Chapter 14 – Hey, Look! It's Raining Birds!
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"Are you two sure you'll be okay without any guys around?" Zidane asked anxiously.
Dagger shot him a freezing glare. Why hadn't the idiot disabled his Protect Girls ability before sending her and Eiko off alone?
"Yes, Zidane, believe it or not, two girls with the ability to summon huge freaking deadly Eidolons should be okay without any men."
Zidane frowned suspiciously.
"This isn't some sort of Girl Power thing, is it?"
"Of course not!" Dagger exclaimed.
"Oh, no, not I! I will survive!" Eiko bellowed at the top of her voice, bouncing around the room before finally coming to a halt at Dagger's side. "So, fellow sister goddess, are we going?"
"Yes, Eiko, we're going now," Dagger sighed.
"You're supposed to refer to me by my new name: Aphrodite Starhawk Moonmaker!"
"I am not calling you that," Dagger informed the younger girl flatly.
Eiko pouted.
"You got to change your name in the middle of the story."
"I was in disguise! I had a reason! It wasn't "Girl Power"!"
"Hey, Girl Power is all the reason I need!"
"Uh..." Zidane ventured timidly.
Eiko glared at him.
"Be quiet, you oppressive man!"
"Uh, sure. We've reached the Water Shrine. We're gonna drop you off now," he told them, tail twitching nervously.
"Okay!" Eiko chirped.
"Okay," Dagger whimpered.
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"Hey, guys, how you holding up?" Zidane asked Steiner and Vivi sympathetically.
Steiner glared at Zidane.
"You pretend concern! If you were really concerned for our well-being, why are you sending us out with Bezo?"
"Dude, someone's got to take him."
"Why not Amarant and Freya?"
"They've got Yezo. Isn't that punishment enough?"
"Why are you sending her with them?"
"Well, she kind of insisted. Something about "they'll never realize their feelings if someone doesn't help them". What a weirdo," Zidane concluded with a sigh.
"Well, then, why don't you take Bezo?" Steiner demanded, crossing his arms amid much clanking.
"Dude, I told you! Paper covers rock!"
Steiner was silent for a moment.
"Best two out of three?" he suggested hopefully.
"No way," Zidane said smugly. Then he frowned. "And anyway, I've got Quina. He may try to eat the Earth Guardian or something."
The two men had a hearty laugh at this.
"What an absurd idea," Steiner finally managed to gasp out. "Thank-you, Zidane. I feel much better now."
"Anytime, man," Zidane grinned. "Now, we're almost at the Wind Shrine, so you three get your things together, okay?"
"I'll miss you, Yezo!" Bezo called tearfully. "If I die, don't let anyone touch my stuff!"
"Okay!" she called back, just as tearfully, from two inches in front of him.
"Ow," Vivi whimpered as the three were booted from the airship.
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"Why do I have to go with her?" Amarant growled to Zidane.
"Yes, it is something of a hardship to be sent out with Yezo, isn't it?" Freya agreed sympathetically.
Amarant's frown deepened.
"Oh, right. I forgot about Yezo." He turned back to Zidane. "Why do I have to go with both of them? Why can't I just stay here and lean against things? I'm good at that. I have a degree!"
With that, he reached into his vest, pulled out a piece of paper, and held it out proudly for Zidane's inspection.
"Wow," Zidane began, reading the document closely. "A Masters of Leaniology from the University of Treno."
"It's fake," Yezo announced airily. "I found one in my Cracker Jacks box, just the other day."
"I'll thank you to remember that yours is merely a Bachelor's. Mine is a Master's. They come in a raffle. Next time we're in Treno, I want to pass by the auction house to try for the Doctorate," Amarant concluded.
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm getting the worst of this?" Freya sighed.
"'Cause you are," Zidane replied simply.
She blinked.
"Oh. I knew there was a reason."
"Look, just…go kill the monsters hanging around the shrine. That'll help your tension. But don't accidentally kill one of them instead," Zidane finished, indicating Amarant and Yezo, who were still engaged in heated discussion over the quality of Treno's educational system.
"Accidentally, you say?" Freya asked hopefully.
Zidane gave her a stern look.
"Or purposefully."
She sighed dejectedly.
"I swear, I never get to have any fun."
Yezo looked up at this point.
"You know, it's going to be hard to hook you two up if you keep trying to kill each other."
This caused Amarant, Freya, Zidane, and the various and sundry crew of the airship to stop dead and stare at her oddly. Even several birds flying past the airship stopped dead, and as a result immediately plummeted to their death, apparently forgetting that they could flap again. Quina continued to eat.
