Author's Notes: OMG I am so sorry I'm like lagging behind on the updates. I'm soo sorry. My computer like hates me, and it's just being very nice. But I promise to work my butt off to get at least one update a day, even if it kills me!!! Umm quick thank you's today: THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!! I LOVE YOU!! THANK YOU!!! Ummm I posted a standalone fic today as well... It's called Back In Time. Really short... Ummm Hope you like this chapter, it's also a little bit on the short side, but it's a good chapter, well at least that's what my support team is telling me, so just drop me a line, and tell me what you don't like, or you like, or you would like to see more or less of.. ya know the usuals.. and carbies.. hold on to that hope... :-)
~*~
She stared out at the city below. She couldn't go back inside. She couldn't go back and watch them poke and prode her son, putting him in so much pain. And there was nothing she could do about it. She was crying, her eyes burning from the mix of wind, dust, and salt. She was also shaking. Not from the cold, but from the pure realization that he could have died. He could have died and there was nothing in this world that would ever bring him back. No matter how much pain she would go through, it would never surpass the pain she would feel if he didn't make it. If he didnt live. He was on a ventilator. He was stable. But he wasn't breathing on his. She wanted to there, to stand by him, to hold his hand, to talk to him. Like she had seen patients do before her, and she had just simply pushed them away, shrugged them off. Now she knew the real threat. The thought that if they held on the physical, they could hold on forever. She just contiuned to hold on to her coffee, breathing in slowly and surely. Just trying to keep calm, trying to stay strong. She knew this was the beginning. She wouldn't be able to hold herself up any longer. She would slowly begin to crumble, one little rock at a time, and then she would be hopeless. Lost back in her old world of despair and pessimism. It wasn't like it was a choice. She was forced into it. Everyone always says pick your own mood. It's not that easy. She doesn't exactly have anything to be happy or excited about. She was now walking around the roof, dodging the pipes, a mechanical motion, like an old grandfather clock. She looked up when she heard the door slam. It was Carter. He looked about same as her, except maybe a little mad.
"Why did you call me?"
She shut her eyes. It never even came to her, she called Susan, automatically. She always trusted Susan.
"I don't know."
She saw him look down at the floor, shaking any thought of yelling at her out of his head, probably.
"Are you okay?"
She nodded her head, heading for the no reply, but quickly changed her mind. Yeah. She would make it through. Somehow.
"How is he?"
She started walking farther away from him as if she wouldn't hear any bad words or the ultimate words she's been gearing herself up for, but will never fully accept.
"Dr. Morrison is in with him now."
Dr. Morrison. Wasn't he head of oncology?
"Oncology?"
She saw him look out into space, a million miles away.
"He has leukemia."
Her world came crashing down. Everything started spinning, her world falling apart. What was she supposed to do, how long had he had it, how hadn't she noticed? Why did it have to happen to him. Why couldn't the powers that be just leave her the hell alone? Hadn't she been through enough? Why did this world have to be so cruel? She had finally pulled her life together, had two wonderful kids, and now everything came back down. She hadn't felt like this since, since the day Carter left.
"What strain?"
She racked her brain for everything she remembered from her oncology rotation. Some strains of leukemia where stronger than others, others were fatal within a year.
"The same Bobby had."
She closed her eyes. Carter's brother. He died from leukemia. She felt her heart stop beating. Anything else to add to make sure she fell and fell hard? Anything else to make her world more of a living hell? She looked at him, tears falling down freely from his eyes. All she could do is just stand there. She couldn't believe the situation. She couldn't believe what was going on. She couldn't stop looking for someone to blame. She blamed him. He held the gene. She wished she had never met him. Her life would have been completley different. She would have been unhappy but somehow managed to pull herself together, with or without him. Nothing had ever gone right with him. Why did she decide to give him a chance. She never should have crossed that line. Ever.
"You did this to him."
Her voice came out hard and violent, a scream over the bussle of the city, a few ground below. She felt her tears start falling again, she had so much rage, at herself, at him, at the world, boiling up inside of her, yet she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she just stood there, staring at him in disbelief.
"You did this to my son."
She saw his look of shock, of the beginnings of rage, then the face of acceptance.
"Abby.."
No. She needed to get away from him. Farther away from him than she ever thought possible.
"Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"
Her voice was now a scream, determined, commanding.
"Abby, please, just listen to me."
He didn't deserve to be listened to.
"Leave me the hell alone."
She kept on moving backwards with ever step forward he took. She needed to gain more distance. She needed to be left alone.
"Abby..."
She didn't pay attention to his pleas. She didn't want any of it. She looked up at him, he had gained more ground than she had though. He was only a few feet away from her, but she looked him straight in the eyes.
"I wish I had never met you. My life would have been better without you."
