The Hogwarts Express pulled away from platform nine and three-quarters, slowly picking up speed as it began its journey towards Hogwarts and the new school year. Low, gray clouds hung in the sky above it, but these did nothing to quell the spirits of Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. These four were all seated in a compartment towards the back, discussing the upcoming year.
"I just can't believe this is our second-to-last year of school!" said Hermione. "Well, except for you, of course, Ginny."
"I know," sighed Ginny. "It's going to be so sad when you lot leave, you know?"
"Yeah," said Harry. "But we've still got two more years left, right?"
"Right," said Ron morosely. "Two whole more years of studying and homework left. . . ."
"Oh, be quiet, Ron," said Hermione. "It isn't that bad."
"It isn't that bad if you're a bloody walking dictionary," muttered Ron under his breath.
"I heard that, Ron," snapped Hermione.
Ginny rolled her eyes at Harry, who grinned. No matter how much Ron and Hermione argued, no matter that Voldemort was back, no matter anything right now, he couldn't be happier. He was on his way back to Hogwarts with his friends. At that moment, everything was great.
Then the compartment door opened. Everyone fell silent. Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful girl Harry had ever seen. She had long, lustrous, naturally blond hair, gorgeous gray eyes, delicate features, and a figure so perfect it almost seemed impossible. His happy mood instantly vanished, to be replaced by the horrible, sick-to-the-stomach feeling that no matter what he did in front of this girl, it would never be cool enough for her.
Ron blinked. That was weird. For a minute he hadn't even seen the girl in the doorway. Then she had sort of - appeared - out of no-where. Where had she come from, anyway? She was obviously about their age, but he thought he'd probably remember seeing her once in six years if she went to Hogwarts. The girl smiled dazzlingly, flashing a set of brilliant white teeth.
"D'you mind if I sit in here?" she asked. "All the other compartments are full."
"Eh - not at all," said Ron, as no one else seemed about to say anything. Harry was staring with his mouth agape, while Hermione and Ginny both looked puzzled and a little bit annoyed. The blond girl seated herself gracefully and looked shyly around at them all.
"Uh, well, my name's Ron Weasley," said Ron, sticking out his hand. He was feeling quite pleased with himself for his new-found poise around beautiful girls.
"Marietta McKay," said Marietta cordially.
"Hermione Granger,"
"Ginny Weasley,"
"I'm - uh - my name, is - uh - I'm Harry Potter," said Harry when Marietta looked at him.
Marietta smiled beautifully.
"It's so lovely to meet you all," she said. "I hope everyone at Hogwarts is as pleasant as you." Then she laughed a silvery laugh. Harry smiled foolishly.
"How is it that you're coming to Hogwarts?" asked Hermione keenly. "I mean, I don't believe the school normally take on transfer students, does it?"
"Well, no," said Marietta. "But my case is unusual. You see, I was on the list for Hogwarts since the day I was born, but I wasn't able to attend until this year."
"Why's that?" asked Ginny.
"Oh, I've been on the run from the Dark Lord's faithful Death Eaters all my life," said Marietta casually. "You see, they believed that I was the last remaining princess of an ancient, fairy line, whose tears restore power to those who have lost it."
There was a long silence.
"So . . . were you?" asked Ron.
"Mm-hm," said Marietta.
There was a *really* long silence.
"So . . . you have no relatives at all?" asked Ginny.
"Oh, no. They were all killed by Voldemort," said Marietta sadly, lowering her eyes and brushing a single fairy tear from her lashes. Harry choked up.
"You're really part - um - fairy?" asked Hermione.
"Yes. Part elven, too. Oh, and my great-great-grandmother was a mermaid," said Marietta. "That's where I get my singing voice, of course."
She flicked her hair over her shoulder and looked pleasantly around at all their stunned faces. Well, Harry didn't look stunned, thought Ron. He looked completely smitten. Ginny was looking at Harry, and she actually appeared a little pissed off. Hermione was definitely stunned, though.
"So, what side do you get your fairy on?" asked Ginny flippantly.
"My mothers. I can't remember her at all . . . but her name was Ariel Marie McKay."
"Why don't you have your father's last name?" asked Ron.
