Chapter 7 - Everyone Knows That!
"I so hungry!" Quina noted sadly.
Steiner shook his head in disbelief.
"Quina! You just ate a Grand Dragon, and my rook!"
"And my ice cream!" Erin added mournfully.
"And my second-best spear," Freya added, glaring. Amarant crossed his arms, but did not lean against anything. The reason for this would become apparent.
"And then, if that wasn't enough, you ate my leanin' wall!"
Quina grinned sheepishly at the angry four assembled opposite him.
"Quina was hungry," he justified with a shrug.
"Next time, order out!" Amarant fumed, then leaned up against something...only to realize that there was nothing there as he collapsed to the ground. "I hate you."
Freya shook her head, dismayed at his forgetfulness.
"Are you an idiot, or something? All of Dagguereo's take-out places are closed by five! Everyone knows that."
"I'm not from Dagguereo! How the hell would I - why am I talking again? Shut up!"
She glared down at him.
"You shut up!"
"YOU shut up!!" he barked, forgetting already that he wasn't talking anymore.
"YOU shut up!!!"
"YOU shut up!!!!!!!!!"
"Make me!"
"'Kay!"
There were two ways this situation could have ended. If Yezo had had her way, he would have leapt from the floor of the airship, caught her in a tight embrace, and kissed her soundly, their very souls intertwining as the love they shared stretched out to all eternity, obliterating everything else from their minds. Serenity. Passion. Fulfillment.
Unfortunately, that did not happen, as Bezo was not nearly the Amarant/Freya 'shipper that Yezo was. Probably no one on the planet was, or is to this day, or ever will be, but this was beside the point.
We shall now tell you what did happen. Amarant did indeed leap from the floor of the airship, and did indeed catch her in a tight embrace. However, the only thing that stretched out for all eternity was the distance he threw her. At least, that's how it seemed to her as she flew through the air, shouting angrily, "YOUR UPPANCE WILL COME, YOU BIG-ARMED, RED-HEADED BASTARD!!!!!!!!!"
All the startled crew watching from the deck of the airship heard of this, however, was "YOU-"
"Huh," Zidane noted idly, "looks like the rest of the guys took care of that Grand Dragon without our help. Listen! You can even hear the victory music!"
He nodded appreciatively, humming along, his stomach harmonizing in a series of growls.
"Hmm...I'm hungry. Well, since we don't have to hurry back to the ship anymore, do you wanna go get pizza, guys?"
Dagger rolled her eyes.
"First of all, Zidane, what ever happened to getting back to the ship before something else went wrong?"
"Well...I'm hungry now," Zidane informed her, wide-eyed and serious.
Dagger continued, wondering what on Gaia she saw in this guy anyway.
"Secondly, all of the take-out places in Daguerreo close at five! Everyone knows that!"
"Well, excuse ME, Ms. Tour-Guide! I didn't know that, and I'm pretty sure Freya didn't know that. Amarant may have, but, y'know, he's been all over."
"Um...guys?" Vivi piped up, scanning the skies anxiously. "You might wanna look at this."
"If it's not about food, I don't care," Zidane replied pettishly, crossing his arms and looking away. Because he was looking away, he was the only one of the party unable to notice the small comet approaching at a dizzying rate, and move accordingly. As we all know, comets are usually unable to control where their paths take them, and as luck would have it (bad luck, that is), this comet's path took it straight into impact with the back of Zidane's preoccupied head.
"I'm having a bad day," he groaned, collapsing to the ground.
"Mine isn't turning out much better," said the comet, adjusting its pointed red hat and glaring at the young genome.
"Oh, hey, Freya," Dagger greeted cheerfully, peeling Zidane from the ground and dusting him off, taking extra time to dust off his shapely posterior (as any good princess would [get crackin,' Amelia!]).
"Hello, Dagger," the dragoon replied, rubbing her forehead wearily and painfully. 'Good grief, is Zidane's skull made of rock, or something?'
"Well, Freya, now that you've caved in the back of my skull and killed 30 000 brain cells, what say we all go find a place to eat?"
"Everywhere around here closes at five," she informed him. "Everyone knows that!"
Dagger nodded her agreement, telegraphing her confusion at how anyone could possibly be so misinformed.
"Who the hell tells you people this stuff?!" Zidane exclaimed. "Oh, never mind! I don't care. Let's just go back to the ship to eat."
Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Eiko wandered in the direction of the ship. A few yards ahead, Dagger stopped and turned.
"Aren't you coming, Freya?"
"No, I think I'll just wander around here for a bit," she replied, reflecting that she'd been sent into orbit enough for one day. Zidane raised an eyebrow.
"Are you sure you want to do that? It's kind of dangerous around here. Grand Dragons everywhere! It's Grand Dragon mating season, you know," he finished with a twitch.
"And Gimme Cats," Dagger added in a whisper, "but don't talk about them."
"I'm sorry; what?" Freya asked, bemused.
"Gimme Cats," Dagger whispered, more emphatically.
"Pardon?"
"Gimme Cats!" Dagger hissed once again.
