Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
Part Seven
Narrator: Welcome to yet another episode of Behind The Game. Today we show you how people felt about those Russians, Olga and Ocelot. But before we find out how people felt about them, here are some secrets they have told anyone before.
(cut to Ocelot drinking whiskey in an interrogation room)
Ocelot: My real name isn't Revolver Ocelot. It's Revolana Ocelotawitz. Thats right, I'm a female Puerto Rican Jew.
(he walks around the room, then turns back to the camera)
Ocelot: It's true, Dr.Dre isn't a real doctor. I just wish he had told me that before he removed my pancreas.
(walks around room again, then turns to camera)
Ocelot: I'm impotent. Wait, wait, I don't want anyone to know that!
Narrator: Stupendous. Now here are Olgas secrets.
(cut to Olga smoking in interrogation room)
Olga: You'd never know it by the game but I haven't taken a shower in seven years. I smell like an old dumpster. Take it or leave it boys.
(takes a puff of the cigarette then looks at camera again)
Olga: I'm very superstitious. Every time I start a new game, I always kill a hobo with a hammer.
(throws cigarette away, then looks back at camera)
Olga: People sometimes ask me if I'm as bitchy in real life as I am in the game. I say, 'Hey, what if life is a game?'. While they're thinking about that I yell out 'GAME OVER!' then run away.
Narrator: Fantastic. Now lets find out what everyone thinks about them.
(cut to everyone but Ocelot and Olga)
Solidus: I remember Ocelot...
Emma: Because you liked him?
Raiden: Because you hated him?
Solidus: Because he is working for the PATRIOTS!!! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
Fortune: Had to get him started again, huh.
Solidus: DAMN THEM TO THEIR PATRIACHAL HELL!!!
Otacon: Hey Snake, remember how you, me, Ocelot and Olga lived together?
Shade: Warning, the following skit is very long. You have been warned.
(cut to Ocelot waking up in a bed- he turns and notices Olga beside him)
Ocelot: Umm, Olga?
(Snake walks in)
Snake: Is that Olga?
Ocelot: Yes.
Snake: (looks at Olga, then Ocelot. Repeat) Ohhhh, I getcha. (winks)
Ocelot: I did not fuck Olga. (looks at Olga) She looks dead.
Snake: You murdered Olga! (walks over to Olga and touches her breast)
Ocelot: You are not interfering with the dead!
Snake: But it seems a shame to waste-
Ocelot: NO!
Snake: Fine, but I'll see you in court!
(cut to Ocelot behind a bench; Snake is on a podium with a gavel and is wearing a wig)
Snake: Order, order! The People vs Revolver Ocelot trial has begun!
Ocelot: Can we go one day without me being held in trial for murder?!
Snake: Quiet! Step to the witness stand!
(Ocelot steps behind the witness stand)
Ocelot: Don't I have the rights to a lawyer?!
Snake: Oh yeah. Well, we prepared one for you.
Ocelot: Well, at least this day can't get any worse.
(Otacon walks in wearing a tie)
Ocelot: Shit!
Otacon: Never fear, I have the perfect plan to get you out of this mess!
Ocelot: Really? What is it?
Otacon: Well, we plead guilty, and hope the jury doesn't punish you much.
Ocelot: Did you take into consideration what we do when I'm innocent?!
Otacon: (stares into space for a moment) Shit!
(Snake bangs his gavel)
Snake: Defence, bring your first witness!
Otacon: Judge, I bring to the stand... REVOLVER OCELOT!
Ocelot: Question away.
Otacon: Ocelot, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, where were you on the morning of Friday the 30th of May?! If you will, tell the court your side of the story, even though it will be riddled with LIES!
Ocelot: You're supposed to be defending me!
Otacon: Oh, sorry.
Otacon: Well, it all started one Friday morning...
(fade into flashback- Ocelot is sitting next to Olga on his bed)
Ocelot: Umm, Olga?
Olga: Yes?
Ocelot: Why are you on my bed?
Olga: Because Snake, while I was out, went into my room and jerked off, covering my bed with his juices.
Ocelot: Eww.
Olga: Exactly. And you being the kind, sweet- (moving his hand down his chest)
Ocelot: NO!
Olga: (hand is now over Ocelots crotch, a knife slides down her arm and into her hand) And also the fact that my knife is over what is currently your left testicle...