"My father never knew I was born," said Marietta. "You see, my mother wanted to keep my birth a secret, to protect me, so she gave me up to a trusted friend soon after I was born. A centaur, actually, who raised me until the defeat of the Dark Lord. My father couldn't take me then, of course, because he was in Azkaban."
"Your father was a Death Eater?" asked Ginny incredulously.
"Oh no - he was a member of the Order. His name was Sirius Black."
There was an even longer silence than when Marietta had told them all she was a fairy princess. Everyone was staring at her now, mouths open and all.
"Sirius - Sirius didn't have a wife," stammered Harry at last.
"Oh, they were only engaged, they never had time to marry." said Marietta, as if that explained everything.
"But . . . but he would have told me about that," said Harry. "Sirius wouldn't have just, just, not mentioned about being engaged once."
"Well, I'd imagine it was rather painful for him," said Marietta sorrowfully. "My mother fleeing the country and being murdered before they could say good-bye . . ."
"I, um, I guess so," said Harry, though he still felt rather confused. But he was going to be rather confused for some time yet. He'd get used to it.
Hermione opened her eyes to brilliant light streaming through the open window of her Hogsmeade home. She closed her eyes again, and lay back against the pillow, feeling oddly displaced, as though she'd fallen a long way. Her head was killing her. Memories and thoughts seemed jumbled in her mind, tumbling over one another. She sighed, and tried to recap. She was twenty-five years old. She was married to Ron Weasley. She was a librarian at Hogwarts school. She was going to Harry Potter and Marietta S. McKay's wedding today.
Hermione's eyes snapped open. For some reason that match had never sat well with her, although they certainly were devoted to one another. Until Marietta had come along, Hermione had always thought that Ginny would be the one . . . but Ginny had moved to the States and they hardly ever heard from her anymore. They really didn't hear too much from anyone in Ron's family. Or any of their old school acquaintances. Life was just too busy, Hermione supposed, rushing blurrily from one moment to the next. Ever since their sixth year in school, it seemed, things had seemed to go haywire. Right about when Marietta had arrived . . .
Life in general had seemed to change when Marietta had come to Hogwarts. Draco Malfoy, for instance. He had fallen completely in love with Marietta, even reformed into a nice person for her. Then she had rejected his offer of love in front of the entire school. It had crushed him. He had drank away all of his inherited money, and now he had some dead-end job in the Ministry, without a girlfriend. Hermione had never envisioned Draco as either a romantic or an underachiever. But Marietta had changed all that.
She had changed Harry, too. He had wanted to be an Auror for years, but now he played professional Quidditch for England. Marietta was the one who had wanted him to try out. Marietta was the one who had encouraged Ginny to go to the States. Marietta was the one who had gotten Ron his job in the post office, which he hated. Marietta was even the reason Hermione was a librarian. Indirectly, of course, but it could obviously be traced back to her complimenting Hermione to the new Headmistress.
It seemed that Marietta had changed a lot of things. Indeed, the more Hermione thought about it, the more it became obvious that everything wrong in her life was due to Marietta. Not that Marietta meant to do any of it. She was the kindest, sweetest person Hermione had ever known. No one could say no to her. Even though Ron hated his job at the post office, he kept it because he was afraid of offending Marietta. Hermione knew how he felt. It was almost impossible to be annoyed by her. Only two people that Hermione could think of, Pansy Parkinson and Cho Chang, had ever disliked Marietta McKay. They had both been jealous - Pansy over Draco, Cho over Harry. Ginny had never really been jealous. She had liked Marietta almost in spite of herself, it seemed. Even Snape had been won over by her. There was always Voldemort, of course.
A sudden chill took hold of Hermione. She couldn't remember what had happened to Voldemort. He had died, obviously, but how? And how was it possible that she didn't remember? Something was terribly wrong here. She had to find out what. Ron was already gone, she couldn't ask him, but she did have access to an entire library full of books. Hermione jumped out of bed and dressed quickly, walking to the castle even faster than that. In short order she was in the library, pulling down every work concerning Voldemort ever published.
