Title: The Harry Potter Boys discover SLASH (part 2)
Author: Shi
Rating: PG-13/R
WARNINGS: SLASH hints (mwahahaha, I get to be eeeeeeeeevil), teenage boys/girls acting on hormones. Stupid ness. And me. =D
Pairings: *stares* Oh, my. Lots?
Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's marvellous characters are © of her. Also not owning the Kumagorou biimu. But we won't get into that.
A/N: Fear the sequel to what was a one shot. XD I'm amazingly grateful for ALL reviews! *glomps minna* WAI~~ zaaankkk yuuuuuu! BTW; I don't intend to continue this after the forthcoming instalment, unless I get some amazing brainwave idea. .-. Sorry. ---- All over the school of Hogwarts, the students were awakening. For most, it was a bright and cheerful Saturday morning, filled with visits to Hogsmeade and pranks. And homework.
For others; the morning was filled with these very things, and some others that might not make the day so bright.
Enough of the cheerful happy yay introduction, lets just got see how our boys are doing, right? When Harry Potter awoke on this bright and cheerful Saturday morning, he got the shock that very nearly ended his sixteen years of Voldemort ass busting life.
"ARRRGH! HOLY SHIT! What the HELL is MALFOY doing with his ARM WRAPPED around my frigging WAIST?!"
Of course, this panicked girlish screaming woke the blonde boy who, as mentioned before, had one of his delicate arms wrapped around the Boy Who Lived's skinny little waist.
More panicked girlish screaming. Which got worse when both discovered they were quite, in fact, fully naked. And in the Prefects bathroom of all places.
And there were no memories of the night before to accompany their strange position.
"I'm gonna kill your gay ass Potter!" Of course this was probably the most hysterical reaction (but then; who wouldn't attempt to rip the limbs off your worst enemy after you find them in bed with you?) of all the SLASH co drug guinea pigs. Ronald Weasley awoke, and at first thought the person in bed next to him was the girl he lusted after, Hermione Granger.
But then, mistaking Justin Finch-Fletchly as Hermione Granger could be a mistake punishable by death from Hermione herself (that, or just the lack of being able to reproduce correctly).
"Aiya…" Ron murmured, poking his bed buddy to a state of consciousness and wondering what on Earth could have been slipped in his pumpkin juice the night before.
"Justin, I like you and all, but if you would kindly remove your hand from my rear end and get out of…this unexplained bed."
Justin, who was usually not so outgoing, smirked at Ron, and whispered "That's not what you were saying last night" into the red heads ear.
Of course, this shocked more than just Ron, as, yes, SLASH co insists on "monitoring" all their products progress, and with a drug as unstable as the SLASH drug you have to get the best people to monitor it. Then there's also the perverted persons view, and I suppose that was the reason all guinea pigs were monitored so damn closely.
So, the drugs hadn't worn off Justin quite yet. Maybe they react better with the shyest of folk. Seamus Finnigan found himself very stiff when he woke up, but then, he had been sleeping on the floor. It appeared that Dean had kicked him off the abandoned classrooms desk sometime in the middle of the night.
Thankfully, he as fully clothed and so not cold as well as stiff. But he did have a hangover like headache, making him wonder what the hell was going on.
With a shrug, he pulled himself off the classrooms dusty floor, pushed Dean off the desk in retaliation and left the classroom on a quest for Advil. Finally, there was Crabbe and Goyle, who both woke up, looked at each other, grunted and went back to sleep. Well, at least someone was happy with the results. *** It was like Knights of the Round table, although instead of men wearing armour, it was crazy fangirls (and some boys) crowded round a table. This, my friends, was SLASH co. And they were plotting their next evil move to infiltrate the school of Hogwarts and plant some SLASH drugs for mass testing.
"So, we have a problem with memory loss?"
There was a nod from one of the smarter of the fans. "Considerable. All those no longer under the influence cannot remember their…deeds of the past hours."
"Damn. Where's the fun in that?"
"Well, in the observation room, it was rather amusing to see Draco chase Harry around naked attempting to 'kill' him."
Several people got nosebleeds and fainted at this revelation.
"But that was the only nekkidness we had!"
A fight broke out, no one was quite sure what it was about, but it involved strangling in order to get footage of THE Draco Malfoy naked.
"PEOPLE! PEOPLE! Never fear! When has SLASH co EVER let you down?-Well apart from not finishing Draco Diaries…but meh--"
Everyone stopped to look at the ranting and raving girl who was standing on the table. She pushed her glasses up her nose and glared. "--I have adjusted the oh so wonderful drug for improvements in the field of nekkidness and snogging. And I have a cunning plan. A very cunning plan!" At this she fell off the table.
People looked sceptical. The girl in question who had 'altered' the drug for better was Shi, who was known for doing nothing but sitting on her lazy ass in front of the computer all day. Who did nothing but write stupid pointless fics--
"Okay okay, that's enough of that," Shi glared at the narrator.
"What is you're oh so great cunning plan, eh?"
"We infiltrate the school and sell the drugs as candy! I hear Dumbledore is looking for a new tuck shop owner as the past one went nutty and held one of the pupils hostage with a nutty nut bar."
o.O was the general response to THAT.
