Author's Notes: Updated. Finally. You guys are probably starting to hate me for not updating!!! I'm soo sorry. I had basketball tryouts. And nope. I'm not on the team. It's actually a good thing right now because i cannot feel either of my ankles, and when I can, it's a tremendous amount of pain, along with my knees, so I'm like it's okay. Anyways this chapter sort of goes everywhere. It's really confusing.. But life is confusing so it works, right? I'm shutting up And Thank You's: Taylor Wise, Hyperpiper91, Helen, Canard, Catie, Fanficwreader (STAT means like hurry the hell up before I get down and kick you in the ass to make you do it faster, but for actual translation, I don't remember... LOL), Rouge Fan, Jane, and everyone else who reviewed but I didn't mention. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!! HUGS AND KISSES!!!! Okay I'm shutting up. I"m in a good mood. No comment on why ;-) Please hit that review button at the end, and I will get a chapter up tomorrow!!!!!! Oh yeah, just a little tidbit, my favorite critique refered to this chapter as the one where Carter feels Abby up, so just randomly gear up for something a little lighthearted, amongst all the angstiness... I'm shutting up. Just read.. Or just skip all these author's notes completely. Random drivel...
~*~
She woke up in the room adjacent to her son's. She rolled her head from side to side, getting out all the knots. She grabbed her pager, and looked at the time. It was 3:47 in the morning. She had slept for almost seven hours, seven hours of much needed sleep. She patted her hair down and tightened the ponytail she had already up. She rolled out of bed, her muscles not wanting to help her move along. She walked to the glass door and slid it open, closing it securely behind her. The lights were off at the glow of the screens and machines was the only thing giving off any forms of light. He looked asleep, a little pale and sulken, but just plainly asleep. She hadn't been able to talk to him within the last several days. The chemo was slowly deteriorating him, getting stronger every day, which meant he got weaker every day. She sat in the chair Carter had left by the bed before he carried her to the other room. She was somewhat awake when started to take her in there, a silent protest, she was just too tired to do or saying anything. She grabbed her son's hand, lacing her long, delicate fingers inbetween his short, almost blue ones. They needed him on more oxygen. The blood wasn't getting to the tips of the fingers or the toes for sure. With her other hand she pushed the hair out of his face, a habit she had of doing. She always told herself she was going to go with him to get it cut, and somehow it always got pushed to the back of her to do list. His lips were chapped, and turning the same blue color as his fingers and toes. But his heartbeat was steady and pulse was stable. So maybe everything was wrong, yet okay at the same time. She pinched her eyes together, trying to get her focus back. She gave his hand a squeeze and lifted herself from the chair. She needed a cup of coffee, and also needed to find something to eat. She hadn't exactly been taking care of herself. There was no time. She leaned over, giving him a kiss on his forehead.
"Hold on, just please hold on."
She covered him with the blanket a bit more and walked backwards towards the door. She hated leaving him. She kept on the thinking it would be the last time she would ever see him alive again. The same thought that haunted her days before. And it always did. She walked out of the cubicle and closed the door behind her. She headed automatically to the ER, her one comfort zone. She walked slowly down the stairs, not being met by the usual hustle and bustle of a city's public ER. It must be a very slow night. She headed straight towards the desk. There Susan and Michelle were playing hangman on the board. Multifunctinal tool. She managed a small smile towards the woman and got compassionate yet friendly looks from both.
"Have you seen Carter anywhere?"
She saw both look at the board, and Susan didn't find anything there. She walked over to the desk and looked at the clipboard.
"He's in exam three."
She pushed her hands into her pockets, digging in deeper.
"Is he with a patient?"
She saw Susan nodd her head no in reply. She uttered a small thanks and headed to the room. She didn't know why she was going there, to be with him. It just felt like the right thing to do. Hopefully he was sleeping, so this sense of dependency or wanting could go away and leave her alone.
She walked through the swing door, the light streaming in through the opening. She saw his eyes were closed and his breaths were gentle and relaxed. She started to back out of the doorway.
"Abby..."
She moved forward, realizing he was actually awake.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
She saw him struggle to get the lamp turned on over the bed.
"I wasn't sleeping, just resting."