Ocelot: I see your point. You may stay with me.
Olga: Good, now I'm going to get my things. (walks out of room- Snake walks in)
Snake: Hey Ocelot.
Ocelot: Bugger off!
Snake: What did I do this time?!
Ocelot: You ejaculated over Olgas bed, thats what!
Snake: Oh, that. Well, those sheets needed a clean anyway.
(fade out of flashback)
Otacon: I see, thats YOUR side of the story. The defence rests.
Snake: Prosecution.
(camera turns from Snake to reveal... Snake, wearing a tie)
Lawyer Snake: Thank you, your honor.
Judge Snake: Don't mention it.
Revolver Ocelot: Wait, how can you be the prosecution AND the judge?!
Lawyer Snake: Your honor, I find inappropriate the defendants outbursts.
Judge Snake: Good point. (turns to Ocelot and holds up gavel) You shutup now, or jam this gavel up your arse.
Ocelot: Ok.
Lawyer Ocelot: Now, let me tell you the truth about what happened that morning...
(fade into flashback- Ocelot is holding a large knife, Olga is pinned on the bed)
Ocelot: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!
Olga: Oh please sir, don't kill me. I had to retreat here after the barbarian hordes invaded my own bedroom, then the brave one known as Snake helped me into here, and he is currently holding them off from invading this room. I am weak and tired, and surely you would not be petty enough to hurt me.
Ocelot: (thinks for a moment) Hmm... NO! (dives onto Olga and starts stabbing her to death)
(fade out of flashback)
Ocelot: Hold on, Olga had no stab marks on her!
Lawyer Snake: The prosecution calls... OTACON!
(Otacon and Ocelot switch places)
Lawyer Snake: Otacon, tell me who you think killed Olga.
Otacon: Well, I-
Lawyer Snake: MAY I REMIND YOU YOU ARE UNDER OATH?!
Otacon: He did it! He did it! I saw the murderous glint in his eyes! But please protect me! I don't want to be next!
Ocelot: Aren't you defending me?
Otacon: (thinks for a moment) Shit! Sorry!
Judge Snake: Jury, make your decision.
(camera pans to Otacon at the jury stand. Behind it is Otacon)
Ocelot (OC): You're the jury too?!
Otacon: Uh huh. Don't worry, we have this one in the bag.
Judge Snake: Jury, your verdict.
Otacon: I find the defendant... GUILTY!!!
Ocelot: WHAT?!?!
Otacon: Sorry, but I had to judge this case on its morals... (holds up attache case with $100 notes poking out of seal) And this huge amount of money Snake gave me!
Judge Snake: I hereby sentance the defendant to death by hanging. (bangs gavel)
(cut to Snake and Otacon at the kitchen table; Ocelots feet are seen swinging in mid-air)
Otacon: (reading postcard) Hey, I just got a postcard from Olga.
Snake: Oh, really?
Otacon: Yes, it says she has gone to California for a while, to get treatment for a rare disease she has.
Snake: Huh.
Otacon: Yes, the disease makes her pass out occasionally, making her appear to be dead!
Snake: Hmm.
Otacon: So, it looks like Ocelot was innocent.
Snake: Yep.
Otacon: So... should we cut him down?
Ocelot: (makes gargling noises)
Snake: After lunch.
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Vamp: Ha ha ha... hi-larious.
Solidus: Now that seemed silly.
Emma: You're silly.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
Fortune: Can you stop damning the Patriots for 10 minutes?!
Solidus: Hmm... no.
Narrator: But not everything was about ridiculously long sketches. Some was about... ridiculously short sketches.
(cut to Ocelot standing in front of 500 monkeys, all of which are typing on typewriters)
Ocelot: Ah, monkeys. Soon they shall have written me the best novel in history! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(he walks up to one monkey)
Ocelot: Lets see what you've written... (pulls the paper out of the typewriter and reads it aloud) 'It was the best of times, it was the BLURST OF TIMES?!' Idiot! (smacks monkey over the head)
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Solidus: That was far to short, right? What did you think, Incredible Sulk?
(a purple Incredible Hulk runs on)
Incredible Sulk: SULK ANGRY!!!
Shade: I didn't think it was THAT bad...
