So, my friend Morgan and I were hanging around on the computer, when I had to take a shit.
So, I left for a second, and when I returned, I went on with my daily search for asian porn. (Note to self: Edit out all asian porn references)
Next day, I went onto my laptop, checked my e-mail and found this, from the author 'duofan', about a review I supposedly gave for her fic 'A Soldier's Life'. Here it is, with various comments inserted in [...]:
"Dear reader.
[The name's Simon, girly]
I understand that you didn't like my fanfic but you made me feel so deteriorating during my weekend at Mont Tremblant.
[I did what now?]
I'm pretty sure you are aware that even writers have editors and correctors to correct their works. So you shouldn't be critisizing people for their hard work even if mine didn't match your status of age.
[Yeah, I'm quite ancient compared to you young whipper-snappers]
Everybody has their own sense of humour and if you didn't understand any of my works. You shouldn't complain.
[I understood it perfectly! Did I complain? At least, I didn't TELL you my complaints...]
I read your fanfics earlier and I didn't even complain for your awful works of Metal Gear.
[Man, that burns. But wait, I admit mine are awful. Where's the insult?]
It is people like you that we invented the proverb: '' Avoir des batons dans les roues.''
[Hmm, French, eh? How about this for size: "Vous mangez la merde"]
I hope you understand this and that I will not have to interfere with you in the future.
[Ooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha going to do, come over to my place and kick my immature white arse?]
Duofan"
Only after I read this e-mail (and wrote my terrible comeback), I checked her reviews and found this lil' doozy, written by, apparently, me:
"The following is an attempt to express my feelings of this fiction without causing offence:
I @M +hE M0NK3Y! i W1pE MY SmEllY 4ND P00 C4kEd @R53 4LL oVER ThIS pi3C3 oF d0NkEY $h1+! I C4mE Up Wi+H bE+tEr Pl0t lIN35 Dur1n9 M4R4+h0n J3RK $E5$1ON$ +O +eh mOd3l$ IN THE 53@R5 c4TAlO9E! $H1+ p1$5 MCphUCk$4Lo+!
*cough* Well, that being said, I'll move onto my calm review.
First off, your spelling and grammatical errors make me cry. And not in a good way.
The humor is... flat, at times. The cat was a stroke of genious, and I'll give you that as a compliment.
All in all, I would rate this as three and a roast duck.
Follow the white rabbit."
As soon as I read 'Follow the white rabbit', I knew my friend Morgan wrote that review. But I agree about the cat. Man that cat rocks. I pity da foo' what don't like da cat what looks like Raiden.
So, I wrote her an e-mail that went something like this:
"oh, shit!
that wasn't actually me that reviewed your work.
my friend, morgan, uses my name to review stuff.
i am *so* sorry for any offence he may have caused. I'll try my best to remove it, if I can.
again, I sincerely apologise for any and all offence he has caused.
apologetically yours,
Simon Wolf"
But, I didn't MEAN any of those apologies. Maybe the first two, but after that, none of 'em were real apologies.
So, next day, after looking for asian porn, I found this lil' reply in my inbox:
"Apology accepted and tell your friend to be more carefull in the futur.
[Huh... so Morgan was right about the spelling and grammatical errors...]
Duofan"
And that's my story.
Then I had sex with one of my best female asian friends.
But that's a different story altogether.
The moral of this story is this: Never eat raspberries.
Your friend,
Simon Wolf
AKA That strange guy who pokes you with a stick in your sleep
So, I left for a second, and when I returned, I went on with my daily search for asian porn. (Note to self: Edit out all asian porn references)
Next day, I went onto my laptop, checked my e-mail and found this, from the author 'duofan', about a review I supposedly gave for her fic 'A Soldier's Life'. Here it is, with various comments inserted in [...]:
"Dear reader.
[The name's Simon, girly]
I understand that you didn't like my fanfic but you made me feel so deteriorating during my weekend at Mont Tremblant.
[I did what now?]
I'm pretty sure you are aware that even writers have editors and correctors to correct their works. So you shouldn't be critisizing people for their hard work even if mine didn't match your status of age.
[Yeah, I'm quite ancient compared to you young whipper-snappers]
Everybody has their own sense of humour and if you didn't understand any of my works. You shouldn't complain.
[I understood it perfectly! Did I complain? At least, I didn't TELL you my complaints...]
I read your fanfics earlier and I didn't even complain for your awful works of Metal Gear.
[Man, that burns. But wait, I admit mine are awful. Where's the insult?]
It is people like you that we invented the proverb: '' Avoir des batons dans les roues.''
[Hmm, French, eh? How about this for size: "Vous mangez la merde"]
I hope you understand this and that I will not have to interfere with you in the future.
[Ooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha going to do, come over to my place and kick my immature white arse?]
Duofan"
Only after I read this e-mail (and wrote my terrible comeback), I checked her reviews and found this lil' doozy, written by, apparently, me:
"The following is an attempt to express my feelings of this fiction without causing offence:
I @M +hE M0NK3Y! i W1pE MY SmEllY 4ND P00 C4kEd @R53 4LL oVER ThIS pi3C3 oF d0NkEY $h1+! I C4mE Up Wi+H bE+tEr Pl0t lIN35 Dur1n9 M4R4+h0n J3RK $E5$1ON$ +O +eh mOd3l$ IN THE 53@R5 c4TAlO9E! $H1+ p1$5 MCphUCk$4Lo+!
*cough* Well, that being said, I'll move onto my calm review.
First off, your spelling and grammatical errors make me cry. And not in a good way.
The humor is... flat, at times. The cat was a stroke of genious, and I'll give you that as a compliment.
All in all, I would rate this as three and a roast duck.
Follow the white rabbit."
As soon as I read 'Follow the white rabbit', I knew my friend Morgan wrote that review. But I agree about the cat. Man that cat rocks. I pity da foo' what don't like da cat what looks like Raiden.
So, I wrote her an e-mail that went something like this:
"oh, shit!
that wasn't actually me that reviewed your work.
my friend, morgan, uses my name to review stuff.
i am *so* sorry for any offence he may have caused. I'll try my best to remove it, if I can.
again, I sincerely apologise for any and all offence he has caused.
apologetically yours,
Simon Wolf"
But, I didn't MEAN any of those apologies. Maybe the first two, but after that, none of 'em were real apologies.
So, next day, after looking for asian porn, I found this lil' reply in my inbox:
"Apology accepted and tell your friend to be more carefull in the futur.
[Huh... so Morgan was right about the spelling and grammatical errors...]
Duofan"
And that's my story.
Then I had sex with one of my best female asian friends.
But that's a different story altogether.
The moral of this story is this: Never eat raspberries.
Your friend,
Simon Wolf
AKA That strange guy who pokes you with a stick in your sleep