She nodded her head, not sure exactly what to say. She saw him rub his eyes, adjusting them to the light. He started sitting up, crossing his legs on the gurney. She headed over to him, crawling over the metal bar that she didn't feel like releasing.
"Where's Annette?"
She had seen her daugther before she had come up to stay with John, and fell asleep.
"Sleeping in curtain one. Susan said she'd keep on eye on her if I promised to get some sleep."
She leaned over, settling her head onto his thigh.
"You're a lier."
A small, short smirk escaped from both of them. She felt him pulling the rubber band out of her hair, letting her locks run freely.
"I liked you as a blonde better."
She was tempted to raise her hand and hit him, but that would take energy and she didn't have any left.
"Why? I remind you of some romance gone wrong?"
She heard a small laugh escape from his throat.
"Not exactly. This little fantasy I had."
She was defintely interested now. She needed a break from everything.
"Care to elaborate?"
She saw him shake his head.
"I'd rather not."
She managed to move her body and give him a shove. A small smile formed on his lips. She felt him curling her hair around his fingers, gently twisting then unraveling. A comfortable silence held them for a while. Both looking in seperate places. She was staring at the wall, outlining the shapes the holes formed. She felt his gaze on her and she turned to look at him.
"What?"
She saw he was smiling.
"You're beautiful."
She turned around so she was lying on her back, her head still on his thigh, his smile still glued to his lips. His fingers ran down her face, tracing her delicate features. She felt chills run up and down her spine from his touch. His arm continued to travel down her neck, over her chest, gently grazing one breast. She was captivated by the control he still had over her. She had her hands on her stomach, and that's where his hand rested, holding her hand in his. She looked up at him.
"I'm sorry."
A surprized look fell onto his face.
"For?"
She felt so at ease for the first time in weeks. Like she could spill her soul and not leave anything behind.
"For not waiting for you."
She held his hand with both her hands, running over his knuckles with her fingers.
"And I'm sorry for leaving you."
The aura of the room collapsed, no hidden walls, no secrets, no lies.
"We're gonna get through this, right?"
She saw him close his eyes, and turn back towards her.
"Together, we can get through anything."
She felt him playing with her left ring finger. Twisting his fingers around it. She reflexively pulled her hand away, pretending to crack her knuckles, loosen her joints. He pulled away in a matter of second as well.
"What time is the surgery?"
She saw him look at his left wrist, watch attached.
"Around nine. Dr. Branders is flying in."
She sat up, pulling her hair back up into a bun.
"Dr. Branders from Harvard?"
She saw him nodd his head.
"He owed me favor."
She bit her bottom lip.
"Must be some hell of a favor."
She saw him begin to tense up.
"You know Dr. Branders?"
She nodded her head.
"Yeah. I worked with him on a study in Boston."
She looked at her pager, hoping a message was waiting for her or something similiar.
"High class..."
She knew him. She had actually published a paper with him, spending at least a few hours with him. But she only knew the professional, unsympathetic side of him. She never even thought about him actually being human.
"Are you scrubbing in?"
She waited for a reply. He was probably playing mental game with himself, whether to be the doctor or the father.
"Yeah. For Annette's."
She nodded her head as if she was approving of his decision.
"And you?"
She had debated with herself day in and day out whether she wanted to be there in the OR with them.
"Yeah. I want to be with John."
She saw the look of disapproval on his face.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
Yes. To her it was. She wanted to be with her son, nothing was going to stop her. She nodded her head hesitantly, biting the inside of her cheek.
"I don't want you in there."
It took a while for him to spit it all out. Sort of forcing something hard on a delicate place. He had no right to tell her if she could scrub in on her own son's surgery.
"You don't have control over me."
At this point she was standing up, pacing the tile floor.
"You won't be able to do anything. You know that."
But she needed to be in there. For her own self assurance.
"Please, Abby... Stay with me...."
She debated taking the chance of scrubing in. But she knew she would only see mistakes every second, getting ready to scream and yell at every little wrong thing. She nodded her head. Her decision hadn't been exactly stable. She would have probably gotten kicked out anyway. Maybe now somehow she would be able to breathe during the 7 hour surgery. Although she pictured herself exactly like she was right now. Arms curled protectively around her body, pacing the floor back and forth. She stopped, starring at the door. She felt Carter's arms wrap around her again. A delicate kiss on her head.
