Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
Part 8
Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Metal Gear Solid. If I did, do you think I'd still be writing all this shit?! I'd be over in Tokyo working on MGS3! By the way, remember to purchase my new book:
'How To Rip Off TV, Movies and Flash Animation and Make It Look Original' by Shade Wolf
Narrator: Welcome to Behind The Game. This time we take a look at how everyone felt about Emma, and how everyone felt about that fat, ugly, nail-polish wearing bastard named Fatman.
(cut to everyone but Solidus, Emma and Fatman)
Otacon: Hold on, why aren't I doing this episode?! I'm Emmas brother for christsakes!
Snake: Quiet, you.
Narrator: Now then, remember how there was a contest last week?
Raiden: YES! Did I win?
Narrator: ... No. But our good friend, UK Renegade, did.
(everything goes black, and a spotlight shines on the door)
Narrator: This time is dedicated to whatever he wishes. What big questions will he ask? What big issues will he bring up? Let's welcome UK Renegade!
(door flys open, UK Renegade runs out)
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE! (flings a pie at Raiden- it splats right in his face)
Raiden: Delicous.
UK Renegade: (runs over to Fortune and squeezes her breasts) Honk honk!
Snake: Hey, I'll join in! (runs over and starts squeezing Fortunes breasts) Honk honk!
Fortune: Normally I would kill both of them.
Liquid: What's stopping you?
Fortune: Remember we all signed that contract saying that the guest could do anything he wanted?
Liquid: Oh yeah. (looks around) Where's Solidus?
Vamp: Why do you ask?
Liquid: Because right about two lines ago he would've said "Damn the Patriots!"
Meryl: Oh yeah. I sent him away.
Liquid: Why?
Meryl: Because he's crazy.
(cut to Solidus hunched in a dark corner)
Solidus: Why don't they believe in the Patriots? Are they blind? Blind as a Genome Soldier if you ask me... they all call me crazy, but I'm not crazy!
(UK Renegade walks in)
Solidus: I'm not crazy! I'll show them crazy! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT CRAZY!
(UK Renegade smacks Solidus across the face)
Solidus: (shaking head) Thanks, man. I lost control. (looks up at UK Renegade) C'mon, let's go fishing!
(UK Renegade exits)
Solidus: (talking softly to himself) You're next... (pulls out his katana) bait. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Snake: Man, I love squeezing Fortunes titties.
Meryl: Remember Emma's slumber party?
Snake: Boy, do I! I recorded the entire thing! (waves video tape around)
Raiden: Actually, I recorded over that.
Snake: WHAT?!
Raiden: Hey, I had to get a tape of Triple A.
Fortune: Ew. But, moving back, I remember that...
(cut to Emma, Fortune and Meryl sitting on the floor in nighties. Vamp is lying on the bed)
Fortune: So Emma, tell the truth! Do you have a crush on Raiden?
Emma: I'm not telling you...
Meryl: Aww, c'mon!
Fortune: Spill the beans, girl!
Emma: (blushing) Yes...
Fortune and Meryl: (giggle)
Emma: What? You all do!
Fortune: (stares dreamily into space) Oh yeah...
Meryl: Right. (turns to Vamp) So what about you, Vamp? Any secret crushes?
Vamp: Me and Liquid used to be an item. But he turned traitorous... I slit his throat and left him naked in a ditch! Now he is nothing to me. Whenever I think about it I just... (tears welling) I, I just... (starts crying)
Fortune: Aww.
Vamp: (wipes tears from eyes, and grabs a big box of choclates) Oh. whenever I get upset I eat! (starts gorging on the chocolates) Mmgrammgaw! (stops eating)
Emma: Poor Vampy.
Vamp: (puts chocolates down) I'm sorry, I lost control. (wipes nose) Say, (eyes turn evil and stares lustfilly at the girls necks) I've got an idea thats to DIE for!
Meryl: Umm, ok...
Vamp: (grabs boombox) LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Raiden: (pointing his arse in Snakes face) Does my butt look big in this?
Snake: Please get your arse outta my face before I shoot it.
Vamp: Please, bring your arse over here...
Liquid: Vamp!
Vamp: What? He means nothing to me!
Liquid: (slaps Vamp) Talk to me when you're done flirting with your boyfriend! (glares at Raiden) By the way, your butt is so huge, it rivals Fatmans. (storms out)
Vamp: (gets up) Wait, Liquid! Snuggle-bunny! (runs after Liquid)
Snake: Snuggle bunny?