"Give you pants?" Freya shrugged. "Well, I can understand why; I mean, orange spandex doesn't really suit anyone."
"No!" Dagger barked, before hissing even more emphatically, "Gi-mme- Cats!"
"I'm sorry; you'll have to speak louder."
"Gimme Cats!" Dagger shouted, quite at the end of her tether. Zidane's eye began to twitch dangerously.
"Oh! Well, they're not much of a threat, are they?" Freya reflected with a smile. "All they do is wander around, saying 'Give me a diamond, meow,' right?"
Zidane's twitching eye, as well as the other, non-twitching eye, bugged out, bloodshot, and a familiar pink glow enveloped him. Freya watched, fascinated.
"My goodness! How did he go into trance so quickly?"
"I KILL YOU!!!!" Zidane howled, leaping forward and delivering a mighty power-flick to the stunned Burmecian, who became once again airborne, once again quite against her will. 'You never quite get used to it,' she reflected as she soared in the direction of the ship.
"That was completely unnecessary, Amarant!" Steiner admonished. Amarant glared.
"Bring it."
"T'was merely a comment," Steiner assured him, holding up his hands in a placating gesture.
"Well, it got rid of her," the large man replied with a shrug...immediately before being knocked to the ground as a small shape collided with the back of his significantly larger head. "Ow..."
"Ow..." Freya echoed, climbing to her feet. Amarant followed suit, glaring darkly, which was his principal facial expression, or getting to be, at any rate.
"Why can't I get rid of you?" he demanded mournfully. "You're like a little rat-boomerang."
"And I love you, too, Pooky," she replied dryly.
"Would you stop calling me that?!" he exclaimed, blushing slightly.
"Stop...calling...I've never called you that before!"
He shook his head.
"You must have! I remember, quite clearly. We were on the floor, stuck between two beds, handcuffed together."
"You have the weirdest sex-dreams," Erin commented, shaking her head. "And I thought mine were bad! Oh, Seifer..."
Amarant shrugged. "I thought it was pretty normal. Hey, wait a minute! No! No! It wasn't a dream!"
"I don't remember it," Freya stated. "Do you do this a lot?"
"I've been known to do a few things on a whim and a dare," he replied, unknowingly plugging a short, sadly-neglected erotic tale of Yezo's, written as her alter-ego, Rhianwen.
"Erm...alright. We'll talk about that later," she said with a smile, smacking his butt playfully.
"Was that a whim, or a dare?" he inquired, his goatee hiding a small grin.
"Why don't you find out?"
"Uh...what?"
"...I don't know. It made sense in my head," she replied sheepishly. He raised a hidden eyebrow, disconcerted.
"...Right. Moving on..."
"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKen!!!" Steiner howled, quite unnecessarily, pointing at something far off in the distance. "They return!"
"Seifer?!" Erin called out hopefully, bouncing to the rail of the ship.
"They!" Steiner emphasized. "Plural. THEY return."
"Oh." Erin's face fell. "Well, then I don't care!" With that, she turned with a 'hmph!' and, pausing to snatch up the rest of the chocolate ice cream, she fled to her room below deck.
"Hey!" Crew Member called after her. "Who's gonna fly the ship now?!"
"YOU fly the ship!" came the angry retort.
Crew Member's face lit up.
"Just call me Captain Crew Member! Captain Crew Member to the rescue!"
"Oh, gods," Freya sighed. "Just what we need. More bad jokes."
Steiner simply glared at the young man.
"You are not, nor shall you ever be, my equal in rank! I put my blood, sweat, and tears into working my way up the ziggurat!"
"Ew..." Captain Crew Member wrinkled his nose. "Sounds icky."
"What sounds icky?" Zidane chirped, sauntering on deck.
"Where is Queen Garnet? And Vivi? And Eiko?" Steiner demanded.
"Oh, they're below deck," Zidane replied. "I think Vivi's been traumatized, and Eiko and Dagger are casting Esuna like there's no tomorrow."
"Well, now we know who "they" are, at least," Amarant commented, leaning against a wall that had not been eaten by a hungry Qu. "Keen."
"Keen?" Zidane echoed, looking strangely at him. "Where did that come from?"
"Same place as 'pooky,'" the bounty-hunter replied, delivering an evil glare in Freya's direction.
"Pooky?!" Zidane exclaimed. "What the hell happened while we were gone?! And where are all the walls?!"
"Quina's bad," the Qu announced with an apologetic wave. Zidane continued.
"And...where's Erin? And who's that guy?"
"I am Captain Crew Member! I am the captain of this fine vessel in Erin's absence. And who might you be?"
"Uh...right." Zidane edged away nervously. "Oh, hey, Freya. When did you get back?"
"...Keep that Trancin' Fool away from me! I'll never be able to look at the colour pink again!"
With that, she hid behind Amarant. Zidane shrugged sheepishly.
"Sorry, man, I just can't deal with...those things!"
"What things?" Steiner inquired from the chess-board. "As far as I know, the only creatures around here are Grand Dragons and Gimme Cats."
"Yeah. Uh, just...just don't. Just stop there," Zidane advised, eye beginning once again to twitch violently. Steiner nodded.
