The Question of Inevitability
Author: Knowhere
Chapter 4: Distant
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Nothing
AN: I know it's been a while especially since used to update my other stories every couple of days; but I've started this job and I'm there for at least fifteen hours a week and I get a little tired, so I'm sorry if I've kept you waiting, but have no fear—I'll never leave a story unfinished, I really don't like how it leaves no closure.
Important: For the reason I just mentions above—it's getting harder for me to keep revising my chapters by myself. If you're interested in become a beta-reader and you have an eye for little details and mistakes and you like to see the process of this fic please give me an e-mail because I would really appreciate the help. Plus, I want to bounce some ideas off of you, not only for this story but for another one that I've begun—it's different and I'd like the feedback. Anyways, please let me know if you're interested. Thanks.
Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask. Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess. Does he have the ability to forgive her? Literati/Au/Future Fic
Rory let out her breath in a content sigh and moved her mouse to click 'save'. She was finally done and it had only taken her three days. She finished her first major assignment and she immediately logged on to send it to her editor. At first, after the initial staff meeting, she thought she was going to be introduced to the guy who was going to oversee her writing; but oddly enough, Mr. Calhoun was the only one who conducted the meeting that day and he informed all the new staff that he was going to be the department manger instead. Rory was a bit puzzled at the change of events, but didn't question it any further. All of the others in the department seemed more than friendly and with their ambition, she knew that she had found the right work environment.
She leaned back on her swivel chair and stared at nothing in particular. Her eyes landed on the silver pen that stood alone next to the masses of ballpoints and she stopped to stare at it. The fluorescent lighting from up above her cubicle danced upon the bright silver and she leaned forward in the chair, almost with her chin touching the desk surface and she slowly studied the pen. Her fingers crept their way—wanting to touch it, as if they had five separate minds, all working against her deepest wishes. Maybe it was longing—hell, she knew it was mostly regret. Why has she kept the pen for all those years? Rory never understood why she didn't just place it in one of the many boxes, all of them reminders of him, and just not think about it. But she knew why. The pen had kept her going even when she felt like giving up. It was his answer to the promise he had made her all those years ago; he had given it to her on the night of her graduation, and even though the pen wasn't flashy or extremely expensive, it was elegant and simple in design—just like how their relationship had been.
(Flashback)
They were lying in bed after the long day. She was exhausted but also giddy with excitement and anticipation. Her graduation had finally came—her graduation from Yale. After all those years of flitting to classes, rushing home to write her papers, and the countless hours of research she had to complete, she was finally rid of that life. Time and time again, she had to cancel dates with Jess and her family to meet deadlines, and although they were very understanding of her situation, she always felt incredibly guilty for cutting them short. Yet, she knew she would miss it; she'd miss the stimulation of ambition and competition. She had more than proven herself worthy of being in an ivy-league school, and she was happy that she had accomplished her goals so well. She snuggled down into the comforter and inhaled; she always loved the smell—it was the perfect blend of her and Jess. Simple things like the smell of a blanket could always calm her down. Even though she had spent her share of nights here in Jess's apartment and she was pleased that she shared so much of his space, even though she never technically lived with him.
It was dark and the only light source was the small stream of a constant red light from the digital clock that rested on the nightstand. Rory shifted her weight and turned to lie on her side. She looked at Jess, who was perfectly level with her, and she studied him. She never got tired of looking at him when he slept; she loved how his eyes closed oh-so tightly and how his eyebrows seemed to even furrow in his slumber. She loved him so much and she knew that with the closing of her college life, another door opened that granted even more access to him. Rory had cut so many weekends short with Jess because of school, and now she knew that they would be able to spend more time together; and that thought alone brought a smile to her lips. "Thank you." She knew he couldn't hear her, but she still wanted to thank him for all his patience.
He shifted again and his arms reached out to pull her closer to him. Rory grinned broadly at that; she adored how he always seemed to make sure that she was still there. His eyes fluttered open and he cleared his throat. "For what?"
"You heard me? I thought you were asleep."
"I just didn't want to disturb your train of thought." He smiled at her and reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Thank you for what?"
"Nothing, nah…it's nothing." She leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his lips to convey what she didn't tell him with words.
"Hey, hold on a sec. I have something for you. It's nothing big but it's sorta a 'happy graduation' thing…"
(End of Flashback)
He had given her the pen; he told her that every journalist should have a good pen to start out with because if the pen was good, then the creativity would flow easier. She had giggled at his cheesiness but was also touched at his thoughtfulness. Jess told her the reason for the gift was because he had promised her that she would one day go and be an overseas-correspondent. Even though she later chose to not travel as extensively as she thought she had wanted to, she still carried that silver pen into every office, meeting, or conference.
