Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
Part Nine
Narrator: Welcome to the ninth instalment of Behind The Game. In this episode, we go behind the scenes and show you all sorts of crazy stuff people thought about Otacon and Johnny Sasaki.
(cut to Raiden)
Raiden: Otacon? Yeah, I know him. I used to think he was a robot.
(cut to Raiden talking to Johnny Sasaki)
Johnny: What to do you mean, Otacon's a robot?
Raiden: I know it's crazy, but it's true.
Johnny: How can you tell?
Raiden: Well, a robot can't express laughter, sadness or love.
Johnny: How can you prove this?
Raiden: OTACON!
(Otacon runs on)
Otacon: Yes?
Raiden: Johnny just told me the funniest joke! It was hilarious!
Otacon: (blandly) Is this true, Johnny? Was it hilarious?
Johnny: Umm, yeah...
Raiden: It was! Tell it to him, Johnny!
Johnny: Umm, err... How do you make a hormone?
Otacon: ... I have no idea.
Johnny: Kick her in the guts! WHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? Hormone? Whore moan? HAHAHAHA! (wipes tears from his eyes)
Otacon: ... Get back to work. (he walks off)
Raiden: See? Not even a chuckle!
Johnny: What about sadness?
Raiden: OTACON!
(Otacon walks over)
Otacon: Yes?
Raiden: Well... (starts crying) Johnny's father never hugged him! (wipes eyes) Isn't that sad?
Otacon: (pause) Yes. I suppose it is rather sad. (walks off)
Raiden: See! No tears! No sniff!
Johnny: I'll have you know that my father loved me very much!
Raiden: Speaking of that... OTACON!
(Otacon walks over)
Otacon: What now?
Raiden: Johnny just told me that he loves you.
(silence)
Otacon: Get back to work.
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Snake: Johnny? Why is he in this?
Fortune: We're running out of characters. And I think the author is running out of ideas.
Shade: (reading Simpsons and Kevin Smith film scripts) Tell me about it...
Raiden: I was in that sketch!
Solidus: No shit, Sherlock.
(Sherlock Holmes runs in)
Holmes: Somebody call?
Liquid: OCELOT HAS BEEN MURDERED!!!
Ocelot: No I haven't.
Liquid: Oops, five seconds early...
(an axe is thrown from OC and hits Ocelot in the back, killing him)
Ocelot: Rosebud... (he collapses to the floor)
Sherlock: EGADS! A murder! I best solve it!
Watson: Good idea, Holmes!
Sherlock: 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!!! Now go get me a lager, and a syringe of heroin.
Watson: Right-o, Mr Holmes... (he waddles off)
Narrator: But not all of it was a stupid reference to a character created by the literary works of one Sir Conan Doyle, which has been severely changed by the stereotypes of the average middle-aged British man. Some of it was about... Johnny's life story.
(cut to Johnny and Otacon)
Johnny: Did I tell you about the time I went to college?
Otacon: You?
Johnny: Yes. Me.
Otacon: I didn't know you could take an honours degree in shitting..
Johnny: If you must know, I was training to be a guide dog for the blind.
Otacon: A guide dog?!
Johnny: All the other courses were full.
Otacon: No, sorry, makes no sense whatsoever.
Johnny: Well, I was doing alright, until...the accident.
Otacon: You were in an accident?
Johnny: I was doing my first year practical exam with a partially sighted lady from Leicestershire. I got her half way across town without a single bump when we reached this zebra crossing...
Otacon: Go on...
Johnny: I'm not sure that I can. It's very painful to tell.
Otacon: Actually, it's very painful to listen to...
Johnny: So, we were at the crossing when suddenly, down the road, I saw Kasha, a particularly attractive Brazilian girl from the third year.
Otacon: In being a guide dog.
Johnny: Will you let me continue? Anyway, she was very attractive...
Otacon: And...?
Johnny: You must understand that I had a tremendous respect for her...
Otacon: i.e. you were trying to get into her pants...
Johnny: ... For twelve months solid, yes, so I took my chance and popped over to see her. The blind lady didn't seem to notice, so I thought she'd be okay for a moment.
Otacon: But...
Johnny: At that precise moment, the local grocery delivery van had the one and only mechanical failure in its otherwise unblemished seventeen-year history. Right on the zebra crossing. By the time I got back, there was low-fat yoghurt and body parts all over the place...
Otacon: What did you do?
Johnny: Well, I tried to bury what was left of her, didn't I? And I'd have got away with it if I hadn't left that bastard white stick poking out of the ground.
Otacon: I'm surprised they didn't have you put in jail for manslaughter.
Johnny: Ah, well they tried to. But I was rescued from the police pound.
Otacon: You were taken to the pound?
Johnny: YES! I was wearing the guide-dogs leash and harness at the time.