"Okay," he agreed, turning back to his chess game, and then realizing that chess, without an opponent, isn't much fun. He pouted.
"What a day," the young thief commented, flopping down on the floor against a wall. "I'm completely drained. I don't think I can take any more surprises right now. How could today possibly get any worse?"
The instant the fatal phrase was out of the foolish young man's foolish young mouth, a familiar voice called out cheerfully,
"Hey, guys!"
Zidane's eyes widened. "Oh...no. Not them! Please, gods, not them!!!"
As he was about to discover, it was, indeed, "them." Avatar and Avatara bounced merrily onto the ship.
"Didn't we leave you behind?" Zidane demanded weakly, pressing a hand to his forehead.
"Yeah!" Avatara chirped. "Twice!"
"I bet you guys feel really stupid right now!" Avatar added, grinning hugely.
"You have no idea," Amarant called. He turned to Freya, who was still huddled behind him, and muttered, "I should have killed them when I had the chance."
"That's just your solution for everything, isn't it?" she observed, rolling her eyes. "Kill this, kill that!"
"Hey, it's served me well so far. And besides, remember who we're talking about here."
"Ah. Right. I see your point. Yes, you definitely should have killed them. Gaia doesn't benefit from their presence at all. 'Ifrit's in your underwear..." she quoted, shaking her head sadly.
"Hey, maybe if we send them to Terra, Kuja will commit suicide," Amarant suggested, smirking. He was rather taken aback when, the irony of the suggestion being completely lost on her, her eyes grew wide.
"You're right!" she exclaimed. "We must hang on to them until then! They could be Gaia's only hope!"
"No, they couldn't," Amarant replied darkly, glaring at the young couple currently engaged in a heated thumb-war. Then he sighed. "At the risk of appearing interested, how the hell did you two get up here, anyway?"
"You talk a lot more than the Amarant in my game," Avatara noted, pouting. "I wanted to meet the quiet, sulky Amarant, the REAL Amarant. Instead, I get this chattery Rasta-Chicken!"
Freya smirked. 'So, I'm NOT the only that sees it...oh, no! I'm thinking like them! AAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!'
Of course, as she did not say this out loud, no one took any notice. Not only this, but it looked rather silly.
"If you must know, Villainous Bigly-Armed Man," Avatar tried to boom, "I plunged the Blade of Masamune into the side of the ship and climbed up with my mighty biceps of steel, one arm holding fast to my blade, the other carrying my beloved."
"We used the ladder, dude," Avatara told him. "The Ladder of JUSTICE!" She struck a dramatic pose.
"Yes," Avatar continued, "and it was most impressive! To be sure, the most impressive climbing of ladder ever seen! Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!"
Steiner shook his head.
"No, no, I think what he meant, was how on earth did you get up this mountain?"
"Earth?" Captain Crew Member repeated, puzzled. "What's a 'earth?'"
"Sorry, sorry, how on Gaia et cetera, et cetera."
"We got a ride from Phoenix," Avatar announced. "He was cruising for babes, and he took one look at Avatara, and decided, 'I gotta get me some of that.' He's dead now."
"He's Phoenix!" Zidane called out from his corner. "He'll be back! Just like you, just like the Gimme Cats, just like Kuja, just like everything that annoys me! Why does everything hate me?!"
He began to glow a dangerous shade of pink. Hee-hee! Dangerous shade of pink! That's so silly. Ahem. Anyway, before the situation could get more out of hand, and just as Freya was in the process of fleeing the room, Dagger walked in, nearly colliding with her. Seeing the faint pinkish glow beginning to spring up around Zidane, she sighed. 'Not again...'
Best to head this off now, before someone else got hurt. She sidled over to Zidane, and, sneaking up behind the young man, enclosed him in a tight embrace, taking a quick moment to give his butt a loving squeeze. The expression of hatred and rage on Zidane's face melted into one of peaceful contentment, with just a bit of surprise at the young woman's boldness, and the dangerous shade of pink, no less silly than before, dissipated into the atmosphere. Yes, for now, Gimme Cats and Freya could rest easy. An apparent cure for Zidane's hair-trigger trance had been found. But would it work again?
Chapter 7.5 - And Now, a Word from Our Sponsors...
Noxema: Genuine Draft
[Lani is seated alone at a table in a tavern. It's loud, dimly-lit, smells of alcohol and vomit, with just a faint hint of blood; altogether, completely typical of the taverns of this area. Elbows propped on the table, Lani heaves a long sigh at the way she is being completely and utterly ignored. She glares scornfully at the men of surrounding tables, all lovingly cuddling their mugs of ale. Just as she is glancing sideways at her axe, thinking that, perhaps, it could use something of a workout, Ruby sidles up and pulls out a chair, putting an arm around Lani's shoulders. From here, she addresses an imaginary camera.]
Ruby: Is this a scene that is all too familiar to you, girls? Do you find that most men completely and utterly neglect your numerous charms, chasing instead after the lure of alcohol? Well, suffer from burning resentment no more!
