Witches and Wizards Today
Episode #1
The fire blazes to life and the form of a large man with light blue skin appears in the dancing flames. He wears a sparkling green suit, bright red tie and an ear-to-ear grin.
Host Solmyr: He stands there with a wide grin on his face, but doesn't say anything for awhile.
Background voice: "You're on! Say something!"
Solmyr: "Oh, sorry, sorry." He grins at someone hidden in the darkness, then looks back out to the audience. "Hello, hello! Welcome to the first show of Witches and Wizards Today! We have a special treat for our watchers. We're going to have the one, the only, the fabulous Headmaster Dumbledore on our show!"
Applause and cheers can be heard off stage.
Solmyr: He waves a hand, grins and nods. "Yes, yes, exciting isn't it?" He looks off stage for a moment and nods again whispering. "Well you didn't make those so-called cue cards very clear." He chuckles and returns his attention ahead of him. "And now without further pause, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore!"
More claps and hoots of excitement are heard as another man appears. This one is tall and thin with a long silver beard and hair. His sweeping robes are dark maroon. As he turns to look at Solmyr, his face reveals glittering blue eyes behind half-moon spectacles which are set on the bridge of a long, crooked nose. He extends a slender hand and smiles cheerfully.
Solmyr: He shakes Dumbledore's hand, then claps him on the shoulder, almost sending the ancient man off his feet. "Welcome to the show, Headmaster Dumbl..."
Dumbledore: When he regains his balance, he raises his free hand and shakes his head slowly. "No need for such formality, Solmyr. Please, just call me Albus. And thank you for having me on your show as the first guest."
Solmyr: "You're most welcome. Come, come and have a seat on the guest couch."
The scene changes to a spot farther back on the stage and a hideous couch with a loud Hawaiian shirt pattern. The base colour is a bright red, the large flowers are banana yellow and the smaller flowers are sparkling mint green. It's large and looks rather comfy, but that doesn't change the nearly blinding colours of the thing. The two men approach the couch and the smaller one smiles cheerfully again.
Dumbledore: "What remarkable taste you have, Solmyr. You must tell me where you found this furniture." He smooths out his robes and sinks into the couch cushions.
Solmyr: He nods and grins, sitting down on his Host chair. "Of course! Frankly I was amazed to find it! Someone had it sitting outside, and when I asked how much they wanted for it, they gave me an odd look and said I could just take it! Can you believe it? They really seemed to want to get rid of a perfectly good couch!"
Someone off stage clears their throat loudly.
Solmyr: He glances off stage, nods and chuckles. "Right, right, the show." He turns back to Dumbledore. "I'm getting the impression my director wants me to get on with the interview, but I think it's time for a commercial break." He looks out at the audience again and grins broadly. "We'll be right back after a few messages from our sponsors, or some such thing."
A short, jazzy tune is heard playing as the fire transforms into a commercial.
****
A pudgy little witch appears with a forced smile.
PLW: "Feeling bloated like a balloon and wish you could float away? Does your broom protest and try to escape every time you attempt to mount it? Not as fast on a Quidditch Pitch as you used to be? There is a solution! Find relief in Herbal Magics. This remarkable new product, created by top Herbologists of the Wizarding World, can help make those extra pounds disappear!" She takes one of the small, green pills from the bottle, casts a mildly displeased look to someone on the side, then reluctantly swallows the pill. A puff of smoke surrounds her figure and when it clears the little witch is still standing there, coughing, but is now remarkably thin. She looks down at herself, blinks and speaks disbelievingly. "By Merlin, it worked. It actually worked! I don't believe it!"
A close up of the bottle of Herbal Magics appears.
Narrator: "Now that you've seen our product in action, buy yourself a bottle today! Only 10 galleons! This is a limited time offer, so don't delay!"
Small disclaimer beneath the bottle reads: 'Bottle size may vary.'
PLW: Her voice can still be heard in the background as the narrator speaks. "I can't believe that silly little product actually worked!" There's an eery pause. "Wait a minute, what are these purple dot.?"
The commercial is abruptly cut off.
****
There's a flash of light from the corner of the fireplace where a Snitch appears and flutters in place for a moment. The Snitch zips out of sight and this time a large scarlet blur zooms by.