"Whoooooseeeee with me?!" Shi bounced around waving her hands in the air. There was no response, so the lazy girl grabbed the first person she saw (otherwise known as Vay) and dashed out of the room to bring evil…er SLASH drugs to Hogwarts. *** "I don't understand why you don't want to go too Hogsmeade!" Hermione Granger exasperated at her friends (yeah, that makes no sense, meh). "Don't you WANT to go to Zonko's? Dung bombs…stupid little joke things."
Ron and Harry looked at Hermione as though she was from another planet.
It was now mid-morning, and both boys had managed to escape (in different ways) from their compromising situations that had come about earlier.
Harry was sporting bruises, a possible concussion and a bite mark on his left thigh. His mind wandered backwards in time…and he remembered how his little escapade had ended with Draco.
The blonde Slytherin had been attempting to kill dear Mr Potter, when they had both very suddenly felt something take over their brains (to those who are not enlightened, this was a side effect of the SLASH Drug) and an impromptu wrestling squabble had taken place…where they had both ended up in the bath, snogging. That was where the concussion had come from, as well as the bruises.
Then the "feeling" that had overtaken them wore off, and Draco had bitten the closest part of Harry too him (aka, Harry's left thigh) to stop the dark haired boy's hands from their wandering.
In the present time, Harry quite unexpectedly lodged himself off his path and made his way into a brick wall, where he proceeded to bang his head, thus making his concussion worse.
Hermione squeaked and attempted to pry Harry away from his wall, whereas Ron kept walking, wondering how someone as weak and skinny as Justin had managed to be on top.
He was quite sore.
Of course, neither boy was sure why they had acted as they had done or what had made them act as they had done.
Ron secretly blamed it on the chicken. Harry blamed his cursed life and Malfoy's ability to look good in a dress (hey, after what had happened; he couldn't help but imagine it).
And…neither of them had told Hermione of their activities…or each other for that matter.
Hermione managed to bring Harry back to the straight and narrow path of not killing himself by Hogwarts wall and proceeded with her conversation, mainly with herself.
"Sooooooo," She skipped around to face her friends, "What did Dumbledore say to you last night? Neville told me none of you boys came back to the dormitories! I do hope you weren't doing anything dangerous!"
Harry froze at the mention of 'last night' and continued with his brick wall bashing. Ron stared at Hermione.
"We had chicken."
From the reactions of her friends, Hermione could tell it wasn't as simple as eating chicken, but decided not to ask and rescued Harry's head once again.
"Harry, you're dumb enough, don't give yourself brain damage!" She squawked at the semi-conscious boy hero.
But, Harry barely had time to respond when Hermione dropped him to the floor and pointed excitedly at the re-opened tuck shop.
"Wheee! Its open again!" Hermione had missed her nutty nut bar fix, stupid tuck shop owner…going insane.
Both she and Ron ran over to the shop, which was already crowded with children for unknown reasons.
Harry lay forgotten on the floor. Hermione pushed her way to the front (boy, those nutty nut bars must be addictive) and was greeted with the smiling faces of two evil looking girls.
Yes, well, Hermione was let down by the fact that there was no nutty nut bars in sight, and was very tempted to leave.
"Nuuu! Nuuu!" The girl with the glasses protested, "You must try these! Better than nutty nut bars and only half the insanity!"
Well, that sounded better than spending your life in St Mungo's for a chocolate bar.
Hermione accepted the Slashy SLASH bar with greed and ran off too horde it.
"You sound familiar…" Ron said to the girl.
"No! No I don't!" She shoved one of the new candies in Ron's mouth, threw some random produce out and announced it was closing time.
Not that many people noticed, as they were currently 'getting it on' with those of their own sex.
"Now that is just wrong," Vay said, pointing to Ginny, who had her tongue lodged down Millicent Bulstrode's throat.
"GFINAY!" Ron exclaimed and left to dislodge his sister from the Slytherin. *** "I'd never thought I'd see the day in which Blaise Zabini attempted to hump Pansy Parkinson's leg. Honestly Albus, what have you let loose on the school this time?"
"Overweight Taxi Cab Driver Bar-bie!" Dumbledore waved the doll around, earning an odd look from McGonagall. "Ahem- Now, now, Minerva. Does it honestly matter? I'm sure it is just rampant hormones!"
"…In which all students are 'experimenting' with the same sex?" McGonagall asked, an eyebrow raised. I honestly don't know how she didn't see the humour in this…no, wait. I do.
"You let that cooperation experiment with our students again, didn't you?!"
Dumbledore had fallen asleep somewhere in the midst of McGonagall's mini-rant, and was currently snoring and singing 'Dancing Queen' alternately.
"ALBUS!" Minerva lost her patience, and slammed her hands down on the Headmaster's lovely oak desk.
"AHHH! Arm the cannon's lads!" The Headmaster awoke, and said Headmaster looked very shocked. After a moment to calm down, Dumbledore tented his fingers under his chin and looked at his Deputy Head. "Minerva, whatever I choose to do is in the best interest of the school."
