Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2- Sons Of Liberty
Part Six
Narrator: Tonight, on Behind The Game, we showcase the two of the main characters of the story- Colonel Campbell, and of course, Rosemary. These two were the basis of much of the story, and other yummy goodness.
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)
Snake: Man, that Rosemary chick was hot. I'd like her on my meat, if you catch my drift? Eh, eh? Wink wink nudge nudge, (nudges Raiden in the chest with his elbow) Know what I mean? Know what I mean?
Raiden: I'm gay.
Snake: Oh... yeah. Sorry.
Solidus: Remember that one time, when I walked into Rosemarys room, and she was in a 13-way orgy... WITH THE PATRIOTS?! I loved her so! DAMN!
Ocelot: Calm down, Boss...
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS! DAMN THEM ALL TO THEIR PATRIARCHAL HELL!
Vamp: Does anyone mind if I kill him?
Hideo Kojima: Yes. Yes I do.
Vamp: Damn Japanese game designers...
Narrator: But not all of it was about Solidus and his insanity. Some was about... late night talk shows.
(cut to Conan O'Brian at his desk)
Conan: My next guest is in the upcoming game, Metal Gear SOlid 2: Sons Of Liberty. Lets welcome ROSEMARY!
(Rosemary walks on in a sexy dress- audience makes wolf howls and appluads)
Rose: Hi Conan!
Conan: Hellooo, (makes cat noise) How are you today?
Rose: I'm good actually!
Conan: Very good. Now, lets start off this interview. Rosemary, you're sexy, cute, spunky and very good in bed, or so I've been told.
Rose: Aww, shucks. (smiles and blushes)
Conan: And you keep your beautiful skin and body even after working with Solid Snake! Rosemary, what is your secret?
Rose: I'm a lesbian.
(silence)
Conan: Didn't expect that coming.
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)
Ocelot: My real name is Sheldon.
Frodo: Not now, Sam! I mean, Revolver!
(Ocelot shoots Frodo in the head)
Emma: Didn't Campbell have a sick love for Raiden? (looks around for Raiden) Where is he?
Otacon: In the playpen. With all the reviewers.
Shade: MWAHAHAHAHA!
(cut to Olga, Liquid, Raiden, Blackraven, Battleshield, Pablosky, Kat, Chibs, Naemi and sephiroth-02-01 playing in a playpen)
Pablosky: (puts pants on head) I dress myself!
Liquid: (playing with Metal Gear dolls with Battleshield) I attack with missiles! Twio, twio!
Battleshield: Uh, I counter with machine guns! Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!
Liquid: (Tears well up in his eyes) I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU ANYMORE!
(move on to Naemi, Raiden, Kat, Blackraven and sephiroth-02-01 playing Spin-The-Bottle)
Blackraven: (spins the bottle) Ok, Raiden has to kiss... (spins bottle again) sephiroth! Hee hee hee!
Raiden: YAY!
Naemi and Kat: (pointing at sephiroth and chanting) You have to kiss a boy! You have to kiss a boy!
sephiroth-02-01: Eww! (turns and shrugs at Raiden)
Raiden: (grins and then kisses sephiroth) Mmm...
Olga: Enough of that! It's time for Show-And-Tell!
Narrator: We'll get back to that later. Now then, onto Campbells sick fetishes....
(cut to Raiden walking around on the set)
Raiden: Man, I need a nap... (walks over to his dressing room) Ah, here we go... (enters room, closes door behind him)
Campbell: Hi there big boy.
Raiden: (turns around and sees' Campbell on his bed, wearing nothing but a thong) Sweet Jesus, NO!
Campbell: (strokes crotch erotically) Oh yeah, cutie. Come over here and let me tenderise your 'pork sword'.
Raiden: No, Jesus, NO!
Campbell: Oh yeah, sexy.
Raiden: (tries to open door but finds it locked from the other side) Oh shit.
Campbell: You've been a very naughty boy, Raiden. (pulls out whip and ball-gag) You're going to have to be punished.
Raiden: HELP ME JESUS!
(Suddenly, a white light fills the room and Jesus appears before them)
Campbell: Uh oh.
Jesus: DIE! (holds up hand and Campbell falls down to the ground dead)
Raiden: Wow, thanks!
Jesus: Don't mention it.
Raiden: So... uh... seeing as you're Jesus and all, could you grant me a wish or something?
