Chapter forty-four: Give and Take
Philip sat there, waiting, trying to be patient and understanding. He could feel her soft hand underneath his, positioned against his lap, with what felt like some hesitation. He studied her, noticing that she was dressed very casually in old jeans, a long multi colored sweater and a blue jacket, with her hair hanging down loosely and she was wearing little makeup. He liked seeing her that way, so natural. After years of knowing her, he knew she barely went out without makeup and spent her time worrying about all those other things girls seemed to always focus on. But here she was so simply made up and he thought she looked great: vulnerable, pretty, that inner strength peeking through, and just like herself.
Mimi studied Philip, knowing he was waiting for her to speak, to tell him the truth, but right now she was just enjoying being close to him again, feeling the warmth from his touch. She noticed his blue jeans, his red sweatshirt and the blue jacket he was wearing, his golden blonde hair falling in front of his face. He was so good looking; for the longest time they had just been friends and she had never thought of him in any special way. He was just Philip. But now.
"I.first of all I want you to know I didn't want to knock you down that night. I just.I needed to get you away from me. But I didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
Philip saw the sincerity in her jade eyes and heard the pain in her voice. He wanted to reassure her, but he also needed to be honest. That was something their friendship had always been built upon: honesty.
"I was just so shocked that night, the way you were acting. I can't lie to you. It did hurt me. I believe you when you say you didn't mean it, but that night I just felt awful."
"Me too. I was trying to push you away, figuratively I mean. I thought you would just forget about me."
Philip looked at her with disbelief. "Forget about you?"
Mimi looked at him uncertainly. "Yeah. I thought I could just forget about you too, but I was wrong. Well, I thought I could forget about us going out together. I honesty thought you would just let it go at that. I didn't think you would decide that we shouldn't be friends anymore."
Philip defended himself. "What else could I do? Everything you said hurt so much and I was so tired that night. I was looking forward to just being with you."
"You were?"
"Yeah. Of course. Mimi, I still don't get it. I mean, first we were talking about going to the movies. Then you were telling me you didn't want to see me anymore. What happened in between?"
"I saw you."
Philip had to sit forward to hear her because she was speaking so quietly. He looked at her confusedly. "You saw me?"
"Yeah.with her."
"With.?" Philip started to question, then remembered, remembered the reason why he had been so tired that night, the person he had talked to that night, leaving him pretty much emotionally exhausted, drained, with his emotions on edge. That was it. That had to be it. She saw them together. The look in her eyes told him he was right.
"You saw me talking to Chloe on the docks?"
"Yes."
"That's why you were so upset?"
"I saw you two kiss."
Philip sighed, covering his mouth with his hand, then letting it drop back down near his side, moving his other hand away from her. "Oh Mimi, it was a goodbye kiss. We were saying goodbye to each other. That's all. Why didn't you just tell me that you saw us together?"
"Why didn't you tell me you were going to go see her?"
Philip sat there and thought about it. "You're right. I should have said something to you, but I knew you were so anxious about the subject of Chloe. I just wanted to wait till we were alone so I could tell you in a way that wouldn't hurt you. Mimi you had to know, you had to realize that Chloe and I weren't getting back together. I mean Brady was even there and he didn't think anything about it."
"He probably knew what was going on. I didn't."
"I'm sorry. I realize now I should have just told you. But Mimi, after a while you must have known that Chloe and I weren't getting back together.I mean after everything that happened at the cabin didn't you realize that?"
She saw the disbelief in his eyes, how he still didn't understand everything. "I know you weren't getting back together with her. I saw Brady there too, though he didn't see me. You were so secretive. You wouldn't tell me what you were going to go do. Then I'm taking a walk, thinking about going out with you that night and I see you with her. I saw you kissing her." Her voice started to break. "It just hurt so much..."
Philip reached out for her hand again, holding it in his. "Mimi ,the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you." He spoke to her with feeling. "But you have to realize I'm always going to care about Chloe. She was my first love. Would you rather I be the type that's with someone and then just forgets about them?"
"No, of course not. It's just.you made me promise. Remember, what you made me promise you in the cabin?"
Philip looked at her questioningly, then thought back.recalling the words he had spoken to her.
"Yeah, I remember. I told you to never settle for second best. What does that have to do with this?"
She spoke shakily. "I didn't want to just be second best."