Raiden: Wait, I thought I was Vamps snuggle-bunny!
Otacon: I'm your snuggle-bunny!
Raiden: Oh yeah. (pause) You know, I bet that Snakes room is empty.
Otacon: Let's go.
(Raiden and Otacon run out)
Colonel: No, wait! I brought various sex toys! (pursues Raiden)
Snake: Heh heh heh, those crazy kids. (dawns on him) Holy shit. I just cleaned my room! (runs after Otacon) OTACON!
Solidus: Wait, Snake! You didn't finish reading my report, 'The Influence On Multi-racial Social Economics Caused By The Patriots'! (runs after Snake)
(Meryls phone rings)
Meryl: (into phone) Hello? WHAT?! (starts crying) No! No... (hangs up phone)
Fortune: What?
Meryl: My favourite store has only one pair of shoes left!
Olga: Sweet Jesus, to Snakes Pimp-Mobile!
(Olga, Meryl, Sniper Wolf, Rose and Fortune run out)
Vulcan Raven: (looks around and notices that only him, Psycho Mantis and Ocelot are still there) Ugh, I'm leaving. (walks out)
Ocelot: What an oaf.
Mantis: I concur.
Ocelot: Shall we get back to it?
Mantis: ... Yes. (he and Ocelot start making out)
Narrator: Eww... I mean, not all of it was stupid and just to fill in space. Some of it was about... movie parodies.
(cut to a black screen)
Voice Over: (sounds like the standard movie voice) This summer, we bring to you a group of heros. A group who try their best to ensure that the future is safe for all humankind. And this team is...
(Snake, Liquid, Solidus, Otacon, Raiden, Emma, Fortune, Vamp, Fatman, Revolver Ocelot, UK Renegade and Sea Man)
Voice Over: The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men and Women.
(camera moves to Snake)
Voice Over: Solid Snake, with the ability to infiltrate anywhere, anytime. And say two words in the funniest way ever.
Snake: Metal Gear?!
(camera moves to Liquid)
Voice Over: Liquid Snake, with the ability to rant on about genetic experiments in a gay English accent.
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
(camera moves to Solidus)
Voice Over: Solidus Snake, with the ability to be completely paranoid about a non-existant group of people.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!
(camera moves to Otacon)
Voice Over: Hal Emmerich, with the ability to pee his pants in any confined space.
Otacon: That's a low blow, voice over.
(camera moves to Raiden)
Voice Over: Raiden, with the ability to get his ass fucked into a bleeding mess.
Raiden: Did you say nerd?
(camera moves to Emma)
Voice Over: Emma Emmerich, with the ability to fantasise about Raiden 24/7.
Emma: (masturbating) Mmm, Raiden...
(camera moves to Fortune)
Voice Over: Fortune, the token black chick.
Fortune: Yo homie, I pity the foo' what don't read Shade Wolfs fanfiction.
(camera moves to Vamp)
Voice Over: Vamp, the bisexual vampire.
Vamp: (jerking off) Mmm, Raiden...
(camera moves to Fatman)
Voice Over: Fatman, with the ability to be a fat asshole who enjoys jamming bombs up his ass.
Fatman: Laugh and grow fat.
(camera moves to Ocelot)
Voice Over: Revolver Ocelot, the token Russian traitor.
Ocelot: I'm impotent.
(camera moves to UK Renegade)
Voice Over: UK Renegade, with the abiltity to throw potato pies and squeeze Fortunes titties.
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE! (squeezes Fortunes breasts) Honk honk!
(camera moves to Sea Man)
Voice Over: And finally, with the ability to communicate with fish, Semen.
(everyone laughs)
Seaman: It's SEA MAN!
Voice Over: That's what I said, Semen.
(everyone laughs)
Voice Over: Heh heh heh... I mean... Coming soon to a theater near you. From the same guys who brought you such masterpieces as 'The Darkness Trilogy' and 'Johnny Sasaki Finally Gets Laid'.
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Snake: That was stupid.
Fortune: Keep in mind that that was probably the only original thing in this entire episode.
Snake: Now that's just sad.
Otacon: (reading the script to this episode) Hold on, another might be coming up.
Snake: I see. Is it crap?
Otacon: It has it's moments.
