I Can't
I wish I could see you. I wish I could see your face. I wish I could see your eyes. Just one last time. Why can't I see you? I see them. I feel them. I can see the city, as if it were light. But I hold your hand, and I look to where you should be. But all I see is darkness. As if you were never there. All I can see are the lights from the machines. It's so beautiful. The lights glow as bright as the sun would shine, if the sun will ever shine. The lights remind me of the sunsets that I remember in the Matrix. Or the stars all combined into one. The lights feel warm, and protecting. They're so beautiful. But I know beneath the beauty are the cold metal machines that would kill us both in a second. It's so beautiful. But I'd give it all away just to see your face. At least one more time. Why aren't you there? Why am I looking at nothing? I see darkness, a void of nothing. Yet you say you're right there. I hold your hand, and I feel you hair. You are there, but why can't I see you? Why? Why? I need to see you. I have to. I feel the poles in your body. No. You'll die! You'll die! No! I have to see you! I have to see your face one last time! Why can't I see you!? You can't die! Not until I say goodbye to your face! I have to see you! To say goodbye, and look into your eyes! You can't die! Not until I can see you!
"Oh no. Oh no. No. No. No." I say.
"It's alright. I'm fine. . . I've done all I can do. Now you have to do the rest. You have to save Zion." You say, just above a whisper.
"I can't. . . Not without you."
I can't. . . Please. Don't go. I couldn't have gone this far without you. . . I couldn't have grown this strong without you. . . How can you go like this? How can you leave me? How can you leave me, without letting me see your face?
"Yes you can. You will. I believe, I always have."
No. I can't. You're lying. I can't! I can't! I believe in you! You give me the strength. Without. . .
"Trinity. . ."
I cry. Because I can't do this. . . Not without you. . . Not without seeing your eyes. Not without seeing your life. Now I realize I can't even cry for you now, because I don't have eyes. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I can't cry for you. And I'm sorry. I can't do this without you.
"Trinity you can't die. . . You can't, you can't."
I try and tell you, but I'm sorry. I can't even find the words to say to you.
"Yes I can." You reply.
No. You can't. You can't. You're still lying! I know you can't die, because I can't say goodbye. And I can't let go.
"You caught me that once, but not this time. . . Do you remember? On that roof after you caught me, the last thing I said to you?" You say, and I don't understand.
"You said I'm sorry."
"I wish I hadn't. . . It was my last thought. I wished I had one more chance to say what really mattered. To say how much I loved you. To say how grateful I was for every moment I was with you. But by the time I knew what I wanted to say it was too late. . . But you brought me back. You gave me my wish. . . One more chance to say what I wanted to say. . . Kiss me. Once more. Kiss me one last time. . ."
No. . .Please. . . I can't. . . You say this. I hold you hand. I can't see you. But I know you're there. I feel the machines. But I've always felt you. I know I can't see you. . . But I can. I know you're there. Because you'll never leave me, will you? I lean down, and I kiss you. Just like you said. I kiss you one last time. I give you your wish, and you give me mine. With that kiss I can feel your warmth slipping away from me. I can feel your breaths go away. I can feel your heart, slowly stop beating. Your warmth is gone. You breathe no more. And your heart doesn't beat. You're gone. You slip away from me. Your hand slips from mine. I can't seem to move. I can't. . . I can't leave you. . . I can't move anymore. . . So I hold on to you. Squeezing your dead body. As if I'm trying to bring back the soul. I can't let go. . . I hold darkness. But I can feel you there. I try and cry, but no tears come from no eyes. I can't do this. . . I hold on to you. Why wont you come back? Why can't I see you? I know. You're gone. . . But I can't move. . . I can't leave you.
"I've done all I can do. Now you have to do the rest."
Your words ring in my head. My head lies on your chest as I remember those words. They play in my head over and over. You would want me to go ahead. You'd want me to move on. I don't know if I can.
"Now you have to do the rest."
You're right. I have to. I have to do this. Even though I can't. . . I have to save them. For us. I hold you tightly. I wish I could see you, but now I have to go. I get up, and look at the lights. I'm sorry. I can't. . . But I will try. I crawl through the broken shards of metal. To the surface of the lights. I do this for you.