Philip replied excitedly. "But you weren't! Why would you think.?" He looked into her eyes and saw there the truth.
He let go of her hand, staring at her. "What, you thought I was using you? That I couldn't have Chloe so I just would move onto the next best thing?!"
"I didn't think you were doing it intentionally. I just thought you would end up thinking it was a mistake, and that everything would just fall apart, including our friendship."
"Mimi."
She continued on, wanting to get everything out, stopping him from speaking.
"I mean, look at how you were with her. You didn't hold back at all. You just dived head first into that relationship without any reservations, but with us, you wanted to take it slow. And she was just so perfect and everything, but me.how could I ever compete with that? With what you guys had and with what she was to you? I was so scared that you would never feel the same way as me. With Shawn and Kevin, it had just been a crush or something to show off, but with you.I barely have even talked to Belle about it. I mean you loved Chloe so much! How could you ever feel that way about me?"
Philip heard in her voice how upset she was, how she was trying to get everything out in one breath. Allison had been right. Mimi did feel threatened by Chloe and she had been protecting herself. However.
"Oh Mimi. You know, when we started walking home together, the last thing I was thinking about was getting into another relationship. It was so safe because you were just my friend. I never realized it was going to lead to more, that I was going to start caring about you as more than just a friend."
He thought of when she told him about that night she was homeless and Chloe had found her on the streets. She admitted she had acted desperate that night.
"I guess you didn't really want that." She said sadly.
"No, I didn't. I was still thinking that someday Chloe and I would get back together."
"Of course." She said flatly.
Philip squeezed her hand gently, then let go.
"But after a while, after spending time with you, laughing with you, talking with you, learning with you. I slowly started to realize I didn't really even want that anymore. You talk about my relationship with Chloe like it was so perfect, but the truth is."
He stood up, turning his back to her, holding onto the railing of the swings. "It wasn't."
"But."
He turned back to face her, his eyes a little sad as he recounted what it had been like. "It all started with one secret after another. I was the one who was on the docks with her that night, you know.the mystery guy?"
"Why am I not surprised?"
Philip smiled a little at her reaction. "Yeah, well we talked and we started actually communicating with each other, but then I called her up later and asked her to not tell anyone about it. That definitely blew it. Then I lost that stupid bet and I had to take her to the dance. I was so upset when I came to pick her up and she was in that black cloak. All I could think about was my precious reputation." Philip added ashamedly. "Then she revealed that red dress and.well contrary to popular belief that wasn't why I started liking her. I had already started liking her way before.from the moment I met her I felt something. I just didn't admit it. After I saw her in that dress though, I finally started admitting it.to everyone, including myself. Then she found out about the bet and I thought I had lost her forever."
"I remember. You were so upset, unable to stop looking for her."
"Yeah. And somehow she actually forgave me. I was in such a rush. We got back together right away. Around that same time. she started to get to know Brady, and I was just so insanely jealous. Before I knew it, I was falling in love, and it had nothing to do with any red dress, let me tell you. I thought she was beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. I thought she was perfect. I told her it all the time."
"I bet she loved that."
"No Mimi. She hated it. She didn't want to be called perfect and she didn't want a jealous overbearing boyfriend."
"You didn't mean it. You just cared about her and wanted to be with her. If she was so unhappy why didn't she just say something about it?" Mimi had responded angrily, not wanting Philip to continue to take the blame.
Philip smiled mildly. "It wasn't just her. It was me too. We both hung on because with the bad times there were good times.great times. Unfortunately, the bad times started outweighing the good. It just seemed like we kept hurting each other. I didn't think of that though. I just got so obsessed and I totally lost myself, so I hung on to the relationship desperately. I mean my parents weren't together anymore, all that stuff happened with my dad in Paris, my house caught on fire.Chloe was all I really had."
Mimi looked up at him pointedly. "That's not true. You had your friends too, including me. I know I did so many horrible things to Chloe, but I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think. I was just selfish. I have my reasons for not liking her, having to do with how she treats people some times, but I am sorry."
Philip saw the sincerity in her eyes and smiled at her reassuringly. "I know you are Mimi. Maybe I just shouldn't have brought up all this stuff with Chloe. I might just be making it worse, but I think we need to talk about this. I think it can help us start dealing with this."
