Author's Notes: Long update. Extremely long update. It's almost six pages on my word processor. So yeah. This should be some good reading. It's not a very happy chapter either. Advance warning there. But a really really really good read. So I hope you guys like what's happening, and email me with any reviews. Please!! I live for reviews!!! You know that!! Thanks a bunch. Quick thank you's since I want to get this up ASAP: Kattybaby2318, Missa32189, CarbyLuv, Canard, Mberger88, Sarah, Hyperpiper91, Fuuruma, tina, ER FANatic, Catie, Helen, and last, but not least, Amanda. You guys are great. Along with everyone else that has reviewed!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Ehh, since I've gotten alot of feedback these ways, I'm posting my email and AimSN again cause it seems to work :-) email: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com and AimSN: ChaosTheory137 And I know that I'm leaving alot of other issues and insecurities unresolved, but I promise they will get resolved in the next few chapters.. Just stick with me on this.. Trust me!! It'll all be okay. how many times have you heard this constant blathering over and over again?
She stood outside the door, starring out into space. She didn't have to be in the room, she could feel her daughter's pain. It was as if she was the one getting the procedure as well. She could feel the needle going through every layer, piercing into the bone. The same thing she had just taken a bit of joy from doing to Carter. She couldn't go inside, be with her daughter. It was too much, all at once, way too fast. Carter was in there, doing the procedure. She had heard him telling her that it wouldn't hurt, it would be quick. And she almost broke down when she heard the groan of pain, of fear from inside the room. She paced the floor, refusing to look through the half drawn blinds. She started the stairs, the elevators, the doorway, people going on with their daily lives. Nothing new, nothing old, just routine. She wished her life could be like that. Just routine. She didn't need surprises or anything else. She just wanted a normal, simple life. But she never would get it. Since she was cursed from the first day she was on this planet. The powers that be took an instant disliking to her. And they cursed her ever since.
She couldn't deal with the uncertainty, the pain. She started walking up the stairs. She didn't know where she was headed, but her body obviously knew since it pushed her up, flight after flight. She walked through the familiar hallways, passed the usual rooms and stations. All a part of her life. She reached the wooden doors she loathed before, vowed never to enter. But right now it only seemed right, like it was the only thing she could possible do. She opened the door, and walked in, closing it behind her. The room was dark, the lights dimmed, and candles lit. No one was in there, and under the silence, a simple delicate music played. She had heard it before, but she wasn't exactly sure what it was. She walked towards the front, towards the darker part of the room, and slid slowly into one of the wooden pews. It creaked under her weight. She sat down, starring in front of her at the metal cross hanging from the top of the ceiling. She hadn't been in a chapel, or a church, since she graduated from elementary school. Back then they had mass every week. It was back then that she also realized she didn't believe in god. But right now, god was the only thing she could probably believe in, without being completely disappointed when he didn't come through.
She closed her eyes, letting the place absorb her. She needed to get away mentally, let loose, let everything go. She couldn't cry, but the pain inside her didn't want to lessen. She needed something to hold on to, and for the present moment, this was all that was available. She sat in silence for a long while. Not thinking about anything and everything at the same time. The room was silent, she heard the door creak open, the chaos of the hospital being blocked out as soon as it shut. The footsteps of someone echoed through the sanctuary, almost as it was disrespectful to the aura of silence that was there. She still hadn't looked up, she had opened her eyes, but it didn't matter what happened anymore.
"She's a match."
She heard Carter's voice breaking the silence, cracking it like a bat would break through a windshield. So John had a chance. But not without the risks for Annette. Just because she was a match didn't mean that she was necessarily healthy and ready to go. There were precautions, preparations, and pain to deal with. And she didn't know if she wanted Annette to go through with it. She saw a chart come in front of her.
"I need you to sign the release for the spinal tap."
The most painful of all procedures done on an awake patient. Her hand was trembling, just thinking about how much torture that would be. It wasn't an easy procedure, and sources of error were great. What if they messed up? What if something didn't go right? She could be paralyzed for the rest of her life. But her hand slid over the paper as graciously as it ever did, her signature steady and clear.
"How is she?"
It felt like it had been years since she had last seen her daughter, happy and energetic.
"She wants to see you."
She nodded her head in response. No words seemed appropriate.
"You can't keep blocking her, or me out."
Sometimes blocking people was the only way for her to deal. She could imagine none of it was real, all a dream.
"I'm not blocking you out."
She heard the pew creak when he shifted positions, she was facing her, but she couldn't look up.
