The Question of Inevitability
Author: Knowhere
Chapter 7: Blank
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Nothing
AN: Thanks for reading as usual…and in the next couple of chapters, the truth will be revealed. So look out for it, I'm thinking about three more chapters and then I'll close it. I've got some ideas for some new stories and I'm excited about starting those. But as always, enjoy.
By the way—thanks Tiff, it was gratifying to hear that those 'plops' as you called them fell so steadily as you beta-ed this. Lol.
Summary: Rory left in search of an answer to the question that she didn't know how to ask. Now five years later she comes back to the city where she abruptly ended her life with Jess. Does he have the ability to forgive her? Literati/Au/Future Fic
The room had a clean scent…like detergent and dryer sheets. In her opinion it was too simple for someone that had such a complicated life. But maybe that was the point of the room—to be the opposite of life; to mirror what he had always wanted. The carpet was soft and thick under her shoes and she bent down to slip off her sneakers so she could feel it in between her toes. She could imagine him sitting on the edge of his bed after a long day and remove his shoes to feel the same carpet under his feet. Still at the threshold of the room, she glanced around to take in the sight of his life without her. This was his room; his life and all his current memories are stored in various places in the room. The bed wasn't made and it was a nice contrast to the neatness of the rest of the home. The comforter was lifted in one corner were he apparently got out of bed and the two pillows at the head of the bed were rumpled and definitely out of place. The mattress was covered in the typical bachelor-navy blue and the only items on the bedside table were a sliver digital alarm clock and a small lamp. She was tempted to look in the bedside drawer, but felt she was already intruding enough just being in the room. So she left it alone and headed to the adjoining bathroom. The bathroom wasn't out of the ordinary, just what anyone would expect in any bath. There was a toothbrush, a bottle of gel, cologne, aftershave, and an electric razor. But to her, everything was interesting. Every item was new and never before seen by her eyes; it pained her in a way because she could find nothing that belonged from their life together. Gently fingering every piece of equipment including the towels that hung on the rack, she turned off the light and went back into the room without disturbing anything else.
The closet was all that she had left to look in. She debated on whether or not to slide it open because closets were so personal; however she realized that this might be the only chance she had left to see him so she took a deep breath and opened it to her view. Organized chaos would be the best term for his closet; his dress shirts hung next to his concert tee-shirts and his leather jacket and winter coats lived along side his various sweatshirts. She smiled as she recognized most of the tee-shirts, jeans, and sweatshirts. She recognized a familiar black zip-up hoodie and she touched the fabric to find it still soft under her fingers. Surprised to still find it in his closet she drew the sweatshirt closer to her and inhaled. It was a mistake because it brought back all the memories…but at that moment, it wasn't a mistake anymore. She welcomed the memories and even treasured the wash of pain. This was the closest she had been to him in a long time and she just stood still with the jacket in her hands. Leaning to rest her forehead on the sliding closet door she whispered, "God, I miss this."
And that was it. She closed the closet, backed out and left the room. Nothing was out of place but her life was in direct contrast to that stark orderliness of his room. With no more words or actions, she left the apartment with a silent nod to Ben and went home to think about what she planned to do in the coming week.
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The metal on his small duffel bag landed with a clatter on the flooring and he trudged to the couch and just fell upon it. For the entire trip he had an odd burst of insomnia and was unable to sleep for the entire weekend; he was exhausted but still he couldn't fall asleep. His eyes were wide open but he was dead tired inside. He ran his hands through his hair, thankful that the hotel's showers worked this time, and fingered the stubble that began to grow on his chin. He knew he needed to shave, but for now he liked that five o'clock shadow look…it made him feel older, experienced, and weathered. Leaning back on the cushions, he tried to close his eyes for just one second but he heard the key turning in the lock as well as a muffled conversation.
"Hold on a second…geez, it's like you've never eaten before." Jess could hear Ben's distinct voice through the door and he smiled thinking about how Oliver could never seem to get his full on food. It reminded him of someone else, but before he could delve any further into that, the door swung open and Oliver charged straight at him.
He happily pawed at his owner and Jess chuckled and ruffled his ears. "Missed me? Yeah, I know Ben's not as fun as I am, huh?" Jess talked as if Oliver could answer him and he laughed as his pet licked his face in happiness.
Jess then turned his attention away from his dog to question Ben, "Hey man, how's it going?"
Ben shrugged his shoulders in reply and turned away from Jess's curious eyes. Ben just couldn't look straight at him; he felt as if he had betrayed Jess by seeing Rory and his emotions were jumbled as he tried to decide on his next move.
