Note: Parts One and Two can be found @ Spoilers for Season One's "Tin Man". For other notes, disclaimers, and warnings, see part zero. ^_^
Big thanks go to Darcy, Ali and one's_pleasure.
Feedback is vastly appreciated and shall cause me to jump up and down with joy.
Love,
Meredith
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Or Else No Flesh Should Live 3/?
by Meredith Bronwen Mallory
mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
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"Seen Teal'c?" Jack asked as he eased himself back on the bench, his shadow falling in time with Daniel's. They lay there, inner-workings vibrating. The other two bunks were empty, making their own resting places seem closer together.
"Not in a while," the younger man shrugged eloquently, "I think Carter enlisted him to help with this tech program she's working on. She thinks we might have something here to help against the Goa'uld. If so..."
"We'll get it to Earth somehow and save the whole darn planet again," the Colonel finished. "What, do you miss the whole 'barely avoiding Armageddon by the skin of our teeth' rush?"
An endearing grin, which sobered all too quickly, "Teal'c misses having someone to fight. He still wants to help Chu'lak, and this is a way for him to do that."
"And it's a new problem for Carter to tinker with."
A pause, immeasurable. "Well, she's keeping busy."
"Yeah, but can she do that for the next gazillion years?" Jack snorted, "Aw, heck-- she's our golden girl. She'll probably design a plan for a utopian society and solve the energy crisis before the century is out."
"What about you?" Such inquiry in Daniel's eyes, gently slipping under the surface to see what really lay within his friend.
"I'm okay," Jack bit into his tongue, which tasted a bit more coppery than it might have in the time before. "As long as things keep breaking around here-- and I'm sure they will, this place is a dump-- I'll have my hands full."
"But what do you _miss_?" the archaeologist asked, decoding quickly, translating.
"Feeling useful," the older man replied, not thinking. The words hung themselves in the air, and he hurried to explain, "It's not the same as back at the SGC."
"I know. But we need you." It was calm and matter of fact, but something trembled underneath that tone. "I... me... the team."
"We really are a team," Jack said with playful annoyance, "All the parts work together right. Guess that's why _he_ let them make a new Teal'c." They would be breathing shallowly now, if they could. "That came out weird."
For a moment, Jack considered triggering the recharge program, but he could feel Daniel's gaze on him. They linked gazes with barely hidden relief.
"So," he coughed, "What do you miss?"
"You'll think I'm strange," Daniel's upper lip disappeared.
"Not a state secret, Danny-boy," Jack teased lightly. "Come on."
"Okay," the other man looked away, "I miss taste."
"Taste?"
"We don't need to eat, Jack," Daniel said with exaggerated patience, "But I miss food. The different flavors, texture. I miss my coffee."
"You're an addict," the soldier said with playful disdain.
"No, it would just make me feel more... alive." And they were silent with agreement.
"I thought you'd say you missed Sha'uri," Jack pressed, knowing Daniel had yet to shut down for the 'night'.
"She was... very brilliant." The younger man made another one of those strange, wihtout-breathing sighs-- reached out his hand, touched the scar on Jack's thumb and pulled away. "The whole time I was on Abydos, I kept thinking how far she could have gone on Earth. She wanted to learn so badly-- she'd wake me up in the middle of the night when concept clicked for her, asking me to explain more. I loved her eagerness-- she wanted to teach me, too. Simple things I ignored on Earth." Daniel didn't blink, eyes simply resting on Jack. "Or, I guess, that all happened to _him_. I know they'll find her. I believe that... but... It's not my fight. I'll go crazy if I hold on to it. It scares me, but I can let her go, as long as I believe she'll be okay and happy in the end. Or at least free. Does that make me a bad person?"
"No," Jack said around something that was a lot like a lump in his throat.
"I have you guys," Daniel repeated with a sweet-and-bitter grin. Pause. Jack lifted his hand, but could not bring himself to reach out. He laid it on his chest.
"Don't do anything stupid, Danny."
"I thought it was you we needed to worry about," Daniel raised an eyebrow, "in that department."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be fine." Pushing the words out, he added, "As long as you don't do anything stupid."
Daniel's voice followed him into the recharge, ghosting on his heels, though Jack had been sure he'd switched himself off quickly. The answer rested around his shoulders, warm and whispering, "I won't, Jack. We're in this together."