McGonagall looked far from convinced. "I thought we had the Anti Mary-Sue card? Why do they need to be here again?"
"We need someone to supply the school with candy. The nice author-girl was very nice to kindly offer to run the tuck shop, on the condition that her company could sell their products."
"Yes. But we have seen what their 'products' can do to the youngsters of this community---"
And as if to illustrate her point, in burst Snape.
A very flustered looking Snape, with added glomping Colin Creevey attached to his back.
"Headmaster!"
*** Yes, indeedy do, it seemed Hogwarts was now rife with passion. In SLASH co Headquarters' loud eruptions of "w00t" and "yesssshhhhh-aaaah!" rang around the large 'Knights of the Round Table'-esque room, as levels of nekkidness reached an all time high (wai *.*).
And the wonderful passion showed no signs of stopping; even after five hours.
"Er- Shi?"
"Yup?"
"Just how much did you 'alter' the drugs?"
"Iunno, I'm not a chemist."
Facefault.
"Should wear off in twenty-four hours!" *** Harry wandered the corridors of Hogwarts. He had noted the odd actions of some of his classmates, but had yet to be subjected to the fevered groping or anything else. He watched as Susan Bones was pushed into a wall by some little fifth year and was snogged. In fact, he didn't just 'watch', he stared wide-eyed.
Everything was beginning to give him an odd sense of dejà-vu. Shaking it off, he hurried on his journey. For some odd reason, after Hermione had dropped him on his head for her chocolate, he had had the urge to apologise to Draco Malfoy and while still following his 'urge' and practically unconscious had picked up one of those chocolate bars the weird girls had thrown out of the shop.
He studied it, with its plain white packaging and bright red logo, everyone sure seemed addicted to them already. He wondered if Malfoy would like it.
Harry was about to walk into a wall again for worrying over Malfoy would think when Ron ran past screaming "ITS DEFINITELY THE BLOODY CHICKEN!" chased by a horde of little third years.
His screaming could be heard far off in the distance as well as the stampeding footsteps of the third years.
"CHICKEN IS EVIL!"
Harry blinked. Once, twice. Then he turned back to the chocolate bar. Chicken, huh?
This was all very confusing, so Harry decided to ignore it all and just get his apology over with.
Luckily, he managed to miss the custards cream trap.
Neville had seemingly gone mad. Insane. Cuckoo. Whatever. O.O;
"Oooo, custard creams." A fellow sixth year reached for one of the nummy treats and was suddenly pounced (custard creams laying innocently on a plate on the floor are far from innocent) by Neville.
"Mwahahaha! I have another! Another! Mine, mine, mine!"
Harry dashed past the little scene.
"Want a custard cream, Harry-kins?" Neville offered the plate towards Harry, while tying up his capture.
"Meep," Harry silently cursed as he felt his eyes go wide again, "er--no, sorry Neville-"
"-kins."
"Erm…-Neville-kins, but, ah…I have to -er- go -oh- count how many -*big blank glazed eyed over silence*- chickens ate the pig!"
"Okay then, Harry-baby. Don't forgot to walk with a swagger, I like it when you do that."
Harry almost fell over…but resisted doing so, when he saw Neville produce more rope.
What was he doing? Ah, yes, right. Malfoy. Mwaha. ***
The darkest corner of Hogwarts, no ray of light could touch this corner, as it was so dark. You couldn't even see your nose if you sat in it. You could say this corner was darker than the dark hole of Calcutta, which of course, it was.
And why the hell are we talking about a corner, you ask? Well…it was so dark you see!
No, seriously. This is where Hermione had horded her collection of SLASHY SLASH bars. Yes, I know she only had one, but they kept appearing in the oddest places (the floor, the girls bathroom, Ginny's bra…) and so now, she was quite content just sitting in the darkest dark corner of Hogwarts scoffing her chocolate.
They were definitely better than Nutty Nut Bars, after all. And everyone seemed to want to pounce her! Well, everyone who was female. Hermione was rather paranoid when the pouncing came about, seeing as the girls' hands tended to wander over the chocolate.
They were hers dammit! Hermione huffily took a chunk out of the bar and chewed, eyes darting around suspiciously.
Yes, indeed. It seems the drugs have a bad effect on the quiet ones.
It's always the quiet ones. *** "DAMN CHICKEN TO A FIREY DEATH…mmm, flamed grilled. Dammit now I'm hungry. GYAH, its got my foot, its got my foot. NO! You cannot have my robes, and …thank you, I know I'm quite the sexy beast but I like…my AHHHHHHHHHHH."
Ron came down; the horde of the third years attacking him and pulling at his already shredded robes.
Ron was screaming and kicking, much like a baby in fact, as one of the third years nibbled on his ear.
"OH DEAR GOD! HONESTLY, you guys, you'd really prefer my sister! She's a slut! She'll give it to anyone!"
This didn't deter the little guys as they continued their fun game of 'Which Piece of Ron Weasley's attire can you get off with your teeth?'.
Ron looked up to the ceiling (as best he could with all his body parts practically pinned to the floor) and saw, through tearful eyes, a glowing mirage, with wavy blond hair and the deepest blue eyes. An angel?