Incredible Sulk: SULK CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGHT! IF SULK WIN, YOU GO AWAY AND NEVER WRITE AGAIN! IF SULK LOSES, SULK LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND LISTEN TO OLD CURE ALBUMS!
Shade: Now THAT I admit was very silly.
Emma: You got that right.
(a Native American walks in)
Native American: We at the reserve called Olga, 'Bear With Wide Canyon'.
Solidus: And that means...?
Native American: It means that she was a slut.
Narrator: But not all of it was about stupid jokes that have nothing to do with this fic. Some was about... the Vietnam War.
(cut to Ocelot and Olga in the middle of a jungle- each carries an M16)
Olga: Where the hell are we?
Ocelot: Didn't you just read the above description? We're in the middle of a jungle! And we're surrounded.
Olga: Surrounded? By who?
Ocelot: By them. The Charlies. The Viet-Cong.
Olga: Where are they?
Ocelot: That's the problem. You can't see them. They're the invisible enemy.
Olga: So how do we find them?
Ocelot: Well, where CAN'T you see them?
Olga: Umm... (looks around) I can't see them over there. Or there. And come to think of it (turns around) I can't see them there either.
Ocelot: You know what this means.
Olga: What?
Ocelot: We're surrounded.
Olga: So, what do we do now?
Ocelot: How about we spend our last few moments alive exploring every part of the Kama Sutra?
Olga: Alright then.
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Snake: Now that was insane.
Emma: Uh huh.
(Snake stares at the Robot)
Snake: Gonna crack a joke at me, Robot?
Robot: No.
Snake: Really? Why not?
Robot: Normally I would, but I don't wanna overload your lil' pea brain mind.
(everyone laughs)
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Vietnam War, which was all because of the paranioa of the American government over the issue of Communism, which completely goes against the American Capitalist ideal. Some was about game shows.
(cut to a stage- seen are Olga, Ocelot, Snake and Otacon)
Host: Welcome to 'Truth or Date!' I'm your host, Rooty McRoot! Today our lovely questioneer is... Olga! And I don't know her last name!
[Shades Note: If you send me an e-mail OR (preferably) leave a review telling me where I got the inspiration for this next skit, you win a special prize. And no, it's not a Sega Dreamcast.]
Olga: Hi Rooty McRoot!
Host: And our male bachelors are... (Ocelot waves) Contestant No.1 is Revolver Ocelot, he has a degree in sharp shooting! Say hi Ocelot!
Ocelot: The name's Shalashaska.
Host: Ok, our next guest is... (Snake nods upwards) Contestant No.2 is Solid Snake, he has a degree in killing people, and he says he loves children. Because they taste like chicken.
Snake: Yeah, whatever.
Host: And Contestent No.3 is Otacon, he loves Italian cuisine and is studying for a degree in Family Curses! Say hi!
Otacon: Hi. (pushes glasses up his nose)
Host: Ok Olga, begin the questions!
Olga: Ok. Contestant No.1, if you and me were going to a movie, what type of movie would you show me?
Ocelot: Well... I would take you to a movie which had plenty of shooting in it. Such as Red Sun, or any other spaghetti western.
Olga: O..............K. Contestent No.2-
Snake: Can you call me the second contestent 'cause Contesent No.2 sounds so formal.
Olga: O............K. Second Contestant-
Snake: That sounds so much better!
Olga: Yeah, so if you and I were making whoopee-
Snake: What the hell is whoopee?
Olga: Umm... you know, if we were having an intimate moment-
Snake: What, like f*cking?
(Audience gasps)
Olga: Umm... yes. Well, if we were... you know... what noises would you make?
Snake: (thinks) Woof woof woof OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (aka a wolf call) Nah, that question is just to
personal.
(audience is laughing)
Olga: Ok, Contestant No.3, if we went on a date, where would you take me?
Otacon: Well, to start off I would pick you up, and we would walk to a nearby Italian restraunt where we would chat and share a big plate of spaggetti, and finally we would walk on the beach and drink some fine wine.
Snake: Bull-f*cking-sh*t!
(audience gasps)
Snake: Oh come on. (in a mocking Otacon voice) I would get some fine wine...
Olga: Ok... Contestant No.1, have you ever hurt someone close to you?
Ocelot: Maybe you have when you went on this show without even telling your boyfriend. Maybe he has feelings too!