It was stupid and childish of her to have always carried the pen with her wherever she went, but it was her security blanket. When she was half-way around the world and she was all alone in her empty hotel room, she would begin writing first draft in the very same pen that brought her comfort. And even after the breakup, she continued to carry it with her because it seemed to bring her such luck with work; but most of all, it reminded her of a time where they had the perfect relationship, before everything got so confusing.
With nothing left to do, Rory began packing up her things and prepared to go home. It had been a long day and with the completion of her first major article, she decided to go home and do some well-earned relaxing. Maybe some take-out Chinese or Thai and a good movie will suffice.
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It was Jess's second trip this month and he was enjoying the beautiful scenery he found outside of his British hotel. Rob had sent him to cover the unveiling of the new royal museum and even though it was a little boring, Jess swiftly wrote his article and had been doing some sightseeing for the last day or so. He quickly found that he loved the freedom of traveling; at first when he was younger, he wanted to write and stay near the city because he didn't want to live out of a suitcase when he had Rory. But now, he loved the rush of feelings he got to be able to see foreign countries and experience their unique culture.
He couldn't help but feel that his traveling meant that he was finally taking the initiative to try to move on with his life. Sure, there had been a couple of dates and a few short lived romances for him since the split, but he had never actually tried to move on. Jess knew subconsciously that he still held onto the last shred of hope—albeit his hope was irrational and childish, he still held onto his last inkling of belief that the last five years hadn't happened. Many lonely nights were spent when he'd return to his apartment and expected to see Rory sprawled on the couch with containers of take-out ready for him to eat. But after the many restless nights, the holidays spent alone, and the haunting memories—twenty-eight year old Jess Mariano was finally ready to accept his fate and face the world alone.
Traveling hadn't only helped him to move on, but Jess realized that it also helped him run away. Yes, he was ready to continue with his life, but he understood that moving on didn't mean forgetting. He couldn't forget the way she moved, talked, or even the way she looked when she slept. With Rory giving up on the relationship it didn't just mean that she gave up on Jess; it also meant that Jess had to give up his family. Ever since that fateful night, Jess never had the courage to go back to Stars Hallow to see Luke again. He knew that Rory would never stop seeing Lorelai and thus he couldn't risk seeing Luke without accidentally running into her. For the last five years, Jess had literally been on his own; and it killed him. He had gone from being a guy that felt he had it all, to loosing not only the love of his life, but he also lost the support system that Luke had offered him for so many years.
The day had finally caught up with Jess and weariness and fatigue tugged at his eyes and he closed them to bring on the sweet release of sleep. He was going back home tomorrow and he was glad for the return. He had loved the traveling and sightseeing, but he missed Oliver and he also missed the special comforts that only his own home could offer him over any hotel room in the world. Ben had practically moved in with Jess since his split with his girlfriend and because Jess had to do so much more traveling, he almost offered Ben the entire empty apartment in exchange for some dog-sitting. Besides, Jess had to go back to make sure Ben wasn't boring himself to death with nothing to do, and he needed to take care of some business with Rob back at the office.
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She didn't know what was wrong with her. Here she sat—a successful woman with a new job and plenty of ambitions, a family back in a small town that would support her through thick and thin, and a future that looked so bright that it almost made the sun look dim. She did the best she could to avoid situations like these; the ones that she tried her hardest to run away from or hide from but always found herself staring at them when she was in the loneliest of places. These were the times where suddenly she tuned out the world and became lost in anguish; when her conscience was riddled with regret and anger for herself. She couldn't escape them…they haunted her and she always accepted it as part of her punishment for her naïve choices.
Her weekend started out as a couple of days that promised time for some well-earned relaxation. What she hadn't counted on was to run into a photo album that was tucked in the far corner of her closet. It had started out as an innocent venture—Rory Gilmore, the self-proclaimed clutter manic, was actually trying to clean out her closet. However, she hadn't thought about all the overwhelming memories that she would encounter if she were to complete her task.
She tucked a few stray hairs behind her ear and she was suddenly acutely aware of how fast her heart was beating. Rory landed softly on the carpet on her bended knees and she reached out to the forgotten album of memories. Capturing it between her hands she felt the soft leather and briefly wondered how she had forgotten about it being in the open. But at eleven at night she landed on a photo album and she sat next to her bed and made the wrong move—she opened it. She flipped through hundreds of memories of their time together and each of those photos served as a knife to her heart, reminding her of actions.