"Thank you."
She closed her eyes.
"Just promise me it will all work out in the end."
She felt him pull her even more towards him.
"I promise."
She eased away from him.
"Not only are you a lier. You're a bad one at that."
She turned around, not exactly mad or frustrated. Just unsure. She pulled the door, and felt the air hit her back when it slammed shut. She headed up towards Oncology's Post Op. She wanted to be with her son for a few hours more before she pushed him out in the middle of the ocean and told him to swim.
~*~
She woke up in the room adjacent to her son's. She rolled her head from side to side, getting out all the knots. She grabbed her pager, and looked at the time. It was 3:47 in the morning. She had slept for almost seven hours, seven hours of much needed sleep. She patted her hair down and tightened the ponytail she had already up. She rolled out of bed, her muscles not wanting to help her move along. She walked to the glass door and slid it open, closing it securely behind her. The lights were off at the glow of the screens and machines was the only thing giving off any forms of light. He looked asleep, a little pale and sulken, but just plainly asleep. She hadn't been able to talk to him within the last several days. The chemo was slowly deteriorating him, getting stronger every day, which meant he got weaker every day. She sat in the chair Carter had left by the bed before he carried her to the other room. She was somewhat awake when started to take her in there, a silent protest, she was just too tired to do or saying anything. She grabbed her son's hand, lacing her long, delicate fingers inbetween his short, almost blue ones. They needed him on more oxygen. The blood wasn't getting to the tips of the fingers or the toes for sure. With her other hand she pushed the hair out of his face, a habit she had of doing. She always told herself she was going to go with him to get it cut, and somehow it always got pushed to the back of her to do list. His lips were chapped, and turning the same blue color as his fingers and toes. But his heartbeat was steady and pulse was stable. So maybe everything was wrong, yet okay at the same time. She pinched her eyes together, trying to get her focus back. She gave his hand a squeeze and lifted herself from the chair. She needed a cup of coffee, and also needed to find something to eat. She hadn't exactly been taking care of herself. There was no time. She leaned over, giving him a kiss on his forehead.
"Hold on, just please hold on."
She covered him with the blanket a bit more and walked backwards towards the door. She hated leaving him. She kept on the thinking it would be the last time she would ever see him alive again. The same thought that haunted her days before. And it always did. She walked out of the cubicle and closed the door behind her. She headed automatically to the ER, her one comfort zone. She walked slowly down the stairs, not being met by the usual hustle and bustle of a city's public ER. It must be a very slow night. She headed straight towards the desk. There Susan and Michelle were playing hangman on the board. Multifunctinal tool. She managed a small smile towards the woman and got compassionate yet friendly looks from both.
"Have you seen Carter anywhere?"
She saw both look at the board, and Susan didn't find anything there. She walked over to the desk and looked at the clipboard.
"He's in exam three."
She pushed her hands into her pockets, digging in deeper.
"Is he with a patient?"
She saw Susan nodd her head no in reply. She uttered a small thanks and headed to the room. She didn't know why she was going there, to be with him. It just felt like the right thing to do. Hopefully he was sleeping, so this sense of dependency or wanting could go away and leave her alone.
She walked through the swing door, the light streaming in through the opening. She saw his eyes were closed and his breaths were gentle and relaxed. She started to back out of the doorway.
"Abby..."
She moved forward, realizing he was actually awake.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
She saw him struggle to get the lamp turned on over the bed.
"I wasn't sleeping, just resting."
She nodded her head, not sure exactly what to say. She saw him rub his eyes, adjusting them to the light. He started sitting up, crossing his legs on the gurney. She headed over to him, crawling over the metal bar that she didn't feel like releasing.
"Where's Annette?"
She had seen her daugther before she had come up to stay with John, and fell asleep.
"Sleeping in curtain one. Susan said she'd keep on eye on her if I promised to get some sleep."
She leaned over, settling her head onto his thigh.
"You're a lier."
A small, short smirk escaped from both of them. She felt him pulling the rubber band out of her hair, letting her locks run freely.
"I liked you as a blonde better."