Mimi spoke quietly. "It's okay. Just go on."
Philip studied her for a second, but continued.
"I was getting more and more jealous, but we were still together. I thought we would be together forever. Then around the time of the Last Blast, Chloe got secretive about her summer plans. By that time I was dealing with the fact that my Mom was working in a diner, remember?"
"I think I remember people talking about it at school."
"Well it embarrassed me, but also I didn't want people looking down upon her, people like Nicole, someone who would just love humiliating my mother. It probably made me look self-centered and some of it was me being selfish, but mostly I was just concerned about my Mom. I didn't want people making fun of her and laughing at her."
Mimi could hear the emotion in his voice and felt bad instantly. She had been so caught up with hers and Jan's plans to hurt Chloe that she hadn't really thought about some of the things Philip was having to deal with at the time.
"Philip I'm so sorry. You were already so upset and then you had to deal with seeing your girlfriend exposed."
She went on excitedly, though with no joy.
"I knew it was wrong.a part of me always knew what we were doing was just so horrible. A couple of times I even tried to talk Jan out of it, but I was stupid and I listened to her. I can't just blame Jan though. It wasn't all her fault. I went along with it. I just feel lucky that you, Belle and Shawn forgave me."
Philip sighed. "You made a mistake Mimi which I also did that night. I saw those pictures and I just.I should have been there for her, but I. I just lost it. I left her and then I let her have it, as you know. I called her all those stupid things and then you told me the truth. I knew I blew it, but I."
"You didn't give up on her because you still loved her."
"Yeah. You remember all the island stuff and everything. I thought I was going to die and."
"Philip." Mimi started to say, knowing that the island would never be an easy topic for him.
Philip attempted a small smile. "It's okay. I'm all right. It's just when I nearly died I knew there was no way I could go on that way, being jealous and obsessive if I lived. When I made it, I decided to let go of Chloe. I realized I had to start living my life for myself. Then you and I started getting closer and it felt so great Mimi."
He smiled at her, walking back over to the swing next to hers and sat down on it again, facing her. "I started learning new things about you that I hadn't realized before, like how you're into photography and how incredibly loyal you can be. Our friendship became so important and later it started to be something more, but I wasn't ready to admit it, to myself or to anyone else. Then we went on that eventful blind date and I didn't like seeing you with someone else. I wanted to be with you."
"I wanted to be with you too."
He smiled and went on. "We went to Boston and I had so much fun with you. Then we got caught up in that blizzard and I was so worried about you that night, that you wouldn't make it, but you were strong and you prevailed."
Mimi protested. "I wasn't strong."
Philip shook his head in response. "Yes you were Mimi. I just wish you could see that."
He continued.
"I was so relieved when I knew you were going to be all right. Then the way you helped me.you don't know how much that meant to me, how you listened to me talk about the island and were there for me. When we kissed, it meant so much after everything we had been through, after waiting for so long. It just felt so right. I knew after that, when we got back to Salem that it was time for me to talk to Chloe, to end it for good, to move on completely. I didn't tell you because I knew you were insecure about it, but now I realize I just should have. I was trying to protect you, to not hurt you, but it probably would have been better if I was honest with you. I just want you to understand Mimi. It wasn't perfect with me and Chloe. Nothing is. There were happy times, but there were so many problems too, and after awhile we started hurting each other more than anything. I'm just glad we ended it before it got any worse, that Chloe and I can now be friends."
"So do you miss being with her? Do you wish things had ended up differently?"
"At first I missed being with her, but I got over it and I'm okay with how things ended up. It just wasn't meant to be, but I'm glad I went through it. I learned a lot. With you though, Mimi, it was different. Like I said before, I wasn't really looking for a relationship."
"Neither was I. I was just trying to figure out how to make it through what I thought was going to be a pretty awful year."
"I know, and then we got closer and it was so great. I saw how strong you were, handling your punishment with a positive attitude, caring about others and learning from your mistakes. I appreciated your honesty and for the first time I felt really happy again. I was feeling somewhat unsure when it started turning to something more, but I was willing to take the chance as long as you were too. Then that night came and you were telling me it meant nothing and it just hurt so much. I started to do the same thing to you that I had done to Chloe that night at the last blast. I felt so sick inside. I knew I just had to get out of there, so before I could say something I would regret forever, I just ended our friendship, needing to just get away from you, from the hurt and pain."