Olga: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Contestant No.3, do you love animals?
Otacon: Why yes, yes I do-
Snake: Hey, when are you going to stop talking to gay boy over here and ask me a question?!?
Otacon: I'm not gay!
Snake: Oh, so you're a gay basher now. You make me sick.
Otacon: I don't hate gays!
Snake: So now you're gay!
Otacon: Yes- I mean no!
Snake: You either love 'em or ya bash 'em!
Otacon: I love them- no wait...
Snake: Dipsh*t.
Olga: Ok, second contestant, if you took me on a plane trip, where would you take me?
Snake: You know, that reminds me of my cousin Walt. This one time, he was on a plane, travelling to New York when suddenly one of the engines goes out. The plane starts to go into a nose dive, so he figures that hes gonna die so he whips out his dick and starts masturbating. Then everyone else sees this, realizes the same thing and everyone on the plane whips out or unzips their pants to get to their features and just do it! Then all of a sudden, (clicks his fingers) the engines snap back on and the plane lands safely. Everyone gets off the plane. No one mentions this phenomenon again.
(audience is silent)
Otacon: Well? Did he cum?
Snake: (disgusted) Jesus man, there are just some things you don't talk about on national TV! (pulls out a SOCOM) And I don't
like that!
(We watch the studio from the outside as a shot is fired and hundreds of people scream)
(cut to everyone but Ocelot and Olga)
Snake: Funnie.
Solidus: Damn the Patriots, that was funny.
Fortune: Yes! I get another line!
Sephiroth-02-01: I'm back? Yes! Now I get to discuss all the hard-hitting issues with the characters of this-
Raiden: Shutup and kiss me, you fool.
Sephiroth-02-01: Right-o then. (he and Raiden start making out)
Narrator: But not all of it was sick and twisted. Some was... sicker. And more twisted.
(cut to Snake walking into the coffee room. As he enters, he notices that in side is Ocelot wearing his shirt and womens garters. Behind a desk is Olga, who is in the same attire as Ocelot, but she's wearing a tank top. On the desk is a huge pile of money)
Olga: Ah, hello Snake.
Snake: Umm...
Ocelot: You're probably wondering why we're both standing here with no pants on, and about the huge pile of money on this desk.
Snake: Well, actually-
Olga: But I can assure you this has NOTHING to do with the Patriots.
Snake: I came here to tell you that you're next scene has been cancelled.
Ocelot: Ah.
Snake: Bye. (walks out and closes the door)
Olga: Shall we get back to it then?
Ocelot: Righty-o.
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Rose: Well, it's nearly the end of the fic. But I feel that something is missing...
Vamp: Me too...
Shade: Shit! I nearly forgot.
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Patriots.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
Narrator: Some was about... selling out.
(cut to a small girl sitting drawing at a table)
Ocelot (Voice Over): You're a sad and lonely child, aren't you?
(girl nods)
Ocelot (VO): And you feel there's something missing in your life, don't you?
(girl nods, then thinks)
Olga (VO): Then you need a McSolidus plastic toy!
(a crudely assembled toy appears in the girls hands- she smiles)
Olga (VO): When you buy a McSolidus Ecstatic Meal you will get a cheap plastic toy with limited functionality!
(a whole bunch of these toys appear on the desk- girl grins)
Ocelot (VO): A different toy will be available every day for the next three months at all Mr Snaffleburger restaurants and once you own them all you can begin collectin the next set! HOORAY!
(the girl now has several other children around her)
Olga (VO) McSolidus Ecstatic Meal toys make you happy and popular!
Small Child: We love you for your toy! Come play with us!
(the other children are replaced with the girls mother and father- the toys are now in the fathers hands and he is shaking his head)
Ocelot: Remember kids, if your parents don't want you to have these, then they're probably terrorists.
(the mother now have turbans and beards- the toys have been replaced with an AK47)
(cut to George Bush and Tony Blair)
Narrator: And now it's time for George and Tony's look on pictures of the war.
(shown is a picture of a large missile in flight)
George: See?! I told you! They have weapons that can cause destruction and terror from miles away!
Tony: Umm, George, those are what we've been launching at Baghdad. It's completly different.
Narrator: And that's it for this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we talk about Fatman and Emma. Remember the contest!