Otacon: How could the police mistake you for a dog?!
Johnny: I was in New York at the time.
Otacon: So...?
Johnny: I said I was a human. The NYPD kinda beat the shit outta me to make me confess that I was really an animal.
Otacon: Ouch.
Johnny: I was in there for three weeks. Those bastard Pomeranians beat me up and bullied me, until one day I vented out my rage and threw them all into the Rottweilers cell.
Otacon: Why didn't the NYPD just kill you after that incident?
Johnny: They thought that the painters had done a new job, turned the place from green to red.
Otacon: Eww.
Johnny: But soon, I was rescued...
Otacon: So, you were rescued by Animal Liberation people?
Johnny: In an almost military-style operation, they effected my escape and took me back to their secret base in the woods. For the next three years we went on a series of thrilling adventures together.
Otacon: What sort of adventures?
Johnny: Well, there was the time we rescued those children from the mine...
Otacon: The mine, yes...
Johnny: The day we smashed an international drugs cartel operating out of Columbia...
Otacon: Yes...
Johnny: And one memorable weekend where we chaired a secret peace initiative between members of the Israeli government and the Palestine Liberation Organization. Eventually, though, I had to be rescued again. This time by the RSPCA.
Otacon: Why?
Johnny: It was Claire. She started... touching me in unusual places.
Otacon: Such as?
Johnny: The kitchen, on the landing and in the shed. It was about this time I lost my ability to talk to cute girls without shitting my pants.
Otacon: You're making this up, aren't you.
Johnny: (pause)... Yes.
Otacon: You know, I think you are possibly the most irritating person I have ever met.
(Liquid walks in)
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
Otacon: I stand corrected.
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Snake: That was pretty funny.
Solidus: You do realise that no one cares what you think, as you're nothing but a puppet conforming to the author?
Snake: (drools at mouth) Kill... Solidus...
Fortune: So, what happens now?
Emma: Remember how in that episode about Olga and Ocelot, and how there was that obscenely large skit about Ocelot being charged for murder?
Raiden: How ironic that this week it was HE who was murdered.
Liquid: That is the first sane thing you've ever said.
Raiden: Potato pie?
Emma: Oh, you're so funny! (starts saddling Raiden) Wanna go up to my room and make me scream in a high note from pleasure?
Raiden: Did you say nerd?
Fortune: But what happens now?
Emma: Oh, we're in for ANOTHER obscenely long sketch. Probably ripped off from something else.
Raiden: (reads his script) Looks like I have to say something smart as an intro to the damn thing...
Snake: That word, 'smart', doesn't sound right when it comes from you...
Raiden: (turns to camera) Greed is a terrible thing. It can consume you like a huge, fierce animal with long pointy teeth and sharp claws.
Greed can creep up behind you in a dark alleyway, and touch you very gently and suggestively on the leg in a way that you're not entirely comfortable with.
Greed can lure you into an closet, push you up against the wall, and roughly have its wicked way with you. And greed will never call you afterwards, or even offer to buy you a coffee.
The greediest man in history was probably King Midas, who turned everything that he touched to solid gold. Sadly, this meant that King Midas was never able to "touch himself" in any way.
Did I tell you that I like to drink my own urine?
Narrator: But not all of it was stupid. Some of it was about obscenely long sketches.
(cut to Snake and Otacon. Otacon is sitting, watching Snake, what appears to be, fucking the floor)
Otacon: Do you plan to continue humping the floorboards for much longer?
Snake: Fuck off!
Otacon: There is very little future in a sexual relationship with an inanimate object.
Snake: Listen, shithead, I am not humping the floorboards! I'm burying something.
Otacon: How stupid of me. Of course you are. And what exactly are you burying?
Snake: Not that it's any of your fucking business, but if you must know I am burying a shitload of porn before my mother comes over.
Otacon: Porn? Oh how very passé. What sort of porn?
Snake: If you don't shut up, it'll be some of yours!
Otacon: Why don't you bury it in the garden? That's much better, and easier.
Snake: It's raining.
Otacon: Oh.
Snake: So I'm burying the fucking stuff under the floorboards. Do you have a problem with that???
Otacon: There's no need to shout.
Snake: I AM NOT SHOUTING!!!
Otacon: (QUIETLY) Cock knocker!
Snake: What?
Otacon: Nothing.
(Snakes eyes go wide)
Snake: Hello... what's this?
(Snake throws a suitcase on the table; dust flies everywhere)
Otacon: A suitcase... What's inside it?
Snake: Hmm.... (Snake concentrates really hard) No...sorry; I can't tell you without opening it first.
Otacon: Open it then.... Oh, damn! It's got a combination lock….
Snake: It'll be zero, zero, zero, zero then.
Otacon: What?
Snake: The combination. Zero, zero, zero, zero.
Otacon: How do you know that?
