Disclaimer: Don't own anything.
Chapter 10
Selphie Calls Irvine
"Hello?"
"Hello, Irvine? This is Selphie Tilmitt."
"This is Irvine's dad. You girls just never stop calling him, do you!"
"No. I guess not."
"I'll see if he's here. Hey, Irvine! Irvine!"
"Hello?"
"Hi, Irvine. It's Selphie. Selphie Tilmitt."
"Who?"
"Let's not go through that again. I'm Selphie, Squall Leonhart's sister."
"Oh. Yeah. The psych experiment."
"Right. I'm the psych experiment."
"What's going on? Squall tell you to call me again?"
"No. No, I'm calling on my own."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean, yes. Irvine, could you do me a favor?"
"I don't know."
"It's about Rinoa."
"Who?"
"Rinoa. The girl who pretended to interview you for the school paper."
"Oh, yeah. Squall sent her over here, too, right?"
"Wrong, I did."
"You did?"
"But it was a mistake."
"I don't follow any of this."
"That's okay. I just need you to do me a favor. I want to play a little joke on Rinoa because these calls were all her fault."
"They were?"
"Yes."
"But I thought—"
"Is that foreign exchange student still living in your house?"
"You mean Water Buffalo? Yeah. We're stuck with him until June."
"Water Buffalo? I thought his name was Zell?"
"Yeah, his name is Zell. But I call him Water Buffalo. Want to know why?"
"I'll bite."
"Because he looks like one! Ha-ha-ha!"
"That's not very nice."
"I saw a picture of a water buffalo in my world geography text, and I said, 'Hey—it's Zell!' I've been calling him that ever since. He doesn't know what it is. He thinks it's a compliment! Ha-ha! I told him it means 'handsome' in American. So he's been telling everyone to call him Water Buffalo. It's a riot, isn't it?"
"Yes, a riot."
"You think so? Actually, it's not that funny. He's eating us out of house and home. He eats bags and bags of peanuts every day and throws the shells on the floor. He says they're good for his complexion. You ever see his complexion? His face looks like the surface of the moon! And he never takes a bath. He sits in the living room most of the time, taking up almost the whole couch, and he plays the same song over and over on some kind of bagpipes."
"Weird."
"Tell me about it."
"What country does he come from?"
"It's an island kingdom somewhere off the coast of Norway. I think it's called the Isle of Chicken."
"Chicken?"
"He told me it was named after some ship captain who grounded his ship on it."
"Captain Chicken?"
"Yeah. I guess. Anyway, I'll bet they foreign exchanged him just to get him out for a year so they could clean up!"
"Well, here's what I was wondering, Irvine. I was wondering if Zell has a date for the homecoming dance after the basketball game in two weeks."
"Ha-ha-ha! Are you putting me on? Of course not! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Stop laughing."
"I'm on the floor! Ha-ha-ha! You're hysterical! A date? Zell out on a date? How could he? He'd have to share his peanuts! Ha-ha-ha!"
"Irvine, please. Stop!"
"You want a date with Zell? You're in love with his contaminated blonde hair, right? Too bad it's infected with fleas, that's why he is always scratching it."
"No. I told you, I want to play a joke on Rinoa."
"You mean—"
"Rinoa doesn't have a date to the homecoming dance."
"And you want—"
"I want you to tell Zell to call her and ask her out."
"But isn't this girl a friend of yours."
"Yes. She's my best friend."
"You wouldn't do that to a friend, would you?"
"I might."
"Oh, man! That's baaad!"
"I owe her one."
"So what do I have to do?"
"It's simple. Just get Zell to call Rinoa and ask her out."
"I don't know. The last time he picked up the phone receiver, he tried to eat it."
"Come on, Irvine. He can't be that gross."
"I didn't tell you any of the gross parts."
"Tell him to ask her to the dance and not to take no for an answer."
"Don't worry. Zell doesn't know the word no."
"Great. So you think you can get him to do it?"
"If I hold up a hot dog in front of his face, he'll do anything I tell him. Or I should say, a bag of hotdogs."
"And you'll do it for me?"
"Yeah. If you'll pay for the hotdogs."
"I'll pay. I'll pay. Thanks, Irvine."
"I still think it's real mean."
"I know. It's just mean enough. The homecoming dance will be the most embarrassing, most humiliating night in Rinoa's life, right."
"If she survives it. I just hope she doesn't dance with him. Zell's got the wettest, clammiest hands I ever saw. It's like he's a sponge or something. There are these gooey, wet handprints all over my house. They stay on my furniture for days. She'll be sopping wet before the dance is over."
"Ooh, gross. That's terrific."
"Wow, I'm glad I don't have a best friend like you."
"Thanks, Irvine."
"It's nothing. Why am I doing this for you?"
"Because it's a good joke?"
"No, that's not why."
"Because you'd like to see Zell go out on a date?"
"No."
"Because I promise not to bother you again if you do this for me?"
"Yeah. You got it."
"Okay. I can take a hint. Bye, Irvine."
"Bye, Selphie."
Chapter 10-part 2
Squall Calls Rinoa
"Hello?"
"Rinoa, did I wake you?"
"It's Rinoa's dad, Squall. You woke me. What time is it?"
"I'm not sure exactly."
"Hmmm—my clock says 2:06 A.M. Why are you calling at 2:06 A.M.?"
"Uh—I thought you might still be up. Sorry."
"Hello?"
"Rinoa, is that you? This idiot friend of yours called at 2:06. Oh. Now it's 2:07. Even later."
"Go back to sleep, Dad. I'll talk to him. Hi, Squall?"
"How'd you know it was me?"
"Dad said idiot, didn't he?"
"He shouldn't have said that."
"Well, you know my dad's an Army General. He always chooses his words very carefully."
"I mean, he shouldn't have said that after the night I've had."
"You had a bad night?"
"The worst night of my life. The most embarrassing night of my life. I can never leave the house again. I have to get my name changed and my face changed and move somewhere high in the Himalayas and live as a hermit in a cave with only mountain goats for companions."
"Well, getting your face changed isn't a bad idea."
"Thanks for the support, Rinoa."
"Did you call to tell me all the juicy details?"
"No. I called for some sympathy. I called for some sympathy, but I guess I called the wrong person."
"Okay. I'll give you sympathy. I'll give you lots of sympathy--if you tell me all the juicy details first."
"Rinoa!"
"Start at the beginning. Don't leave anything out."
"No. Your attitude is all wrong. You're ready to enjoy this—and it was the most embarrassing, humiliating night of my life."
"I won't enjoy it, I promise. But how can I be sympathetic if I don't know what to be sympathetic about?"
"Okay. You're right. That makes sense, I guess. But stop smirking like that."
"How do you know I'm smirking? You can't see me over the phone."
"I can hear it in your voice. You smirk with your voice."
"Squall, it's 2:11 in the morning. Are you going to tell me this horror story or not?"
"Okay. Okay. It's painful, that's all. It's real painful. You promise you're going to be sympathetic?"
"Yes, yes. I promise. I promise!"
"Well—Quistis Trepe—"
"I told you so!"
"What? What did you just say?"
"I told you so!"
"I don't believe you, Rinoa! All I said was Quistis Trepe, and you—"
"I told you so!"
"How can you say that?"
"I told you so!"
"Is that your idea of sympathy?"
"No. But I did tell you so."
"You really are jealous, aren't you!"
"I am not jealous. I just told you so."
"I'm really sorry I called. I thought you were a friend. Bye."
"Squall?"
Click.