Chapter 9: Tears of Desperation

A/n: Thanks for the reviews. I'm going to make this one from Sydney's POV. I hope it works OK.

Disclaimer: Alias belongs to JJ Abrams.

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I can't believe what I am seeing. There are people slamming the door shut to the ambulance, where my Michael lies on the other side. The way they carelessly give the door a shove... it makes me sick.

Maybe I am just thinking crazy thoughts now.

I'm in a slump on the ground, crying my eyes out. The tears almost blind me from watching the ambulance with flashing lights drive away slowly. Slowly? No, everything just seems to be in slow motion. I can't even hear the sirens, but I know they are ringing.

Someone picks me up off the ground and carries me to a car. The person sets me inside and I catch a glimpse of my kidnapper: Weiss. I can see the pain in his eyes as he follows the ambulance out the driveway.

What I would give to be in that ambulance with Michael. Just to see his sweet face one more time. Stop talking like that, Sydney. It's OK, just calm down. You are going to see him again, talk to him again, hold him again, kiss him again...

The tears don't stop as I lean my head against the window. I can't stop crying. Why can't I stop? He's going to be fine, right?

Right?

I know there isn't anybody else in my head, but I half expect myself to believe he's going to be just fine. And I don't think he'll live, and that scares me. Someone please, tell he he's going to live, anyone. Please!

Weiss tells me something, but anything I hear is a all a blur to me. Did he say we were almost to the hospital?

I close my eyes and try to picture how I last saw him. Dammit why was I so mad at him? How could I have hurt him only to end up like this? I wouldn't even look at him... How could I have been so stupid? Now I understand why he didn't want me to go, but I should have been the one to stop him from going.

I think the car has stopped, but I can't feel anything anyway. Weiss opened my door, but I'm too afraid to step out. If I step out of this car, that will mean I'll have to face this hell. This hell can't be reality.

I can't, I murmur. I can tell Weiss is rolling his eyes at me.

He's going to be just fine, Weiss tells me. I was shot, remember? I was just fine, and Vaughn's gonna be better. So get your ass out of the car.

I don't know how Weiss can just talk about this like nothing happened, but he is right in a way. He was shot, maybe he knows he will be fine. It's a comfort that someone thinks he is going to be fine.

... But Weiss wasn't shot as badly Vaughn was.

Anyway, Weiss is standing outside the door tapping his foot impatiently. I have to get out of the car, he says. I sigh heavily and take my feet out of the car. It's hard to stand up, but I can do it. My feet follow one shaky step after another until we reach the door.

The emergency room is hectic and noisy, but I can't really notice it. Weiss leads me to an empty chair and sets me down.

I'm going to find a doctor who knows something about Vaughn, OK? Weiss kneels down and asks me. I nod slowly for acknowledgment. He gives me a weak smile and walks away.

There are people all around me. Some are small children playing, some are young adults reading or talking, some are older people... Do any of them feel the pain I do? Would anyone here care that I am going to lose the love of my life?

Weiss better bring me some good news is all I am thinking now. If he comes back and tells me Vaughn is dead I am going to kill him. No, no, no! Vaughn isn't going to die on you.

I hope.

He just can't die on me when I was mad at him. He just can't die on me, period. I try to wipe away the tears, but they seem to flow harder. I want Weiss to come back and tell me that everything will be all right. I want Vaughn to hold me in his arms. I want him to tell me everything will be all right.

I can't take sitting here anymore not knowing anything. I stand up and walk through the crowded, busy hallway. I don't think I am supposed to be walking through here; everyone around me seems to be a doctor. But no one is stopping me, so I walk on. I look in each room, hoping and praying that he will be waiting to greet me in the next one.

I approach a busy room where there are many doctors and nurses surrounding someone and calling out medical terms that I can't understand. I here someone's voice calling to me. It's Weiss. He he tells me that I shouldn't go in that room.

Too late. I've already walked in and...

Vaughn lies on the bed – table thing with tubes poking in him at every angle and blood pouring out of him everywhere.

I want to scream, and I would, but Weiss pulls me back. There is almost as much tear drops coming from my eyes as there is blood coming from my Michael. I'm trying to run up to him; trying to let my fingers rummage through his eyes; trying to see his eyes flutter open; trying to whisper I love you' in his ear.

Dammit, Weiss, let me go, I want to say, but I can't find my voice. Weiss holds me in place until I stop squirming and a doctor comes over to us.

The doctor is talking to us, and I want to hear what he has to say, but they are wheeling Vaughn away from me, and my cries overpower his voice.

Where are they taking him? I interrupt.

he stops, surprised at my interruption. He is going to another room.



He sighs. He is going to tell me that they are taking him to the morgue. I can just feel it. Let me start from the beginning, Ms. Bristow. When he was shot, he lost a lot of blood. He was shot in several places, and it caused internal bleeding. We believe we stopped all the bleeding we could. All we can do is wait and see if he has enough blood and if his organs are intact. You may go and wait with him, if you like.