She was tempted to raise her hand and hit him, but that would take energy and she didn't have any left.
"Why? I remind you of some romance gone wrong?"
She heard a small laugh escape from his throat.
"Not exactly. This little fantasy I had."
She was defintely interested now. She needed a break from everything.
"Care to elaborate?"
She saw him shake his head.
"I'd rather not."
She managed to move her body and give him a shove. A small smile formed on his lips. She felt him curling her hair around his fingers, gently twisting then unraveling. A comfortable silence held them for a while. Both looking in seperate places. She was staring at the wall, outlining the shapes the holes formed. She felt his gaze on her and she turned to look at him.
"What?"
She saw he was smiling.
"You're beautiful."
She turned around so she was lying on her back, her head still on his thigh, his smile still glued to his lips. His fingers ran down her face, tracing her delicate features. She felt chills run up and down her spine from his touch. His arm continued to travel down her neck, over her chest, gently grazing one breast. She was captivated by the control he still had over her. She had her hands on her stomach, and that's where his hand rested, holding her hand in his. She looked up at him.
"I'm sorry."
A surprized look fell onto his face.
"For?"
She felt so at ease for the first time in weeks. Like she could spill her soul and not leave anything behind.
"For not waiting for you."
She held his hand with both her hands, running over his knuckles with her fingers.
"And I'm sorry for leaving you."
The aura of the room collapsed, no hidden walls, no secrets, no lies.
"We're gonna get through this, right?"
She saw him close his eyes, and turn back towards her.
"Together, we can get through anything."
She felt him playing with her left ring finger. Twisting his fingers around it. She reflexively pulled her hand away, pretending to crack her knuckles, loosen her joints. He pulled away in a matter of second as well.
"What time is the surgery?"
She saw him look at his left wrist, watch attached.
"Around nine. Dr. Branders is flying in."
She sat up, pulling her hair back up into a bun.
"Dr. Branders from Harvard?"
She saw him nodd his head.
"He owed me favor."
She bit her bottom lip.
"Must be some hell of a favor."
She saw him begin to tense up.
"You know Dr. Branders?"
She nodded her head.
"Yeah. I worked with him on a study in Boston."
She looked at her pager, hoping a message was waiting for her or something similiar.
"High class..."
She knew him. She had actually published a paper with him, spending at least a few hours with him. But she only knew the professional, unsympathetic side of him. She never even thought about him actually being human.
"Are you scrubbing in?"
She waited for a reply. He was probably playing mental game with himself, whether to be the doctor or the father.
"Yeah. For Annette's."
She nodded her head as if she was approving of his decision.
"And you?"
She had debated with herself day in and day out whether she wanted to be there in the OR with them.
"Yeah. I want to be with John."
She saw the look of disapproval on his face.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
Yes. To her it was. She wanted to be with her son, nothing was going to stop her. She nodded her head hesitantly, biting the inside of her cheek.
"I don't want you in there."
It took a while for him to spit it all out. Sort of forcing something hard on a delicate place. He had no right to tell her if she could scrub in on her own son's surgery.
"You don't have control over me."
At this point she was standing up, pacing the tile floor.
"You won't be able to do anything. You know that."
But she needed to be in there. For her own self assurance.
"Please, Abby... Stay with me...."
She debated taking the chance of scrubing in. But she knew she would only see mistakes every second, getting ready to scream and yell at every little wrong thing. She nodded her head. Her decision hadn't been exactly stable. She would have probably gotten kicked out anyway. Maybe now somehow she would be able to breathe during the 7 hour surgery. Although she pictured herself exactly like she was right now. Arms curled protectively around her body, pacing the floor back and forth. She stopped, starring at the door. She felt Carter's arms wrap around her again. A delicate kiss on her head.
"Thank you."
She closed her eyes.
"Just promise me it will all work out in the end."
She felt him pull her even more towards him.
"I promise."
She eased away from him.
"Not only are you a lier. You're a bad one at that."
She turned around, not exactly mad or frustrated. Just unsure. She pulled the door, and felt the air hit her back when it slammed shut. She headed up towards Oncology's Post Op. She wanted to be with her son for a few hours more before she pushed him out in the middle of the ocean and told him to swim.