Author's notes: Okay, first off, thank you's: Catie, fanficwreader, hyperpiper91, Abby, Fuuruma, Kattybaby2318, Jane, and Tina, thank you guys for the reviews. I'm working in some suggestions... And Helen: Could you be any more right about the way that I am heading with this fic. You read my mind sometimes. You're really awesome. Thank you so much for all your input. Okay second, this is one of two chapters I hope to upload today. This is a really heavy chapter because I think we're long overdo for one, and I just feel Abby needs to sort out everything, which she does sort of does in this chapter. It's not a very loving, emotional chapter, but it really is needed, since in real life, you get doubts, and your doubts sort of control you. I just hope you guys like it, it's a change of pace, and I'm hoping to get something a bit lighter done tonight, but for now, this is it... It's really getting confusing with her emotions, I know, but it'll all work out soon enough, I promise...
~*~
She awoke from her dream. She couldn't remember what had been happening, but it hadn't been pleasent. She reaquainted herself with her surroundings, and who was with her. She jerked up, quickly getting out from under his reach, like he was fire and his touch was burning her. She was tangled in the blanket and it took her a few seconds to calm down and unravel. She took the thing and tossed it on the place where she had been sitting. She headed towards the kitchen, hoping to get to the back patio. She needed air. She needed to think.
She opened the door, her hand shaking slightly. She didn't know why she was in such a state. She shut the door behind her, as she stepped outside, the wind blowing away the last bit of sleep from her. She was now completley awake, and cold. The cold away from the lake was different from the cold near the lake. The lake's cold breezes were invorgating, almost life giving. These were cold and dead. She wrapped her arms around herself, but she refused to go in. What was she doing here? She shouldn't be here. She was jumping into things too quickly. Too forcefully. The kids must be living this like hell. Annette is just so happy, but when this all passes, she's going to be destroyed. John is sick, and she's subjecting him to dealing with Carter. John doesn't like him. He shouldn't have to deal with Carter. Why was she doing this? She should have let him meet them, then slowly and cautiosly let him enter their lives, so when he does leave, no big shock, no big pain. But she let them go in head first. She let herself go in headfirst. Leading them. She knew they would never work out. They were from two different worlds, and the only thing that tied them together was one mistake, one night. He shouldn't be controlled by it. She knew he didn't love her. He loved the prospect of loving her. Of being together, of raising a family, of being a father. But not her. He had the idea that he loved her only because she had his children. No. It wasn't like that. She had to let him go. All they ever did was fight. She had to stop holding on to the thought of being together. She hadn't thought of it at all in Boston. She had given up everything. And now, two kisses later, she was again holding on to him. She was also hanging on to the pain and misery she had felt before. She shouldn't have stayed the night here, with the kids. The biggest mistake she could have possibly made. She was getting comfortable, taking advantage. Letting him lead her on. Leading him on herself. It was so complicated. She didn't want to be involved anymore. She wanted to cross him off her list of memories. She wanted to move on. She couldn't let herself be drawn into something because it might be good. It never ended well.
She kept on shivering, running her hands up and down her arms length, trying anything to keep warm, and to not enter that house. She just needed to be away. To get away from him for a while. To distance herself, that's the only way she knew how to let things go. To distance herself so far from them that they would eventually disappear or dissintegrate. She slowly began to ingnore the piercing cold. She leaned against the wooden posts, guarding the patio she was standing on. She looked out into the forest in front of her, the trees swaying in the breeze. The moonlight gave them an eerie white shine. She was lost in thought. Oblivious to the world around her. Nothing haunted more than the mistakes she had made. Nothing mattered more to her than trying to make things right for her children, for her. She needed to get out. The wind and cold subsided for a minute. She snapped back into realilty. A warm sweater had been placed over her shoulders. She could hear him breathing only a few feet behind her. Instantly she moved. She moved farther and farther away from him, putting a good amount of distance between herself and him.
"Abby..."
She curled her arms up, slumping her shoulders inward. She turned around, as if looking back out to the forest. But she was only trying to ignore him. To build walls, and burn bridges.
"I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have stayed."
She regretted it more every time she said it.
"What's wrong?"
She felt his moving towards her, she started moving away.
"You can come see them anytime you want, and you can have them every other weekend..."
She was blathering again. She knew this could get complicated. She just didn't want anything involving court or lawyers. She would give in to him. They were his kids, he deserved a right. But he had to realize that being with the kids didn't automatically mean they were back together. That she could allow herself to depend on him again. That everything from the past was forgotten or ignored. No. It was over.