Lani: An end to burning resentment?! Can such things be?!
Ruby: That's right, my friend! No more burning resentment for you! Burning resentment be gone! But there's more. Have you always loved alcohol, but hated all it has taken from you? Your friends, your job, your self-respect, all your gil, your -
Lani: Okay, enough! I get it. Beer bad!
Ruby: But beer can also be very, very good.
Lani: Tell me more!
Ruby: Sure thing. Noxema: Genuine Draft. The facial cleanser that smells of beer!
Lani: Tastes of beer, too!
Ruby: Okay, give me that! [Tries to snatch a now nearly empty jar of Noxema: Genuine Draft from Lani, who has presumably consumed the better portions of it.]
Lani: No! My facial-cleanser!
Ruby: But you've got to make sure to save some for your face! Otherwise, how will you attract the men?
Lani: Men? Who damn well needs 'em? I've got this! [Cuddles the jar]
Ruby: ...Right. Maybe we need another free sample.
Lani: Yeah, gimme!
Ruby: You have to promise to put this one on your face.
Lani: Yeah, whatever. Gimme!
Ruby: Promise?
Lani: No! Now, gimme!
Ruby: I don't think so.
Lani: [picks up her axe] Gimme more, or I'll cut you to ribbons! [Tries to wield the massive weapon above her head impressively, but, her motor skills and coordination having been drowned in the facial cream's intoxicating effects, she inadvertently hits herself in the head with the handle, and falls to the ground, unconscious.]
Ruby: [with a sigh] I'd just like to point out, the product is supposed to intoxicate men, not you.
Lani: [snore]
Three hours later...
[Ruby is drumming her fingers impatiently on the table, waiting for Lani to wake up. She glances over when an unearthly groan is heard from the floor. Apparently, Lani has woken up.]
Lani: Don't use this product! Hangover from hell! Tell your friends!
Ruby: That was from your axe.
Lani: ...Oh.
TV Producer Blank (offscreen): Duuuude!
Ruby: Don't worry, Blank-honey. We'll edit that out. Just make sure you remember to, sugar.
Blank (o.s.): Sure, no problem.
[Blank, in his office, turns back to his computer]
Blank: Oh, you're going down, Spider Solitaire! Hahaha!!!
[Cut back to the tavern.]
Ruby: So, do ya wanna try out some of the product now, kiddo? On your face, this time?
Lani: Don' call me kiddo! I got six times the cup size you do!
Ruby: Sure, whatever. I declare, hon, you're developing a Tifa-complex.
Lani: Wha's a 'complex?' Wha's a 'Tifa?'
Ruby: Just...promise me you'll use it on your face this time.
Lani: Wha's a 'face?'
Ruby: That's it; you're never drinkin' again.
Lani: They've told me that before. But I came back! I'll always come back!! YOU BASTARDS CAN'T KEEP ME DOWN FOR LONG!!!!
[Lani bolts from the tavern, presumably in search of another one, then bolts back in and steals the jar on the table in front of Ruby.]
Ruby: Uh...anyway...I think we need a new spokesperson. And some more Noxema: Genuine Draft. [Grins at the imaginary camera, doing a horribly cheesy thumbs-up.]
[Quina wanders into the tavern.]
Quina: [to bartender] Two-hundred orders frog's legs, please.
Ruby: Perfect. If there's a butt-uglier creature anywhere out there, I have yet to see 'em!
[She rises from her chair. She passes by a painting of Queen Brahne on the wall]
Ruby: Okay, fine, I getcher point. [She continues on to the line up, where Quina is awaiting his food.] Hi, there. How'd you like to help me out with something, honey?
Quina: Quina eat first.
Bartender: They won't be ready for a good half-hour, son.
Quina: [with a sigh] Quina's tastes, tragically, take time to tempt. Fine, Quina will help.
Ruby: Ah! Thank-you. Now, hold still for a moment.
[She dips a finger into the jar, and smears the cream off on Quina's cheek.]
Quina: Argh! Burns!
Ruby: Oh, that's just the beer. Don't worry about it one bit, dearie.
Quina: [with a sigh} Things I do for pursuit of science. [Stops, listens very carefully] Storm coming on? Sounds like...thunder.
[What Quina hears is not thunder, but rather, the pounding of a thousand feet upon the wooden floorboards of the inn, as every man within a hundred- mile radius finds himself drawn, made a hopeful suitor of the completely confused, yet every so bewitchingly-scented Qu.]
Hapless Suitor #1: You're short, fat, funny-looking, and of indeterminate gender, but...I love you.
Hapless Suitor #2: But not nearly so much as I do! The burning in my very soul, much like a fire that is...lit...in my soul...by the match of your indescribable charm.
Hapless Suitor #3: Hey! I love it! Back off, guys!
Hapless Suitor #87: I don't love you, but can I lick your cheek?
Quina: Quina scared! Quina leaving! Quina FLEE!!!
[Quina clinks two forks together and turns around and bolts from the tavern.]
Ruby: Well, there you have it, folks. If Noxema: Genuine Draft can make a man like that desirable to men, how much more can it do for you?
