Chapter 11 - Not the Brightest Tonberry In the Bunch
Meanwhile, in Eidolon Land, Bahamut was recovering from the King of all Hangovers. With the King of all Ice Packs propped jauntily on his head, lying back in the King of all Recliners, Bahamut was feelin' pretty miserable.
"Hey, hey, hey!" he exclaimed, swiping angrily at the camera-man. "Bugger off!"
Meanwhile, back in Ipsen's Castle, Amarant was quite hopelessly lost.
"Dammit! I'm quite hopelessly lost. What? I would NOT say that!"
He threw the script aside in disgust.
"Screw this! I'm winging it," he decided aloud. "I don't need this crap. From here on out, I am no longer talking around any of those idiots! I could do much better on my own than they could with a full party. Of twenty. Go me. Yeah. I'd really better stop talking."
Five seconds later...
"I'm bored. Maybe I should go find those plates. Mirrors. Dammit!"
He pushed off of the upside-down pillar and started up the upside-down staircase...and then promptly fell off.
"Ow...that was really stupid. I think Zidane and the idiot brigade is rubbing off on me."
Picking himself up, he started up a right-side-up staircase. Then, at the top of the stairs, he leaned against another pillar, crossing his arms.
"Whew...I almost went into withdrawal. Yeah," he sighed happily, "that's the stuff."
Then, with a frown, he shifted uncomfortably against the pillar.
"Something doesn't feel right. Something's...missing. Something little and furry and red and white. It's on the tip of my mind, but...it just isn't jumping...jumping out at me. Oh, well. On with my adventure. Whoo."
Pushing off from a whole new pillar, he set back off down the ornately, but invertedly decorated hallway.
Meanwhile, in an Eidolon Bistro, we join Ifrit and Shiva on their first date. Aww...
"Y'know, Shiva," Ifrit began, frowning at the dish before him, "I think we messed up on what we ordered for dessert. I think YOU should have ordered the ice cream, and I should have ordered the chocolate fondue. Now, all you have is a frozen block of chocolate and some frozen bananas, and all I have...is a big puddle of vanilla goo."
"Oh, stop complaining, Ifrit," Shiva sighed, nibbling on her block of chocolate.
"Yes, dear," he agreed meekly.
"God, Ifrit got whipped fast!" Odin commented from Odin's Cool Hat Land.
"You said it, Odin," Carbuncle, also Bahamut-in-Training, slurred from where he was slumped over the bar.
"Oh, lord," Freya sighed as the ring of Tonberries closed around them. "I ask them to hold off on the killing, they agree. Blithely, I think that means they'll actually do it. What in the hell makes me believe them?"
"I don't care what you say, Bezo, it's still a bloody twig!" Yezo informed her boyfriend icily.
"Apologize to the sword, tail-wielding wench!" Bezo commanded sternly.
Said tail of Yezo's expanded to the size of three tails, as tends to happen to cat-like creatures when they get angry.
"I am not apologizing to the twig!"
"Bezo! Yezo! Argue about whether that thing is a sword or a twig later! Twig, by the way," she added under her breath. "There are about thirty- seven Tonberrys advancing menacingly on us!"
"Thirty-eight," a thirty-eighth Tonberry announced, scuttling over to the rest of the group. "I slept in."
"Right," Freya sighed. "As you can see, we are in quite a lot of danger, and it really isn't any time for a lovers' spat!"
"We shall stop 'spatting' when she apologizes for belittling Masamune," Bezo announced huffily.
"Fine," Yezo replied airily. "I am sorry you're delusional."
"AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!!!! NAMAGOMI!!!" Bezo howled, leaping at the cat-eared love of his life, swinging his twig furiously.
"It isn't a twig!" he told the narrator angrily.
Yezo, having no concept of the fact that he was trying to kill her, bounced merrily around the green, lizardy ring, singing as she went,
"Bezo's got a twii-iig! Bezo's got a twii-iig!"
"Yezo's gonna dii-iie! Yezo's gonna dii-iie!" Bezo sang back in reply, unknowingly taking out a number of Tonberrys with his wild swinging of twig.
"I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6, switch. Crazy going slowly am I, 6-5- 4-3-2-1, switch..." Freya sang softly to herself, stepping between the gap left by a now-absent Tonberry.