Several hours later, she sat at a table with her head in her hands, surrounded by the same books. There was nothing. Nothing. No explanation at all as to how the most powerful Dark wizard of all time had been ultimately defeated. It was as if he and his followers had simply faded out of existence. Hermione rubbed her eyes, trying to ignore her headache. That was impossible. Ridiculous. Voldemort did not - could not - fade. Was she going mad? Had she been cursed somehow, or did she have an illness? But there didn't seem to be anything else wrong with her. What if it was a problem with something larger than herself?
Hours later again, Hermione sat at the very same table. This time, though, with only one book. A dusty old one, entitled The Theory of Parallel Universes. They weren't a theory any longer.
"Ron!" said Hermione, bursting in through the front door and glancing around for her husband. "Ron, I've figured it out!"
"What?" said Ron, looking rather alarmed as he came round the corner. "Figured what out?"
"Everything!" said Hermione. "I've figured everything out - I know why we're all here!"
Ron looked even more alarmed.
"Easy, Hermione," he said, staring worriedly at her. "I mean, no one can figure everything out,"
"Oh, I don't mean that, Ron," said Hermione impatiently. "Of course I haven't figured out the meaning if life. I've just discovered that parallel universes actually exist - and we're in one."
"Right then," said Ron.
"No, I'm terribly serious," said Hermione. "Look, I'll show you. Can you remember what happened to Voldemort?"
"Well, of course . . . I can't," said Ron, his disbelieving look fading to confusion. "Wait a minute . . . what the hell! What's going on here?"
"Exactly what someone in a parallel universe want to," said Hermione. "You see, there are an infinite number of parallel universes. For the most part they exist on completely separate levels. Unaware of each others being. Every once in a while, however, they clash."
"Clash? How can they clash if they're completely unaware of each other?" asked Ron.
"That's the thing," said Hermione. "No one knows that they have. The universes are too separate for the clashes to be noticeable. They come through as dreams, or inspirations, vague thoughts that no one can explain, so they leave them to the complexity of the human mind. Someone, in some other universe, was part of a clash with ours. They wrote a book about us."
"A book? We're in a book?"
"No," said Hermione.
"Are you telling me," said Ron, a look of disgust appearing on his face. "That we're in a bloody fanfic?"
"It's worse," said Hermione grimly. "We're not in just any old fic. This is a Mary-Sue."
"No," said Ron in a hushed voice.
"Yes," said Hermione. "That's how I was able to figure this out, you see. In a Mary-Sue fic, when the Mary-Sue enters they become the new center of the universe. That just throws everything off so wildly that it's hard to believe it's actually reality."
"Who is it?" asked Ron.
"Who d'you think?" said Hermione sarcastically. "Marietta S. McKay, of course,"
Some time later, she and Ron sat in the Leaky Cauldron with Harry, trying to explain everything to him.
"So you're telling me," said Harry, sitting hunched over at the bar. "That we've been living in a fanfic since our sixth year at Hogwarts?"
"Ever since Marietta walked through that door," said Ron, taking a swig of his drink.
"That I can't remember what happened to Voldemort because of a - a plot hole?"
"You've got it bang on, mate," said Ron.
"That my soon-to-be wife does not actually exist, but is a fictional character created in a parallel universe?"
"Genuine Mary-Sue," said Ron, shaking his head.
"I'm having some trouble with this," said Harry.
"Of course you are," said Hermione. "It's a bit disturbing to realize that half your life has been based around some unknown persons fanfic, but that, unfortunately, doesn't give us more time. I've been thinking . . . this is a Mary-Sue, right? And how do Mary-Sues usually end?"
"Stupidly?" suggested Ron.
"Well, yes," said Hermione. "But that's beside the point. My point is that Marietta has accomplished all but one thing that Mary-Sues are supposed to. She hasn't married Harry. But once that happens . . . the story will come to an end. Mary-Sues never grow old."
"You're right," said Harry uncomfortably. "What happens to us then?"
"My hypothesis is that our universe would explode, utterly destroying everything and everyone in the world." said Hermione. "Just as soon as the author types 'The End'."
"You're always so cheerful, Hermione," said Ron.
"Whether I'm cheerful or not doesn't matter," snapped Hermione. "What matters is that right now we're in the epilogue of what could potentially be our lives. Harry, this fic is about you. We need you to help us get rid of Marietta. Now do you believe us or not?"