Raiden: And a hotplate!
(silence)
Raiden: I mean... (switches on boombox; old dance music switches on. He starts dancing like a man in one of those old black and white musicals) LOOKIT ME! I'M DANCING, CRAZY!
Meryl: That was odd.
Hideo Kojima: Hey, don't look at me. I'm not the one who smokes the wacky tobaccy.
Shade: Quiet, you.
Snake: Huh. (looks at Fortune) Darlin', if the body is a temple, then you're my new religon.
Robot: Then the first of your priestly duties is an oath of celibacy.
Fortune: Good call, robot!
Snake: (raises fist in anger) Blasted machine! (turns back to Fortune) Baby, you and me are meant to be together, like the moon and the stars.
Robot: Then move away a little, you're a couple of billion miles to close.
Fortune: That was a good one, robot!
Snake: (raises fist in anger) Blasted machine!
Robot: C'mon Snake. You can do better.
Snake: I bet you couldn't get it on with her.
Robot: Watch this. (turns to Fortune) Baby, my magical watch says that you're not wearing any panties. My bad, it's an hour to fast.
Fortune: Ooh, robot! (starts making out with the robot)
Snake: (raises fist in anger) BLASTED MACHINE!
Narrator: Man, I need that robot to give me some pointers. Anyway, not all of it was about bad pick-up lines. Some of it was about... bad sketches.
(cut to Shade standing around. Snake runs in, covered in bleeding sword wounds)
Shade: So? What did Grey Fox say?
Snake: I think he said no.
Shade: Really?!
Snake: YES REALLY! Though I'm not sure what my first clue was, but after he slashed me up he said "Only a complete nimrod would do you're asking". Then he slashed me up again.
Shade: I really had my heart set on this.
Snake: I know. But if it's any consolation, I just got 5 litres of new blood pumped into me by an emergency crew.
Shade: To bad Ocelot's still in hospital after last episodes inital sketch.
Snake: Yeah, too bad... WAIT! What about Raiden?
Shade: Well, let's ask him.
(fade out- fade in to see Shade and Snake talking to Raiden)
Shade: Ok, Raiden, you know what we want you to do?
Raiden: Yeah, sounds like fun!
Shade: Uhm... Yeah, I suppose you would think so. Anyway, we'll get out of here so you can get to it.
(Shade and Snake exit)
Raiden: Alright, here goes!
(everything goes black- suddenly, a disco ball lowers from the roof and the floor starts flashing random colours. Raiden starts disco dancing to the song 'Staying Alive')
Song: (while Raiden does the finger pointing dance)
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
since I was born.
(Raiden changes to start moonwalking and pointing fingers)
Song: And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.
(Raiden starts doing the swim)
Song: Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
(suddenly, the disco ball smashes open and several imps jump out and start attacking Raiden)
Raiden: AH! MY EYES!
Song: (now very high pitched)
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.
Aliiiiiive... alive!
(camera moves over to Shade and Snake, who are standing about a metre or two from the area with the flashing floors)
Shade: Did you put those imps in there?
Snake: Me? I thought it was you! (pause) So, uh, what was with that anyway?
Shade: Well, it would've made more sense if Grey Fox had done it.
Snake: How so?
Shade: Staying Alive? After he was crushed by Metal Gear Rex?! C'mon, it's genius!
Snake: Maybe on some other planet, but unfortunatly, this is earth.
Shade: EGADS, YOU'RE RIGHT! Quickly, to the rocketship! (runs off)
Snake: ANd he claims he doesn't need any medication... (he follows Shade- rocketship is seen blasting off)
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Otacon: How was that relevant to the subjects of this episode?
Ocelot: I can't believe you took part in that, Snake.
Snake: He gave me a nice amount of Fortune porn for it.
Ocelot: Good point.
Olga: How about some porn of me?
Snake: Please, I have a better game.
Otacon: How about this one? Cat is to kitten, as dog is to...
Raiden: Moo cow?
Otacon: ... No.
Meryl: Ooh! Puppy!
Otacon: Right! Now, for a tougher one... Tom Hanks is to had a lead role in Saving Private Ryan, as Solid Snake is to...
(silence)
Solidus: No idea.
Otacon: Solid Snake is to has a Directors Cut of Shaving Ryans Privates.
(silence)
Snake: Not cool, Otacon.