Jesus: What the fuck? You think I'm a fucking genie or something?
Raiden: Well, no...
Jesus: I died on the cross for your sins, and I just saved you from that sick bastard! What have you even done for me?!
Raiden: Umm, nothing, I suppose...
Jesus: Die by the evil cobra of Heaven! (hold out hand, and a cobra appears) See ya! (disappears)
Raiden: (notices cobra is about to bite his neck) Ah crap.
(Liquid bursts in)
Liquid: Wait! I can talk to snakes! Let me handle this... (waves hands at the cobra) Cobra, do not bite Raiden! Do not bite Raiden!
(cobra bites Raiden)
Raiden: Argh!
Liquid: I'm sorry Raiden, let me try again, that cobra obviously doesn't speak English, I'll try German... Cobra, beißen nicht Raiden! Beißen Sie nicht Raiden!
Raiden: (he and the cobra exchange puzzled glances)
Liquid: Damn, would you like me to try in Spanish?
Raiden: I don't care! I have cobra venom swimming in my neck!
(Campbell gets up)
Campbell: Maybe you need someone to suck it out. (walks over to Raiden)
Raiden: HELP ME JESUS!
Jesus: No favours for you! One year!
(cut to playpen)
Olga: What did you bring, Raiden?
Raiden: I brought... uh... three potatos, a bucketfull of pelicans, and... oh yeah, Satan. (camera pans over to Satan standing next to Raiden, in all his evil glory)
Chibs: Holy Jesus band wagon.
Satan: Die! (cuts off Chibs head with tail)
(move over to Pablosky in Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff)
Pablosky: I brought Knight Rider, with Turbo Boost!
David: Uh, Gary Coleman? The Turbo Boost isn't working.
Pablosky: (lowers eyebrows and crosses arms) What choo talkin' 'bout, David Hasselhoff?
Satan: I brought a snowglobe!
Shade: Thats enough of this.
Narrator: But not all of it was... stupid. Some of it was... stupider.
(cut to Rose reading her script, while Campbell looks at pictures of Raiden)
Campbell: Mmm, Raiden...
Rosemary: (reading off script) As long as you have a shower as soon as you come back! (puts script down) That stinks.
Snake: I think I stink more! I haven't had a shower since I last pleasured a woman!
Campbell: Then you have never had a clean body.
Snake: What do you mean? I've pleasured plenty of women!
Campbell: Not according to our cuckoo clock!
Rosemary: Listen to it, it's about to be 2 o'clock.
(cuckoo clock goes off- a little Snake pops out)
Cuckoo-Snake: (in high-pitched voice) I've never pleasured a woman! I've never pleasured a woman!
Robot From Lost In Space: Ho ho ho! Cuckoo clock, you've still got it!
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)
Otacon: (gets up and dances) Everybody dance now! Bomp! Bomp bomp bomp bomp!
(silence)
Solidus: Were you bumped on the head as a child?
Otacon: Yes.
Solidus: Were you bumped on the head by the PATRIOTS as a child?
Otacon: Heh heh heh... (pulls out shotgun) Don't make me shoot you, Solidus.
(phone rings- Snake answers)
Snake: Hellooo?
Mysterious Voice: Hello, Neo. I need to talk to you about... The Matrix.
Snake: Oh, sorry, my names not Neo. Bye! (hangs up)
Fatman: I like cake!
Vamp: I like men.
(phone rings again, Snake answers)
Snake: Mmmyeeeeesss?
Mysterious Voice: Please, Neo, I need to talk to you about... The Matrix.
Snake: Look, my name is not Neo, so... go away. (hangs up)
Ocelot: I like to shoot things.
Meryl: I like Chinese food...
(phone rings- Snake answers)
Snake: WHAT?!
Sexy Voice: Hey there hot stuff. You wanna do some stuff for me?
Snake: Oh yeah...
Sexy Voice: Ok, take off your pants...
Snake: (takes off pants) Uh huh!
Sexy Voice: Now let me tell you about...
(Sexy Voice changes into Mysterious Voice)
Mysterious Voice: ...The Matrix.
Snake: WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!
Mysterious Voice: Ok, Neo, we can talk of... other things.
Snake: Like...?
Mysterious Voice: Like... uh... Sports. Cars. Chicks... The Matrix.
Snake: FUCK OFF! (hangs up and pulls phone out of wall)
Narrator: But not everything was a Matrix rip-off. Some was about... Pulp-Fiction.
