Author's Notes: Okay so I think it's about time for some really good thank you's::: HELEN: you're awesome. Thanks for the reassurance that I was going the right way with the twins and their reactions. JANE: I love you!! Thank you so much for that much needed pep talk! JENNIE: Thanks for thinking that the story's believeable. I'm trying :-) HYPERPIPER91: Through it all, you're still here! Thanks!! MAGGIE: I absolutely loved the rant. Just what I needed and you sort of read my mind. I really wanna stick some general Carter judging Abby in there.. It's hard though. It is Abby's perspective, but I'll see what I can do... CATIE: Thanks for reading... Through the good and the bad :-) E: Thanks for sticking with it so far. And yes, it does get nicer. I promise :-) KATTYBABY2318: Official review buddy LOL. I've grown used to your short and sweet reviews along with your updates (Please don't kill her!!) CARBYLUV: Thanks for your help (you're great!) and for your reviews... Glad you liked the couch offer. I didn't know if it was a good idea... TINA: Love the comments, and yeah she dose need to do some apologizing. I sorta kept Carter calm b/c in my opinion Abby would have kept the twins away from him if he was pissed or hysterical.. FAITH: Much thanks for reading and reviewing... YOU GUYS ARE WHAT KEEP ME GOING!!! THANK YOU!!!
This chapter is a bit different only because I'm falling into a deep depression after reading the latest spoilers for the new episodes, and no I did not include any in here so don't worry... I hope it's okay.. I know it might be a little bit too soon, but come on.. It's been ten years... ;-) Oh if anyone needs any pick-me ups, try Kelly Clarkson, "Beautiful Disaster" or Michelle Branch "Here with Me"... LOL They are on repeat. Very addictive songs... Please review at end. Anything that's on your mind. Good or bad..
~*~
She turned from side to side, the little streaks of light peaked through the shades. She looked at her alarm clock, 3:27 AM. She had slept for a little over 5 hours and then that was it. No more. Sleep had deserted her. Normally, she would have probably gone into the living room and flicked on the TV and watched some infommercial until she fell asleep from boredom. But her living room was being inhabitied by the thing that kept her up in the first place. She decided to head to the kitchen quietly for a glass of milk, or juice, or whatever was salvageable in her refridgerator. She tip toed through the house, watching out for creaking boards or whatever went bump in the night. She reached her kitchen, and entered. She grabbed a glass and poured herself some milk, then put it into the microwave, since warm milk was supposed to be helpful for falling asleep. She stood waiting for the milk, and she noticed that light was peaking in from under the doorway linking the living room to the kitchen. She walked over to the door, ignoring the beeping of the microwave. She opened it and noticed that he was up, flipping through channels of random shows. She grabbed her milk, and decided to go over there. She had calmed down a bit since the last time they talked, and every conversation ended in her either crying or screaming. Both which eventually led to exhaustion, and exhaustion led to sleep.
"Can't sleep?"
She slowly began to walk over to him. Until she realized she was in a black satin nightgown. Not exactly the type of thing she wanted to be talking to him in. She couldn't remember where all her stuff was. And she hadn't had time to search, or organize. Her stuff was still half in boxes. She usually just grabbed whatever she saw first. She was usually in bed after the kids, and up before them, so who cared what she wore to bed. Obviously he did, because his eyes almost popped out of his head. She causally set the milk down on a side table and headed to her room to grab the one thing she knew she had: her robe. She emerged a few minutes later and saw the disappointed look on his face. She decided to ignore it. Just because she let him spend the night on the sofa didn't mean she was going to forgive him. Or that it was going to lead to anything. Or that they were ever going to be together. She had done it in the best interest of her children. Well at least one of them.
"Sorry. It's really chilly."
She saw him go back to watching the TV.
"Nothing's on."
It's almost 3:30 in the morning. Nothing's ever on, hun.
"Never is."
She pushed away some of the blankets to reveal her couch and she sat down.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier."
Okay maybe she didn't owe him yet another apology. But like last time. It felt right.
"I'm sorry I left you."