Fortune: Too far, man. Too far.
Narrator: I thought it was funny.
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE!
Narrator: But not all of it was stupid. Some was about Emma and Fatman selling out.
(cut to Emma and Fatman standing alongside a pile of CDs)
Emma: (turns to camera) Oh, hiya! You know, Fatman...
Fatman: Yes, Emma?
Emma: You know, I can never find a good CD to listen to.
Fatman: Good CD. Funnie.
Emma: But right now, you can buy... umm... what is it we're selling again?
Fatman: Fruit laxatives.
Emma: Then why didn't you say that before I started going on about the CDs?
Fatman: I do so enjoy CDs. Far more then laxatives.
Emma: Where are the laxatives?
Fatman: I ate one. Found out what it was. Then I gave the rest to Solid Snake.
(Solid Snake is seen running past, tearing at his sneaking suit)
Snake: WHY DOESN'T THIS THING HAVE A ZIP?! OH GOD! (shits his pants) NOT AGAIN! (runs off)
Emma: (pause) That was pretty funny.
Fatman: How about a little time off... from laxatives!
Emma: Shutup.
Fatman: Aww.
(cut to Ronin Syaoran and Fade Wolfius)
Ronin: (reading Lone Wolf and Cub) Screw you, dude.
Fade: HIRE DYNASTY WARRIORS 3, DAMMIT! (beats Shade over the head with a katana)
Ronin: Didn't you die?
Fade: Damn, forgot about that. (fades out of existance)
Ronin: Stupid bastard.
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Snake: Is it over yet?
Ocelot: Nearly.
Fortune: Not close enough.
Narrator: Only a couple of lines left.
UK Renegade: POTAT- (gets chucked into the Reviewers Pit)
(cut to Reviewers Pit. UK Renegade lands in the middle of a big circle of reviewers)
Kat: Damn, it isn't Gollum.
Sepiroth: I got kissed by Raiden.
Pablosky: Whatchoo talkin' about, Sepiroth?
(cut to everyone but Emma and Raiden)
Solidus: Let's go.
Narrator: And now, we end this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we humiliate Otacon and Johnny Sasaki. Bye.
Part 8
Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Metal Gear Solid. If I did, do you think I'd still be writing all this shit?! I'd be over in Tokyo working on MGS3! By the way, remember to purchase my new book:
'How To Rip Off TV, Movies and Flash Animation and Make It Look Original' by Shade Wolf
Narrator: Welcome to Behind The Game. This time we take a look at how everyone felt about Emma, and how everyone felt about that fat, ugly, nail-polish wearing bastard named Fatman.
(cut to everyone but Solidus, Emma and Fatman)
Otacon: Hold on, why aren't I doing this episode?! I'm Emmas brother for christsakes!
Snake: Quiet, you.
Narrator: Now then, remember how there was a contest last week?
Raiden: YES! Did I win?
Narrator: ... No. But our good friend, UK Renegade, did.
(everything goes black, and a spotlight shines on the door)
Narrator: This time is dedicated to whatever he wishes. What big questions will he ask? What big issues will he bring up? Let's welcome UK Renegade!
(door flys open, UK Renegade runs out)
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE! (flings a pie at Raiden- it splats right in his face)
Raiden: Delicous.
UK Renegade: (runs over to Fortune and squeezes her breasts) Honk honk!
Snake: Hey, I'll join in! (runs over and starts squeezing Fortunes breasts) Honk honk!
Fortune: Normally I would kill both of them.
Liquid: What's stopping you?
Fortune: Remember we all signed that contract saying that the guest could do anything he wanted?
Liquid: Oh yeah. (looks around) Where's Solidus?
Vamp: Why do you ask?
Liquid: Because right about two lines ago he would've said "Damn the Patriots!"
Meryl: Oh yeah. I sent him away.
Liquid: Why?
Meryl: Because he's crazy.
(cut to Solidus hunched in a dark corner)
Solidus: Why don't they believe in the Patriots? Are they blind? Blind as a Genome Soldier if you ask me... they all call me crazy, but I'm not crazy!
(UK Renegade walks in)
Solidus: I'm not crazy! I'll show them crazy! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT CRAZY!
(UK Renegade smacks Solidus across the face)
Solidus: (shaking head) Thanks, man. I lost control. (looks up at UK Renegade) C'mon, let's go fishing!