"The hiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, with the sound of musiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" sang a voice in a beautiful, ringing, operatic tone.
"What?!" everyone exclaimed as one.
"Sorry, sorry, I thought that was the game," Tonberry #32 admitted sheepishly.
"He never wanted to be a Tonberry," Tonberry #5 said to Tonberry #17. "He always wanted to be a lumberjack."
"I woulda thought opera singer, meself," Tonberry #17 replied.
"Nah, that's just his hobby," Tonberry #5 informed him. Tonberry #17 nodded.
"So, you goin' to the game after the battle?"
"Eh, depends on whether or not I live, I guess. But, yeah. If I can."
"Hear it's the Treno Cerberi against the Alexandrian Blonde Thong-Wearing Soldier Girls."
"Ooh, gotta love those Thong-Wearing Soldier Girls."
"Who the heck are the cheerleaders in that city?"
"The Knights of Pluto. Poor bastards."
It was at about this point that the conversation came to an abrupt end, as Tonberry #17 was obliterated from existence, followed quickly by Tonberry #5. Alas, they never made it to that game...
Finally, Bezo came to a halt, huffing and puffing.
"Dammit, Yezo, hold still so I can slay you!" he called mournfully to the still-bouncing female. "Just...give me a minute to catch my breath and then I'll slay you."
"Whatever, honey," she agreed, bouncing past and giving him a warm hug.
"I can't stay mad at you," he observed with a fond sigh. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened, and his hair began to stand on end. "What...what is this? I don't know, but I likes it! I likes it a lot! Power! Glory! Experience points! Finally! I am Level 31! Ah-hah! I have beat you, Yezo!"
"I...don't believe it," Freya began, gazing around the circle of dead Tonberrys, rapidly vanishing. "They've proved themselves useful! And it only took eleven chapters. Well, I suppose it's better than if they had instantly surpassed us all in power, skill, good looks, and charisma, and gone on to defeat Kuja single-handedly, but not before teaching him the power of love."
"Yeah, that's something," Amarant agreed, stalking past and then out of sight again. "See ya."
"But...but...oh, whatever," she sighed. Then she turned to Bezo and Yezo, who were skipping merrily around, collecting the gil scattered about on the floor. "Can we move along, please?"
"I got experience! I got experience!" Bezo sang, cuddling his twig.
"I'm Level 32 now!" Yezo announced, peeling herself from the floor and wiping from her shoe the remnants of the Tonberry that she had slain by tripping over it.
"The stupid ones always stumble upon victory," Freya sighed, shaking her head.
"Uh...don't the stupid ones always die?" Bezo asked, scratching his head.
"If there were justice in the world, yes," she replied wearily.
Bezo shrugged, and then sighed mournfully.
"Why am I always one step behind her?" he demanded of Fate, gesturing to Yezo who was still in the process of poking the remains of the unmoving Tonberry, and wondering sadly why nothing wanted to be her friend. At this question, she glanced up.
"It's 'cause I've got a longer stride."
"Is that a short joke?" Bezo demanded, glaring up at her. Keep in mind, everyone, that she is still on the ground.
"No!" she hastened to assure him. Then, after pondering this for a moment, "well, maybe a little." Another pause. "Yeah, it is."
"Hmph! Well, Masamune loves and respects me!"
The twig raised its leafy eyebrow incredulously. 'What are you thinking?' it thought to itself. Or would have, were it not a twig and thus quite inanimate.
"I love you!" Yezo assured him, cuddling him and, with her free hand, gently lowering the twig to the ground.
"I love you, too! Let's never fight again," Bezo suggested, shiny-eyed.
"Wonderful," Freya commented boredly. "They've come to an agreement. Maybe now, we can continue with the plot."
"Let's leave the twig here," Yezo suggested.
"DIE, BITCH!" he howled, shoving her away and clutching the twig protectively.
"Let's get a move-on, shall we?" Freya sighed, once again relegated to the voice of reason and resenting it rather strongly. 'Why can't I occasionally be unreasonable?!' she demanded silently. 'Why can't I go insane, bug my eyes out, and waggle my tongue back and forth, making absurd noises?!'