No, wait, it was Seamus.
And why the hell did he have a pink bunny?
"SHAM SHAM!" Ron squealed, reaching for him. "Save me? Please?" For some reason, Ron wanted his limbs. He also wanted to attach himself to the Irish boys head.
Seamus blinked, and without really registering what he was doing, raised the bunny above his head and threw it, screaming "KUMAGOROU BIIIIIIIIIIMUUUUUU NA NO DA!"
It hit one of the third years on the head, rebounded and knocked them all like skittles off of Ron. Now, Ron lay in a sea of unconscious third years, half naked, staring up a Seamus.
"MY BIG SEXY IRISH HERO!" Ron wailed, and yes, he finally was able to attach himself to Seamus' head. "Lets go find a quiet secluded spot where I can thank you, oh Godly one."
They snogged, and I'm not going to elaborate.
Lets just say, SLASH co (especially Vay) are pleased with this result. *** Draco Malfoy had resorted to barricading himself in the bathroom (this brought back bad memories of the night before, although he couldn't remember the night before).
Someone was now hammering on the bathroom door, almost bringing the Malfoy to tears.
"GET LOST BADDOCK. NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO COVER ME IN CHOCOLATE SYRUP SO YOU CAN LICK ME HERE…LICK ME THERE," unknown to Draco, he was pointing at the places the other Slytherin had offered to 'lick' (and probably do much more). "ARRRRGHHHGBDKBSFDYH." Draco whacked his head on the tiled floor, and damned his blond hot-ness. Why did he have to be such a sex god?
"Erm…Malfoy, I didn't want to know that," Harry's jealous sounding voice floated through the door.
…Wait, was that Potter? Yes, yes it was. Draco practically leapt from the floor, opened the door, and pulled Harry inside.
"Are you sane and here to save me?" Draco asked.
"No for the save part and …" Harry stopped to think about his sanity. "No on both counts, actually."
Draco whimpered and climbed into the bathtub. He screamed when Harry offered him the chocolate bar (actually, wonder boy just shoved the white packaging in Draco's face and Draco had been molested one to many times that day and was already on edge).
Harry screamed back, taken aback that Draco was actually screaming. After about five minutes of pointless screaming, they stopped in syndicate.
"Well, that was interesting. I'll have to remember to tell Ron that Malfoy was screaming like a girl in a bathroom."
Draco glared.
"Perhaps not."
Awkward silence.
"Well, Potter. If you're not here to play super hero -although I'm very sure you'd be willing to adorn the tights and cape - why are you attacking me with weird white packages?"
"Ur? Oh this. It's a peace offering," Harry threw it at Draco's head. "And a 'please don't wake up beside me again' gift."
Draco stared at the chocolate bar.
"And if you want me to dress up in tights and a cape, you have to wear a mini dress and play the damsel in distress."
"Don't include me in your fetishes, Potter."
"Fine."
Draco chewed on his chocolate bar (as you can see this is bound to lead to nekkidnessl) and watched Harry play with the toilet seat like it was some miracle creation. Draco reasoned that Harry had just never seen one before.
Chew, chew, munch.
(Bang when the monitor went over in the observation room because someone thought it was broken and kicked it; nothing was happening you see.)
"Potter…darling," Draco drawled, latching himself onto Harry from behind after about half an hour.
"Eh?" Harry fell face first into the toilet seat.
"Won't you come have a bath with me, my baby buckaroo?"
Oh, man, this was not good for the déjà vu. But it was too late, Harry was thrown face first into a miraculously full bubble bath, was made devoid of any type of clothing and left to be molested and snogged to Draco's content.
And so ends the tale of The Potter Boys' (and the rest of Hogwarts) discovering SLASH…
I think. *** "Anou, sorry minna," Shi sweatdropped and waved a hand lamely as a weak apology.
Vay stands glaring, smiling falsely, "Where's the promised lemon?"
"EH? Dirty, dirty, dirty. Erm, yeah, sorry for my ever so crappy ending. XD."
Wait a minute… *** Percy wandered through the halls of Hogwarts, donned in a white lab coat, clip board in hand. "I always get the clean up jobs, don't I?"
He was tallying the amount of SLASH couples created and had so far been glomped, molested and had lost his jeans.
Which is why his lab coat was buttoned up.
"La la la la, hahaha, I wonder if everyone will remember this time?"
Percy was unaware of a certain someone sneaking up on a certain him.
"Come to me, you sexy devil Weasley!"
"Huh? ARGH, Professor Snape!"
Bang. *** "That was fun. What do you wanna do now?"
"Iunno. We have two options."
"And?"
"One, we can finish Draco Diaries."
"…Sounds tempting, but keep going."
"Two, we can torture random characters from Gravitation."
"Cool. So, basically, we're done with this, right?"
"Well, unless everyone wants to hear about the handcuff incident then…"
"No, no! No one wants to hear about the handcuff incident, do they?! Or the pole dancing Draco incident, or the thong Ron incident."
"Lets just go write a RonxSeamus lemon."