"Abby..."
She continued looking out into space, creating a secret wish to be halfway around the world.
"I'm not blocking you out."
Her voice came out stronger and more determined. She was lying more convincingly now. She felt his hand come up to her cheek, turning her head towards him. She avoided eye contact.
"It's all going to be okay."
She wished she could believe him. But he was better at lying and breaking promises than she was.
"I wish I could believe you."
She really wished she could. Anything that would give her a bit of hope to get through this.
"How can I get through to you?"
Hadn't they tried this conversation ten years too late?
"Everything's not going to be okay."
She turned away from him, moving her body farther away from him.
"You've got to believe it's going to get better. That's the only thing you can do right now. But you cannot do what your doing. You've got to talk to me."
She didn't feel the need to spill out her soul to the one person who would probably just leave her when the situation got difficult. He had already proved to her what kind of person he was ten years ago.
"I don't need to talk. Much less to you."
She heard a sigh of frustration escape from him. If she played her cards right, she would either anger him completely or he would get so frustrated he would leave her alone.
"Why the hell do you always have to protect yourself from me? The only thing I want to do is help you."
Now this was reminding her of a different conversation she had a long time ago with a certain other doctor.
"I don't want help."
Another frustrated sigh.
"Look at you! Your falling apart!"
Better falling apart, than being pieced together by him, then he'll just realize he ran out of glue and quickly give up.
"I don't need you."
She was holding back tears at this point, not because of what he was saying, but what she was slowly realizing.
"Figures. You'll never change."
Like a stab taken into her heart. Everything sort of when numb and dizzy for a while.
"I changed. I changed for you. For us. And obviously that got me no where."
She was watching his pace the floor. The room wasn't so holy and quiet anymore.
"I didn't want you to change. I just wanted you to be a better person."
Like hell, you had to change to be a better person.
"Yes, because I wasn't up to your standards..."
She was a disaster waiting to happen. Wait, it already had.
"No. Abby. No. Not because you weren't up to my standards, or because my family might loathe you, I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help make you happy. I knew I could make you happy. But you had to let yourself go. You had to let go of that pessimistic side of you. You can't go through life thinking nothing good will ever happen to you."
Well isn't this speech also ten years too late? Her life was pessimistic. Nothing good had ever happened to her. And when it did, it always came with consequences, or hidden tricks. So might as well be miserable, and when the good subsided, the bad won't surprise her.
"Because it never will."
The third frustrated sigh of the evening.
"You can't act like this. Not now."
She wasn't supposed to listen to him right now. Why should she listen to him?
"I can act any way I want, because I'm going to be the one stuck here."
He was facing his back towards her, and he quickly turned around.
"Would you get it through your head that I'm not going to leave?!?"
Always easier said than done.
"Just like you had said before."
A small, ironical laugh escaped his lips.
"I was going through so much, so fast, and you.. You just weren't helping.. Too many things colliding at once. And I wish I could make you understand but obviously you can't comprehend something far more... fascinating.... than your family."
Her family was the only dependent thing she had.
"It was my family, John."
Her voice was coming out more aggressive with every sentence.
"And she was my grandmother. The only person who actually gave a damn about me."
She bit the inside of her lip, words seems too strange to push into the awkwardness of the situation.
"I gave a damn about you."
That was unexpected, and she was the one saying it.
"Well you obviously didn't show it. You blame me for leaving. But you left. Twice, in fact. I needed you."
She remembered the vague memories of their last weeks together. Nothing but agreements and awkward silences.
"And you gave up on me!"
Now she was growing frustrated. She was already exhausted. This probably wouldn't turn out well.
"There was nothing to give up on! You gave up on yourself."
That part was particularly true. She did give up on herself. Not because she had knowingly wanted to, but because it seemed appropriate. It was the only thing the world did to her anyway. She didn't know what to say. And he just kept on looking at her. Silence once again, the delicate music sounding like a huge orchestra from the first row.
"You know that there hasn't passed a day that I haven't thought about you... The biggest regret of my life was coming back here to find that you had disappeared.. I wanted to give up on life, Abby..."
Way to sweet talk someone. But this wasn't Shakespearean England, and they were definitely not Romeo and Juliet. Far from it.
"And what is that supposed to tell me? Besides the fact that I have a suicidal candidate for a fiancee?"
Her ironic, sarcastic side just appeared out of no where. That was completely unappropriated, and as much, she regretted it the moment it escaped her lips.