Harry sighed deeply. He pulled out his wallet and looked at the several photos he kept of his fiancé. There was the one from their graduation day . . . Marietta beaming at the camera. Here was one from the skiing trip they had taken a couple years ago . . . Marietta looking gorgeous against a backdrop of snow-covered mountains. Oh, and there was that one of Marietta in black lingerie doing suggestive things with her -
Wait a minute, thought Harry. No woman's body is that perfect. She is a Mary-Sue! My darling, cherished, beloved, precious, baby-doll honey is a Mary-Sue! Oh, she's going to be so crushed when she finds out! I mean, she just bought all those monogrammed towels and everything . . .
Hermione knocked on the door of Marietta's dressing room.
"Who is it?"
"It's Hermione, Marietta. I just thought I'd come by and say hello before the wedding starts,"
"Oh," said Marietta, sounding slightly flustered. "Well, um, I guess that's all right. Come on in,"
Hermione opened the door, and she Ron and Harry stepped into the room. Marietta turned to face them all, dressed in her flowing white bridal gown, her flowing blond hair flowing over her perfect shoulders, which would be flowing if they could be. Obviously.
"Oh, Harry! You're not supposed to be here! You know what they say, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding," she said teasingly.
"Well, it's even worse luck when parallel universes clash together, resulting in a warped timeline which could ultimately destroy the world," said Hermione.
"Huh?" said Marietta.
"Marietta, sweetie" said Harry gently. "I'm afraid we know what this is all about. We know what your middle name is."
Marietta paled visibly.
"N-No you don't," she said. "I've never told you!"
"Yeah, well, we figured it out," said Ron. "Or, as I should say, Hermione figured it out," he amended at a look from Hermione.
"But - but Harry don't you love me?! I was created for you!" cried Marietta.
It was Harry's turn to pale.
"You knew?" said Harry. "You knew that you're a - a Mary-Sue?"
"I did!" sobbed Marietta. "I knew it all along . . . but I thought, I thought you'd be happy with me, Harry!"
"But you're a fictional character!" said Harry.
"Well, only part of me," said Marietta. "You forget that I'm a Mary-Sue. Now that you know that, we can be happy together!"
"I just can't do that," said Harry. "If I married you could never live with myself, what with destroying my entire universe and everything. I'm sure you'll understand in time."
"I don't have time!" said Marietta. "I have to get married right now! That's what this fic is all about! And if you don't want to marry me, I guess I'll just have to make you!"
Marietta whipped out her wand and pointed it directly at Harry's chest.
"You can't hurt him," said Hermione.
"You're not real," said Harry.
Marietta started to shimmer at the edges.
"No! I am real!" she protested. But the shimmering grew stronger. Ron, Harry and Hermione squinted as it grew to a brilliant white light, completely enveloping Marietta's form. With a final burst of energy it exploded, and where it had been hung a jagged hole in time and space. Looking back at them from the other side of the hole was a teenage girl, sitting at her computer.
"Wicked," said Ron.
"Like, oh my god!" said the girl.
Hermione shoved Ron aside and stepped right up to the edge of the hole.
"Listen up, chicky," she said. "I want you to delete all your fanfic. Never write anymore. It's dangerous stuff to be playing with. You never know when you might accidentally become entangled in a parallel universe and completely destroy countless lives."
"Whatever," muttered the girl.
The hole began to close up.
"Seriously," said Harry. "Lay off,"
The girl started to look nervous.
"Look, is this an ownership thing?" she asked. "'Cause I so totally put a disclaimer on all my fics!
Hermione sighed impatiently as the hole continued shrinking.
"Yeah," said Ron. "Er - infringement of copyright. You do it again, we'll hunt you down and sue you for all you're worth!"
"Ok, geez, I'll do it," said the girl, rolling her eyes as the hole closed completely. Ron, Harry and Hermione all turned and looked at each other.
"I still don't get it," said Harry. "Who'd want to write a fic about us?"
Ron shrugged.
"It must've been a popular book," said Hermione.