[Fade out.]
"I so hungry!" Quina noted sadly.
Steiner shook his head in disbelief.
"Quina! You just ate a Grand Dragon, and my rook!"
"And my ice cream!" Erin added mournfully.
"And my second-best spear," Freya added, glaring. Amarant crossed his arms, but did not lean against anything. The reason for this would become apparent.
"And then, if that wasn't enough, you ate my leanin' wall!"
Quina grinned sheepishly at the angry four assembled opposite him.
"Quina was hungry," he justified with a shrug.
"Next time, order out!" Amarant fumed, then leaned up against something...only to realize that there was nothing there as he collapsed to the ground. "I hate you."
Freya shook her head, dismayed at his forgetfulness.
"Are you an idiot, or something? All of Dagguereo's take-out places are closed by five! Everyone knows that."
"I'm not from Dagguereo! How the hell would I - why am I talking again? Shut up!"
She glared down at him.
"You shut up!"
"YOU shut up!!" he barked, forgetting already that he wasn't talking anymore.
"YOU shut up!!!"
"YOU shut up!!!!!!!!!"
"Make me!"
"'Kay!"
There were two ways this situation could have ended. If Yezo had had her way, he would have leapt from the floor of the airship, caught her in a tight embrace, and kissed her soundly, their very souls intertwining as the love they shared stretched out to all eternity, obliterating everything else from their minds. Serenity. Passion. Fulfillment.
Unfortunately, that did not happen, as Bezo was not nearly the Amarant/Freya 'shipper that Yezo was. Probably no one on the planet was, or is to this day, or ever will be, but this was beside the point.
We shall now tell you what did happen. Amarant did indeed leap from the floor of the airship, and did indeed catch her in a tight embrace. However, the only thing that stretched out for all eternity was the distance he threw her. At least, that's how it seemed to her as she flew through the air, shouting angrily, "YOUR UPPANCE WILL COME, YOU BIG-ARMED, RED-HEADED BASTARD!!!!!!!!!"
All the startled crew watching from the deck of the airship heard of this, however, was "YOU-"
"Huh," Zidane noted idly, "looks like the rest of the guys took care of that Grand Dragon without our help. Listen! You can even hear the victory music!"
He nodded appreciatively, humming along, his stomach harmonizing in a series of growls.
"Hmm...I'm hungry. Well, since we don't have to hurry back to the ship anymore, do you wanna go get pizza, guys?"
Dagger rolled her eyes.
"First of all, Zidane, what ever happened to getting back to the ship before something else went wrong?"
"Well...I'm hungry now," Zidane informed her, wide-eyed and serious.
Dagger continued, wondering what on Gaia she saw in this guy anyway.
"Secondly, all of the take-out places in Daguerreo close at five! Everyone knows that!"
"Well, excuse ME, Ms. Tour-Guide! I didn't know that, and I'm pretty sure Freya didn't know that. Amarant may have, but, y'know, he's been all over."
"Um...guys?" Vivi piped up, scanning the skies anxiously. "You might wanna look at this."
"If it's not about food, I don't care," Zidane replied pettishly, crossing his arms and looking away. Because he was looking away, he was the only one of the party unable to notice the small comet approaching at a dizzying rate, and move accordingly. As we all know, comets are usually unable to control where their paths take them, and as luck would have it (bad luck, that is), this comet's path took it straight into impact with the back of Zidane's preoccupied head.
"I'm having a bad day," he groaned, collapsing to the ground.
"Mine isn't turning out much better," said the comet, adjusting its pointed red hat and glaring at the young genome.
"Oh, hey, Freya," Dagger greeted cheerfully, peeling Zidane from the ground and dusting him off, taking extra time to dust off his shapely posterior (as any good princess would [get crackin,' Amelia!]).
"Hello, Dagger," the dragoon replied, rubbing her forehead wearily and painfully. 'Good grief, is Zidane's skull made of rock, or something?'
"Well, Freya, now that you've caved in the back of my skull and killed 30 000 brain cells, what say we all go find a place to eat?"
"Everywhere around here closes at five," she informed him. "Everyone knows that!"
Dagger nodded her agreement, telegraphing her confusion at how anyone could possibly be so misinformed.
"Who the hell tells you people this stuff?!" Zidane exclaimed. "Oh, never mind! I don't care. Let's just go back to the ship to eat."
Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Eiko wandered in the direction of the ship. A few yards ahead, Dagger stopped and turned.
"Aren't you coming, Freya?"
"No, I think I'll just wander around here for a bit," she replied, reflecting that she'd been sent into orbit enough for one day. Zidane raised an eyebrow.
"Are you sure you want to do that? It's kind of dangerous around here. Grand Dragons everywhere! It's Grand Dragon mating season, you know," he finished with a twitch.
"And Gimme Cats," Dagger added in a whisper, "but don't talk about them."
"I'm sorry; what?" Freya asked, bemused.
"Gimme Cats," Dagger whispered, more emphatically.
"Pardon?"
"Gimme Cats!" Dagger hissed once again.
