The Hermione Song
A/N. OK, this is a little songfic I've been meaning to do for ages but only get the inspiration whenever I hear the song. And whenever I here the song it's not normally near a computer. But, luckily, I've had it in my head all day (right now, in fact) so I'm going to begin to write it. Basically, it's Ron's thoughts on Hermione after a small incident, with the words of The Bitch Song by Bowling For Soup in there. As soon as I heard this song I knew an R/H fic had to be done to this, I mean, it just fits. Takes place anytime during OotP. PG13 for the continual use of the word 'bitch.'
A/N.2. I posted this along time ago but the format was weird and paragraphs were non-existent. So, having nothing to do today, I thought I'd try and up load it again to see if I could fix the problem...by double spacing and what-not. If it still looks wrong I will try again. It isn't a terribly good story I'm afraid but if you get half way through you can always stop reading.
Is it OK if I speak to you today?
You've been pissed off for a week now
But nothing I could say could make you look up
Or crack up
Is there anything that I can do?
Anything to show you
What is wrong with that girl? I'm telling you there's something wrong with her. I knew it. I knew no one could possibly do all that work and still have all their screws tight. She's a psycho, that's what she is, a raving manic. It started last week, a very small thing happened and she went mad. Completely crazy, barmy, sandwich short of a picnic...here's how it happened...
OK, so she was sitting there making those ridiculous things for those elves as she does every night and I tottered over to say hello. I'm one of her best friends why shouldn't have I gone over there to say hello? Maybe I didn't go over to say hello exactly but I went over there all the same. I stood there, quiet as you like. She just ignored me and continued to knit.
Click.
Click.
Click.
So I cleared my throat
Ahem.
Still nothing. Just the clicking of her knitting needles;
Click.
Click.
Click.
So I sat down next to her.
And it was at this point she started screaming at me. And I mean screaming. My ears were so full of ringing that I could hardly understand what she was saying. Something about working so hard and knitting. And about Harry. Yes, Harry definitely appeared in the conversation. Then she started to rattle off the names of the essays she's completed that evening and then the number of hats she'd knitted. Hats? I remembered thinking They're hats?
Well, by this time I was completely perplexed. What point was she trying to get across? Why on earth would I care that her essay Semi-Invisibility potions was twice as long as was expected? Then she started to go on about me. How I hadn't even started my homework for that evening (which, I might add, is a complete lie. I had started it. I'd just not written anything down but I'd thought about starting it) and how I'd spent the evening playing Gobstones. Now that really did confuse me. Why was she telling me what I'd been doing that evening? I knew, of course I knew, I'd been the one doing it!
Then she stopped, sat down, and continued to knit.
Click.
Click.
Click.
I left.
You're a bitch
But, I love you anyway
Oh, You can't sing
But, You still put me to sleep
Baby, You're a bitch
Hey hey hey hey
You make me sick
But, don't ever go away
So she didn't talk to me for a week! A whole week! I hadn't even done anything! All I did was sit down next to her and...OK, well maybe I did do something that may have possibly annoyed her. Well, I didn't know it was hers. How was I meant to know? I was just lying there on the seat; it wasn't even next to her! That may have been because I moved it when I sat down but that's not the point. I was bored, it was a cup full of strange, pretty, shimmering light, what did you expect me to do? Leave it alone? Not stick a spare knitting needle in it that was also close to hand? She obviously didn't take into account, as she looked over to see her extra-credit Charms assignment with a knitting needle in it, that the person who had accidentally put the knitting needle there was related to the notorious Fred and George Weasley.
So you tell me that there's nothing left to say
I drive you face the window
Then you're in my face telling me to grow up
"I wish you'd grow up"
I can't wait until you fall asleep
I wonder if you know that
I did try and talk to her you know, which I thought was pretty brave of me considering that she is a raving loony. It was half-way through the week when I approached her. She was looking out the window but obviously knew I was there because she scowled. I attempted to communicate with The Beast;
'Look Hermione, I can see you're upset but don't you think you could be overreacting slightly?'
