Shade: Guys and gals, I am SO sorry for failing on my promise of delivering this last Sunday. Then again, I'm sorry you even read my stuff. Anyway, I've been kinda busy lately, and I'm kinda hoping on doing something with someone else, instead of doing this shit on my own. So, if you have any questions, comments, or offers to join me in writing a new fic, drop me a line at my main e-mail (you can check it on my bio).
Anyway, I've had many a sleepless night lately, so I realized this episode would be nothing but purely improvised crap. Then I remembered that that perfectly describes this shit.
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(we fade into Shade Wolf, the author, tied to a chair in front of masked members of the Metal Gear Solid Fanfiction community)
Shade: So, masked strangers, why am I here?
Masked #4: You're here because you're a lazy bastard who prefers to work on sprite comics then fanfiction.
Shade: Why are you here?
Masked #1: We're here because of your refusal to continue work on Behind The Game.
Shade: And...?
Masked #2: We're giving you an offer.
Shade: Oh? How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.
Masked #3: We have no time for Matrix parodies, Mr. Wolf. Your choice is this. Either continue work on Behind The Game...
Shade: Yes...?
Masked #4: (beckons at a baseball bat) Or we go inform the police about the tragic incident whereupon you had this baseball bat lodged in your scrotum.
Shade: Hmm...
Masked #1: Well?
Shade: Well, I do value my scrotum.
Masked #2: So, it's a deal.
Shade: Sure. Bring me a laptop.
(Masked #3 brings a laptop over, Notepad already running)
Shade: Good. But, show me your faces.
Masked #4: Right then.
(as they tear off their masks...)
WELCOME TO SIMON WOLFS COMPUTER
C:\Documents and Settings\wolfs\My Documents\Almost Nothing But Porn\Stuff That Isn't Porn\Stuff That Isn't Plans For Getting Some Action With A Porn Star\Metal Gear Solid Stuff\Crappy Fanfiction That Isn't Mei Ling Hentai\Behind The Game\Chapter 10\Run_Credits.exe
'Run Credits.exe' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
Blasted machine!
'Blasted Machine!' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
Urge to kill... rising...
Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
Part X
Narrator: Welcome to the tenth episode of Behind The Game MGS2, and possibly the last, as 21st Century Fox has cut our funding. In this episode, we present to you some failed 'spin-offs' on the series, with discussions about them by the cast. First up, the failed 'Vital Information with Solid Snake'...
(fade out; fade in on Solid Snake)
Snake: Welcome to Vital Information. Y'know, there are hundreds of times during the day when you should be playing Sons Of Liberty. Like red lights. Those things are red for at least a minute, there's one strut already!
(cut to Otacon playing on a computer)
Snake V/O: And when you're respawning in CounterStrike...
Otacon: (to computer) Alright, dead again! (reaches over and grabs his PS2 controller)
(cut to Snake and Sephiroth-02-01)
Snake V/O: And when you talk to someone REALLY boring.
Sephiroth-02-01: Well, I'm 15, Canadian, and an author on fanfiction.net.
Snake: (playing Sons Of Liberty, and ignoring Sephiroth-02-01) Yeah yeah, that's FASCINATING. Now where's that ration...
(cut to Snake)
Snake: There you have it. Three times you really should be playing Sons Of Liberty. Next weeks Vital Information is on things you really should be doing instead of talking to fanfiction writers.
(fade out; fade in on everyone)
Liquid: Heh heh heh, that was a total rip of something.
Raiden: Everything in Shade Wolf fics are ripped off something. Except that girl.
(cut to Blackraven)
Blackraven: (singing to a picture of Snakes wang) Did you ever know that you're my hero?
(A/N: Wang means penis.)
(cut back to everyone)
Solidus: Yep. That was not ripped.
Snake: My wang!
Otacon: Shut up about your wang.
Mei Ling: Remember ancient Chinese quote! "If you pull your wang out in public, make sure that it's warm."
Ocelot: What has to be warm?
Mei Ling: Uh... Ignorant gaijin! Do not ask the meaning of such quotes!
