Of Godly Bunnies and Godly Hats

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By Bezo the Blue Priest and Yezo the Yellow Priest

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Disclaimer: We are...erm, own Avatar and Avatara. Everyone else is owned by Squaresoft...or something like that.

Author's Notes: Now, we are aware that this is a premise that has been done several times, sometimes with great success, and sometimes with...anyway, we wanted to try our hand at it. We are, admittedly, quite insane, as you will quickly be able to tell, and we are aware that our characterization was, at times, abandoned in favour of the cheap joke.

Oh, and just so everyone knows, our reference to Steiner as Captain Obvious has nothing to do with the Captain Obvious in our other story, Crap! The Attack of Captain Obvious! but we strongly recommend you read and review it anyway. Hint hint. :o)

Oh, yes. And, as always, you can flame Bezo at flamingpitsofhell@yahoo.com, and Yezo at the_pyre42@hotmail.com.

And now, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooon with the show!

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It was an ordinary day. That is, until something out of the ordinary happened. Then the ordinary was very annoyed, because it didn't like things coming out of it. The custodians were annoyed, too, because the thing that came out of the ordinary made quite a mess on the carpet, which, of course, they had to clean up. The thing out of the ordinary, however, was unfazed; it was used to things like this, being out of the ordinary as it was.
None of this has anything to do with our grand tale of action, drama, romance, and silly hats.

Where does our tale begin, you ask? Why, in an airship in a world not unlike a fantasy. The very last one, of course. Well, more like the ninth "last one", actually. There had been eight "last one" before this, and people were beginning to wonder if this would ever end. Strangely enough, though, none of the people of this world remembered the last eight last fantasies. Final fantasies, as it were. Anyway, on to the airship – which is exactly where our oddly named visitors entered this fantasy world.
   "Ooh," the young man groaned, rubbing his head painfully. "That frickin' hurt! Need Advil…or Recovery…"
   "Nat!" a young woman admonished from atop the young man, where she had coincidentally landed, much to their mutual delight. "Everyone knows that it isn't called "Recovery" in this world!"
   "In this world?" Nat repeated. "What the Sam Hell are you gabbin' about, woman?"
The young woman cleared her throat.

   "Uh…characterization, love."
   "Jaci, I'm not in a story! This is real life, okay? There is no 'out of character'. If I do it, it's in character, okay?"
   "Yeah," Jaci said slowly, staring at something behind Nat. "Of course, floating signs saying "Enter Your Name, Please" appear all over the place in the real world."
   "It could just be a guest book, Jaci," Nat replied pettishly.
   "Rrrrrrright…and I suppose that's why there are little pictures of us that look like anime characters…hey, why did they give me all that hair…and cat ears? And…hey! I gots a tail! I always wanted to be a cat-girl!"
Nat sighed.

   "You know that tail is just gonna get in the way of our sex life." Then he frowned. "Heeeey! Look at me! They made me all fat!" He stuck his lower lip out as far as it could humanly possibly go, and his eyes teared up adorably. "Oh, yeah. I am…tee-hee! But my hair still looks really girly."
   "This must be a Final Fantasy game! No one has girlier hair than the guys in the Final Fantasy games! Well, maybe the girls," Jaci admitted.
   "Cool!" Nat exclaimed. "I hope it's 10! I totally kicked 10's ass!" He flexed his muscles and tried to look imposing.

Jaci sighed, sweatdropped, and patted the young man on the shoulder.
   "Dear, how many times do we have to discuss this? Your prowess at video games, however impressive, does not make you more of a man."
   "Nope!" he replied cheerfully. "Cheeseburgers make me more of a man!" He patted his stomach lovingly. Jaci sweatdropped for the second time in ten seconds, but certainly not the last.
   "What is going on?!" a loud male voice shouted. "Who are you interlopers, and what are you doing on this airship?! This is OUR Blue Narciss! Get off!" He punctuated each word with a jump, his armour clanking together most humorously as he did so.
   "Hee!" Jaci chirped. "It's Steiner! He's all funny and stuff! His armour clanks together most humorously when he jumps!"

She jumped up and down several times. Steiner glared, then began jumping up and down, his armour clanking together most humorously.
   "Stop mocking me!" he howled.

