Note: Most of the chapter was written before reading The Order of Phoenix, and the turn of the things from the 5th book would not affect the story I don't think. Not that I didn't sob at the outcome of the 5th book. This fic has been AU, so nothing will really effect this story.

Warning: Language and violence, etc. Don't flame me for Sirius's action, it had to happen in my fic for the plot. Also the Prophesy in this fic is from the Lost Ages, nothing to do with the 5th book plot.



Enjoy!



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Year 1981



Chapter 17: Things Fall Apart





Remus Lupin:



Under the Curse, I felt disconnected. I knew I was under the influence of Voldemort, but somehow I didn't know that either. It was like a dream in a sense. Sometime you knew you were dreaming, but other times you didn't know. I didn't know what I was doing. Everything seemed to be happening without my knowledge. My body wasn't under my control.



I let a strange house elf change my clothes and feed me. I sit close by Voldemort as he talked. I wore the Death Eater's Mask in front of all the other Death Eaters. I was a puppet with Voldemort pulling all the right strings. Sometimes, I could fight it.



I realized I was no longer in England. And my memory would tell me, how I bid farewells to my friends weeks ago. I even accompanied Voldemort to one of his raids on the government buildings. I even threw some curses inside the Department of Justice. I could not recall if any had been the unforgivable curses. Mostly, everything was a blur.



And one day I escaped from Voldemort's compound. I had fought the curse and won. I had the control of my mind again. I had apparated into Sirius and my flat in London. Exhausted. I reached for the pot and I began to fill it with water. Abscend minded. I had to get the key to the Order of Phoenix I need it to contact everyone I had to warn them. My thoughts were jumbled and fast. I moved toward the fire place without turning off the water.



And suddenly, I detected a movement from my right. I dropped the pot in surprise. The water spilled. "Where do you think you are going off to?" Sirius muttered with his wand in his right hand.



"I have to go." I said just above whispering. I was already losing the control. Fight it, Remus. Fight it.



"Why?" Sirius said with a hint of anger.



Tell him. I have to tell him. Fight it, Remus. "I can't-" I choked on my words. I couldn't get my lips to form the words.



"Tell me."



I shook my head. I suddenly didn't know the answer to that. All I knew was I must.



"Then tell me where you are going."



I shook my head once again.



"TELL ME, DAMN IT!" I flinched at his anger. I could feel it. I wanted to take his anger away. It wasn't good be angry. Why is he angry?



Because of you.



Who said that?



You.



Me.



Then I realized I was not in control. I fought it. I have to tell Sirius. I have to tell him the truth.



"USSR." I muttered out with all my strength. The curse was winning again. I can't control myself. I had to tell him everything. But as soon as I thought of it, I lost the grip I had on the reality.



Sirius' eye darkened. "Why?"



"Don't ask me that."



"What's in Russia?" He advanced on me as I shrank away from his touch.



"My past."



"Bullshit, Remus. Now answer me, what's in Russia?"



I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. I felt sick, yet I was standing there as if I wasn't. I couldn't…my body was not my own.



"I think I can answer it for you then. Voldemort."



I turned around in a surprise.



Yes, Sirius. You got it. Now, you must help me. I screamed. Or at least I thought I did.



But Sirius, oh Sirius didn't hear me. He was cold. He was angry. He was in rage. "I thought so," he said as he gripped his wand. He was raging.



No, Sirius. No. You have to help me.



"No, you don't understand. I-" I fought the control of the Imperius Curse. I fought it with all my strength. He had to know.



"Oh, the nerve of you. You were the spy all along. How could you do this to me. To Lily and James? What kind of *beast* are you!" His remarks froze my struggle. I remained motionless, his harsh words echoing in my ears, tearing at my heart, fueling the anger in Sirius. I could no longer fight.



"How could stand there and pretend like you are our friends? My lover? How could you!"



"I am not a spy," my cursed mouth said so automatically, even I couldn't convince myself, "Padfoot."



"Don't you dare use that name! You Death Eater!" Sirius flung me against the wall with his wand. "I should have known. I should have KNOWN! You can't HIDE your dark nature. DEATH EATER!"



No! I cried, but my mind was going. I could no longer fight it. I felt his heat, his punches, and his angry words. He pushed me down to the bed roughly, and slapped me across the face with his maddening fury.