In her mind, Amarant walked up to her, raised an eyebrow suggestively (not that anyone could have seen it), and said, "Y'know, if you really wanna waggle your tongue around..."
She sighed happily. Then reality dawned on her once again. The next sigh would not be so happy.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, people were doing other things. This story is not about them, however, and so this is really beside the point.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Steiner were doing absolutely nothing, as they had come to a dead end, and could not figure out for the life of them how to get that bloody wall out of the way.
"I just don't know what to do with this wall anymore," Zidane announced, annoyed.
"You could knock!" Dagger suggested.
"You could pound it!" Steiner suggested.
"You could kick it!" Vivi suggested.
"Yeah!" Blank exclaimed exultantly. "Kick its ass!"
"Blank!" Zidane frowned severely at his long-time pal. "You're not here!"
"Oh, yeah! Geez!" Blank laughed before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
"This is a strange castle," Steiner lamented.
"Yeah, we know!" Zidane told him. "So, what do we do about this wall?"
"Knock on it!" Dagger reiterated.
Zidane knocked. Nothing.
"Pound it!" Steiner howled.
Zidane pounded accordingly. Nothing.
"Kick its ass! Kick its ass!" Vivi insisted, bouncing up and down in a frightening lapse of characterization.
Zidane kicked and kicked, before wondering to himself exactly what part of the wall could be termed the 'ass.'
"It's just not working," he huffed. "I may have to...try something drastic."
Vivi, Dagger, and Steiner gasped.
"Not...SOMETHING DRASTIC!"
"Something drastic," Zidane replied, hitching up his belt.
He backed up, motioned for everyone to get out of the way, and then charged toward the door, howling his battle cry of "FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!!!!"
The 'm' of 'freedom' was effectively cut off as shoulder connected with wall in a way that shook the very foundations of the castle.
"What the hell was that?!" Bezo demanded.
"I don't know," an approaching Tonberry replied, "but it shook the very foundations of the castle!"
"Time for Level 33!" Bezo announced jubilantly, diving at the creature.
"Ow..." Zidane whimpered against the freezing stone of the floor. "Did it work?"
"Nein," Stiener sighed, waving frantically to clear away the cloud of dust, and then grabbing the youth and hauling him to his feet.
"Ten!" Vivi added brightly. Upon observing everyone's puzzled gazes, he shrank back into his cloak. "I thought that's what we were playing..."
"I don't know how the hell I'm ever gonna beat this stupid wall!" Zidane exclaimed mournfully. "Gah! Maybe Amarant's onto something. Maybe there's just no point in trying."
With that, he leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms petulantly.
As the wall gave way, spinning about and depositing him in a secret room, he reflected smugly that the wall had fallen for the ol' trick. Exactly what this ol' trick was escaped him utterly, but one must remember that it is the thought that counts.
"Zidane!" Dagger called, worried, as the wall spun about and the young man disappeared from view.
"I'm okay!" came the muffled reply. "Aw, geez! All that for an Ether?!" A hefty sigh. "Okay, everyone, stand aside. I'm gonna come back through now."
A pause. Dagger and Steiner exchanged nervous glances. Vivi merely looked on with huge yellow eyes.
"Zidane?" Dagger ventured. "Are you coming back now?"
"I'm trying," he replied, annoyed.
"I...don't suppose it would work to knock on the wall," Steiner sighed.
"Or to pound it," Dagger added sadly.
"Or to kick its ass," Vivi put in.
"No, no, and...Vivi, walls do NOT have asses, okay?!"
"O-okay..."
"Well, guys," the wall spoke up in Zidane's voice. "I think I'm gonna have to try something drastic again."
With three gasps of horror of varying pitch, Vivi, Dagger and Steiner stepped away from the wall, a very wise self-preservation technique. The next second after that, a muffled howl that vaguely resembled 'FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" rang out through the castle, and another second after that, the very foundations of the castle found themselves shaken again.
"Dangit!" Foundation Billy-Bob said to Foundation Jimmy-Joe. "We dun be shakin' again, I reckon."
"Yyyyup," Foundation Jimmy-Joe agreed.