Jess walked up to the kitchen counter and leaned back on his forearms. "You okay, Ben?"
Finally turning around and taking in the sight of Jess he knew what he needed to do. This was his best friend in front of him and no matter what Jess chooses to do—he knew he had to tell him something. Running his hands over his face and rubbing his eyes he replied, "I don't know."
"Okay." Jess could tell that Ben didn't want to talk about whatever was bothering him so he left and returned to his position on the couch. It was the way that their friendship worked; it was the key element that kept them so close—both men understood to back off when needed and to push at the right time. And Jess could tell that this was the moment to back off.
Just as Jess reaches for the remote to turn on the television, Ben appeared in front of him. He stood awkwardly and fidgeted with his hands. "Why are you so nervous?" Jess was starting to get worried because Ben was always calm and collected, so whatever the issue was, it must be big.
"Um okay, first of all I know I'm like breaking the cardinal rule of our friendship by bringing this up, but keep in mind that I have a reason for all of this, okay?"
"What is it that you want to talk about? You can say anything."
Ben didn't know what to expect and he wanted to close his eyes to not watch Jess's reaction, but he couldn't help but wonder. "Okay then…I wanna talk about Rory."
In less than a split second Jess's eyes went blank and he sat back on the couch to lean on the cushions. He turned away and tried to focus on something else but all he could do was mutter, "Except for that…" His eyes then turned glassy and then Ben sat next to him and all he could do was to stare at his shoes.
"Jess, I know it's an extremely sensitive subject and we haven't so much as brought up her name for the last five years, but I need to know something about her." Ben tried to sound supportive without being cryptic as to his reasons behind his questioning because he didn't want Jess to ask his motives until he had his answers.
"Yeah…but you know why I don't want to say anything."
"I know she broke your heart but I need you to answer my question." Ben expected Jess to deny the heart-breaking comment, but instead he was answered with silence.
Jess was fully prepared to run when he heard Ben utter her name, but something kept him rooted to the ground. He looked away at Ben's last sentence and just licked his dry lips. "What can I say? I doubt I can answer any questions…"
"All I need to know is how you feel about her." There he said it; now it just depended on Jess's answer.
After five minutes Jess still sat in silence and Ben was beginning to regret his actions. He was hurting his friend with the questioning and he felt guilty for bringing it up. Still in silence, Jess got up and walked to the window where he just looked out with a distant look in his eyes. "Numb. That's how I feel." He nodded his head in agreement with his own statement.
"That's it?"
"You know better than anyone that I was crazy about her…if she asked me to join the circus or a boy-band you know that back then I would have done it just because she asked. But the operative word in that sentence is 'was'…past tense. After all this time of thinking and wondering…I don't feel anything anymore. Numb…that is the best word…just nothing."
"No anger, hate, or rage? Passion, love, rapture? God, don't you feel anything?!" Jess's answers were too ambiguous and Ben couldn't decide on whether to tell Jess of Rory's appearance with an answer of 'numb.' It didn't tell him whether or not Jess would be willing to see her and that was Ben's only goal from the conversation.
Jess barely registered the outburst from Ben, and instead he just continued in a whispered tone, "Anger? Yes, probably at myself for letting her get away. Hate? Well, I don't think I could ever hate her no matter how hard I try. Rage? I don't even now what went wrong…and I don't have the urge to go out and beat someone up if that's what you mean. Passion? I've never been passionate about anything in my life except for her. Love? In my memories, yes…but can people stay in love after not seeing each other for such a long time? I don't think it's possible anymore. Rapture? There are nights were I'd give anything just to touch her again. But then after that, I come to my senses and realize that I'm going insane. So that's it…"
Ben was practically speechless. He had never before heard Jess express himself in such a way that made him physically hurt for his friend. His emotions were so strongly expressed in his words that Ben didn't quite know how to respond. "Jess…I never knew…" He drifted off and wished that Jess would say something in response to his lack of cohesion.
"Yeah….well, I just didn't want to bother you with my problems at first because I felt like such a damn fool for falling so hard. And then after a while, I just got used to not talking about it so much that it was not an issue I would bring up." He chuckled nervously and it was utterly composed with a lack of humor. His laughter was dry and coarse…Jess's bitter attempt of making the situation lighter.
"I didn't know that's how you felt. I just always assumed that you didn't want to talk about it because it hurt. You would never be bothering me with talking about it…I've always wanted to help you and I thought that the best way to help was to not talk about what you were going through."