(cut to Campbell and Rosemary sitting in a cheap diner)
Campbell: (eating a burger) You know what makes Raiden different from other guys?
Rosemary: (sighs) Example.
Campbell: It's the little differences. Like one time, I tried to flirt with him, and he just ran away.
Rosemary: And thats different because...? (Codec rings) Goody!
(Campbell turns on codec- Raiden is there)
Campbell: What is it, Raiden?
Raiden: I can't locate the final bomb.
Campbell: Oh... THAT bomb. Check your ass.
Raiden and Rosemary: WHAT?!
Campbell: I kinda shoved that bomb up your ass while I was dressing you for your mission.
Raiden and Rosemary: EWWWWW!!!
Campbell: I know, but I found it... erotic.
Raiden: Oh Jesus, I'm going to the toilet... (hangs up)
Rosemary: (laughs) That was a good joke about the bomb.
Campbell: Joke?
(silence)
Rosemary: I'm going to hurl.
(cut to everyone but Rosemary and Campbell)
Solidus: That was sick.
Snake: You're very, very right.
That Robot From Lost In Space: You like having three fingers jammed up your ass every night.
Emma: Man, Snake, you suck!
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!
Liquid: Genetic experiments!
Ocelot: Stop saying that!
Liquid: Oh, I'm sorry... Genetic experiments!
(Agent Smith runs in and aims his Desert Eagle at Liquid)
Agent Smith: Greetings Mr. Anderson.
Otacon: More Matrix parodys?
Agent Smith: Quiet you!
Snake: Let me handle this. (pulls out two M4s and holds one in each hand) Get it on, fiznuck.
(slow motion mode begins- Agent Smith fires pistol calmly, Snake goes insane with the M4s while jumping back into the air)
Ocelot: (speaking in slow motion) Tttthhhhiiiissss iiiissss ssssttttuuuuppppiiiidddd...............
Narrator: Bbbbuuuutttt (slow motion ends) not all of it was about Matrix parodys. Some was about budget cuts.
(cut to Raiden and Campbell; Campbell carries a box)
Campbell: This is the equipment you'll have for your mission. (opens box- inside is a kazoo)
Raiden: A kazoo? You expect me to take on hundreds of terrorists... WITH A KAZOO?!
Campbell: Well, FOXHOUND has had to make some budget cuts.
Raiden: And...?
Campbell: It was either provide you with the best armour and weapons the military can offer...
Raiden: Or...?
Campbell: Or... I got unlimited access to your underwear.
Raiden: How does that equal top class weaponry?
Campbeel: Heh heh heh... you don't know WHAT I want to do with your underwear.
(cut to everyone but Rosemary and Campbell sitting around a table)
Fortune: (holding a pack of cards) Alright people, the game is Poker. Strip Poker. Any questions? (Emma holds up her hand) Yes Emma?
Emma: Can we not play with the Jacks?
Fortune: Why?
Emma: My father was a mechanic... he was crushed by a '76 Jack... (sobs)
Fortune: Oh, I'm sorry... Ok, we'll take out the Jacks. (takes the Jacks out of the deck) Ok, any other questions?
(Vamp puts up his hand)
Vamp: Yeah, can we not play with the s... the s... the sevens! (breaks down in tears)
Fortune: Whats wrong with sevens?
Vamp: That movie, Seven... (sobs)
Otacon: Oh, you mean the one where Gwyneth Paltrow gets her head cut off, and then it gets delivered to the guy in a box?
Vamp: (screams) That movie freaked me out!
Fortune: Ok, we won't play with the sevens
Vamp: (screams)
(Snake puts up his hand)
Snake: Yeah, can we not play with the Queens?
Fortune: What the hell is wrong with the Queens?!
Raiden: His brother.
(silence)
Fortune: Oh, Snake, I forgot. Sorry. So no Jacks, Queens, Sevens-
Vamp: (screams)
Fortune: -Anything else?!
(Fatman puts up his hand)
Fatman: I'm allergic to Spades... (Fortune takes out cards) and Diamonds-
Fortune: (throws cards away) Oh thats it, we can't play cards!
(silence)
Solidus: How about Scrabble?
(resounding cheers)
Fortune: (grabs Scrabble box) Alright, thats good, any questions?
Liquid: I have a problem with vowels- (Fortune lunges at him)
Narrator: But not all of it was about games. Some was about the Campbell and Rosemary selling out.