Part Seven
Narrator: Welcome to yet another episode of Behind The Game. Today we show you how people felt about those Russians, Olga and Ocelot. But before we find out how people felt about them, here are some secrets they have told anyone before.
(cut to Ocelot drinking whiskey in an interrogation room)
Ocelot: My real name isn't Revolver Ocelot. It's Revolana Ocelotawitz. Thats right, I'm a female Puerto Rican Jew.
(he walks around the room, then turns back to the camera)
Ocelot: It's true, Dr.Dre isn't a real doctor. I just wish he had told me that before he removed my pancreas.
(walks around room again, then turns to camera)
Ocelot: I'm impotent. Wait, wait, I don't want anyone to know that!
Narrator: Stupendous. Now here are Olgas secrets.
(cut to Olga smoking in interrogation room)
Olga: You'd never know it by the game but I haven't taken a shower in seven years. I smell like an old dumpster. Take it or leave it boys.
(takes a puff of the cigarette then looks at camera again)
Olga: I'm very superstitious. Every time I start a new game, I always kill a hobo with a hammer.
(throws cigarette away, then looks back at camera)
Olga: People sometimes ask me if I'm as bitchy in real life as I am in the game. I say, 'Hey, what if life is a game?'. While they're thinking about that I yell out 'GAME OVER!' then run away.
Narrator: Fantastic. Now lets find out what everyone thinks about them.
(cut to everyone but Ocelot and Olga)
Solidus: I remember Ocelot...
Emma: Because you liked him?
Raiden: Because you hated him?
Solidus: Because he is working for the PATRIOTS!!! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
Fortune: Had to get him started again, huh.
Solidus: DAMN THEM TO THEIR PATRIACHAL HELL!!!
Otacon: Hey Snake, remember how you, me, Ocelot and Olga lived together?
Shade: Warning, the following skit is very long. You have been warned.
(cut to Ocelot waking up in a bed- he turns and notices Olga beside him)
Ocelot: Umm, Olga?
(Snake walks in)
Snake: Is that Olga?
Ocelot: Yes.
Snake: (looks at Olga, then Ocelot. Repeat) Ohhhh, I getcha. (winks)
Ocelot: I did not fuck Olga. (looks at Olga) She looks dead.
Snake: You murdered Olga! (walks over to Olga and touches her breast)
Ocelot: You are not interfering with the dead!
Snake: But it seems a shame to waste-
Ocelot: NO!
Snake: Fine, but I'll see you in court!
(cut to Ocelot behind a bench; Snake is on a podium with a gavel and is wearing a wig)
Snake: Order, order! The People vs Revolver Ocelot trial has begun!
Ocelot: Can we go one day without me being held in trial for murder?!
Snake: Quiet! Step to the witness stand!
(Ocelot steps behind the witness stand)
Ocelot: Don't I have the rights to a lawyer?!
Snake: Oh yeah. Well, we prepared one for you.
Ocelot: Well, at least this day can't get any worse.
(Otacon walks in wearing a tie)
Ocelot: Shit!
Otacon: Never fear, I have the perfect plan to get you out of this mess!
Ocelot: Really? What is it?
Otacon: Well, we plead guilty, and hope the jury doesn't punish you much.
Ocelot: Did you take into consideration what we do when I'm innocent?!
Otacon: (stares into space for a moment) Shit!
(Snake bangs his gavel)
Snake: Defence, bring your first witness!
Otacon: Judge, I bring to the stand... REVOLVER OCELOT!
Ocelot: Question away.
Otacon: Ocelot, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, where were you on the morning of Friday the 30th of May?! If you will, tell the court your side of the story, even though it will be riddled with LIES!
Ocelot: You're supposed to be defending me!
Otacon: Oh, sorry.
Otacon: Well, it all started one Friday morning...
(fade into flashback- Ocelot is sitting next to Olga on his bed)
Ocelot: Umm, Olga?
Olga: Yes?
Ocelot: Why are you on my bed?
Olga: Because Snake, while I was out, went into my room and jerked off, covering my bed with his juices.
Ocelot: Eww.
Olga: Exactly. And you being the kind, sweet- (moving his hand down his chest)
Ocelot: NO!
Olga: (hand is now over Ocelots crotch, a knife slides down her arm and into her hand) And also the fact that my knife is over what is currently your left testicle...
Ocelot: I see your point. You may stay with me.
