THREE
Saruman walked into English just as the bell rang and took his seat. Mrs. Schams, as usual, asked everyone to take a look at the board long after everyone had already done it. She then began discussing the latest county-made assignment that involved "thinking," and "looking deep inside yourself." Sad.
Saruman sat through 17 minutes of it and then passed out of boredom. 3 minutes later Mrs. Schams rudely awakened him by hitting him with his book. "Wake up Saruman!"
"No body hits a wizard!" Saruman cried. Jumping up, he sent a fireball at Mrs. Schams that sent her reeling backwards, her hair on fire. "YAHHH!"
The teacher reeled back and collapsed in her chair. "Damn you, Saruman! I was going to get that done today!"
Puzzled, Saruman said, "Your clothing?"
"NO, my hair!"
Then she died and Saruman took over the class. He picked up his book and instructed the class to turn to page 300, which of course no one did because the book only has 200 some odd pages. Then one kid, who wasn't too bright, said, "why are we reading this stupid book instead of playing volleyball?"
Saruman's eyes glinted. "Oh, we can play volleyball- you be the ball!" he said to the kid.
The kid's eyes got really big as his body grew round. "This is just what my fortune cookie said!" he cried just before his mouth disappeared into the ball.
"That's one big ball!" a student said.
Everyone laughed.
"It sure is," said Saruman, who didn't get the joke because they don't have potty humor in Middle-Earth. Actually, they don't have much humor- denizens of Middle-Earth pretty much sit around except when they wage war or make gay jokes, in the case of Sam and Frodo. If not for Gollum, they'd have been reproducing before you could say "Bilbo's a granddad!"
Anyway, Saruman finally got the joke and decided that it was inappropriate, so he turned the kid who had said it into a Koala and sentenced him to a life of torment in a petting zoo. Then he refocused his attention back on the class.
"Your homework tonight is to read The Hobbit and develop a chart of why hobbits suck.
One student raised his hand. "Um, what if we like hobbits?"
"Then you suck and you have no right to live," said Saruman. He made the kid's boxer shorts give him a wedgie, which of course made the entire class laugh.
"Oh, man, boxer shorts HURT when you get a wedgie!" said the kid, rubbing his behind.
"Yet another reason not to wear underpants like me," said Saruman.
The class became unusually silent, and only resumed talking when the bell rang and Saruman headed off for World Studies.
Saruman walked into English just as the bell rang and took his seat. Mrs. Schams, as usual, asked everyone to take a look at the board long after everyone had already done it. She then began discussing the latest county-made assignment that involved "thinking," and "looking deep inside yourself." Sad.
Saruman sat through 17 minutes of it and then passed out of boredom. 3 minutes later Mrs. Schams rudely awakened him by hitting him with his book. "Wake up Saruman!"
"No body hits a wizard!" Saruman cried. Jumping up, he sent a fireball at Mrs. Schams that sent her reeling backwards, her hair on fire. "YAHHH!"
The teacher reeled back and collapsed in her chair. "Damn you, Saruman! I was going to get that done today!"
Puzzled, Saruman said, "Your clothing?"
"NO, my hair!"
Then she died and Saruman took over the class. He picked up his book and instructed the class to turn to page 300, which of course no one did because the book only has 200 some odd pages. Then one kid, who wasn't too bright, said, "why are we reading this stupid book instead of playing volleyball?"
Saruman's eyes glinted. "Oh, we can play volleyball- you be the ball!" he said to the kid.
The kid's eyes got really big as his body grew round. "This is just what my fortune cookie said!" he cried just before his mouth disappeared into the ball.
"That's one big ball!" a student said.
Everyone laughed.
"It sure is," said Saruman, who didn't get the joke because they don't have potty humor in Middle-Earth. Actually, they don't have much humor- denizens of Middle-Earth pretty much sit around except when they wage war or make gay jokes, in the case of Sam and Frodo. If not for Gollum, they'd have been reproducing before you could say "Bilbo's a granddad!"
Anyway, Saruman finally got the joke and decided that it was inappropriate, so he turned the kid who had said it into a Koala and sentenced him to a life of torment in a petting zoo. Then he refocused his attention back on the class.
"Your homework tonight is to read The Hobbit and develop a chart of why hobbits suck.
One student raised his hand. "Um, what if we like hobbits?"
"Then you suck and you have no right to live," said Saruman. He made the kid's boxer shorts give him a wedgie, which of course made the entire class laugh.
"Oh, man, boxer shorts HURT when you get a wedgie!" said the kid, rubbing his behind.
"Yet another reason not to wear underpants like me," said Saruman.
The class became unusually silent, and only resumed talking when the bell rang and Saruman headed off for World Studies.