"Hooking us up?" Amarant repeated.
"Um…uh…look over there!" Yezo exclaimed. "It's raining birds!"
"Look, guys, we're here," Zidane interjected. "So get out there to the Water Shrine!"
As Amarant, Freya, and even Yezo stared at him, sensing something wrong with his words, the difference between water and fire finally occurred to Zidane, and he slumped forward in dismay.
"Damnit!"
"Hey, we're not done yet!" Dagger called from the ground below as she and Eiko frantically fled a very angry and soggy Water Guardian.
"We don't need your help!" Eiko added. "We're goddesses!"
Zidane sighed heavily.
"Okay, let's go. And this time, Erin, don't let Bob Vious drive!"
"Quina will drive!" Quina suggested hopefully.
Zidane paused, the idea of Quina driving while simultaneously eating and giving someone a hearty "Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuup!" on his cell phone an oddly chilling one.
"Okay," he shrugged. "Go for it, Tongue-man."
"Quina's gender never quite established," Quina informed him, starting up to the wheel.
Zidane grinned.
"Only one way to find out! Someone attack it and see if my Protect Girls kicks in!"
"There are other ways to find out," Amarant reminded him. "Someone could look under its apron."
Zidane grimaced.
"We'll…we'll let Steiner do that when he gets back."
Amarant shook his head.
"We send him off with Bezo, and then we do this? What the hell did he do?"
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"Finally! We're here!" Zidane proclaimed, nearly weeping in relief that they had made it alive. Apparently, driving and eating, while talking on a cell phone, knitting a sweater, reading a novel, shaving, and playing hopscotch did not make for a very smooth ride, and more than once, the passengers of the Hilda Garde 3 had found themselves saying their prayers, certain that every moment would be their last.
"Let's never let Quina drive again, okay?" Yezo pleaded. "He brings back bad memories!"
"Okay, we still don't know if Quina's a 'he' or a 'she'," Zidane reminded her.
"Look, can we get going?" Amarant asked, annoyed. "Is it really important what the hell Quina is? Either way, it's not a great example of the species."
"Oh, and I suppose you exemplify a shining example of masculinity," Freya said airily.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do," he replied just as airily. "Hello! Dread-locks! Huge arms! And you know what they say about guys with huge arms."
"They have complexes?" Freya suggested.
"Yeah," Amarant agreed, then paused. "No!"
"They're never going to hook up at this rate," Yezo sighed sadly to Zidane.
He glared.
"Look, will you just go away?"
"Why does everyone say that to me?" she wondered, her tail drooping sadly as she trotted after the still bickering Amarant and Freya.
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"You know what?" Eiko managed amid gasps for air.
"What?" Dagger asked, dodging a high-pressured blast of water.
"I think we might need the guys after all."
"Well, I have one guy who might be able to help us!" Dagger proclaimed. "Tzeublooky!"
Nothing.
"Uh…Tzeublooky!"
Nothing.
"Tzeublooky! Tzeublooky!"
Nothing.
"Tzeublooky, damnit!"
"Uh…Dagger?" Eiko asked timidly.
Dagger turned to the younger girl, smoke curling from her ears, eyes blazing furiously.
"What?"
"M-maybe we should call someone else?"
Dagger sniffled, beginning to turn yellow with rage.
"But I want my Odin!"
"Well, I remember, the last time you talked to him, you weren't on the best of terms. Maybe he's still bitter and resentful. You know how Odin can get."
"Helloooooooo," the Water Guardian called, getting slightly miffed. "Water Guardian over here! I'm glad you two are having this little 'conversation', but maybe you could put it on hold long enough to die!"
"I don't think so," Dagger said smugly. "Mega Flare!"
The Water Guardian blinked.
"Huh?"
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Meanwhile, in Eidolon Land…
"It's okay, Odin," Ramuh said soothingly. "I'm sure she didn't mean it."
"I'm very insecure about my missing," he whined. "And if she thinks I'm just gonna go trotting down there after what she said to me-"
"Bahamut's light's going off," Madeen called from the switchboard. "Someone hit him and see if he'll wake up."
"Not my job," Ifrit called.
"You've got a bad attitude," Madeen informed him stonily.
"Oh, like I'm the only one," Ifrit scoffed. "'Hey, maybe Shiva can do it! Or maybe, she's all frigid!'"
"Take that back, Ifrit," Shiva suggested pleasantly, waving an ice sculpture in the shape of a meat axe in front of his face threateningly.
"Yes, Ma'am," he agreed contritely.