Snake: It's always zero, zero, zero, zero. It's the only four-digit combination anyone can ever remember.
Otacon: Are you sure?
Snake: Does Olga's pussy taste like chicken?
Otacon: I wouldn't know.
Snake: Rhetorical question. Right... (Snake starts putting in the combination) Zero...zero....zero... fuck!
Otacon: Well?
Snake: Must be 1-2-3-4… (he tries again) Nope.
Otacon: 4-3-2-1?
Snake: Err... no.
Otacon: Fuck. How many combinations are there of four numbers from 1 to 9?
Snake: Eleven? I dunno. Billions probably.
Otacon: So, are you going to carry on randomly trying combinations until you grow old and die, or...?
Snake: Or what..?
Otacon: Or are you going to try and come up with an intelligent solution to the problem?
Snake: Intelligent. Hmm...
(screen fades out; it fades back in, and Snake is hitting the suitcase with a sledgehammer)
Otacon: You have been hitting that case for 3 hours now…
Snake: I know!
Otacon: Do you think it's time to consider an alternative approach?
Snake: No. Mindless brute force and violence is the solution to everything.
(Snake carries on hitting the case; the lock flies off)
Snake: There you go. Told you.
(they open the lid of the case. It is full of neatly packed $100 notes. They stare in awe at the contents)
Otacon: Oh... my... God!
Snake: Fuck! There must be thousands in there...!
(Johnny walks on)
Johnny: Howsit guys! What are you doing?
(Snake slams the case shut)
Snake: Nothing!
Johnny: What's in the case?
Otacon: What case?
Johnny: Can I have a look?
(Snake and Otacon go into a huddle and start whispering)
Otacon: What the hell are we going to do now?
Snake: Well, we can't let him find out about the money. We'd have to share it with the bastard.
Otacon: What we need is a cover story so brilliant that he'll never be tempted to look inside the case...
Snake: And that would be..?
Otacon: I can't think of one.
Snake: So, it's agreed, then?
Otacon: Yes. We'll have to kill the bastard.
Snake: Shall we do it now?
Otacon: No time to lose. Give me the hammer.
(when they look up they see that both Johnny and the case have gone)
Otacon: He's gone. And so has the case...
Snake: Fuck!
(Emma wanders in)
Emma: Is something wrong?
Otacon: What? No. Why would there be anything wrong?
Emma: Only, I thought I saw the guy who shits himself running away with what looked like a suitcase.
(pause)
Otacon: Would you excuse us for a moment?
(Snake and Otacon go into a huddle)
Otacon: I think you know what I'm going to say next.
Snake: Yeah. Of course I do. (pause) What?
Otacon: We're going to have to kill Emma as well.
Snake: Who's going to do it?
Otacon: I'll toss you for it.
Snake: Got a coin?
Otacon: No.
Snake: Fuck.
Otacon: We'll have to try something else.
(they break the huddle; Otacon turns to Emma)
Otacon: I'm afraid you'll have to leave immediately, because the house...is haunted… and may fall down at any moment! (BEAT) Assuming that the rare strain of bubonic plague present in the u-bend under sink doesn't kill us first.
Emma: Are you two up to something?
Otacon: No. Absolutely, definitely not.
Johnny (OC): Fuck me!
Snake: What was that?
Emma: Well, I'm only guessing, but it sounded to me like a guy who shits himself who has just discovered several hundred thousand dollars stuffed inside a suitcase.
Otacon: It might have been the central heating coming on.
Johnny (OC): Fuck! Fuck! I'm rich! I'm rich!! Praise God Almighty!
(pause)
Otacon: Definitely the radiators. Come on Snake, we have to go and check the boiler...in the kitchen.
Snake: Ooh, can we have a sandwich while we're in there? I haven't eaten for ten minutes... (they both move into the kitchen)
(Johnny has scattered money everywhere)
Johnny: Hey, guys. Look what I found. The case is full of cash!
Otacon: Stay away from it! The money is ours. We found it first.
Snake: Actually, I found it. Under the floorboards.
Otacon: We both found it.
Snake: Fuck off! It was also my precision scientific methodology that got the case open...
Otacon: Snake, you wouldn't know scientific methodology if it stuck its tongue down your throat and dry-shagged you on the back seat of a Mustang.
Johnny: So, how are we going to spend it, guys? How about a loft extension. Or maybe a little Jacuzzi?
(Snake grabs Johnny's throat)
Snake: You know what? I'm going to pull your arms off, cover them in barbecue sauce, and feed them to your arse.
Johnny: What are you trying to say?
Emma (OC): Excuse me, is everything alright in there!
Johnny: Help! Help!
Snake: Shut up, fuck nut!
(Snake headbutts Johnny)
Otacon: Good. Now lets get rid of Emma...
Snake: How?