(UK Renegade exits)
Solidus: (talking softly to himself) You're next... (pulls out his katana) bait. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Snake: Man, I love squeezing Fortunes titties.
Meryl: Remember Emma's slumber party?
Snake: Boy, do I! I recorded the entire thing! (waves video tape around)
Raiden: Actually, I recorded over that.
Snake: WHAT?!
Raiden: Hey, I had to get a tape of Triple A.
Fortune: Ew. But, moving back, I remember that...
(cut to Emma, Fortune and Meryl sitting on the floor in nighties. Vamp is lying on the bed)
Fortune: So Emma, tell the truth! Do you have a crush on Raiden?
Emma: I'm not telling you...
Meryl: Aww, c'mon!
Fortune: Spill the beans, girl!
Emma: (blushing) Yes...
Fortune and Meryl: (giggle)
Emma: What? You all do!
Fortune: (stares dreamily into space) Oh yeah...
Meryl: Right. (turns to Vamp) So what about you, Vamp? Any secret crushes?
Vamp: Me and Liquid used to be an item. But he turned traitorous... I slit his throat and left him naked in a ditch! Now he is nothing to me. Whenever I think about it I just... (tears welling) I, I just... (starts crying)
Fortune: Aww.
Vamp: (wipes tears from eyes, and grabs a big box of choclates) Oh. whenever I get upset I eat! (starts gorging on the chocolates) Mmgrammgaw! (stops eating)
Emma: Poor Vampy.
Vamp: (puts chocolates down) I'm sorry, I lost control. (wipes nose) Say, (eyes turn evil and stares lustfilly at the girls necks) I've got an idea thats to DIE for!
Meryl: Umm, ok...
Vamp: (grabs boombox) LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Raiden: (pointing his arse in Snakes face) Does my butt look big in this?
Snake: Please get your arse outta my face before I shoot it.
Vamp: Please, bring your arse over here...
Liquid: Vamp!
Vamp: What? He means nothing to me!
Liquid: (slaps Vamp) Talk to me when you're done flirting with your boyfriend! (glares at Raiden) By the way, your butt is so huge, it rivals Fatmans. (storms out)
Vamp: (gets up) Wait, Liquid! Snuggle-bunny! (runs after Liquid)
Snake: Snuggle bunny?
Raiden: Wait, I thought I was Vamps snuggle-bunny!
Otacon: I'm your snuggle-bunny!
Raiden: Oh yeah. (pause) You know, I bet that Snakes room is empty.
Otacon: Let's go.
(Raiden and Otacon run out)
Colonel: No, wait! I brought various sex toys! (pursues Raiden)
Snake: Heh heh heh, those crazy kids. (dawns on him) Holy shit. I just cleaned my room! (runs after Otacon) OTACON!
Solidus: Wait, Snake! You didn't finish reading my report, 'The Influence On Multi-racial Social Economics Caused By The Patriots'! (runs after Snake)
(Meryls phone rings)
Meryl: (into phone) Hello? WHAT?! (starts crying) No! No... (hangs up phone)
Fortune: What?
Meryl: My favourite store has only one pair of shoes left!
Olga: Sweet Jesus, to Snakes Pimp-Mobile!
(Olga, Meryl, Sniper Wolf, Rose and Fortune run out)
Vulcan Raven: (looks around and notices that only him, Psycho Mantis and Ocelot are still there) Ugh, I'm leaving. (walks out)
Ocelot: What an oaf.
Mantis: I concur.
Ocelot: Shall we get back to it?
Mantis: ... Yes. (he and Ocelot start making out)
Narrator: Eww... I mean, not all of it was stupid and just to fill in space. Some of it was about... movie parodies.
(cut to a black screen)
Voice Over: (sounds like the standard movie voice) This summer, we bring to you a group of heros. A group who try their best to ensure that the future is safe for all humankind. And this team is...
(Snake, Liquid, Solidus, Otacon, Raiden, Emma, Fortune, Vamp, Fatman, Revolver Ocelot, UK Renegade and Sea Man)
Voice Over: The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men and Women.
(camera moves to Snake)
Voice Over: Solid Snake, with the ability to infiltrate anywhere, anytime. And say two words in the funniest way ever.
Snake: Metal Gear?!
(camera moves to Liquid)
Voice Over: Liquid Snake, with the ability to rant on about genetic experiments in a gay English accent.