Announcer: "It's the event of the season. Will you be there?"
This time a green blur zooms by, then two Quidditch team crests appear side by side.
Announcer: "The Irish National and Bulgarian National side by side in a competition the likes you've never seen."
The two crests move toward each other. When they come in forceful contact, there's a minor explosion of yellow and gold sparks. In its place a golden cup appears.
Announcer: "Buy your tickets today at your Quality Quidditch store before they get away."
The cup fades and the Bulgarian team member Victor Krum and the Irish member Lynch are both holding the golden Snitch between them. They look at each other, narrow their eyes for a moment, then look back at the viewers and smile again.
The two players in unison: "See you in the skies!"
****
The scene changes back to the original show. Dumbledore is lounging on the blinding, ugly couch, Solmyr is sitting in his chair grinning and the unseen band plays a brief song.
Solmyr: "Welcome back! My those commercials certainly take up a lot of time." He chuckles and looks off stage again.
A woman appears on the stage walking toward the two men with a tray in one hand and shielding her eyes slightly with the other due to the bright colours of the couch.
Solmyr: With a snap of his fingers, he summons up an inflatable, plastic chair for the woman to sit on. "There you are, m'dear." He grins up at her, then mumbles something under his breath to her. "Have a seat, you'll be here a little while."
The woman smiles faintly and takes a seat. She looks to Dumbledore, nods her head then turns to Solmyr so she doesn't have to look at the bright couch. Unfortunately for her, Solmyr's suit is almost as bright. She smooths out her skirt and frilly apron then rests the tray on her lap since the two men didn't want her to leave yet. She runs one hand through her medium length brown curls and sighs slightly hoping she won't go blind.
Solmyr: He chuckles, takes a sweet from the tray and pops it in his mouth. "This is our wonderful, and beautiful..." He winks at the woman from the corner of his eye. "...cook, Sulia! She'll be supplying all the goodies for our guests, and myself, of course." He chuckles again.
Sulia: She smiles a little and waves. She looks at Solmyr again, then glances away since he's too blindingly colourful and notices she can only look at her lap or the jazz band. So she watches the jazz band and the band master contentedly instead.
Dumbledore: He eyes the tray with sparkling blue eyes as he tries to decide which sweet he wants to start with.
Solmyr: Through a mouthful of chocolate, he manages to mutter something. "Albus, old boy, how long have you been the Headmaster of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry now? And would you say it's a tiresome or monotonous job having to keep everything in order?"
Dumbledore: After finally selecting a nice truffle to eat, he answers with a warm smile. "Let me see, I think I've been the Headmaster for about, oh say, 20 years now." He chuckles gleefully. "I still enjoy the work as much as I always have. The students and Professors are delightful to work with and speak to. Though, like everything, there can be a few...difficulties, it's nothing that can't be overcome."
Solmyr: He swipes another candy from Sulia's tray. "Are there any particular events that stand out in your mind?"
Dumbledore: "Well...for a while Slytherin had the cup and that wasn't very good for the morale of the other houses." He wrinkles his nose. "It makes a rather stagnant environment when only one house keeps winning. You need a little variety to keep things competitive and fun."
Solmyr: "Wasn't there a little trouble with the basilisk, Philosopher's Stone, a certain prisoner of Azkaban, and so on?"
Dumbledore: "Oh pshaw. Things were taken care of in due time with the help of the talented staff and young Mr. Potter. It's not like those problems went on for seven years or so."
Solmyr: He chuckles and nods. "I quite agree, quite agree." He pauses a moment. "Now, let's see, what was the next question?"
Director: From somewhere off stage he clears his throat again.
Solmyr: He looks over at the director curiously, then sighs and looks at the viewers. "I'm told it's time for another commercial break. Don't worry, we'll be right back."
Again the jazz band strikes up a short chorus.
****
Words appear in the flames that read: Mystical Travels R Us.
Misty background voice: "I foresee a trip to far away places. My crystal shows me you will thoroughly enjoy your next vacation if you book with Mystical Travels R Us Travel Agency."
A small, globe shaped ball appears, and as it turns a message can be seen written on it. 'Mystical Travels R Us: Your Portkey to the World'
****
Announcer: "There's a world of candy here at Honeydukes. We have all kinds of flavours and treats."