"I honestly thought.I don't know. I mean you can have any girl."
Philip sighed, reaching out for her swing, holding onto the chains to move her closer to him.
"But I don't want any girl, can't you see that? All they care about is the fact that I'm popular and rich. I wanted a friend, someone special, like you, someone who cared about me: Philip, not Philip Kiriakis. And you were that Mimi. You were my friend."
"Were?" Mimi asked fearfully. Was he saying he didn't want to be friends anymore ever again?
"Well I severed our friendship that night, even though I didn't really mean it. I was so hurt. It's just."
"What?"
"How could you think that I would use you like that? I mean, what do you take me for?"
"It wasn't you. It was me. I just ."
Philip finished for her. "But don't you see Mimi, by not believing in yourself, you also didn't believe in me, in us. I know I'm not perfect, but I would never use a friend. I would never let you settle for just second best Mimi. You could never be that to me. I wouldn't allow it."
"So what are you saying?"
Philip ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. You know for the longest time I didn't understand why you ran when you were homeless, but now I'm really starting to get it. You run when you're scared. You do it to protect yourself. I know you and Chloe are probably never going to get along, but in some ways, you two are so much alike. You both run when you feel threatened, when you get scared. You just do it in different ways. But you can't keep running Mimi. Sometimes you just have to stop and face your fears."
"That's easy for you to say. What do you have to be afraid of?"
He looked right into her eyes. "A lot Mimi. I don't want to blow this, make the same stupid mistakes I made with Chloe."
"She made mistakes too. You shouldn't just blame yourself."
Philip smiled. "Do you know how much that means to me Mimi? How you defend me so much? How you won't let me take all the blame? How you're there for me? It's something so special about us I think, how there's so much give and take between us, how nothing's one sided."
"You really think that about us.about me?"
Philip sighed again. "Yes Mimi. I just wish you could see that. You need to start believing in yourself and then maybe you can start believing in us. Don't you see, every time you doubt yourself, you doubt us Mimi."
Mimi listened carefully to what he was saying, relieved that they were really talking to each other again. It made her feel good that he was opening up to her more about Chloe. But something was bothering her.
"So earlier.were you saying you don't want to be friends anymore?"
Philip studied her. "What do you think Mimi? You tell me. Do you think our friendship means enough to fight for it or do you think we should just let it go?"
"I know what it means to me."
"Tell me. What does it mean to you?"
"It means everything to me. I don't like us not talking."
"Now what do you think it means to me?"
"I don't know. I guess."
"You just guess?" Philip asked her incredulously.
"Okay, it should matter to you too, because our friendship is important and it would be a shame if we lost that forever."
Philip finally smiled a little. "That's better."
Mimi looked at him with confusion and a bit of fear. "So what do we do now Philip?"
He answered her slowly.
"It would be so ideal to just go back to the way things were in that cabin, but I honestly don't know if we're ready for that. I mean we hurt each other and I think we both need to heal and hopefully we can help each other."
"Help each other?"
"Yeah. Mimi, you're not the only one who's scared. I am too, but maybe if we're honest and face our fears together, we can finally learn how to deal with them, together. What do you say?"
A part of Mimi felt a little less afraid, knowing she wasn't the only one with fears, that he had them too. Maybe they could help each other. Maybe.
"So how do we do that? How do we start?"
He knew she was looking to him for guidance. He just hoped he was up to the task. He thought about the words he had said earlier: how their relationship was so much give and take. They could do this, if they worked together.
"We take baby steps and we see where it leads us. We start by building our friendship again."
"When?"
He looked up, noticing that the afternoon had started to give way to night, the sky darkening little by little, so much like that first time he had found her walking home alone.
"Now."
He got up from the swing slowly and stood in front of her, holding out his hand to her. Then he asked with a gentle smile.
"Walk you home?"
Mimi looked up at him questioningly, gazing into his eyes, now the color of a peaceful sea. She slowly smiled back, reaching out with her hand to his, closing her eyes happily as she felt him take it.
Philip held onto her hand, pulling her up off the swing, watching her open her eyes again, meeting his, the sparkle back in them.
Then.
Their shoes crunched through the slowly melting snow as they walked home together.
Hand in hand.
****
The rays of hope were finally beginning to enlighten them.strengthening the heart once again.