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
(camera moves to Solidus)
Voice Over: Solidus Snake, with the ability to be completely paranoid about a non-existant group of people.
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!
(camera moves to Otacon)
Voice Over: Hal Emmerich, with the ability to pee his pants in any confined space.
Otacon: That's a low blow, voice over.
(camera moves to Raiden)
Voice Over: Raiden, with the ability to get his ass fucked into a bleeding mess.
Raiden: Did you say nerd?
(camera moves to Emma)
Voice Over: Emma Emmerich, with the ability to fantasise about Raiden 24/7.
Emma: (masturbating) Mmm, Raiden...
(camera moves to Fortune)
Voice Over: Fortune, the token black chick.
Fortune: Yo homie, I pity the foo' what don't read Shade Wolfs fanfiction.
(camera moves to Vamp)
Voice Over: Vamp, the bisexual vampire.
Vamp: (jerking off) Mmm, Raiden...
(camera moves to Fatman)
Voice Over: Fatman, with the ability to be a fat asshole who enjoys jamming bombs up his ass.
Fatman: Laugh and grow fat.
(camera moves to Ocelot)
Voice Over: Revolver Ocelot, the token Russian traitor.
Ocelot: I'm impotent.
(camera moves to UK Renegade)
Voice Over: UK Renegade, with the abiltity to throw potato pies and squeeze Fortunes titties.
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE! (squeezes Fortunes breasts) Honk honk!
(camera moves to Sea Man)
Voice Over: And finally, with the ability to communicate with fish, Semen.
(everyone laughs)
Seaman: It's SEA MAN!
Voice Over: That's what I said, Semen.
(everyone laughs)
Voice Over: Heh heh heh... I mean... Coming soon to a theater near you. From the same guys who brought you such masterpieces as 'The Darkness Trilogy' and 'Johnny Sasaki Finally Gets Laid'.
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Snake: That was stupid.
Fortune: Keep in mind that that was probably the only original thing in this entire episode.
Snake: Now that's just sad.
Otacon: (reading the script to this episode) Hold on, another might be coming up.
Snake: I see. Is it crap?
Otacon: It has it's moments.
Raiden: And a hotplate!
(silence)
Raiden: I mean... (switches on boombox; old dance music switches on. He starts dancing like a man in one of those old black and white musicals) LOOKIT ME! I'M DANCING, CRAZY!
Meryl: That was odd.
Hideo Kojima: Hey, don't look at me. I'm not the one who smokes the wacky tobaccy.
Shade: Quiet, you.
Snake: Huh. (looks at Fortune) Darlin', if the body is a temple, then you're my new religon.
Robot: Then the first of your priestly duties is an oath of celibacy.
Fortune: Good call, robot!
Snake: (raises fist in anger) Blasted machine! (turns back to Fortune) Baby, you and me are meant to be together, like the moon and the stars.
Robot: Then move away a little, you're a couple of billion miles to close.
Fortune: That was a good one, robot!
Snake: (raises fist in anger) Blasted machine!
Robot: C'mon Snake. You can do better.
Snake: I bet you couldn't get it on with her.
Robot: Watch this. (turns to Fortune) Baby, my magical watch says that you're not wearing any panties. My bad, it's an hour to fast.
Fortune: Ooh, robot! (starts making out with the robot)
Snake: (raises fist in anger) BLASTED MACHINE!
Narrator: Man, I need that robot to give me some pointers. Anyway, not all of it was about bad pick-up lines. Some of it was about... bad sketches.
(cut to Shade standing around. Snake runs in, covered in bleeding sword wounds)
Shade: So? What did Grey Fox say?
Snake: I think he said no.
Shade: Really?!
Snake: YES REALLY! Though I'm not sure what my first clue was, but after he slashed me up he said "Only a complete nimrod would do you're asking". Then he slashed me up again.
Shade: I really had my heart set on this.
Snake: I know. But if it's any consolation, I just got 5 litres of new blood pumped into me by an emergency crew.
Shade: To bad Ocelot's still in hospital after last episodes inital sketch.
Snake: Yeah, too bad... WAIT! What about Raiden?
Shade: Well, let's ask him.
(fade out- fade in to see Shade and Snake talking to Raiden)
Shade: Ok, Raiden, you know what we want you to do?
Raiden: Yeah, sounds like fun!
