The Question of Inevitability
Author: Knowhere
Chapter 5: Mingle
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Nothing
AN: I really hope that you like this chapter. It was fun to write and I think it might be the most important chapter so far. Anyways, enjoy and tell me what you think.
Note: This is for my amazing newfound beta Tiffany who is wonderfully meticulous and is amazing in understand the hidden meanings and metaphors. I'm extremely thankful to have you along for the ride in the course of this story, and hopefully more to come.
Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask. Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess. Does he have the ability to forgive her? Literati/Au/Future Fic
The door slammed with a clatter of determination. Today she was going to go out and do something—anything, just as long as she didn't stay isolated in her apartment. It seemed that since the weekend a couple weeks ago, the one that suddenly brought the onset of memories, Rory had been undeniably depressed. Even though she had never quite achieved the sense of happiness and freedom as she did five years ago, she still never felt as low as she has for the last couple of weekends. And this Saturday morning she was determined to go out, get some fresh air, and clear her thoughts. She needed to gather her wits and concentrate on her work and her other priorities; she needed to get it together instead of falling into a pit that had an ending of staying at home all day talking incoherently to her future cats. No; Rory Gilmore was going to attack the world with a different outlook—what happens, happens and it's bound to be for a specific reason for her life.
There was this new coffee house she had passed on her way home a couple of nights ago, but she didn't exactly have the time to go in and take a good look. But now as part of her new resolution, she was going to try new things and experience new sensations. Rory was a new woman—a slightly more confident one that now knew that the world offers sorrow on a silver platter to deceive those into believing that the distress is a new face of happiness. She knew better now, and no one could deny that she became a jaded city dweller that has lived through pain but now looked to life to finally give her a different hand of cards—one that has a positive light with joy dancing along the edges.
The little bell jingled with delight at the sound of a new customer and it brought a smile to Rory's face, thinking of her past and the many jingles of a certain bell above the door of a specific diner back home. She marched right up to the counter and ordered herself a cup of their famous original black coffee and sat down in a corner booth, facing away from the door. She gently swirled in a dollop of cream and watched as the milky white mingled with the jet-black liquid. With delight, Rory observed as the two combined and became one. She liked that concept; two opposites coming together and finding that differences can be placed aside to achieve one common goal. It was childish and she knew it; but she liked it and that was just the way she functioned. Without sipping, she continued to watch and her eyes widened at the thought that maybe somewhere out in the world her opposite was waiting for her—to mingle, to mix, to unite.
---------------------------------------------
He watched her from the side and from what he could make out, he saw a young woman looking intently into her coffee cup as if she were to try to see into her future. It amused him and he craned his neck to get a better look, but her hair was blocking the way. The curtain of chocolate brown obstructed his view of her face, and he, feeling a little bold, decided to go up and strike a conversation.
He cautiously approached her table hoping that she would notice and give him the silent okay for him to talk to her; but she continued to watch the liquid and it intrigued him even further. What was so interesting about her coffee? Was it even about her coffee, or was she lost in her thoughts and it was her unspoken statement that she wanted to be alone? For a moment he wavered and almost retreated back to his bar stool, but then all of the sudden he felt empowered. To hell with it—today he was going to be brave and meet this woman.
He was just close enough for her to listen without him having to talk above the tone of a normal decibel. "You know, I've heard that if you stare at coffee long enough, it's bound to do some sort of trick." His voice was carefree and outgoing—it matched his personality.
She froze and he could tell that her eyes were darting from side to side. This was his chance. He had to make it seem that he was friendly without the particular 'I've-been-watching-stalkerish' quality. This was his opportunity before she looked up to introduce himself. "Hi, I'm not a weirdo or anything but my name is…"
Unfortunately before he had the chance to finish, she looked up and he caught her brilliant blue eyes fixate on his warm hazel ones. Her eyes widened and she whispered, "Ben."
He offered her an insecure smile and without asking for permission, he pulled out the chair from across her and he plopped down ungracefully. "Rory."
She matched his smile with an even more tentative one of her own and she gripped her mug as if it contained her life's worth. She tried to find a way out, perhaps maybe escape while he wasn't looking but there was something that kept her riveted to her seat. There was no doubt what the emotion was—it was anticipation, but mostly it was curiosity. Here in front of her sat Jess's best friend and there was no question in her mind that the two stayed pals to this day. Both men were as loyal as old dogs and when it came to friends, Rory knew that they both held friendship close no matter what. She knew that both of them cherished friends as much as anything else valuable in life. What was she thinking though? Ben is Jess's best friend, and although she and Ben had grown really close a long time ago, there wasn't any uncertainty where Ben's loyalty was. It was with Jess a hundred percent, and Rory now looked at Ben with apprehension; she knew that Ben was going to protect Jess like an older brother would and she was slightly scared of what was going to come out of his mouth.
Ben's warm features went stone cold and yet it held an inkling of ambiguity. His voice went flat and his eyes darted from every feature of her face to examine her closely. "Imagine me hitting on you in a coffee shop." It even amazed himself how much his emotions could turn in such a short period of time. A minute ago, he was flirtatious and gregarious but now his voice was short and piercing.