Not again. Why does it always come back to this? Can't he just bury the hatchet and get on with his life.
"Carter..."
She had that pleading tone in her, hoping he would drop it.
" It's our unresolved past. Our past that is affecting our present."
She didn't want to discuss it. She left the past when she left Chicago.
"You're the only one that's letting your past control your present."
The faster they get off this subject the better.
"Like you have never thought about how it could have been."
No. She stopped dreaming after she learned that fairy tales weren't real. She needed to get off this topic.
"What are we going to do about John?"
She saw him nodd his head slightly, a type of gesture of disgust. She knew she changed the subject. But she didn't want to talk about it.
"I don't know."
An awkward silence passed between them. He had turned off the TV and the room was bathed in a low light from the lamp, and the sound of the waves could be clearly heard through the open windows and balcony doors. She pulled her legs up beneathe her, and watched him get up, put the remote on top of the TV, and sit back down, closer to her. She couldn't stop watching him, some hidden force drew her to him. He was starring intently at something across the room, maybe at the oil paiting she had hung above the fireplace. He looked away after a while, looking straight at her. She begun to shiver. She knew he noticed, but she wasn't cold. She saw him grab the blaket that had been thrown on the other side of the sofa and covered her with it. She looked down at her hands, playing with the tips of her nails, deepening her cuticles even more. She felt his hand against her cheek, slowly easing her eyes to meet his. He stroked her cheek gently, the way he had always done before. She looked into his eyes, deeper than she had ever before. She felt herself falling. She felt her eyes closing, her heart melting, her body moving without her permission. His lips grazed hers, but she tasted him. Desire for something that she had never forgotten.
She stayed there for a second, frozen in the moment, absorbing it, remembering it, loving it. She noticed that he was looking at her intently.
"No. I can't do this, Carter."
She began to get up, throwing the blanket on the ground.
"Do what you do best. Run away."
She froze in her spot. Who the hell did he think he was?
"Interrupt me if I'm wrong, but weren't you the first one to run away?"
Hadn't they had this conversation already? Or one related to it?
"I came back. And you pushed me away!"
She pushed him away because it was the only way she could keep her sanity.
"Why is everything always my fault?"
She realized at that moment that she always kept on getting blamed for everything.
"Because it usually is."
She shook her head. She was mad. No, that was still an understatement. Furious.
"Oh, and you're perfect right? You never did one thing wrong.."
She couldn't think of anything better to say, so she stated the obvious, sharply and clearly.
"No. I never said that. But I came back to you. I wanted to work things out. You pushed me away... "
He's blaming her again.
" I'm glad I pushed you away. It was the best thing I ever did!"
She didn't mean that. But rage did crazy things to people. And she had forgotten to keep her voice down. Hopefully the kids were still asleep.
"And I ran away because I loved you. And I was afriad you didn't feel the same way..."
And she shut up. She was still boiling up inside. That exactly hadn't come out the most romantic way possible. He had screamed it at her in the middle of yet another argument. Thanks Carter. Always considerate of other's feelings.
"I came back and you were gone. I hated you. I still hate you."
Is he bipolar or something? First he's screaming he loves her, and now he's saying that he hates her.
"Well the feeling's mutual."
She had a sarcastic, bitter tone to her voice.
"No it's not. You don't hate me. You can't hate me."
He sounded so sure of himself. He was up for a rude awakening.
"Fine. Hate me. Who gives a damn?"
She had enough friends. She couldn't believe she was having this argument.
"You took off, and I lost you. You also took ten years of my children from me! It's not fair!"
What? He wanted to play fair now?
"And you promised me you would always be there!"
She needed to shut her mouth.
"My grandmother had died! I had no more family left. I was alone, Abby! You would always have your crazy brother and mother, but I had no one! I needed you that one time! Once, was that too much to ask? For you to be the strong one? For you to be there for me? I didn't need much. Just your hand, your presence... But you ran from that too... "
She closed her eyes, absorbing the shock of his words. He wasn't immortal.
The silence could have shattered worlds.
"I'm sorry..."