Chocolate frogs, canary creams, sugar quills and fizzing whizzbees bounce around in the fire.
Announcer: "We have everything you could want and more. Honeydukes sweet shop, located in Hogsmeade, come see us for all your sweet tooth needs!"
****
And again the scenario transforms to the Witches and Wizards Today show with the band playing a little melody. A close up of Solmyr's face appears as he licks his lips.
Solmyr: "Mmm, perhaps after the show I'll pay Honeydukes a visit." He glances sidelong at Sulia and his cheeks turn a light purple.
Sulia: She raises an eyebrow and smirks at Solmyr. "I can make anything they advertise." She laughs a bit to herself and nibbles on one of her candies.
As though a Muggle camera was turning, the view shifts to a young man of about 17 years with blue hair and a couple of piercings. He smacks his lips together and nods at Sulia's statement. He can just barely be heard mumbling. "That's right. She can make all those sweets and more." He notices that he's now the focus of attention and frowns, then nods curtly to the stage. Suddenly the scene changes back to focus on Solmyr, Sulia and Dumbledore again.
Solmyr: "In that case we have our own personal Honeydukes." He chuckles.
Sulia: Her smile softens and she once again turns her head to look back at the jazz band. She nibbles on another candy and lets Solmyr continue with the interview.
Dumbledore: He watches everything with an amused expression on his face as he helps himself to more of the little goodies on Sulia's tray.
Solmyr: He grins broadly and glances at the band off to the right side of the stage. He shakes his head, chuckles again and turns his yellow eyes to Dumbledore once more. "Now, what's your opinion of how the Ministry of Magic runs things? Do you believe their policies are sound ones? Or do you think there might be a crack in the pot running everything?"
Director: "That's crackpot! Not crack in the pot!"
Solmyr: He blinks and quickly tries to correct himself. "Right, a crackpot running everything."
Dumbledore: He chuckles merrily and places his hands on his knees. "Ah, you must be referring to Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic." He continues to grin. "I believe he is doing a fine job, though I don't agree with everything he's done. In a way I'm pleased that he owls me for advice. At least he isn't afraid to show he needs help on occasion."
Audience member: "On occasion? More like constant basis!"
Dumbledore: He clears his throat and chuckles again. "Yes, well, it's quite a burden being the Minister of Magic, I can imagine."
Solmyr: He looks in the direction of the director and nods. "Well it seems our time is almost done, so I'll ask one more question. If you could have one wish, what would it be?"
Dumbledore: "The easiest question you've asked thus far, Solmyr. I'd have to say I'd wish for more socks. As I've said before, one can never have too many socks, and I believe some of the house elves have been stealing mine." He laughs.
Solmyr: He chuckles and stands up, then offers a hand to Dumbledore. "It was great having you on our show today, Albus. I hope you'll visit us again soon."
Dumbledore: He rises to his feet and shakes hands with the very large, blue skinned Host. "It was a delight being here, Solmyr." He grins, takes a couple more sweets and slowly makes his way off the stage.
Solmyr: He turns to the audience. "That's all the time we have for today, but I hope you'll join us for an even more exciting installment next time." He nods and waves to the viewers with an ear-to-ear grin.
A few final notes are played by the band in the background as the ending of the show. The lights dim, but figures can still be seen in the fire.
Solmyr: He turns to Sulia. "Do you think that went well for our first show?"
Sulia: She stands up setting the tray on her seat. "I think it went quite well." She bites her lip. "I'm still unsure about the couch. When the spotlights were on you and the couch, I thought I was going to be blinded."
Solmyr: "Tut, tut. Nonsense. You're just not used to it yet, that's all. You'll be fine in a couple days." He chuckles and pats her shoulders.
A few background noises can be heard as the crew is apparently getting ready to leave for the night.
Sulia: She closes her eyes, shakes her head and walks off mumbling a bit to herself.
A loud crash echoes through the room as the young blue haired man runs onto the stage and makes a cutting motion with his hand. "This means cut! In other words, stop showing and go home!"
Solmyr: "What seems to be the trouble, Aaron?"
Aaron: "This dunderhead is still showing us in the fir."
