I am back! I was busy with my finals and graduation and what not. Now it's officially summer break!
Jaderising
Summary: Baby, slap, nose bleed, time, Peter, Blood, laugh, Voldemort, and ooooh.
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Chapter 15: Drowning Secrets
Year 1980 Sirius Black:"Where were you?" I asked him as he came home. He looked terrible, but I reminded myself that I was angry, angry at him especially. And drunk. Very drunk, indeed. I had been celebrating with James and Peter. "Where were you?" I asked again. He stared at me as if I had asked the oddest thing. That made me angry. Well, angrier.
Where did you go again? I asked him silently. Where did you without telling me again? What is going on? What the hell is going on with you?
"Work, sorry Sirius, I didn't call." He mumbled his lies. He wasn't in the library, when I had apparated to fetch him nine, no ten hours ago.
"Did you know that you are the most irresponsible man I have ever known! You've just become an uncle to little Harry! You've missed everything! Lily was furious! James was furious! And I was...Merlin...I... And-and you were not there!"
He was staring at me without a response. As if I wasn't really there at all He was ignoring me again. I remembered how he used to not see me when we were in our first year. He had ignored me completely back then. I had never been ignored, and he ignored me. And he was doing it again. That made me really really pissed off. Drunk and pissed off, never good.
"What the hell is wrong with you!" I shouted at him, and he didn't even flinch at the sound. He was just not there.
I raised my hand without thinking.
Remus Lupin:My head snapped back, and I fell slumped, stunned. That was the first time Sirius had slapped me. He had never raised his hand against me, even in our first year in Hogwarts. I remembered his cold shoulders and taunting very well, but he had never…ever… Of course, he was capable of many things, such as almost making the killer of me, but…
I had been very tired. Frankly, I had felt as if I were nearly dead.
It had been only a moment ago, I had left the library. After transported back from the safe house of you-know… I didn't know what I was feeling, really. I think I was in shock. Yes, in shock, and it was Sirius who had literally slapped me back to the reality.
I could feel my eyes tearing up, not from the slap, but from the devastating truth of it all. I was fighting to accept it, while I was there with…him. I had truly did not believe in my heart, but after I had left him, it was sinking in. Rapidly. And it was dragging me down. Drowning… And it shattered my existence.
I was the son of Voldemort. I was the son of the most feared killer. I was the son of the killer of all those families. And oh Merlin, James and Sirius's family…and it was Sirius, who stood before me, with those accusing blue eyes. As if he already knew I was the guilty one. I was guilty of all those crimes. It had all begun because of my carelessness. If only, I had not been wondering that night!
I struggled to breath…drowning…falling… It was different than my narcoleptic attacks, which I would never have again. This felt more desperate, confusing, urgent. I couldn't see. It was a blur.
"Oh Merlin, Remus." That was all Sirius said (and it was all it took to bring me back), when he saw that I was crying. He was sorry of course. He must have thought that I was crying because he had slapped me, but I wasn't. I didn't even feel his slap compare to what I had already been feeling.
I let Sirius clean me up. It was least I could do. He was feel guilty and it made him feel better that he was in charge of patching things up with me. I didn't even notice the blood that had trickled down from my nose, until Sirius was wiping it clean with a handkerchief. I was so tired. My body felt not like my own. As if I was out of my body, can't feel my own bloody body, yet trapped inside it. I don't know if I could explain it very well.
I just stared at him, working so attentively with guilty face. I didn't feel any resentment toward him. If he had only known, he would have killed me. Of course, I wouldn't feel any resentment toward him for slapping me. I knew I deserved much worst. Much much worst.
Finally, Sirius felt satisfied with fixing my nose bleed, and he said, "What I did was wrong, Remus. I-I was just…I wasn't thinking. I am so stressed lately. I can't think straight. The Ireland was brutal. And I had to come back early, when James owled me about…Lily and the labor. And you weren't here, and I called the library, and you weren't there either. I guess I was just scared. I love you. You know that. You know that, Remus." He was looking at me. I could feel his eyes begging to be acknowledged. And of course, I knew he loved me. I nodded, "Yes."
Satisfied with the answer he went on, "I thought maybe something had happened to you. I thought I don't know what I was thinking. But I do know this, Remus. I do everything because I love you. And that's the honest to Merlin truth."
