Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty
Part 2
Narrator: Welcome to the second Episode of Behind The Game. In this edition, we show you how the characters in the game secretly felt about each other. First up, how everyone felt about Snake.
(cut to everyone but Snake)
Raiden: When I first met Snake, I thought he was at least in his fiftys. Turns out he's only 30 something.
Emma: I noticed that too! Was it just me, or did it look like he'd been through hell many, many times?
Otacon: Well, he was married to Meryl for a couple of years.
Ocelot: (shudders) That would be scary. Why did they break up again?
Solidus: (rubs his black eye) I think he might have said something wrong.
Vamp: How did you get the black eye?
Solidus: I was trying to get a plane flight to Pittsburgh for me and Liquid, and Lara Croft was selling the tickets. So I said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh" instead of "Two tickets to Pittsburgh".
Vamp: Ouch.
Otacon: Wait a minute! Thats what happened to Snake!
Emma: Huh? (adjusts chopsticks in hair)
Otacon: One morning, instead of saying "Good morning dear", he said "You've ruined my life you goddamn large assed succubus"
Ronin Syaoran: Ba boom ching!
(silence)
Ronin: I'll go now... (walks away)
Raiden: Snake smokes a lot!
Ocelot: No shit.
Raiden: He also drinks waaaaay to much.
Fortune: Hey, Fatman, remember that night when you went to get him for his opening scene?
Fatman: Ho ho ho!
Fortune: No I'm not!
Fatman: Roll the clip.
(cut to Snake sprawled face up on a pool of vomit)
Snake: Ugh...
(enter Fatman)
Fatman: Snake! You're on in 5 minutes!
Snake: (drinks some whiskey) Slag off.
Fatman: But Snake-
Snake: I said SLAG OFF! (throws bottle at Fatman, who quickly runs away) Ah, back to my hallucinogenic dreams.
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Raiden: Little did he know that he was slowly slipping away to the poison dream!
(everyone stares at Raiden)
Ocelot: Whatever. And remember that time when he went to McDonalds after that day?
Emma: No.
Ocelot: Quiet you! Roll the clip!
Narrator: It isn't time yet!
Ocelot: Why you...
Fortune: (humming the tune from Sk8er Boi) Doo doo doo doo, hmm hmm hmm hmm, da da da da da da doo doo doo...
Otacon: Now can we roll the clip?
Narrator: Hmm... no.
Raiden: Why not? (sniffs)
Narrator: I don't feel like it.
Ocelot: (holds up a postcard) Roll the clip or I read it.
Narrator: You wouldn't dare!
Ocelot: (coughs and starts reading) Dear Snoogle Boogie, I just wanted to thank you for that night of passion we shar-
Narrator: Allright!
(cut to Snake in McDonalds, surrounded by attendants. He himself is holding a USP and a deep fryer)
Attendent 1: Hey you, give us our fryer!
Snake: NEVER!!! (starts firing pistol while the attendents rush him)
Attendent 2: (gets shot) Ugh! (collapses)
Attendent 3: No! (rushes to help him)
Attendant 2: He may take our lives... but he will never take... our fryer!
Snake: (stops firing) Fryer? Damn, I wanted some fries!
Attenent 2: To... to go?
Snake: Yep. (passes him the fryer)
Attendent 2: And here... you go. (passes him the fries)
Snake: Thanks! (drinks some whiskey and walks out)
Attendent 1: There goes the stupidest man I ever met.
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Emma: Wait a minute! How did they film all this?!
Ocelot: The producers had a Cypher follow everyone during the shooting of the game, just for this show.
Raiden: My cats breath smells like cat food.
(silence)
Fatman: Hold on! (pulls out a cake) Who wants some?
Fortune: Me!
Pliskin: I'll have some. (everyone stares at him) What? Oh yeah, the entire "I can't be here as I'm really Snake in a disguise that anyone could see through if they had played the first part of the game" thing. (walks out)
Otacon: He's drunk. On elvish porn.