(Flashback)
"Hello?"
"Mom?" Her voice was barely a whisper and her sobs were overwhelming her voice.
"Rory? Rory, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Lorelai was in a panic, she had never in the last twenty-three years heard her only daughter so upset.
"Mom, I just did something really, really bad." She couldn't control her sobbing, she was being washed away from her rational side and swept up in a hurricane of emotions.
"Honey, it's okay; whatever it is you just need to calm down." Lorelai was doing the best she could to try to calm her down, but after five minutes of soothing comments, the phone went silent. "Rory? Are you still there?"
"I left him Mom…I just left." Rory whispered like a child and Lorelai almost thought for a second that she heard a five year-old Rory telling her that she's scared of the dark. Lorelai was honestly afraid for the well-being of her daughter; she had never known Rory to be so disturbed.
"Left who, Rory? Jess? Where is he?"
"I just walked out on him; I couldn't even give him a reason. I'm really scared Mom."
"Did he hurt you Rory?" Lorelai knew that something was out of place; they had the perfect relationship—they were the poster child for young love. Rory and Jess had it all—a nice home, beginnings of promising careers, and what seemed to be the perfect love for each other. But something was not right; they showed no signs of trouble, so why would Rory suddenly out of the blue just leave him unless Jess had done something wrong?
"No, he didn't hurt me. He even begged me to stay…begged Mom, begged! Jess Mariano actually begged me to stay and explain what was wrong! He was so perfect and so good to me…I just couldn't Mom, I couldn't." Rory didn't know how to say it. Frankly, she didn't know the words herself. Praying to God that her mom would be the one person who would remotely understand, she did something that she never thought she would. "I need to get out of here…out of the city. Mom, I need to come home for a while…just until I find somewhere else I can settle. I'll be there tonight at around midnight."
"Okay." What else could a mother do? What else could Lorelai say when she knew herself that her very own flesh and blood was in her darkest place? So she did what she could—she didn't question, she was just there for Rory.
(End of Flashback)
In ten minutes, all she had worked for the last five years diminished in the shedding of tears that she never let herself cry. The tears that she willed her emotions to suppress because she knew it had been her own doing. But what could she do now? For the last five years she was on the other side of the country, pulling a hermit and cutting all ties that connected her to him. The only people she saw were her immediate family and she practically became dead to all of the friends they shared. For the hurt she caused him, the least Rory felt she could do was to keep away from his friends and leave him be. She didn't even know where he lived or what he did, even if he was dead or alive. Rory knew that her breakup caused a dent in her relationship with Luke. When he took Jess under his wing, Luke was a surrogate father, and not only to Jess but to her as well. But when she had left him, Jess apparently refused to contact Luke, and Rory felt terrible to cut off Luke's real family. He might have adamantly denied it, but Rory could tell by the look on his face that he was disappointed to no longer be participating in his nephew's life.
But how could she change things? Rory had a good feeling that he would have remained in the city because it was his true home; the city was mysterious and alluring and it reeled Jess back in as an adult when he tried to make a home for himself. Even if she were to run into him by sheer luck, what would she say? God, what was wrong with her? She felt that she should at least give him a reason; but she couldn't, simply because she still didn't know exactly why she had done it. Whoever was pulling the strings in life, she prayed to that person that she would never have to face him again…not only for his sake, but for hers. But in her most honest times, she still wondered where she would be if the last five years hadn't happened. The Rory Gilmore of twenty-one would have secretly confessed that by the age of twenty-eight she would have wished to have her last name changed to one that began with a 'M', but then she would have blushed and looked away. However, now that she was twenty-eight she still pondered how differently things would have turned out. But she couldn't help but feel that all of it was history and she had only the future to look forward to. There wasn't any reason to hold onto the past…it's behind her and what's done is done.
AN: I've been realizing that I've been doing a lot of narrating in this story, but I guess it's because it's kinda hard to show both their 'real' emotions in conversation. So, if you don't like reading the long narration—I'm really sorry; but if you do—hey, I'm glad.
And don't forget—if you're interested in the beta reading…please e-mail me. I would deeply appreciate it…more than you'll ever know. Thanks.
Side note: In the midst of waiting for FFN to get back up on its feet again, I've already written the next chapter, and I must say that it will definitely push things along considerably and I really like the new chapter, so stay tuned because things are finally really happening!