As the dust began to settle once again, Steiner, Dagger, and Vivi, who was really beginning to reconsider his decision to wear his contacts that day - until it occurred to him that he hadn't worn them, as he didn't have any - stared anxiously at the wall. Alas, there was no sign of Zidane.
"Ow..." the wall whimpered. Or at least, the boy behind the wall.
"Zidane!" Dagger exclaimed impatiently. "Just do what you did last time!"
"But I can't REMEMBER what I did last time!" the wall whined. "And y'know what? I don't care! Hmph!"
Apparently, though, he had stumbled upon the actions that had proven successful once already, for the next instant, the wall spun about at a blinding speed, and Zidane shot across the room, at which point he collided head-first with the wall across from the spinning one.
"Ow..." he whimpered again as Steiner rushed over to peel him from the cold, hard, and very stony stone.
Then, once he was set properly back on his feet, a soft snicker floated toward him. He gazed reproachfully at the beautiful young love of his life.
"Dagger! Quit laughing at me!"
"Sorry," she said, suppressing her laughter with great difficulty. This plan, of course, lasted all of ten seconds, before she erupted once again into a fit of laughter.
"Never mind," Zidane pouted. "Let's just go find those collector Elvis plates before Amarant can get 'em."
With a stunning display of synchronized shrugging, Steiner, Vivi, and Dagger followed Zidane across the hall, decorated grandly with upside-down tapestries, inside-out carpets, and the like, to a small elevator-like contraption.
"Goin' up," Zidane announced with a chuckle as the lift creaked and shuddered to life.
"Great," Amarant commented, staring helplessly at the four mirrors stuck into the wall. "I found them. Now what?"
'You could...take them,' a voice that sounded oddly like Wakko suggested.
"Why would I want to do that?" Amarant scoffed. "If I took them, I'd have to carry them all the way back."
'Amarant, Amarant, Amarant,' Wacko sighed.
"Shut up, Wakko!"
"Uh...what was that?" Zidane inquired mildly, sauntering into the room. "Oh, hey, Amarant. So, who's Wakko?"
"Shut up, Zidane. Well. Now that you're here, I can get started rubbing it in your face that I found the plates - mirrors - first, and you can get started doubting your own self-worth and your entire value system."
"Eh, okay," Zidane agreed easily, turning to leave the room and nearly colliding with Steiner as he stepped off of the lift, Vivi tucked under one arm, and offering a hand to Dagger. "Could you grab those mirror-thingies for me, man?"
"U-um, Steiner," Vivi spoke up, "can you put me down?"
"Hey, hold it!" Amarant called after Zidane. "You can't leave! You have to grit your teeth at your own failure here! Oh, screw you! I'm leaving!"
With that, the severely annoyed redhead stormed from the room and onto the lift, which quickly sank out of sight.
"Uh...okay," Zidane said slowly, one eyebrow raised. "That was...weird."
"Poor Amarant," Dagger sighed. "I think he's going slowly crazy."
"Eh, probably," Zidane shrugged. "Now, let's go get those mirrors and get out of here!"
"A-men!" Steiner exclaimed fervently as the blond made his way over to the wall on which the four mirrors were mounted.
"'My power is protected by something...really wet,'" Zidane read as he grabbed one mirror and flipped it over to read the inscription. He frowned. "I don't know, guys, but that kind of sounds like water, to me."
The sound of three simultaneous sweatdrops filled the air as Zidane reached for the next mirror.
"'My power is protected by something all dusty and dirty and icky.' Hmm...they're getting trickier, but I'd have to say earth."
He reached for the third.
"'My power is protected by something really hot. It burns! It burns!'" Zidane blinked. "What?! That could be ANYTHING!"
With a shake of his head, he slipped the third mirror carefully into his pack with the other two, and then reached for the fourth.
"'When you lie alone at night and hear a song outside your window, and a feathered wing gently lulls you to sleep, I shall be there,'" he read. "Oh! Wind, of course!"
He turned and hopped off the platform.
"Great! Well, now that we have them, we can get going!"
As they made a more to leave, though...
"Intruder alert! The power flow has been disturbed!" a loud, mechanical- sounding voice boomed.
"Aw, geez!" Zidane exclaimed as a very large, very intimidating, if rather...flat monster popped out of the floor to make mincemeat of the party.