The contact of his hand on my face temporarily snapped me back into the reality. I could feel my burning skin and tearing eyes. "Stop it! Sirius!" I shouted, pushing him away. But Sirius did not hear my cry. He continued to slap me, until his hand turned red. As I lay whimpering under him, he brutally ripped the clothes off, and discarded his own trouser.



"Now, death eater, you should get exactly what you deserve."



"Siri-"



"Shut up!" Sirius punched him on his lean stomach. "Shut the hell up! SHUT UP."







Severus Snape:



I heard of the English werewolf spy rumor from the others, and dismissed it as nonsense. Sure, Voldemort had many werewolf supporters, but none was trained as a wizard. And to be a spy, one had to fit in with already established circle of friends, workers, etc. Everyone was suspicious these days, and nobody trusted anyone, let alone a man or halfbreed. To gather any major information to be a use to Voldemort, one had to be in a high position. Working for the ministry or for the Order. And there was no werewolf working for them. Not that I know of.



Of course, there was one werewolf that had the high position and connection.



However, Lupin did not fit the profile. He didn't need anything from Voldemort, unless if you think he wants werewolf rights and all that Voldemort promised to the werewolves. But he would never pull off being a spy. He's too honest and a terrible liar in the aspects not concerning his werewolfism. His golden eyes were too honest to fool anyone, let alone Dumbledore.



And most of all he loved his friends to the point he would die for them. When I heard of the Dark Lord's outing to London and the Ministry of Magic. I became uneasy. I've been unable to dig much into the Potter spy, and the rumor of werewolf made me think of Lupin.







Sirius Black:



I pushed his trembling legs apart and held the slender hands above his head. Without a warning, I pushed my hardness inside roughly. Remus quivered under my firm grip, his bloody mouth trapped under my wanting mouth.



I moved slowly above Remus, ignoring the agonizing whimpers and feeble fights from him. When Remus almost buckled me off, I punched him again to silence him. Almost covering the little frame of him, I pushed in and out forcefully. Only driving for my ecstasy, my reward, my vengeance.



When the pressure around my cock wasn't enough, I grabbed Remus' legs and pulled it tightly behind my back. My cock was glistened by my sweat and the blood from Remus. I moved in and out quickly. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't human. I wasn't even a beast. I was a pure rage.



The only sounds of the room were my heavy breathing, the sound of squeaking mattress spring, and the sound made by my rape.



"Is this what you wanted?"



Thrust.



"Is that what Voldemort give you?"



Harder.



"You beast!"



Deeper.



"You fucking fuck."



I wanted to hurt him, make him pay for the bad deeds. Making him pay for all the heartaches and jealousy. I wanted to hurt him for hurting me. Lying to me. Going behind my back.



"Is that why you were never interested in me? Huh?"



Thrust.



"Did you enjoy being Voldemort's FUCK TOY?" With that word, I came. I gripped at his hair, pulling it tightly. I wanted to hurt him. No, I wanted to kill him. I should have killed the death eater.



But I couldn't.



I pushed off his broken body with this warning, "Go back to your master, but I will kill you if you ever come before my path again." I spat at him, "If I see you again, if you hurt any of my friends…"



I left, unable to finish the sentence.



I was weak. I should have killed the death eater as I was trained to do, as an auror. But in the back of my rage I still saw him as my friend, my partner, my love. I knew he was the spy. He was the one. I composed myself inside the muggle restroom in the near by pub. I looked like shit. My hands were still bloody, and my eyes looked blood shot. I looked mad, not in a rage mad, but crazy mad.



I splashed the cold water against my face. I was going to check up on Peter, then to Dumbledore. It would kill Lily to learn that Remus was the one, but what has to be done had to be done. I could hear the Halloween music in the air as I slipped out of the pub, unnoticed.





Severus Snape:



You could say I was shocked, no totally got my gut kicked out, when I saw Lupin's bruised face and his battered body. At first I thought he must have been tortured for information. But I didn't see any death mark and he wasn't dead. Neither the marks of curse or defense. Also his wand lay inside his belt pocket, untouched.



Maybe he had taken it unrepentantly, but that wasn't likely. Werewolves have uncanny sense of smell and hearing before and after the full moon. Unless of course, Lupin had his narcoleptic attack. But I didn't see any sign of that either as I was checking over his body. Then I peered open his eyes. Dead gold stared back at me. They were dilated.