Olga: Good, now I'm going to get my things. (walks out of room- Snake walks in)
Snake: Hey Ocelot.
Ocelot: Bugger off!
Snake: What did I do this time?!
Ocelot: You ejaculated over Olgas bed, thats what!
Snake: Oh, that. Well, those sheets needed a clean anyway.
(fade out of flashback)
Otacon: I see, thats YOUR side of the story. The defence rests.
Snake: Prosecution.
(camera turns from Snake to reveal... Snake, wearing a tie)
Lawyer Snake: Thank you, your honor.
Judge Snake: Don't mention it.
Revolver Ocelot: Wait, how can you be the prosecution AND the judge?!
Lawyer Snake: Your honor, I find inappropriate the defendants outbursts.
Judge Snake: Good point. (turns to Ocelot and holds up gavel) You shutup now, or jam this gavel up your arse.
Ocelot: Ok.
Lawyer Ocelot: Now, let me tell you the truth about what happened that morning...
(fade into flashback- Ocelot is holding a large knife, Olga is pinned on the bed)
Ocelot: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!
Olga: Oh please sir, don't kill me. I had to retreat here after the barbarian hordes invaded my own bedroom, then the brave one known as Snake helped me into here, and he is currently holding them off from invading this room. I am weak and tired, and surely you would not be petty enough to hurt me.
Ocelot: (thinks for a moment) Hmm... NO! (dives onto Olga and starts stabbing her to death)
(fade out of flashback)
Ocelot: Hold on, Olga had no stab marks on her!
Lawyer Snake: The prosecution calls... OTACON!
(Otacon and Ocelot switch places)
Lawyer Snake: Otacon, tell me who you think killed Olga.
Otacon: Well, I-
Lawyer Snake: MAY I REMIND YOU YOU ARE UNDER OATH?!
Otacon: He did it! He did it! I saw the murderous glint in his eyes! But please protect me! I don't want to be next!
Ocelot: Aren't you defending me?
Otacon: (thinks for a moment) Shit! Sorry!
Judge Snake: Jury, make your decision.
(camera pans to Otacon at the jury stand. Behind it is Otacon)
Ocelot (OC): You're the jury too?!
Otacon: Uh huh. Don't worry, we have this one in the bag.
Judge Snake: Jury, your verdict.
Otacon: I find the defendant... GUILTY!!!
Ocelot: WHAT?!?!
Otacon: Sorry, but I had to judge this case on its morals... (holds up attache case with $100 notes poking out of seal) And this huge amount of money Snake gave me!
Judge Snake: I hereby sentance the defendant to death by hanging. (bangs gavel)
(cut to Snake and Otacon at the kitchen table; Ocelots feet are seen swinging in mid-air)
Otacon: (reading postcard) Hey, I just got a postcard from Olga.
Snake: Oh, really?
Otacon: Yes, it says she has gone to California for a while, to get treatment for a rare disease she has.
Snake: Huh.
Otacon: Yes, the disease makes her pass out occasionally, making her appear to be dead!
Snake: Hmm.
Otacon: So, it looks like Ocelot was innocent.
Snake: Yep.
Otacon: So... should we cut him down?
Ocelot: (makes gargling noises)
Snake: After lunch.
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Vamp: Ha ha ha... hi-larious.
Solidus: Now that seemed silly.
Emma: You're silly.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
Fortune: Can you stop damning the Patriots for 10 minutes?!
Solidus: Hmm... no.
Narrator: But not everything was about ridiculously long sketches. Some was about... ridiculously short sketches.
(cut to Ocelot standing in front of 500 monkeys, all of which are typing on typewriters)
Ocelot: Ah, monkeys. Soon they shall have written me the best novel in history! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(he walks up to one monkey)
Ocelot: Lets see what you've written... (pulls the paper out of the typewriter and reads it aloud) 'It was the best of times, it was the BLURST OF TIMES?!' Idiot! (smacks monkey over the head)
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Solidus: That was far to short, right? What did you think, Incredible Sulk?
(a purple Incredible Hulk runs on)
Incredible Sulk: SULK ANGRY!!!
Shade: I didn't think it was THAT bad...
Incredible Sulk: SULK CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGHT! IF SULK WIN, YOU GO AWAY AND NEVER WRITE AGAIN! IF SULK LOSES, SULK LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND LISTEN TO OLD CURE ALBUMS!