Her voice came out a squeak.
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for not being there. For running away. I'm sorry for keeping your children away from you... For leaving you when you needed me most... For not giving us a second chance, or even an attempt to fix us...I'm sorry for not telling you I loved you... I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say to you! I'm sorry!"
She felt the tears falling down her cheeks, she tasted them. She turned away and did what she did best. She ran. She ran through the kitchen, back into her bedroom, she locked the door. She leaned against her closet door, hugging her arms towards her. She heard a knock, but she ignored it. She sunk down, sitting on the carpeted floor. She wrapped her arms around her legs, bringing them up to her chest. And sat there. Wishing she were a million miles away.
This chapter is a bit different only because I'm falling into a deep depression after reading the latest spoilers for the new episodes, and no I did not include any in here so don't worry... I hope it's okay.. I know it might be a little bit too soon, but come on.. It's been ten years... ;-) Oh if anyone needs any pick-me ups, try Kelly Clarkson, "Beautiful Disaster" or Michelle Branch "Here with Me"... LOL They are on repeat. Very addictive songs... Please review at end. Anything that's on your mind. Good or bad..
~*~
She turned from side to side, the little streaks of light peaked through the shades. She looked at her alarm clock, 3:27 AM. She had slept for a little over 5 hours and then that was it. No more. Sleep had deserted her. Normally, she would have probably gone into the living room and flicked on the TV and watched some infommercial until she fell asleep from boredom. But her living room was being inhabitied by the thing that kept her up in the first place. She decided to head to the kitchen quietly for a glass of milk, or juice, or whatever was salvageable in her refridgerator. She tip toed through the house, watching out for creaking boards or whatever went bump in the night. She reached her kitchen, and entered. She grabbed a glass and poured herself some milk, then put it into the microwave, since warm milk was supposed to be helpful for falling asleep. She stood waiting for the milk, and she noticed that light was peaking in from under the doorway linking the living room to the kitchen. She walked over to the door, ignoring the beeping of the microwave. She opened it and noticed that he was up, flipping through channels of random shows. She grabbed her milk, and decided to go over there. She had calmed down a bit since the last time they talked, and every conversation ended in her either crying or screaming. Both which eventually led to exhaustion, and exhaustion led to sleep.
"Can't sleep?"
She slowly began to walk over to him. Until she realized she was in a black satin nightgown. Not exactly the type of thing she wanted to be talking to him in. She couldn't remember where all her stuff was. And she hadn't had time to search, or organize. Her stuff was still half in boxes. She usually just grabbed whatever she saw first. She was usually in bed after the kids, and up before them, so who cared what she wore to bed. Obviously he did, because his eyes almost popped out of his head. She causally set the milk down on a side table and headed to her room to grab the one thing she knew she had: her robe. She emerged a few minutes later and saw the disappointed look on his face. She decided to ignore it. Just because she let him spend the night on the sofa didn't mean she was going to forgive him. Or that it was going to lead to anything. Or that they were ever going to be together. She had done it in the best interest of her children. Well at least one of them.
"Sorry. It's really chilly."
She saw him go back to watching the TV.
"Nothing's on."
It's almost 3:30 in the morning. Nothing's ever on, hun.
"Never is."
She pushed away some of the blankets to reveal her couch and she sat down.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier."
Okay maybe she didn't owe him yet another apology. But like last time. It felt right.
"I'm sorry I left you."
Not again. Why does it always come back to this? Can't he just bury the hatchet and get on with his life.
"Carter..."
She had that pleading tone in her, hoping he would drop it.
" It's our unresolved past. Our past that is affecting our present."
She didn't want to discuss it. She left the past when she left Chicago.
"You're the only one that's letting your past control your present."
The faster they get off this subject the better.
"Like you have never thought about how it could have been."
No. She stopped dreaming after she learned that fairy tales weren't real. She needed to get off this topic.
"What are we going to do about John?"
She saw him nodd his head slightly, a type of gesture of disgust. She knew she changed the subject. But she didn't want to talk about it.
"I don't know."