"What are you talking about?"
She wasn't mad. She hoped he got that sense. She just needed to pull her life back together, she needed to be her own person. She needed to get back in control, for the sake of John and Annette, and deliviering them into a mess of hatred and confusion wasn't what was best for them.
"The kids. I just don't want them to have to go through shifts between us."
One way or another they would end up having to. But it was easier to have them gone twice a month for two days with their father, they wouldn't grow too attached, they wouldn't care too much. It would become routine, and a nice break. But nothing more.
"They are understanding."
She knew they were understanding, maybe John more than Annette. But they didn't get the full gist of the situation. She knew she would be hated for a while, but she was doing the best thing. She wished she had realized it earlier.
"I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want this. Any of it. You have a right, you're their father.. But just let us get back to our lives."
She wasn't completing ideas, her brain prevented her from doing it. She managed to steal a glance at him, he stood in bewilderment, looking straight at her.
"I want you out of my life."
She looked down at the floor. Never had she said something more painful.
"Isn't that a little hard to do?"
No. Not at all, if they played the game right, worked opposite shifts, managed to keep talking to a minimal, pick the kids up, never meet. It could be done.
"No. Not for me."
She was great at telling the truth. She was even better at lying.
"You can't seriously mean that?"
She was completely serious. She wanted to be done with the past. She wanted to be done with him. Whatever had happened in the last week, it was over. It never meant anything. It was cat and mouse game, so many years of not seeing each other. So many memories had flooded back, making the truth practically disappear. But now she saw the truth, clear as crystal. She didn't want to give in.
"I know what real pain is. I've lived through it. I know how it feels like to have your heart pulled out of your chest and thrown against a wall with thorns. I don't want Annette or John to have to go through that. I never want my children to have to feel like the world hates them, that it deserted them. They are happy, carefree. I don't want that to change. Not just yet."
She felt all the pain come back to her, filling the void again. Except the void hadn't hurt as much.
"I can't just give everything up like that."
And did he think it had been that easy to give up everything and move away? To a new state, two newly born children on her hands. She had been alone, for so many months, putting up her own fight.
"You need to try."
She hadn't looked at him once throughout this whole thing. It would probably just make her either more angry, or more unsure.
"I'm not going to. I can't. I can't be like you and hide everything. I can't ignore what I feel is the truth. I love you."
She knew it would always come to this.
"No. You don't. Your confused, your overwhelmed."
He never loved her.
"I know what I feel, Abby."
She was convinced not to let him drag her down, make her doubt herself again.
"It's not love. It's you telling yourself you feel guilty, or obligated.."
She kept on distancing herself from him, working her way slowly down the stairs and he followed her, a good couple yards behind.
"And how would you know?"
He sounded like a child to her. Trying to make a valid statement with nothing to back it up.
"Because I've been through it all. The guilt, the regrets, everything. I don't want it again."
She kept on deeping down to her past, remembering all the stupid mistakes she made.
"I highly doubt that you've been through it all."
He was just getting her more motivated. He was only pushing her more to her realizations.
"I was married to Richard for a little under a year, and in that time, everything that we had once felt for each other fell apart. We had been mad in love. Or what I thought love to be. And then it was over."
She was shaking a little now, her past beginning to haunt her again.
"I'm not like him"
She knew he wasn't like him.
"No. Your worse. He never made promises, you broke all yours."
Her words where painful, fierce. But she needed to get the truth out to him.
"I never meant to hurt you."
She almost ironically laughed. Who knew that a piece of paper and some ink could almost be deadly.
"You meant to. You said it yourself before."
She remembered the first time they talked. The words he spit out at her.
"It's not like you actually cared."
She knew he was trying a new a approach. But she knew the game.
"Don't put this all on me. We're both at fault for what happened."
It was both their faults. She should have given a little more and he should have taken a bit more. He didn't respond to her.
"But this, this is my fault. Your the father of my children. Nothing more. I want you to understand that."
She ran her hand through her hair, frustrated.
"I don't understand. I don't understand how you can just throw everything away. How you can just decide for me."
She was walking on the grass now, her bare feet freezing.
"What's so hard to understand? I don't want you in my life. I don't want you near me because I know I'll let myself go, and I'll get hurt again. But this time I won't be able to pick up the pieces. I'm not strong enough. I'm done with you. Just leave me alone."