Shade: Now THAT I admit was very silly.
Emma: You got that right.
(a Native American walks in)
Native American: We at the reserve called Olga, 'Bear With Wide Canyon'.
Solidus: And that means...?
Native American: It means that she was a slut.
Narrator: But not all of it was about stupid jokes that have nothing to do with this fic. Some was about... the Vietnam War.
(cut to Ocelot and Olga in the middle of a jungle- each carries an M16)
Olga: Where the hell are we?
Ocelot: Didn't you just read the above description? We're in the middle of a jungle! And we're surrounded.
Olga: Surrounded? By who?
Ocelot: By them. The Charlies. The Viet-Cong.
Olga: Where are they?
Ocelot: That's the problem. You can't see them. They're the invisible enemy.
Olga: So how do we find them?
Ocelot: Well, where CAN'T you see them?
Olga: Umm... (looks around) I can't see them over there. Or there. And come to think of it (turns around) I can't see them there either.
Ocelot: You know what this means.
Olga: What?
Ocelot: We're surrounded.
Olga: So, what do we do now?
Ocelot: How about we spend our last few moments alive exploring every part of the Kama Sutra?
Olga: Alright then.
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Snake: Now that was insane.
Emma: Uh huh.
(Snake stares at the Robot)
Snake: Gonna crack a joke at me, Robot?
Robot: No.
Snake: Really? Why not?
Robot: Normally I would, but I don't wanna overload your lil' pea brain mind.
(everyone laughs)
Snake: (raises fist at Robot) Blasted machine!
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Vietnam War, which was all because of the paranioa of the American government over the issue of Communism, which completely goes against the American Capitalist ideal. Some was about game shows.
(cut to a stage- seen are Olga, Ocelot, Snake and Otacon)
Host: Welcome to 'Truth or Date!' I'm your host, Rooty McRoot! Today our lovely questioneer is... Olga! And I don't know her last name!
[Shades Note: If you send me an e-mail OR (preferably) leave a review telling me where I got the inspiration for this next skit, you win a special prize. And no, it's not a Sega Dreamcast.]
Olga: Hi Rooty McRoot!
Host: And our male bachelors are... (Ocelot waves) Contestant No.1 is Revolver Ocelot, he has a degree in sharp shooting! Say hi Ocelot!
Ocelot: The name's Shalashaska.
Host: Ok, our next guest is... (Snake nods upwards) Contestant No.2 is Solid Snake, he has a degree in killing people, and he says he loves children. Because they taste like chicken.
Snake: Yeah, whatever.
Host: And Contestent No.3 is Otacon, he loves Italian cuisine and is studying for a degree in Family Curses! Say hi!
Otacon: Hi. (pushes glasses up his nose)
Host: Ok Olga, begin the questions!
Olga: Ok. Contestant No.1, if you and me were going to a movie, what type of movie would you show me?
Ocelot: Well... I would take you to a movie which had plenty of shooting in it. Such as Red Sun, or any other spaghetti western.
Olga: O..............K. Contestent No.2-
Snake: Can you call me the second contestent 'cause Contesent No.2 sounds so formal.
Olga: O............K. Second Contestant-
Snake: That sounds so much better!
Olga: Yeah, so if you and I were making whoopee-
Snake: What the hell is whoopee?
Olga: Umm... you know, if we were having an intimate moment-
Snake: What, like f*cking?
(Audience gasps)
Olga: Umm... yes. Well, if we were... you know... what noises would you make?
Snake: (thinks) Woof woof woof OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (aka a wolf call) Nah, that question is just to
personal.
(audience is laughing)
Olga: Ok, Contestant No.3, if we went on a date, where would you take me?
Otacon: Well, to start off I would pick you up, and we would walk to a nearby Italian restraunt where we would chat and share a big plate of spaggetti, and finally we would walk on the beach and drink some fine wine.
Snake: Bull-f*cking-sh*t!
(audience gasps)
Snake: Oh come on. (in a mocking Otacon voice) I would get some fine wine...
Olga: Ok... Contestant No.1, have you ever hurt someone close to you?
Ocelot: Maybe you have when you went on this show without even telling your boyfriend. Maybe he has feelings too!
Olga: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Contestant No.3, do you love animals?
