Chapter 6
Angel leaned his back heavily against the door, and tried to keep himself from running out there and begging her to come back. He knew that she was still out there staring at the door, wondering what had just happened. Angel clenched his fists into a hard tight ball, and prayed that she would leave so he wouldn't have to listen to the pounding of her heart and the sharp intakes of breath she kept taking.
Finally, after what seemed like years, Angel sensed her get up and walk heavily away. Exhaling, he crumpled to the floor and wished that she would knock on the door and they could start all over from the beginning. Maybe then he would lay eyes on her smiling beautiful face, and it would all be a dream.
In the darkness of his stateroom, Angel stumbled over to his bed and sat down with the intent of trying to sleep. Of course, just like it had been all day, sleep eluded him. All he could hear when he closed his eyes was her voice… and all his dreams shattering.
I do hope that he will propose to you.
Oh, yes. That would be all my dreams come true.
I'm very happy about this, Buffy.
I've noticed.
Riley seems like such a nice man. I think that he could make you very happy.
I'm sure he could.
Angel rolled over and muffled a moan in his pillow. How could she? After all that they shared yesterday… after the things that he had told her… things that he didn't think he would have been able to tell anyone. He had thought that it was possible for someone to care about him.
He had been wrong.
She didn't care about him. She liked that other man. Angel gave a low growl thinking about him. Buffy's mother had said that his name was Riley.
Closing his eyes, and drawing in a deep-unneeded breath, Angel tried to lose himself in the blessed act of sleep. He gave a groan of frustration, when the only picture that his closed eyes showed him was of her. She was staring at him… out there in that hall with wide and scared eyes. She looked lost and alone, wondering why he was saying those things to her.
Angel clenched his teeth together. *She* lied to *him*.
That act out in the hall was just that… an act. Angel ground his teeth together and tried to keep the anger that he could feel rising in him under control. His fingers dug into the skin of his palm, and the scent of blood only increased the rage he felt.
With an agonized howl, Angel leapt up and smashed his hand straight through the wall that separated his room from the bathroom. Trembling, he removed his hand, smashed and bleeding. With shaky fingers he raised his hand to his face and wasn't surprised when he touched his vampire ridges.
He had lost control of the demon again.
Lurching from side to side, Angel found his way over to the mirror that hung onto the wall. He stared transfixed with the image. It showed his bed and the wall behind it. That was it. Concentrating on trying to calm himself, Angel morphed back to his human features.
Still staring intently into the mirror that would never show his reflection, Angel muttered under his breath, "It's better this way. I'm a demon. She doesn't deserve me."
With those words in mind, Angel finally turned away from the mirror. He stumbled back to his bed and lay down. Within minutes he was in a deep sleep.
He dreamed about her.
Buffy stared into her mirror.
She didn't understand it. She *looked* perfectly fine. She wasn't bald, she didn't have a deformed face, and she wasn't too tall or too short. In fact, some might have even called her pretty. Buffy made a face. If she was so pretty, then why didn't the *one* man that she'd ever *liked* want her?
Wringing her hands together, Buffy backed slowly away from the mirror. Was she a hideous person? Did Angel hate the way she talked and the way that she laughed? She had thought that he had been happy that she was in his life… but… now Buffy wasn't sure.
The way he had treated her before… like she was nothing but an annoying mosquito that needed to be brushed off. Without realizing it, Buffy let out a half-cry, half moan. 'Why does this hurt so much?' she thought. 'Why does he do this to me?'
Stumbling blindly, she collapsed against her bed and hugged her pillow to her chest and pretended that it was Angel squeezing her tight. This new thought caused Buffy to wince again as another sharp pain struck her beating heart. It wasn't fair. He had so much power over her….
"But he doesn't want me," Buffy mumbled in a hoarse voice. "It doesn't matter how much I care about him… he doesn't want me."
She squeezed her pillow tighter and felt hot thick tears jabbing at her eyelids, begging to be let out. "No," she declared in a strong voice. "I *won't* cry. I won't cry. I won't cry."
Buffy bit her lip and hung on to those words. She *wouldn't* cry. She was strong. She was the slayer. And he couldn't do this to her.
Buffy was concentrating so hard on getting a handle on herself, that when she heard someone knock on her door, it didn't immediately register. The third time that the knock rang out, however, Buffy heard it loud and clear.
"Come in," she said, her words slightly muffled from burying her face in the pillow.
A shy head pocked itself through the doorway. Willow blushed feeling a little embarrassed. "Hi..."
Buffy barely looked up. "Hey."
Willow frowned. "What's going on?"
Buffy showed the smallest hint of a shrug.
Willow bit her lip. "Since I found you here… and not at room 214, I'm guessing that things with Angel didn't go as planned."
Buffy focused on her bed and gave another tiny shrug.
Willow sighed and sat down beside her. "Hey," she placed a comforting hand on Buffy's arm, "what happened?"
Buffy seethed. "I *hate* Cordelia," she murmured vehemently.
Willow gave a short chuckle. "I'm sorry about that back there… but she's the one paying and all, so I had to." Willow gave a small smile. "But I didn't need to like it."
"Thanks, Will," Buffy managed to force a little smile of her own.
"So," Willow said, "why don't you tell me why you're in here moping and not with a certain handsome vampire?"
Playing with the ends of her pillow absentmindedly, she regarded Willow seriously. "He didn't… he told me to leave."
"What do you mean?"
Buffy bit her lip and held her pillow a little closer. "I got there… and he told me to go. Go away." Buffy took a deep breath, "He didn't want me…"
"Oh, Buffy…" Willow said, her words clogged with emotion. "Are you sure?"
Buffy nodded feeling the first wetness of tears in her eyes. "I'm sure."
Willow sighed. "Men are stupid… Buffy I'm so sorry…"
"Is it me? Is it something I did? I mean, you have to figure that a vampire with a soul isn't exactly going to have hundreds of women at his beck and call…"
"I don't know, it seems like Angel could get anyone he…" Willow paused at the look on Buffy's face. "You're right, of course," she interjected quickly.