"Weird, huh?" Rory didn't know where this was going, but she was willing to let it take her wherever it was meant to go. She wanted to see how Ben was going to react and she most definitely wanted to know how Jess was doing. Still, she battled her emotions inside. Should she explain everything here in the coffee shop to Ben? She wasn't expecting much, if anything at all, but she was more than willing to see how this was all going to turn out.
"I didn't think you were still in the city. I would have guessed that you moved back home or something; I never would have thought that you would be willing to be so close." 'So close to him' was what Ben really wanted to say, but he carefully sidestepped dropping Jess's name in case she wasn't ready to hear it. Yes, he was upset at Rory for leaving Jess and causing his best friend pain, but he was still interested after all these years just what the hell happened that night. Rory was the only one that held the answers and Ben knew just as well as anyone else that this was the golden opportunity to get everything out in the open.
"I did leave…for a while, actually for the last couple of years. But I got this job opportunity here in the city and I thought it'd be time for me to come back home." Rory held her chin high and spoke with confidence, but on the inside she was dying to cut the chit-chat and find out just what was really happening. She wanted to cut through all the bullshit they were dancing around and get to the real fact, the topic of Jess that neither of them wanted to bring up first.
"Home?" His voice dripped with distaste as he heard her refer to New York as home. She didn't belong here: in this coffee shop, in this city, in Jess's memories. He cocked his head to the side and looked into her eyes once again. They were cloudy and he could tell that she had changed. For better or worse, he couldn't decide but he could tell that she was different. She wasn't the innocent girlfriend of his college roommate any more; she wasn't the shy ivy-league student that often appeared in the mornings in Jess's clothes with a cup of coffee in her hand reading the morning paper. She hadn't flashed Ben that brilliant smile that he was accustomed to…this woman had changed and the alterations had hardened her once friendly personality. But through it all, he could still read her emotions. Just like Jess, he was an expert in shielding his own feelings but he was excellent in seeing what others felt through expressions and especially through the eyes. Rory's eyes might be hardened with trials and tribulations but Ben could see her genuine pain and regret that now peered back into his expressionless ones. He took a deep breath and suddenly realized that Jess wasn't the only one that was hurting. Ben squinted and then quickly looked away because he suddenly felt like he was betraying Jess—he felt what Rory was feeling and he sympathized with her. Ben understood that Rory was dealing with her own anxiety and the heavy weight of her past.
He abruptly softened and his whole body relaxed as he slowly released his breath and whispered. "He's doing okay."
Rory's head whipped up and her features reflected her thoughts. A couple of moments ago she was bracing herself for the onset of questions and lectures on pain before she ever would have thought that Ben would be remotely civil to her. Rory looked at Ben and found him staring intently back at her. She knew that he understood and this was his way of being her friend once again—Ben was going to be neutral, he wasn't going to take sides. The edges of her mouth tugged at her first real smile and her eyebrows lifted as she asked in both eagerness and fear, "He really is doing okay?"
Ben was pleased to hear her tone—that young, child-like tone that was unique to Rory. It meant that her defenses were down and they were playing on mutual territory. It was the terrain that they were going to have to get used to for the time being…the one that didn't have Jess on either side. "Well, he's doing well in terms of his career. But if we're going to get all philosophical and delve into his head, I wouldn't classify him as doing 'okay.'"
"So he's still living in the city?"
"Actually he's doing a lot of traveling these days, and I'm back living with him. Well, actually just with Oliver because he's gone a lot. I practically have the whole thing to myself."
Rory was surprised to hear that Jess was traveling. He never took an interest in it before and it struck her how much time had passed. She wasn't the only one that changed. Jess had also matured and she unexpectedly thought that maybe this was a bad idea. She had no clue who Jess was anymore. Did he still act the same? Was he still oh-so serious at times? Did he still enjoy people-watching on that one particular Central Park bench? Was he still walking the streets with his shoulders slumped and his hands shoved in his pockets? She didn't even know the little things, let alone the big details. She wondered if he used the same cologne that used to drive her crazy; the very same scent that used to linger on her sheets long after he left; the same fragrance that danced on her clothing whenever he cuddled close to her. "Wow, traveling. I never thought he'd do it." Ben nodded and took a sip of his cappuccino. A short silence hung over their heads as they mulled over their separate thoughts. Then without warning she questioned, "Who is Oliver?"
Ben's eyebrow went up at that, and he remembered that Jess had gotten Oliver after Rory had left. "Oliver is Jess's golden retriever." He chuckled at her reaction. It was a mixture of confusion and relief, and then it hit Ben. He wondered if she was involved with anyone. At the mention of another name Ben could tell that it put her on the edge, and he could sense that her reactions only meant that she was unattached.
"A dog, huh? Oliver…that's a cute name." She wasn't paying attention anymore. She wasn't actually thinking about a dog and its unique name. She was thinking about Jess and the very real possibility of him in a serious relationship. With her trying to sort out her own feelings, she was very unprepared for the opportunity that Jess may be involved with someone. She of all people couldn't deny the fact that Jess was a very attractive man—he was alluring and mysterious, the deeply brooding type that she knew girls go wild over…hell, she went wild for him all those years ago. Who was stopping other attractive single girls from snatching Jess up?
