[18 July 2013] Edited, because I notice people are still reading this old, old story, and I'm horrified at the grammar of my old self. -_- Also taken the opportunity to straighten out warnings in Author Notes.

Author Notes:

Thank you for all the encouraging reviews! ^^ I'm so wooed! And even greater thanks for your patience in waiting for my updates, and for still following the story when I seemed to have confused everyone like storm. ^^0

So a bit of explanation on the last chapter: I portray 'Dark Tsuzuki' as Tsuzuki's other personality, sort of. All the turmoil inside Tsuzuki's mind was because of the continual shift between these two personalities. The 'real' Tsuzuki regained control when Muraki came in, but the other one's traits resurfaced when he killed the doctor. At this point it was the real Tsuzuki all right, but the dark one was still lurking inside and feeding him bits of morbid, violent thoughts. Yeah. Was it too fancy?

No special warnings for this chapter, just talks on death, and a liberal amount of sappy angst (or angsty sap— is there such a thing?).

Italics are thoughts.
"Quoted italics" are flashback dialogues.

A Wing Short of Flying

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Now is the time not to be afraid.
- John Galt, "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand

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Chapter Ten: The Hand

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Butterflies.

Tsuzuki opened his eyes. The scene in his mind shifted away from the fire that still danced in his sleep every night, to the peaceful sight of the butterflies by the window.

But peace to him meant death all the same.

He absently wondered if they were the same ones that he knew months ago. He was once again confined within the white walls of the hospital room, though he never did remember how he had got here. Maybe the villagers had found him by the remains of Muraki's house and brought him here. It seemed like the only possible explanation, seeing as his only companion was barely alive at that time.

He turned to the bed beside him, the one that held Hisoka's bandaged, sleeping form.

Naturally, Tsuzuki had recovered much faster than him. Days had passed since Tsuzuki came to, and he had only seen the youth awake for a few brief periods.

They hadn't spoken to each other.

Amano-sensei had resumed his charge over Tsuzuki, and now, Hisoka as well. It was just because no others would replace him. Tsuzuki didn't need Hisoka's empathy to know that. It was all written in the doctor's weary face, in the wary eyes of the only nurse who'd been attending to him. Whoever had saved him was perhaps regretting it now. It didn't take much for their suspicious minds to deduce the cause of Muraki's death.

They had left him alone for a few days to date. Not that Tsuzuki actually missed them.

A gasp from Hisoka's direction caught his attention. Hisoka was waking up.

—Apparently from yet another nightmare, most probably with Tsuzuki in it.

Smiling bitterly to himself, Tsuzuki got up and went to Hisoka's bedside. His movements were still awkward, but getting better from day to day.

"Tsuzuki," he heard Hisoka's weak voice. The boy smiled at him hesitantly.

Slowly, he smiled back. "How are you feeling?"

"Itchy," Hisoka answered. "All over the place…"

Tsuzuki's grin came out somewhat awkward. "Then you're getting better."

Hisoka slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position. "I think so," he said. "How about you… did the doctor say anything?"

"He is used to me for two years already," Tsuzuki couldn't keep the cynicism out of his voice. "I suppose he knows by now that he need not do anything to heal me."

Silence.

Hisoka looked around slowly. "This is the same room you used to be in?"

Tsuzuki nodded. He suddenly felt like a schoolboy taking his girlfriend to his house for the first time, nervous that she might not like it. He quickly dismissed that ridiculous feeling.

Hisoka turned to him, a slight humor in his eyes. He had definitely read that.

"Well…" Tsuzuki started, but his words died in his thoughts. How does he feel about me now? After I tried to kill him…

Hisoka looked down at his lap.

"I'm s—"

"You have nothing to apologize for," Hisoka cut him off.

"—For hurting you," Tsuzuki continued anyway.

"I did manipulate your mind," Hisoka replied.

"—For I can't promise it won't happen again."

"I know."

Tsuzuki looked up. "You…"

Hisoka met his gaze. "Don't you think… there are already too many apologies between us?"

Tsuzuki smiled bitterly.

"Let's forget it," Hisoka said. "He is… dead."

Just to what extent have our lives been affected by that one man…

It brought back the memories of the killing, and Tsuzuki shuddered, feeling that presence stir inside him.

"I thought it would be fine," Hisoka said softly. "I thought you… this you… would not remember what happened, when the other you were…"

He didn't finish that.

That's why you asked me to kill…

Tsuzuki looked away. "And you had wanted to die with him, hadn't you."

"You won't die from it," the boy had said. "That's the important thing." And nothing else.

