The Question of Inevitability
Author: Knowhere
Chapter 6: Circle
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Nothing
AN: Not much to say I guess…just thanks for taking the time to read.
BN: Ha ha, Tiff…this is for you. Kept it just for you. Thanks.
Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask. Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess. Does he have the ability to forgive her? Literati/Au/Future Fic
She rolled over in her fruitless attempt to sleep. Giving up with not much determination, she hopped off the bed and padded over to her kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Pulling the fridge open, she popped open the seal and tilted the liquid to her lips. It gave her a cooling sensation and suddenly she got goose bumps all over from the chill. Paying no attention she set the water on the counter, only to find that she missed the edge by a foot, spilling the water all over herself and the floor. "Shit." Rory took some paper towels to wipe herself off and then knelt down on the floor to clean up the mess. And then it hit her. She stopped her wiping and sat on the kitchen tiles, thinking about how she had spilled her life over the edge. She had been grasping at the edge only to find that in the end, she still missed the counter. If only she could stop and let relief wash over her. She had thought that her feelings would be gone by now…that pain that she had been accustomed to the first couple of years. But she hadn't counted on it staying this long. That pain that gripped at her chest when she thought of him. That pain that gnawed at her conscience every time she was alone, which was quite often these days.
Leaving the mess for tomorrow, she walked back to her bedroom and slipped under the covers. She rolled over to her left side, the side that would have been his usual spot, and she buried herself in the pillow. If she tried hard enough, she could still smell him. She could still see him turning over to his side to brush a few stray hairs out of her face. And if that wasn't enough, she could still feel the gentle brush of his fingers across her skin—marking her...a statement that she was his. With the tears that fell, she felt vacant.
(Flashback)
The bed shifted and she rolled over to ignore the weight on her side of the mattress. But unfortunately, he continued to lean over her…hovering, waiting for a reaction. She gave up on trying pretending that she was asleep and groggily questioned. "What do you want?"
He whispered into her ear, "You." He slowly traced the edges of her ear with his tongue and he nipped at the curve of her neck.
She whimpered and he grinned. He won and he liked that feeling of power. He tried to move off of her to get a better angle of her face, but she refused to let him move. "Jess…" She groaned and he chuckled. Rory always wanted more once he started. And what kind of a boyfriend would he be if he denied her?
Jess snuggled down into the blanket and reached out to pull her closer to his warm body. He proceeded to ever-so slowly shower her faces with tender kisses and even though she squirmed to get him to kiss her on the mouth, he resisted and pursued teasing her. After seven minutes of butterfly kisses, Rory got restless and she rolled over until she straddled him over his hips. Shocked by her boldness, Jess had a full-blown smirk on his face and then decided to just enjoy what she had in store for him. Rory leaned down and kissed him hard on the lips while her fingers toyed with the elastic band of his boxers. He grasped her face with both hands and pulled her down to lay on top of him—their entire bodies touching with not a single inch of space dividing them.
She teased him like he was doing earlier and it was literally killing him. She kissed him forcefully but then eased up on the pressure whenever his excitement was starting to build up. When he grabbed at her waist in attempt to roll her over, she resisted and pulled back away from his touch. With a growl he complains, "Rory, you're killing me here. God, when did you become such a tease?"
Rory chuckled at his hoarse whispered words and she replied. "Just giving you a taste of your own medicine. It isn't so fun when you're the one being teased, is it?" She grinned back seductively and licked her lips in the most tempting way possible.
His eyes widened at that sight of her. "Jesus Christ…a guy can only take so much!" He flopped back on the bed with a thump and covered his face with his hands trying to regain some sort of dignity.
"You just have to say that you give up and I'll be all yours…" She raised an eyebrow at the challenge and encouraged him to look at her by nudging his hands out of the way with her face.
"Fine, fine…you win. When it comes to you, I'm nowhere near being in control. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? That I love you so much that you just drive me crazy?" Jess couldn't help but smile through his confession because there was no way he was angry at her…it was true—he couldn't control himself when he was around her and that was just a natural fact.
"Yes! I knew I'd win!" Rory got off of him and did a little victory dance at the foot of the bed when he relinquished power to her. In the middle of her dance, with her arms flailing and her feet stomping, Jess silenced her by coming up from behind and kissing her neck.