Raiden: Well, remember what Snake says about elvish porn! (looks up into the air and smiles)
Emma: And what does he say?
Narrator: But not everything was about non-sensical jokes to do with elvish porn. Some was about... wait a minute... a dental plan?!
(cut to Snake argueing with Hideo Kojima with the Russian troops behind Snake)
Hideo: I'm sorry Snake, but the deal was you get free whiskey, hookers and cigarettes in exchange for the entire cast not having a dental plan.
Snake: But look at those Russian troops! They all have horrible tooth decay! (notices Russians glaring at him) No offence fellas.
Hideo: Lets put it this way. You want delicous beer and hookers, and smokes that stunt your growth and give you tooth decay?
Snake: Well... can I myself get a dental plan in exchange for the hookers?
Hideo: Deal. (he and Snake shake hands)
Russian Troop 1: Well, it's a fair deal.
Russian Troop 2: Wait a minute! (steps forward to speak to Hideo) We get a dental plan, in exchange for (pulls out a VHS tape) this tape showing you and Yoji Shinkawa doing in a VERY comprimising situation.
Hideo: (grabs tape and shoots it with his gun) Ha ha!
Russian Troop 2: You think that was my only copy?
Hideo: (shakes head) Fine. You gat your dental plan. (he and Russian shake hands)
Russian Troop 2: Ha ha! That WAS my only copy!
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Otacon: Dental plan?
Emma: I saw the tape!
Fortune: Really?! What was on it?
Emma: Lets just say it involves classical music, robot dancing, a pile of cheese and a mouse costume.
Ocelot: Hmm. Sounds interesting.
Emma: It was.
Fatman: Aren't we supposed to be talking about Snake and how we really felt about him.
Fortune: I thought he was cool.
Ocelot: Oh please.
Raiden: What, you don't think he's cool?
Ocelot: No, I think he's hot! (every stares in silence) Sorry, it kinda came out.
Otacon: Speaking of things coming out...
(cut to the scene where Snake and Raiden encounter Fortune)
Fortune: (lands on ground, but her breast pops out from costume) Oops!
Raiden: (blushes and turns away) I'll be going now. You coming Snake?
Snake: Hey hey hey, Snake has gotta stay. Can't fight Metal Gears with a stiffy in the way.
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Fortune: Didn't I order those tapes to be destroyed?
Solidus: The Patriots held onto a copy.
Otacon: For the last time, there are no Patriots!
Solidus: Thats what the Patriots want you to think!
Raiden: Ever wondered about if you went back in time and killed yourself, how could you exist to go back and kill yourself? (silence) Man, I gotta stop popping those pills Snake gave me.
Ocelot: Yes. Yes you should.
Narrator: But not everything was about black women breasts. Some was about marriage proposals.
(cut to Snake talking to something off camera)
Snake: Girl, I like your style. Will you be my lawfully something something? (drinks whiskey)
OC Thing: Firstly, I'm a guy. Secondly, I'm never getting married, and finally (camera turns to reveal a seagull) I'M A SEAGUL!!!
Snake: Girl, I know we're different. You're a smart babe, I'm a ruggedly handsome man-
Seagull: I'm a FUCKING SEAGULL!
Snake: Not so loud. (drinks whiskey) But there's something I have to tell you...
Seagull: Hold on, how can I even talk to you?!
Snake: (drinks whiskey) I'm pregnant with your baby.
Seagull: Lay off the whiskey dude. You've had to much.
Snake: (gets angry and pulls out pistol) I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! (shoots seagull, and it explodes in a puff of feathers) Oh god, what have I done?! (kneels down and cries over the feathers) DAMN YOUSE! DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Ocelot: Poor man. He killed his one true love.
Fortune: I pity da fool who kill their one true love.
Otacon: (shakes his head) Just one sterotype after another...
Fortune: (pulls out a ruler and whacks everyone over the head) Black rage! BLACK RAGE!!!
Narrator: But not all of it was about drunken seagull shooting. Some was about replacement characters.