Haven't we both been so tired of this life? Fight after fight… defeat after defeat… and even when we did win, we were left scarred and battered.

"I… was tempted to."

"Then…"

"I promised you I would stay," Hisoka said simply.

Tsuzuki stared. "I don't want you to carry that with you. A lot have changed since then." I can't have you living for me when I myself have already—

Hisoka placed a hand over his arm. "The point is… I want to finish what I've started. There are so many things I still need to do, and while I'm given the chance to go on, I will not refuse it."

He was so resigned to everything life threw at him. Yet that acceptance was what made him strong.

"…I used to go with him to hospitals and patients' houses," Hisoka said. "Some of those patients he managed to cure, but some… even he couldn't help. And I felt each one of those deaths— the regret over things they'd never managed to accomplish, the futile struggle to live just one more day…" He took a deep breath. "It made me realize that life itself was precious, that I shouldn't waste mine no matter how bad it turned to be."

That is enough…

"If this life is all wrong… then I should live to right the mistakes. I can't do anything if I'm dead."

…That is all I need to know.

Tsuzuki smiled, placed his own hand over Hisoka's on top of his arm. "That is… wonderful."

Hisoka looked at him with that usual searching gaze of him, reading Tsuzuki's emotions.

"You too, Tsuzuki, don't ever think that you have no reason to live, no purpose…"

Tsuzuki leaned over, and placed a gentle kiss on the boy's cheek. He startled, and blushed slightly.

"Thank you," Tsuzuki said softly.

Wonder in his eyes, Hisoka opened his mouth to reply, but Tsuzuki gently drew his hand away from their contact.

"You should rest now," he said.

"…All right." Hisoka sounded reluctant.

Yes, you'll be all right.

He watched Hisoka sliding back under the blanket and closing his eyes to rest. Then he returned to his bed and lay there sleepless, staring at the ceiling.

"Stay strong," he whispered, almost in a prayer.

.

.

Tsuzuki walked out to the hospital park. He had always watched this place from his window, but never had the chance to be here.

It was past midnight. His surroundings were in complete silence. His own bare feet treaded soundlessly on the grasses; his mind as blank as the darkness around him.

For a moment he thought he heard the footsteps of the security guard, but decided that he had imagined that. That man knew better than to risk his lungs walking around at this chilly hour.

Tsuzuki walked until he reached the far corner of the park. A lonely tree stood at the end of the grass patch, the two ends of the concrete walls forming its harbor from the world outside.

All thoughts came to his mind then, as he stood there watching the emptiness that was the sky.

He recalled his days in this hospital, a perfectly fine body wasting away without life energy in it, an apathetic mind bordering on insanity. They had been keeping him just for the fascination of his self-replenishing body cells, hoping they would one day discover the secret of immortality through him.

He couldn't comprehend how they still dared to dream of immortality when they'd seen what immortality made him.

Yet Tsuzuki didn't regret having survived those days to meet Hisoka. He didn't regret his decision to live for the comrade he found in that young boy. And although he didn't know whether it was the other him who'd put that thought in his mind, perhaps he didn't regret having killed Muraki either.

Life was precious, Hisoka had said. But they had killed Muraki, because they decided that he didn't deserve to live.

And Tsuzuki knew his other self was no better.

He took a deep sigh, closing his eyes. He had been controlling his other self carefully, painstakingly, by clinging to a single thought: Never hurt Hisoka again. The pressure built up within him with each day he spent recovering in the hospital, side by side with the one he treasured so much— the one he could hurt so easily.

He knew he was going to break one day. At that time all would be too late.

So while he still had the control… while the other had not the time to interfere…

Hisoka was all right now. He needed only to know that before he carried out what he'd decided days ago. He had waited anxiously for Hisoka to wake up, to ensure that the youth would be fine, to say the last things he wanted to say.

Hisoka was strong. He'd live through this somehow. Even without Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki opened his eyes briefly. Am I being selfish? He asked the invisible stars. Am I running away?

He knew he was being a coward. But there was no better way.

The night sky above was gradually losing its pitch-dark quality. In a few hours red would strike across its vast expanse, dawn coming to replace the darkness. Together with it, this child of darkness would disappear.

At dawn they would find him. At dawn Hisoka would sense it.

"I need only to beat the cells' recovery rate. Paranormal phenomena call for paranormal treatment."

Guess he'd have to thank Muraki for that piece of enlightenment.

Tsuzuki inhaled deeply. He could already feel that other presence awakening slowly.

Now, Tsuzuki. Before he had the chance to win.

Tsuzuki set himself on fire.

.

.