Philip sat there, waiting, trying to be patient and understanding. He could feel her soft hand underneath his, positioned against his lap, with what felt like some hesitation. He studied her, noticing that she was dressed very casually in old jeans, a long multi colored sweater and a blue jacket, with her hair hanging down loosely and she was wearing little makeup. He liked seeing her that way, so natural. After years of knowing her, he knew she barely went out without makeup and spent her time worrying about all those other things girls seemed to always focus on. But here she was so simply made up and he thought she looked great: vulnerable, pretty, that inner strength peeking through, and just like herself.
Mimi studied Philip, knowing he was waiting for her to speak, to tell him the truth, but right now she was just enjoying being close to him again, feeling the warmth from his touch. She noticed his blue jeans, his red sweatshirt and the blue jacket he was wearing, his golden blonde hair falling in front of his face. He was so good looking; for the longest time they had just been friends and she had never thought of him in any special way. He was just Philip. But now.
"I.first of all I want you to know I didn't want to knock you down that night. I just.I needed to get you away from me. But I didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
Philip saw the sincerity in her jade eyes and heard the pain in her voice. He wanted to reassure her, but he also needed to be honest. That was something their friendship had always been built upon: honesty.
"I was just so shocked that night, the way you were acting. I can't lie to you. It did hurt me. I believe you when you say you didn't mean it, but that night I just felt awful."
"Me too. I was trying to push you away, figuratively I mean. I thought you would just forget about me."
Philip looked at her with disbelief. "Forget about you?"
Mimi looked at him uncertainly. "Yeah. I thought I could just forget about you too, but I was wrong. Well, I thought I could forget about us going out together. I honesty thought you would just let it go at that. I didn't think you would decide that we shouldn't be friends anymore."
Philip defended himself. "What else could I do? Everything you said hurt so much and I was so tired that night. I was looking forward to just being with you."
"You were?"
"Yeah. Of course. Mimi, I still don't get it. I mean, first we were talking about going to the movies. Then you were telling me you didn't want to see me anymore. What happened in between?"
"I saw you."
Philip had to sit forward to hear her because she was speaking so quietly. He looked at her confusedly. "You saw me?"
"Yeah.with her."
"With.?" Philip started to question, then remembered, remembered the reason why he had been so tired that night, the person he had talked to that night, leaving him pretty much emotionally exhausted, drained, with his emotions on edge. That was it. That had to be it. She saw them together. The look in her eyes told him he was right.
"You saw me talking to Chloe on the docks?"
"Yes."
"That's why you were so upset?"
"I saw you two kiss."
Philip sighed, covering his mouth with his hand, then letting it drop back down near his side, moving his other hand away from her. "Oh Mimi, it was a goodbye kiss. We were saying goodbye to each other. That's all. Why didn't you just tell me that you saw us together?"
"Why didn't you tell me you were going to go see her?"
Philip sat there and thought about it. "You're right. I should have said something to you, but I knew you were so anxious about the subject of Chloe. I just wanted to wait till we were alone so I could tell you in a way that wouldn't hurt you. Mimi you had to know, you had to realize that Chloe and I weren't getting back together. I mean Brady was even there and he didn't think anything about it."
"He probably knew what was going on. I didn't."
"I'm sorry. I realize now I should have just told you. But Mimi, after a while you must have known that Chloe and I weren't getting back together.I mean after everything that happened at the cabin didn't you realize that?"
She saw the disbelief in his eyes, how he still didn't understand everything. "I know you weren't getting back together with her. I saw Brady there too, though he didn't see me. You were so secretive. You wouldn't tell me what you were going to go do. Then I'm taking a walk, thinking about going out with you that night and I see you with her. I saw you kissing her." Her voice started to break. "It just hurt so much..."
Philip reached out for her hand again, holding it in his. "Mimi ,the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you." He spoke to her with feeling. "But you have to realize I'm always going to care about Chloe. She was my first love. Would you rather I be the type that's with someone and then just forgets about them?"
"No, of course not. It's just.you made me promise. Remember, what you made me promise you in the cabin?"
Philip looked at her questioningly, then thought back.recalling the words he had spoken to her.
"Yeah, I remember. I told you to never settle for second best. What does that have to do with this?"
She spoke shakily. "I didn't want to just be second best."