Probably from the Imperius Curse.



Shit.



There was only one person who could have gotten Lupin without him being prepared. Lupin had to know the person. He had to trust the person enough to not have his wand near him. Ready to strike.



Fuck.



I should have seen it coming. I knew it was someone close. Someone so close, none of us would ever see it coming. I should have known years ago, what kind of fucker he really was.



Sirius Bloody Black.



I know I should have gone directly to Dumbledore, but I couldn't just leave Lupin like that. I didn't want others to see him like that either. He needed to be removed of the curse. I spelled him clean as best as I could under the circumstance.



I checked his fire place, but it wasn't connected to floo network. Black must have cut it off, in case Lupin fights his way back to the reality. If I were Black, I would have killed Lupin. But he left the witness alive. That was sloppy. Probably because he thought he could get away with it. Have the power and the lover. Confident fool.



I held the limp form of Lupin securely against my body. I couldn't apparate until I was out of the protective ward placed upon the flat. There were muggles near by, trying to look as muggle as possible. I hurriedly ran toward the dark alley, away from the prying eyes.



I apparated to the Dark Forest, the safe spot, just outside of the protective charm. Under the darkness, I could see the pale walls of Hogwarts reflected from the moon. As I approached the castle, I could smell the Halloween feast inside.





Peter Pettigrew:



I had the golden egg. I had the ultimate prize to secure my position as the top Death Eater. I shall mourn for my friends, I will even mourn for that little bastard Harry, who likes to poke my face and then laugh in my face. I was a kicking bag for even that little bastard.



I won't be the 'lil Petesy to anyone, not anymore. I felt like howling against the moon. I felt like I won the Quidditch match, won the House Points to win the House Cup, got the girl of my dream. I felt as if I was on the top of the world. And no one would be wiser.





Lily Evans:



I should have known something was up with Remus. I should have. However, the month of October has been tensed. We knew Voldemort wanted us. We knew his death eaters were tracking us down. Professor Dumbledore had already advised us to take him as a Secret Keeper, but James decided against it. He said it would have been too much stress on the old man, and he couldn't possibly accept his mentor's offer.



Of course, our natural choice had been Sirius and Remus. Sirius was James's best friend, and Remus was mine. We knew we could trust either one. However, Remus had been gone. He had gone to former Russia, and of course, because of the secret nature of the Order, we really did not know much of what the other members were doing. We did not know about Severus Snape either.



When Sirius suggested Peter as a bluff, I did not know what to think. It seemed risky, yet it had made sense. No one would think of Peter as our secret keeper, which meant we would be safe.



Or so we thought. I should have known better. I should have known why our Sneakoscope went off when Peter was in the house. We thought it was broken. I should have known why Remus never contacted me. It was so unlike him. I should have known something was up. I should have.



But in the end, I did not.



Only moments before my own death, I knew. They said that truth will be shown during the moment of passing, and in that moment of my death, I knew. I knew the past, the present and the future of everyone in that baby blue room. I saw mine, Voldemort's and my son's. In that order. In that exact order.



I saw flashes of my own life. They were comprised of happy memories. My family trips, birthdays, first day of school, kissing James, graduation, marrying James, having Harry.



I saw the flashes of images of Voldemort's past until the moment he was here in front of me. His life had been the flashes of pain. His life in the orphanage had been cruel. The taunting of the other kids, the beatings from the caretakers, the death of his pet snake, rejection from his adoptive families. On and on.



Then a flash of happiness. The letter from Hogwarts. His new family and friends. Acceptance. A face of a young woman. Love. Joy. Happiness. The face of someone familiar. Professor Dumbledore. Then anger. The Chambers of Secret. The revenge.



The secret marriage. A long journey to some place I never seen before. Little cottage with a snowed rooftop. Laughing face of the young woman. Peace. Anxious smoking outside. The cries of a baby. A new born baby son. The first step. The first magic. Joy. The bedtime stories. Golden hair of a boy.