Ginny blinked. That was weird. She had thought someone was starting to open the compartment door, then it was like she'd blacked out for a second or something. No one had come in. Oh well. She turned back to her friends, and the start of her fifth school year.
The End. Excellent.
"I just can't believe this is our second-to-last year of school!" said Hermione. "Well, except for you, of course, Ginny."
"I know," sighed Ginny. "It's going to be so sad when you lot leave, you know?"
"Yeah," said Harry. "But we've still got two more years left, right?"
"Right," said Ron morosely. "Two whole more years of studying and homework left. . . ."
"Oh, be quiet, Ron," said Hermione. "It isn't that bad."
"It isn't that bad if you're a bloody walking dictionary," muttered Ron under his breath.
"I heard that, Ron," snapped Hermione.
Ginny rolled her eyes at Harry, who grinned. No matter how much Ron and Hermione argued, no matter that Voldemort was back, no matter anything right now, he couldn't be happier. He was on his way back to Hogwarts with his friends. At that moment, everything was great.
Then the compartment door opened. Everyone fell silent. Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful girl Harry had ever seen. She had long, lustrous, naturally blond hair, gorgeous gray eyes, delicate features, and a figure so perfect it almost seemed impossible. His happy mood instantly vanished, to be replaced by the horrible, sick-to-the-stomach feeling that no matter what he did in front of this girl, it would never be cool enough for her.
Ron blinked. That was weird. For a minute he hadn't even seen the girl in the doorway. Then she had sort of - appeared - out of no-where. Where had she come from, anyway? She was obviously about their age, but he thought he'd probably remember seeing her once in six years if she went to Hogwarts. The girl smiled dazzlingly, flashing a set of brilliant white teeth.
"D'you mind if I sit in here?" she asked. "All the other compartments are full."
"Eh - not at all," said Ron, as no one else seemed about to say anything. Harry was staring with his mouth agape, while Hermione and Ginny both looked puzzled and a little bit annoyed. The blond girl seated herself gracefully and looked shyly around at them all.
"Uh, well, my name's Ron Weasley," said Ron, sticking out his hand. He was feeling quite pleased with himself for his new-found poise around beautiful girls.
"Marietta McKay," said Marietta cordially.
"Hermione Granger,"
"Ginny Weasley,"
"I'm - uh - my name, is - uh - I'm Harry Potter," said Harry when Marietta looked at him.
Marietta smiled beautifully.
"It's so lovely to meet you all," she said. "I hope everyone at Hogwarts is as pleasant as you." Then she laughed a silvery laugh. Harry smiled foolishly.
"How is it that you're coming to Hogwarts?" asked Hermione keenly. "I mean, I don't believe the school normally take on transfer students, does it?"
"Well, no," said Marietta. "But my case is unusual. You see, I was on the list for Hogwarts since the day I was born, but I wasn't able to attend until this year."
"Why's that?" asked Ginny.
"Oh, I've been on the run from the Dark Lord's faithful Death Eaters all my life," said Marietta casually. "You see, they believed that I was the last remaining princess of an ancient, fairy line, whose tears restore power to those who have lost it."
There was a long silence.
"So . . . were you?" asked Ron.
"Mm-hm," said Marietta.
There was a *really* long silence.
"So . . . you have no relatives at all?" asked Ginny.
"Oh, no. They were all killed by Voldemort," said Marietta sadly, lowering her eyes and brushing a single fairy tear from her lashes. Harry choked up.
"You're really part - um - fairy?" asked Hermione.
"Yes. Part elven, too. Oh, and my great-great-grandmother was a mermaid," said Marietta. "That's where I get my singing voice, of course."
She flicked her hair over her shoulder and looked pleasantly around at all their stunned faces. Well, Harry didn't look stunned, thought Ron. He looked completely smitten. Ginny was looking at Harry, and she actually appeared a little pissed off. Hermione was definitely stunned, though.
"So, what side do you get your fairy on?" asked Ginny flippantly.
"My mothers. I can't remember her at all . . . but her name was Ariel Marie McKay."
"Why don't you have your father's last name?" asked Ron.
"My father never knew I was born," said Marietta. "You see, my mother wanted to keep my birth a secret, to protect me, so she gave me up to a trusted friend soon after I was born. A centaur, actually, who raised me until the defeat of the Dark Lord. My father couldn't take me then, of course, because he was in Azkaban."