"Okay. Bye bye everyone. This is the end. Watch out for the bombs on the way out, they're loaded with SLASH drugs =D". The (very lame) END
Author: Shi
Rating: PG-13/R
WARNINGS: SLASH hints (mwahahaha, I get to be eeeeeeeeevil), teenage boys/girls acting on hormones. Stupid ness. And me. =D
Pairings: *stares* Oh, my. Lots?
Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's marvellous characters are © of her. Also not owning the Kumagorou biimu. But we won't get into that.
A/N: Fear the sequel to what was a one shot. XD I'm amazingly grateful for ALL reviews! *glomps minna* WAI~~ zaaankkk yuuuuuu! BTW; I don't intend to continue this after the forthcoming instalment, unless I get some amazing brainwave idea. .-. Sorry. ---- All over the school of Hogwarts, the students were awakening. For most, it was a bright and cheerful Saturday morning, filled with visits to Hogsmeade and pranks. And homework.
For others; the morning was filled with these very things, and some others that might not make the day so bright.
Enough of the cheerful happy yay introduction, lets just got see how our boys are doing, right? When Harry Potter awoke on this bright and cheerful Saturday morning, he got the shock that very nearly ended his sixteen years of Voldemort ass busting life.
"ARRRGH! HOLY SHIT! What the HELL is MALFOY doing with his ARM WRAPPED around my frigging WAIST?!"
Of course, this panicked girlish screaming woke the blonde boy who, as mentioned before, had one of his delicate arms wrapped around the Boy Who Lived's skinny little waist.
More panicked girlish screaming. Which got worse when both discovered they were quite, in fact, fully naked. And in the Prefects bathroom of all places.
And there were no memories of the night before to accompany their strange position.
"I'm gonna kill your gay ass Potter!" Of course this was probably the most hysterical reaction (but then; who wouldn't attempt to rip the limbs off your worst enemy after you find them in bed with you?) of all the SLASH co drug guinea pigs. Ronald Weasley awoke, and at first thought the person in bed next to him was the girl he lusted after, Hermione Granger.
But then, mistaking Justin Finch-Fletchly as Hermione Granger could be a mistake punishable by death from Hermione herself (that, or just the lack of being able to reproduce correctly).
"Aiya…" Ron murmured, poking his bed buddy to a state of consciousness and wondering what on Earth could have been slipped in his pumpkin juice the night before.
"Justin, I like you and all, but if you would kindly remove your hand from my rear end and get out of…this unexplained bed."
Justin, who was usually not so outgoing, smirked at Ron, and whispered "That's not what you were saying last night" into the red heads ear.
Of course, this shocked more than just Ron, as, yes, SLASH co insists on "monitoring" all their products progress, and with a drug as unstable as the SLASH drug you have to get the best people to monitor it. Then there's also the perverted persons view, and I suppose that was the reason all guinea pigs were monitored so damn closely.
So, the drugs hadn't worn off Justin quite yet. Maybe they react better with the shyest of folk. Seamus Finnigan found himself very stiff when he woke up, but then, he had been sleeping on the floor. It appeared that Dean had kicked him off the abandoned classrooms desk sometime in the middle of the night.
Thankfully, he as fully clothed and so not cold as well as stiff. But he did have a hangover like headache, making him wonder what the hell was going on.
With a shrug, he pulled himself off the classrooms dusty floor, pushed Dean off the desk in retaliation and left the classroom on a quest for Advil. Finally, there was Crabbe and Goyle, who both woke up, looked at each other, grunted and went back to sleep. Well, at least someone was happy with the results. *** It was like Knights of the Round table, although instead of men wearing armour, it was crazy fangirls (and some boys) crowded round a table. This, my friends, was SLASH co. And they were plotting their next evil move to infiltrate the school of Hogwarts and plant some SLASH drugs for mass testing.
"So, we have a problem with memory loss?"
There was a nod from one of the smarter of the fans. "Considerable. All those no longer under the influence cannot remember their…deeds of the past hours."
"Damn. Where's the fun in that?"
"Well, in the observation room, it was rather amusing to see Draco chase Harry around naked attempting to 'kill' him."
Several people got nosebleeds and fainted at this revelation.
"But that was the only nekkidness we had!"
A fight broke out, no one was quite sure what it was about, but it involved strangling in order to get footage of THE Draco Malfoy naked.
"PEOPLE! PEOPLE! Never fear! When has SLASH co EVER let you down?-Well apart from not finishing Draco Diaries…but meh--"
Everyone stopped to look at the ranting and raving girl who was standing on the table. She pushed her glasses up her nose and glared. "--I have adjusted the oh so wonderful drug for improvements in the field of nekkidness and snogging. And I have a cunning plan. A very cunning plan!" At this she fell off the table.
People looked sceptical. The girl in question who had 'altered' the drug for better was Shi, who was known for doing nothing but sitting on her lazy ass in front of the computer all day. Who did nothing but write stupid pointless fics--
"Okay okay, that's enough of that," Shi glared at the narrator.
"What is you're oh so great cunning plan, eh?"
"We infiltrate the school and sell the drugs as candy! I hear Dumbledore is looking for a new tuck shop owner as the past one went nutty and held one of the pupils hostage with a nutty nut bar."
o.O was the general response to THAT.