Ben had lost Rory's attention in the conversation and he knew it. Was he willing to let Rory know that Jess had been just as alone as Rory seemed to be? Ben was unsure of whether or not to tell Rory; she still was the woman that broke Jess's heart and pretty much left him a shell of a person for years after. Jess had been hurt enough in the course of his life and Ben knew that Rory's departure was practically the straw that broke the camel's back. Jess was different now. He was even more emotionally closed off than before and Ben couldn't even remember the last time he really heard Jess authentically laugh without fear of the coming of disappointment.
Was she ready to hear what he had to say to her? Ben had so much he wanted to spill to her. Sitting across from him was once his close friend that had helped him out with girl problems; Rory was the girl that had set Ben up with her friends time after time and she had been there for him when he went through break up and heart ache. She was his other best friend and when she left, Ben couldn't help but feel that she had left him too. It was hard for him to open up to her fully again; but he knew that he had to, a little, at least because there was still that hope. That damn hope that he knew Jess held onto…that hope that they would become that happy couple again. And so for his friend, Ben let out the vital piece of information that both parties were dying to find out.
"Rory…it's just me, him, and Oliver. It's just us." That was all that was needed to be said that Ben knew that Rory would catch on quick.
She sat motionless, her heart pounding so loud that it rang in her ears. Her blood coursed through her veins mixed with caffeine and…what was that emotion that she was feeling? Oh yes…it was hope. It was the same feeling that she had grown accustomed to the first couple of years but then buried it in the midst of forgotten memories in the back of her mind. She leaned until her back hit the chair with a slight thump. "Oh."
"Look Rory, I know this is hard for you. And I know that you can understand how sitting here with you can be so damn hard for me too. I love Jess like a brother; you know that I consider him my family and that I'd do anything for him. He's been there for me and I can't help but feel that I've been there for him too. Let's just say it, okay? When you left, it nearly killed him. I've never seen Jess like that. He's different now—he's…grown, I guess would be the best term. I'm not going to say that leaving must have been the easiest thing for you to do. Back then I felt that you were the second person I knew best in the world, but when Jess showed up at my door in the middle of the night, I knew that it had changed. You left and I don't personally think that there's anything anyone can do about that. What's done is done and that's just how it works. You know that guys like Jess and me don't take happiness at face value; but you were able to make Jess see that there can be something as tangible and real as joy. Anyways, let's just say that he's changed and I can tell that you've changed too."
Rory absorbed his statement and it washed over her, every little word hitting her like a shock of reality. This was the real world and she was living it. This was really happening and she needed to deal with it. She sat on the edge of her seat with her shoulders and back straight and silently begged Ben to finish what he had to say.
"Everything that I've told today is true Rory. Seeing you might have been the hardest thing I've had to do, so I can't even begin to imagine how Jess would take it if I told him, or hell…if you had seen him instead of me. Take things slow Rory. Here's my number at work. Take a couple of days to breathe and let it sink in that this really happened, then give me a call." He reached into the back pocket of his dark jeans and withdrew a business card with his name and position for the company. He carefully slid it across the surface of the table, deliberately avoiding coming in contact with her skin.
Rory looked at the card with doubt and question. Was Ben actually saying that she should see Jess? "I don't understand. What about everything you just said, Ben? About how he's different and how he's changed? I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to see him." She meticulously averted saying his name. She still couldn't say his name…she hadn't uttered it for five years, she just wasn't ready to say it. If she wasn't ready to even do that, how was she going to see him face to face?
"No Rory. I'm not initiating a get-together for you and Jess where you can meet him at the top of the Empire State building where you'll be waiting and he'll pop out of the elevator and you two will collapse into each other's waiting arms." His sarcastic tone crept into his voice and he couldn't help it. However, even though his voice changed from the soft one he'd been using to the scathing one that was intended to hurt, Rory understood that he was still protective of his best friend. And she accepted it without any misunderstanding.
"You owe him an explanation. At the very least you need to tell him why. The both of you have been wandering the last few years wondering what the hell went wrong. I can tell that even after all this time that you want an answer as badly as he does. But you're the one that can answer his question. Before you call, figure it out…sort through whatever you need to, and gather the courage to face him because he's been thinking that it's been his fault. And from the look I see you're giving me, I can tell it's not true."
Ben was hitting every point on the head and it scared Rory. She shook her head and began to protest. "No Ben. I can't. Don't you know how badly I want to tell him why? I don't even know myself."
He leaned forward to whisper his last words to her. They weren't meant to comfort her or to hurt her…it was just his honest truth. "No, I know you have the answer. I know you're just scared shitless to admit it, but I know for a fact that you have the answer. It's time that you come clean with him. He deserves it, Rory…and so do you. It's time; don't make him wait any longer…it's the least you can do."
With that he left her thinking about his words. Did she always just deny the fact that she knew why she had left him because she was afraid to admit it to herself? Yes.
AN: How was it? Did I have you thinking even for a second that the man was Jess? I thought it would be more interesting to have Rory see Ben instead…I think it's less cliché. Drop a line!