Buffy closed her eyes and willed her tears away. "Maybe it is me…."
"No! Buffy don't think that… you know it isn't true."
Buffy's lip quivered. "No… I don't know if it isn't true."
Without another word, Willow leaned forward and pulled Buffy into her arms. Buffy lay, trembling, trying to keep her tears at bay, while Willow rocked her gently. As the first sob tore its way out of her system, Buffy couldn't help but wish it were Angel holding her.
Angel had learned very quickly as a vampire to be on guard at all times. Even during sleep. The knock had barely rang through the stateroom and Angel was up and ready to attack whomever dared to fight its way into *his* territory. Taking a calming breath, Angel relaxed once he remembered that he was on the 'Titanic'.
He didn't stay calm for long, however, because Angel realized that there was no one he knew on the ship that would seek him out. Besides her, of course. Angel closed his eyes once she entered his thoughts. She was the sunshine in his lonely dark existence.
And she loved someone else.
Angel swallowed stiffly, and walked towards the door. He could feel his resolve weakening and he wondered what he would do if it were her on the other side of the door. Of course, considering the way that he had acted earlier, Angel entertained the thought that she was in the hallway brandishing a stake, intending to plunge through his unbeating heart.
That image jarred Angel more than he would have liked. Buffy wasn't supposed to be someone that he was afraid of. For a while he had even thought that she might be his salvation… his light. But Angel knew better. A creature as pure and good as her didn't deserve him. If Riley was as great as her mother had said he was… Angel was glad that she had him.
But he didn't have to be happy about it.
As Angel neared the door, he realized that it wasn't Buffy standing on the other side. The person standing in the hall was calmer than Buffy had been this afternoon. Angel could hear the steady and confident beat of the person's heart. The smell of lavender and flowers wafted through his nostrils and Angel felt a sharp pang thinking about how Buffy smelled like vanilla and honey.
He opened the door cautiously, always on high alert. Years of being forced to live alone had taught him to suspect everyone. The person waiting for Angel on the other side of the door immediately looked up and smiled at him. Angel frowned and desperately tried to remember who the woman was.
"Hi," she said pleasantly. "How are you?" She flipped her hair back and touched Angel on the arm lightly. "Do you have plans for dinner tonight."
Angel shifted. Uncomfortably. "What?"
The girl smiled again and gave a high-pitched laugh. Touching his arm again she grinned. "You're so funny."
Angel cringed and frantically searched his memory for a name. "Um… I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name."
This made the women seem a little put out. The smile vanished a second as she contemplated his words. "I'm Cordelia," she finally replied, her smile reappearing, "Cordelia Chase. Remember? Yesterday… we had that talk…."
Angel forced himself to give a short, painful, laugh. "Of course, how could I forget?"
'What talk???' Angel thought frantically.
Cordelia bit her lip. "I have no idea," she said saucily. Grabbing his arm, she pulled him out of his room and down the hall.
"Where are we going?"
"Do you like my outfit?" Cordelia asked, ignoring his question. "It's made by the finest dressmakers."
Angel barely glanced at it. "Nice."
"Isn't it? My dad had to order it specifically from this dressmaker in New York," Cordelia gushed. "Only the finest materials went into it…"
Angel sighed. This was going to be a long night.
Willow ran the brush through Buffy's hair slowly. Buffy sighed and leaned back, enjoying the feel of being pampered. "Thanks, Will," she muttered.
Willow smiled. "No problem."
Buffy sighed and winced at her reflection in the mirror. "My eyes… they're so red and puffy."
Willow shook her head. "Buffy relax… they aren't that bad."
"I can't believe I cried over him. He's going to know…. he's going to take one look at me and know. And I won't be able to stand it."
"Shhhh," Willow finished the last touches on Buffy's hair, which she had piled neatly on top of her head. "You look beautiful, Buffy. It's his loss."
Buffy bit her lip. "I wish." Willow stood her up and helped her get into her evening gown. At of habit Buffy strapped two stakes and a bottle of holy water under her dress. She smiled appreciatively when Willow pretended not to notice.
"Are you going to be okay tonight?" Willow asked carefully.
Buffy shrugged. "Fine. I'll go and eat with my mother. I'll smile at Riley and laugh at all the right moments. No one will know for a second that inside I'm breaking."
Willow looked at her intently. "Something's missing here. I don't know what it is… but it's definitely missing."
"What do you mean?"
Willow glanced at the chain that Buffy wore around her neck, she knew that underneath her dress a delicate cross was hidden. "Something isn't right about this. It shouldn't be this way. The things that Angel said to you… he couldn't have meant it."
Buffy sniffed and looked away. "I wish that were true."
Her face straightening into one of resolve, Willow shooed her out the door. "Go. Eat with your mother. Do your best to enjoy yourself… I'm going to find out what's really going on."
Buffy clasped her friend's hands. "No… it's fine. I just need to… get past him. I can do that."
The red-head squeezed the slayer's hands. "I don't think it's going to be that easy."
Buffy opened the door to her room and stopped before disappearing to find her mother. She turned back to Willow with a ghost of a smile on her face. "I never said that it was going to be easy."
Watching her go, Willow sat down on her extravagant bed and thought. She went over the details that Buffy had shared with her little by little. Something was pressing on the inside of her brain. If she could just figure out what it was, she knew she could save her blonde friend a lot of heartache.
Buffy diligently allowed herself to be led down the hall. Her mother was chattering incessantly about the people that she had met today and the how friendly people were on the 'Titanic'. Buffy nodded and listened with half an ear. As they neared the first class dining hall she felt her heart begin to speed up.
'What if he's there?' Buffy groaned inwardly. 'What if he's there and I can't handle it?'
Buffy shook her head and tried to pay attention to her mother. "And Molly Brown. Delightful women. Although, the women never does quite know when to shut her mouth…."
'Then again,' Buffy thought with a flash of panic, 'what if he *isn't* there? What if I never see him again?'