(cut to a guard walking down a hallway)
Guard: (notices a magazine on the ground) Hmm... (bends over and looks, and see's that it's Miss Piggy porn) What the...?
(a gun clicks behind the guards head)
Voice: Freeze! Now turn around!
(Guard turns around and sees Cookie Monster and Elmo)
Cookie Monster: Give me da coooookies!
Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Vamp: I killed Elmo and drank his muppet blood.
Otacon: (laughs) Oh Vamp, you slay me!
Vamp: I wish. (motions towards knife)
Fortune: Vamp! Don't do it.
Vamp: Yeah Queen.
Ocelot: (Liquid possesses him) Mwahaha! I now host this body! Now I am free to annoy people with my horrible English accent and constant cries of 'Genetic Experiments!'
Raiden: Want some cake?
Liquid Ocelot: Yes please! (grabs cake and starts eating)
Fatman: Leave some for me!
Liquid Ocelot: Whatever, Bakery!
Solidus: Why do you call him Bakery?
Liquid Ocelot: Because he has so many rolls!
Fatman: Wah!
Narrator: Your love is like bad medicine, bad medicine is what I need... I mean... But not all of it was about Bon Jovi songs. Some was about... uh... selling out.
(cut to Snake sneaking around in the tanker. He notices a guard and quickly ducks out and holds the guard up)
Snake: Freeze!
Guard: Uh!
Snake: (turns to camera) Hi. I'm Solid Snake from such other sellout games, including "Metal Gear 2: Snakes Revenge" and the ever popular "The Erotic Missions Of Solid Snake". Get it? My name? A solid snake? Snake also means penis?! GET IT?! I HAVE A SOLID SNAKE?!
Guard: (Raidens voice) Hurry up...
Snake: Not now, Raidy boy! Anyway, I, the Solid Snake... hee hee hee... have just released my new game, "Metal Gear Solid 2.7: The Obvious Scheme For More Money". Buy many copies of it now!
Guard: (Raiden voice) Where's my Legolas porn and copy of "The Darkness Before The Fall"?!
Snake: (shakes head) I can't believe you wanted to read that shit...
Guard: (Raidens voice) Just give me it! Ronin Syaoran is so Kawaii!
Snake: Just for that... (starts shooting Raiden)
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Liquid Ocelot: The wettening...
Raiden: I bought 3 copies of that game! I also suffered a complete breakege of every bone in my body after Snake pumped me full of lead!
Fatman: You know, I'm not the first Fatman?
Fortune: How so?
Fatman: The first one, who was my twin brother, died.
Otacon: How did he die?
Fatman: He died with a felafel in his hands.
Otacon: Mmm... felafel... (eats a felafel)
Narrator: But not everything was about a great Australian novel. Some of it was about Seinfeld spoofs.
(cut to Snake sitting on the couch with Fortune playing The Getaway)
Snake: I mean, what is it with the English gangsters? I mean, I know that they're from England, but they seem to have an accent!
Fortune: I'm just going to ignore you and talk about my horrible love life.
(Raiden, with messed up hair, slides in through the door)
Raiden: Heeeey, David. Mind if I borrow some of your guns and ammo?
Snake: And what is it with the messed up hair? I mean I know it's all part of the joke, but it seems to be in every episode!
(Fatman walks in)
Fatman: I'm a depressed man who's unemployed and I live with my parents.
Fortune: Can you spare a death? I just wanna die, can you spare?
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Otacon: I don't remember that...
Liquid Ocelot: I do!
Emma: Really?
Liquid Ocelot: No... (hangs head in shame) I just wanted some attention...
Narrator: And thats all for this episode. Join us next time for everyones view on Raiden. Here's a sneak peek.
Emma: I... (breaks down in tears) I wanted Raiden so bad that I got his naked body tattooed on my inner thigh. Just so when I... when I masturbated I'd see his sexy body lying there, approving of me.
Narrator: Oh yeah... mm thats some good mind-porn... I mean... uh... tune in next time on Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2.