"Whoooooseeeee with me?!" Shi bounced around waving her hands in the air. There was no response, so the lazy girl grabbed the first person she saw (otherwise known as Vay) and dashed out of the room to bring evil…er SLASH drugs to Hogwarts. *** "I don't understand why you don't want to go too Hogsmeade!" Hermione Granger exasperated at her friends (yeah, that makes no sense, meh). "Don't you WANT to go to Zonko's? Dung bombs…stupid little joke things."
Ron and Harry looked at Hermione as though she was from another planet.
It was now mid-morning, and both boys had managed to escape (in different ways) from their compromising situations that had come about earlier.
Harry was sporting bruises, a possible concussion and a bite mark on his left thigh. His mind wandered backwards in time…and he remembered how his little escapade had ended with Draco.
The blonde Slytherin had been attempting to kill dear Mr Potter, when they had both very suddenly felt something take over their brains (to those who are not enlightened, this was a side effect of the SLASH Drug) and an impromptu wrestling squabble had taken place…where they had both ended up in the bath, snogging. That was where the concussion had come from, as well as the bruises.
Then the "feeling" that had overtaken them wore off, and Draco had bitten the closest part of Harry too him (aka, Harry's left thigh) to stop the dark haired boy's hands from their wandering.
In the present time, Harry quite unexpectedly lodged himself off his path and made his way into a brick wall, where he proceeded to bang his head, thus making his concussion worse.
Hermione squeaked and attempted to pry Harry away from his wall, whereas Ron kept walking, wondering how someone as weak and skinny as Justin had managed to be on top.
He was quite sore.
Of course, neither boy was sure why they had acted as they had done or what had made them act as they had done.
Ron secretly blamed it on the chicken. Harry blamed his cursed life and Malfoy's ability to look good in a dress (hey, after what had happened; he couldn't help but imagine it).
And…neither of them had told Hermione of their activities…or each other for that matter.
Hermione managed to bring Harry back to the straight and narrow path of not killing himself by Hogwarts wall and proceeded with her conversation, mainly with herself.
"Sooooooo," She skipped around to face her friends, "What did Dumbledore say to you last night? Neville told me none of you boys came back to the dormitories! I do hope you weren't doing anything dangerous!"
Harry froze at the mention of 'last night' and continued with his brick wall bashing. Ron stared at Hermione.
"We had chicken."
From the reactions of her friends, Hermione could tell it wasn't as simple as eating chicken, but decided not to ask and rescued Harry's head once again.
"Harry, you're dumb enough, don't give yourself brain damage!" She squawked at the semi-conscious boy hero.
But, Harry barely had time to respond when Hermione dropped him to the floor and pointed excitedly at the re-opened tuck shop.
"Wheee! Its open again!" Hermione had missed her nutty nut bar fix, stupid tuck shop owner…going insane.
Both she and Ron ran over to the shop, which was already crowded with children for unknown reasons.
Harry lay forgotten on the floor. Hermione pushed her way to the front (boy, those nutty nut bars must be addictive) and was greeted with the smiling faces of two evil looking girls.
Yes, well, Hermione was let down by the fact that there was no nutty nut bars in sight, and was very tempted to leave.
"Nuuu! Nuuu!" The girl with the glasses protested, "You must try these! Better than nutty nut bars and only half the insanity!"
Well, that sounded better than spending your life in St Mungo's for a chocolate bar.
Hermione accepted the Slashy SLASH bar with greed and ran off too horde it.
"You sound familiar…" Ron said to the girl.
"No! No I don't!" She shoved one of the new candies in Ron's mouth, threw some random produce out and announced it was closing time.
Not that many people noticed, as they were currently 'getting it on' with those of their own sex.
"Now that is just wrong," Vay said, pointing to Ginny, who had her tongue lodged down Millicent Bulstrode's throat.
"GFINAY!" Ron exclaimed and left to dislodge his sister from the Slytherin. *** "I'd never thought I'd see the day in which Blaise Zabini attempted to hump Pansy Parkinson's leg. Honestly Albus, what have you let loose on the school this time?"
"Overweight Taxi Cab Driver Bar-bie!" Dumbledore waved the doll around, earning an odd look from McGonagall. "Ahem- Now, now, Minerva. Does it honestly matter? I'm sure it is just rampant hormones!"
"…In which all students are 'experimenting' with the same sex?" McGonagall asked, an eyebrow raised. I honestly don't know how she didn't see the humour in this…no, wait. I do.
"You let that cooperation experiment with our students again, didn't you?!"
Dumbledore had fallen asleep somewhere in the midst of McGonagall's mini-rant, and was currently snoring and singing 'Dancing Queen' alternately.
"ALBUS!" Minerva lost her patience, and slammed her hands down on the Headmaster's lovely oak desk.
"AHHH! Arm the cannon's lads!" The Headmaster awoke, and said Headmaster looked very shocked. After a moment to calm down, Dumbledore tented his fingers under his chin and looked at his Deputy Head. "Minerva, whatever I choose to do is in the best interest of the school."
McGonagall looked far from convinced. "I thought we had the Anti Mary-Sue card? Why do they need to be here again?"