Full moon. Scream. Blood. So much blood everywhere. Bloody hands. Stained floors. Cries. Arrival of four uniformed men. One face stood out. Harold Potter. I knew that face in my son. But it wasn't the face I was used from the photographs. He wasn't smiling or looked kind. I saw the reason why he wanted to kill James and my son. Revenge. The four faces of men and the young dying boy. Sickness. Worries. Hopes. No answer. No answer.



Lost hope. Death of his wife. Rage. Revenge. Dark arts. Revenge. Back to England. The search. Back to Hogwarts. The face of a golden brown haired boy. Relief. Younger Remus walking with younger James. Revenge. Dumbledore. Rage. Bombings. Deaths and smokes. Revenge. Present Remus. Studying. Rejection. Anger. The sound of Remus calling him, Father. Bittersweet joy. Imperio. Waiting. Watching. Directing. Guarding. The tombstone. Full moon. Anger. Peter. Revenge. James. Harry. Pain. Darkness. Alone. Waiting. Waiting. Young man. Hogwarts. Dark Forest. Unicorn blood. Younger James. No, grown Harry. Revenge. The stone. The pain. Dark Forest. Alone.



Return of the rat. Return of the death mark on the sky. Bidding his time. The plan. The tombstone. The pain. Death Eaters. The resurrection. Peter without an arm. Older Harry. Revenge. Lost. Rage. The plan. Bombs. Curses. Older Severus Snape. Torture. Bait. The war. Older Sirius. Grown Harry. Revenge. Ultimate curse. Older Remus. Older Dumbledore. Wolves. Silver arm. Shock. Rage. Pain. Wolf. Remus. The light. The end.



One thing was certain, my son would live and Voldemort would not.



That made me let go, in peace.



I saw James standing, waiting for me. I saw all the other faces, familiar faces. My father. My mother. And even Meg. James and I walked among the familiar faces toward the light.





Remus Lupin:



When I jerked awoke, I was alone in the dark. I barely noticed my surroundings. I had to get out of there, wherever I was. I think I walked. I slowly gathered my broken body together. I got up. I took a step. I stumbled. I got up again. I heard the celebrations nearby. The dark air was happy and enthusiastic, although I didn't know why. I saw the owls fly by, and the showering of the shooting stars. I heard the whispers "Potters. Yes, Potters. Their son, Harry," "War is over. You-know-who is gone," "Yes, twelve muggles and a wizard," and "Black. Yes, Sirius Black from that family of Blacks." But I didn't care. Something was calling me and I had to hear it.



My feet was bloodied and caked with muds by the time I reached the place I hasn't seen since I left my childhood behind. When I finally reached the Dafford Castle, I was sure my leg was broken in two places. I welcomed the pain when it hit me, for it was the sign that the Imperius Curse was fading if not gone.



Dafford Castle stood darkly against the still air. The ground was familiar; I could have walked with my eyes closed. I didn't know why I was here. I let my feet carry me. Limping from the pain was my only reality.



The familiar castle was closed and full of unattended weeds and fallen leaves on the ground. I had never come back, since the death of Mr. Stafford. My things were gathered and brought to Hogwarts by our house elf, Wardley, whom I never saw again. I didn't know what led me to come here. I know I should have gone to the hospital, the Ministry, or Dumbledore.



The old rusted gate squeaked open, when I put my weight on it. The dried leaves crunched against my shoes. The house smelt of dead air and moth balls.



"Wardley!" I called, "Wardley! I am home!" The raspy sound of my voice startled me, but I continued to call for my friend. "Where are you?"



The house was deadly still. All the furniture were covered in white dust sheets left and right, eerily resembling ghosts. In front of me was the grand stair, dividing the castle in half. East and West wings. To the far inside the castle was the old kitchen, where the big fire place was. I strained my ears, trying to hear the ghost of my past.



Then I heard it.



I ran, limping and all, trailing my muddy feet and letting the bandage fall apart. My feet did not move toward the kitchen. My hands reached for the stair rail, and I drag my hurt leg as I ascend toward the West Wing, the Forbidden Wing.



When I leaned all my weight on the door, it gave away, and I fell with the door. The white dust rose around me, temporarily blinding the place. When I look around to the source of the sound, I found myself staring back at me. Then I saw Wardley. And someone was behind him. I raised my eyes and saw who it was.



Mr. Stafford. He was smiling back at me. And there was more behind him.



It took a week for them to find me.