Part 2
Narrator: Welcome to the second Episode of Behind The Game. In this edition, we show you how the characters in the game secretly felt about each other. First up, how everyone felt about Snake.
(cut to everyone but Snake)
Raiden: When I first met Snake, I thought he was at least in his fiftys. Turns out he's only 30 something.
Emma: I noticed that too! Was it just me, or did it look like he'd been through hell many, many times?
Otacon: Well, he was married to Meryl for a couple of years.
Ocelot: (shudders) That would be scary. Why did they break up again?
Solidus: (rubs his black eye) I think he might have said something wrong.
Vamp: How did you get the black eye?
Solidus: I was trying to get a plane flight to Pittsburgh for me and Liquid, and Lara Croft was selling the tickets. So I said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh" instead of "Two tickets to Pittsburgh".
Vamp: Ouch.
Otacon: Wait a minute! Thats what happened to Snake!
Emma: Huh? (adjusts chopsticks in hair)
Otacon: One morning, instead of saying "Good morning dear", he said "You've ruined my life you goddamn large assed succubus"
Ronin Syaoran: Ba boom ching!
(silence)
Ronin: I'll go now... (walks away)
Raiden: Snake smokes a lot!
Ocelot: No shit.
Raiden: He also drinks waaaaay to much.
Fortune: Hey, Fatman, remember that night when you went to get him for his opening scene?
Fatman: Ho ho ho!
Fortune: No I'm not!
Fatman: Roll the clip.
(cut to Snake sprawled face up on a pool of vomit)
Snake: Ugh...
(enter Fatman)
Fatman: Snake! You're on in 5 minutes!
Snake: (drinks some whiskey) Slag off.
Fatman: But Snake-
Snake: I said SLAG OFF! (throws bottle at Fatman, who quickly runs away) Ah, back to my hallucinogenic dreams.
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Raiden: Little did he know that he was slowly slipping away to the poison dream!
(everyone stares at Raiden)
Ocelot: Whatever. And remember that time when he went to McDonalds after that day?
Emma: No.
Ocelot: Quiet you! Roll the clip!
Narrator: It isn't time yet!
Ocelot: Why you...
Fortune: (humming the tune from Sk8er Boi) Doo doo doo doo, hmm hmm hmm hmm, da da da da da da doo doo doo...
Otacon: Now can we roll the clip?
Narrator: Hmm... no.
Raiden: Why not? (sniffs)
Narrator: I don't feel like it.
Ocelot: (holds up a postcard) Roll the clip or I read it.
Narrator: You wouldn't dare!
Ocelot: (coughs and starts reading) Dear Snoogle Boogie, I just wanted to thank you for that night of passion we shar-
Narrator: Allright!
(cut to Snake in McDonalds, surrounded by attendants. He himself is holding a USP and a deep fryer)
Attendent 1: Hey you, give us our fryer!
Snake: NEVER!!! (starts firing pistol while the attendents rush him)
Attendent 2: (gets shot) Ugh! (collapses)
Attendent 3: No! (rushes to help him)
Attendant 2: He may take our lives... but he will never take... our fryer!
Snake: (stops firing) Fryer? Damn, I wanted some fries!
Attenent 2: To... to go?
Snake: Yep. (passes him the fryer)
Attendent 2: And here... you go. (passes him the fries)
Snake: Thanks! (drinks some whiskey and walks out)
Attendent 1: There goes the stupidest man I ever met.
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Emma: Wait a minute! How did they film all this?!
Ocelot: The producers had a Cypher follow everyone during the shooting of the game, just for this show.
Raiden: My cats breath smells like cat food.
(silence)
Fatman: Hold on! (pulls out a cake) Who wants some?
Fortune: Me!
Pliskin: I'll have some. (everyone stares at him) What? Oh yeah, the entire "I can't be here as I'm really Snake in a disguise that anyone could see through if they had played the first part of the game" thing. (walks out)
Otacon: He's drunk. On elvish porn.
Raiden: Well, remember what Snake says about elvish porn! (looks up into the air and smiles)
Emma: And what does he say?