The fire goes black and dies.
Episode #1
The fire blazes to life and the form of a large man with light blue skin appears in the dancing flames. He wears a sparkling green suit, bright red tie and an ear-to-ear grin.
Host Solmyr: He stands there with a wide grin on his face, but doesn't say anything for awhile.
Background voice: "You're on! Say something!"
Solmyr: "Oh, sorry, sorry." He grins at someone hidden in the darkness, then looks back out to the audience. "Hello, hello! Welcome to the first show of Witches and Wizards Today! We have a special treat for our watchers. We're going to have the one, the only, the fabulous Headmaster Dumbledore on our show!"
Applause and cheers can be heard off stage.
Solmyr: He waves a hand, grins and nods. "Yes, yes, exciting isn't it?" He looks off stage for a moment and nods again whispering. "Well you didn't make those so-called cue cards very clear." He chuckles and returns his attention ahead of him. "And now without further pause, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore!"
More claps and hoots of excitement are heard as another man appears. This one is tall and thin with a long silver beard and hair. His sweeping robes are dark maroon. As he turns to look at Solmyr, his face reveals glittering blue eyes behind half-moon spectacles which are set on the bridge of a long, crooked nose. He extends a slender hand and smiles cheerfully.
Solmyr: He shakes Dumbledore's hand, then claps him on the shoulder, almost sending the ancient man off his feet. "Welcome to the show, Headmaster Dumbl..."
Dumbledore: When he regains his balance, he raises his free hand and shakes his head slowly. "No need for such formality, Solmyr. Please, just call me Albus. And thank you for having me on your show as the first guest."
Solmyr: "You're most welcome. Come, come and have a seat on the guest couch."
The scene changes to a spot farther back on the stage and a hideous couch with a loud Hawaiian shirt pattern. The base colour is a bright red, the large flowers are banana yellow and the smaller flowers are sparkling mint green. It's large and looks rather comfy, but that doesn't change the nearly blinding colours of the thing. The two men approach the couch and the smaller one smiles cheerfully again.
Dumbledore: "What remarkable taste you have, Solmyr. You must tell me where you found this furniture." He smooths out his robes and sinks into the couch cushions.
Solmyr: He nods and grins, sitting down on his Host chair. "Of course! Frankly I was amazed to find it! Someone had it sitting outside, and when I asked how much they wanted for it, they gave me an odd look and said I could just take it! Can you believe it? They really seemed to want to get rid of a perfectly good couch!"
Someone off stage clears their throat loudly.
Solmyr: He glances off stage, nods and chuckles. "Right, right, the show." He turns back to Dumbledore. "I'm getting the impression my director wants me to get on with the interview, but I think it's time for a commercial break." He looks out at the audience again and grins broadly. "We'll be right back after a few messages from our sponsors, or some such thing."
A short, jazzy tune is heard playing as the fire transforms into a commercial.
****
A pudgy little witch appears with a forced smile.
PLW: "Feeling bloated like a balloon and wish you could float away? Does your broom protest and try to escape every time you attempt to mount it? Not as fast on a Quidditch Pitch as you used to be? There is a solution! Find relief in Herbal Magics. This remarkable new product, created by top Herbologists of the Wizarding World, can help make those extra pounds disappear!" She takes one of the small, green pills from the bottle, casts a mildly displeased look to someone on the side, then reluctantly swallows the pill. A puff of smoke surrounds her figure and when it clears the little witch is still standing there, coughing, but is now remarkably thin. She looks down at herself, blinks and speaks disbelievingly. "By Merlin, it worked. It actually worked! I don't believe it!"
A close up of the bottle of Herbal Magics appears.
Narrator: "Now that you've seen our product in action, buy yourself a bottle today! Only 10 galleons! This is a limited time offer, so don't delay!"
Small disclaimer beneath the bottle reads: 'Bottle size may vary.'
PLW: Her voice can still be heard in the background as the narrator speaks. "I can't believe that silly little product actually worked!" There's an eery pause. "Wait a minute, what are these purple dot.?"
The commercial is abruptly cut off.
****
There's a flash of light from the corner of the fireplace where a Snitch appears and flutters in place for a moment. The Snitch zips out of sight and this time a large scarlet blur zooms by.