It's a frozen moment, in his mind-- that bit of holding one's breath as you jump, and then just before you hit the water. The still chaos of impact. And he was holding that old-fashioned glass bottle of apple juice, seeing the fireflies out of the corner of his eyes and feeling that summer-porch breeze. He looked down to the bottom, the amber liquid fizzled and changed and when he looked up, he was older. Sitting on the couch on a Friday, the night as loose and comfortable as his favorite shirt, with Daniel just across the cushions from him. They watched the game-- punctuating it with mutterings of 'they call that a foul?' and 'I can't believe they didn't call that a foul!'-- looking up, he saw the blue behind those round glasses, and he was home.
//do robots dream? do they?
well, you never remember your dreams anyway, never ever.
and you certainly can't recall dreams you don't have.
just hold your breath-- never know when you're gonna hit the water//
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Perhaps he was most angered because he couldn't trick himself; couldn't wake and believe , just for a moment, that he would see the plain, calm off-white of his bedroom ceiling should he open his eyes.
(the hum of the station pervaded everything, sang through them... there was something there. memory. the body, electric. he didn't look too closely.)
There was no way to pretend that, if he just kept on long enough, his life would start back up; like a scene stilled and flickering over the television screen.
(because the bench doesn't feel remotely like your bed. because carter says they recharge not so much because they always need the energy, but because the human mind their systems are based on needs time to process and relax. take a breather. because they themselves don't breathe, and when he wakes up, he always takes pleasure in knowing Daniel is close by. he never was that close, before.)
Sometimes, he hated his other self with a violence that surprised him. It crept up on him, tapped him on the shoulder until he found himself turning and staring into the kind of eyes one can usually only see as a child. In the darkness-- under the bed or in the closet-- glowing with a flash of gold, to old to do anything but hate living. He wondered, sometimes-- and maybe he should ask Daniel about this-- if perhaps in every human brain there was a place that remembered and feared the Gods. Laying down destruction and decay with alien (Goa'uld) logic; human lives not ruled by fate or destiny, but the whim of something sucking at your spine.
Maybe, he'd think viciously, in that moment of letdown after another crisis had been averted and his adrenaline ebbed like the spokes of a wheel coming back into focus. Maybe I'm loosing my mind. Because-- even with perfect memory-- the feel of rain on his face, of sun on his back and even a razor nick cut distractedly into the flesh of his jaw, were all becoming farther and farther away. They dimmed, like lights going out on a runaway until he had no choice but to go forward, on towards forever. _Forever_. Infinity, numbers bewitching and bewildering the human mind. Theta-- any and all values, slipping out from under when one tried to pin it down. It seemed to pile up against his shoulders, this knowledge of endless 'living', until he reached out towards Daniel to steady himself, lest he crumble under the weight. His hand would touch a smooth shoulder, the warmth of a hip under standard-issue navy blue pants, and once just the sweet, seashell curve of Danny's ear.
//touch is communication//
And he would watch Daniel's eyes, that azure sad-happy color, wondering how such contact translated. What did his hands say, exactly? He found himself standing behind the younger man, hands thirsting for touch, as they had even before his change.
//if you want it why don't you take it reach out it's close never so close as now, damn you//
Access memory like a program, just double click.
ITEM: Hands pulling harshly, the blood in his ears the same sound as the ocean pounding as he hauled Daniel towards the gate. All around him, Ernest's temple seemed to sing (yes, daniel, stay and learn and come to know. be consumed by your want of understanding) like a siren, or maybe that was just the wind howling through. He was holding onto Daniel as they went through the the event horizon, molecules traveling side-by-side until they fall like tired giants to the ramp on the other side. Can't loose you.
ITEM: Danny, screaming for help-- saying, Jack, Jack. You always came for me before, always pulled me away so why not now? There was fire and there was water, bubbles of Daniel's sweet breath escaping to the surface and leaving the young man behind. Daniel was dead and Jack didn't care anymore and the sound of the window shattering was the same as what was happening to his mind. And there's Daniel in the water, shouting not to shoot. All Jack wanted to do was laugh until he could cry and wrap his arms around his friend and no one would mind because-- hey, he was having a little breakdown here and he was entitled. But... no.
There was hatred towards Hathor and naked fear for that vacant look in Daniel's hurting eyes. Peace as they sat next to each other, eating Nox-fruit-- or whatever-- and pride when the archaeologist translated something new.
I am the real Jack O'Neill, he wanted to shout, I know because
//because I love him! no one would know to, would know how to, copy that//
because because because
('Off to see the wizard, kids.'
Daniel's small, half-amused smile. 'Because of the wonderful things he does?')
And maybe old mister shares-my-face just took a different road, splitting like raindrops when you pound on the window.
Maybe I am going insane, but I need...
He refused to finish that thought, telling himself with mocking, bitter humor that the information just wouldn't compute.