"Your father was a Death Eater?" asked Ginny incredulously.
"Oh no - he was a member of the Order. His name was Sirius Black."
There was an even longer silence than when Marietta had told them all she was a fairy princess. Everyone was staring at her now, mouths open and all.
"Sirius - Sirius didn't have a wife," stammered Harry at last.
"Oh, they were only engaged, they never had time to marry." said Marietta, as if that explained everything.
"But . . . but he would have told me about that," said Harry. "Sirius wouldn't have just, just, not mentioned about being engaged once."
"Well, I'd imagine it was rather painful for him," said Marietta sorrowfully. "My mother fleeing the country and being murdered before they could say good-bye . . ."
"I, um, I guess so," said Harry, though he still felt rather confused. But he was going to be rather confused for some time yet. He'd get used to it.
Hermione opened her eyes to brilliant light streaming through the open window of her Hogsmeade home. She closed her eyes again, and lay back against the pillow, feeling oddly displaced, as though she'd fallen a long way. Her head was killing her. Memories and thoughts seemed jumbled in her mind, tumbling over one another. She sighed, and tried to recap. She was twenty-five years old. She was married to Ron Weasley. She was a librarian at Hogwarts school. She was going to Harry Potter and Marietta S. McKay's wedding today.
Hermione's eyes snapped open. For some reason that match had never sat well with her, although they certainly were devoted to one another. Until Marietta had come along, Hermione had always thought that Ginny would be the one . . . but Ginny had moved to the States and they hardly ever heard from her anymore. They really didn't hear too much from anyone in Ron's family. Or any of their old school acquaintances. Life was just too busy, Hermione supposed, rushing blurrily from one moment to the next. Ever since their sixth year in school, it seemed, things had seemed to go haywire. Right about when Marietta had arrived . . .
Life in general had seemed to change when Marietta had come to Hogwarts. Draco Malfoy, for instance. He had fallen completely in love with Marietta, even reformed into a nice person for her. Then she had rejected his offer of love in front of the entire school. It had crushed him. He had drank away all of his inherited money, and now he had some dead-end job in the Ministry, without a girlfriend. Hermione had never envisioned Draco as either a romantic or an underachiever. But Marietta had changed all that.
She had changed Harry, too. He had wanted to be an Auror for years, but now he played professional Quidditch for England. Marietta was the one who had wanted him to try out. Marietta was the one who had encouraged Ginny to go to the States. Marietta was the one who had gotten Ron his job in the post office, which he hated. Marietta was even the reason Hermione was a librarian. Indirectly, of course, but it could obviously be traced back to her complimenting Hermione to the new Headmistress.
It seemed that Marietta had changed a lot of things. Indeed, the more Hermione thought about it, the more it became obvious that everything wrong in her life was due to Marietta. Not that Marietta meant to do any of it. She was the kindest, sweetest person Hermione had ever known. No one could say no to her. Even though Ron hated his job at the post office, he kept it because he was afraid of offending Marietta. Hermione knew how he felt. It was almost impossible to be annoyed by her. Only two people that Hermione could think of, Pansy Parkinson and Cho Chang, had ever disliked Marietta McKay. They had both been jealous - Pansy over Draco, Cho over Harry. Ginny had never really been jealous. She had liked Marietta almost in spite of herself, it seemed. Even Snape had been won over by her. There was always Voldemort, of course.
A sudden chill took hold of Hermione. She couldn't remember what had happened to Voldemort. He had died, obviously, but how? And how was it possible that she didn't remember? Something was terribly wrong here. She had to find out what. Ron was already gone, she couldn't ask him, but she did have access to an entire library full of books. Hermione jumped out of bed and dressed quickly, walking to the castle even faster than that. In short order she was in the library, pulling down every work concerning Voldemort ever published.
Several hours later, she sat at a table with her head in her hands, surrounded by the same books. There was nothing. Nothing. No explanation at all as to how the most powerful Dark wizard of all time had been ultimately defeated. It was as if he and his followers had simply faded out of existence. Hermione rubbed her eyes, trying to ignore her headache. That was impossible. Ridiculous. Voldemort did not - could not - fade. Was she going mad? Had she been cursed somehow, or did she have an illness? But there didn't seem to be anything else wrong with her. What if it was a problem with something larger than herself?