(cut to Campbell and Rosemary)
Campbell: Oh hi there. You might remember me, Colonel Campbell, from such fanfiction as 'The Secret Life Of Raiden' and 'My Time In The Jungle With Raiden', both of which are published on the award winning website FanFiction.Net.
Rosemary: And you might remember me, Rosemary, from such erotic fiction as 'The Secret Life Of Sexy Lesbians' and the famous 'My Time Exploring The Female Pleasure Spots', both of which have won Pulitzer Prizes.
Campbell: We're hoping that you will donate your hard earned money towards the works of Princess Serenity.
Rosemary: Specifically the complete and utter destruction of them. We wish to kill the authour in hundreds of painfull ways.
Campbell: If you donate now, you will recieve free pictures of Raiden... NAKED!
Rosemary: Or you will recieve pictures of me... NAKED!
Campbell: DONATE NOW, BEFORE I COVER ALL DA RAIDEN PICTURES WITH MY STICKY FLUIDS!!!
Narrator: That was stupid. But now what you all came here to see... HARDCORE NUDITY!
(cut to everyone... naked)
Raiden: Doo doo doo... Hey Snake, looking good!
(Snake is looking at Fortune and masturbating)
Raiden: Hey there gorilla... (keeps walking) Having some hot lesbian action, eh Olga?
(Olga, Rosemary and Meryl are having a three way while all the males watch and masturbate, except Campbell, who is following Raiden and masturbating)
Raiden: (suddenly turns around and looks at the gorilla)
Gorilla: That was one of the longest double takes I've ever seen.
Raiden: Oh, cool. So... are you still going to eat me?
Gorilla: Hmmm... Yes.
Narrator: And that wraps it up for this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we delve deeper and deeper into the bowels of El Diablo. Join us next time as we find out how everyone felt... about Olga and Ocelot. Here's a sneak peek.
(cut to Snake)
Snake: Yeah, me and Olga had a thing. Well, we kinda had a thing. Ok, ok, I got Otacon to set up cameras in her dressing room for my own personal pleasure. But that was some damn good erotica, you know what I'm saying?
Narrator: That's next time on Behind The Game.
Part Six
Narrator: Tonight, on Behind The Game, we showcase the two of the main characters of the story- Colonel Campbell, and of course, Rosemary. These two were the basis of much of the story, and other yummy goodness.
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)
Snake: Man, that Rosemary chick was hot. I'd like her on my meat, if you catch my drift? Eh, eh? Wink wink nudge nudge, (nudges Raiden in the chest with his elbow) Know what I mean? Know what I mean?
Raiden: I'm gay.
Snake: Oh... yeah. Sorry.
Solidus: Remember that one time, when I walked into Rosemarys room, and she was in a 13-way orgy... WITH THE PATRIOTS?! I loved her so! DAMN!
Ocelot: Calm down, Boss...
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS! DAMN THEM ALL TO THEIR PATRIARCHAL HELL!
Vamp: Does anyone mind if I kill him?
Hideo Kojima: Yes. Yes I do.
Vamp: Damn Japanese game designers...
Narrator: But not all of it was about Solidus and his insanity. Some was about... late night talk shows.
(cut to Conan O'Brian at his desk)
Conan: My next guest is in the upcoming game, Metal Gear SOlid 2: Sons Of Liberty. Lets welcome ROSEMARY!
(Rosemary walks on in a sexy dress- audience makes wolf howls and appluads)
Rose: Hi Conan!
Conan: Hellooo, (makes cat noise) How are you today?
Rose: I'm good actually!
Conan: Very good. Now, lets start off this interview. Rosemary, you're sexy, cute, spunky and very good in bed, or so I've been told.
Rose: Aww, shucks. (smiles and blushes)
Conan: And you keep your beautiful skin and body even after working with Solid Snake! Rosemary, what is your secret?
Rose: I'm a lesbian.
(silence)
Conan: Didn't expect that coming.
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)
Ocelot: My real name is Sheldon.
Frodo: Not now, Sam! I mean, Revolver!
(Ocelot shoots Frodo in the head)
Emma: Didn't Campbell have a sick love for Raiden? (looks around for Raiden) Where is he?
Otacon: In the playpen. With all the reviewers.
Shade: MWAHAHAHAHA!