"Now that you've won, I think it's time for the prize." He pulled her back to bed and stopped all of her coherent thought with the movement of his own body…
(End of Flashback)
Rory could admit without hesitation that she had missed him. The time spent apart had been lonely but it killed her to be without the comfort of a man. It wasn't that she didn't have the opportunity with other men, but every time the relationship resembled anything with commitment, she'd back out claiming that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship. But the truth was that she was looking for something serious, but she knew that she was hoping for what she used to have and not something new. Yes, it had been hard for Rory to not have someone she could talk to, to relate to, and to share her deepest thoughts with; but the hardest part of the past few years was being without the physical comfort of anyone. Jess had shown her a world of feelings that she never thought possible and she felt that she would betray him if she experienced those feelings with anyone but him. Rory was irrational, but no one had made love to her like Jess did. He was never good with expressing himself with words, especially not in conversation, but he told her all she needed to hear in bed. When they were together, she understood how much he cherished her by what he showed her with his body. She loved it, and she missed that mysterious, fluid motion of his body next to hers.
But was this the knocking of opportunity at the door? Was this her once in a lifetime opportunity to mend that broken relationship? Rory needed to prepare herself in the realistic option that he couldn't forgive her and that would be final; but there was still that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, whispering to her that she might have a shot if she came clean. But could she handle it?
She picked up the phone and glanced at the card in her shaking hand. Uneasily, she dialed the numbers. "Hello? Benjamin Fields, please."
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"Ahh…it's good to be home again. I swear the paper needs to set me up with a hotel that has a functioning shower next time. I felt like I was camping or something…all dirty and the only way to get clean was to use those wet wipes…I might as well licked myself clean. It seems to work for you, eh buddy?"
Of course there wasn't a reply, but Oliver just got up from his comfortable spot on the floor and jumped up on the couch and rested his head on Jess's lap. With a slight whimper and a nudge of the nose, Jess finally relented and started to scratch Oliver behind his ears. Satisfied, the dog began to snuggle further into Jess's lap and closed his eyes at the warm sensation.
Ducking his head to glance at his companion, Jess chuckled at himself. "Glad to know I still have that magical touch."
The phone rings, jolting both from the silence and Jess stretches over the mass of brown fur to grab the handset. "Hello?"
"Oh, good I caught you. I was afraid that you'd be out or something."
"Yeah? And what would I be doing, huh?" Jess chuckled and relaxed into the sofa.
"Well, you know…partying and stuff. Whatever it is that you young kids do these days."
"Uh huh. I'm sorry…do you not know me at all? I'm crushed, after all these years and I'm just another pretty face at the office to you? You should really get to know your employees, Rob."
"Mariano, don't tell me that you're sitting on your ass on a Friday night with a beer and your dog." He chided Jess knowing fully that his friend was exactly how he described him to be.
"Whatever. Did you just call to remind me what a loser I am? What do you want?" Both of their tones were light; it reflected their relationship. They bantered back and forth teasing each other as their form of masculine affection.
The line went silent for a second longer than it should and Jess suddenly knew what Rob was going to say. "No, no…Rob, I just got back home yesterday night. Now I know you'd said this new position was going to have a little more traveling, but this is insane. Do you know how many times I've been home this month? Six days…that's it! And the last time I went for five days without a goddamn shower!"
"I'm sorry Jess; but I need you to do this. I'll promise that after this one, you can have some time off. A paid vacation for a week, okay? Come on, you know you were miserable here in the city moping all the time. You owe me; I let you travel the world and on top of it all I gave you a huge raise. It's only for the weekend and you're going to Canada. It'll be easy, I swear. What do you say?"
Shaking his head, Jess smiled. "Yeah, yeah. But I'm taking your word on that vacation. Don't bullshit me, alright?"
"Thanks man. You leave at seven tomorrow morning. I'll fax over your itinerary and everything you need to know. Just pick up your ticket in the morning…you know the drill. Thanks, I really appreciate it Jess."
"You better."
They hung up and Jess got off the couch and reached into his closet for his travel bag. Sighing, he placed in a couple of dress shirts and some jeans and headed over to his bathroom to get his toothbrush and razor.
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Ben hurried over to the ringing door and opened it to the awaiting person. "Hey." His tone was still slightly guarded and he dropped his gaze in apology for his reply.
"Hi." Rory stood at the threshold, not knowing what to do. After much debate with herself, she decided to show up but she didn't know how to act. This was the big moment and it was swallowing her up. It had been an internal battle ever since she called up Ben; she didn't have a clue what she was going to do and to simply put it—she was as nervous as hell.
Ben stood aside in hopes that she'd get the point and step through the door, but when she continued to stare he questioned, "You gonna come in?"
"Oh! Um…yeah." Her hands shook and she tucked her hair behind her ear for the hundredth time. This was it. She stepped through and half-heartedly waited for Jess to pop up and start yelling; but she was greeted with silence…nothing but the ticking of the clock on the wall. And all of the sudden, she felt…disappointed? No, in a way she was hoping to see his face but she dreaded the moment when she'd have to see those eyes that haunted her for so long.