Hours later again, Hermione sat at the very same table. This time, though, with only one book. A dusty old one, entitled The Theory of Parallel Universes. They weren't a theory any longer.
"Ron!" said Hermione, bursting in through the front door and glancing around for her husband. "Ron, I've figured it out!"
"What?" said Ron, looking rather alarmed as he came round the corner. "Figured what out?"
"Everything!" said Hermione. "I've figured everything out - I know why we're all here!"
Ron looked even more alarmed.
"Easy, Hermione," he said, staring worriedly at her. "I mean, no one can figure everything out,"
"Oh, I don't mean that, Ron," said Hermione impatiently. "Of course I haven't figured out the meaning if life. I've just discovered that parallel universes actually exist - and we're in one."
"Right then," said Ron.
"No, I'm terribly serious," said Hermione. "Look, I'll show you. Can you remember what happened to Voldemort?"
"Well, of course . . . I can't," said Ron, his disbelieving look fading to confusion. "Wait a minute . . . what the hell! What's going on here?"
"Exactly what someone in a parallel universe want to," said Hermione. "You see, there are an infinite number of parallel universes. For the most part they exist on completely separate levels. Unaware of each others being. Every once in a while, however, they clash."
"Clash? How can they clash if they're completely unaware of each other?" asked Ron.
"That's the thing," said Hermione. "No one knows that they have. The universes are too separate for the clashes to be noticeable. They come through as dreams, or inspirations, vague thoughts that no one can explain, so they leave them to the complexity of the human mind. Someone, in some other universe, was part of a clash with ours. They wrote a book about us."
"A book? We're in a book?"
"No," said Hermione.
"Are you telling me," said Ron, a look of disgust appearing on his face. "That we're in a bloody fanfic?"
"It's worse," said Hermione grimly. "We're not in just any old fic. This is a Mary-Sue."
"No," said Ron in a hushed voice.
"Yes," said Hermione. "That's how I was able to figure this out, you see. In a Mary-Sue fic, when the Mary-Sue enters they become the new center of the universe. That just throws everything off so wildly that it's hard to believe it's actually reality."
"Who is it?" asked Ron.
"Who d'you think?" said Hermione sarcastically. "Marietta S. McKay, of course,"
Some time later, she and Ron sat in the Leaky Cauldron with Harry, trying to explain everything to him.
"So you're telling me," said Harry, sitting hunched over at the bar. "That we've been living in a fanfic since our sixth year at Hogwarts?"
"Ever since Marietta walked through that door," said Ron, taking a swig of his drink.
"That I can't remember what happened to Voldemort because of a - a plot hole?"
"You've got it bang on, mate," said Ron.
"That my soon-to-be wife does not actually exist, but is a fictional character created in a parallel universe?"
"Genuine Mary-Sue," said Ron, shaking his head.
"I'm having some trouble with this," said Harry.
"Of course you are," said Hermione. "It's a bit disturbing to realize that half your life has been based around some unknown persons fanfic, but that, unfortunately, doesn't give us more time. I've been thinking . . . this is a Mary-Sue, right? And how do Mary-Sues usually end?"
"Stupidly?" suggested Ron.
"Well, yes," said Hermione. "But that's beside the point. My point is that Marietta has accomplished all but one thing that Mary-Sues are supposed to. She hasn't married Harry. But once that happens . . . the story will come to an end. Mary-Sues never grow old."
"You're right," said Harry uncomfortably. "What happens to us then?"
"My hypothesis is that our universe would explode, utterly destroying everything and everyone in the world." said Hermione. "Just as soon as the author types 'The End'."
"You're always so cheerful, Hermione," said Ron.
"Whether I'm cheerful or not doesn't matter," snapped Hermione. "What matters is that right now we're in the epilogue of what could potentially be our lives. Harry, this fic is about you. We need you to help us get rid of Marietta. Now do you believe us or not?"