"We need someone to supply the school with candy. The nice author-girl was very nice to kindly offer to run the tuck shop, on the condition that her company could sell their products."
"Yes. But we have seen what their 'products' can do to the youngsters of this community---"
And as if to illustrate her point, in burst Snape.
A very flustered looking Snape, with added glomping Colin Creevey attached to his back.
"Headmaster!"
*** Yes, indeedy do, it seemed Hogwarts was now rife with passion. In SLASH co Headquarters' loud eruptions of "w00t" and "yesssshhhhh-aaaah!" rang around the large 'Knights of the Round Table'-esque room, as levels of nekkidness reached an all time high (wai *.*).
And the wonderful passion showed no signs of stopping; even after five hours.
"Er- Shi?"
"Yup?"
"Just how much did you 'alter' the drugs?"
"Iunno, I'm not a chemist."
Facefault.
"Should wear off in twenty-four hours!" *** Harry wandered the corridors of Hogwarts. He had noted the odd actions of some of his classmates, but had yet to be subjected to the fevered groping or anything else. He watched as Susan Bones was pushed into a wall by some little fifth year and was snogged. In fact, he didn't just 'watch', he stared wide-eyed.
Everything was beginning to give him an odd sense of dejà-vu. Shaking it off, he hurried on his journey. For some odd reason, after Hermione had dropped him on his head for her chocolate, he had had the urge to apologise to Draco Malfoy and while still following his 'urge' and practically unconscious had picked up one of those chocolate bars the weird girls had thrown out of the shop.
He studied it, with its plain white packaging and bright red logo, everyone sure seemed addicted to them already. He wondered if Malfoy would like it.
Harry was about to walk into a wall again for worrying over Malfoy would think when Ron ran past screaming "ITS DEFINITELY THE BLOODY CHICKEN!" chased by a horde of little third years.
His screaming could be heard far off in the distance as well as the stampeding footsteps of the third years.
"CHICKEN IS EVIL!"
Harry blinked. Once, twice. Then he turned back to the chocolate bar. Chicken, huh?
This was all very confusing, so Harry decided to ignore it all and just get his apology over with.
Luckily, he managed to miss the custards cream trap.
Neville had seemingly gone mad. Insane. Cuckoo. Whatever. O.O;
"Oooo, custard creams." A fellow sixth year reached for one of the nummy treats and was suddenly pounced (custard creams laying innocently on a plate on the floor are far from innocent) by Neville.
"Mwahahaha! I have another! Another! Mine, mine, mine!"
Harry dashed past the little scene.
"Want a custard cream, Harry-kins?" Neville offered the plate towards Harry, while tying up his capture.
"Meep," Harry silently cursed as he felt his eyes go wide again, "er--no, sorry Neville-"
"-kins."
"Erm…-Neville-kins, but, ah…I have to -er- go -oh- count how many -*big blank glazed eyed over silence*- chickens ate the pig!"
"Okay then, Harry-baby. Don't forgot to walk with a swagger, I like it when you do that."
Harry almost fell over…but resisted doing so, when he saw Neville produce more rope.
What was he doing? Ah, yes, right. Malfoy. Mwaha. ***
The darkest corner of Hogwarts, no ray of light could touch this corner, as it was so dark. You couldn't even see your nose if you sat in it. You could say this corner was darker than the dark hole of Calcutta, which of course, it was.
And why the hell are we talking about a corner, you ask? Well…it was so dark you see!
No, seriously. This is where Hermione had horded her collection of SLASHY SLASH bars. Yes, I know she only had one, but they kept appearing in the oddest places (the floor, the girls bathroom, Ginny's bra…) and so now, she was quite content just sitting in the darkest dark corner of Hogwarts scoffing her chocolate.
They were definitely better than Nutty Nut Bars, after all. And everyone seemed to want to pounce her! Well, everyone who was female. Hermione was rather paranoid when the pouncing came about, seeing as the girls' hands tended to wander over the chocolate.
They were hers dammit! Hermione huffily took a chunk out of the bar and chewed, eyes darting around suspiciously.
Yes, indeed. It seems the drugs have a bad effect on the quiet ones.
It's always the quiet ones. *** "DAMN CHICKEN TO A FIREY DEATH…mmm, flamed grilled. Dammit now I'm hungry. GYAH, its got my foot, its got my foot. NO! You cannot have my robes, and …thank you, I know I'm quite the sexy beast but I like…my AHHHHHHHHHHH."
Ron came down; the horde of the third years attacking him and pulling at his already shredded robes.
Ron was screaming and kicking, much like a baby in fact, as one of the third years nibbled on his ear.
"OH DEAR GOD! HONESTLY, you guys, you'd really prefer my sister! She's a slut! She'll give it to anyone!"
This didn't deter the little guys as they continued their fun game of 'Which Piece of Ron Weasley's attire can you get off with your teeth?'.
Ron looked up to the ceiling (as best he could with all his body parts practically pinned to the floor) and saw, through tearful eyes, a glowing mirage, with wavy blond hair and the deepest blue eyes. An angel?
No, wait, it was Seamus.