An awkward silence passed between them. He had turned off the TV and the room was bathed in a low light from the lamp, and the sound of the waves could be clearly heard through the open windows and balcony doors. She pulled her legs up beneathe her, and watched him get up, put the remote on top of the TV, and sit back down, closer to her. She couldn't stop watching him, some hidden force drew her to him. He was starring intently at something across the room, maybe at the oil paiting she had hung above the fireplace. He looked away after a while, looking straight at her. She begun to shiver. She knew he noticed, but she wasn't cold. She saw him grab the blaket that had been thrown on the other side of the sofa and covered her with it. She looked down at her hands, playing with the tips of her nails, deepening her cuticles even more. She felt his hand against her cheek, slowly easing her eyes to meet his. He stroked her cheek gently, the way he had always done before. She looked into his eyes, deeper than she had ever before. She felt herself falling. She felt her eyes closing, her heart melting, her body moving without her permission. His lips grazed hers, but she tasted him. Desire for something that she had never forgotten.
She stayed there for a second, frozen in the moment, absorbing it, remembering it, loving it. She noticed that he was looking at her intently.
"No. I can't do this, Carter."
She began to get up, throwing the blanket on the ground.
"Do what you do best. Run away."
She froze in her spot. Who the hell did he think he was?
"Interrupt me if I'm wrong, but weren't you the first one to run away?"
Hadn't they had this conversation already? Or one related to it?
"I came back. And you pushed me away!"
She pushed him away because it was the only way she could keep her sanity.
"Why is everything always my fault?"
She realized at that moment that she always kept on getting blamed for everything.
"Because it usually is."
She shook her head. She was mad. No, that was still an understatement. Furious.
"Oh, and you're perfect right? You never did one thing wrong.."
She couldn't think of anything better to say, so she stated the obvious, sharply and clearly.
"No. I never said that. But I came back to you. I wanted to work things out. You pushed me away... "
He's blaming her again.
" I'm glad I pushed you away. It was the best thing I ever did!"
She didn't mean that. But rage did crazy things to people. And she had forgotten to keep her voice down. Hopefully the kids were still asleep.
"And I ran away because I loved you. And I was afriad you didn't feel the same way..."
And she shut up. She was still boiling up inside. That exactly hadn't come out the most romantic way possible. He had screamed it at her in the middle of yet another argument. Thanks Carter. Always considerate of other's feelings.
"I came back and you were gone. I hated you. I still hate you."
Is he bipolar or something? First he's screaming he loves her, and now he's saying that he hates her.
"Well the feeling's mutual."
She had a sarcastic, bitter tone to her voice.
"No it's not. You don't hate me. You can't hate me."
He sounded so sure of himself. He was up for a rude awakening.
"Fine. Hate me. Who gives a damn?"
She had enough friends. She couldn't believe she was having this argument.
"You took off, and I lost you. You also took ten years of my children from me! It's not fair!"
What? He wanted to play fair now?
"And you promised me you would always be there!"
She needed to shut her mouth.
"My grandmother had died! I had no more family left. I was alone, Abby! You would always have your crazy brother and mother, but I had no one! I needed you that one time! Once, was that too much to ask? For you to be the strong one? For you to be there for me? I didn't need much. Just your hand, your presence... But you ran from that too... "
She closed her eyes, absorbing the shock of his words. He wasn't immortal.
The silence could have shattered worlds.
"I'm sorry..."
Her voice came out a squeak.
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for not being there. For running away. I'm sorry for keeping your children away from you... For leaving you when you needed me most... For not giving us a second chance, or even an attempt to fix us...I'm sorry for not telling you I loved you... I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say to you! I'm sorry!"
She felt the tears falling down her cheeks, she tasted them. She turned away and did what she did best. She ran. She ran through the kitchen, back into her bedroom, she locked the door. She leaned against her closet door, hugging her arms towards her. She heard a knock, but she ignored it. She sunk down, sitting on the carpeted floor. She wrapped her arms around her legs, bringing them up to her chest. And sat there. Wishing she were a million miles away.