OK, so he isn't going to the morgue, thank the lord, but I don't know if I can wait with him while he dies.

What room is he going to be in? Weiss asks for me anyway. The doctor tells him, but I am too lost in thought to hear. Weiss pulls me along the hallways around nurses and gurneys and whatever else seems to be in our way.

We reach his room and Weiss says he will leave me alone. He quickly pulls a chair next to Michael for me and quietly shuts the door and leaves.

I scan Michael's body. He's hooked up to all sorts of monitors and wires and tubes. I sit down in the chair and grip his hand. It's cold, which makes me worry. If he had enough blood, his hand should be warm.

I lay my head on his chest and let more tears fall. His heartbeat seems faded and far away.

Why did this have to happen to you, Vaughn? You aren't supposed to leave me yet, I tell him. I said you were my guardian angel, but you weren't supposed to take it literally. I almost laugh. Just make me a promise: you don't die on me while I fall asleep...

* * * * * * *

I'm walking through a house. I pass the stairs to the second floor, and I pass the living room. I walk through the kitchen and there are Will and Francie talking. They both smile at me and point outside.

I push the screen door open and find myself in a huge, grassy, backyard. There are people I recognize standing nearby talking and eating, but I focus onto a man a short ways in front of me.

I run up to Vaughn and he pulls me into his arms and swings me around in the air. He gently pats my belly, which I now realize is much larger than usual. He whispers I love you into my ear, then we lay on the ground and I stare deeply into his eyes. A little boy, maybe three or four years old, runs up to us and falls into my arms. I cradle him gently and kiss the top of his head. His green eyes gaze back up at mine and I feel happy.

I feel someone brushing my shoulder, and I turn to look who it is, but no one is there. I turn back to look at Michael and the sweet little boy, but they are being pulled away from me. Suddenly I'm surrounded in darkness.

I feel the nudge at my shoulder again, and again...

Sydney wake up. My eyes open at the sound of Eric Weiss's voice. I have a terrible headache, I notice, and Michael's condition hasn't seemed to improve yet.

How long have I been in here? I ask him groggily.

A few hours.

Have the doctors told you anything about Michael yet?

Just to wait. Damn those doctors and their stupid waiting bit.

I rub my forehead. I think I had a dream, but all I can remember is feeling happy, and then feeling emptiness. I turn my head away from Weiss and look at Michael. My Michael. I take his hand into mine, and it still feels cool to touch. I lay my head back on his chest, and his heartbeat still is weak. Tears begin to well in ny eyes, but I hold them in. I have to stay together.

I, uh, brought you some coffee, says Weiss, handing a steaming cup in my direction.

My hand shakily takes hold of it. I manage to mumble back.

I don't notice it but Weiss leaves the room again. I don't know what compels me to do this, but I lift Michael's hand and let it touch the warm paper cup that holds the coffee. Maybe it will warm his hand up and make him better. Maybe it will...

a muffled groan emerged from his lips. I quickly pull the coffee cup back and set it down on a nearby table.

Michael? Michael, it's Sydney. He says nothing. His body isn't moving. Maybe I was imagining things, but then again I remember the sound he made so clearly. Come on, Vaughn, you have to come back to me.

Silence.

I sigh and take a sip of the coffee when I hear the door open behind me. A nurse walks in carrying a pile of clothes and a plastic bag.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but no one got a chance to get his things together in a bag, and it's really crazy today, so –

I'll take care of it, I say, taking Michael's clothes from the nurse. She leaves. I set his clothes next to him on the bed and stare at them in shock. Blood stains his shirt, tie, pants, coat... about everything except his socks.

Carefully I fold his shirt and jacket and place them in the bag. I pick up his pants, and something falls out of the pocket and under the bed. I sit down and lean over sideways to see what fell, and as soon as I peer underneath I freeze.

There is a little velvet box resting on its side.

I come to when I feel the blood rushing to my head and I grasp it gingerly in my fingers.

Oh, God, please don't be what I think this is, please, I whisper to no one. I close my eyes and flip open the top. I open my eyes one at a time and find a gorgeous diamond ring in the box. It's absolutely perfect. I find myself crying again. I know what Vaughn was going to do with this ring. I know that the second Sloane was in handcuffs he would have run right out of the building and proposed, I know he was going to.

Things would be going to differently right now if it weren't for Arvin Sloane. I bet that stupid rat was the one who shot him; my love; my could have been fiancé. We would have spent the day completely together, going around telling our family and friends the great news.

But why did it all have to turn out this way?

I shut the ring box and shove it back into his pocket. I put the rest of the clothes in the bag and set it on the floor. I can't think about it now; the whole thought of what could have been makes me want to throw up. I can't even look at Michael with out wanting to scream.