Sirius was rambling on again, but I didn't really hear him after that. I felt sick. Physically sick to my stomach. His voice and words somehow became Voldemort's voice and words. And didn't matter how much I tried to shake out of the trance.
Voldemort was trembling around me, his arms were tightening as if he never wanted to let go of me. And I did believe his reason. How could I hate him now. How could I call him a monster and the evil wizard, when all he did was for me.
But join him?
How could I do that to myself, Mr. Stafford, Professor Dumbledore, my friends… How could I?
He understood my turmoil as only a father could. He stared back at me with those strong eyes and gave me time, the time I wished was never given to me.
"You are my heir; my blood; you are my son, and nothing you can do will change that. Nothing anyone can do. You have endured prejudices and persecutions because of who you are and what you are from the very people, who you wanted to protect with your very own life.
I was an orphan, Remus, and I know the life of loneliness and being an outsider just like you. My father was a bastard and the scum of all. He had abandoned my mother and me to the wolves. The wizardling world is never too kind to an unmarried witch. She was shunned from her family and she was shunned from the others. She died shortly after I was born. It was in my seventh year when I found out the reason why.
"She had died from the lack of proper nutrition. She had been starving to death for six months of her life."
Voldemort took in a deep breath, calming himself. "Nobody had a thought to give basic food to my mother. I never got to know her, because nobody cared for her. Nobody.
I've told myself, my own son would never go through what I have been through. But the fate has been too cruel to me.
Ministry has dark history, Remus, you must know. You are no longer a child, you must have realized the unpleasant reality of real world. Ministry is a failure. It couldn't even help a hungry witch. Ministry should have helped her, cared for someone like her, a helpless one. She was a pure blooded. She was the heir of Slytherin. She should have lived. But Ministry could care less.
What I have done was wrong in the eyes of the Ministry, but how dare they judge what I have done. They have killed so many others by other means. They have tore many families apart in the name of good and justice. Everything I have done was needed and will be justified in due time, Remus, I promise you that. In order to change the system has to be the first to go.
The history was written by the conquerors. You can't judge what I have done. It's nothing different from Alexander the Great or Zingiskhan. People hail them now as the greatest warriors. What do you think they have done that was so great? They were the killers of massive people and enslaved thousands. But they are known as the warriors.
You, my son, have to know the truth of it all. You have to realize nothing in this world is what is seems. You are the epitome of that."
"You won't betray me, that I know in my heart. You are confused. You have been living in that system for so long, you don't really see the truth of injustice by Ministry. Thirty days, Remus. You will hear from me again.
"If I was wrong and you would stand against me…I would not hesitate…to kill. This is not about you or me anymore. This has become bigger than my revenge. It has left my control and has spread. There are many of those who support the idea, and it will build. You can count on that, it will spread and the system will fall. And nobody will stand in that way. Not even you."
Voldemort was right on one thing for sure, I didn't betray him. I didn't tell anyone of our meeting. Nor did I revealed my past, Efrem Kurtz, and Anna Lupin. Not to Dumbledore, James, Peter.
Not even Sirius knew. I could have told him on the night of Harry's birthday, but…nothing was said. Sirius and I went back to bed and he fell asleep in my arms.
And not to Lily. I just couldn't. She just had a baby. Oh sweet baby Harry. I've got to meet him the next day. I had never held a baby before. And he didn't shy away from my touch. He had smiled. For me. And everyone had went ga-ga over his smile. It was very happy day. Harry would be the closest thing I would have as a son, and I felt the pain of giving Harry back to James. I wanted to hold him longer, even I knew that was just silly hormone talking. And I knew that was only a fraction of what my parents had felt about me.
I knew the right thing to do was reveal the location and time of our next meeting. Then Voldemort would have been caught and the nightmare would have been over. But a doubt had planted a seed in me. He was right about Ministry not being perfect, as I have said. Ministry had faults, many of them. What if…what if he was right about the new system, and all the supporters, like…werewolves.
Peter Pettigrew:My lord summoned me. I had been dreading his question for weeks. Ever since I became a death eater, I climbed the rank fast. I had been a spy, spying on the aurors and revealing their defense and locations. Nobody would suspect me.