"Did I tell you that I met the captain today, Buffy?" Joyce sighed happily.
Buffy stared at her blankly. 'Why doesn't she see how much I'm hurting? Why doesn't she know what's happening to me?'
"No, I don't think so," Buffy replied calmly.
The elder Summer's woman smiled and launched into her story. "Anyway, I managed to arrange for us to have a tour of the ship tomorrow. Wouldn't it be great if we got Riley to come along with us?"
"Sure," Buffy said easily even as she felt her throat clog over, "that would be wonderful."
When the pair descended the Grand Staircase, Joyce looked around for someone she knew. Finally, her eyes settled on Riley waving frantically from one side of the room. Grabbing her daughter's arm she led her over to the table, while Buffy looked around for someone else entirely.
Upon reaching the table, Joyce made sure to introduce Buffy to the other occupants. "You know Riley already, and this is Mrs. Molly Brown and this is Mr. and Mrs. John Jacob Astor… and this is…"
Buffy blocked the rest of her mother's words out as she continued looking around the lavish room. Suddenly, she felt her body tense and freeze, and turning slowly, she found Angel's eyes transfixed on her. Buffy barely suppressed a gasp when their eyes made contact. It seemed like hours that the pair stared at each other when in reality it was really only seconds. With an indignant flash in her eyes, Buffy looked away and concentrated on the people sitting at her table.
Riley stood up and politely slid out her seat. Buffy, feeling Angel's eyes on her back, flashed him a smile and sat down. With a smirk she realized that Riley was going to sit next to her. 'Let him watch now,' she thought to herself, as she visibly slid her chair closer to Riley's.
Buffy leaned forward and offered Riley her undivided attention. "So," she said pleasantly, "where are you from?"
Riley seemed a little surprised at her change in attitude, while Joyce beamed at Buffy. "I'm from… Iowa," Riley answered.
Buffy feigned interest. "Sounds like fun."
"Oh, it is!" Riley exclaimed. "I've always wanted to be a farmer… Iowa being farm country and all, but my parents want me to be a banker."
Buffy concealed a yawn. "Hmmm."
Riley stared off into space. "I figure that if I make enough money as a banker I can get a few cows and pigs…."
"Swell," Buffy muttered. Seeing that Riley was really getting into his fantasy, Buffy risked a glance behind her. There he was. She knew that he was aware that she was watching him. Moving forward he leaned closer to Cordelia, just as Buffy knew she had with Riley.
Buffy fumed. How dare he!!! Well, she hoped that they were happy together. They definitely deserved each other.
Bitterly, Buffy shifted her attentions to the young man next to her. "So!" she exclaimed perkily, "do you have any hobbies?"
"Cows," Riley answered right off the bat.
Buffy faked a smile. "Anything else?" she hissed out between clenched teeth.
Riley shifted uncomfortably. "It's a little embarrassing…"
"Come one, what is it?"
Riley blushed, "Well… I… I like to collect stamps."
Buffy's eyes widened and she clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. "Wow. Stamps… that's certainly… neat."
"Oh, it is!" Riley declared excitedly.
Buffy suppressed a yawn and turned back around to check on Angel. She found him glaring daggers at Riley. She felt a thrill of excitement… but his reaction only confused her further. Wasn't he one that sent her away earlier? Wasn't he the one that was here with Cordelia? Why was he acting like this was her *fault*?
"Buffy?"
Buffy snapped her head around. "What???" she snapped.
"Um… you seemed to blank out there for a minute… we don't have to talk about my stamp collection if you don't want…." Riley paused, "We could talk about you! What about you? Any hobbies?"
Buffy sighed. 'Yes. It involves a pointy piece of wood. And people with fangs that occasionally drain people of their blood. Oh, and lately(,) I've actually fallen in love with a vampire! Imagine that!'
"Nope. No hobbies, just boring Buffy over here." Riley looked as if he was going to say more, but before he could a loud female laugh rung out from across the room. Buffy's head turned around sharply, recognizing the voice as Cordy's. Despite her best intentions, Buffy found her eyes drawn to Angel's.
Angel held the gaze and Buffy didn't turn her head. His eyes roamed her body and Buffy had to fight not to blush under his intrusive look. Finally, he turned his head just slightly until his eyes rested on Riley. Buffy was shocked to see the resemblance of hurt on his face. His eyes summed Riley up until they dropped as if admitting defeat.
Buffy turned her head to stare at Riley. He gave her a baffled look and nodded his head in Angel's direction, "Is that man bothering you?"
All too eagerly Buffy looked back at Angel's table. Her heart sank when she found his head bowed in deep conversation with Cordelia. Again she wondered about herself. Why didn't he want her? Why wasn't he the one next to her right now? Why Cordelia?
Peering at Riley through heavy lids, Buffy felt her heart shatter. "No… he isn't doing anything," she said quietly.
"Are you sure? Buffy, I don't like the way that he was looking at you. No *one* should be able to disrespect you." Riley smiled at her as if he'd just paid her the biggest compliment.
"Like you'd ever stand a chance against him anyway," Buffy half-muttered under her breath.
Riley looked really offended. "I'll have you know," he retorted in a high prissy voice, "that my parents paid for very expensive self-defense classes."
Buffy jumped up and towered over him. "Of course they did! And I'm sure that mommy and daddy will buy you the cows, too. And you know what, Riley? Stamps *aren't* neat. They're stupid. Just like being a banker and wanting to be a farmer is stupid."
Everyone at the table stared at her in shock. "Buffy!" Joyce hissed out, her eyes flashing.
Buffy gulped. Feeling guilty she sat down and wrung her hands together until they stopped trembling. Riley turned his attention to his food and pretended not to notice her. "Riley…." Buffy tried, gently. Despite her harsh words, she felt bad for hurting him. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know that she was the slayer.
Riley didn't look at her. "It's okay," he mumbled, "I get it." Riley waved his hand behind him. "I hope the two of you will be very happy."
Buffy sighed and closed her eyes painfully. "I'm sorry…."