"Give you pants?" Freya shrugged. "Well, I can understand why; I mean, orange spandex doesn't really suit anyone."
"No!" Dagger barked, before hissing even more emphatically, "Gi-mme- Cats!"
"I'm sorry; you'll have to speak louder."
"Gimme Cats!" Dagger shouted, quite at the end of her tether. Zidane's eye began to twitch dangerously.
"Oh! Well, they're not much of a threat, are they?" Freya reflected with a smile. "All they do is wander around, saying 'Give me a diamond, meow,' right?"
Zidane's twitching eye, as well as the other, non-twitching eye, bugged out, bloodshot, and a familiar pink glow enveloped him. Freya watched, fascinated.
"My goodness! How did he go into trance so quickly?"
"I KILL YOU!!!!" Zidane howled, leaping forward and delivering a mighty power-flick to the stunned Burmecian, who became once again airborne, once again quite against her will. 'You never quite get used to it,' she reflected as she soared in the direction of the ship.
"That was completely unnecessary, Amarant!" Steiner admonished. Amarant glared.
"Bring it."
"T'was merely a comment," Steiner assured him, holding up his hands in a placating gesture.
"Well, it got rid of her," the large man replied with a shrug...immediately before being knocked to the ground as a small shape collided with the back of his significantly larger head. "Ow..."
"Ow..." Freya echoed, climbing to her feet. Amarant followed suit, glaring darkly, which was his principal facial expression, or getting to be, at any rate.
"Why can't I get rid of you?" he demanded mournfully. "You're like a little rat-boomerang."
"And I love you, too, Pooky," she replied dryly.
"Would you stop calling me that?!" he exclaimed, blushing slightly.
"Stop...calling...I've never called you that before!"
He shook his head.
"You must have! I remember, quite clearly. We were on the floor, stuck between two beds, handcuffed together."
"You have the weirdest sex-dreams," Erin commented, shaking her head. "And I thought mine were bad! Oh, Seifer..."
Amarant shrugged. "I thought it was pretty normal. Hey, wait a minute! No! No! It wasn't a dream!"
"I don't remember it," Freya stated. "Do you do this a lot?"
"I've been known to do a few things on a whim and a dare," he replied, unknowingly plugging a short, sadly-neglected erotic tale of Yezo's, written as her alter-ego, Rhianwen.
"Erm...alright. We'll talk about that later," she said with a smile, smacking his butt playfully.
"Was that a whim, or a dare?" he inquired, his goatee hiding a small grin.
"Why don't you find out?"
"Uh...what?"
"...I don't know. It made sense in my head," she replied sheepishly. He raised a hidden eyebrow, disconcerted.
"...Right. Moving on..."
"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKen!!!" Steiner howled, quite unnecessarily, pointing at something far off in the distance. "They return!"
"Seifer?!" Erin called out hopefully, bouncing to the rail of the ship.
"They!" Steiner emphasized. "Plural. THEY return."
"Oh." Erin's face fell. "Well, then I don't care!" With that, she turned with a 'hmph!' and, pausing to snatch up the rest of the chocolate ice cream, she fled to her room below deck.
"Hey!" Crew Member called after her. "Who's gonna fly the ship now?!"
"YOU fly the ship!" came the angry retort.
Crew Member's face lit up.
"Just call me Captain Crew Member! Captain Crew Member to the rescue!"
"Oh, gods," Freya sighed. "Just what we need. More bad jokes."
Steiner simply glared at the young man.
"You are not, nor shall you ever be, my equal in rank! I put my blood, sweat, and tears into working my way up the ziggurat!"
"Ew..." Captain Crew Member wrinkled his nose. "Sounds icky."
"What sounds icky?" Zidane chirped, sauntering on deck.
"Where is Queen Garnet? And Vivi? And Eiko?" Steiner demanded.
"Oh, they're below deck," Zidane replied. "I think Vivi's been traumatized, and Eiko and Dagger are casting Esuna like there's no tomorrow."
"Well, now we know who "they" are, at least," Amarant commented, leaning against a wall that had not been eaten by a hungry Qu. "Keen."
"Keen?" Zidane echoed, looking strangely at him. "Where did that come from?"
"Same place as 'pooky,'" the bounty-hunter replied, delivering an evil glare in Freya's direction.
"Pooky?!" Zidane exclaimed. "What the hell happened while we were gone?! And where are all the walls?!"
"Quina's bad," the Qu announced with an apologetic wave. Zidane continued.
"And...where's Erin? And who's that guy?"
"I am Captain Crew Member! I am the captain of this fine vessel in Erin's absence. And who might you be?"
"Uh...right." Zidane edged away nervously. "Oh, hey, Freya. When did you get back?"
"...Keep that Trancin' Fool away from me! I'll never be able to look at the colour pink again!"
With that, she hid behind Amarant. Zidane shrugged sheepishly.
"Sorry, man, I just can't deal with...those things!"
"What things?" Steiner inquired from the chess-board. "As far as I know, the only creatures around here are Grand Dragons and Gimme Cats."
"Yeah. Uh, just...just don't. Just stop there," Zidane advised, eye beginning once again to twitch violently. Steiner nodded.