Jess sadly nodded his head in reply but held no blame for his friend. In a way, he had wanted Ben to misunderstand his silence so he could avoid the topic without saying the words aloud.
"I'm sorry Jess. But I'm here now. I know we don't do the 'heart to heart' thing often…if even at all, but it's never too late to start, you know?"
Jess nodded again and sank to the floor. It was hard, cold, and uninviting but it felt like the most comfortable place in the world to him at that exact moment. He buried his face into his hands and wondered aloud, "God, when did my life become such a fucking soap opera? How could I have screwed it up so much? She was the best thing in my life and it ended so disastrously…the worst thing about the whole situation is that I don't even know when it turned so shitty."
"Jess, have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't your fault?" He tried to be supportive. He was going to let Jess take the conversation wherever he wanted it to go and then tell him the truth behind everything.
Jess answered shortly and quickly, "No, because it's easier to just blame myself."
"Do you ever think about how things would be if she never left?"
"Yeah I do."
"What do you think about?" Jess was being evasive with him and Ben sensed that there was more to the story.
"I would have married her." He hung his head, preparing himself for the onslaught of emotions that rushed through his blood stream.
"What?" Ben couldn't believe his ears…the one guy that seemed to be forever locked in the confines of bachelorhood just admitted that he thinks about marriage was unbelievable.
"I was going to marry her. That's right, Jess Mariano, the ultimate loner was actually seriously considering marriage…I thought about it so much that I even bought a ring." The tone in his voice was so cynical that it even scared Ben to hear it.
Then without warning, Jess got up and retreated back into his bedroom. Just when Ben thought that the conversation was over, the door swung open and Jess walked back with a plastic tub. It was transparent and Ben could identify clothing, letters, and other paraphernalia that obviously belonged to Rory. Jess sat back down next to Ben to rummage through the box, and when he brandished a small velvet black box, he handed it to Ben. It opened with a slight creak and it revealed a thick silver band with a few small diamonds encased inside. Then Ben closed the box back up again and set it down on the coffee table to examine the rest of the contents. He ran his fingers along sweatshirts and concert tee-shirts along with letters that he didn't dare look at because he knew that they were so private, but in the end his hands wrapped around the little ring box once again. "How come you never asked her?"
Jess didn't look at Ben; instead he stared at the black t.v screen. "It was just never the right timing…at first, I felt that we were too young to commit to something like that…and then later, I just couldn't bring myself to live with the disappointment if she had said no."
Ben whispered softly, "Oh."
Right after Ben's response, Jess questioned just as softly in his throaty voice, "Why did she leave? We were doing so well; there were no signs of trouble until that night. Was I not good enough for her? I mean, I was never good enough for her in my standards but she always felt that we were equals. Do you think I was a bad boyfriend?"
"No Jess, I don't think you did anything wrong."
"Yeah well…I guess we'll never know."
"Jess…I haven't exactly been really honest with you. There's a reason I asked about her tonight."
He turned his head and glanced at Ben with wide eyes. "What are you saying?"
"I ran into her the other day in a coffee shop and we talked for a while. One thing led to another and all of the sudden I was telling her how she owed you a reason why; she was reluctant at first but then she called me up at work, saying that she wanted a second chance, or at least a chance to redeem herself. And then she showed up at the apartment but you had left for Canada and I didn't have the time to tell her not to come. So she came, she saw the apartment and she left."
"Huh." Jess was in shock. Was there anything he could say?
"She wants to tell you why she left."
"Okay." With one last look at the plastic tub, Jess got up and headed for his room. There was nothing left to say and he was too emotionally drained to respond. "How did she look? Was she okay?" His tone was child-like and it was heavily filled with emotion…the thickness that Jess couldn't escape whenever he felt that familiar rush of longing.
"Terrible…she seemed about as okay as you feel right now."
That damn hope was stirring in Jess again and he felt angry at himself for even thinking about seeing her again. But then again…he wanted to know why. His life was changing by the second and he didn't know if he had the courage to take a step back when it took him the entire five years to take one small step forward. He was finally beginning to feel like he was making progress in starting his life over again and he had nothing left in him to take that painful journey again. But he knew there was a reason to all of this…there was a reason that Ben ran into her in the city…and Jess was determined to find out that reason.
AN: Okay, it turned out a little different than I originally planned for it to look like, but I'm pretty pleased with this chapter…tell me what you think—I'd love to hear from you.