Meanwhile, in Eidolon Land, Bahamut was recovering from the King of all Hangovers. With the King of all Ice Packs propped jauntily on his head, lying back in the King of all Recliners, Bahamut was feelin' pretty miserable.
"Hey, hey, hey!" he exclaimed, swiping angrily at the camera-man. "Bugger off!"
Meanwhile, back in Ipsen's Castle, Amarant was quite hopelessly lost.
"Dammit! I'm quite hopelessly lost. What? I would NOT say that!"
He threw the script aside in disgust.
"Screw this! I'm winging it," he decided aloud. "I don't need this crap. From here on out, I am no longer talking around any of those idiots! I could do much better on my own than they could with a full party. Of twenty. Go me. Yeah. I'd really better stop talking."
Five seconds later...
"I'm bored. Maybe I should go find those plates. Mirrors. Dammit!"
He pushed off of the upside-down pillar and started up the upside-down staircase...and then promptly fell off.
"Ow...that was really stupid. I think Zidane and the idiot brigade is rubbing off on me."
Picking himself up, he started up a right-side-up staircase. Then, at the top of the stairs, he leaned against another pillar, crossing his arms.
"Whew...I almost went into withdrawal. Yeah," he sighed happily, "that's the stuff."
Then, with a frown, he shifted uncomfortably against the pillar.
"Something doesn't feel right. Something's...missing. Something little and furry and red and white. It's on the tip of my mind, but...it just isn't jumping...jumping out at me. Oh, well. On with my adventure. Whoo."
Pushing off from a whole new pillar, he set back off down the ornately, but invertedly decorated hallway.
Meanwhile, in an Eidolon Bistro, we join Ifrit and Shiva on their first date. Aww...
"Y'know, Shiva," Ifrit began, frowning at the dish before him, "I think we messed up on what we ordered for dessert. I think YOU should have ordered the ice cream, and I should have ordered the chocolate fondue. Now, all you have is a frozen block of chocolate and some frozen bananas, and all I have...is a big puddle of vanilla goo."
"Oh, stop complaining, Ifrit," Shiva sighed, nibbling on her block of chocolate.
"Yes, dear," he agreed meekly.
"God, Ifrit got whipped fast!" Odin commented from Odin's Cool Hat Land.
"You said it, Odin," Carbuncle, also Bahamut-in-Training, slurred from where he was slumped over the bar.
"Oh, lord," Freya sighed as the ring of Tonberries closed around them. "I ask them to hold off on the killing, they agree. Blithely, I think that means they'll actually do it. What in the hell makes me believe them?"
"I don't care what you say, Bezo, it's still a bloody twig!" Yezo informed her boyfriend icily.
"Apologize to the sword, tail-wielding wench!" Bezo commanded sternly.
Said tail of Yezo's expanded to the size of three tails, as tends to happen to cat-like creatures when they get angry.
"I am not apologizing to the twig!"
"Bezo! Yezo! Argue about whether that thing is a sword or a twig later! Twig, by the way," she added under her breath. "There are about thirty- seven Tonberrys advancing menacingly on us!"
"Thirty-eight," a thirty-eighth Tonberry announced, scuttling over to the rest of the group. "I slept in."
"Right," Freya sighed. "As you can see, we are in quite a lot of danger, and it really isn't any time for a lovers' spat!"
"We shall stop 'spatting' when she apologizes for belittling Masamune," Bezo announced huffily.
"Fine," Yezo replied airily. "I am sorry you're delusional."
"AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!!!! NAMAGOMI!!!" Bezo howled, leaping at the cat-eared love of his life, swinging his twig furiously.
"It isn't a twig!" he told the narrator angrily.
Yezo, having no concept of the fact that he was trying to kill her, bounced merrily around the green, lizardy ring, singing as she went,
"Bezo's got a twii-iig! Bezo's got a twii-iig!"
"Yezo's gonna dii-iie! Yezo's gonna dii-iie!" Bezo sang back in reply, unknowingly taking out a number of Tonberrys with his wild swinging of twig.
"I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6, switch. Crazy going slowly am I, 6-5- 4-3-2-1, switch..." Freya sang softly to herself, stepping between the gap left by a now-absent Tonberry.