He didn't scream. He didn't even move as the heat consumed his skin, then his flesh, then his bones. He knew he must bear this without complaint, to justify the suffering of the people he'd killed in the same manner.

The voice sounded so far away. It couldn't be his. He had probably imagined it again.

"…zuki!"

He shouldn't care. Nothing in the living world concerned him anymore.

"Tsuzuki!"

He refused to open his eyes.

The call stopped. He knew it was not real…

Then he felt a cool grip on his arms, and his eyes flew open instinctively. Nothing should interfere with his plan.

"…Hi…soka."

The boy stood before him, his body drenched wet, his two hands holding Tsuzuki's burning arms. He'd probably jumped into the fountain to wet himself on his way here. His hands were cold from the water and the night air, but turned warm within seconds as the fire started to transfer.

Tsuzuki quickly shook him off. "Silly! Don't touch the fire!"

"What are you thinking?!" Hisoka demanded, while trying to hold on to Tsuzuki.

"I have to do this."

"I don't see why! I thought we talked about that, and you…"

"I can't let myself hurt you again."

"You won't hurt me," Hisoka said, shielding his eyes as he came nearer to Tsuzuki. "For goodness' sake, Tsuzuki, put out the fire!"

"How can you tell? You're not the one living with this demon inside of you!"

Hisoka sprang to him, catching him in surprise. He fell backwards, and Hisoka fell on top of him. With surprising strength born from despair, Hisoka forced him to roll on the ground.

I don't need another rescue…

They lay on the bare patch of grass, breathing heavily. Hisoka jumped up the next second, hovering above him. He applied his wet shirt to the remaining fire on the pieces of Tsuzuki's clothes.

"How ruthless…" Tsuzuki caught him murmuring.

"You shouldn't have—"

Hisoka ignored him, examining the burnt flesh all over Tsuzuki's body. "They will heal soon, right…?"

Tsuzuki sat up promptly, catching Hisoka's hands. They too were burnt, though not as badly.

"But this won't," he admonished.

"Don't talk about these small wounds when you almost got yourself killed."

"You should be asleep."

"I sensed you."

"You shouldn't interfere with my decision."

Hisoka was silent for a moment. "I should have just let you go?"

The sudden loneliness in that voice struck Tsuzuki.

"I'm not afraid of that demon, Tsuzuki."

Tsuzuki shook his head sadly. "You don't understand. He is… a part of me..."

Hisoka's eyes softened. "If he is a part of you, all the more you can control him."

"I can't afford to take that risk. There will be people around me… there'll be you…"

"I will not let him take you."

The incident when he'd tried to kill Hisoka replayed in Tsuzuki's mind. The incident when he'd been overcome by his lust and they had—

He shook his head harshly.

"I am not enough?" Hisoka asked.

You are… always…

"It's not about you. It's me who—"

Tsuzuki cried out as a bolt of pain hammered through his brain. It was over within seconds. He opened his eyes as the last flickering trace of the assault died in Hisoka's eyes.

"Are we any different, Tsuzuki?"

"You don't have this evil presence, this… monster."

"Everybody has his dark side," Hisoka said. "It had been so easy to hate my father, to wish for his painful death…"

Tsuzuki stared.

Hisoka smiled ironically. "I didn't try anything, though. I figured if this was my dark side, his coldness towards me could be part of his dark side. There is always the other side of him that my mother loves, that I have loved as a child."

Tsuzuki knew what he was implying. You too have a good side…

"You are… precious to me… and I'm willing to bear your dark side for that," Hisoka looked at him earnestly. "…Stay with me?"

A request for a promise, in return of a promise.

So much emotion surged up in Tsuzuki at that confession. If this continued he would not be able to resist…

Tsuzuki turned away from his gaze with difficulty.

"But I am such a monster," he murmured, his hands shaking as he pressed them on his face. "If one day it ever takes over, everything… everything will be lost."

Do you understand? I can't stay even if I want to.

The silence that followed felt exactly like one of his numerous suicides.

-…He was so accustomed to that feeling, the turning back from death. He remembered the sensation of fading out, the seemingly endless drifting in nothingness. Then always, always, he was pulled back by invisible hands… -

He felt Hisoka touch his hands gently, prying them away from his face. The young one's burnt fingers were rough and callused just as his own, but the touch was softer than anything he could recall.

"I'm a monster too, Tsuzuki," Hisoka said softly. "It's okay to stay with me."

Under the gaze of the deep green eyes, Tsuzuki finally allowed himself to cry.

.

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Author Notes:

One more chapter to go after this, which is the epilogue. Please hang on…