Otacon: Use your imagination!
(Snake begins to walk out of the room)
Otacon: He's gone. The gullible fool! And now that money will be mine; all mine... Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Snake: Excuse me.
Otacon: What?
Snake: I haven't gone yet!
Otacon: Sorry, ours. The money will be "ours". All ours. You and me - we'll share it. I promise, old friend...
Snake: What was all that laughing?
Otacon: Go away.
(screen fades out; fades in, we see Otacon and Johnny in conference)
Otacon: ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Agreed?
Johnny: Agreed.
Otacon: Good. All we have to do is wait until Snake's asleep, tie him up, then gently carry him into the laundry and drown him in the washing machine.
Johnny: On which setting?
Otacon: Sixty degrees I think. Colourfast cottons.
Johnny: I like it. It's clever. It's quick. It's...
Otacon: Clean?
Johnny: Clean, yes.
Otacon: I'll meet you back here at two a.m.
(screen fades out; fades in, we see Snake and Johnny in conference)
Snake: ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Is that fair?
Johnny: Reckon it is, Snake.
Snake: Okay, here's the plan. We'll wait until he's asleep, then we creep into the living room and cut off his head and his legs with an electric carving knife.
Johnny: Then what?
Snake: We put his head in the freezer, and the rest of him in the fridge.
Johnny: Where in the fridge?
Snake: Good question - I like the way you're thinking. His body can go in the salad drawer, and his legs can go in that little milk carton holder on the inside of the door.
Johnny: With the milk.
Snake: With the milk, yes.
(pause)
Johnny: Where are we going to put the yoghurt?
Snake: The yoghurt can go on that little shelf at the bottom of the fridge.
Johnny: I thought his arms were going in there.
Snake: No, they're going in the salad compartment.
Johnny: What shall we do with the iceberg lettuce?
Snake: We'll put that in a little Tupperware container on the top shelf.
Johnny: Right.
Snake: I'll meet you back here at 2am...
(fade out; fade in, Johnny stands in the darkened living room holding the suitcase)
Johnny: Dum de dum...
(Otacon and Snake appear from either side of the room; one carrying a rope, the latter an electric carving knife. Suddenly, Johnny switches on the light)
Johnny: Hi, guys! Before everyone starts killing everyone else, I have some good news and some bad news.
Snake: What?
Johnny: The bad news is that all the cash is gone.
Otacon: Gone???
Johnny: I gave it to charity.
Snake: Charity??
Johnny: Yeah. I just couldn't bear to see it tearing us apart. Everyone was talking about killing everyone else. It was horrible. I just wanted us all to be friends again.
Otacon: Which charity?
Johnny: Oh, Emma was at the window rattling a tin for some charity or other. So I gave her the lot. She needed a hundred and fifty collection tins to stuff it all in.
Otacon: That thieving little bitch!
Johnny: Now, I think what is called for is a group hug to reaffirm our friendship. What do you think, guys?
(Snake and Otacon stare at each other for a moment, then leap upon Johnny and start beating him into a pulp)
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Solidus: That was far, far too long.
Raiden: Wang.
Solidus: Shut it.
Snake: So... that's about it...
Fortune: We still have to do their little selling out bit.
Liquid: Shit...
(cut to Otacon and Johnny, who are both standing next to a TV)
Otacon: Hi friends. We're here to advertise our new exercise videos.
Johnny: That we are!
Otacon: Shutup. Watch the tape...
(camera zooms in on the TV. On it, Otacon and Johnny are sitting on comfortable chairs)
Otacon: Alright guys, today we're doing sit-ups!
Johnny: Let's go!
Otacon: LIE DOWN!
Johnny: Sit up!
Otacon: LIE DOWN!
Johnny: Sit up!
Otacon: (picks up a pizza box, opens it and grabs a slice of pizza from inside) LIE DOWN!
Johnny: (grabs a piece of his own) Sit up!
Otacon: (chewing on pizza) Mwie lown!
Johnny: (also eating pizza) Gwit nup!
(camera zooms out, showing Otacon and Johnny standing next to the TV)
Otacon: Good stuff... buy many copies now!
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Snake: So, did we find out who killed Ocelot?
Holmes: Yes I did! It was none other then... (points finger at Olga) OLGA!
(police run in and grab Olga)
Snake: Now let's find out who you REALLY are... (grabs Olgas face and rips off a mask to reveal some old man)
Snake, Fortune, Raiden, Emma, and Solidus: MR.TURBULCIS?
Mr.Turbulcis: I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!
Solidus: Take him away, boys! (eats a huge sandwich)
Raiden: Grood rone Rhaggy.
Narrator: And thats it for this episode of Behind the Game. Join us next time for... ummm... leave a review and tell me who I've left out. I'll do 'em next time. Bye!