"The hiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, with the sound of musiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" sang a voice in a beautiful, ringing, operatic tone.
"What?!" everyone exclaimed as one.
"Sorry, sorry, I thought that was the game," Tonberry #32 admitted sheepishly.
"He never wanted to be a Tonberry," Tonberry #5 said to Tonberry #17. "He always wanted to be a lumberjack."
"I woulda thought opera singer, meself," Tonberry #17 replied.
"Nah, that's just his hobby," Tonberry #5 informed him. Tonberry #17 nodded.
"So, you goin' to the game after the battle?"
"Eh, depends on whether or not I live, I guess. But, yeah. If I can."
"Hear it's the Treno Cerberi against the Alexandrian Blonde Thong-Wearing Soldier Girls."
"Ooh, gotta love those Thong-Wearing Soldier Girls."
"Who the heck are the cheerleaders in that city?"
"The Knights of Pluto. Poor bastards."
It was at about this point that the conversation came to an abrupt end, as Tonberry #17 was obliterated from existence, followed quickly by Tonberry #5. Alas, they never made it to that game...
Finally, Bezo came to a halt, huffing and puffing.
"Dammit, Yezo, hold still so I can slay you!" he called mournfully to the still-bouncing female. "Just...give me a minute to catch my breath and then I'll slay you."
"Whatever, honey," she agreed, bouncing past and giving him a warm hug.
"I can't stay mad at you," he observed with a fond sigh. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened, and his hair began to stand on end. "What...what is this? I don't know, but I likes it! I likes it a lot! Power! Glory! Experience points! Finally! I am Level 31! Ah-hah! I have beat you, Yezo!"
"I...don't believe it," Freya began, gazing around the circle of dead Tonberrys, rapidly vanishing. "They've proved themselves useful! And it only took eleven chapters. Well, I suppose it's better than if they had instantly surpassed us all in power, skill, good looks, and charisma, and gone on to defeat Kuja single-handedly, but not before teaching him the power of love."
"Yeah, that's something," Amarant agreed, stalking past and then out of sight again. "See ya."
"But...but...oh, whatever," she sighed. Then she turned to Bezo and Yezo, who were skipping merrily around, collecting the gil scattered about on the floor. "Can we move along, please?"
"I got experience! I got experience!" Bezo sang, cuddling his twig.
"I'm Level 32 now!" Yezo announced, peeling herself from the floor and wiping from her shoe the remnants of the Tonberry that she had slain by tripping over it.
"The stupid ones always stumble upon victory," Freya sighed, shaking her head.
"Uh...don't the stupid ones always die?" Bezo asked, scratching his head.
"If there were justice in the world, yes," she replied wearily.
Bezo shrugged, and then sighed mournfully.
"Why am I always one step behind her?" he demanded of Fate, gesturing to Yezo who was still in the process of poking the remains of the unmoving Tonberry, and wondering sadly why nothing wanted to be her friend. At this question, she glanced up.
"It's 'cause I've got a longer stride."
"Is that a short joke?" Bezo demanded, glaring up at her. Keep in mind, everyone, that she is still on the ground.
"No!" she hastened to assure him. Then, after pondering this for a moment, "well, maybe a little." Another pause. "Yeah, it is."
"Hmph! Well, Masamune loves and respects me!"
The twig raised its leafy eyebrow incredulously. 'What are you thinking?' it thought to itself. Or would have, were it not a twig and thus quite inanimate.
"I love you!" Yezo assured him, cuddling him and, with her free hand, gently lowering the twig to the ground.
"I love you, too! Let's never fight again," Bezo suggested, shiny-eyed.
"Wonderful," Freya commented boredly. "They've come to an agreement. Maybe now, we can continue with the plot."
"Let's leave the twig here," Yezo suggested.
"DIE, BITCH!" he howled, shoving her away and clutching the twig protectively.
"Let's get a move-on, shall we?" Freya sighed, once again relegated to the voice of reason and resenting it rather strongly. 'Why can't I occasionally be unreasonable?!' she demanded silently. 'Why can't I go insane, bug my eyes out, and waggle my tongue back and forth, making absurd noises?!'
