Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all its characters are property of Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox and Mutant Enemy and the UPN Network.

Summary: Things have been going just a little too well lately so there must be something wrong.

Spoilers: Up to and including "The Gift".

Distribution: If you want it, here it is, come and get it.  But you better hurry 'cause it's going fast.  Oh yeah, and let me know.

Feedback: Yes, please.

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PART II

BREAKING UP IS NOT QUITE SO HARD TO DO

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"This is so good," said Xander around a mouthful of his sandwich.

Xander and Anya were sitting at Fangio's enjoying their lunch.  It had been so pleasantly warm all day that they had decided to sit outside in the sun.

Xander had arrived a little early, since his boss had suddenly become very liberal in his enforcement of lunch breaks.

"Have a good time, my boy," had been his exact words.  "And if you don't make it back, don't worry about it.  Tomorrow's another day."  Xander had found it very hard to argue with this kind of logic.

And so Xander had made the short trek over to Fangio's, sat down at a table and waited for Anya.  When Anya finally arrived Xander had felt like a second sun had suddenly risen.  Not the bad kind that dries out lands, sends out noxious UV radiation and gives you sunburn, but the kind that warms you up on a chilly day, makes plants grow and creates those amazing sunsets when you sit on the beach.  The kind of sun that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there's more to this planet than vampires and hellgods.

When Anya had appeared nothing else mattered, there was just him and her.  And the food.  Can't forget the food.  Wouldn't be much of a lunch without it, now would it?  He loved her very much.  And the food too.  It was going to be a very good lunch.

And so Xander sat there basking in the glow of his girlfriend and savoring every bite of his sandwich (fried chicken with mozzarella and garlic spread and a plate of curly fries, Xander's favorite), until she finally piped up.

"I think we should break up," she chirped.

For a moment the bite that Xander had been so contentedly chewing got caught in his throat and he regretted never asking Anya if she knew how to perform the Heimlich maneuver.  Luckily the food quickly dislodged itself and Xander swallowed hard.

After a short coughing fit and much clearing of the throat Xander attempted to answer only to find he had temporarily misplaced his voice.  So he tried to communicate with his hands while he went looking his elusive vocal chords.

"There is no need for obscene gestures," Anya said, a little taken aback.  They weren't actually obscene gestures; it was just that Anya still hadn't quite figured out which gestures meant what.  To this day she considered a game of charades as a kind of foreplay.

"We what?" Xander asked aghast, having used the time to hunt down his voice, corner it and drag it back screaming and kicking.  Well, mostly screaming.

"Break up," Anya reiterated.  "I think we should."

"Just like that?" Xander inquired.  "No warnings?  No ultimatums?  You just cooked me a breakfast so big it would put any all-you-can-eat establishment to shame!"

"You looked thin," she shrugged.  "I thought you needed some energy."

"Energy?" Xander sputtered, still not quite believing he was having this conversation.  "What, so you wouldn't have to worry when you dropped this anvil on me?"  Suddenly a thought struck him.  "Is this about getting married?  Because if you don't want to get married, that's okay.  All you need to do is say so."

"No, this is not about marriage," Anya explained.  "I just don't love you anymore."

"You don't love me anymore?" Xander repeated and briefly considered a career as a professional echo.  He'd be good at it.  "You just said you loved me this morning!"

"That was this morning.  I've changed since then.  But you haven't."

"Let me make sure I'm understanding you: You are breaking up with me because I haven't changed since this morning but you have," Xander stated carefully.

"Exactly!" Anya nodded.  "I'm a very different person now.  I'm not the same girl that you fell in love with.  I've grown since then."  And just for good measure she added, "It's not you, it's me."

Xander waited for a moment to make sure that Anya had exhausted her movie breakup clichés.

"Is it because I didn't finish your food?"

"Will you stop with the food already?" Anya shot back.  "It has nothing to do with breakfast.  Or any other meal for that matter."  She gave Xander a second to digest this, and allow me a chance to make a terrible pun.  "Besides I think you should be with Buffy anyway."

"Excuse me, but has it slipped your mind that Buffy is dead?" Xander asked.  "Has been for nearly a year now.  Remember we went to the funeral?  Hole in the ground, lots of people wearing black, all the crying, more than the occasional mention of ashes and dust?  All that ring any bells?"

"I know she's dead," Anya said, her mood being surprisingly patient and perky, as if she was just humoring her soon to be ex-boyfriend.  "But hey, maybe she'll get better," she added in her best Monty Python accent.

"Okay, so now you're breaking up with me on the off chance that Buffy, dead Buffy, who just for the record was not even attracted to me when she was alive, will suddenly get better!" Xander retorted.  "Forgive me if I don't draw much comfort from this."

"Ah, don't be so grumpy."

"And why, pray tell, shouldn't I be?" Xander inquired.

"Well, do you love me?" Anya asked.

"No, but that's not the point."

Anya knew there was no reason to reply to that.  She just arched her eyebrows and let Xander mull things over for a moment.

"Okay," Xander finally conceded, "Maybe that's part of the point.  But you can't just break up with me like this."

"Why not?" Anya asked.

"Because I wanted to break up with you," Xander whined.  "I had it all worked out in my head."

"Really?" Anya said excitedly.  "What were you going to say?"

"Pretty much the same things you said.  Movie clichés and all."  Xander hung his head in defeat.

There was a short silence between them in which they both just looked at their half eaten lunches before them.  Nothing terribly exciting happened in those moments.

Finally Xander looked up again.  "Well, that went rather well, don't you think?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, marvelous," Anya agreed.

"Didn't you think I was a little heavy on the drama?" Xander worried.

"No, no, it was very good," Anya assured him.  "Very believable"

"Really?" he said cheering up visibly.  "Thanks!"  There was another short pause.  "So I guess I'll see you around then?" Xander ventured.

"Yeah, I'll see you around," Anya answered.

They stood up, shook hands and Anya took her leave.

Xander re-parked his bum, sat there for a moment wondering if he was just in denial and grief was going to hit him full force any second now.  But nothing happened and Xander found that he felt quite pleased and happy.  Also very hungry and now he even had Anya's leftovers for himself.

***

Lucy was standing on the other side of the street from Xander and surveying him through a pair of binoculars.  Next to her stood Bill, whose mood had not at all brightened since that morning.

"This is all very wrong," said Bill.

"Yeah, and somebody needs to teach that boy some table manners," added Lucy.

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