"Okay," he agreed, turning back to his chess game, and then realizing that chess, without an opponent, isn't much fun. He pouted.
"What a day," the young thief commented, flopping down on the floor against a wall. "I'm completely drained. I don't think I can take any more surprises right now. How could today possibly get any worse?"
The instant the fatal phrase was out of the foolish young man's foolish young mouth, a familiar voice called out cheerfully,
"Hey, guys!"
Zidane's eyes widened. "Oh...no. Not them! Please, gods, not them!!!"
As he was about to discover, it was, indeed, "them." Avatar and Avatara bounced merrily onto the ship.
"Didn't we leave you behind?" Zidane demanded weakly, pressing a hand to his forehead.
"Yeah!" Avatara chirped. "Twice!"
"I bet you guys feel really stupid right now!" Avatar added, grinning hugely.
"You have no idea," Amarant called. He turned to Freya, who was still huddled behind him, and muttered, "I should have killed them when I had the chance."
"That's just your solution for everything, isn't it?" she observed, rolling her eyes. "Kill this, kill that!"
"Hey, it's served me well so far. And besides, remember who we're talking about here."
"Ah. Right. I see your point. Yes, you definitely should have killed them. Gaia doesn't benefit from their presence at all. 'Ifrit's in your underwear..." she quoted, shaking her head sadly.
"Hey, maybe if we send them to Terra, Kuja will commit suicide," Amarant suggested, smirking. He was rather taken aback when, the irony of the suggestion being completely lost on her, her eyes grew wide.
"You're right!" she exclaimed. "We must hang on to them until then! They could be Gaia's only hope!"
"No, they couldn't," Amarant replied darkly, glaring at the young couple currently engaged in a heated thumb-war. Then he sighed. "At the risk of appearing interested, how the hell did you two get up here, anyway?"
"You talk a lot more than the Amarant in my game," Avatara noted, pouting. "I wanted to meet the quiet, sulky Amarant, the REAL Amarant. Instead, I get this chattery Rasta-Chicken!"
Freya smirked. 'So, I'm NOT the only that sees it...oh, no! I'm thinking like them! AAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!'
Of course, as she did not say this out loud, no one took any notice. Not only this, but it looked rather silly.
"If you must know, Villainous Bigly-Armed Man," Avatar tried to boom, "I plunged the Blade of Masamune into the side of the ship and climbed up with my mighty biceps of steel, one arm holding fast to my blade, the other carrying my beloved."
"We used the ladder, dude," Avatara told him. "The Ladder of JUSTICE!" She struck a dramatic pose.
"Yes," Avatar continued, "and it was most impressive! To be sure, the most impressive climbing of ladder ever seen! Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!"
Steiner shook his head.
"No, no, I think what he meant, was how on earth did you get up this mountain?"
"Earth?" Captain Crew Member repeated, puzzled. "What's a 'earth?'"
"Sorry, sorry, how on Gaia et cetera, et cetera."
"We got a ride from Phoenix," Avatar announced. "He was cruising for babes, and he took one look at Avatara, and decided, 'I gotta get me some of that.' He's dead now."
"He's Phoenix!" Zidane called out from his corner. "He'll be back! Just like you, just like the Gimme Cats, just like Kuja, just like everything that annoys me! Why does everything hate me?!"
He began to glow a dangerous shade of pink. Hee-hee! Dangerous shade of pink! That's so silly. Ahem. Anyway, before the situation could get more out of hand, and just as Freya was in the process of fleeing the room, Dagger walked in, nearly colliding with her. Seeing the faint pinkish glow beginning to spring up around Zidane, she sighed. 'Not again...'
Best to head this off now, before someone else got hurt. She sidled over to Zidane, and, sneaking up behind the young man, enclosed him in a tight embrace, taking a quick moment to give his butt a loving squeeze. The expression of hatred and rage on Zidane's face melted into one of peaceful contentment, with just a bit of surprise at the young woman's boldness, and the dangerous shade of pink, no less silly than before, dissipated into the atmosphere. Yes, for now, Gimme Cats and Freya could rest easy. An apparent cure for Zidane's hair-trigger trance had been found. But would it work again?
Chapter 7.5 - And Now, a Word from Our Sponsors...
Noxema: Genuine Draft
[Lani is seated alone at a table in a tavern. It's loud, dimly-lit, smells of alcohol and vomit, with just a faint hint of blood; altogether, completely typical of the taverns of this area. Elbows propped on the table, Lani heaves a long sigh at the way she is being completely and utterly ignored. She glares scornfully at the men of surrounding tables, all lovingly cuddling their mugs of ale. Just as she is glancing sideways at her axe, thinking that, perhaps, it could use something of a workout, Ruby sidles up and pulls out a chair, putting an arm around Lani's shoulders. From here, she addresses an imaginary camera.]
Ruby: Is this a scene that is all too familiar to you, girls? Do you find that most men completely and utterly neglect your numerous charms, chasing instead after the lure of alcohol? Well, suffer from burning resentment no more!
Lani: An end to burning resentment?! Can such things be?!