Philip replied excitedly. "But you weren't! Why would you think.?" He looked into her eyes and saw there the truth.
He let go of her hand, staring at her. "What, you thought I was using you? That I couldn't have Chloe so I just would move onto the next best thing?!"
"I didn't think you were doing it intentionally. I just thought you would end up thinking it was a mistake, and that everything would just fall apart, including our friendship."
"Mimi."
She continued on, wanting to get everything out, stopping him from speaking.
"I mean, look at how you were with her. You didn't hold back at all. You just dived head first into that relationship without any reservations, but with us, you wanted to take it slow. And she was just so perfect and everything, but me.how could I ever compete with that? With what you guys had and with what she was to you? I was so scared that you would never feel the same way as me. With Shawn and Kevin, it had just been a crush or something to show off, but with you.I barely have even talked to Belle about it. I mean you loved Chloe so much! How could you ever feel that way about me?"
Philip heard in her voice how upset she was, how she was trying to get everything out in one breath. Allison had been right. Mimi did feel threatened by Chloe and she had been protecting herself. However.
"Oh Mimi. You know, when we started walking home together, the last thing I was thinking about was getting into another relationship. It was so safe because you were just my friend. I never realized it was going to lead to more, that I was going to start caring about you as more than just a friend."
He thought of when she told him about that night she was homeless and Chloe had found her on the streets. She admitted she had acted desperate that night.
"I guess you didn't really want that." She said sadly.
"No, I didn't. I was still thinking that someday Chloe and I would get back together."
"Of course." She said flatly.
Philip squeezed her hand gently, then let go.
"But after a while, after spending time with you, laughing with you, talking with you, learning with you. I slowly started to realize I didn't really even want that anymore. You talk about my relationship with Chloe like it was so perfect, but the truth is."
He stood up, turning his back to her, holding onto the railing of the swings. "It wasn't."
"But."
He turned back to face her, his eyes a little sad as he recounted what it had been like. "It all started with one secret after another. I was the one who was on the docks with her that night, you know.the mystery guy?"
"Why am I not surprised?"
Philip smiled a little at her reaction. "Yeah, well we talked and we started actually communicating with each other, but then I called her up later and asked her to not tell anyone about it. That definitely blew it. Then I lost that stupid bet and I had to take her to the dance. I was so upset when I came to pick her up and she was in that black cloak. All I could think about was my precious reputation." Philip added ashamedly. "Then she revealed that red dress and.well contrary to popular belief that wasn't why I started liking her. I had already started liking her way before.from the moment I met her I felt something. I just didn't admit it. After I saw her in that dress though, I finally started admitting it.to everyone, including myself. Then she found out about the bet and I thought I had lost her forever."
"I remember. You were so upset, unable to stop looking for her."
"Yeah. And somehow she actually forgave me. I was in such a rush. We got back together right away. Around that same time. she started to get to know Brady, and I was just so insanely jealous. Before I knew it, I was falling in love, and it had nothing to do with any red dress, let me tell you. I thought she was beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. I thought she was perfect. I told her it all the time."
"I bet she loved that."
"No Mimi. She hated it. She didn't want to be called perfect and she didn't want a jealous overbearing boyfriend."
"You didn't mean it. You just cared about her and wanted to be with her. If she was so unhappy why didn't she just say something about it?" Mimi had responded angrily, not wanting Philip to continue to take the blame.
Philip smiled mildly. "It wasn't just her. It was me too. We both hung on because with the bad times there were good times.great times. Unfortunately, the bad times started outweighing the good. It just seemed like we kept hurting each other. I didn't think of that though. I just got so obsessed and I totally lost myself, so I hung on to the relationship desperately. I mean my parents weren't together anymore, all that stuff happened with my dad in Paris, my house caught on fire.Chloe was all I really had."
Mimi looked up at him pointedly. "That's not true. You had your friends too, including me. I know I did so many horrible things to Chloe, but I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think. I was just selfish. I have my reasons for not liking her, having to do with how she treats people some times, but I am sorry."
Philip saw the sincerity in her eyes and smiled at her reassuringly. "I know you are Mimi. Maybe I just shouldn't have brought up all this stuff with Chloe. I might just be making it worse, but I think we need to talk about this. I think it can help us start dealing with this."
Mimi spoke quietly. "It's okay. Just go on."