Part Nine
Narrator: Welcome to the ninth instalment of Behind The Game. In this episode, we go behind the scenes and show you all sorts of crazy stuff people thought about Otacon and Johnny Sasaki.
(cut to Raiden)
Raiden: Otacon? Yeah, I know him. I used to think he was a robot.
(cut to Raiden talking to Johnny Sasaki)
Johnny: What to do you mean, Otacon's a robot?
Raiden: I know it's crazy, but it's true.
Johnny: How can you tell?
Raiden: Well, a robot can't express laughter, sadness or love.
Johnny: How can you prove this?
Raiden: OTACON!
(Otacon runs on)
Otacon: Yes?
Raiden: Johnny just told me the funniest joke! It was hilarious!
Otacon: (blandly) Is this true, Johnny? Was it hilarious?
Johnny: Umm, yeah...
Raiden: It was! Tell it to him, Johnny!
Johnny: Umm, err... How do you make a hormone?
Otacon: ... I have no idea.
Johnny: Kick her in the guts! WHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? Hormone? Whore moan? HAHAHAHA! (wipes tears from his eyes)
Otacon: ... Get back to work. (he walks off)
Raiden: See? Not even a chuckle!
Johnny: What about sadness?
Raiden: OTACON!
(Otacon walks over)
Otacon: Yes?
Raiden: Well... (starts crying) Johnny's father never hugged him! (wipes eyes) Isn't that sad?
Otacon: (pause) Yes. I suppose it is rather sad. (walks off)
Raiden: See! No tears! No sniff!
Johnny: I'll have you know that my father loved me very much!
Raiden: Speaking of that... OTACON!
(Otacon walks over)
Otacon: What now?
Raiden: Johnny just told me that he loves you.
(silence)
Otacon: Get back to work.
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Snake: Johnny? Why is he in this?
Fortune: We're running out of characters. And I think the author is running out of ideas.
Shade: (reading Simpsons and Kevin Smith film scripts) Tell me about it...
Raiden: I was in that sketch!
Solidus: No shit, Sherlock.
(Sherlock Holmes runs in)
Holmes: Somebody call?
Liquid: OCELOT HAS BEEN MURDERED!!!
Ocelot: No I haven't.
Liquid: Oops, five seconds early...
(an axe is thrown from OC and hits Ocelot in the back, killing him)
Ocelot: Rosebud... (he collapses to the floor)
Sherlock: EGADS! A murder! I best solve it!
Watson: Good idea, Holmes!
Sherlock: 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!!! Now go get me a lager, and a syringe of heroin.
Watson: Right-o, Mr Holmes... (he waddles off)
Narrator: But not all of it was a stupid reference to a character created by the literary works of one Sir Conan Doyle, which has been severely changed by the stereotypes of the average middle-aged British man. Some of it was about... Johnny's life story.
(cut to Johnny and Otacon)
Johnny: Did I tell you about the time I went to college?
Otacon: You?
Johnny: Yes. Me.
Otacon: I didn't know you could take an honours degree in shitting..
Johnny: If you must know, I was training to be a guide dog for the blind.
Otacon: A guide dog?!
Johnny: All the other courses were full.
Otacon: No, sorry, makes no sense whatsoever.
Johnny: Well, I was doing alright, until...the accident.
Otacon: You were in an accident?
Johnny: I was doing my first year practical exam with a partially sighted lady from Leicestershire. I got her half way across town without a single bump when we reached this zebra crossing...
Otacon: Go on...
Johnny: I'm not sure that I can. It's very painful to tell.
Otacon: Actually, it's very painful to listen to...
Johnny: So, we were at the crossing when suddenly, down the road, I saw Kasha, a particularly attractive Brazilian girl from the third year.
Otacon: In being a guide dog.
Johnny: Will you let me continue? Anyway, she was very attractive...
Otacon: And...?
Johnny: You must understand that I had a tremendous respect for her...
Otacon: i.e. you were trying to get into her pants...
Johnny: ... For twelve months solid, yes, so I took my chance and popped over to see her. The blind lady didn't seem to notice, so I thought she'd be okay for a moment.
Otacon: But...
Johnny: At that precise moment, the local grocery delivery van had the one and only mechanical failure in its otherwise unblemished seventeen-year history. Right on the zebra crossing. By the time I got back, there was low-fat yoghurt and body parts all over the place...
Otacon: What did you do?
Johnny: Well, I tried to bury what was left of her, didn't I? And I'd have got away with it if I hadn't left that bastard white stick poking out of the ground.
Otacon: I'm surprised they didn't have you put in jail for manslaughter.
Johnny: Ah, well they tried to. But I was rescued from the police pound.
Otacon: You were taken to the pound?
Johnny: YES! I was wearing the guide-dogs leash and harness at the time.
Otacon: How could the police mistake you for a dog?!