'Just go away Ron,' she'd replied frostily. 'I have nothing left to say to you.'
Obviously she thought that fit of shouting she'd had at me had cleared up everything. Which, of course, it hadn't. I tried again;
'Hermione, I wish that sometimes you'd just chill a bit...'
'Well Ron, do you know what? All the time I wish you'd GROW UP! But, obviously, we don't get what we want!'
There was obviously no conversing with it so I left with just one though in my head.
Man, that girl's a bitch.
You're a bitch
But, I love you anyway
Oh, You can't sing
But, You still put me to sleep
Baby, You're a bitch
Hey hey hey hey
You make me sick
But, don't ever go away
I didn't really speak to her again until yesterday. It was at that point that I knew she was crazy. I tried to convey this to Harry afterwards but he tried to tell me that it was me! That I didn't understand girls and that craziness had nothing to do with it. Which is not true! I understand girls! I have a sister don't I? I just don't understand Hermione. Here's what happened;
It was a Saturday and I'd just come back from Quidditch practice. So, predictably, I was in a bad mood. The others left me alone to stomp up to the boys dormitory where I'd stayed, hating Quidditch, the colour of the ceiling I was staring at and just life in general.
I'd heard the pad pad pad of feet walking on the carpet and I turned to face whoever it was who was about to disturb my brooding.
It was Hermione.
Carefully, I'd sat up; knowing that one false move could enrage The Beast. But Hermione, looking less like a Beast and more like a human being as sat down on my bed and looked at her toes. I did too. They were nice toes but nothing especially fascinating so I'd soon got bored as had she. She turned to face me.
'Ron, about the other day...'
'Yeeeeeeeees?'
'Well, I...I just wanted to a...apologise. It wasn't fair of me to...to start shouting at you. Not really, it wasn't your fault. You don't understand. And when you tried to talk to me later on and I'd just told you to grow up I...I didn't mean it. I like you as you are, you know that.'
Indeed I did know that. But, once again, I found myself unable to grasp the concept of why she was apologising to me. Didn't I ruin her project? Wasn't I meant to be apologising to her?
'Hermione, it's OK, really, forget it. It was my fault I broke your project...'
'Oh, forget about the stupid project! That's not what I'm talking about!' she's snapped at me. Alarmed at the sudden change of tone of voice I jumped. She continued in a softer tone;
'I was talking about you!'
Me? What?
'Don't you know what I'm trying to say?'
Reluctantly, I shook my head. I was in for it now. If there's one thing Hermione can't stand, it's stupidity on my part. I braced my self for another moment of shouting.
Instead she smiled at me.
'Ah. Ok. I...I didn't think you would. It doesn't matter, it's not important. I know you don't feel the...oh, never mind. Anyway,' her voice took on a more matter-of-fact tone. 'I'm sorry for shouting at you but you really must try and be more careful with my things in future. Friends?'
Finally! A bit of normality! For once I knew what she was talking about. I grinned and pulled her into a hug.
'Friends.'
You'd have though it would have ended here wouldn't you? You'd have thought that she had become un-crazy with that last, understandable sentence and would have gone away without me having to worry about her sanity. But then she did something extremely uncalled for and something no guy should have to put up with.
She burst into tears. Just like that. She started crying. And ran off.
You're a bitch
But, I love you anyway
Oh, You can't sing
But, You still put me to sleep
Baby, You're a bitch
Hey hey hey hey
You make me sick
But, don't ever go away
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have come to the conclusion my friend is completely mad. First she babbled incoherent sentences at me then started crying for no apparent reason. I understand girls, really, I do.
Just not that one.
Yeah you're a bitch but I love you anyway
So why don't you stay?
A/N. OK, that wasn't meant to happen like that but never mind. The story kind of deviated from the song then but never mind. And, for those of you who were wondering, I have given up with The Bookworm Diaries, it'll just have to have a depressing ending.
Disclaimer: JK owns all.