Philip studied her for a second, but continued.
"I was getting more and more jealous, but we were still together. I thought we would be together forever. Then around the time of the Last Blast, Chloe got secretive about her summer plans. By that time I was dealing with the fact that my Mom was working in a diner, remember?"
"I think I remember people talking about it at school."
"Well it embarrassed me, but also I didn't want people looking down upon her, people like Nicole, someone who would just love humiliating my mother. It probably made me look self-centered and some of it was me being selfish, but mostly I was just concerned about my Mom. I didn't want people making fun of her and laughing at her."
Mimi could hear the emotion in his voice and felt bad instantly. She had been so caught up with hers and Jan's plans to hurt Chloe that she hadn't really thought about some of the things Philip was having to deal with at the time.
"Philip I'm so sorry. You were already so upset and then you had to deal with seeing your girlfriend exposed."
She went on excitedly, though with no joy.
"I knew it was wrong.a part of me always knew what we were doing was just so horrible. A couple of times I even tried to talk Jan out of it, but I was stupid and I listened to her. I can't just blame Jan though. It wasn't all her fault. I went along with it. I just feel lucky that you, Belle and Shawn forgave me."
Philip sighed. "You made a mistake Mimi which I also did that night. I saw those pictures and I just.I should have been there for her, but I. I just lost it. I left her and then I let her have it, as you know. I called her all those stupid things and then you told me the truth. I knew I blew it, but I."
"You didn't give up on her because you still loved her."
"Yeah. You remember all the island stuff and everything. I thought I was going to die and."
"Philip." Mimi started to say, knowing that the island would never be an easy topic for him.
Philip attempted a small smile. "It's okay. I'm all right. It's just when I nearly died I knew there was no way I could go on that way, being jealous and obsessive if I lived. When I made it, I decided to let go of Chloe. I realized I had to start living my life for myself. Then you and I started getting closer and it felt so great Mimi."
He smiled at her, walking back over to the swing next to hers and sat down on it again, facing her. "I started learning new things about you that I hadn't realized before, like how you're into photography and how incredibly loyal you can be. Our friendship became so important and later it started to be something more, but I wasn't ready to admit it, to myself or to anyone else. Then we went on that eventful blind date and I didn't like seeing you with someone else. I wanted to be with you."
"I wanted to be with you too."
He smiled and went on. "We went to Boston and I had so much fun with you. Then we got caught up in that blizzard and I was so worried about you that night, that you wouldn't make it, but you were strong and you prevailed."
Mimi protested. "I wasn't strong."
Philip shook his head in response. "Yes you were Mimi. I just wish you could see that."
He continued.
"I was so relieved when I knew you were going to be all right. Then the way you helped me.you don't know how much that meant to me, how you listened to me talk about the island and were there for me. When we kissed, it meant so much after everything we had been through, after waiting for so long. It just felt so right. I knew after that, when we got back to Salem that it was time for me to talk to Chloe, to end it for good, to move on completely. I didn't tell you because I knew you were insecure about it, but now I realize I just should have. I was trying to protect you, to not hurt you, but it probably would have been better if I was honest with you. I just want you to understand Mimi. It wasn't perfect with me and Chloe. Nothing is. There were happy times, but there were so many problems too, and after awhile we started hurting each other more than anything. I'm just glad we ended it before it got any worse, that Chloe and I can now be friends."
"So do you miss being with her? Do you wish things had ended up differently?"
"At first I missed being with her, but I got over it and I'm okay with how things ended up. It just wasn't meant to be, but I'm glad I went through it. I learned a lot. With you though, Mimi, it was different. Like I said before, I wasn't really looking for a relationship."
"Neither was I. I was just trying to figure out how to make it through what I thought was going to be a pretty awful year."
"I know, and then we got closer and it was so great. I saw how strong you were, handling your punishment with a positive attitude, caring about others and learning from your mistakes. I appreciated your honesty and for the first time I felt really happy again. I was feeling somewhat unsure when it started turning to something more, but I was willing to take the chance as long as you were too. Then that night came and you were telling me it meant nothing and it just hurt so much. I started to do the same thing to you that I had done to Chloe that night at the last blast. I felt so sick inside. I knew I just had to get out of there, so before I could say something I would regret forever, I just ended our friendship, needing to just get away from you, from the hurt and pain."