Shade: Uhm... Yeah, I suppose you would think so. Anyway, we'll get out of here so you can get to it.
(Shade and Snake exit)
Raiden: Alright, here goes!
(everything goes black- suddenly, a disco ball lowers from the roof and the floor starts flashing random colours. Raiden starts disco dancing to the song 'Staying Alive')
Song: (while Raiden does the finger pointing dance)
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
since I was born.
(Raiden changes to start moonwalking and pointing fingers)
Song: And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.
(Raiden starts doing the swim)
Song: Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
(suddenly, the disco ball smashes open and several imps jump out and start attacking Raiden)
Raiden: AH! MY EYES!
Song: (now very high pitched)
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.
Aliiiiiive... alive!
(camera moves over to Shade and Snake, who are standing about a metre or two from the area with the flashing floors)
Shade: Did you put those imps in there?
Snake: Me? I thought it was you! (pause) So, uh, what was with that anyway?
Shade: Well, it would've made more sense if Grey Fox had done it.
Snake: How so?
Shade: Staying Alive? After he was crushed by Metal Gear Rex?! C'mon, it's genius!
Snake: Maybe on some other planet, but unfortunatly, this is earth.
Shade: EGADS, YOU'RE RIGHT! Quickly, to the rocketship! (runs off)
Snake: ANd he claims he doesn't need any medication... (he follows Shade- rocketship is seen blasting off)
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Otacon: How was that relevant to the subjects of this episode?
Ocelot: I can't believe you took part in that, Snake.
Snake: He gave me a nice amount of Fortune porn for it.
Ocelot: Good point.
Olga: How about some porn of me?
Snake: Please, I have a better game.
Otacon: How about this one? Cat is to kitten, as dog is to...
Raiden: Moo cow?
Otacon: ... No.
Meryl: Ooh! Puppy!
Otacon: Right! Now, for a tougher one... Tom Hanks is to had a lead role in Saving Private Ryan, as Solid Snake is to...
(silence)
Solidus: No idea.
Otacon: Solid Snake is to has a Directors Cut of Shaving Ryans Privates.
(silence)
Snake: Not cool, Otacon.
Fortune: Too far, man. Too far.
Narrator: I thought it was funny.
UK Renegade: POTATO PIE!
Narrator: But not all of it was stupid. Some was about Emma and Fatman selling out.
(cut to Emma and Fatman standing alongside a pile of CDs)
Emma: (turns to camera) Oh, hiya! You know, Fatman...
Fatman: Yes, Emma?
Emma: You know, I can never find a good CD to listen to.
Fatman: Good CD. Funnie.
Emma: But right now, you can buy... umm... what is it we're selling again?
Fatman: Fruit laxatives.
Emma: Then why didn't you say that before I started going on about the CDs?
Fatman: I do so enjoy CDs. Far more then laxatives.
Emma: Where are the laxatives?
Fatman: I ate one. Found out what it was. Then I gave the rest to Solid Snake.
(Solid Snake is seen running past, tearing at his sneaking suit)
Snake: WHY DOESN'T THIS THING HAVE A ZIP?! OH GOD! (shits his pants) NOT AGAIN! (runs off)
Emma: (pause) That was pretty funny.
Fatman: How about a little time off... from laxatives!
Emma: Shutup.
Fatman: Aww.
(cut to Ronin Syaoran and Fade Wolfius)
Ronin: (reading Lone Wolf and Cub) Screw you, dude.
Fade: HIRE DYNASTY WARRIORS 3, DAMMIT! (beats Shade over the head with a katana)
Ronin: Didn't you die?
Fade: Damn, forgot about that. (fades out of existance)
Ronin: Stupid bastard.
(cut to everyone but Emma and Fatman)
Snake: Is it over yet?
Ocelot: Nearly.
Fortune: Not close enough.
Narrator: Only a couple of lines left.
UK Renegade: POTAT- (gets chucked into the Reviewers Pit)
(cut to Reviewers Pit. UK Renegade lands in the middle of a big circle of reviewers)
Kat: Damn, it isn't Gollum.
Sepiroth: I got kissed by Raiden.
Pablosky: Whatchoo talkin' about, Sepiroth?
(cut to everyone but Emma and Raiden)
Solidus: Let's go.
Narrator: And now, we end this episode of Behind The Game. Join us next time as we humiliate Otacon and Johnny Sasaki. Bye.