"No. It should tell you that I would give up my life for just a second of happiness for you. It should tell you that I love you, and these kids, more than life itself. I have you back in my life, whatever state it may be in, and I'm not letting go. Because you, screwed up with all your insecurities, doubts, and fears, have control over me. You've always had control over me... I wanted to get away from you, detest you, forget you. I never could."
Well she obviously had a better shot at the giving up part than he did. But she never actually full forgot him. Just ignored him until it dropped her line of remembrance.
"What? And you think forgetting you was so easy for me to do? You were the first and only one that I could say I felt pure and honest love for, Carter. You reached places within me that I never thought anyone could. You were the first person to understand me, to stand by me, to not leave when the world was against me! You're the person I compared everyone else to. But I choose a bad comparison."
More than she had ever expected to tell anyone, ever. No one said a word. The air was heavy, almost visible.
"We can't keep doing this. Our children need us. Both of us."
She knew Annette and John needed them. They needed them to act civil, to act whole. To stand right next to them and tell them everything was going to be okay. What a lie. They would be lying through their teeth.
"I need you."
She looked down at the floor. That was it. Nothing more was left of her to see, to uncover. She needed him. She was dependent on him. She never stopped thinking about him. She never stopped loving him. She just needed him right now more than anything. As much as she blamed him. As much as she wanted him to suffer. She only felt safe, calm, true to herself, in his arms. And only his arms.
"You've made it pretty clear to me that you don't need me. You don't want me."
She couldn't look up at him, she was just starring straight ahead into the designs of the stained glass on the windows. She heard the door creak open, and slam shut. Tears began flowing down her eyes, even though she thought she had no more left. This was the one time she had to be weak.
She walked out of the pew, heading towards the door in a slow, but persistent step. The door felt like it weighed three hundred pounds, it didn't want to open. She wanted to convinced herself not to open it. To suck it, and just hold on to everything inside her. Not let go. But it was too late. She was gone. She walked outside the door, watching his white lab coat walk through the hallway.
"John! Please... Just please... don't leave."
She watched him continue to walk, then he stopped slowly, not turning around, not moving. He shifted his body to face her after what felt like forever. He just stood there, and she started walking towards him, distraught and falling apart and she might be right then and there. She didn't know when she got there. She didn't know when she was back in his arms. Something finally felt certain, right, hopeful.
"I love you."
She hadn't said it to him. She had never said it to him. Even when they were together, love was the last emotion, the strongest, the fastest, the hardest, the most fragile. She was just being held by him. Even if it lasted only for a few seconds. She might gain some strength from him.
"I love you, too.... I love you..."
She felt his hands pushing her hair away, his hand running over the small of her back over and over. She couldn't let go. She just couldn't let go. It was now and for forever.
She stood outside the door, starring out into space. She didn't have to be in the room, she could feel her daughter's pain. It was as if she was the one getting the procedure as well. She could feel the needle going through every layer, piercing into the bone. The same thing she had just taken a bit of joy from doing to Carter. She couldn't go inside, be with her daughter. It was too much, all at once, way too fast. Carter was in there, doing the procedure. She had heard him telling her that it wouldn't hurt, it would be quick. And she almost broke down when she heard the groan of pain, of fear from inside the room. She paced the floor, refusing to look through the half drawn blinds. She started the stairs, the elevators, the doorway, people going on with their daily lives. Nothing new, nothing old, just routine. She wished her life could be like that. Just routine. She didn't need surprises or anything else. She just wanted a normal, simple life. But she never would get it. Since she was cursed from the first day she was on this planet. The powers that be took an instant disliking to her. And they cursed her ever since.
She couldn't deal with the uncertainty, the pain. She started walking up the stairs. She didn't know where she was headed, but her body obviously knew since it pushed her up, flight after flight. She walked through the familiar hallways, passed the usual rooms and stations. All a part of her life. She reached the wooden doors she loathed before, vowed never to enter. But right now it only seemed right, like it was the only thing she could possible do. She opened the door, and walked in, closing it behind her. The room was dark, the lights dimmed, and candles lit. No one was in there, and under the silence, a simple delicate music played. She had heard it before, but she wasn't exactly sure what it was. She walked towards the front, towards the darker part of the room, and slid slowly into one of the wooden pews. It creaked under her weight. She sat down, starring in front of her at the metal cross hanging from the top of the ceiling. She hadn't been in a chapel, or a church, since she graduated from elementary school. Back then they had mass every week. It was back then that she also realized she didn't believe in god. But right now, god was the only thing she could probably believe in, without being completely disappointed when he didn't come through.