Johnny: I was in New York at the time.
Otacon: So...?
Johnny: I said I was a human. The NYPD kinda beat the shit outta me to make me confess that I was really an animal.
Otacon: Ouch.
Johnny: I was in there for three weeks. Those bastard Pomeranians beat me up and bullied me, until one day I vented out my rage and threw them all into the Rottweilers cell.
Otacon: Why didn't the NYPD just kill you after that incident?
Johnny: They thought that the painters had done a new job, turned the place from green to red.
Otacon: Eww.
Johnny: But soon, I was rescued...
Otacon: So, you were rescued by Animal Liberation people?
Johnny: In an almost military-style operation, they effected my escape and took me back to their secret base in the woods. For the next three years we went on a series of thrilling adventures together.
Otacon: What sort of adventures?
Johnny: Well, there was the time we rescued those children from the mine...
Otacon: The mine, yes...
Johnny: The day we smashed an international drugs cartel operating out of Columbia...
Otacon: Yes...
Johnny: And one memorable weekend where we chaired a secret peace initiative between members of the Israeli government and the Palestine Liberation Organization. Eventually, though, I had to be rescued again. This time by the RSPCA.
Otacon: Why?
Johnny: It was Claire. She started... touching me in unusual places.
Otacon: Such as?
Johnny: The kitchen, on the landing and in the shed. It was about this time I lost my ability to talk to cute girls without shitting my pants.
Otacon: You're making this up, aren't you.
Johnny: (pause)... Yes.
Otacon: You know, I think you are possibly the most irritating person I have ever met.
(Liquid walks in)
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
Otacon: I stand corrected.
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Snake: That was pretty funny.
Solidus: You do realise that no one cares what you think, as you're nothing but a puppet conforming to the author?
Snake: (drools at mouth) Kill... Solidus...
Fortune: So, what happens now?
Emma: Remember how in that episode about Olga and Ocelot, and how there was that obscenely large skit about Ocelot being charged for murder?
Raiden: How ironic that this week it was HE who was murdered.
Liquid: That is the first sane thing you've ever said.
Raiden: Potato pie?
Emma: Oh, you're so funny! (starts saddling Raiden) Wanna go up to my room and make me scream in a high note from pleasure?
Raiden: Did you say nerd?
Fortune: But what happens now?
Emma: Oh, we're in for ANOTHER obscenely long sketch. Probably ripped off from something else.
Raiden: (reads his script) Looks like I have to say something smart as an intro to the damn thing...
Snake: That word, 'smart', doesn't sound right when it comes from you...
Raiden: (turns to camera) Greed is a terrible thing. It can consume you like a huge, fierce animal with long pointy teeth and sharp claws.
Greed can creep up behind you in a dark alleyway, and touch you very gently and suggestively on the leg in a way that you're not entirely comfortable with.
Greed can lure you into an closet, push you up against the wall, and roughly have its wicked way with you. And greed will never call you afterwards, or even offer to buy you a coffee.
The greediest man in history was probably King Midas, who turned everything that he touched to solid gold. Sadly, this meant that King Midas was never able to "touch himself" in any way.
Did I tell you that I like to drink my own urine?
Narrator: But not all of it was stupid. Some of it was about obscenely long sketches.
(cut to Snake and Otacon. Otacon is sitting, watching Snake, what appears to be, fucking the floor)
Otacon: Do you plan to continue humping the floorboards for much longer?
Snake: Fuck off!
Otacon: There is very little future in a sexual relationship with an inanimate object.
Snake: Listen, shithead, I am not humping the floorboards! I'm burying something.
Otacon: How stupid of me. Of course you are. And what exactly are you burying?
Snake: Not that it's any of your fucking business, but if you must know I am burying a shitload of porn before my mother comes over.
Otacon: Porn? Oh how very passé. What sort of porn?
Snake: If you don't shut up, it'll be some of yours!
Otacon: Why don't you bury it in the garden? That's much better, and easier.
Snake: It's raining.
Otacon: Oh.
Snake: So I'm burying the fucking stuff under the floorboards. Do you have a problem with that???
Otacon: There's no need to shout.
Snake: I AM NOT SHOUTING!!!
Otacon: (QUIETLY) Cock knocker!
Snake: What?
Otacon: Nothing.
(Snakes eyes go wide)
Snake: Hello... what's this?
(Snake throws a suitcase on the table; dust flies everywhere)
Otacon: A suitcase... What's inside it?
Snake: Hmm.... (Snake concentrates really hard) No...sorry; I can't tell you without opening it first.
Otacon: Open it then.... Oh, damn! It's got a combination lock….
Snake: It'll be zero, zero, zero, zero then.
Otacon: What?
Snake: The combination. Zero, zero, zero, zero.
Otacon: How do you know that?