Harry sighed deeply. He pulled out his wallet and looked at the several photos he kept of his fiancé. There was the one from their graduation day . . . Marietta beaming at the camera. Here was one from the skiing trip they had taken a couple years ago . . . Marietta looking gorgeous against a backdrop of snow-covered mountains. Oh, and there was that one of Marietta in black lingerie doing suggestive things with her -
Wait a minute, thought Harry. No woman's body is that perfect. She is a Mary-Sue! My darling, cherished, beloved, precious, baby-doll honey is a Mary-Sue! Oh, she's going to be so crushed when she finds out! I mean, she just bought all those monogrammed towels and everything . . .
Hermione knocked on the door of Marietta's dressing room.
"Who is it?"
"It's Hermione, Marietta. I just thought I'd come by and say hello before the wedding starts,"
"Oh," said Marietta, sounding slightly flustered. "Well, um, I guess that's all right. Come on in,"
Hermione opened the door, and she Ron and Harry stepped into the room. Marietta turned to face them all, dressed in her flowing white bridal gown, her flowing blond hair flowing over her perfect shoulders, which would be flowing if they could be. Obviously.
"Oh, Harry! You're not supposed to be here! You know what they say, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding," she said teasingly.
"Well, it's even worse luck when parallel universes clash together, resulting in a warped timeline which could ultimately destroy the world," said Hermione.
"Huh?" said Marietta.
"Marietta, sweetie" said Harry gently. "I'm afraid we know what this is all about. We know what your middle name is."
Marietta paled visibly.
"N-No you don't," she said. "I've never told you!"
"Yeah, well, we figured it out," said Ron. "Or, as I should say, Hermione figured it out," he amended at a look from Hermione.
"But - but Harry don't you love me?! I was created for you!" cried Marietta.
It was Harry's turn to pale.
"You knew?" said Harry. "You knew that you're a - a Mary-Sue?"
"I did!" sobbed Marietta. "I knew it all along . . . but I thought, I thought you'd be happy with me, Harry!"
"But you're a fictional character!" said Harry.
"Well, only part of me," said Marietta. "You forget that I'm a Mary-Sue. Now that you know that, we can be happy together!"
"I just can't do that," said Harry. "If I married you could never live with myself, what with destroying my entire universe and everything. I'm sure you'll understand in time."
"I don't have time!" said Marietta. "I have to get married right now! That's what this fic is all about! And if you don't want to marry me, I guess I'll just have to make you!"
Marietta whipped out her wand and pointed it directly at Harry's chest.
"You can't hurt him," said Hermione.
"You're not real," said Harry.
Marietta started to shimmer at the edges.
"No! I am real!" she protested. But the shimmering grew stronger. Ron, Harry and Hermione squinted as it grew to a brilliant white light, completely enveloping Marietta's form. With a final burst of energy it exploded, and where it had been hung a jagged hole in time and space. Looking back at them from the other side of the hole was a teenage girl, sitting at her computer.
"Wicked," said Ron.
"Like, oh my god!" said the girl.
Hermione shoved Ron aside and stepped right up to the edge of the hole.
"Listen up, chicky," she said. "I want you to delete all your fanfic. Never write anymore. It's dangerous stuff to be playing with. You never know when you might accidentally become entangled in a parallel universe and completely destroy countless lives."
"Whatever," muttered the girl.
The hole began to close up.
"Seriously," said Harry. "Lay off,"
The girl started to look nervous.
"Look, is this an ownership thing?" she asked. "'Cause I so totally put a disclaimer on all my fics!
Hermione sighed impatiently as the hole continued shrinking.
"Yeah," said Ron. "Er - infringement of copyright. You do it again, we'll hunt you down and sue you for all you're worth!"
"Ok, geez, I'll do it," said the girl, rolling her eyes as the hole closed completely. Ron, Harry and Hermione all turned and looked at each other.
"I still don't get it," said Harry. "Who'd want to write a fic about us?"
Ron shrugged.
"It must've been a popular book," said Hermione.
Ginny blinked. That was weird. She had thought someone was starting to open the compartment door, then it was like she'd blacked out for a second or something. No one had come in. Oh well. She turned back to her friends, and the start of her fifth school year.
The End. Excellent.