"Look, guys," Leviathan interjected. "I don't think there's any chance of waking Bahamut up this time. I've been dumping water on him for the last five minutes, and all it's done is make him soggy and kinda pruney. I think someone else better go down in his place."
"Fine," Madeen grumbled, taking a "Mega-Flare-in-a-Can" from the shelf behind the bar. Stories were still told about the time some poor sap had been served one in place of a beer… "Hey, Carbuncle, wanna be Bahamut?!"
"No! I'm finishin' my beer!
"Sounds like Bahamut to me," Ramuh shrugged.
"Okay, Carbuncle, put on the hat."
"Hey, guys, I'm Carbuncle! Check out my Bahamut-hat!" Carbuncle giggled.
"You think it's funny to mock other people's pain?" Odin asked sharply.
"Yeah," Carbuncle chirped, starting down to the human realm…and in completely the wrong direction.
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"Okay, what is wrong with my Eidolons?!" Dagger exclaimed tearfully.
"Sistah, let me show you how it's done," Eiko said, punctuating each syllable with a snap for some reason. "Ter-ra Ho-ming!"
The skies grew dark overhead, and Madeen descended, smacked the Water Guardian in the head, and then turned to the two girls.
"Hey, have either of you seen Carbuncle?"
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"Hey, guys," Bezo called to Steiner and Vivi as the three sailed down the path, helpless to stop. "This blows!"
Steiner gritted his teeth, then came to a decision.
"Vivi, Fire Sword."
Vivi blinked.
"But…there's no enemy here!"
"In your opinion, perhaps," Steiner scoffed, eyeing Bezo in disgust.
"Oh," Vivi said, realization dawning on him.
"Hah!" Bezo laughed triumphantly. "Long have I waited for the group to turn on me! Now I can reveal my true Sephiroth powers!"
With that, Bezo struck a dramatic pose in mid-air, still being swept along by the wind, and waited for the skies to turn black in an ominous and cool sequence.
Not surprisingly, nothing happened, save more wind.
"Uh…Sephiroth powers?" Bezo called. Then he cleared his throat and turned to Vivi and Steiner. "Ahem. Excuse me. SEPHIROTH POWERS, COME FORTH!"
It seemed that raising his voice wasn't exactly the way to encourage the missing Sephiroth powers to come forth.
Bezo checked his watch, then dropped the pose and grinned sheepishly at Steiner and Vivi.
"Ahem. It seems to me that it would be best for me to continue to lull you into a false sense of security for the time being."
"Excellent," Steiner said dryly. "Can we continue?"
"Y-yeah," Vivi agreed, staring at something in front of them. "There's the mirror!"
"Wunderbar!" Steiner exclaimed. "Vivi, stay back here where it's safe. Bezo, stay back here where you won't be in the way. I am going to get that mirror!"
"I-I think it's a trap," Vivi said forebodingly.
"Wouldn't that just be a pain!" Steiner laughed, reaching for the mirror. "Who would be that cruel? That sadistic? That bored? Honestly, who has that kind of time and money? And attention span?"
Thus saying, Steiner lifted the mirror from the stand.
Naturally, the ground began to rumble and the wind died away immediately. Next, the ceiling opened up and the Wind Guardian dropped through.
"Who indeed, Steiner?" the Wind Guardian chuckled, sounding suspiciously like Megabyte. "Who, indeed?"
"Sweet! It's Tony Jay!"
The Wind Guardian grinned, hardly ill-pleased by this.
"You've heard of me?"
"Have I heard of the legendary Tony Jay!" Bezo laughed. "You're an inspiration to me."
"I-I think Bezo finally has a use," Vivi commented in wonder as the two began to tiptoe away.
"No!" Steiner insisted. "I refuse to admit that it is so!"
"Tony, because of you, I have a dream that one day, I'll be a bass with a cool voice!" Bezo gushed, eyes wide and shiny.
"Well, make sure you study hard, so you have something to fall back on, just in case. It's a hard business," the Wind Guardian informed the three warriors seriously.
"Can I have your autograph?" Bezo asked, snatching the mirror away from Steiner. "Here! Sign this mirror!"
"Of course, of course," the Wind Guardian laughed, whipping out a pen. "Now, you all have a good time. And be sure you come back and visit and let me know how you're doing, Bezo."
"Yessir!" Bezo chirped happily. "Let's go, guys!"
"Uh...okay," Steiner agreed bewilderedly, wondering if anything could actually be this easy.
"Heh-heh-heh…crazy kids," the Wind Guardian reflected, shaking his head fondly. "I was once a kid with a dream, and I wish that someone had said to me what I said to him. Now, where is that mirror? Hey, wait a second..."
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