Snake: It's always zero, zero, zero, zero. It's the only four-digit combination anyone can ever remember.
Otacon: Are you sure?
Snake: Does Olga's pussy taste like chicken?
Otacon: I wouldn't know.
Snake: Rhetorical question. Right... (Snake starts putting in the combination) Zero...zero....zero... fuck!
Otacon: Well?
Snake: Must be 1-2-3-4… (he tries again) Nope.
Otacon: 4-3-2-1?
Snake: Err... no.
Otacon: Fuck. How many combinations are there of four numbers from 1 to 9?
Snake: Eleven? I dunno. Billions probably.
Otacon: So, are you going to carry on randomly trying combinations until you grow old and die, or...?
Snake: Or what..?
Otacon: Or are you going to try and come up with an intelligent solution to the problem?
Snake: Intelligent. Hmm...
(screen fades out; it fades back in, and Snake is hitting the suitcase with a sledgehammer)
Otacon: You have been hitting that case for 3 hours now…
Snake: I know!
Otacon: Do you think it's time to consider an alternative approach?
Snake: No. Mindless brute force and violence is the solution to everything.
(Snake carries on hitting the case; the lock flies off)
Snake: There you go. Told you.
(they open the lid of the case. It is full of neatly packed $100 notes. They stare in awe at the contents)
Otacon: Oh... my... God!
Snake: Fuck! There must be thousands in there...!
(Johnny walks on)
Johnny: Howsit guys! What are you doing?
(Snake slams the case shut)
Snake: Nothing!
Johnny: What's in the case?
Otacon: What case?
Johnny: Can I have a look?
(Snake and Otacon go into a huddle and start whispering)
Otacon: What the hell are we going to do now?
Snake: Well, we can't let him find out about the money. We'd have to share it with the bastard.
Otacon: What we need is a cover story so brilliant that he'll never be tempted to look inside the case...
Snake: And that would be..?
Otacon: I can't think of one.
Snake: So, it's agreed, then?
Otacon: Yes. We'll have to kill the bastard.
Snake: Shall we do it now?
Otacon: No time to lose. Give me the hammer.
(when they look up they see that both Johnny and the case have gone)
Otacon: He's gone. And so has the case...
Snake: Fuck!
(Emma wanders in)
Emma: Is something wrong?
Otacon: What? No. Why would there be anything wrong?
Emma: Only, I thought I saw the guy who shits himself running away with what looked like a suitcase.
(pause)
Otacon: Would you excuse us for a moment?
(Snake and Otacon go into a huddle)
Otacon: I think you know what I'm going to say next.
Snake: Yeah. Of course I do. (pause) What?
Otacon: We're going to have to kill Emma as well.
Snake: Who's going to do it?
Otacon: I'll toss you for it.
Snake: Got a coin?
Otacon: No.
Snake: Fuck.
Otacon: We'll have to try something else.
(they break the huddle; Otacon turns to Emma)
Otacon: I'm afraid you'll have to leave immediately, because the house...is haunted… and may fall down at any moment! (BEAT) Assuming that the rare strain of bubonic plague present in the u-bend under sink doesn't kill us first.
Emma: Are you two up to something?
Otacon: No. Absolutely, definitely not.
Johnny (OC): Fuck me!
Snake: What was that?
Emma: Well, I'm only guessing, but it sounded to me like a guy who shits himself who has just discovered several hundred thousand dollars stuffed inside a suitcase.
Otacon: It might have been the central heating coming on.
Johnny (OC): Fuck! Fuck! I'm rich! I'm rich!! Praise God Almighty!
(pause)
Otacon: Definitely the radiators. Come on Snake, we have to go and check the boiler...in the kitchen.
Snake: Ooh, can we have a sandwich while we're in there? I haven't eaten for ten minutes... (they both move into the kitchen)
(Johnny has scattered money everywhere)
Johnny: Hey, guys. Look what I found. The case is full of cash!
Otacon: Stay away from it! The money is ours. We found it first.
Snake: Actually, I found it. Under the floorboards.
Otacon: We both found it.
Snake: Fuck off! It was also my precision scientific methodology that got the case open...
Otacon: Snake, you wouldn't know scientific methodology if it stuck its tongue down your throat and dry-shagged you on the back seat of a Mustang.
Johnny: So, how are we going to spend it, guys? How about a loft extension. Or maybe a little Jacuzzi?
(Snake grabs Johnny's throat)
Snake: You know what? I'm going to pull your arms off, cover them in barbecue sauce, and feed them to your arse.
Johnny: What are you trying to say?
Emma (OC): Excuse me, is everything alright in there!
Johnny: Help! Help!
Snake: Shut up, fuck nut!
(Snake headbutts Johnny)
Otacon: Good. Now lets get rid of Emma...
Snake: How?
Otacon: Use your imagination!