   "Clank clank clank," his armour intoned sadly.
   "Oh, great," Nat muttered resentfully. "It's Captain Obvious, which means that this is IX. Why did it have to be IX? I've got VII, VIII, AND X, but noooooo, no, no, no! It's gotta be IX, the one that Jaci's always going on about. Hmmm…makes me wish I had listened…"
   "Hey, Rusty!" a substantially younger male voice called from the doorway. "What's going – whoa! Who are they? I thought we already had our party."
   "I am Sephiroth the Mighty!" Nat announced triumphantly.

For the third time, Jaci sweatdropped.

   "He's Avatar," she announced. "And I'm Avatara."

Nat pouted.
   "Can I be Sephiroth the Sort-Of Mighty?"
   "No," the newly named Avatara replied flatly.
   "Sephiroth the Slightly Imposing?"
   "Avatar will do just fine, Nat…uh, I mean Avatar."
   "But WHY can't I be a villain?!" he clanked.
   "That clanking is MY gag, you interloper!" Steiner shrieked.
   "Avatar," Avatara began, putting a hand to her head, "you can't be a villain if you want them to help us!"
   "Can't I be one of those villains who starts out good and then becomes evil later, like…say…Sephiroth, perhaps?"
   "For the last time, Avatar, YOU CAN'T BE FREAKIN' SEPHIROTH!!!"
   "Yeah?!" Avatar shouted angrily. "Well, your name is Mud!"
   "Heeeeeeey!" Avatara whined as the word "Mud" mysteriously appeared next to her picture on the 'floating digital guestbook.' "It isn't Mud! It isn't Mud at all! Heeey! I want to get rid of it! How do I get rid of iiiiiiit?!"

Her words melted into stormy weeping as she collapsed to the ground in the cute little anime sitting pose, her tears shooting out in arcs on either side of her head, her mouth turning into a gigantic red oval…just because. Zidane heaved a long sigh, sidled over to the floating screen, and hit a grey key with a green triangle on it. "Mud" promptly disappeared.

   "What do you want your name to be?" he called.
   "Avatara!" she called back cheerfully, bouncing to her feet, all trace of tears gone.
   "Really?" Zidane's brow wrinkled. "That's kinda weird, for a cat-lady."
   "Well, what should I be? Kitty?"
   "That's kinda too obvious…how about Mary Sue?"
   "Uh…no? How about…Avatara?"
Zidane shrugged.

   "Okay. It's you who'll be confused for the whole game."
   "Zidane?" a sweet, feminine voice called from the doorway. "Who are you and Steiner talking to?"
   "Oh, hey, Dagger!" Zidane called back. "C'mere! We've got some people for you to meet. This is Avatar, and this is Avatara."
   "Hello," the pretty, dark-haired young woman greeted the strangely-named couple shyly.
   "Yo, Dagger! Whazzup?!" Avatara called, grinning.
   "Um…I don't know…this airship?" she replied hesitantly, rather concerned at the way their new friend's tongue was hanging out.
   "I'm gonna go get everyone else and tell them that we have some new party members. Even though the guide says we have all our party members," he finished in a resentful mutter.
He bounced down the stairs to the lower level of the airship.
   "Hey, guys!" his voice drifted up the stairs. "We have some new folks joining us! C'mon up to meet them!"
Many irritated grumbles were heard as Zidane climbed back up the stairs, followed by Quina, Vivi, Amarant, Freya, and Eiko.
   "This better be good, Zidane!" Eiko warned grumpily. "I was napping!"
   "Yeah," Amarant agreed. "First time since I've met her she was quiet. It was a good change."
Avatara gasped.
   "It-it-it's the Flaming Turkey!"
   "Uh…what?" Amarant's eyebrow raised, although, ironically, no one could see it under that mop `o hair.
   "Flaming Turkey, will you sign my…shoe?! I would get you to sign my autograph book, but I think I dropped it…"
Amarant shook his head, then glanced over at Zidane.
   "Who are they?"
   "Oh, they're our new party members that appeared mysteriously with no previous warning, and no relation whatsoever to the plot," the young blond man replied cheerfully.
   "…Okay. Can I throw them off the ship?" He glared viciously at Avatara. "At least, her. Flaming Turkey, indeed!"
Zidane sighed.
   "Amarant, why has it always got to be about throwing people off the ship with you?"
   "Isn't it obvious?" Amarant snorted.
   "No!" Avatara broke in. "He's Obvious! Captain Obvious!" She pointed to Steiner, who was once again clanking indignantly.
   "And I'm Sephiroth!" Avatar announced to the rest of the crew proudly.
   "YOU ARE NOT…um, what's the rating of this story?" Avatara turned to Vivi, who, for some reason, held a large stack of paper with Script written across the front.
   "P-P-PG-13," the small mage replied.
   "Well, that limits my vocabulary by a bit…FUDGING SEPHIROTH!!!"
   "Really? Just PG-13?" Zidane gazed at him curiously. "Aren't we at an R-rating yet?"
   "Not yet," Freya said ominously.