She started back towards the stairs, hoping to head to her room, and lock herself in there till morning, when she would be able to take the kids home. She would get Susan to intervene between the two of them and figure out some type of visiting plan.
"So I meant nothing to you!?!"
She stopped dead in her tracks. She didn't turn around. She just starred forward, closing her eyes.
"You were my life."
She stressed the were quite clearly for him. She picked up a quicker pace heading towards the door, leaving him outside, alone.
~*~
She awoke from her dream. She couldn't remember what had been happening, but it hadn't been pleasent. She reaquainted herself with her surroundings, and who was with her. She jerked up, quickly getting out from under his reach, like he was fire and his touch was burning her. She was tangled in the blanket and it took her a few seconds to calm down and unravel. She took the thing and tossed it on the place where she had been sitting. She headed towards the kitchen, hoping to get to the back patio. She needed air. She needed to think.
She opened the door, her hand shaking slightly. She didn't know why she was in such a state. She shut the door behind her, as she stepped outside, the wind blowing away the last bit of sleep from her. She was now completley awake, and cold. The cold away from the lake was different from the cold near the lake. The lake's cold breezes were invorgating, almost life giving. These were cold and dead. She wrapped her arms around herself, but she refused to go in. What was she doing here? She shouldn't be here. She was jumping into things too quickly. Too forcefully. The kids must be living this like hell. Annette is just so happy, but when this all passes, she's going to be destroyed. John is sick, and she's subjecting him to dealing with Carter. John doesn't like him. He shouldn't have to deal with Carter. Why was she doing this? She should have let him meet them, then slowly and cautiosly let him enter their lives, so when he does leave, no big shock, no big pain. But she let them go in head first. She let herself go in headfirst. Leading them. She knew they would never work out. They were from two different worlds, and the only thing that tied them together was one mistake, one night. He shouldn't be controlled by it. She knew he didn't love her. He loved the prospect of loving her. Of being together, of raising a family, of being a father. But not her. He had the idea that he loved her only because she had his children. No. It wasn't like that. She had to let him go. All they ever did was fight. She had to stop holding on to the thought of being together. She hadn't thought of it at all in Boston. She had given up everything. And now, two kisses later, she was again holding on to him. She was also hanging on to the pain and misery she had felt before. She shouldn't have stayed the night here, with the kids. The biggest mistake she could have possibly made. She was getting comfortable, taking advantage. Letting him lead her on. Leading him on herself. It was so complicated. She didn't want to be involved anymore. She wanted to cross him off her list of memories. She wanted to move on. She couldn't let herself be drawn into something because it might be good. It never ended well.
She kept on shivering, running her hands up and down her arms length, trying anything to keep warm, and to not enter that house. She just needed to be away. To get away from him for a while. To distance herself, that's the only way she knew how to let things go. To distance herself so far from them that they would eventually disappear or dissintegrate. She slowly began to ingnore the piercing cold. She leaned against the wooden posts, guarding the patio she was standing on. She looked out into the forest in front of her, the trees swaying in the breeze. The moonlight gave them an eerie white shine. She was lost in thought. Oblivious to the world around her. Nothing haunted more than the mistakes she had made. Nothing mattered more to her than trying to make things right for her children, for her. She needed to get out. The wind and cold subsided for a minute. She snapped back into realilty. A warm sweater had been placed over her shoulders. She could hear him breathing only a few feet behind her. Instantly she moved. She moved farther and farther away from him, putting a good amount of distance between herself and him.
"Abby..."
She curled her arms up, slumping her shoulders inward. She turned around, as if looking back out to the forest. But she was only trying to ignore him. To build walls, and burn bridges.
"I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have stayed."
She regretted it more every time she said it.
"What's wrong?"
She felt his moving towards her, she started moving away.
"You can come see them anytime you want, and you can have them every other weekend..."
She was blathering again. She knew this could get complicated. She just didn't want anything involving court or lawyers. She would give in to him. They were his kids, he deserved a right. But he had to realize that being with the kids didn't automatically mean they were back together. That she could allow herself to depend on him again. That everything from the past was forgotten or ignored. No. It was over.
"What are you talking about?"
She wasn't mad. She hoped he got that sense. She just needed to pull her life back together, she needed to be her own person. She needed to get back in control, for the sake of John and Annette, and deliviering them into a mess of hatred and confusion wasn't what was best for them.
"The kids. I just don't want them to have to go through shifts between us."