Announcer: "It's the event of the season. Will you be there?"
This time a green blur zooms by, then two Quidditch team crests appear side by side.
Announcer: "The Irish National and Bulgarian National side by side in a competition the likes you've never seen."
The two crests move toward each other. When they come in forceful contact, there's a minor explosion of yellow and gold sparks. In its place a golden cup appears.
Announcer: "Buy your tickets today at your Quality Quidditch store before they get away."
The cup fades and the Bulgarian team member Victor Krum and the Irish member Lynch are both holding the golden Snitch between them. They look at each other, narrow their eyes for a moment, then look back at the viewers and smile again.
The two players in unison: "See you in the skies!"
****
The scene changes back to the original show. Dumbledore is lounging on the blinding, ugly couch, Solmyr is sitting in his chair grinning and the unseen band plays a brief song.
Solmyr: "Welcome back! My those commercials certainly take up a lot of time." He chuckles and looks off stage again.
A woman appears on the stage walking toward the two men with a tray in one hand and shielding her eyes slightly with the other due to the bright colours of the couch.
Solmyr: With a snap of his fingers, he summons up an inflatable, plastic chair for the woman to sit on. "There you are, m'dear." He grins up at her, then mumbles something under his breath to her. "Have a seat, you'll be here a little while."
The woman smiles faintly and takes a seat. She looks to Dumbledore, nods her head then turns to Solmyr so she doesn't have to look at the bright couch. Unfortunately for her, Solmyr's suit is almost as bright. She smooths out her skirt and frilly apron then rests the tray on her lap since the two men didn't want her to leave yet. She runs one hand through her medium length brown curls and sighs slightly hoping she won't go blind.
Solmyr: He chuckles, takes a sweet from the tray and pops it in his mouth. "This is our wonderful, and beautiful..." He winks at the woman from the corner of his eye. "...cook, Sulia! She'll be supplying all the goodies for our guests, and myself, of course." He chuckles again.
Sulia: She smiles a little and waves. She looks at Solmyr again, then glances away since he's too blindingly colourful and notices she can only look at her lap or the jazz band. So she watches the jazz band and the band master contentedly instead.
Dumbledore: He eyes the tray with sparkling blue eyes as he tries to decide which sweet he wants to start with.
Solmyr: Through a mouthful of chocolate, he manages to mutter something. "Albus, old boy, how long have you been the Headmaster of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry now? And would you say it's a tiresome or monotonous job having to keep everything in order?"
Dumbledore: After finally selecting a nice truffle to eat, he answers with a warm smile. "Let me see, I think I've been the Headmaster for about, oh say, 20 years now." He chuckles gleefully. "I still enjoy the work as much as I always have. The students and Professors are delightful to work with and speak to. Though, like everything, there can be a few...difficulties, it's nothing that can't be overcome."
Solmyr: He swipes another candy from Sulia's tray. "Are there any particular events that stand out in your mind?"
Dumbledore: "Well...for a while Slytherin had the cup and that wasn't very good for the morale of the other houses." He wrinkles his nose. "It makes a rather stagnant environment when only one house keeps winning. You need a little variety to keep things competitive and fun."
Solmyr: "Wasn't there a little trouble with the basilisk, Philosopher's Stone, a certain prisoner of Azkaban, and so on?"
Dumbledore: "Oh pshaw. Things were taken care of in due time with the help of the talented staff and young Mr. Potter. It's not like those problems went on for seven years or so."
Solmyr: He chuckles and nods. "I quite agree, quite agree." He pauses a moment. "Now, let's see, what was the next question?"
Director: From somewhere off stage he clears his throat again.
Solmyr: He looks over at the director curiously, then sighs and looks at the viewers. "I'm told it's time for another commercial break. Don't worry, we'll be right back."
Again the jazz band strikes up a short chorus.
****
Words appear in the flames that read: Mystical Travels R Us.
Misty background voice: "I foresee a trip to far away places. My crystal shows me you will thoroughly enjoy your next vacation if you book with Mystical Travels R Us Travel Agency."
A small, globe shaped ball appears, and as it turns a message can be seen written on it. 'Mystical Travels R Us: Your Portkey to the World'
****
Announcer: "There's a world of candy here at Honeydukes. We have all kinds of flavours and treats."