In her mind, Amarant walked up to her, raised an eyebrow suggestively (not that anyone could have seen it), and said, "Y'know, if you really wanna waggle your tongue around..."
She sighed happily. Then reality dawned on her once again. The next sigh would not be so happy.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, people were doing other things. This story is not about them, however, and so this is really beside the point.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Steiner were doing absolutely nothing, as they had come to a dead end, and could not figure out for the life of them how to get that bloody wall out of the way.
"I just don't know what to do with this wall anymore," Zidane announced, annoyed.
"You could knock!" Dagger suggested.
"You could pound it!" Steiner suggested.
"You could kick it!" Vivi suggested.
"Yeah!" Blank exclaimed exultantly. "Kick its ass!"
"Blank!" Zidane frowned severely at his long-time pal. "You're not here!"
"Oh, yeah! Geez!" Blank laughed before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
"This is a strange castle," Steiner lamented.
"Yeah, we know!" Zidane told him. "So, what do we do about this wall?"
"Knock on it!" Dagger reiterated.
Zidane knocked. Nothing.
"Pound it!" Steiner howled.
Zidane pounded accordingly. Nothing.
"Kick its ass! Kick its ass!" Vivi insisted, bouncing up and down in a frightening lapse of characterization.
Zidane kicked and kicked, before wondering to himself exactly what part of the wall could be termed the 'ass.'
"It's just not working," he huffed. "I may have to...try something drastic."
Vivi, Dagger, and Steiner gasped.
"Not...SOMETHING DRASTIC!"
"Something drastic," Zidane replied, hitching up his belt.
He backed up, motioned for everyone to get out of the way, and then charged toward the door, howling his battle cry of "FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!!!!"
The 'm' of 'freedom' was effectively cut off as shoulder connected with wall in a way that shook the very foundations of the castle.
"What the hell was that?!" Bezo demanded.
"I don't know," an approaching Tonberry replied, "but it shook the very foundations of the castle!"
"Time for Level 33!" Bezo announced jubilantly, diving at the creature.
"Ow..." Zidane whimpered against the freezing stone of the floor. "Did it work?"
"Nein," Stiener sighed, waving frantically to clear away the cloud of dust, and then grabbing the youth and hauling him to his feet.
"Ten!" Vivi added brightly. Upon observing everyone's puzzled gazes, he shrank back into his cloak. "I thought that's what we were playing..."
"I don't know how the hell I'm ever gonna beat this stupid wall!" Zidane exclaimed mournfully. "Gah! Maybe Amarant's onto something. Maybe there's just no point in trying."
With that, he leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms petulantly.
As the wall gave way, spinning about and depositing him in a secret room, he reflected smugly that the wall had fallen for the ol' trick. Exactly what this ol' trick was escaped him utterly, but one must remember that it is the thought that counts.
"Zidane!" Dagger called, worried, as the wall spun about and the young man disappeared from view.
"I'm okay!" came the muffled reply. "Aw, geez! All that for an Ether?!" A hefty sigh. "Okay, everyone, stand aside. I'm gonna come back through now."
A pause. Dagger and Steiner exchanged nervous glances. Vivi merely looked on with huge yellow eyes.
"Zidane?" Dagger ventured. "Are you coming back now?"
"I'm trying," he replied, annoyed.
"I...don't suppose it would work to knock on the wall," Steiner sighed.
"Or to pound it," Dagger added sadly.
"Or to kick its ass," Vivi put in.
"No, no, and...Vivi, walls do NOT have asses, okay?!"
"O-okay..."
"Well, guys," the wall spoke up in Zidane's voice. "I think I'm gonna have to try something drastic again."
With three gasps of horror of varying pitch, Vivi, Dagger and Steiner stepped away from the wall, a very wise self-preservation technique. The next second after that, a muffled howl that vaguely resembled 'FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" rang out through the castle, and another second after that, the very foundations of the castle found themselves shaken again.
"Dangit!" Foundation Billy-Bob said to Foundation Jimmy-Joe. "We dun be shakin' again, I reckon."
"Yyyyup," Foundation Jimmy-Joe agreed.