Madam Pomfrey:



The war was finally over.



You-know-who was gone, destroyed by a little baby Harry Potter. The prophesy was true. His parents paid dearly for it. The wizard world began to pick up the remains of the war. Many death eaters were captured along with the underground supporters. More revealed more the victims found. Mostly dead or near dead.



November had been a blur. Everything was still fresh, shocking. Sirius Black being the spy. He had been their best man at the wedding. Harry's godfather! How could he…. He had been their best friend. In cold blood, he killed Peter Pettigrew and the twelve others in a single deadly curse. The witness said, he didn't even blink. He laughed instead.



Laughed! He was still laughing, when they took him away. They said he was already stalk mad before he set his foot on Azkaban. It chills me to the core to think of him as young and smart boy of eleven. Such a promising boy. What a lost…



Remus. Oh sweet Remus. If it hasn't been for Severus, he would have been dead too. Maybe it was better he didn't have his mind to witness the trials and his laughters as they took Sirius away. Everything had been so confusing. It took three aurors to find Remus, and Dumbledore to bring him back. And they said he didn't come willingly. He nearly torn the room and the aurors apart, until Dumbledore hit him with the stunner.



Even with the stunner, he had fought, hard, until his body failed him. His body had been starving for basic needs, food and water. For a week, he had been sitting in that dusty room alone, staring, crying, laughing, staring, muttering, going mad in front of that mirror.







Remus Lupin:



Tick.



Tock.



Tick tock.



Tick tock, Lupin.



When is it all going to end?



That's always the main question, isn't it? When is this class going to end? When is Sirius going to end? When is it all going to end? When is my, so called, miserable life going to end? When is Sirius going to end you, again? When is it all going to end?



Tick tock tick tock. Clock's ticking, Lupin. The time is running out.



Actually, my time had already run out when that werewolf had bitten me. "Stupid boy. You are coming with me. We'll need to take your blood now. Still boy. Why doesn't he talk? Smart for his age. Something's going on. The time is running out."



SHUT UP.



Why? I think he can talk. The time is running out. Tick tock tick tock.



"What's the matter with him?" I could hear Sirius's voice above me. Yesssss, what is the MATTER with me? This imperfect beast, this meek ghost of a boy I had once been? What is the matter with me indeed. You are asking the wrong question, my dear friend. The right question is what the hell is wrong with me?



I say everything, dear Sirius. Everything. And there's nothing you can ever do about it. You can't fix me, oh no, not this one. You can't fix this one. Not you either, Mr. Stafford. You left me to the wolves, they took you from me. I killed. I killed. I don't know.



"You murderer! I will curse you if I can remember any!" His voice shouted at me. I fought the voice. I fought the accusations. I felt that tiny pinch on my leg, and I fought against the tight holds that had my body. That helpless struggle. The struggle with obvious outcome. The struggle I could never win.



Tick tock, I don't feel the pain anymore. Only the bitter longing for the things I should have felt.









Albus Dumbledore:



"Does he always stare like this?"



"Yes, mostly. He's in his own little world." The healer cleared his throat, "I think we should try something drastic. He needs to wake up from his state."



I nodded gravely, unable to take my eyes off of his eyes starring at the void.



"It would be five times a week, for ten weeks. We'll monitor his progress, or lack there of, and notify you by the hospital owls, of course."



"Of course," I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. Hands strapped and legs bonded and his face...



"We had to put a ball in his mouth, so he won't bite off his tongue, or anything else," I turned back at the healer, startled, "we had several incidents," finished the healer.



"Is he…really that…" I was unable to finish the sentence.



The healer nodded as if he understood me, "he's very sick, Albus. He doesn't know what's real and what's not. What was real and what was-"



"Only in his mind."



"Yes," the healer said, "He had been under the Imperius Curse for over a year. Then the mirror of Erised for the week. His mental defense has been turned in and out, and he now blocks everything present. He's stuck inside the maze of memories and distorted fakes. It's amazing he didn't totally lost his mind. He's battling the nightmare and the fantasy all at the same time. Some days he would be happy with the fantasy of his deepest desires, the others…he would be horrified of the reality of what he had gone through. He's in post-tramatic shock upon that the effect of the Imperius Curse and the Mirror.