And now I can see. They're following me. The machines. And now I stare at the brightest light that I have ever seen. It must be the leader. The collective mind of them all. I feel so weak in front of it. Maybe it's because I am. I'll say what I have to say. All for you.
"The program Smith has grown beyond your control. Soon he will spread through this city, just as he has in the Matrix. You can't stop him. But I can."
The machines are angry I can feel it.
"We don't need you! We need nothing!" They roar in a god like voice.
They hate the fact that they need me.
"If that is true, then I've made a mistake in coming here, and you should kill me right now."
They need me, just as I need you.
"What do you want?" They ask.
"Peace."
A simple word.
I can feel them, even though they are so far away. The sentinels in Zion. They're stopping aren't they? Lights appear at my feet. Plugs, going through my clothing to the plugs. The feeling of jacking- in returning for one last time. I can't do this without you.
"And if you fail?"
"I wont."
And now I appear in the streets of a city. There is no one here. I'm alone without you. The rain falls from the Matrix sky. Every drop being another light. He's out there. Smith is waiting for me. I can't do this. I begin to walk down the street. Soon I see the copies on the sides of the street. Each watching me go by. Each staring at me with the same hatred as I have for them. I can't do this. They're everywhere. Now even in the buildings. All around me. And now I stop, as he comes out of the rest. Smith. I can't do this.
"Mr. Anderson, welcome back we missed you. . . Like what I've done with the place?"
Smith says with that horrible tone in his voice. Green lighting strikes the sky.
"It ends tonight."
"I know it does, I've seen it. That is why the rest of me are just going to enjoy the show. Because we know that it is I who beats you."
Now we run towards each other. I run knowing I can't do this. Then we punch each other. I kick he blocks, I punch he blocks, he punches I block, he kicks I block. Then we punch each other's chest. The force sending us flying. I may land on my feet, and he may fall but I know I can't do this. We go into the air, grabbing each other's throats. Kicking and punching, trying to kill. He throws me into a building, as he wipes the rain from his jacket. Then he comes flying towards me, I jump. He flies around the room with skill that matches mine. He punches me to the floor. I know I can't do this.
"Can you feel it Mr. Anderson? Closing in on you? Oh I can. I really should than you for it, after all it was you life that taught me the purpose of all life. The purpose of life is to end." He says.
I know I can't do this. And I know he's wrong. I love you. And that is the purpose. Smith is blinded by the only emotion he ever knew, hatred. I kind of pity him. He'll never know what we had.
I get up, and I fight him in that building, in the dark. Our faces revealed from the shadows by the lighting. I hit him sending his shades flying. I know I can't do this, but it feels nice to punch him. I send him flying out the window, and he stops in the air. We fly higher and higher, circling each other in flight. Then we punch each other. The force creating a type of sonic boom. Causing the rain to stop for a moment. Then he gets the best of me. Grabbing me, and lunging me into the ground. I close my eyes, because I know I can't do this. I open my eyes at the very end, just before we hit the ground. I see the sky. I see the lights. And then I see darkness again. I'm laying on the ground now. Mud staining my cloak. Rain is falling on my face, as my eyes are closed. I know I can't do this. But I get up.
"Why Mr. Anderson? Why? Why? What are you doing? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? Something worth more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Illusions Mr. Anderson. Vagaries and perceptions, temporarily constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself! Although only a human mind could invent something as simple as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win, it's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why?! Why?! Why do you persist!?"
I get up now, having listened to him. I realize now, Trinity, he is so blind. He just doesn't see, he can't, he doesn't understand. If he only knew, he wouldn't be asking me these things. He wouldn't be asking me why. He is so blind. He doesn't see, because he's never felt what I've felt. How dare he call love not real when he's never even known it. How dare he call the very thing that has kept me going not real. How dare he call what I have with you not real. Love is why I'm here. Trinity, I'm here with you. And he'll never understand. I choose to do this. I choose because of you.
"Because I choose to." I answer.
He still doesn't understand. He still doesn't get it. He'll never understand my answer. I can't do this. But at least I know now.