She closed her eyes, letting the place absorb her. She needed to get away mentally, let loose, let everything go. She couldn't cry, but the pain inside her didn't want to lessen. She needed something to hold on to, and for the present moment, this was all that was available. She sat in silence for a long while. Not thinking about anything and everything at the same time. The room was silent, she heard the door creak open, the chaos of the hospital being blocked out as soon as it shut. The footsteps of someone echoed through the sanctuary, almost as it was disrespectful to the aura of silence that was there. She still hadn't looked up, she had opened her eyes, but it didn't matter what happened anymore.
"She's a match."
She heard Carter's voice breaking the silence, cracking it like a bat would break through a windshield. So John had a chance. But not without the risks for Annette. Just because she was a match didn't mean that she was necessarily healthy and ready to go. There were precautions, preparations, and pain to deal with. And she didn't know if she wanted Annette to go through with it. She saw a chart come in front of her.
"I need you to sign the release for the spinal tap."
The most painful of all procedures done on an awake patient. Her hand was trembling, just thinking about how much torture that would be. It wasn't an easy procedure, and sources of error were great. What if they messed up? What if something didn't go right? She could be paralyzed for the rest of her life. But her hand slid over the paper as graciously as it ever did, her signature steady and clear.
"How is she?"
It felt like it had been years since she had last seen her daughter, happy and energetic.
"She wants to see you."
She nodded her head in response. No words seemed appropriate.
"You can't keep blocking her, or me out."
Sometimes blocking people was the only way for her to deal. She could imagine none of it was real, all a dream.
"I'm not blocking you out."
She heard the pew creak when he shifted positions, she was facing her, but she couldn't look up.
"Abby..."
She continued looking out into space, creating a secret wish to be halfway around the world.
"I'm not blocking you out."
Her voice came out stronger and more determined. She was lying more convincingly now. She felt his hand come up to her cheek, turning her head towards him. She avoided eye contact.
"It's all going to be okay."
She wished she could believe him. But he was better at lying and breaking promises than she was.
"I wish I could believe you."
She really wished she could. Anything that would give her a bit of hope to get through this.
"How can I get through to you?"
Hadn't they tried this conversation ten years too late?
"Everything's not going to be okay."
She turned away from him, moving her body farther away from him.
"You've got to believe it's going to get better. That's the only thing you can do right now. But you cannot do what your doing. You've got to talk to me."
She didn't feel the need to spill out her soul to the one person who would probably just leave her when the situation got difficult. He had already proved to her what kind of person he was ten years ago.
"I don't need to talk. Much less to you."
She heard a sigh of frustration escape from him. If she played her cards right, she would either anger him completely or he would get so frustrated he would leave her alone.
"Why the hell do you always have to protect yourself from me? The only thing I want to do is help you."
Now this was reminding her of a different conversation she had a long time ago with a certain other doctor.
"I don't want help."
Another frustrated sigh.
"Look at you! Your falling apart!"
Better falling apart, than being pieced together by him, then he'll just realize he ran out of glue and quickly give up.
"I don't need you."
She was holding back tears at this point, not because of what he was saying, but what she was slowly realizing.
"Figures. You'll never change."
Like a stab taken into her heart. Everything sort of when numb and dizzy for a while.
"I changed. I changed for you. For us. And obviously that got me no where."
She was watching his pace the floor. The room wasn't so holy and quiet anymore.
"I didn't want you to change. I just wanted you to be a better person."
Like hell, you had to change to be a better person.
"Yes, because I wasn't up to your standards..."
She was a disaster waiting to happen. Wait, it already had.
"No. Abby. No. Not because you weren't up to my standards, or because my family might loathe you, I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help make you happy. I knew I could make you happy. But you had to let yourself go. You had to let go of that pessimistic side of you. You can't go through life thinking nothing good will ever happen to you."
Well isn't this speech also ten years too late? Her life was pessimistic. Nothing good had ever happened to her. And when it did, it always came with consequences, or hidden tricks. So might as well be miserable, and when the good subsided, the bad won't surprise her.
"Because it never will."
The third frustrated sigh of the evening.
"You can't act like this. Not now."
She wasn't supposed to listen to him right now. Why should she listen to him?
"I can act any way I want, because I'm going to be the one stuck here."
He was facing his back towards her, and he quickly turned around.
"Would you get it through your head that I'm not going to leave?!?"
