Chapter 15 – Whatever
"This sucks," Amarant grumbled for the fourth time since they had entered the Fire Shrine…three minutes ago. "It's hot, it's humid, everything's too hot to lean against, I'm tired, my dreadlocks are wilting, and worst of all, I'm stuck with you!"
"Oh, thank-you," Freya said resentfully. "Hmph!"
"I didn't mean you," he told her, annoyed. "I meant that cat-girl thing. And you."
Freya glanced around with a frown, choosing wisely to ignore the second part of his statement.
"So, where is that 'cat-girl thing'?"
Amarant shrugged.
"I don't know. Maybe she died or something. Or worse…maybe she didn't."
"Oh, come on!" Freya exclaimed. "Is she really that bad?"
Amarant came to a dead stop.
"Did you forget to sleep last night, or something? Is she ever not that bad? She bounces around, and giggles, and sings show tunes, and chases bunnies. And if that weren't enough, she keeps telling me what a cute couple we'd make!"
"Oh, the cardinal sin, I suppose," Freya said resentfully.
Amarant presumably blinked. Only he knew for certain...
"No, that's not what I meant. Well, it's not entirely what I meant."
"Oh, never mind! Let's just find her and get out of here."
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"Darn," Yezo sighed from her vantage point behind a rock on which sat a strange-looking shiny thing. "Leaving them alone to create a romantic atmosphere isn't working."
She pulled out her Handy-Dandy Notebook, promptly got sued by a guy named Steve and his dog named Blue, and crossed out Number 1 of her How To Create Romance List: Time Alone. "Funny; it always works in my stories. Alright; what's Step 2? Hmm…flowers and candy. I think I'll save that one. Step 3: Common Interests! Well…they both like leaning against things. No, that's just him. They both like jumping! No, wait, that's just her. Hmm…they both hate me!"
For a brief moment, a huge, hugely cheesy grin stretched across her face. Then it wilted gradually.
"That's not very nice!"
She stood up, stretched, and picked up the mirror on the platform. Huge green eyes, cute button nose, lotsa long, wavy, kinda brownish hair, cute perky ears…
"How could anyone hate this?" she wondered out loud. Faintly, she noticed that the ground had begun to rumble ominously. She assumed that it was because she hadn't eaten yet today.
"How, indeed, Yezo?" an ominous feminine voice said, which she assumed was her inner monologue. Yezo wasn't the brightest of cat-girls, even assuming that the average cat-girl has an intelligence somewhere between a butterfly and a Cuisinart. "How, indeed?"
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"No, you're stupid," Amarant said.
"No, you're stupid!" Freya countered, reflecting smugly that this was an excellent argument. No possible way for him to counter this!
"No, YOU'RE stupid!"
She frowned. Apparently, her argument
hadn't been quite so solid as she thought. Never mind. Time for a new tactic!
"You're a big meanie!"
Just when I thought we couldn't get any more out of character, Amarant reflected, searching in the back of his mind for the perfect rebuttal.
"Yeah? Well…you smell funny!"
Freya glared at him in outrage, then stopped and blinked.
"Amarant…what in the hell are we talking about?"
"I lost track at the fifteenth "no, you're stupid"," he admitted with a smirk.
"No, YOU'RE stupid!" she exclaimed. The knee-jerk reaction was an ugly thing…
He glared at her.
"You always have to have the last word, don't you? Now, can we please get back to the important issue?"
"Why Yezo's stupid?" Freya suggested, confused.
"No," Amarant replied. "Where the mirror is and whether or not it's guarded."
"And what happened to Yezo," Freya added.
"Sure, if you want," Amarant said with a shrug. "And by the way," he added under his breath, "you're stupid."
"What was that?" she asked sharply.
"Nothing," he said innocently.
"Oh, bugger," she sighed, eyes fixed on something up ahead.
Amarant followed her gaze, and then made a noise of disgust at the sight of Yezo, seated on the ground, gazing tearfully at the strange-looking purple…thingy looming over her.
"What in the hell is that?" he asked wearily.
"It's me! Yezo!" Yezo informed him cheerfully.
"Turn around," he told her. "Slowly."
"Are you trying to look at my butt?" she asked suspiciously.
He grit his teeth.
"Turn around quickly, and then turn back. I'll cover my eyes. With hair. Oh, look, I'm already on top of that."
Yezo turned accordingly.
"Hmm," she said. "Very curious. It's a big flamin' purple thingy!"
"I've been described more eloquently," the Fire Guardian said, somewhat hurt.
"Never mind that!" Freya exclaimed. "Amarant, Yezo obviously can't do a thing for herself, so we'd best take care of that thing before she gets hurt."
"We don't have to rush," Amarant pointed out. "You know, two birds, one stone?"
Yezo sniffled. Did everyone really hate her that much? Of course they did! Hadn't she always known that the whole wide world was out to get her! With that, a dam broke and tear jets erupted from the corners of her eyes.
"Hey! Hey! Fire Guardian over here! Careful!" the Fire Guardian protested, wincing as this hissing sound of fire being extinguished filled the cavern.
This protest produced no result, save for the tear jets increasing in water pressure.
"I can't help it!" Yezo wailed. "Everybody hates me, none of the cute fwuffy wittle aminals here will let me cuddle them, Bezo likes Sephiroth better than me, and worst of all, there are no Slurpees in this world! I WANT A SLURPEE!"
"Oh, this is embarrassing," the Fire Guardian reflected as she ceased to be.
"No! This is not happening," Amarant insisted, watching the scene in horror. "There's no way that idiot took down the strongest thing we've faced yet!"
"Well, actually-" Freya began, choking on some very ill timed laughter.