I mean who would ever believe that the little Petesy could be so deadly?
Nobody cared about the little guys like me. The ministry could care less whether I was dead or not. They just needed the body to make up the losses. If it hadn't been for James, I probably been stuck in the dead end filing job at the Ministry. Lord Voldemort was different. He knew my abilities and he valued them.
Lord Voldemort had been increasingly agitated, and under his mood, he wanted to hear about my best friends while he rested. I've never endangered my friends, James and Sirius, if I could, but there had been some close calls. I had been able to shield them as best as I could in the past. I knew of his crusade for the werewolves, for many of underground spies and supporters were. I felt safe enough to tell him of Remus. Of course, I never really went into details. Of our adventures or anything like that had happened in Hogwarts, but of how Dumbledore had hired a werewolf as his aid, which I allured that Dumbledore might be trying to gain werewolves supporters.
This made my statue among the death eaters very high indeed. He had asked me to many private meetings to ask me things, which was considered the privileges in the ranks of death eaters. Not even Malfoy had that many private meetings. And now this time, I knew what he wanted to know, for he had command me the list of names last time we had met.
"Wormtail," Lord Voldemort said, "Who are the Order of Phoenix?"
Severus Snape:Voldemort never forgot about our little project he had bestowed upon me years ago. He always inquired upon the process, and I always gave him a shake and regretful gaze. The wolfsbane potion was proving to be difficult. Even with all the resources available to me by Voldemort, it was a mixture of complex equation and balance and all the other theories meshed into one.
Of course, after the graduation, my contact with Lupin had all but ceased, until now. Through Dumbledore, I've learned of all the member of Order of Pheonix, and one name in particular was very easy to track down. I needed to see him. And when I did find the spare time, I did.
I watched his usual slumped form, studying over piles of papers in front of him, and it reminded me of our first year in Hogwarts. The memory was bitter sweet, and I grimly stepped out in front of him.
I watched as his pretty eyes widened in my sudden appearance. Before any word could be uttered I brought a silver coin from my pocket and held it out in front of his tired face. His eyes studied my hand that held the coin, and he wordlessly took it into his hand. His golden eyes unquestioning my motive, so trusting yet something was different. Maybe it was the light of the dark room, or maybe it was because we all had changed somehow. I didn't know.
Our cold hands touched briefly, maybe a fraction of a second, but that was enough to send the electricity through my cold body, warming it thoroughly. So it was like we had never left Hogwarts, really. Remus cleared the long table, and he got up. He lifted his sleeve up to reveal his pale arm, and I stuck a needle into his vain. We both knew the routine so well, that no word was needed.
It was only until his weak shake on my arm, I realized that I had been lost in my memory. His bewitching eyes were watching me, but they didn't focus on my own eyes, but rather on my wrist. The mark. He stared at my mark. I quickly let my sleeve fall to cover it.
"Snape…" He said softly without fear, without disgust, as if he understood the reason why I was a death eater.
"Forget you saw that, Lupin." I said harshly, feeling a bit exposed and another odd feeling, shame, regret. I had never felt regret before. I was of Proud Snapes. Luther Snape was my father and his blood ran in my vain just as Marianne Snape's blood. As much as I detested his legacy, I was after all, his son, who inherited his gift in potions.
Then why do I feel such a thing?
Shame, yes, but never a regret. Did my mother felt regret at all? For marrying my father? When he stood before her, in her final days? Did she regret even meeting my father? Giving birth to his heir?
"Why?" he asked tentatively, breaking my train of thoughts.
"WHY?" I bellowed at him, feeling suddenly angry. I stood tall in front of him, letting my shadow cover his lying form. And I simply lost it. I let my hand fly.
I didn't know the answers. I simple didn't know why I felt guilty, I didn't know why I joined to be one of them, I didn't know why I liked Remus Bloody Lupin. I simply didn't have all the answers. I didn't know why killed so many innocent people. I didn't know why I let my father kill my mother. I simply didn't know, period.
Finally, I fell on top of his heaving chest, crying.
"I don't know," I said at last, my head close to his thumping heart. I stiffened when I felt his hand on my head.
"I guess I asked the wrong question," he said laughing a bit, wiping his blood from his lips with his dark robe sleeve.