Amarant sighed.
   "It's gonna be that pretty soon for gratuitous violence if someone doesn't tell me what the hell these people are doing here."
   "Perhaps they can explain it," Freya began, before glaring at Avatar. "Preferably without bringing up this Sephiroth character."
   "Well," Avatar began, "it's a funny story. We went to bed, then we woke up, and we were here."
   "That's not funny," Avatara informed him, the ever-present sweatdrop once again hanging above her head.
   "Um…e-e-e-excuse me," Vivi stammered hesitantly. "Y-you're not one of those people who seems like our friend at first, but then turns out to be the villain, are you?"
An evil grin came over Avatar's face.
   "I…might be."
   "NAMAGOMI!!!" Avatara shrieked, reaching behind her head, grabbing the sweatdrop, and beating Avatar savagely with it.
   "Painful," Avatar commented, rubbing his head gingerly, "but surprisingly refreshing."
   "Eeeeeew," was Zidane's indispensable insight on the matter.
   "Well-said, Zidane," commented Steiner.
   "What's a 'namagomi,' anyway?" Eiko asked.
   "I think it's Japanese for 'Xellos,' or something," Avatara informed the tiny summoner, ruffling her hair…and then backing away slowly as she read certain Madeen-summon-ness in the young girl's eye.
   "Hey, Avatara! Check it out!"
   "What's up, Avatar?"
   "I still say that's gonna get very confusing before the game ends," Zidane reiterated.

Avatar gazed intently at Steiner.
   "Dude, Avatar, what's up?" Avatara asked.
   "Look at Captain Obvious!"
   "MY NAME IS NOT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! I AM ALDEBERT STEINER!!!" that same disgruntled Captain howled, jumping up and down.
   "Yeah, whatever, Captain Obvious. Anyway, he looks even more like Buzz Lightyear in person!"
Now it was Steiner's turn to sweatdrop. Avatara's eyes filled with tears.
   "Heeeeeey! Don't steal my gimmick!" she whined.
   "Well, you stole mine," he shot back, arms crossed.

Amarant glared at him.
   "And now you're stealing my gimmick," he growled, scratching the back of his head.
   "Heeeeey!" Zidane protested as he tripped over a loose board on the floor of the airship. "That's mine!"
   "Zidane!" Vivi piped up reproachfully. "Now you've stolen my gimmick! That makes me so mad, I could throw something! A pinwheel, perhaps..."
   "Dammit!" Amarant shouted. "That's two of mine!"
   "Poor Amarant," Zidane reflected sadly, "He's always getting' the shaft."
   "Heeeeeeey!" Kuja shouted from somewhere. "No gay jokes, or I'll kill you all!"
Eiko, Dagger, and Freya shrugged and glanced at one another.
   "We don't have gimmicks, ya?" they commented in unison.
   "Is that statement, or question?" Quina asked, scratching his head with a fork. He was ruthlessly ignored by the now-bickering crew, and stormed down the stairs to the lower level of the ship.
   "Quina don't need this," he huffed. "Quina gonna start his own Real World (tm)."
   "I sense a running gag coming on," Sailor Erin commented with a heavy sigh, before turning back to the steering of the airship. She gave a shriek of dismay, and desperately wrenched the little steering thingy to avoid crashing into a mountain. "Lousy mountains," she muttered. "Poppin' up all over the place. I liked Gaia much better when there were only a few mountains, back in the 80's. But ever since the good job market, they've been popping up all over the place."
   "Uh...Erin? What are you talking about?" Dagger asked hesitantly.

