Standard disclaimers apply.
Warnings: It's weird. Really. No kiddin' here.
#I Have Longed To Move Away#
I'm tired, you said and I didn't understand you.
I'm tired, you said and I turned towards you with a calm, questioning look.
I'm tired, you said and there was no answer when I asked you what you meant by that.
There was nothing, but that peculiar smile which I didn't remember seeing when I had come to Meifu for the first time. That slanted smile, a bit bitter, that sneaked his way into our small world and managed to go unnoticed for a couple of years. And then, one day, I looked at your face, saw that smile and it shocked me how different it was from any other of your smiles. I knew back then, even back then, that it was somehow wrong for that smile to be here, between us. I knew it was dangerous to let it stay.
I'm just tired, you repeated, not looking at me, but at those cherry petals that swirled around, exactly the way they always did.
I'm just tired, you repeated and your words sounded very strange, even though your voice was perfectly normal and the tone wasn't any different from the one that you used everyday.
But there was an edge in it, or maybe it wasn't really an edge, maybe it was a lining. A figment of something else resting underneath. I knew, I just knew, although I didn't understand the meaning of your words, that this lining wasn't silver.
I'm just tired, you repeated and I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't find the words. I still didn't understand you.
Should I…?
I did not understand.
Should I ask?
...It was not clear to me.
Should I ask you?
...Your statement as was vague as it could be.
Should I ask you one more time?
Because I needed explanation. So I went through it all one more time trying to analyse your actions.
You looked upon the perfectly blue sky above and locked your gaze for a second on those white peaceful clouds that never changed shapes, not even with the passing years. There was a slight frown upon your face, as if there was something wrong with that sky. And then you let the clouds pass on their repetitive journey. You gazed at the blossoming cherry trees, although I was sure you knew every crack and crane of those trees, for they, just like you and I, never age and never change. And then you said it, still looking at those heavy branches adorned with the pinkish mass of flowers.
"I'm tired," you said, and I was utterly confused although, by all means of logic and sense, it was not a confusing sentence.
"I'm tired," you said, then and I was confused because you did nothing tiring that day.
"I'm tired," you said, and I was sure, with a certainty that came straight from the heart, that you're not talking about physical fatigue.
But I did not understand, so I asked you to explain it to me and you just smiled at me. I didn't like that smile.
"I'm just tired," you repeated, as if it was some kind of answer and as if it made anything clear.
"I'm just tired," you said, and your gaze averted from the massive trees to the green grass under your palm. It was lush and lively, another thing that would never die and never fade into yellow misery.
"I'm just tired," you repeated, and I felt that you're getting away. I knew that you were slowly slipping away from me. Just at that given moment, within that second. So I wanted to ask again, but…
Should I?
I wanted to.
But should I?
I wanted you to share your thoughts.
But should I make you do that?
Because I wanted to know what you think, so that I could make you stop slipping away from me.
But should I stop you?
I knew…
And I did understand…
Although I wanted to believe that I didn't.
Although it was easier to believe that I didn't.
Although I….
Should I stop you?
You still stared at your own thin pale fingers that looked ghostly white in comparison to those eternally youthful strews.
Should I?
You moved one finger, then others, as if you were a musician preparing himself for a concert. But you had a facial of expression of a scientist that wanted to check the mechanism of something, nothing more.
Could I?
You sighed, and it was a familiar sound, for God knows, that I'd grow accustomed to it. Yet...I remembered, I clearly did, that there was a time when it would have been unusual. But that was already gone. How many years have already passed? I can't remember. Many. I could count, but I didn't want to because I knew that there was entirely too many of them.
And I questioned myself...Did…
When did it happen? When? It was so hard to drown a line; to say, "It was here, it was that day when everything began. "
I remembered Tatsumi getting quiet. I remembered him getting silent. I remembered him standing next to the window in his office and gazing at those dancing petals with exactly the same exhausted expression that I would later see on many other faces.
And I questioned myself...Did I…
And I remembered watching them go away. One by one. For Shinigamis are immortal if they only want to be. They live if they wish to. And I watched them stop wishing.
And I questioned myself...Did I even…
I remembered that Tatsumi's passing was a surprise to me, a shock. I remembered that very well. He was the first one to go and maybe that was why it was engraved so clearly in my memory. When the others started going away, I was somehow prepared for it. I saw the signs and could read the clues. I'd almost grown used to it.
And then the laboratory was no longer blown up repeatedly and Watari didn't chase the new secretary around in order to get more money for his experiments. No one wanted me to drink some dangerously looking potions and even 003 stopped howling around the office. And then, on a completely ordinary day, Watari went away and I was shaken for the second time. Watari was always so much like Tsuzuki and I thought that his energy would last forever.
But there's no such thing like forever.
And I questioned myself...Did I even have…
So I should have seen it coming. I remembered everything very clearly. I remembered what happened and I remembered the signs, but I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to understand what it meant when you started getting quieter and subdued. I didn't want to understand what it meant when your smiles got tainted with bitterness. I didn't want to understand it all. I chose not to understand. Even when you turned towards those ever-lasting cherries and told me in those plain words that you're tired. For a second it even worked and I didn't understand. But then you repeated that sentence once again, firmly and straight forwardly, and I couldn't even pretend that I didn't get it.