I get up and I punch him into the Earth. I'm so tired now. So weak, and fragile. I know I can't do this.
"This is my world! My world!" He yells.
He throws me onto the ground.
"Wait. . . I've seen this. . . This is it, this is the end. You were lying right there, just like that. And I. . .I stand right here, right here. I'm supposed to say something. I say. . . Everything that has a beginning has an end Neo. . ."
I'm on the ground as he says that. I told you can't do this, I can't win, Trinity. But now, he says that. Everything that has a beginning has an end. The Oracle's words. They are so true. I see now what I must do. I see that Smith will never understand, and that is what makes him so weak. He could kill me now, but he wont. Because he doesn't understand. I start to get up.
"What? What did I just say? No. No. This isn't right. This can't be right." He says.
I start to walk to him, knowing what I must do for you, Trinity.
"Get away from me!" He yells, not knowing.
"What are you afraid of?"
"It's a trick."
"You were right, Smith. You were always right. It was inevitable."
He walks closer to me, and sticks his whole hand inside me. The darkness covers me, changing my code, copying his to mine. I feel that pain again. That horrible sensation of death. Yet I show no sign of pain, because I feel none. Because I know this is what I must do. I love you Trinity. I start to breath deeper, and see the lights that make his face. I wish I could have seen you, Trin. I hate that the last thing I'm going to see is Smith's damn angry face. Everything is ok now, though. The darkness is taking over. I raise my head to the sky, knowing you're out there. I told you I couldn't do it. That I can't. I can't come out of this fight and live, Trinity. I couldn't without you. At least now I'll be with you again. I couldn't live without you. But now everything is ok. I can feel it. The machines are using me to infect Smith. Soon he'll die. Just as you and me. See? I can't live through this fight without you. I told you I can't. But that doesn't matter anymore. I did what you said, Trin. I save Zion. Everyone is okay. We are at peace. The war is over. Because of you and me. The darkness is on my face now. The pain is getting worse. But that's okay. I'll be with you soon now. I did it. I did it for you. I love you, Trinity. I close my eyes, and I see your face.
I wish I could see you. I wish I could see your face. I wish I could see your eyes. Just one last time. Why can't I see you? I see them. I feel them. I can see the city, as if it were light. But I hold your hand, and I look to where you should be. But all I see is darkness. As if you were never there. All I can see are the lights from the machines. It's so beautiful. The lights glow as bright as the sun would shine, if the sun will ever shine. The lights remind me of the sunsets that I remember in the Matrix. Or the stars all combined into one. The lights feel warm, and protecting. They're so beautiful. But I know beneath the beauty are the cold metal machines that would kill us both in a second. It's so beautiful. But I'd give it all away just to see your face. At least one more time. Why aren't you there? Why am I looking at nothing? I see darkness, a void of nothing. Yet you say you're right there. I hold your hand, and I feel you hair. You are there, but why can't I see you? Why? Why? I need to see you. I have to. I feel the poles in your body. No. You'll die! You'll die! No! I have to see you! I have to see your face one last time! Why can't I see you!? You can't die! Not until I say goodbye to your face! I have to see you! To say goodbye, and look into your eyes! You can't die! Not until I can see you!
"Oh no. Oh no. No. No. No." I say.
"It's alright. I'm fine. . . I've done all I can do. Now you have to do the rest. You have to save Zion." You say, just above a whisper.
"I can't. . . Not without you."
I can't. . . Please. Don't go. I couldn't have gone this far without you. . . I couldn't have grown this strong without you. . . How can you go like this? How can you leave me? How can you leave me, without letting me see your face?
"Yes you can. You will. I believe, I always have."
No. I can't. You're lying. I can't! I can't! I believe in you! You give me the strength. Without. . .
"Trinity. . ."
I cry. Because I can't do this. . . Not without you. . . Not without seeing your eyes. Not without seeing your life. Now I realize I can't even cry for you now, because I don't have eyes. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I can't cry for you. And I'm sorry. I can't do this without you.
"Trinity you can't die. . . You can't, you can't."
I try and tell you, but I'm sorry. I can't even find the words to say to you.