"How could he tell what's real from what's not? He has seen something traumatic, things that people had forgotten, the memories that had disappeared, or worst, the memories that had never even existed in the first place. That only he desired them to be real. The memories of things that had never even happened, the repressed memories of the horror or secret and so on.



"Whatever the matter with him was only in his mind. If he realize this, then we are at the half way."



"Half way?" I looked at old healer.



He looked grimed. "Of recovery and insanity."



"And if he doesn't?"



He followed my gaze to Remus, "He will remain forever trap in his nightmares and dreams of memories."



"Can I?" I grabbed the handle.



"No, Professor Dumbledore. It's too risky. It's not safe for you."



"I can take care of myself," I said stubbornly, but I did not turn the handle.



The healer's hand lay firmly on my shoulder. "It's not safe for him either. He might take you for a threat. And we don't know what he might do…"



"Can he fight this? I mean, he's smart, always had been," I've seen his abilities as student and as the member of the Order. "He was the smartest student I ever knew. He-he can find himself out of this-"



"No-"



"Why not? Why can't he? He can do it. I know he can." I was becoming desperate.



"No. Because his mind is where the problem is in the first place, Professor," I let go of the handle, defeated. The healer gently squeezed my shoulder in comfort.



"He's no longer a child, sir. You're not his guardian anymore. Let the lady of the fate decide."



"Let the fate decide…" I mumbled as Remus began to wail against his binds, his golden eyes flaring with intense power, his whole frame lighting up with the white aura. I turned away from the small window of the silver door, "I need to believe something extraordinary is possible."



"I know, sir. I know. We will find it if we can. You should go. Go back to Hogwarts. You can't stay here forever. Focus on the students at hand. I am sure they need you much more than… You know what I mean."



"Yes…I know what you mean." I have duties as a headmaster of Hogwarts, just as the healer had his duties. The new Minister of Magic would need my help also, to rebuild the system and the world that has suffered so much under Tom's hand. "Good bye, John."



"Good bye. I will take good care of him, Albus. He'll be fine under my care."



And I left. I left the poor boy alone with the strangers once again. I let him down again. I let her down again, because I was too scared to take on the responsibility. I had failed them both again. And I failed Tom Riddle as well.



I knew he was still alive, bidding his time. He will come back, to claim the one that's most important to both of us. Yes, he will come back. It could be tomorrow, in ten, twenty or fifty years. He will come back. I hope to Merlin I would be ready.





Severus Snape:



I cried. I never cry. I shouldn't cry. I wasn't little anymore. I was an adult with responsibility. I was a potion protégé, a death eater, a spy, and I am a Potions master. I couldn't look at him anymore. In that room with the ball in his mouth, his hands and legs bind securely, only with his savage and lost eyes free to stare into nothingness.



Lupin had fought us all, when we tried to bring him safely back. He wouldn't let us take him away from that blasted mirror. It was only after Dumbledore had send it crashing away from his view, did Lupin let us take him. He too stunned and exhausted to fight back anymore. Too tired to laugh or cry anymore.



I cried for Lupin. I cried for the little boy at the dairy farm. I cried for the Longbottoms. I cried for their little boy. I cried for their lost. Them with lost eyes, lost innocence…



I cried for my mother. Then I cried for my father. I cried for his wife even. And when my tears stopped flowing, I stepped back from Lupin's window, composing myself. I shall never have to see Lupin again after this, and that was fine. I shall remember him as he was in Hogwarts, as he was at the London Library, working vigilantly, not as bloodied mess in the London flat, not as starved man in that dusty castle room, not this crazed shell of a man in the St. Mungo's.



When I walked out of that floor, I was back in control. Severus Snape was back and I would never let that mask slip again. I would never shed my tears again.





Tbc…..

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Review please!



And tell me what you think about the 5th book.



I stood in line with other Potter nerds at Walmart to get the book on the midnight of the released day. Most of us were college students or adults. People were looking at us, wondering what we were doing, and whenever someone asked, the people would go "The Book" Not Harry Potter book. The Book. It was like waiting for the most important thing. I felt like we were in this huge club. I dragged my best friend with me, which she recently became the Potter fan after I practically thrust them in her hands to read.





Samson: thanks! Your review made me post this chapter finally. I've been toying with it for a month, and yes I will write more about Severus, for he's my second favorite character.