She saw the instant pain, the instant torture she had inflicted upon him. She felt no remorse. Her son was in a hospital room a few floors underneath her fighting for his life because of him. He didn't deserve compassion or sympathy. He deserved to suffer. Suffer like she had years before, suffer like her son was right now. She watched him walk back to the door, he didn't hesitate, he didn't turn around. He was bound to leave her alone. Forever, would be the best possible way. To get out of her life once and for all. She didn't need him, she never did.
~*~
She stared out at the city below. She couldn't go back inside. She couldn't go back and watch them poke and prode her son, putting him in so much pain. And there was nothing she could do about it. She was crying, her eyes burning from the mix of wind, dust, and salt. She was also shaking. Not from the cold, but from the pure realization that he could have died. He could have died and there was nothing in this world that would ever bring him back. No matter how much pain she would go through, it would never surpass the pain she would feel if he didn't make it. If he didnt live. He was on a ventilator. He was stable. But he wasn't breathing on his. She wanted to there, to stand by him, to hold his hand, to talk to him. Like she had seen patients do before her, and she had just simply pushed them away, shrugged them off. Now she knew the real threat. The thought that if they held on the physical, they could hold on forever. She just contiuned to hold on to her coffee, breathing in slowly and surely. Just trying to keep calm, trying to stay strong. She knew this was the beginning. She wouldn't be able to hold herself up any longer. She would slowly begin to crumble, one little rock at a time, and then she would be hopeless. Lost back in her old world of despair and pessimism. It wasn't like it was a choice. She was forced into it. Everyone always says pick your own mood. It's not that easy. She doesn't exactly have anything to be happy or excited about. She was now walking around the roof, dodging the pipes, a mechanical motion, like an old grandfather clock. She looked up when she heard the door slam. It was Carter. He looked about same as her, except maybe a little mad.
"Why did you call me?"
She shut her eyes. It never even came to her, she called Susan, automatically. She always trusted Susan.
"I don't know."
She saw him look down at the floor, shaking any thought of yelling at her out of his head, probably.
"Are you okay?"
She nodded her head, heading for the no reply, but quickly changed her mind. Yeah. She would make it through. Somehow.
"How is he?"
She started walking farther away from him as if she wouldn't hear any bad words or the ultimate words she's been gearing herself up for, but will never fully accept.
"Dr. Morrison is in with him now."
Dr. Morrison. Wasn't he head of oncology?
"Oncology?"
She saw him look out into space, a million miles away.
"He has leukemia."
Her world came crashing down. Everything started spinning, her world falling apart. What was she supposed to do, how long had he had it, how hadn't she noticed? Why did it have to happen to him. Why couldn't the powers that be just leave her the hell alone? Hadn't she been through enough? Why did this world have to be so cruel? She had finally pulled her life together, had two wonderful kids, and now everything came back down. She hadn't felt like this since, since the day Carter left.
"What strain?"
She racked her brain for everything she remembered from her oncology rotation. Some strains of leukemia where stronger than others, others were fatal within a year.
"The same Bobby had."
She closed her eyes. Carter's brother. He died from leukemia. She felt her heart stop beating. Anything else to add to make sure she fell and fell hard? Anything else to make her world more of a living hell? She looked at him, tears falling down freely from his eyes. All she could do is just stand there. She couldn't believe the situation. She couldn't believe what was going on. She couldn't stop looking for someone to blame. She blamed him. He held the gene. She wished she had never met him. Her life would have been completley different. She would have been unhappy but somehow managed to pull herself together, with or without him. Nothing had ever gone right with him. Why did she decide to give him a chance. She never should have crossed that line. Ever.
"You did this to him."
Her voice came out hard and violent, a scream over the bussle of the city, a few ground below. She felt her tears start falling again, she had so much rage, at herself, at him, at the world, boiling up inside of her, yet she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she just stood there, staring at him in disbelief.
"You did this to my son."
She saw his look of shock, of the beginnings of rage, then the face of acceptance.
"Abby.."
No. She needed to get away from him. Farther away from him than she ever thought possible.
"Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"
Her voice was now a scream, determined, commanding.
"Abby, please, just listen to me."
He didn't deserve to be listened to.
"Leave me the hell alone."
She kept on moving backwards with ever step forward he took. She needed to gain more distance. She needed to be left alone.
"Abby..."
She didn't pay attention to his pleas. She didn't want any of it. She looked up at him, he had gained more ground than she had though. He was only a few feet away from her, but she looked him straight in the eyes.
"I wish I had never met you. My life would have been better without you."
She saw the instant pain, the instant torture she had inflicted upon him. She felt no remorse. Her son was in a hospital room a few floors underneath her fighting for his life because of him. He didn't deserve compassion or sympathy. He deserved to suffer. Suffer like she had years before, suffer like her son was right now. She watched him walk back to the door, he didn't hesitate, he didn't turn around. He was bound to leave her alone. Forever, would be the best possible way. To get out of her life once and for all. She didn't need him, she never did.