And why the hell did he have a pink bunny?
"SHAM SHAM!" Ron squealed, reaching for him. "Save me? Please?" For some reason, Ron wanted his limbs. He also wanted to attach himself to the Irish boys head.
Seamus blinked, and without really registering what he was doing, raised the bunny above his head and threw it, screaming "KUMAGOROU BIIIIIIIIIIMUUUUUU NA NO DA!"
It hit one of the third years on the head, rebounded and knocked them all like skittles off of Ron. Now, Ron lay in a sea of unconscious third years, half naked, staring up a Seamus.
"MY BIG SEXY IRISH HERO!" Ron wailed, and yes, he finally was able to attach himself to Seamus' head. "Lets go find a quiet secluded spot where I can thank you, oh Godly one."
They snogged, and I'm not going to elaborate.
Lets just say, SLASH co (especially Vay) are pleased with this result. *** Draco Malfoy had resorted to barricading himself in the bathroom (this brought back bad memories of the night before, although he couldn't remember the night before).
Someone was now hammering on the bathroom door, almost bringing the Malfoy to tears.
"GET LOST BADDOCK. NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO COVER ME IN CHOCOLATE SYRUP SO YOU CAN LICK ME HERE…LICK ME THERE," unknown to Draco, he was pointing at the places the other Slytherin had offered to 'lick' (and probably do much more). "ARRRRGHHHGBDKBSFDYH." Draco whacked his head on the tiled floor, and damned his blond hot-ness. Why did he have to be such a sex god?
"Erm…Malfoy, I didn't want to know that," Harry's jealous sounding voice floated through the door.
…Wait, was that Potter? Yes, yes it was. Draco practically leapt from the floor, opened the door, and pulled Harry inside.
"Are you sane and here to save me?" Draco asked.
"No for the save part and …" Harry stopped to think about his sanity. "No on both counts, actually."
Draco whimpered and climbed into the bathtub. He screamed when Harry offered him the chocolate bar (actually, wonder boy just shoved the white packaging in Draco's face and Draco had been molested one to many times that day and was already on edge).
Harry screamed back, taken aback that Draco was actually screaming. After about five minutes of pointless screaming, they stopped in syndicate.
"Well, that was interesting. I'll have to remember to tell Ron that Malfoy was screaming like a girl in a bathroom."
Draco glared.
"Perhaps not."
Awkward silence.
"Well, Potter. If you're not here to play super hero -although I'm very sure you'd be willing to adorn the tights and cape - why are you attacking me with weird white packages?"
"Ur? Oh this. It's a peace offering," Harry threw it at Draco's head. "And a 'please don't wake up beside me again' gift."
Draco stared at the chocolate bar.
"And if you want me to dress up in tights and a cape, you have to wear a mini dress and play the damsel in distress."
"Don't include me in your fetishes, Potter."
"Fine."
Draco chewed on his chocolate bar (as you can see this is bound to lead to nekkidnessl) and watched Harry play with the toilet seat like it was some miracle creation. Draco reasoned that Harry had just never seen one before.
Chew, chew, munch.
(Bang when the monitor went over in the observation room because someone thought it was broken and kicked it; nothing was happening you see.)
"Potter…darling," Draco drawled, latching himself onto Harry from behind after about half an hour.
"Eh?" Harry fell face first into the toilet seat.
"Won't you come have a bath with me, my baby buckaroo?"
Oh, man, this was not good for the déjà vu. But it was too late, Harry was thrown face first into a miraculously full bubble bath, was made devoid of any type of clothing and left to be molested and snogged to Draco's content.
And so ends the tale of The Potter Boys' (and the rest of Hogwarts) discovering SLASH…
I think. *** "Anou, sorry minna," Shi sweatdropped and waved a hand lamely as a weak apology.
Vay stands glaring, smiling falsely, "Where's the promised lemon?"
"EH? Dirty, dirty, dirty. Erm, yeah, sorry for my ever so crappy ending. XD."
Wait a minute… *** Percy wandered through the halls of Hogwarts, donned in a white lab coat, clip board in hand. "I always get the clean up jobs, don't I?"
He was tallying the amount of SLASH couples created and had so far been glomped, molested and had lost his jeans.
Which is why his lab coat was buttoned up.
"La la la la, hahaha, I wonder if everyone will remember this time?"
Percy was unaware of a certain someone sneaking up on a certain him.
"Come to me, you sexy devil Weasley!"
"Huh? ARGH, Professor Snape!"
Bang. *** "That was fun. What do you wanna do now?"
"Iunno. We have two options."
"And?"
"One, we can finish Draco Diaries."
"…Sounds tempting, but keep going."
"Two, we can torture random characters from Gravitation."
"Cool. So, basically, we're done with this, right?"
"Well, unless everyone wants to hear about the handcuff incident then…"
"No, no! No one wants to hear about the handcuff incident, do they?! Or the pole dancing Draco incident, or the thong Ron incident."
"Lets just go write a RonxSeamus lemon."
"Okay. Bye bye everyone. This is the end. Watch out for the bombs on the way out, they're loaded with SLASH drugs =D". The (very lame) END