Author's Notes: Okay this chapter was written because of Helen, so if anyone deserves more kudos, it's her.. I was reading her reviews, and I just had this spark of brillance and just needed to write, and so this is what came out. I also owe Susan a huge number of thanks because she helped me pick some words out.. But I hoep you guys like this chapter. It's a chapter that sort of clarifies things, mixes emotions, and just another really heavy chapter, but hold on to that hope that everything will be okay. Thank you to everyone who reviewed also. I'm so tired right now, I just don't have enough energy to go back and write down everyone's names, but you know who you are, and I love you! Thank you so much!! Oh yeah, umm Kattybaby2318 is just wonderful and she's got a fic going also, Loving You Loosing Something, so I hope you guys would go read that. It's a bit fluffier than mine is right now, and it's just a great story. She's great. We have a fic going together. It's a Carby, and it's coming along pretty well, so check that out: Hate to Love and Back. I'm done with the announcements. No, wait. One more thing, if your a member of Coffee and Pie, go onto the site and for information and help, give them some support on doing the Secret Snowman Fic Exchange. It sounds like a great idea...Now I'm done. Thanks for reading and just thank you.
She stood on the roof, her usual spot, shivering. It was freezing, and little gusts of snowflakes intertwined themselves in her hair. She needed to get away from the hospital. The rooms, the smells, the sounds, everything. She wanted to be somewhere else. She wanted to be ten million miles away, sitting on a beach near some deserted island, anywhere but here. Far away from the truth, the words that she would hear within the next few minutes. That both her children were dead. That they couldn't save John, that they didn't have enough time. He was too weak. That Annette had suffered an infection going under the knife. Not being able to bounce back. Wanting to do what was best, and yet destroying both. It was unfair. Life was so unfair, unkind, surreal. She just wanted it all to be over. Everything. All the pain, the heartbreak, the ache, the tears. To go to a different place, a different time, and never look back. She looked over the edge down onto the city below. A few cars passing, a few lonely souls heading on their ways. No one would know. No one would care. What reason did she have to stay alive? Everything was gone. Everything good in her life was gone, the emptiness and the sadness she had felt before, 10 years before, all coming back to her, engulfing her, controlling her. Why the hell did she come back? This was all her fault. Her kids might still be alive if she hadn't chosen to drag them back to Chicago. If she hadn't spent more time with them, they would be okay. If she hadn't wished that he would still be back here.
It was all his fault.
It was all her own fault.
She needed to stop blaming him and blame herself. She was a lousy mother, a horrible person. Who the hell could ever love her? Want to be sheltered or protected by her? She was worthless, so weak, so breakable, so screwed up. She wasn't worth the time of anyone. She wasn't worth being alive. She kept on playing with herself. It would be so simple, so painless, so quick. So many things could be resolved, so many years of pain all erased in seconds. But she couldn't move. She couldn't move and stood there, only inches from the edge. Tears streaming down her cheeks, the cold biting at her sore eyes, almost stabbing them, inflicting more pain every second. Her arms squeezed around her even more, her small frame shaking more violently by the second. It was all going to be over soon. All of it. She closed her eyes, kneeling down onto the floor, burring her head into her hands, leading down to her lap. She just kept on crying, the world growing dark around her, the lights turning on, the sun setting down. The grey clouds more evident, the snow now coming down in strong gusts.
For an instant she felt a wave of warmth run over her, a wave of comfort. But it was only her imagination. Only her mind preparing for what was going to happen, registering what was going on, wanting to get it over with. Wanting for it to be the one way out, screaming for rest. She was still alone. She was all alone, and that's how she wanted it. It suited her. The stillness of the evening, the rustling of the wind, the sound of death. Of defeat. She was defeated. And she let the tears come down. It kept on being a war, cry a little, strengthen a little. She had no strength. This was the end of the road, the end of eternity.
She stayed there, until she felt nothing more of her body, her pain, her fear. Everything was numbed by the bitter wind and the frozen tears. She felt a hand gently placing itself on her shoulder, and she quickly scattered away, wanting to be with no one. Experience nothing. She heard his gentle sobs, both being broken through the sound of the resonating wind. She didn't dare look up. She couldn't face him, he was the face of death right now. He was the one who stayed and knew. He was the one who was bound to tell her. He was the one she was supposed to be scared of, to fear, to hate.
She wanted to ignore him, maybe postpone the inevitable. If no one told her, maybe she wouldn't' have to believe it. Maybe she could go on living a lie. She didn't want to know. She already knew the answer.
"I'm sorry."
The words were gulped out, almost forced out. Lighter than air, heavier than stone. Meaning nothing, and meaning everything at the same time. Words that didn't symbolize much, yet were more precious than life. They were life. Life that was gone.
She didn't know much. She didn't have to ask. She knew what had happened. How long had she been up there. For how long had they attempted to get them both back? Their fragile bodies both destroyed and ravaged from the torture they had probably endured.
Life wasn't fair to ones who did nothing.
She hadn't deserved this.
She had deserved this.