Always easier said than done.
"Just like you had said before."
A small, ironical laugh escaped his lips.
"I was going through so much, so fast, and you.. You just weren't helping.. Too many things colliding at once. And I wish I could make you understand but obviously you can't comprehend something far more... fascinating.... than your family."
Her family was the only dependent thing she had.
"It was my family, John."
Her voice was coming out more aggressive with every sentence.
"And she was my grandmother. The only person who actually gave a damn about me."
She bit the inside of her lip, words seems too strange to push into the awkwardness of the situation.
"I gave a damn about you."
That was unexpected, and she was the one saying it.
"Well you obviously didn't show it. You blame me for leaving. But you left. Twice, in fact. I needed you."
She remembered the vague memories of their last weeks together. Nothing but agreements and awkward silences.
"And you gave up on me!"
Now she was growing frustrated. She was already exhausted. This probably wouldn't turn out well.
"There was nothing to give up on! You gave up on yourself."
That part was particularly true. She did give up on herself. Not because she had knowingly wanted to, but because it seemed appropriate. It was the only thing the world did to her anyway. She didn't know what to say. And he just kept on looking at her. Silence once again, the delicate music sounding like a huge orchestra from the first row.
"You know that there hasn't passed a day that I haven't thought about you... The biggest regret of my life was coming back here to find that you had disappeared.. I wanted to give up on life, Abby..."
Way to sweet talk someone. But this wasn't Shakespearean England, and they were definitely not Romeo and Juliet. Far from it.
"And what is that supposed to tell me? Besides the fact that I have a suicidal candidate for a fiancee?"
Her ironic, sarcastic side just appeared out of no where. That was completely unappropriated, and as much, she regretted it the moment it escaped her lips.
"No. It should tell you that I would give up my life for just a second of happiness for you. It should tell you that I love you, and these kids, more than life itself. I have you back in my life, whatever state it may be in, and I'm not letting go. Because you, screwed up with all your insecurities, doubts, and fears, have control over me. You've always had control over me... I wanted to get away from you, detest you, forget you. I never could."
Well she obviously had a better shot at the giving up part than he did. But she never actually full forgot him. Just ignored him until it dropped her line of remembrance.
"What? And you think forgetting you was so easy for me to do? You were the first and only one that I could say I felt pure and honest love for, Carter. You reached places within me that I never thought anyone could. You were the first person to understand me, to stand by me, to not leave when the world was against me! You're the person I compared everyone else to. But I choose a bad comparison."
More than she had ever expected to tell anyone, ever. No one said a word. The air was heavy, almost visible.
"We can't keep doing this. Our children need us. Both of us."
She knew Annette and John needed them. They needed them to act civil, to act whole. To stand right next to them and tell them everything was going to be okay. What a lie. They would be lying through their teeth.
"I need you."
She looked down at the floor. That was it. Nothing more was left of her to see, to uncover. She needed him. She was dependent on him. She never stopped thinking about him. She never stopped loving him. She just needed him right now more than anything. As much as she blamed him. As much as she wanted him to suffer. She only felt safe, calm, true to herself, in his arms. And only his arms.
"You've made it pretty clear to me that you don't need me. You don't want me."
She couldn't look up at him, she was just starring straight ahead into the designs of the stained glass on the windows. She heard the door creak open, and slam shut. Tears began flowing down her eyes, even though she thought she had no more left. This was the one time she had to be weak.
She walked out of the pew, heading towards the door in a slow, but persistent step. The door felt like it weighed three hundred pounds, it didn't want to open. She wanted to convinced herself not to open it. To suck it, and just hold on to everything inside her. Not let go. But it was too late. She was gone. She walked outside the door, watching his white lab coat walk through the hallway.
"John! Please... Just please... don't leave."
She watched him continue to walk, then he stopped slowly, not turning around, not moving. He shifted his body to face her after what felt like forever. He just stood there, and she started walking towards him, distraught and falling apart and she might be right then and there. She didn't know when she got there. She didn't know when she was back in his arms. Something finally felt certain, right, hopeful.
"I love you."
She hadn't said it to him. She had never said it to him. Even when they were together, love was the last emotion, the strongest, the fastest, the hardest, the most fragile. She was just being held by him. Even if it lasted only for a few seconds. She might gain some strength from him.
"I love you, too.... I love you..."
She felt his hands pushing her hair away, his hand running over the small of her back over and over. She couldn't let go. She just couldn't let go. It was now and for forever.