"Shut up!" he bellowed at her before running to the remains of the Fire Guardian. "Wake up! Damnit, wake up so we can kill you properly! Anyone got a match?"
"Hold on," Freya requested. "Let me cast a fire spell. Oh, wait, I'm not Vivi. Oh, well. Let me summon Ifrit. Oh, hold on, I'm not Dagger. Well! I guess we're stuck. Now, shall we take the mirror and get out of here."
"Hold on," Amarant called after her as she departed, the sobbing Yezo in tow. "What about my honour?"
"Forget your honour," Freya called after him inexorably. "Just take the mirror."
"This sucks," Amarant muttered, reaching for the mirror. "I either have to accept that Yezo is a cunning warrior, or that the Fire Guardian was too weak to bother with. Ah! That's how I'll choose to view this situation! Obvious, the Fire Guardian was a pansy. Just like Kuja."
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"Here we are in the Earth Shrine!" Zidane announced proudly as the two walked down the stairs into a lower level of the ship.
"Uh, no, you're not," Ensign Crew Member said, scratching his head. "You're in a lower level of the ship! Read the narration!"
"Oh, crap," Zidane sighed. "Come on, Quina."
"Wait," Quina called back. "Quina getting a snack for the road!"
"No time for a snack," Zidane said sternly. "Let's get outta here before someone breaks the fourth wall again."
"What?" Ensign Crew Member shrugged as Zidane marched purposefully from the ship, forgetting that they hadn't landed yet.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" he noted curiously.
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"Well, good thing I landed on Quina," Zidane said cheerfully forty-five seconds later, just outside the Earth Shrine.
"Yeah. Good thing," Quina agreed sarcastically, rubbing his sore belly. "All that falling made Quina hungry."
"Is there anything that doesn't make you hungry?"
"Food."
"Uh…right. Look, let's just go in, okay?"
"Is there food inside?" Quina asked hopefully.
"Yeah," Zidane replied sarcastically. "I'm sure there's a hotdog stand right next to the altar."
"Quina not want hotdogs," the Qu pouted.
Zidane, with an annoyed sort of grunt, which he had perfected after carefully observing Amarant, turned on his heel and entered the shrine, deciding that, even if they got separated, it wouldn't be that much of a loss.
"Zidane, you're turning into Squall," the narration warned nervously.
"Whatever," Zidane said indifferently, looking for a leather jacket trimmed with fur, regardless of how gay it may have looked.
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"Where the hotdog stand?" Quina asked reproachfully as the two leapt free of the many traps laid throughout the shrine.
"There was no hotdog stand," Zidane replied through gritted teeth. "Ow, by the way."
"Zidane lied…"
"Whatever," Zidane shrugged. Then, as something caught his eye, he squealed giddily and ran to the side of the path. "Hey, I think I found one!"
"One what? Better be food."
"A leather jacket trimmed with fur! Sweet! I'll look hot now!"
"Quina eat?" Quina asked hopefully.
"No way, Quina! This is my sexy chick-magnet jacket! Get your own!"
"Quina not care about chicks! Quina want food! Quina only care about chicks that come in extra-crispy bucket!"
"Alexandria Fried Choco!" a random guy wandering past in a white apron and chef hat. "We do Chocobo right!"
"Quina hallucinating," Quina whimpered. "Losing mind from hunger…"
"Quina, we'll eat when we get back to the ship! What's your damn hurry?"
"QUINA HUNGRY!"
A pause. Then…
"Whatever," Zidane shrugged, starting into the next room.
Quina's eyes narrowed to omlettes.
"Whatever, indeed, Zidane," he hissed, following the leather-clad youth. "Whatever, indeed."
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"Hey, sweet, it's the mirror!" Zidane exclaimed excitedly, bouncing up to the altar. Then he came to an abrupt halt and continued up at a slow saunter. "I mean, whatever."
"Hey," a voice from the upper left corner of the room said. "Don't take that."
"Says who?" Zidane demanded, crossing his arms and shifting his weight apathetically to one foot.
"The Earth Guardian, you idiot," said a big scary skeleton-lookin' dude as he emerged from the shadows. "We're in the Earth Shrine, after all. Don't you people do any research? God…read a book."
"Whoa!" Zidane exclaimed as he noticed something. "Nice jacket!"
The Earth Guardian gazed consideringly down at his black leather jacket trimmed with fur.
"Whatever."
"That is so cool!" Zidane gushed. "You've gotta teach me now to do it like that!"
"Whatever."
"How do you exude so much indifference?" the boy asked, clasping his hands, eyes growing wide and shiny.
"Simple," the Earth Guardian replied. "I don't care. Look, take the mirror, go, just let me get back to my show."
"Whatever," Zidane giggled, stepping forward.
The Earth Guardian sighed, annoyed.
"No, you've got it wrong. It's like this." He cleared his throat. "Whatever."
"What…ever?" Zidane tried.
"No, no, no! Whatever."
"Whatever…"
"Add a dismissing gesture. Like a wave. As such: whatever," the Earth Guardian said, dismissing them with a wave.
"Whatever," Zidane said enthusiastically, waving just as enthusiastically at the Earth Guardian as he stepped forward to get the mirror.
At this point, Quina's mind, hanging on by a thin thread that was the hope of a hotdog stand, snapped altogether.
"QUINA EAT!" he howled, making a mad rush for Zidane.
"Whatever!" Zidane whimpered in fear, grabbing the Earth Guardian by the back of the coat and cowering behind him.
"Figures," the Earth Guardian shrugged just before the hunger-addled Qu reached him and he ceased to be.
"Whoa, good job, Quina!" Zidane congratulated him heartily.
After the meal, Quina snatched up Zidane's coat and devoured it.
"Whatever."