Narrator: But not everything was about non-sensical jokes to do with elvish porn. Some was about... wait a minute... a dental plan?!
(cut to Snake argueing with Hideo Kojima with the Russian troops behind Snake)
Hideo: I'm sorry Snake, but the deal was you get free whiskey, hookers and cigarettes in exchange for the entire cast not having a dental plan.
Snake: But look at those Russian troops! They all have horrible tooth decay! (notices Russians glaring at him) No offence fellas.
Hideo: Lets put it this way. You want delicous beer and hookers, and smokes that stunt your growth and give you tooth decay?
Snake: Well... can I myself get a dental plan in exchange for the hookers?
Hideo: Deal. (he and Snake shake hands)
Russian Troop 1: Well, it's a fair deal.
Russian Troop 2: Wait a minute! (steps forward to speak to Hideo) We get a dental plan, in exchange for (pulls out a VHS tape) this tape showing you and Yoji Shinkawa doing in a VERY comprimising situation.
Hideo: (grabs tape and shoots it with his gun) Ha ha!
Russian Troop 2: You think that was my only copy?
Hideo: (shakes head) Fine. You gat your dental plan. (he and Russian shake hands)
Russian Troop 2: Ha ha! That WAS my only copy!
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Otacon: Dental plan?
Emma: I saw the tape!
Fortune: Really?! What was on it?
Emma: Lets just say it involves classical music, robot dancing, a pile of cheese and a mouse costume.
Ocelot: Hmm. Sounds interesting.
Emma: It was.
Fatman: Aren't we supposed to be talking about Snake and how we really felt about him.
Fortune: I thought he was cool.
Ocelot: Oh please.
Raiden: What, you don't think he's cool?
Ocelot: No, I think he's hot! (every stares in silence) Sorry, it kinda came out.
Otacon: Speaking of things coming out...
(cut to the scene where Snake and Raiden encounter Fortune)
Fortune: (lands on ground, but her breast pops out from costume) Oops!
Raiden: (blushes and turns away) I'll be going now. You coming Snake?
Snake: Hey hey hey, Snake has gotta stay. Can't fight Metal Gears with a stiffy in the way.
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Fortune: Didn't I order those tapes to be destroyed?
Solidus: The Patriots held onto a copy.
Otacon: For the last time, there are no Patriots!
Solidus: Thats what the Patriots want you to think!
Raiden: Ever wondered about if you went back in time and killed yourself, how could you exist to go back and kill yourself? (silence) Man, I gotta stop popping those pills Snake gave me.
Ocelot: Yes. Yes you should.
Narrator: But not everything was about black women breasts. Some was about marriage proposals.
(cut to Snake talking to something off camera)
Snake: Girl, I like your style. Will you be my lawfully something something? (drinks whiskey)
OC Thing: Firstly, I'm a guy. Secondly, I'm never getting married, and finally (camera turns to reveal a seagull) I'M A SEAGUL!!!
Snake: Girl, I know we're different. You're a smart babe, I'm a ruggedly handsome man-
Seagull: I'm a FUCKING SEAGULL!
Snake: Not so loud. (drinks whiskey) But there's something I have to tell you...
Seagull: Hold on, how can I even talk to you?!
Snake: (drinks whiskey) I'm pregnant with your baby.
Seagull: Lay off the whiskey dude. You've had to much.
Snake: (gets angry and pulls out pistol) I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! (shoots seagull, and it explodes in a puff of feathers) Oh god, what have I done?! (kneels down and cries over the feathers) DAMN YOUSE! DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Ocelot: Poor man. He killed his one true love.
Fortune: I pity da fool who kill their one true love.
Otacon: (shakes his head) Just one sterotype after another...
Fortune: (pulls out a ruler and whacks everyone over the head) Black rage! BLACK RAGE!!!
Narrator: But not all of it was about drunken seagull shooting. Some was about replacement characters.