Avatar nodded sympathetically.
   "I know exactly how she feels."
   "You'd better not know how she feels, or I'll kill you both, you bastard!!!" Avatara growled. "Rrrrrr!"
And, for once, Avatar sweatdropped.
   "Do you think there's something wrong with those two?" Zidane muttered aside to Steiner.
   "Just between us," Steiner muttered back, "I do not only think; I know."
   "This is what I know: we seriously need to land before Erin falls asleep at the little steering thingy and kills us all," Freya interjected. "This insane rambling about mountains popping up due to job market is a sign of severe sleep deprivation."
   "And what's his excuse?" Zidane inquired, crooking his thumb towards Avatar.
   "Him? Well, my first guess is that he's just...very...special."
   "Hmph!" Avatar hmphed. "Avatar doesn't need this! Avatar's gonna go start his own Real World. Just Avatar and Sephiroth."

With that, the young man stormed off down the stairs. Avatara gazed about her, blinking dazedly.
   "What about me? You bastard! You can't just leave me here with these people! Now, how will you feel if you come back and find out that the Flaming Codpiece has thrown me off the airship?"
   "Well, calling him that isn't a good idea if you want to prevent it," Amarant said, his voice flickering with menace.
   "Eep!"
   "What was that, Vivi?" Zidane whirled to face the giant hat with eyes.
   "Eep!" the small mage repeated, annoyed.
   "Avatar!" Avatara wailed. "Please come back! I'm nothing without my strategy guide!"
   "But I'm not a strategy guide!" the angry retort drifted up the stairs.
   "Well, then I need my cuddles! Come back, Cuddle-Ducky!"
   "Dude!" Avatar admonished, sprinting up the stairs. "Not in public!"
   "Not in public, what, Cuddle-ducky?" she smirked.
   "Not in public, Snuggle-kitty," he intoned darkly.
   "Thank-you, Cuddle-ducky!" she chirped, beaming.

Avatar pouted.
   "I am not a Cuddle-Ducky! I am Mighty Sephiroth!!! The survey said so!"
   "Actually," Avatara pointed out, sitting cross-legged on the wooden floorboards of the ship, "didn't it say that I was Sephiroth?"
   "You!" he scoffed. "You could never be Sephiroth! You haven't got a cool big sword, or cool grey hair, or..."
   "I've got something better!" Avatara declared. The next second, the ripping of cloth was heard, and the rest of the ship got rather more of an eyeful than they wanted.
   "Ooh..." Avatar's eyebrows waggled. "So much for PG-13." He stared, like a moth drawn to a lightbulb. "Ah, screw it. Let's go for NC-17!"
With that, he threw her over his shoulder and scampered down the stairs as quickly as the girl on his shoulder would let him.
   "Ow!" she shrieked as her head connected with a doorframe.
Vivi blinked once or twice, staring after the retreating couple.
   "I-I-I think I was too young to see all of that," he commented sadly. He gazed askance at Eiko as she shouted out behind them,
   "Hey! How do you work around the tail?!"
   "It's fairly easy, actually," Dagger informed the small girl, a smug look on her face as she glanced at Zidane.
   "Dude!" Zidane protested. "Not in public!"
   "Alright. Let's get out of public, then."

She strode over to the young fair-haired man, grabbed his tail firmly, and dragged him off to a more secluded area of the airship.
   "Eeeeeeeeeeek!" Quina shrieked in horror, bolting up the stairs. "Quina too young to see that!"
   "Quina ran into Avatar and Avatara," Steiner inferred, nodding sagely.
   "Well, thank-you, Captain Obvious," Amarant said sarcastically, crossing his arms.
   "I AM STEINER, YOU FLAMING PICKLE!!!!!" the furious knight howled.
   "I think we need a break," Freya commented with a sigh. "Shall we land this puppy?"
   "It isn't a puppy!" Erin chirped, skipping past. "It's an airship!"

Freya watched her pass, then shook her head in despair.
   "Definitely time for a break." Then she stopped and blinked. "Wait a second...if that was Erin, then who's steering the airship?"
Dramatic music played in the background. Freya glared at the band that coincidentally floated past on a soft pink cloud.
   "Hey, stop that! We're in trouble! No time for music!"
Amarant raised his eyebrow at the sight of Freya shouting at a cloud.
   "Yeah, it's time for a break, alright."

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Author's Notes: At last! Editing for the removal of stupid, annoying random symbols! Yezo, to whom this task has fallen, is terribly sorry to have left it for so long.