(cut to Olga, Liquid, Raiden, Blackraven, Battleshield, Pablosky, Kat, Chibs, Naemi and sephiroth-02-01 playing in a playpen)
Pablosky: (puts pants on head) I dress myself!
Liquid: (playing with Metal Gear dolls with Battleshield) I attack with missiles! Twio, twio!
Battleshield: Uh, I counter with machine guns! Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!
Liquid: (Tears well up in his eyes) I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU ANYMORE!
(move on to Naemi, Raiden, Kat, Blackraven and sephiroth-02-01 playing Spin-The-Bottle)
Blackraven: (spins the bottle) Ok, Raiden has to kiss... (spins bottle again) sephiroth! Hee hee hee!
Raiden: YAY!
Naemi and Kat: (pointing at sephiroth and chanting) You have to kiss a boy! You have to kiss a boy!
sephiroth-02-01: Eww! (turns and shrugs at Raiden)
Raiden: (grins and then kisses sephiroth) Mmm...
Olga: Enough of that! It's time for Show-And-Tell!
Narrator: We'll get back to that later. Now then, onto Campbells sick fetishes....
(cut to Raiden walking around on the set)
Raiden: Man, I need a nap... (walks over to his dressing room) Ah, here we go... (enters room, closes door behind him)
Campbell: Hi there big boy.
Raiden: (turns around and sees' Campbell on his bed, wearing nothing but a thong) Sweet Jesus, NO!
Campbell: (strokes crotch erotically) Oh yeah, cutie. Come over here and let me tenderise your 'pork sword'.
Raiden: No, Jesus, NO!
Campbell: Oh yeah, sexy.
Raiden: (tries to open door but finds it locked from the other side) Oh shit.
Campbell: You've been a very naughty boy, Raiden. (pulls out whip and ball-gag) You're going to have to be punished.
Raiden: HELP ME JESUS!
(Suddenly, a white light fills the room and Jesus appears before them)
Campbell: Uh oh.
Jesus: DIE! (holds up hand and Campbell falls down to the ground dead)
Raiden: Wow, thanks!
Jesus: Don't mention it.
Raiden: So... uh... seeing as you're Jesus and all, could you grant me a wish or something?
Jesus: What the fuck? You think I'm a fucking genie or something?
Raiden: Well, no...
Jesus: I died on the cross for your sins, and I just saved you from that sick bastard! What have you even done for me?!
Raiden: Umm, nothing, I suppose...
Jesus: Die by the evil cobra of Heaven! (hold out hand, and a cobra appears) See ya! (disappears)
Raiden: (notices cobra is about to bite his neck) Ah crap.
(Liquid bursts in)
Liquid: Wait! I can talk to snakes! Let me handle this... (waves hands at the cobra) Cobra, do not bite Raiden! Do not bite Raiden!
(cobra bites Raiden)
Raiden: Argh!
Liquid: I'm sorry Raiden, let me try again, that cobra obviously doesn't speak English, I'll try German... Cobra, beißen nicht Raiden! Beißen Sie nicht Raiden!
Raiden: (he and the cobra exchange puzzled glances)
Liquid: Damn, would you like me to try in Spanish?
Raiden: I don't care! I have cobra venom swimming in my neck!
(Campbell gets up)
Campbell: Maybe you need someone to suck it out. (walks over to Raiden)
Raiden: HELP ME JESUS!
Jesus: No favours for you! One year!
(cut to playpen)
Olga: What did you bring, Raiden?
Raiden: I brought... uh... three potatos, a bucketfull of pelicans, and... oh yeah, Satan. (camera pans over to Satan standing next to Raiden, in all his evil glory)
Chibs: Holy Jesus band wagon.
Satan: Die! (cuts off Chibs head with tail)
(move over to Pablosky in Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff)
Pablosky: I brought Knight Rider, with Turbo Boost!
David: Uh, Gary Coleman? The Turbo Boost isn't working.
Pablosky: (lowers eyebrows and crosses arms) What choo talkin' 'bout, David Hasselhoff?
Satan: I brought a snowglobe!
Shade: Thats enough of this.
Narrator: But not all of it was... stupid. Some of it was... stupider.
(cut to Rose reading her script, while Campbell looks at pictures of Raiden)
Campbell: Mmm, Raiden...
Rosemary: (reading off script) As long as you have a shower as soon as you come back! (puts script down) That stinks.
Snake: I think I stink more! I haven't had a shower since I last pleasured a woman!