"Yes I can." You reply.
No. You can't. You can't. You're still lying! I know you can't die, because I can't say goodbye. And I can't let go.
"You caught me that once, but not this time. . . Do you remember? On that roof after you caught me, the last thing I said to you?" You say, and I don't understand.
"You said I'm sorry."
"I wish I hadn't. . . It was my last thought. I wished I had one more chance to say what really mattered. To say how much I loved you. To say how grateful I was for every moment I was with you. But by the time I knew what I wanted to say it was too late. . . But you brought me back. You gave me my wish. . . One more chance to say what I wanted to say. . . Kiss me. Once more. Kiss me one last time. . ."
No. . .Please. . . I can't. . . You say this. I hold you hand. I can't see you. But I know you're there. I feel the machines. But I've always felt you. I know I can't see you. . . But I can. I know you're there. Because you'll never leave me, will you? I lean down, and I kiss you. Just like you said. I kiss you one last time. I give you your wish, and you give me mine. With that kiss I can feel your warmth slipping away from me. I can feel your breaths go away. I can feel your heart, slowly stop beating. Your warmth is gone. You breathe no more. And your heart doesn't beat. You're gone. You slip away from me. Your hand slips from mine. I can't seem to move. I can't. . . I can't leave you. . . I can't move anymore. . . So I hold on to you. Squeezing your dead body. As if I'm trying to bring back the soul. I can't let go. . . I hold darkness. But I can feel you there. I try and cry, but no tears come from no eyes. I can't do this. . . I hold on to you. Why wont you come back? Why can't I see you? I know. You're gone. . . But I can't move. . . I can't leave you.
"I've done all I can do. Now you have to do the rest."
Your words ring in my head. My head lies on your chest as I remember those words. They play in my head over and over. You would want me to go ahead. You'd want me to move on. I don't know if I can.
"Now you have to do the rest."
You're right. I have to. I have to do this. Even though I can't. . . I have to save them. For us. I hold you tightly. I wish I could see you, but now I have to go. I get up, and look at the lights. I'm sorry. I can't. . . But I will try. I crawl through the broken shards of metal. To the surface of the lights. I do this for you.
And now I can see. They're following me. The machines. And now I stare at the brightest light that I have ever seen. It must be the leader. The collective mind of them all. I feel so weak in front of it. Maybe it's because I am. I'll say what I have to say. All for you.
"The program Smith has grown beyond your control. Soon he will spread through this city, just as he has in the Matrix. You can't stop him. But I can."
The machines are angry I can feel it.
"We don't need you! We need nothing!" They roar in a god like voice.
They hate the fact that they need me.
"If that is true, then I've made a mistake in coming here, and you should kill me right now."
They need me, just as I need you.
"What do you want?" They ask.
"Peace."
A simple word.
I can feel them, even though they are so far away. The sentinels in Zion. They're stopping aren't they? Lights appear at my feet. Plugs, going through my clothing to the plugs. The feeling of jacking- in returning for one last time. I can't do this without you.
"And if you fail?"
"I wont."
And now I appear in the streets of a city. There is no one here. I'm alone without you. The rain falls from the Matrix sky. Every drop being another light. He's out there. Smith is waiting for me. I can't do this. I begin to walk down the street. Soon I see the copies on the sides of the street. Each watching me go by. Each staring at me with the same hatred as I have for them. I can't do this. They're everywhere. Now even in the buildings. All around me. And now I stop, as he comes out of the rest. Smith. I can't do this.
"Mr. Anderson, welcome back we missed you. . . Like what I've done with the place?"
Smith says with that horrible tone in his voice. Green lighting strikes the sky.
"It ends tonight."
"I know it does, I've seen it. That is why the rest of me are just going to enjoy the show. Because we know that it is I who beats you."
Now we run towards each other. I run knowing I can't do this. Then we punch each other. I kick he blocks, I punch he blocks, he punches I block, he kicks I block. Then we punch each other's chest. The force sending us flying. I may land on my feet, and he may fall but I know I can't do this. We go into the air, grabbing each other's throats. Kicking and punching, trying to kill. He throws me into a building, as he wipes the rain from his jacket. Then he comes flying towards me, I jump. He flies around the room with skill that matches mine. He punches me to the floor. I know I can't do this.