(cut to a guard walking down a hallway)
Guard: (notices a magazine on the ground) Hmm... (bends over and looks, and see's that it's Miss Piggy porn) What the...?
(a gun clicks behind the guards head)
Voice: Freeze! Now turn around!
(Guard turns around and sees Cookie Monster and Elmo)
Cookie Monster: Give me da coooookies!
Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Vamp: I killed Elmo and drank his muppet blood.
Otacon: (laughs) Oh Vamp, you slay me!
Vamp: I wish. (motions towards knife)
Fortune: Vamp! Don't do it.
Vamp: Yeah Queen.
Ocelot: (Liquid possesses him) Mwahaha! I now host this body! Now I am free to annoy people with my horrible English accent and constant cries of 'Genetic Experiments!'
Raiden: Want some cake?
Liquid Ocelot: Yes please! (grabs cake and starts eating)
Fatman: Leave some for me!
Liquid Ocelot: Whatever, Bakery!
Solidus: Why do you call him Bakery?
Liquid Ocelot: Because he has so many rolls!
Fatman: Wah!
Narrator: Your love is like bad medicine, bad medicine is what I need... I mean... But not all of it was about Bon Jovi songs. Some was about... uh... selling out.
(cut to Snake sneaking around in the tanker. He notices a guard and quickly ducks out and holds the guard up)
Snake: Freeze!
Guard: Uh!
Snake: (turns to camera) Hi. I'm Solid Snake from such other sellout games, including "Metal Gear 2: Snakes Revenge" and the ever popular "The Erotic Missions Of Solid Snake". Get it? My name? A solid snake? Snake also means penis?! GET IT?! I HAVE A SOLID SNAKE?!
Guard: (Raidens voice) Hurry up...
Snake: Not now, Raidy boy! Anyway, I, the Solid Snake... hee hee hee... have just released my new game, "Metal Gear Solid 2.7: The Obvious Scheme For More Money". Buy many copies of it now!
Guard: (Raiden voice) Where's my Legolas porn and copy of "The Darkness Before The Fall"?!
Snake: (shakes head) I can't believe you wanted to read that shit...
Guard: (Raidens voice) Just give me it! Ronin Syaoran is so Kawaii!
Snake: Just for that... (starts shooting Raiden)
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Liquid Ocelot: The wettening...
Raiden: I bought 3 copies of that game! I also suffered a complete breakege of every bone in my body after Snake pumped me full of lead!
Fatman: You know, I'm not the first Fatman?
Fortune: How so?
Fatman: The first one, who was my twin brother, died.
Otacon: How did he die?
Fatman: He died with a felafel in his hands.
Otacon: Mmm... felafel... (eats a felafel)
Narrator: But not everything was about a great Australian novel. Some of it was about Seinfeld spoofs.
(cut to Snake sitting on the couch with Fortune playing The Getaway)
Snake: I mean, what is it with the English gangsters? I mean, I know that they're from England, but they seem to have an accent!
Fortune: I'm just going to ignore you and talk about my horrible love life.
(Raiden, with messed up hair, slides in through the door)
Raiden: Heeeey, David. Mind if I borrow some of your guns and ammo?
Snake: And what is it with the messed up hair? I mean I know it's all part of the joke, but it seems to be in every episode!
(Fatman walks in)
Fatman: I'm a depressed man who's unemployed and I live with my parents.
Fortune: Can you spare a death? I just wanna die, can you spare?
(cut back to everyone but Snake)
Otacon: I don't remember that...
Liquid Ocelot: I do!
Emma: Really?
Liquid Ocelot: No... (hangs head in shame) I just wanted some attention...
Narrator: And thats all for this episode. Join us next time for everyones view on Raiden. Here's a sneak peek.
Emma: I... (breaks down in tears) I wanted Raiden so bad that I got his naked body tattooed on my inner thigh. Just so when I... when I masturbated I'd see his sexy body lying there, approving of me.
Narrator: Oh yeah... mm thats some good mind-porn... I mean... uh... tune in next time on Behind The Game: Metal Gear Solid 2.