As the dust began to settle once again, Steiner, Dagger, and Vivi, who was really beginning to reconsider his decision to wear his contacts that day - until it occurred to him that he hadn't worn them, as he didn't have any - stared anxiously at the wall. Alas, there was no sign of Zidane.
"Ow..." the wall whimpered. Or at least, the boy behind the wall.
"Zidane!" Dagger exclaimed impatiently. "Just do what you did last time!"
"But I can't REMEMBER what I did last time!" the wall whined. "And y'know what? I don't care! Hmph!"
Apparently, though, he had stumbled upon the actions that had proven successful once already, for the next instant, the wall spun about at a blinding speed, and Zidane shot across the room, at which point he collided head-first with the wall across from the spinning one.
"Ow..." he whimpered again as Steiner rushed over to peel him from the cold, hard, and very stony stone.
Then, once he was set properly back on his feet, a soft snicker floated toward him. He gazed reproachfully at the beautiful young love of his life.
"Dagger! Quit laughing at me!"
"Sorry," she said, suppressing her laughter with great difficulty. This plan, of course, lasted all of ten seconds, before she erupted once again into a fit of laughter.
"Never mind," Zidane pouted. "Let's just go find those collector Elvis plates before Amarant can get 'em."
With a stunning display of synchronized shrugging, Steiner, Vivi, and Dagger followed Zidane across the hall, decorated grandly with upside-down tapestries, inside-out carpets, and the like, to a small elevator-like contraption.
"Goin' up," Zidane announced with a chuckle as the lift creaked and shuddered to life.
"Great," Amarant commented, staring helplessly at the four mirrors stuck into the wall. "I found them. Now what?"
'You could...take them,' a voice that sounded oddly like Wakko suggested.
"Why would I want to do that?" Amarant scoffed. "If I took them, I'd have to carry them all the way back."
'Amarant, Amarant, Amarant,' Wacko sighed.
"Shut up, Wakko!"
"Uh...what was that?" Zidane inquired mildly, sauntering into the room. "Oh, hey, Amarant. So, who's Wakko?"
"Shut up, Zidane. Well. Now that you're here, I can get started rubbing it in your face that I found the plates - mirrors - first, and you can get started doubting your own self-worth and your entire value system."
"Eh, okay," Zidane agreed easily, turning to leave the room and nearly colliding with Steiner as he stepped off of the lift, Vivi tucked under one arm, and offering a hand to Dagger. "Could you grab those mirror-thingies for me, man?"
"U-um, Steiner," Vivi spoke up, "can you put me down?"
"Hey, hold it!" Amarant called after Zidane. "You can't leave! You have to grit your teeth at your own failure here! Oh, screw you! I'm leaving!"
With that, the severely annoyed redhead stormed from the room and onto the lift, which quickly sank out of sight.
"Uh...okay," Zidane said slowly, one eyebrow raised. "That was...weird."
"Poor Amarant," Dagger sighed. "I think he's going slowly crazy."
"Eh, probably," Zidane shrugged. "Now, let's go get those mirrors and get out of here!"
"A-men!" Steiner exclaimed fervently as the blond made his way over to the wall on which the four mirrors were mounted.
"'My power is protected by something...really wet,'" Zidane read as he grabbed one mirror and flipped it over to read the inscription. He frowned. "I don't know, guys, but that kind of sounds like water, to me."
The sound of three simultaneous sweatdrops filled the air as Zidane reached for the next mirror.
"'My power is protected by something all dusty and dirty and icky.' Hmm...they're getting trickier, but I'd have to say earth."
He reached for the third.
"'My power is protected by something really hot. It burns! It burns!'" Zidane blinked. "What?! That could be ANYTHING!"
With a shake of his head, he slipped the third mirror carefully into his pack with the other two, and then reached for the fourth.
"'When you lie alone at night and hear a song outside your window, and a feathered wing gently lulls you to sleep, I shall be there,'" he read. "Oh! Wind, of course!"
He turned and hopped off the platform.
"Great! Well, now that we have them, we can get going!"
As they made a more to leave, though...
"Intruder alert! The power flow has been disturbed!" a loud, mechanical- sounding voice boomed.
"Aw, geez!" Zidane exclaimed as a very large, very intimidating, if rather...flat monster popped out of the floor to make mincemeat of the party.