And despite all that, or maybe because of all that I kept questioning myself...
Did I even have that right?
Did I even have that right to make you stay?
And I hoped, I believed, I desperately wanted to believe that you would stay if I begged you, you'd stay. You did stay with me back then, you returned for me from those deadly flames, but it was long ago. So long ago that the memory of that day seemed sometimes just a product of my fantasy, not a real thing. But I still hoped that you would stay with me if I begged you for it.
And despite all that, or maybe because of all that, I kept questioning myself...
Did I even have that right?
Did I even had the right to make you stay?
Because…
"I'm tired," you said, and I questioned the meaning of your words.
"I'm just tired," you repeated, and I didn't know what to say.
You sighed and for a second I thought that you were slipping, falling. But then it came out that you were just lying down on the grass beside me in a fluent, somehow abrupt movement. And I remembered the past. You lay down beside me on that beautifully green grass and didn't even try to touch me. And I wondered when did you stop trying to lay your head on my lap. I remembered brushing you off countless times and I remembered you joking about it. I remembered as you teased me again and again. "I know that you love me anyway," you would always say that in the end and I would get annoyed and…
When did it all happen? When exactly did you stop teasing me? When exactly did you stop coming back to me only to be turned down again?
And why did I never notice…
So did I even had the right to make you stay?
I wondered...I wondered sometimes why I didn't feel that pull which lured so many of our friends into the darkness of death. I wondered…
At first, I thought that I'm just too young and that it takes time to get tired of the world, but then those who were younger then me started fading away just before my eyes. So I concluded that maybe it's a question of character or strong will that kept me going when others abandoned the place.
But it still wasn't the truth.
"I know that you love me anyway," you would always say…
The truth was simple. I stayed for you. I lived for you. I woke up in the morning to see you and argue with you. I went through my life to be able to bathe in your love. I didn't grow tired of that never changing landscape because I never looked at it. My eyes were just for you. I never got tired of that motionless sun because I had your warmth. I had nothing to get tired of…
But…
"I'm just tired," you said, and I noticed that your eyes were indeed really tired and I began to think…
When did it all happen?
I gazed at your head that rested on the grass and I thought that there's possibility, that there's a very probable possibility, that you had never known…Despite all your words…
"I know that you love me anyway," you would always say…
But..
I was never easy to deal with. I never had the courage or even need to talk about my feelings. I was never charming. I was never gentle and I was never sensible. I was always a harsh, closed-up person because that was the first thing I had learned from life. I never liked gestures. I never liked words. But I thought…
"I know that you love me anyway," you would always say…
When? When did you stop telling me that you know that I love you? Or maybe, it was a scary thought...Maybe you were never sure of it and you always waited for me to say it, but I never did…Maybe you didn't share my certainty. I could feel your feelings, I could hear your worlds, I could see your gestures. And you didn't get any of it from me.
So I kept asking myself again and again, as if there was a broken record playing inside my head...
Did I even have that right to make you stay?
And I didn't know what to do with it all.
I tangled my fingers in your hair. You gazed up and looked straight at me and there was something else than surprise in your eyes. They were questioning. Your feelings flew through my veins. There was no sense of tiredness inside your body, but there was growing feeling of something else. It was, as if you gave up on everything. And in that waves of mild exhaustion there was a strong sense of being misplaced. There was no reason for you to stay here.
So did I even have that right to make you stay?
I wanted to say 'yes'. I wanted to tell you that you're a stupid, stupid man and that I want you to stay. I wanted to beg you not to leave me. I wanted to lock you up in a cell and destroy the key, so that you could never go away. I wanted to make you stay. Anyhow, anyway. I wanted to…
But it all came back to that one question.
Did I even have the right to make you stay?
I knew that…
Objectively speaking…
Generally speaking…
Frankly speaking….
I had no right.
I had no right to keep you in this artificial world where nothing ever changes. Where even the grains of sands on the roads always form the same pattern. I had no right to keep you here where you were forced to do the work that made you feel guilty. I fed on your kindness for a long, long time and never paid back.
So I knew that I had no right to make you stay.
And I was still looking into your eyes when I reached that conclusion. I was still leaning over you, my silhouette casting a shadow upon your face. And I couldn't say a word. I just gazed into your eyes, just the way you stared into mine.
And then you reached up and your hand touched my cheek and you wiped away the salty drop, which slowly descended downward. And I think that I cried back then. Really hard. Like I haven't cry for a long time. My shoulders shivered, and my lips trembled violently even though I bit them till I bled, in a stubborn attempt to keep them still. And I wanted to let you go.
Because I knew I had no right to make you stay.
So I wanted to act the right way just this once. I made so many mistakes along the way and I lost so many chances. And for once, I wanted to do that one thing properly.
"I'm tired," you said to me, not giving any attention to the tears that kept falling down upon my face and ended up moisturising yours.
"I'm tired," you said once again, and I knew that it was good bye.
"I'm tired," you said, and I felt that my heart was sinking deep, deep into a black empty void. And I felt lonely. And then…
"But I think I'll stay a little longer," you added, and I didn't understand.
And then you smiled.
And it was one of those smiles that you used to give me back then, so many years ago.
"Because I know that you love me anyway," you said.
--/--
Koniec: The End