Riley finally turned. "Look," he sighed, his eyes pained, "don't. Whatever you say will only make it worse."
Buffy stared at him for a beat longer before turning away in understanding. Inwardly cursing herself, she turned back to her meal and did her best to avoid her mother's questioning stare for the rest of dinner.
She could feel Angel's eyes on her back the whole time.
1 Saturday April 13, 1912
Buffy awoke with a start. She was glad to note that it was of her own accord rather than her mother pounding on her door. Sighing, she leaned back into her pillows and closed her eyes. She could hear the boat humming gently beneath her and she pretended for a moment that everything was okay and that she was off in a happy land.
Groaning, she forced her eyes open again and wearily climbed out of bed. Unfortunately, the pretending only lasted so long, and then the deep reality of her current situation came flooding back to her.
Angel.
Riley.
Cordelia.
Thinking about the grim realities of her life, Buffy had to fight the urge to return to bed. The only good thing about the morning was that she hadn't yet been lectured by her mother. Which, now that she thought about it, was not necessarily a plus because that pleasurable experience was still to be had.
As silently as possible, Buffy crept out of bed and got dressed. Stealthily, she moved to her door and with without squeaking it, Buffy got it open. Once in the hall, she walked slowly, being as quiet as possible. Down the Grand Staircase she went, all the while taking great pains to mask her movement. Upon reaching the dining hall, she exhaled a breath she hadn't been holding. 'I made it! No mother to contend with this morning.'
That was when Buffy ran smack into a very angry looking Joyce Summers.
Buffy gulped.
Joyce examined her closely with heavy lidded eyes. "Good morning," she said cheerfully, brushing past her.
Buffy's jaw dropped. "Where are you going?"
Joyce didn't turn around. "Out on the deck. I heard that the day is crisp and clear."
"But…" Buffy paused and frowned, "but… aren't you going to lecture me first?"
Her mother gave her a puzzled look. "Now, why would I do something like that?"
"You know what?" Buffy plastered on a fake smile. "You're absolutely right. You should not yell at me. Go out on the deck. Have a nice morning. I'm just going to go—"
"Unless, of course, you happen to be referring to the behavior you showed last night," the elder Summer's woman cut in sharply.
"I was hoping you weren't going to mention that…"
"Buffy, quite frankly I thought that you might have been possessed by demons or something."
Buffy cringed, "You know, it's entirely possible."
"What am I going to do with you? Riley was such a nice boy, Buffy."
The slayer flared with anger. "Well then maybe *you* should marry him!"
Mrs. Summers did not look impressed. "I expect," she said sourly, "a letter of apology to be sent to Riley by the end of the day, and we can only hope that he will be kind enough to forgive you."
"Mom! I *don't* *want* *to* *marry* RILEY!"
Joyce barely even blinked. "Fine. Don't. At this point I'm passed caring… but I want a full letter of apology to him anyway. Is that clear?"
"Loud and clear," Buffy mumbled.
Her mother gave a crisp nod. "Good."
Buffy sighed as she watched her mother retreat from the dining hall. Lethargically(,) the slayer slumped down into the nearest available seat. She wasn't even that hungry. A waitress approached her table and Buffy barely managed to glance up.
"Hi, dear," she said conversationally, "what can I get you today?"
'How about a lying cheating vampire, an overenthusiastic marriage-happy mother, and a dull farmer?'
"Eggs," Buffy answered in a practiced monotone, "scrambled."
Willow glanced timidly around like she was embarking on a terrible and dangerous mission and no one was to know about it. She was still trying to get over the fact that she had actually decided to try and complete her crazy promise. Right. Like this would actually help things any.
With a sigh, Willow raised her hand and knocked on the stateroom door.
She heard some shuffling from the inside, and a muffled groan that made it very clear that she was definitely not welcome. Willow ground her teeth together. She was on a mission, and she planned on accomplishing it. Clenching her fists tightly together, she knocked again, more determinedly.
Finally, there was a shuffle and the door opened. Angel glared at her through squinted eyes. "Who are you?" he demanded after a pause.
Willow blushed. "Don't bite me," she exclaimed quickly.
Angel looked bewildered. "What?"
Willow held up her hands. "Okay, I know that you're good and all now… but you don't seem exactly happy to see me. And that's really no reason to bite me. I'm a nice person, really. Once you get to know me."
Angel looked even more confused. "Who are you?"
"No bites!" Willow cried sharply.
"I'm not going to bite you," Angel snapped, "I just want to know who you are."
Willow looked at the ground and wondered what to tell him. "I'm friends with Buffy," she admitted at last, "my name's Willow."
Angel scowled. "Why would a friend of Buffy's want to see me?"
Willow felt herself nearly explode with anger. "HEY!" she yelled, drawing herself up to her full height. "Maybe I want to see you because I think that it was RUDE and CRUEL what you did to her!!! She came HERE TO SEE YOU and YOU SENT HER AWAY!!! And then you showed up to DINNER with CORDELIA CHASE! CORDELIA!!! Do you have any idea how much Cordelia and Buffy hate each other??? Do you have ANY IDEA how much Buffy HURTS right now?"
Angel looked taken aback.
Willow wasn't done yet. "YOU SICK EVIL PERSON! Do you even CARE what YOU DID TO HER??? She CARED about YOU and you treated her as if she was NOTHING! You know what? You don't DESERVE her!" Willow finally stopped yelling, and she finished her tirade breathing hard and glaring at Angel.
"You're right," Angle said simply after a minute. "I'm sick. And evil. And I don't deserve her. I'm glad that she found Riley. He…" Angel paused and closed his eyes, fighting for control over his emotions, "he's much better for her than I am."
Willow opened her mouth to yell at him, but then his words sunk in. Slowly, her eyes ticked to his face and she took in his look of pure misery and pain. All the anger she had felt before drained away as if it hadn't ever been there. Licking her lips, she took a step back and gazed at the vampire with a soul in pity.
"Okay… what did I miss?"