"I honestly thought.I don't know. I mean you can have any girl."
Philip sighed, reaching out for her swing, holding onto the chains to move her closer to him.
"But I don't want any girl, can't you see that? All they care about is the fact that I'm popular and rich. I wanted a friend, someone special, like you, someone who cared about me: Philip, not Philip Kiriakis. And you were that Mimi. You were my friend."
"Were?" Mimi asked fearfully. Was he saying he didn't want to be friends anymore ever again?
"Well I severed our friendship that night, even though I didn't really mean it. I was so hurt. It's just."
"What?"
"How could you think that I would use you like that? I mean, what do you take me for?"
"It wasn't you. It was me. I just ."
Philip finished for her. "But don't you see Mimi, by not believing in yourself, you also didn't believe in me, in us. I know I'm not perfect, but I would never use a friend. I would never let you settle for just second best Mimi. You could never be that to me. I wouldn't allow it."
"So what are you saying?"
Philip ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. You know for the longest time I didn't understand why you ran when you were homeless, but now I'm really starting to get it. You run when you're scared. You do it to protect yourself. I know you and Chloe are probably never going to get along, but in some ways, you two are so much alike. You both run when you feel threatened, when you get scared. You just do it in different ways. But you can't keep running Mimi. Sometimes you just have to stop and face your fears."
"That's easy for you to say. What do you have to be afraid of?"
He looked right into her eyes. "A lot Mimi. I don't want to blow this, make the same stupid mistakes I made with Chloe."
"She made mistakes too. You shouldn't just blame yourself."
Philip smiled. "Do you know how much that means to me Mimi? How you defend me so much? How you won't let me take all the blame? How you're there for me? It's something so special about us I think, how there's so much give and take between us, how nothing's one sided."
"You really think that about us.about me?"
Philip sighed again. "Yes Mimi. I just wish you could see that. You need to start believing in yourself and then maybe you can start believing in us. Don't you see, every time you doubt yourself, you doubt us Mimi."
Mimi listened carefully to what he was saying, relieved that they were really talking to each other again. It made her feel good that he was opening up to her more about Chloe. But something was bothering her.
"So earlier.were you saying you don't want to be friends anymore?"
Philip studied her. "What do you think Mimi? You tell me. Do you think our friendship means enough to fight for it or do you think we should just let it go?"
"I know what it means to me."
"Tell me. What does it mean to you?"
"It means everything to me. I don't like us not talking."
"Now what do you think it means to me?"
"I don't know. I guess."
"You just guess?" Philip asked her incredulously.
"Okay, it should matter to you too, because our friendship is important and it would be a shame if we lost that forever."
Philip finally smiled a little. "That's better."
Mimi looked at him with confusion and a bit of fear. "So what do we do now Philip?"
He answered her slowly.
"It would be so ideal to just go back to the way things were in that cabin, but I honestly don't know if we're ready for that. I mean we hurt each other and I think we both need to heal and hopefully we can help each other."
"Help each other?"
"Yeah. Mimi, you're not the only one who's scared. I am too, but maybe if we're honest and face our fears together, we can finally learn how to deal with them, together. What do you say?"
A part of Mimi felt a little less afraid, knowing she wasn't the only one with fears, that he had them too. Maybe they could help each other. Maybe.
"So how do we do that? How do we start?"
He knew she was looking to him for guidance. He just hoped he was up to the task. He thought about the words he had said earlier: how their relationship was so much give and take. They could do this, if they worked together.
"We take baby steps and we see where it leads us. We start by building our friendship again."
"When?"
He looked up, noticing that the afternoon had started to give way to night, the sky darkening little by little, so much like that first time he had found her walking home alone.
"Now."
He got up from the swing slowly and stood in front of her, holding out his hand to her. Then he asked with a gentle smile.
"Walk you home?"
Mimi looked up at him questioningly, gazing into his eyes, now the color of a peaceful sea. She slowly smiled back, reaching out with her hand to his, closing her eyes happily as she felt him take it.
Philip held onto her hand, pulling her up off the swing, watching her open her eyes again, meeting his, the sparkle back in them.
Then.
Their shoes crunched through the slowly melting snow as they walked home together.
Hand in hand.
****
The rays of hope were finally beginning to enlighten them.strengthening the heart once again.