Chocolate frogs, canary creams, sugar quills and fizzing whizzbees bounce around in the fire.
Announcer: "We have everything you could want and more. Honeydukes sweet shop, located in Hogsmeade, come see us for all your sweet tooth needs!"
****
And again the scenario transforms to the Witches and Wizards Today show with the band playing a little melody. A close up of Solmyr's face appears as he licks his lips.
Solmyr: "Mmm, perhaps after the show I'll pay Honeydukes a visit." He glances sidelong at Sulia and his cheeks turn a light purple.
Sulia: She raises an eyebrow and smirks at Solmyr. "I can make anything they advertise." She laughs a bit to herself and nibbles on one of her candies.
As though a Muggle camera was turning, the view shifts to a young man of about 17 years with blue hair and a couple of piercings. He smacks his lips together and nods at Sulia's statement. He can just barely be heard mumbling. "That's right. She can make all those sweets and more." He notices that he's now the focus of attention and frowns, then nods curtly to the stage. Suddenly the scene changes back to focus on Solmyr, Sulia and Dumbledore again.
Solmyr: "In that case we have our own personal Honeydukes." He chuckles.
Sulia: Her smile softens and she once again turns her head to look back at the jazz band. She nibbles on another candy and lets Solmyr continue with the interview.
Dumbledore: He watches everything with an amused expression on his face as he helps himself to more of the little goodies on Sulia's tray.
Solmyr: He grins broadly and glances at the band off to the right side of the stage. He shakes his head, chuckles again and turns his yellow eyes to Dumbledore once more. "Now, what's your opinion of how the Ministry of Magic runs things? Do you believe their policies are sound ones? Or do you think there might be a crack in the pot running everything?"
Director: "That's crackpot! Not crack in the pot!"
Solmyr: He blinks and quickly tries to correct himself. "Right, a crackpot running everything."
Dumbledore: He chuckles merrily and places his hands on his knees. "Ah, you must be referring to Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic." He continues to grin. "I believe he is doing a fine job, though I don't agree with everything he's done. In a way I'm pleased that he owls me for advice. At least he isn't afraid to show he needs help on occasion."
Audience member: "On occasion? More like constant basis!"
Dumbledore: He clears his throat and chuckles again. "Yes, well, it's quite a burden being the Minister of Magic, I can imagine."
Solmyr: He looks in the direction of the director and nods. "Well it seems our time is almost done, so I'll ask one more question. If you could have one wish, what would it be?"
Dumbledore: "The easiest question you've asked thus far, Solmyr. I'd have to say I'd wish for more socks. As I've said before, one can never have too many socks, and I believe some of the house elves have been stealing mine." He laughs.
Solmyr: He chuckles and stands up, then offers a hand to Dumbledore. "It was great having you on our show today, Albus. I hope you'll visit us again soon."
Dumbledore: He rises to his feet and shakes hands with the very large, blue skinned Host. "It was a delight being here, Solmyr." He grins, takes a couple more sweets and slowly makes his way off the stage.
Solmyr: He turns to the audience. "That's all the time we have for today, but I hope you'll join us for an even more exciting installment next time." He nods and waves to the viewers with an ear-to-ear grin.
A few final notes are played by the band in the background as the ending of the show. The lights dim, but figures can still be seen in the fire.
Solmyr: He turns to Sulia. "Do you think that went well for our first show?"
Sulia: She stands up setting the tray on her seat. "I think it went quite well." She bites her lip. "I'm still unsure about the couch. When the spotlights were on you and the couch, I thought I was going to be blinded."
Solmyr: "Tut, tut. Nonsense. You're just not used to it yet, that's all. You'll be fine in a couple days." He chuckles and pats her shoulders.
A few background noises can be heard as the crew is apparently getting ready to leave for the night.
Sulia: She closes her eyes, shakes her head and walks off mumbling a bit to herself.
A loud crash echoes through the room as the young blue haired man runs onto the stage and makes a cutting motion with his hand. "This means cut! In other words, stop showing and go home!"
Solmyr: "What seems to be the trouble, Aaron?"
Aaron: "This dunderhead is still showing us in the fir."
The fire goes black and dies.