Campbell: Then you have never had a clean body.
Snake: What do you mean? I've pleasured plenty of women!
Campbell: Not according to our cuckoo clock!
Rosemary: Listen to it, it's about to be 2 o'clock.
(cuckoo clock goes off- a little Snake pops out)
Cuckoo-Snake: (in high-pitched voice) I've never pleasured a woman! I've never pleasured a woman!
Robot From Lost In Space: Ho ho ho! Cuckoo clock, you've still got it!
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!
(cut to everyone but Campbell and Rose)
Otacon: (gets up and dances) Everybody dance now! Bomp! Bomp bomp bomp bomp!
(silence)
Solidus: Were you bumped on the head as a child?
Otacon: Yes.
Solidus: Were you bumped on the head by the PATRIOTS as a child?
Otacon: Heh heh heh... (pulls out shotgun) Don't make me shoot you, Solidus.
(phone rings- Snake answers)
Snake: Hellooo?
Mysterious Voice: Hello, Neo. I need to talk to you about... The Matrix.
Snake: Oh, sorry, my names not Neo. Bye! (hangs up)
Fatman: I like cake!
Vamp: I like men.
(phone rings again, Snake answers)
Snake: Mmmyeeeeesss?
Mysterious Voice: Please, Neo, I need to talk to you about... The Matrix.
Snake: Look, my name is not Neo, so... go away. (hangs up)
Ocelot: I like to shoot things.
Meryl: I like Chinese food...
(phone rings- Snake answers)
Snake: WHAT?!
Sexy Voice: Hey there hot stuff. You wanna do some stuff for me?
Snake: Oh yeah...
Sexy Voice: Ok, take off your pants...
Snake: (takes off pants) Uh huh!
Sexy Voice: Now let me tell you about...
(Sexy Voice changes into Mysterious Voice)
Mysterious Voice: ...The Matrix.
Snake: WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!
Mysterious Voice: Ok, Neo, we can talk of... other things.
Snake: Like...?
Mysterious Voice: Like... uh... Sports. Cars. Chicks... The Matrix.
Snake: FUCK OFF! (hangs up and pulls phone out of wall)
Narrator: But not everything was a Matrix rip-off. Some was about... Pulp-Fiction.
(cut to Campbell and Rosemary sitting in a cheap diner)
Campbell: (eating a burger) You know what makes Raiden different from other guys?
Rosemary: (sighs) Example.
Campbell: It's the little differences. Like one time, I tried to flirt with him, and he just ran away.
Rosemary: And thats different because...? (Codec rings) Goody!
(Campbell turns on codec- Raiden is there)
Campbell: What is it, Raiden?
Raiden: I can't locate the final bomb.
Campbell: Oh... THAT bomb. Check your ass.
Raiden and Rosemary: WHAT?!
Campbell: I kinda shoved that bomb up your ass while I was dressing you for your mission.
Raiden and Rosemary: EWWWWW!!!
Campbell: I know, but I found it... erotic.
Raiden: Oh Jesus, I'm going to the toilet... (hangs up)
Rosemary: (laughs) That was a good joke about the bomb.
Campbell: Joke?
(silence)
Rosemary: I'm going to hurl.
(cut to everyone but Rosemary and Campbell)
Solidus: That was sick.
Snake: You're very, very right.
That Robot From Lost In Space: You like having three fingers jammed up your ass every night.
Emma: Man, Snake, you suck!
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!
Liquid: Genetic experiments!
Ocelot: Stop saying that!
Liquid: Oh, I'm sorry... Genetic experiments!
(Agent Smith runs in and aims his Desert Eagle at Liquid)
Agent Smith: Greetings Mr. Anderson.
Otacon: More Matrix parodys?
Agent Smith: Quiet you!
Snake: Let me handle this. (pulls out two M4s and holds one in each hand) Get it on, fiznuck.
(slow motion mode begins- Agent Smith fires pistol calmly, Snake goes insane with the M4s while jumping back into the air)
Ocelot: (speaking in slow motion) Tttthhhhiiiissss iiiissss ssssttttuuuuppppiiiidddd...............
Narrator: Bbbbuuuutttt (slow motion ends) not all of it was about Matrix parodys. Some was about budget cuts.
(cut to Raiden and Campbell; Campbell carries a box)
Campbell: This is the equipment you'll have for your mission. (opens box- inside is a kazoo)
Raiden: A kazoo? You expect me to take on hundreds of terrorists... WITH A KAZOO?!