And I laughed and laughed with him. He was comforting me, his abuser, his beater. When finally my laughter ceased, I realized what it had meant. "I guess you now know my secret, Lupin," my body still on top of his. "What are you going to do?" I felt his hand patting my back, and I looked up. His eyes were closed. "Lupin?"
"Your secret," he said. "I won't tell anyone, I swear it, Snape." His voice was grave yet determined.
"Do you swear on your grave?" I asked childishly.
"I swear on Mr. Stafford's," he said as his eyes meeting mine, and I knew he would keep his promise.
"I won't tell anyone about your secret either, Lupin. And I swear on my mother's." I stood shakily, and as almost an after thought I added, "I won't come to see you again, you don't need to worry about me coming after you." After pulling him up to a sitting position, I came to realize how thin he truly was. As if he had starved for many months. I took his left hand with my right hand, as I sat down next to him on the table.
"How do we come to this?" I asked softly. I watched the neat stock of papers and files on the floor, which he had been working undoubtly for Dumbledore and Order of Phoenix. We were enemies, for he didn't know I was a spy. Yet he was willing to let me go. Let me go back to Voldemort, and did not stop me.
He said nothing to my question. I didn't expect him to answer. I could sense his unrest. Actually, I felt as if I could see his unrest. As if I could see his inner aura, just as I had the morning after the attack. Maybe it was time for me to go.
"There is a spy among you." I didn't look to my right, for I knew he was starring back at me. "Someone close. I am afraid you-know-who wants the Order of Phoenix." I could feel his tension. I could see his…pain. Too many innocence had died. Too many children. How many more would it be enough? The Order was the only secret force that had effectively disabled many of Death Eaters attacks for last few months, and the words had it, Voldemort had taken a keen interest in their members.
"That's all I know for sure." I concluded truthfully. "Take care, Lupin," with that I disapparated.
Remus never asked why I came to him, but he and I both knew I did not come for drawing his blood. In a weird Snape way, I supposed, I was there to undo what I had done in the past, and let him know that I no longer held him hostage of his secret.
Lord Voldemort:Wormtail gave me all the names of course, and I knew who to go after next.
I remember Harold Potter. The name I will never forget. I remember everything. I remembered his swaggering steps, superior mannerisms and how he had declared my son a "beast" and "dark creature", and worst of all, how he had tore my son away from his pleading mother. He was one of four Ministry officers that came into my home sixteen years ago. My son had been only a baby. Barely four years old. He was so young. And they had snatched him from me. They had killed my love. They had killed me as well. Out of all of them, only one had died of natural cause. Their death will not be the end of their punishments. Their wives, children and their children. They will all suffer as I have suffered for the sins of their fathers.
Jeremy Longbottom. His son in the mental wing with his wife, and his grandson nearly brain damaged.
Frank Lupin. His only son, Vincent, killed as well. Burned alive. Very fitting way to go for the son of the killer. Too bad Frank was already dead when that was ordered. Letting his wife live in long lasting pain was only fair.
Efrem Kurtz. The worm, who didn't have any family, was affectively disembodied slowly. With his heart still beating when torn from its body. I hoped he lived long enough to feel how the body felt without his heart.
And lastly but not the least, Harold Potter. The head of Dark Creature Control Department (DCCD). The person who had been in everyway responsible for the experiment on my son and the death of my wife. His son, James Harold Potter, who has a young son of his own. I have delayed on Potters long enough for the sake of Remus. I should have killed his son in that 7th year, while he was still alive.
tbc
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Whoa, okay, that's my take on why Voldemort wanted to kill Harry Potter. And why Dumbledore didn't tell Harry about it in the end of the Book 1. I am hoping to read all about the real version in Book 5! Just waiting for the day to come.
eccentric mind: Less confusing now?
Eggo: Glad to have you back! I will try to update it ASAP
Ananya: Glad to have you as a reader. And finally gave me a comment, eh? Hope you will be my reader for the future.
Mandy: welcome! new reader right? There was 15 chapters because the first chapter was the prologue, and later I meshed the prologue with the chapter 1 to fit the chapters appropriately.
remember to leave me something. Anything! even if it were to say "oooo".