She deserved everything for who she was. She was unworthy, estranged, dullard person who didn't appreciate what she had. She had so much, and lost it all in one heartbeat. One single heartbeat. Lost everything.
She let herself be picked up and carried off by him. She didn't care where the world took her anymore. It would never be the same. It would never get better. Only worse. Because every morning she would wake up thinking about them. Their laugh, their smiles, their little habits she had grown so used to. It was all over. Her liveliness, her spirit were gone. Blackness and void controlled her. She'd rather sacrifice herself for them. She'd rather they live and she die. They could have had a better life. They could have had everything she didn't, and more. They had a future. She only had the past. Full of pain.
She stood on the roof, her usual spot, shivering. It was freezing, and little gusts of snowflakes intertwined themselves in her hair. She needed to get away from the hospital. The rooms, the smells, the sounds, everything. She wanted to be somewhere else. She wanted to be ten million miles away, sitting on a beach near some deserted island, anywhere but here. Far away from the truth, the words that she would hear within the next few minutes. That both her children were dead. That they couldn't save John, that they didn't have enough time. He was too weak. That Annette had suffered an infection going under the knife. Not being able to bounce back. Wanting to do what was best, and yet destroying both. It was unfair. Life was so unfair, unkind, surreal. She just wanted it all to be over. Everything. All the pain, the heartbreak, the ache, the tears. To go to a different place, a different time, and never look back. She looked over the edge down onto the city below. A few cars passing, a few lonely souls heading on their ways. No one would know. No one would care. What reason did she have to stay alive? Everything was gone. Everything good in her life was gone, the emptiness and the sadness she had felt before, 10 years before, all coming back to her, engulfing her, controlling her. Why the hell did she come back? This was all her fault. Her kids might still be alive if she hadn't chosen to drag them back to Chicago. If she hadn't spent more time with them, they would be okay. If she hadn't wished that he would still be back here.
It was all his fault.
It was all her own fault.
She needed to stop blaming him and blame herself. She was a lousy mother, a horrible person. Who the hell could ever love her? Want to be sheltered or protected by her? She was worthless, so weak, so breakable, so screwed up. She wasn't worth the time of anyone. She wasn't worth being alive. She kept on playing with herself. It would be so simple, so painless, so quick. So many things could be resolved, so many years of pain all erased in seconds. But she couldn't move. She couldn't move and stood there, only inches from the edge. Tears streaming down her cheeks, the cold biting at her sore eyes, almost stabbing them, inflicting more pain every second. Her arms squeezed around her even more, her small frame shaking more violently by the second. It was all going to be over soon. All of it. She closed her eyes, kneeling down onto the floor, burring her head into her hands, leading down to her lap. She just kept on crying, the world growing dark around her, the lights turning on, the sun setting down. The grey clouds more evident, the snow now coming down in strong gusts.
For an instant she felt a wave of warmth run over her, a wave of comfort. But it was only her imagination. Only her mind preparing for what was going to happen, registering what was going on, wanting to get it over with. Wanting for it to be the one way out, screaming for rest. She was still alone. She was all alone, and that's how she wanted it. It suited her. The stillness of the evening, the rustling of the wind, the sound of death. Of defeat. She was defeated. And she let the tears come down. It kept on being a war, cry a little, strengthen a little. She had no strength. This was the end of the road, the end of eternity.
She stayed there, until she felt nothing more of her body, her pain, her fear. Everything was numbed by the bitter wind and the frozen tears. She felt a hand gently placing itself on her shoulder, and she quickly scattered away, wanting to be with no one. Experience nothing. She heard his gentle sobs, both being broken through the sound of the resonating wind. She didn't dare look up. She couldn't face him, he was the face of death right now. He was the one who stayed and knew. He was the one who was bound to tell her. He was the one she was supposed to be scared of, to fear, to hate.
She wanted to ignore him, maybe postpone the inevitable. If no one told her, maybe she wouldn't' have to believe it. Maybe she could go on living a lie. She didn't want to know. She already knew the answer.
"I'm sorry."
The words were gulped out, almost forced out. Lighter than air, heavier than stone. Meaning nothing, and meaning everything at the same time. Words that didn't symbolize much, yet were more precious than life. They were life. Life that was gone.
She didn't know much. She didn't have to ask. She knew what had happened. How long had she been up there. For how long had they attempted to get them both back? Their fragile bodies both destroyed and ravaged from the torture they had probably endured.
Life wasn't fair to ones who did nothing.
She hadn't deserved this.
She had deserved this.
She deserved everything for who she was. She was unworthy, estranged, dullard person who didn't appreciate what she had. She had so much, and lost it all in one heartbeat. One single heartbeat. Lost everything.
She let herself be picked up and carried off by him. She didn't care where the world took her anymore. It would never be the same. It would never get better. Only worse. Because every morning she would wake up thinking about them. Their laugh, their smiles, their little habits she had grown so used to. It was all over. Her liveliness, her spirit were gone. Blackness and void controlled her. She'd rather sacrifice herself for them. She'd rather they live and she die. They could have had a better life. They could have had everything she didn't, and more. They had a future. She only had the past. Full of pain.