"Can you feel it Mr. Anderson? Closing in on you? Oh I can. I really should than you for it, after all it was you life that taught me the purpose of all life. The purpose of life is to end." He says.
I know I can't do this. And I know he's wrong. I love you. And that is the purpose. Smith is blinded by the only emotion he ever knew, hatred. I kind of pity him. He'll never know what we had.
I get up, and I fight him in that building, in the dark. Our faces revealed from the shadows by the lighting. I hit him sending his shades flying. I know I can't do this, but it feels nice to punch him. I send him flying out the window, and he stops in the air. We fly higher and higher, circling each other in flight. Then we punch each other. The force creating a type of sonic boom. Causing the rain to stop for a moment. Then he gets the best of me. Grabbing me, and lunging me into the ground. I close my eyes, because I know I can't do this. I open my eyes at the very end, just before we hit the ground. I see the sky. I see the lights. And then I see darkness again. I'm laying on the ground now. Mud staining my cloak. Rain is falling on my face, as my eyes are closed. I know I can't do this. But I get up.
"Why Mr. Anderson? Why? Why? What are you doing? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? Something worth more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Illusions Mr. Anderson. Vagaries and perceptions, temporarily constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself! Although only a human mind could invent something as simple as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win, it's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why?! Why?! Why do you persist!?"
I get up now, having listened to him. I realize now, Trinity, he is so blind. He just doesn't see, he can't, he doesn't understand. If he only knew, he wouldn't be asking me these things. He wouldn't be asking me why. He is so blind. He doesn't see, because he's never felt what I've felt. How dare he call love not real when he's never even known it. How dare he call the very thing that has kept me going not real. How dare he call what I have with you not real. Love is why I'm here. Trinity, I'm here with you. And he'll never understand. I choose to do this. I choose because of you.
"Because I choose to." I answer.
He still doesn't understand. He still doesn't get it. He'll never understand my answer. I can't do this. But at least I know now.
I get up and I punch him into the Earth. I'm so tired now. So weak, and fragile. I know I can't do this.
"This is my world! My world!" He yells.
He throws me onto the ground.
"Wait. . . I've seen this. . . This is it, this is the end. You were lying right there, just like that. And I. . .I stand right here, right here. I'm supposed to say something. I say. . . Everything that has a beginning has an end Neo. . ."
I'm on the ground as he says that. I told you can't do this, I can't win, Trinity. But now, he says that. Everything that has a beginning has an end. The Oracle's words. They are so true. I see now what I must do. I see that Smith will never understand, and that is what makes him so weak. He could kill me now, but he wont. Because he doesn't understand. I start to get up.
"What? What did I just say? No. No. This isn't right. This can't be right." He says.
I start to walk to him, knowing what I must do for you, Trinity.
"Get away from me!" He yells, not knowing.
"What are you afraid of?"
"It's a trick."
"You were right, Smith. You were always right. It was inevitable."
He walks closer to me, and sticks his whole hand inside me. The darkness covers me, changing my code, copying his to mine. I feel that pain again. That horrible sensation of death. Yet I show no sign of pain, because I feel none. Because I know this is what I must do. I love you Trinity. I start to breath deeper, and see the lights that make his face. I wish I could have seen you, Trin. I hate that the last thing I'm going to see is Smith's damn angry face. Everything is ok now, though. The darkness is taking over. I raise my head to the sky, knowing you're out there. I told you I couldn't do it. That I can't. I can't come out of this fight and live, Trinity. I couldn't without you. At least now I'll be with you again. I couldn't live without you. But now everything is ok. I can feel it. The machines are using me to infect Smith. Soon he'll die. Just as you and me. See? I can't live through this fight without you. I told you I can't. But that doesn't matter anymore. I did what you said, Trin. I save Zion. Everyone is okay. We are at peace. The war is over. Because of you and me. The darkness is on my face now. The pain is getting worse. But that's okay. I'll be with you soon now. I did it. I did it for you. I love you, Trinity. I close my eyes, and I see your face.