I stand up and walk out the door. I make my way down the hall until I find an exit outside. I push through the door and let the cool air calm my troubles, though it doesn't really help. I'm not as nauseous anymore, however. I'm surprised to see that it's starting to get dark outside. How long have I been here? But from the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I think I should go back inside.

I can't tell what the feeling is; happy or sad, scared or proud... I open the door up and run back to Michael's room. Weiss is standing in the hall looking around. When he spots me he runs up to me.

What is it? I ask.

It's Vaughn...

What, is he awake, did he die, what? I think I am beginning to shout, but Weiss doesn't seem to mind. I move my neck to the side and look into Michael's room. He isn't in there. Where is he, Weiss?

Syd, try to calm down –

Where the hell is he? Yep, I'm shouting.

His heart, it – well, I don't know what it did. But something happened and all of a sudden doctors and nurses are running all around. And then they wheel him out somewhere and you are no where to be seen.

I want to fall down in a heap on the ground again, but someone comes running towards us.

It is a nurse. Michael Vaughn was just taken back to the emergency room. His heart stopped beating. I collapse into Weiss's arms. We're trying everything we can. Please follow me.

Weiss drags me through the halls as we follow the nurse around. We reach a room and I see doctors doing chest compressions and the Clear!' thing. Oh, please come back to me Michael.

I can't stand not being with him. Weiss can no longer control me, and I run up around all the doctors and I set my head near his ear.

It's Sydney, Michael, and you are coming back to me. You aren't ready to leave me, Michael. You just can't leave me yet. I don't know if he can hear what I'm saying, or if he can even understand it. I can barely understand what I'm saying because I'm crying so hard. I see his hand resting on the bed and I grab it in mine and close my eyes. I grip it tightly and I lean forward and kiss his temple. Suddenly I feel warmth coming from his hand.

And we have a pulse, one of the doctors is saying.

I kiss Michael's head again and some of the doctors clear out of the room. I look up at a doctor who still lingers with us.

So what happens next? I ask him.

We wait some more. Damn those doctors.

I walk around some of the monitors and grab a chair. I set it next to Michael and take his one of his hands in both of mine. I kiss each of his fingers and finally hold his hand in the crook of my neck.

he groans. I see his lips move this time, so I know I wasn't hallucinating before.

New tears of desperation fall down my cheeks and I whisper, I'm here. Come on. Come back to me.

Silence.

A new feeling comes over me. It's not one of fear, but a feeling of comfort and relief. I am almost at rest knowing he said my name. I feel as though he will come back to me soon.

I just have to wait.

Come back to me Michael. I lay my head down. I'm just going to rest my eyes.

* * * * * * *

I feel a squeezing sensation in my hand and I wake up. I think I had the same dream as before. My head hurts and I feel that feeling of happiness being taken away by emptiness.

I feel the squeeze at my hand again. Then I realize the person holding my hand is Vaughn.

I stand up and push the chair back. He is squeezing my hand on and off.

his throat grumbles faintly.

Michael? Michael, I'm right here. Please, Michael, please, try to come back.

I see his eyelids open. His beautiful green eyes look up into mine.

I'm crying the hardest I've ever cried in my life. I bring my hand up and I stroke his face. You came back to me.

He smiles back at me. I wouldn't leave you, he says, but his voice is dry and still faint. I begin to kiss his face all over like a mad woman, but that is what I am at this point.

Weiss walks into the room at this point. Dude, you're awake! I'm sure he is grinning, but I can't tell. I'm too in love with Michael and I am smothering him in kisses. I didn't get any kisses when I was shot...

I lift my head momentarily. Eric, just go get a nurse, please. I catch a glimpse of the door swinging shut and I turn back to Michael, who is looking around the room, confused. My foot hits something down on the floor, and I see Michael's bag of clothes, and I remember what lies in the pocket of his pants...

Where are we? he whispers, shaking me from my quick reverie.

The hospital. Shh, don't talk. You were shot. Oh, Michael, you're alive, your alive! Are you in any pain right now?

He shakes his head. Then the nurse comes into the room with a cup of water for Michael. He doesn't yet have the energy to hold it, so I bring the water to his lips. The nurse checks on all the monitors and whatnot they have attached to my Michael and then she leaves us alone again.

I'm not in any pain as long as you're here. The cool water helped to restore his voice. I give him the only smile I've had all day through my tears of joy and begin kissing his beautiful face and hands.

I love you so much, I tell him repeatedly as I hold his head in my arms. Never leave me again, Michael. Promise me.

I promise, he swears, looking up into my eyes lovingly. Syd, why are you crying?

I laugh for the first time in a while and say, I can't help it! I hold him tightly in my arms and everything in the world seems right again.


A/n: I almost ended it when the nurse said His heart stopped beating. You all would have hated me so much! But anyway, I hope you enjoyed the happy ending to this chapter.
~Whitelighter Enchantress