Campbell: Well, FOXHOUND has had to make some budget cuts.
Raiden: And...?
Campbell: It was either provide you with the best armour and weapons the military can offer...
Raiden: Or...?
Campbell: Or... I got unlimited access to your underwear.
Raiden: How does that equal top class weaponry?
Campbeel: Heh heh heh... you don't know WHAT I want to do with your underwear.
(cut to everyone but Rosemary and Campbell sitting around a table)
Fortune: (holding a pack of cards) Alright people, the game is Poker. Strip Poker. Any questions? (Emma holds up her hand) Yes Emma?
Emma: Can we not play with the Jacks?
Fortune: Why?
Emma: My father was a mechanic... he was crushed by a '76 Jack... (sobs)
Fortune: Oh, I'm sorry... Ok, we'll take out the Jacks. (takes the Jacks out of the deck) Ok, any other questions?
(Vamp puts up his hand)
Vamp: Yeah, can we not play with the s... the s... the sevens! (breaks down in tears)
Fortune: Whats wrong with sevens?
Vamp: That movie, Seven... (sobs)
Otacon: Oh, you mean the one where Gwyneth Paltrow gets her head cut off, and then it gets delivered to the guy in a box?
Vamp: (screams) That movie freaked me out!
Fortune: Ok, we won't play with the sevens
Vamp: (screams)
(Snake puts up his hand)
Snake: Yeah, can we not play with the Queens?
Fortune: What the hell is wrong with the Queens?!
Raiden: His brother.
(silence)
Fortune: Oh, Snake, I forgot. Sorry. So no Jacks, Queens, Sevens-
Vamp: (screams)
Fortune: -Anything else?!
(Fatman puts up his hand)
Fatman: I'm allergic to Spades... (Fortune takes out cards) and Diamonds-
Fortune: (throws cards away) Oh thats it, we can't play cards!
(silence)
Solidus: How about Scrabble?
(resounding cheers)
Fortune: (grabs Scrabble box) Alright, thats good, any questions?
Liquid: I have a problem with vowels- (Fortune lunges at him)
Narrator: But not all of it was about games. Some was about the Campbell and Rosemary selling out.
(cut to Campbell and Rosemary)
Campbell: Oh hi there. You might remember me, Colonel Campbell, from such fanfiction as 'The Secret Life Of Raiden' and 'My Time In The Jungle With Raiden', both of which are published on the award winning website FanFiction.Net.
Rosemary: And you might remember me, Rosemary, from such erotic fiction as 'The Secret Life Of Sexy Lesbians' and the famous 'My Time Exploring The Female Pleasure Spots', both of which have won Pulitzer Prizes.
Campbell: We're hoping that you will donate your hard earned money towards the works of Princess Serenity.
Rosemary: Specifically the complete and utter destruction of them. We wish to kill the authour in hundreds of painfull ways.
Campbell: If you donate now, you will recieve free pictures of Raiden... NAKED!
Rosemary: Or you will recieve pictures of me... NAKED!
Campbell: DONATE NOW, BEFORE I COVER ALL DA RAIDEN PICTURES WITH MY STICKY FLUIDS!!!
Narrator: That was stupid. But now what you all came here to see... HARDCORE NUDITY!
(cut to everyone... naked)
Raiden: Doo doo doo... Hey Snake, looking good!
(Snake is looking at Fortune and masturbating)
Raiden: Hey there gorilla... (keeps walking) Having some hot lesbian action, eh Olga?
(Olga, Rosemary and Meryl are having a three way while all the males watch and masturbate, except Campbell, who is following Raiden and masturbating)
Raiden: (suddenly turns around and looks at the gorilla)
Gorilla: That was one of the longest double takes I've ever seen.
Raiden: Oh, cool. So... are you still going to eat me?
Gorilla: Hmmm... Yes.
Narrator: And that wraps it up for this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we delve deeper and deeper into the bowels of El Diablo. Join us next time as we find out how everyone felt... about Olga and Ocelot. Here's a sneak peek.
(cut to Snake)
Snake: Yeah, me and Olga had a thing. Well, we kinda had a thing. Ok, ok, I got Otacon to set up cameras in her dressing room for my own personal pleasure. But that was some damn good erotica, you know what I'm saying?
Narrator: That's next time on Behind The Game.