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Chapter 12

Zell Calls Rinoa

"Hello?"

"Greetings. Do I have the pleasure of addressing the unmarried Rinoa Heartilly?"

"No. This is Rinoa's mother. Is she in some kind of trouble?"

"Trouble? I do not know the meaning of trouble."

"Oh. I—er—you sounded so formal and serious, I thought maybe—"

"You are Rinoa Heartilly's progenitor?"

"You're putting me on—right? Squall, is this you?"

"No. I am not understanding. As they say in my country, the dog flies when the wind blows hard enough. Is that a favorite expression of yours, too?"

"Well, no. Not exactly. Hold on a minute. Rinoa! Rinoa! I think it's for you!"

"Hello?"

"Do I have the gracious pleasure of addressing Rinoa in the flesh?"

"What? Fresh?"

"Fresh? No. Flesh."

"Rinoa Fresh? I think you have the wrong number."

"I have the unlucky number?"

"No. The wrong number. The wrong phone number."

"You will give me another number?"

"Who is this?"

"I was previously in conversation with your antecedent."

"My aunt? No. That was my mom. Who is this?"

"I am speaking as your humble servant Zell."

"Squall, you're not funny."

"Is that a witticism?"

"Squall, stop it! That's the phoniest foreign accent I ever heard!"

"The American sense of humor escapes me, I am afraid. We have an expression in my country—the fish don't bark alone. It always give me a giggle. Are you familiar with it perhaps?"

"Squall, I'm losing my patience."

"I am unfamiliar with this word Squall. Is it a form of greeting? If so, Squall to you, too, my flower."

"Squall—wait a minute. Did you say Zell?"

"I can say it if it pleases you. Zell."

"Is this really Zell?"

"The same."

"Oh good lord. Hi, Zell. This is Rinoa."

"This is not a recording and I must hold myself until the beep?"

"Ha-ha-ha!"

"Your laughter is the sound of crows."

"Gee, thanks. Is that a compliment in your country?"

"It is meant to be so. But it is hard to tell. We have no crows in my country. The birds fly south every winter and refuse to return the next spring."

"That's too bad. Listen, I'm kind of busy, Zell."

"Busy as the two-legged horse?"

"Right."

"Then shall I keep my comments brief?"

"Yes. Please."

"Are you familiar with the words cogent and terse?"

"No. Not really."

"Neither am I."

"Zell, please—"

"Rinoa, may I ask when you last visited my country? Was it in the winter? In the winter, the ponds freeze and we skate barefoot across the ice. I am sorry to report it is a custom that is dying out."

"Gee, I wonder why. Listen, I really have to go now."

"You are making the jest with Zell?"

"What? Making what?"

"Your humor is swift and sharp like the knife that beheads the ox."

"Thanks. I guess. Well, bye. I've got to—"

"Shall I wait for the beep?"

"What?"

"My mouth reaches out to you, but I have not mastered the art of the telephone. In my country, the phones are silent because we all speak in sign language whenever possible. It's such good exercise."

"That's very interesting, Zell. I'm really glad to know all these things about your country, but I really have to get off the phone now. Can you understand that?"

"I can understand when the ancients say enough is not nearly enough and too much is even less."

"See you at school—okay?"

"At the school dance, yes?"

"Yes. What?"

"Your answer has filled me with the joy of a newborn toad."

"What? I what?"

"By choosing to attend the dance with me, you have enlarged my heart."

"Your heart? Wait a minute, Zell. I haven't—I mean—I— What dance?"

"I can hear the joy echoing in your voice like the sound of a million goldfish."

"No, Zell. That's not joy. It's panic. What do you think I just agreed to?"

"The homecoming dance will be a night of a thousand memories burned into my chest like a bad tattoo."

"The homecoming dance? Wait a minute! Hold your horses!"

"My horses are unbridled, their saddle sores forgotten."

"Zell, please! Stop with the colorful expressions! I did not say I would go to the homecoming dance with you."

"When you said yes, you blew off the top of my head. Do you see, I have learned American expressions, too."

"Zell—"

"If you describe the sarong you will be wearing, I will make certain that my kilt matches in color and fabric."

"My what? Sarong? No, Zell. No. Please listen to me. I did not say yes. I am not going to that dance with you. I-I'd really like to. But—uh—I'm busy that night."

"Did you say that you would really like to? Well, do not have fear. I shall not disappoint. I will appear to accompany you at least two hours before the dance so you will not have time to worry about my arrival."

"No, Oh, no. What am I going to do?"

"Do you like peanuts?"

"Zell, how can I get through to you? I did not say yes. I cannot go with you."

"Do you like them shelled or unshelled? My preference is for the unshelled. Sometimes you find one nut in the shell, and sometimes two. It is one of nature's mysteries, is it not? Our scientists have puzzled over the matter for years."

"Are we talking about nuts now? Zell, I'm trying to be nice, but I've got to make you understand that I am not going to the dance with you. I just can't. I'm sorry."

"You do not need to try to be nice. Your essence is nice. I will observe the ritual cleansing procedures now to prepare for our date. I can promise only that our night will live on in my heart and will burn in my mind like a smoked tongue on an open pit barbecue. Until then, goodbye, my flower."

Click.

"No! Zell—wait! I can't! Zell! No!"

Chapter 12-part 2

Rinoa Calls Zell Back

"Hello, Zell. Listen, I can't—"

"Hey, sorry. Zell just went out."

"What? He—who is this? Irvine?"

"Yeah."

"This is Rinoa Heartilly. I was just talking to him, and he—"

"Oh, yeah? Was that you he was talking to on the phone? Wow, Rinoa. Whatever you said to him sure made him happy. He tossed his bag of peanuts up in the air and tore out of the house like an elephant on a stampede."

"Irvine, listen. You've got to help me."

"Hey, I can see him out the window. He just ran headfirst into the mailbox on the corner."

"Irvine, please—"

"Now he's backing up and doing it again. He's ramming his head into the mailbox. What did you say to him?"

"It's all a mix-up. He thinks I'm going to the homecoming dance with him."

"Yeah? You are? Wow. That's really nice of you, you know, to sacrifice your evening like that."

"No, I didn't—"

"No wonder the big guy is so happy. Look at him ramming his head out there. He's never had a date in his life. I don't think any girl ever talked to him before!"

"No, Irvine. This can't be happening! You've got to help me get through to him."

"You're a really good person, Rinoa. Kids at school are going to tease you like crazy, but you don't even care, do you! That's great."

"No. I do care. I do care! Listen, Irvine—"

"Did he offer to share his peanuts with you?"

"Yes, but—"

"Wow. The big guy has really fallen for you."

"Irvine—stop! You've got to listen to me."

"Just one thing. Remember not to touch his hands if you can help it. They're always sopping wet and cold as ice. And don't say anything about his weight. He's very sensitive about his stomach bouncing up and down when he walks. So be careful not to stare at it or anything."

"I'm not going to stare at his stomach. Because I'm not—"

"That's good. I just thought I should warn you. If he has to turn sideways to squeeze through a doorway, just turn your head. Look the other way. That way he won't think you're staring at him. You'll have a good time. He's got a great sense of humor, I think. It's a really nice thing you're doing, Rinoa. When you came over to interview me that night, I thought you were weird. But I guess you're okay."

"Thanks, Irvine. But—"

"I'm late for practice. See you around."

Click.

"Irvine? Irvine? Please, Irvine. You've got to help get me out of this."