TBC
Angel leaned his back heavily against the door, and tried to keep himself from running out there and begging her to come back. He knew that she was still out there staring at the door, wondering what had just happened. Angel clenched his fists into a hard tight ball, and prayed that she would leave so he wouldn't have to listen to the pounding of her heart and the sharp intakes of breath she kept taking.
Finally, after what seemed like years, Angel sensed her get up and walk heavily away. Exhaling, he crumpled to the floor and wished that she would knock on the door and they could start all over from the beginning. Maybe then he would lay eyes on her smiling beautiful face, and it would all be a dream.
In the darkness of his stateroom, Angel stumbled over to his bed and sat down with the intent of trying to sleep. Of course, just like it had been all day, sleep eluded him. All he could hear when he closed his eyes was her voice… and all his dreams shattering.
I do hope that he will propose to you.
Oh, yes. That would be all my dreams come true.
I'm very happy about this, Buffy.
I've noticed.
Riley seems like such a nice man. I think that he could make you very happy.
I'm sure he could.
Angel rolled over and muffled a moan in his pillow. How could she? After all that they shared yesterday… after the things that he had told her… things that he didn't think he would have been able to tell anyone. He had thought that it was possible for someone to care about him.
He had been wrong.
She didn't care about him. She liked that other man. Angel gave a low growl thinking about him. Buffy's mother had said that his name was Riley.
Closing his eyes, and drawing in a deep-unneeded breath, Angel tried to lose himself in the blessed act of sleep. He gave a groan of frustration, when the only picture that his closed eyes showed him was of her. She was staring at him… out there in that hall with wide and scared eyes. She looked lost and alone, wondering why he was saying those things to her.
Angel clenched his teeth together. *She* lied to *him*.
That act out in the hall was just that… an act. Angel ground his teeth together and tried to keep the anger that he could feel rising in him under control. His fingers dug into the skin of his palm, and the scent of blood only increased the rage he felt.
With an agonized howl, Angel leapt up and smashed his hand straight through the wall that separated his room from the bathroom. Trembling, he removed his hand, smashed and bleeding. With shaky fingers he raised his hand to his face and wasn't surprised when he touched his vampire ridges.
He had lost control of the demon again.
Lurching from side to side, Angel found his way over to the mirror that hung onto the wall. He stared transfixed with the image. It showed his bed and the wall behind it. That was it. Concentrating on trying to calm himself, Angel morphed back to his human features.
Still staring intently into the mirror that would never show his reflection, Angel muttered under his breath, "It's better this way. I'm a demon. She doesn't deserve me."
With those words in mind, Angel finally turned away from the mirror. He stumbled back to his bed and lay down. Within minutes he was in a deep sleep.
He dreamed about her.
Buffy stared into her mirror.
She didn't understand it. She *looked* perfectly fine. She wasn't bald, she didn't have a deformed face, and she wasn't too tall or too short. In fact, some might have even called her pretty. Buffy made a face. If she was so pretty, then why didn't the *one* man that she'd ever *liked* want her?
Wringing her hands together, Buffy backed slowly away from the mirror. Was she a hideous person? Did Angel hate the way she talked and the way that she laughed? She had thought that he had been happy that she was in his life… but… now Buffy wasn't sure.
The way he had treated her before… like she was nothing but an annoying mosquito that needed to be brushed off. Without realizing it, Buffy let out a half-cry, half moan. 'Why does this hurt so much?' she thought. 'Why does he do this to me?'
Stumbling blindly, she collapsed against her bed and hugged her pillow to her chest and pretended that it was Angel squeezing her tight. This new thought caused Buffy to wince again as another sharp pain struck her beating heart. It wasn't fair. He had so much power over her….
"But he doesn't want me," Buffy mumbled in a hoarse voice. "It doesn't matter how much I care about him… he doesn't want me."
She squeezed her pillow tighter and felt hot thick tears jabbing at her eyelids, begging to be let out. "No," she declared in a strong voice. "I *won't* cry. I won't cry. I won't cry."
Buffy bit her lip and hung on to those words. She *wouldn't* cry. She was strong. She was the slayer. And he couldn't do this to her.
Buffy was concentrating so hard on getting a handle on herself, that when she heard someone knock on her door, it didn't immediately register. The third time that the knock rang out, however, Buffy heard it loud and clear.
"Come in," she said, her words slightly muffled from burying her face in the pillow.
A shy head pocked itself through the doorway. Willow blushed feeling a little embarrassed. "Hi..."
Buffy barely looked up. "Hey."
Willow frowned. "What's going on?"
Buffy showed the smallest hint of a shrug.
Willow bit her lip. "Since I found you here… and not at room 214, I'm guessing that things with Angel didn't go as planned."
Buffy focused on her bed and gave another tiny shrug.
Willow sighed and sat down beside her. "Hey," she placed a comforting hand on Buffy's arm, "what happened?"
Buffy seethed. "I *hate* Cordelia," she murmured vehemently.
Willow gave a short chuckle. "I'm sorry about that back there… but she's the one paying and all, so I had to." Willow gave a small smile. "But I didn't need to like it."
"Thanks, Will," Buffy managed to force a little smile of her own.
"So," Willow said, "why don't you tell me why you're in here moping and not with a certain handsome vampire?"
Playing with the ends of her pillow absentmindedly, she regarded Willow seriously. "He didn't… he told me to leave."
"What do you mean?"
Buffy bit her lip and held her pillow a little closer. "I got there… and he told me to go. Go away." Buffy took a deep breath, "He didn't want me…"
"Oh, Buffy…" Willow said, her words clogged with emotion. "Are you sure?"
Buffy nodded feeling the first wetness of tears in her eyes. "I'm sure."
Willow sighed. "Men are stupid… Buffy I'm so sorry…"
"Is it me? Is it something I did? I mean, you have to figure that a vampire with a soul isn't exactly going to have hundreds of women at his beck and call…"
"I don't know, it seems like Angel could get anyone he…" Willow paused at the look on Buffy's face. "You're right, of course," she interjected quickly.