Otacon: Why yes, yes I do-
Snake: Hey, when are you going to stop talking to gay boy over here and ask me a question?!?
Otacon: I'm not gay!
Snake: Oh, so you're a gay basher now. You make me sick.
Otacon: I don't hate gays!
Snake: So now you're gay!
Otacon: Yes- I mean no!
Snake: You either love 'em or ya bash 'em!
Otacon: I love them- no wait...
Snake: Dipsh*t.
Olga: Ok, second contestant, if you took me on a plane trip, where would you take me?
Snake: You know, that reminds me of my cousin Walt. This one time, he was on a plane, travelling to New York when suddenly one of the engines goes out. The plane starts to go into a nose dive, so he figures that hes gonna die so he whips out his dick and starts masturbating. Then everyone else sees this, realizes the same thing and everyone on the plane whips out or unzips their pants to get to their features and just do it! Then all of a sudden, (clicks his fingers) the engines snap back on and the plane lands safely. Everyone gets off the plane. No one mentions this phenomenon again.
(audience is silent)
Otacon: Well? Did he cum?
Snake: (disgusted) Jesus man, there are just some things you don't talk about on national TV! (pulls out a SOCOM) And I don't
like that!
(We watch the studio from the outside as a shot is fired and hundreds of people scream)
(cut to everyone but Ocelot and Olga)
Snake: Funnie.
Solidus: Damn the Patriots, that was funny.
Fortune: Yes! I get another line!
Sephiroth-02-01: I'm back? Yes! Now I get to discuss all the hard-hitting issues with the characters of this-
Raiden: Shutup and kiss me, you fool.
Sephiroth-02-01: Right-o then. (he and Raiden start making out)
Narrator: But not all of it was sick and twisted. Some was... sicker. And more twisted.
(cut to Snake walking into the coffee room. As he enters, he notices that in side is Ocelot wearing his shirt and womens garters. Behind a desk is Olga, who is in the same attire as Ocelot, but she's wearing a tank top. On the desk is a huge pile of money)
Olga: Ah, hello Snake.
Snake: Umm...
Ocelot: You're probably wondering why we're both standing here with no pants on, and about the huge pile of money on this desk.
Snake: Well, actually-
Olga: But I can assure you this has NOTHING to do with the Patriots.
Snake: I came here to tell you that you're next scene has been cancelled.
Ocelot: Ah.
Snake: Bye. (walks out and closes the door)
Olga: Shall we get back to it then?
Ocelot: Righty-o.
(cut to everyone but Olga and Ocelot)
Rose: Well, it's nearly the end of the fic. But I feel that something is missing...
Vamp: Me too...
Shade: Shit! I nearly forgot.
Narrator: But not all of it was about the Patriots.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
Narrator: Some was about... selling out.
(cut to a small girl sitting drawing at a table)
Ocelot (Voice Over): You're a sad and lonely child, aren't you?
(girl nods)
Ocelot (VO): And you feel there's something missing in your life, don't you?
(girl nods, then thinks)
Olga (VO): Then you need a McSolidus plastic toy!
(a crudely assembled toy appears in the girls hands- she smiles)
Olga (VO): When you buy a McSolidus Ecstatic Meal you will get a cheap plastic toy with limited functionality!
(a whole bunch of these toys appear on the desk- girl grins)
Ocelot (VO): A different toy will be available every day for the next three months at all Mr Snaffleburger restaurants and once you own them all you can begin collectin the next set! HOORAY!
(the girl now has several other children around her)
Olga (VO) McSolidus Ecstatic Meal toys make you happy and popular!
Small Child: We love you for your toy! Come play with us!
(the other children are replaced with the girls mother and father- the toys are now in the fathers hands and he is shaking his head)
Ocelot: Remember kids, if your parents don't want you to have these, then they're probably terrorists.
(the mother now have turbans and beards- the toys have been replaced with an AK47)
(cut to George Bush and Tony Blair)
Narrator: And now it's time for George and Tony's look on pictures of the war.
(shown is a picture of a large missile in flight)
George: See?! I told you! They have weapons that can cause destruction and terror from miles away!
Tony: Umm, George, those are what we've been launching at Baghdad. It's completly different.
Narrator: And that's it for this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we talk about Fatman and Emma. Remember the contest!