Ruby: That's right, my friend! No more burning resentment for you! Burning resentment be gone! But there's more. Have you always loved alcohol, but hated all it has taken from you? Your friends, your job, your self-respect, all your gil, your -
Lani: Okay, enough! I get it. Beer bad!
Ruby: But beer can also be very, very good.
Lani: Tell me more!
Ruby: Sure thing. Noxema: Genuine Draft. The facial cleanser that smells of beer!
Lani: Tastes of beer, too!
Ruby: Okay, give me that! [Tries to snatch a now nearly empty jar of Noxema: Genuine Draft from Lani, who has presumably consumed the better portions of it.]
Lani: No! My facial-cleanser!
Ruby: But you've got to make sure to save some for your face! Otherwise, how will you attract the men?
Lani: Men? Who damn well needs 'em? I've got this! [Cuddles the jar]
Ruby: ...Right. Maybe we need another free sample.
Lani: Yeah, gimme!
Ruby: You have to promise to put this one on your face.
Lani: Yeah, whatever. Gimme!
Ruby: Promise?
Lani: No! Now, gimme!
Ruby: I don't think so.
Lani: [picks up her axe] Gimme more, or I'll cut you to ribbons! [Tries to wield the massive weapon above her head impressively, but, her motor skills and coordination having been drowned in the facial cream's intoxicating effects, she inadvertently hits herself in the head with the handle, and falls to the ground, unconscious.]
Ruby: [with a sigh] I'd just like to point out, the product is supposed to intoxicate men, not you.
Lani: [snore]
Three hours later...
[Ruby is drumming her fingers impatiently on the table, waiting for Lani to wake up. She glances over when an unearthly groan is heard from the floor. Apparently, Lani has woken up.]
Lani: Don't use this product! Hangover from hell! Tell your friends!
Ruby: That was from your axe.
Lani: ...Oh.
TV Producer Blank (offscreen): Duuuude!
Ruby: Don't worry, Blank-honey. We'll edit that out. Just make sure you remember to, sugar.
Blank (o.s.): Sure, no problem.
[Blank, in his office, turns back to his computer]
Blank: Oh, you're going down, Spider Solitaire! Hahaha!!!
[Cut back to the tavern.]
Ruby: So, do ya wanna try out some of the product now, kiddo? On your face, this time?
Lani: Don' call me kiddo! I got six times the cup size you do!
Ruby: Sure, whatever. I declare, hon, you're developing a Tifa-complex.
Lani: Wha's a 'complex?' Wha's a 'Tifa?'
Ruby: Just...promise me you'll use it on your face this time.
Lani: Wha's a 'face?'
Ruby: That's it; you're never drinkin' again.
Lani: They've told me that before. But I came back! I'll always come back!! YOU BASTARDS CAN'T KEEP ME DOWN FOR LONG!!!!
[Lani bolts from the tavern, presumably in search of another one, then bolts back in and steals the jar on the table in front of Ruby.]
Ruby: Uh...anyway...I think we need a new spokesperson. And some more Noxema: Genuine Draft. [Grins at the imaginary camera, doing a horribly cheesy thumbs-up.]
[Quina wanders into the tavern.]
Quina: [to bartender] Two-hundred orders frog's legs, please.
Ruby: Perfect. If there's a butt-uglier creature anywhere out there, I have yet to see 'em!
[She rises from her chair. She passes by a painting of Queen Brahne on the wall]
Ruby: Okay, fine, I getcher point. [She continues on to the line up, where Quina is awaiting his food.] Hi, there. How'd you like to help me out with something, honey?
Quina: Quina eat first.
Bartender: They won't be ready for a good half-hour, son.
Quina: [with a sigh] Quina's tastes, tragically, take time to tempt. Fine, Quina will help.
Ruby: Ah! Thank-you. Now, hold still for a moment.
[She dips a finger into the jar, and smears the cream off on Quina's cheek.]
Quina: Argh! Burns!
Ruby: Oh, that's just the beer. Don't worry about it one bit, dearie.
Quina: [with a sigh} Things I do for pursuit of science. [Stops, listens very carefully] Storm coming on? Sounds like...thunder.
[What Quina hears is not thunder, but rather, the pounding of a thousand feet upon the wooden floorboards of the inn, as every man within a hundred- mile radius finds himself drawn, made a hopeful suitor of the completely confused, yet every so bewitchingly-scented Qu.]
Hapless Suitor #1: You're short, fat, funny-looking, and of indeterminate gender, but...I love you.
Hapless Suitor #2: But not nearly so much as I do! The burning in my very soul, much like a fire that is...lit...in my soul...by the match of your indescribable charm.
Hapless Suitor #3: Hey! I love it! Back off, guys!
Hapless Suitor #87: I don't love you, but can I lick your cheek?
Quina: Quina scared! Quina leaving! Quina FLEE!!!
[Quina clinks two forks together and turns around and bolts from the tavern.]
Ruby: Well, there you have it, folks. If Noxema: Genuine Draft can make a man like that desirable to men, how much more can it do for you?
[Fade out.]