Buffy closed her eyes and willed her tears away. "Maybe it is me…."
"No! Buffy don't think that… you know it isn't true."
Buffy's lip quivered. "No… I don't know if it isn't true."
Without another word, Willow leaned forward and pulled Buffy into her arms. Buffy lay, trembling, trying to keep her tears at bay, while Willow rocked her gently. As the first sob tore its way out of her system, Buffy couldn't help but wish it were Angel holding her.
Angel had learned very quickly as a vampire to be on guard at all times. Even during sleep. The knock had barely rang through the stateroom and Angel was up and ready to attack whomever dared to fight its way into *his* territory. Taking a calming breath, Angel relaxed once he remembered that he was on the 'Titanic'.
He didn't stay calm for long, however, because Angel realized that there was no one he knew on the ship that would seek him out. Besides her, of course. Angel closed his eyes once she entered his thoughts. She was the sunshine in his lonely dark existence.
And she loved someone else.
Angel swallowed stiffly, and walked towards the door. He could feel his resolve weakening and he wondered what he would do if it were her on the other side of the door. Of course, considering the way that he had acted earlier, Angel entertained the thought that she was in the hallway brandishing a stake, intending to plunge through his unbeating heart.
That image jarred Angel more than he would have liked. Buffy wasn't supposed to be someone that he was afraid of. For a while he had even thought that she might be his salvation… his light. But Angel knew better. A creature as pure and good as her didn't deserve him. If Riley was as great as her mother had said he was… Angel was glad that she had him.
But he didn't have to be happy about it.
As Angel neared the door, he realized that it wasn't Buffy standing on the other side. The person standing in the hall was calmer than Buffy had been this afternoon. Angel could hear the steady and confident beat of the person's heart. The smell of lavender and flowers wafted through his nostrils and Angel felt a sharp pang thinking about how Buffy smelled like vanilla and honey.
He opened the door cautiously, always on high alert. Years of being forced to live alone had taught him to suspect everyone. The person waiting for Angel on the other side of the door immediately looked up and smiled at him. Angel frowned and desperately tried to remember who the woman was.
"Hi," she said pleasantly. "How are you?" She flipped her hair back and touched Angel on the arm lightly. "Do you have plans for dinner tonight."
Angel shifted. Uncomfortably. "What?"
The girl smiled again and gave a high-pitched laugh. Touching his arm again she grinned. "You're so funny."
Angel cringed and frantically searched his memory for a name. "Um… I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name."
This made the women seem a little put out. The smile vanished a second as she contemplated his words. "I'm Cordelia," she finally replied, her smile reappearing, "Cordelia Chase. Remember? Yesterday… we had that talk…."
Angel forced himself to give a short, painful, laugh. "Of course, how could I forget?"
'What talk???' Angel thought frantically.
Cordelia bit her lip. "I have no idea," she said saucily. Grabbing his arm, she pulled him out of his room and down the hall.
"Where are we going?"
"Do you like my outfit?" Cordelia asked, ignoring his question. "It's made by the finest dressmakers."
Angel barely glanced at it. "Nice."
"Isn't it? My dad had to order it specifically from this dressmaker in New York," Cordelia gushed. "Only the finest materials went into it…"
Angel sighed. This was going to be a long night.
Willow ran the brush through Buffy's hair slowly. Buffy sighed and leaned back, enjoying the feel of being pampered. "Thanks, Will," she muttered.
Willow smiled. "No problem."
Buffy sighed and winced at her reflection in the mirror. "My eyes… they're so red and puffy."
Willow shook her head. "Buffy relax… they aren't that bad."
"I can't believe I cried over him. He's going to know…. he's going to take one look at me and know. And I won't be able to stand it."
"Shhhh," Willow finished the last touches on Buffy's hair, which she had piled neatly on top of her head. "You look beautiful, Buffy. It's his loss."
Buffy bit her lip. "I wish." Willow stood her up and helped her get into her evening gown. At of habit Buffy strapped two stakes and a bottle of holy water under her dress. She smiled appreciatively when Willow pretended not to notice.
"Are you going to be okay tonight?" Willow asked carefully.
Buffy shrugged. "Fine. I'll go and eat with my mother. I'll smile at Riley and laugh at all the right moments. No one will know for a second that inside I'm breaking."
Willow looked at her intently. "Something's missing here. I don't know what it is… but it's definitely missing."
"What do you mean?"
Willow glanced at the chain that Buffy wore around her neck, she knew that underneath her dress a delicate cross was hidden. "Something isn't right about this. It shouldn't be this way. The things that Angel said to you… he couldn't have meant it."
Buffy sniffed and looked away. "I wish that were true."
Her face straightening into one of resolve, Willow shooed her out the door. "Go. Eat with your mother. Do your best to enjoy yourself… I'm going to find out what's really going on."
Buffy clasped her friend's hands. "No… it's fine. I just need to… get past him. I can do that."
The red-head squeezed the slayer's hands. "I don't think it's going to be that easy."
Buffy opened the door to her room and stopped before disappearing to find her mother. She turned back to Willow with a ghost of a smile on her face. "I never said that it was going to be easy."
Watching her go, Willow sat down on her extravagant bed and thought. She went over the details that Buffy had shared with her little by little. Something was pressing on the inside of her brain. If she could just figure out what it was, she knew she could save her blonde friend a lot of heartache.
Buffy diligently allowed herself to be led down the hall. Her mother was chattering incessantly about the people that she had met today and the how friendly people were on the 'Titanic'. Buffy nodded and listened with half an ear. As they neared the first class dining hall she felt her heart begin to speed up.
'What if he's there?' Buffy groaned inwardly. 'What if he's there and I can't handle it?'
Buffy shook her head and tried to pay attention to her mother. "And Molly Brown. Delightful women. Although, the women never does quite know when to shut her mouth…."
'Then again,' Buffy thought with a flash of panic, 'what if he *isn't* there? What if I never see him again?'