Ben had moved over to the small kitchen and he was rummaging through the fridge. Brandishing a box of juice, he stuck in the straw and walked back to Rory. "You want one?" He lifted his eyebrows in question and she shook her head.
Her head jerked to the bedrooms as the sound of pattering nails echoed throughout the apartment. Then the friendly pattering became a thundering of paws as the dog caught sight of the newcomer. Oliver ran straight up to Rory and pawed at her chest while sniffing her purse for food. Even in the midst of all the tension, she couldn't help but laugh and pet the dog. "Hey there. You must be Oliver." She giggled and kneeled down to properly scratch the dog on the head.
Ben managed to crack a smile, seeing Oliver taking a liking to Rory. "I'm surprised he isn't barking. Oliver doesn't really like a lot of people. He almost bit the neighbor across the hall when that guy yelled at Jess for stealing his newspaper. He's really protective."
"Oh." Rory got back up on her feet and shouldered her purse once again. The dog scampered away and the nervousness returned. With nothing to occupy her hands with, she finally got the courage to look around and take in the appearance of the apartment. It was clean by any standards, but for a couple of bachelors, it was immaculate. Rory grinned at the thought that Jess got neater over the years. She wanted to move around and explore the place, but felt odd doing so without Ben's permission.
"Look Rory. I should have called and told you what happened; but then I decided against it."
He was being cryptic and Rory was beginning to get scared. Did something terrible happen to Jess when she finally got the nerve to see him? What if she never got this chance again? Trying to keep her voice calm she inquired, "What do you mean?"
Ben smiled inwardly seeing her reaction. He had purposely left his comment vague so that he could judge how she would react; and to his surprise, he liked how she panicked when it seemed like he was trying to tell her that Jess was hurt. "He got called late last night to cover a story in Canada. I didn't know about it until I got home and he left early this morning, but by the time I found out it was too late to call you. But then I got to thinking…look, I know this is really hard and even though I can see you're trying to look unfazed, I bet you're a mess inside. So, I was thinking that you could see how Jess was living and that maybe it'd take the edge off a little when you actually see him again. I don't know…was this totally a bad idea? Should I have called you instead?"
She inwardly sighed with relief. Why was she feeling so grateful that she didn't get the chance to do what she needed to do? "No, no. Really, I think this way is better. Well, it's easier for me anyways. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I didn't have anything planned out to say for tonight, except for 'oh you've got a dog and you're traveling, huh?" She nervously chuckled at herself and Ben offered her a sympathetic smile. "Um…Ben, do you think I could have a look around? Could I just have a couple minutes to myself?"
"Yeah, sure no problem. I'll be in my room if you need me." He nodded his head and she was grateful for his acceptance. She really needed this time to herself. She began to walk over to the larger room, figuring that it would be his room and she stopped. The question that had been burning in her ever since she stepped through the door was itching to get out. "Ben?"
He also stopped and turned around when she called his name. He didn't ask her anything but he patiently waited for her question. Ben could see her chewing her bottom lip and neurotically tucking her hair behind her ears. He would almost laugh at the sight, if the situation wasn't so serious. She gathered up her courage and finally spoke up. "Do you…do you think that he hates me?"
Rory didn't have the nerve to look at his face when she asked. What was she hoping to hear? That everything was alright; that even though she had put Jess through perpetual hell that he still loved her and forgotten about it all? What right did she even have to stand in his apartment without his knowledge? She had nothing; she was bare and Rory was taking an extremely blind leap by even asking that.
Ben narrowed his eyes and stared at Rory as a couple of tears spilled over her rosy cheeks. She really was beautiful and lately he had forgotten why Jess had fallen for her in the first place; but one glance at her, and it came crashing back to him. But that question…he didn't know how to answer. He honestly didn't know but he kinda had a feeling about it. "I'm not sure Rory."
The tears now rolled down her face as they constantly fell and gathered at her feet. Her chin was down and she nodded her head without looking up at Ben. It was just too hard. "Okay. Yeah…I just…I don't know what I…never mind." She backed up and brushed her eyes with her fingertips in an effort to wipe away the tears, but they fell faster as she tried to calm down. With her hope diminished, she paused to put her emotions back together when Ben interrupted her actions.
"I think he loves you too much to hate you."
He caught her by surprise and she backed away from the door once again to look at his face. "What?"
Ben ignored her questioned and stated one last fact. "But I don't know if love is enough for Jess anymore. He's gotten over it…he's realized that he needs more than just that."
Nodding her head in a silent acceptance, she stopped to stare at the white door that was blinding her with its oppressive color. It was pure, clean, simple…it's what she wanted for herself, but being so close to the presence of Jess's room, she no longer wanted that simple life she dreamed of. Complicated was what she was used to, so with a cleansing breath she twisted the silver door knob.
AN: Leave a note…I'd appreciate it.