(Snake begins to walk out of the room)
Otacon: He's gone. The gullible fool! And now that money will be mine; all mine... Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Snake: Excuse me.
Otacon: What?
Snake: I haven't gone yet!
Otacon: Sorry, ours. The money will be "ours". All ours. You and me - we'll share it. I promise, old friend...
Snake: What was all that laughing?
Otacon: Go away.
(screen fades out; fades in, we see Otacon and Johnny in conference)
Otacon: ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Agreed?
Johnny: Agreed.
Otacon: Good. All we have to do is wait until Snake's asleep, tie him up, then gently carry him into the laundry and drown him in the washing machine.
Johnny: On which setting?
Otacon: Sixty degrees I think. Colourfast cottons.
Johnny: I like it. It's clever. It's quick. It's...
Otacon: Clean?
Johnny: Clean, yes.
Otacon: I'll meet you back here at two a.m.
(screen fades out; fades in, we see Snake and Johnny in conference)
Snake: ...And so we split the money fifty-fifty. Is that fair?
Johnny: Reckon it is, Snake.
Snake: Okay, here's the plan. We'll wait until he's asleep, then we creep into the living room and cut off his head and his legs with an electric carving knife.
Johnny: Then what?
Snake: We put his head in the freezer, and the rest of him in the fridge.
Johnny: Where in the fridge?
Snake: Good question - I like the way you're thinking. His body can go in the salad drawer, and his legs can go in that little milk carton holder on the inside of the door.
Johnny: With the milk.
Snake: With the milk, yes.
(pause)
Johnny: Where are we going to put the yoghurt?
Snake: The yoghurt can go on that little shelf at the bottom of the fridge.
Johnny: I thought his arms were going in there.
Snake: No, they're going in the salad compartment.
Johnny: What shall we do with the iceberg lettuce?
Snake: We'll put that in a little Tupperware container on the top shelf.
Johnny: Right.
Snake: I'll meet you back here at 2am...
(fade out; fade in, Johnny stands in the darkened living room holding the suitcase)
Johnny: Dum de dum...
(Otacon and Snake appear from either side of the room; one carrying a rope, the latter an electric carving knife. Suddenly, Johnny switches on the light)
Johnny: Hi, guys! Before everyone starts killing everyone else, I have some good news and some bad news.
Snake: What?
Johnny: The bad news is that all the cash is gone.
Otacon: Gone???
Johnny: I gave it to charity.
Snake: Charity??
Johnny: Yeah. I just couldn't bear to see it tearing us apart. Everyone was talking about killing everyone else. It was horrible. I just wanted us all to be friends again.
Otacon: Which charity?
Johnny: Oh, Emma was at the window rattling a tin for some charity or other. So I gave her the lot. She needed a hundred and fifty collection tins to stuff it all in.
Otacon: That thieving little bitch!
Johnny: Now, I think what is called for is a group hug to reaffirm our friendship. What do you think, guys?
(Snake and Otacon stare at each other for a moment, then leap upon Johnny and start beating him into a pulp)
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Solidus: That was far, far too long.
Raiden: Wang.
Solidus: Shut it.
Snake: So... that's about it...
Fortune: We still have to do their little selling out bit.
Liquid: Shit...
(cut to Otacon and Johnny, who are both standing next to a TV)
Otacon: Hi friends. We're here to advertise our new exercise videos.
Johnny: That we are!
Otacon: Shutup. Watch the tape...
(camera zooms in on the TV. On it, Otacon and Johnny are sitting on comfortable chairs)
Otacon: Alright guys, today we're doing sit-ups!
Johnny: Let's go!
Otacon: LIE DOWN!
Johnny: Sit up!
Otacon: LIE DOWN!
Johnny: Sit up!
Otacon: (picks up a pizza box, opens it and grabs a slice of pizza from inside) LIE DOWN!
Johnny: (grabs a piece of his own) Sit up!
Otacon: (chewing on pizza) Mwie lown!
Johnny: (also eating pizza) Gwit nup!
(camera zooms out, showing Otacon and Johnny standing next to the TV)
Otacon: Good stuff... buy many copies now!
(cut to everyone but Otacon and Johnny)
Snake: So, did we find out who killed Ocelot?
Holmes: Yes I did! It was none other then... (points finger at Olga) OLGA!
(police run in and grab Olga)
Snake: Now let's find out who you REALLY are... (grabs Olgas face and rips off a mask to reveal some old man)
Snake, Fortune, Raiden, Emma, and Solidus: MR.TURBULCIS?
Mr.Turbulcis: I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!
Solidus: Take him away, boys! (eats a huge sandwich)
Raiden: Grood rone Rhaggy.
Narrator: And thats it for this episode of Behind the Game. Join us next time for... ummm... leave a review and tell me who I've left out. I'll do 'em next time. Bye!