"Did I tell you that I met the captain today, Buffy?" Joyce sighed happily.
Buffy stared at her blankly. 'Why doesn't she see how much I'm hurting? Why doesn't she know what's happening to me?'
"No, I don't think so," Buffy replied calmly.
The elder Summer's woman smiled and launched into her story. "Anyway, I managed to arrange for us to have a tour of the ship tomorrow. Wouldn't it be great if we got Riley to come along with us?"
"Sure," Buffy said easily even as she felt her throat clog over, "that would be wonderful."
When the pair descended the Grand Staircase, Joyce looked around for someone she knew. Finally, her eyes settled on Riley waving frantically from one side of the room. Grabbing her daughter's arm she led her over to the table, while Buffy looked around for someone else entirely.
Upon reaching the table, Joyce made sure to introduce Buffy to the other occupants. "You know Riley already, and this is Mrs. Molly Brown and this is Mr. and Mrs. John Jacob Astor… and this is…"
Buffy blocked the rest of her mother's words out as she continued looking around the lavish room. Suddenly, she felt her body tense and freeze, and turning slowly, she found Angel's eyes transfixed on her. Buffy barely suppressed a gasp when their eyes made contact. It seemed like hours that the pair stared at each other when in reality it was really only seconds. With an indignant flash in her eyes, Buffy looked away and concentrated on the people sitting at her table.
Riley stood up and politely slid out her seat. Buffy, feeling Angel's eyes on her back, flashed him a smile and sat down. With a smirk she realized that Riley was going to sit next to her. 'Let him watch now,' she thought to herself, as she visibly slid her chair closer to Riley's.
Buffy leaned forward and offered Riley her undivided attention. "So," she said pleasantly, "where are you from?"
Riley seemed a little surprised at her change in attitude, while Joyce beamed at Buffy. "I'm from… Iowa," Riley answered.
Buffy feigned interest. "Sounds like fun."
"Oh, it is!" Riley exclaimed. "I've always wanted to be a farmer… Iowa being farm country and all, but my parents want me to be a banker."
Buffy concealed a yawn. "Hmmm."
Riley stared off into space. "I figure that if I make enough money as a banker I can get a few cows and pigs…."
"Swell," Buffy muttered. Seeing that Riley was really getting into his fantasy, Buffy risked a glance behind her. There he was. She knew that he was aware that she was watching him. Moving forward he leaned closer to Cordelia, just as Buffy knew she had with Riley.
Buffy fumed. How dare he!!! Well, she hoped that they were happy together. They definitely deserved each other.
Bitterly, Buffy shifted her attentions to the young man next to her. "So!" she exclaimed perkily, "do you have any hobbies?"
"Cows," Riley answered right off the bat.
Buffy faked a smile. "Anything else?" she hissed out between clenched teeth.
Riley shifted uncomfortably. "It's a little embarrassing…"
"Come one, what is it?"
Riley blushed, "Well… I… I like to collect stamps."
Buffy's eyes widened and she clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. "Wow. Stamps… that's certainly… neat."
"Oh, it is!" Riley declared excitedly.
Buffy suppressed a yawn and turned back around to check on Angel. She found him glaring daggers at Riley. She felt a thrill of excitement… but his reaction only confused her further. Wasn't he one that sent her away earlier? Wasn't he the one that was here with Cordelia? Why was he acting like this was her *fault*?
"Buffy?"
Buffy snapped her head around. "What???" she snapped.
"Um… you seemed to blank out there for a minute… we don't have to talk about my stamp collection if you don't want…." Riley paused, "We could talk about you! What about you? Any hobbies?"
Buffy sighed. 'Yes. It involves a pointy piece of wood. And people with fangs that occasionally drain people of their blood. Oh, and lately(,) I've actually fallen in love with a vampire! Imagine that!'
"Nope. No hobbies, just boring Buffy over here." Riley looked as if he was going to say more, but before he could a loud female laugh rung out from across the room. Buffy's head turned around sharply, recognizing the voice as Cordy's. Despite her best intentions, Buffy found her eyes drawn to Angel's.
Angel held the gaze and Buffy didn't turn her head. His eyes roamed her body and Buffy had to fight not to blush under his intrusive look. Finally, he turned his head just slightly until his eyes rested on Riley. Buffy was shocked to see the resemblance of hurt on his face. His eyes summed Riley up until they dropped as if admitting defeat.
Buffy turned her head to stare at Riley. He gave her a baffled look and nodded his head in Angel's direction, "Is that man bothering you?"
All too eagerly Buffy looked back at Angel's table. Her heart sank when she found his head bowed in deep conversation with Cordelia. Again she wondered about herself. Why didn't he want her? Why wasn't he the one next to her right now? Why Cordelia?
Peering at Riley through heavy lids, Buffy felt her heart shatter. "No… he isn't doing anything," she said quietly.
"Are you sure? Buffy, I don't like the way that he was looking at you. No *one* should be able to disrespect you." Riley smiled at her as if he'd just paid her the biggest compliment.
"Like you'd ever stand a chance against him anyway," Buffy half-muttered under her breath.
Riley looked really offended. "I'll have you know," he retorted in a high prissy voice, "that my parents paid for very expensive self-defense classes."
Buffy jumped up and towered over him. "Of course they did! And I'm sure that mommy and daddy will buy you the cows, too. And you know what, Riley? Stamps *aren't* neat. They're stupid. Just like being a banker and wanting to be a farmer is stupid."
Everyone at the table stared at her in shock. "Buffy!" Joyce hissed out, her eyes flashing.
Buffy gulped. Feeling guilty she sat down and wrung her hands together until they stopped trembling. Riley turned his attention to his food and pretended not to notice her. "Riley…." Buffy tried, gently. Despite her harsh words, she felt bad for hurting him. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know that she was the slayer.
Riley didn't look at her. "It's okay," he mumbled, "I get it." Riley waved his hand behind him. "I hope the two of you will be very happy."
Buffy sighed and closed her eyes painfully. "I'm sorry…."