One way or another they would end up having to. But it was easier to have them gone twice a month for two days with their father, they wouldn't grow too attached, they wouldn't care too much. It would become routine, and a nice break. But nothing more.
"They are understanding."
She knew they were understanding, maybe John more than Annette. But they didn't get the full gist of the situation. She knew she would be hated for a while, but she was doing the best thing. She wished she had realized it earlier.
"I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want this. Any of it. You have a right, you're their father.. But just let us get back to our lives."
She wasn't completing ideas, her brain prevented her from doing it. She managed to steal a glance at him, he stood in bewilderment, looking straight at her.
"I want you out of my life."
She looked down at the floor. Never had she said something more painful.
"Isn't that a little hard to do?"
No. Not at all, if they played the game right, worked opposite shifts, managed to keep talking to a minimal, pick the kids up, never meet. It could be done.
"No. Not for me."
She was great at telling the truth. She was even better at lying.
"You can't seriously mean that?"
She was completely serious. She wanted to be done with the past. She wanted to be done with him. Whatever had happened in the last week, it was over. It never meant anything. It was cat and mouse game, so many years of not seeing each other. So many memories had flooded back, making the truth practically disappear. But now she saw the truth, clear as crystal. She didn't want to give in.
"I know what real pain is. I've lived through it. I know how it feels like to have your heart pulled out of your chest and thrown against a wall with thorns. I don't want Annette or John to have to go through that. I never want my children to have to feel like the world hates them, that it deserted them. They are happy, carefree. I don't want that to change. Not just yet."
She felt all the pain come back to her, filling the void again. Except the void hadn't hurt as much.
"I can't just give everything up like that."
And did he think it had been that easy to give up everything and move away? To a new state, two newly born children on her hands. She had been alone, for so many months, putting up her own fight.
"You need to try."
She hadn't looked at him once throughout this whole thing. It would probably just make her either more angry, or more unsure.
"I'm not going to. I can't. I can't be like you and hide everything. I can't ignore what I feel is the truth. I love you."
She knew it would always come to this.
"No. You don't. Your confused, your overwhelmed."
He never loved her.
"I know what I feel, Abby."
She was convinced not to let him drag her down, make her doubt herself again.
"It's not love. It's you telling yourself you feel guilty, or obligated.."
She kept on distancing herself from him, working her way slowly down the stairs and he followed her, a good couple yards behind.
"And how would you know?"
He sounded like a child to her. Trying to make a valid statement with nothing to back it up.
"Because I've been through it all. The guilt, the regrets, everything. I don't want it again."
She kept on deeping down to her past, remembering all the stupid mistakes she made.
"I highly doubt that you've been through it all."
He was just getting her more motivated. He was only pushing her more to her realizations.
"I was married to Richard for a little under a year, and in that time, everything that we had once felt for each other fell apart. We had been mad in love. Or what I thought love to be. And then it was over."
She was shaking a little now, her past beginning to haunt her again.
"I'm not like him"
She knew he wasn't like him.
"No. Your worse. He never made promises, you broke all yours."
Her words where painful, fierce. But she needed to get the truth out to him.
"I never meant to hurt you."
She almost ironically laughed. Who knew that a piece of paper and some ink could almost be deadly.
"You meant to. You said it yourself before."
She remembered the first time they talked. The words he spit out at her.
"It's not like you actually cared."
She knew he was trying a new a approach. But she knew the game.
"Don't put this all on me. We're both at fault for what happened."
It was both their faults. She should have given a little more and he should have taken a bit more. He didn't respond to her.
"But this, this is my fault. Your the father of my children. Nothing more. I want you to understand that."
She ran her hand through her hair, frustrated.
"I don't understand. I don't understand how you can just throw everything away. How you can just decide for me."
She was walking on the grass now, her bare feet freezing.
"What's so hard to understand? I don't want you in my life. I don't want you near me because I know I'll let myself go, and I'll get hurt again. But this time I won't be able to pick up the pieces. I'm not strong enough. I'm done with you. Just leave me alone."
She started back towards the stairs, hoping to head to her room, and lock herself in there till morning, when she would be able to take the kids home. She would get Susan to intervene between the two of them and figure out some type of visiting plan.
"So I meant nothing to you!?!"
She stopped dead in her tracks. She didn't turn around. She just starred forward, closing her eyes.
"You were my life."
She stressed the were quite clearly for him. She picked up a quicker pace heading towards the door, leaving him outside, alone.