Riley finally turned. "Look," he sighed, his eyes pained, "don't. Whatever you say will only make it worse."
Buffy stared at him for a beat longer before turning away in understanding. Inwardly cursing herself, she turned back to her meal and did her best to avoid her mother's questioning stare for the rest of dinner.
She could feel Angel's eyes on her back the whole time.
1 Saturday April 13, 1912
Buffy awoke with a start. She was glad to note that it was of her own accord rather than her mother pounding on her door. Sighing, she leaned back into her pillows and closed her eyes. She could hear the boat humming gently beneath her and she pretended for a moment that everything was okay and that she was off in a happy land.
Groaning, she forced her eyes open again and wearily climbed out of bed. Unfortunately, the pretending only lasted so long, and then the deep reality of her current situation came flooding back to her.
Angel.
Riley.
Cordelia.
Thinking about the grim realities of her life, Buffy had to fight the urge to return to bed. The only good thing about the morning was that she hadn't yet been lectured by her mother. Which, now that she thought about it, was not necessarily a plus because that pleasurable experience was still to be had.
As silently as possible, Buffy crept out of bed and got dressed. Stealthily, she moved to her door and with without squeaking it, Buffy got it open. Once in the hall, she walked slowly, being as quiet as possible. Down the Grand Staircase she went, all the while taking great pains to mask her movement. Upon reaching the dining hall, she exhaled a breath she hadn't been holding. 'I made it! No mother to contend with this morning.'
That was when Buffy ran smack into a very angry looking Joyce Summers.
Buffy gulped.
Joyce examined her closely with heavy lidded eyes. "Good morning," she said cheerfully, brushing past her.
Buffy's jaw dropped. "Where are you going?"
Joyce didn't turn around. "Out on the deck. I heard that the day is crisp and clear."
"But…" Buffy paused and frowned, "but… aren't you going to lecture me first?"
Her mother gave her a puzzled look. "Now, why would I do something like that?"
"You know what?" Buffy plastered on a fake smile. "You're absolutely right. You should not yell at me. Go out on the deck. Have a nice morning. I'm just going to go—"
"Unless, of course, you happen to be referring to the behavior you showed last night," the elder Summer's woman cut in sharply.
"I was hoping you weren't going to mention that…"
"Buffy, quite frankly I thought that you might have been possessed by demons or something."
Buffy cringed, "You know, it's entirely possible."
"What am I going to do with you? Riley was such a nice boy, Buffy."
The slayer flared with anger. "Well then maybe *you* should marry him!"
Mrs. Summers did not look impressed. "I expect," she said sourly, "a letter of apology to be sent to Riley by the end of the day, and we can only hope that he will be kind enough to forgive you."
"Mom! I *don't* *want* *to* *marry* RILEY!"
Joyce barely even blinked. "Fine. Don't. At this point I'm passed caring… but I want a full letter of apology to him anyway. Is that clear?"
"Loud and clear," Buffy mumbled.
Her mother gave a crisp nod. "Good."
Buffy sighed as she watched her mother retreat from the dining hall. Lethargically(,) the slayer slumped down into the nearest available seat. She wasn't even that hungry. A waitress approached her table and Buffy barely managed to glance up.
"Hi, dear," she said conversationally, "what can I get you today?"
'How about a lying cheating vampire, an overenthusiastic marriage-happy mother, and a dull farmer?'
"Eggs," Buffy answered in a practiced monotone, "scrambled."
Willow glanced timidly around like she was embarking on a terrible and dangerous mission and no one was to know about it. She was still trying to get over the fact that she had actually decided to try and complete her crazy promise. Right. Like this would actually help things any.
With a sigh, Willow raised her hand and knocked on the stateroom door.
She heard some shuffling from the inside, and a muffled groan that made it very clear that she was definitely not welcome. Willow ground her teeth together. She was on a mission, and she planned on accomplishing it. Clenching her fists tightly together, she knocked again, more determinedly.
Finally, there was a shuffle and the door opened. Angel glared at her through squinted eyes. "Who are you?" he demanded after a pause.
Willow blushed. "Don't bite me," she exclaimed quickly.
Angel looked bewildered. "What?"
Willow held up her hands. "Okay, I know that you're good and all now… but you don't seem exactly happy to see me. And that's really no reason to bite me. I'm a nice person, really. Once you get to know me."
Angel looked even more confused. "Who are you?"
"No bites!" Willow cried sharply.
"I'm not going to bite you," Angel snapped, "I just want to know who you are."
Willow looked at the ground and wondered what to tell him. "I'm friends with Buffy," she admitted at last, "my name's Willow."
Angel scowled. "Why would a friend of Buffy's want to see me?"
Willow felt herself nearly explode with anger. "HEY!" she yelled, drawing herself up to her full height. "Maybe I want to see you because I think that it was RUDE and CRUEL what you did to her!!! She came HERE TO SEE YOU and YOU SENT HER AWAY!!! And then you showed up to DINNER with CORDELIA CHASE! CORDELIA!!! Do you have any idea how much Cordelia and Buffy hate each other??? Do you have ANY IDEA how much Buffy HURTS right now?"
Angel looked taken aback.
Willow wasn't done yet. "YOU SICK EVIL PERSON! Do you even CARE what YOU DID TO HER??? She CARED about YOU and you treated her as if she was NOTHING! You know what? You don't DESERVE her!" Willow finally stopped yelling, and she finished her tirade breathing hard and glaring at Angel.
"You're right," Angle said simply after a minute. "I'm sick. And evil. And I don't deserve her. I'm glad that she found Riley. He…" Angel paused and closed his eyes, fighting for control over his emotions, "he's much better for her than I am."
Willow opened her mouth to yell at him, but then his words sunk in. Slowly, her eyes ticked to his face and she took in his look of pure misery and pain. All the anger she had felt before drained away as if it hadn't ever been there. Licking her lips, she took a step back and gazed at the vampire with a soul in pity.
"Okay… what did I miss?"
TBC