Ocelot: But I-
Mei Ling: Ancient secret!
Snake: Yeah. My wang does rock.
Narrator: But not everything was crap and about wangs. Some was aboot... the other part of the male genitalia. And leprechauns.
(cut to Snake and Otacon)
Snake: Man, I sure love St. Patricks day.
(Otacon, who is wearing a green labcoat, pinches Snake)
Snake: What was that for?!
Otacon: It's St. Patricks day. And you ain't wearing green.
Snake: My socks, genius. (pulls up leggings of suit to show green socks)
Otacon: Oh, ok. What does this mean?
(a leprechaun holding a pair of rusty hedge clippers pops up)
Leprechaun: Eet means I'm goin' to be needin' yer balls, me good lad.
(fade out; fade in to see Snake wearing a green sneaking suit, and Otacon wearing normal clothes)
Snake: Oh Otacon...
(Snake pinches Otacon)
Otacon: You shouldn't have done that... (pulls down pants to reveal green boxer shorts)
Snake: Oh.
(the leprechaun pops up, holding the hedgeclippers)
Snake: Aww, nuts.
Voice Over: That ends todays episode of 'Us And The Leprechauns'. Stay tuned for the terrible TV version of 'The Mis-Adventures Of Unit Foxhound'.
(cut to everyone)
Otacon: Did I even get paid for that?
Snake: Wasn't getting your balls back payment enough?
Otacon: Hold on... you got your balls back?
(long silence)
Fortune: So, what made up crap is on next?
Liquid: (reads a piece of paper) Uh, a parody of 'jackass' entitled 'lameass'.
Fortune: Lameass?
(cut to a black screen with 'lameass' in white printed on it. Then it cuts to Snake wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans)
Snake: Lameass, yeah!
(fade to everyone in an underground carpark)
Solidus: Yeah, I know Snake has only two fears. The first is going inside a garbage bin and being rolled down a huge incline inside an underground carpark. The second fear is having a midget shoved up his arse. So when we all came up to him and said he'd be going inside a garbage can and rolled down a carpark, it was like Liquid had come over with a midget and said "Hey, me and dwarfy here are going to have some fun."
(Snake, with a helmet on his head, is shoved inside a garbage can)
Snake: Woo, doing this for lameass!
V/O: But something has gone terribly wrong.
Snake: (writhing in pain on the ground) Oh god, guys, it's my funny bone, ow, it hurts! (tears streaming from his eyes)
(everyone else is backing away)
Snake: Oh man, it hurts, it hurts!
(cut to everyone)
Vamp: Heh heh heh... I enjoy pain.
Liquid: Yeah. But why'd they bring dwarfy into this?
Solidus: No idea.
Raiden: LAMEASS! WOO!
Rose: Uh, what's next?
Olga: Something like the first bit, except it explains things out.
Emma: Damn.
Snake: My line!
(cut to Snake in front of a pie chart)
Snake: Hi there. I'm that guy who's being over-used in this episode. Now then, welcome to 'Why Is That So?', a show where we answer various questions. First question comes from Kat UK who asks, "Dear Shade Wolf, why don't you update your fics more often?" An excellent question, Kat.
(points at pie chart)
Snake: The main reason is time. Shade's life is filled with all sorts of crap, as shown on this sophisticated chart here. As you can see, 5% of his time is taken up by school, 5% is eating and going poopies, and 80% is taken up by looking for asian porn. The other 10% is spent spending money he steals from old women.
(fade to Shade sleeping on his laptop)
Snake V/O: All of this leaves him very tired when it comes time to write some fanfiction for the hungry masses. But he also has a second job. For he is...
(fade to Shade standing on a rooftop, his silhouette against the moon. We zoom in, and we see him wearing a ninja suit)
Snake V/O: IPPIKIOOKAMI! Defender of the poor, attacker of the masses and preserver of insanity. If he was writing fanfiction all the time, who would defend us from evil? The Swiss Navy? I think not.
(fade to Snake standing next to Shade in his ninja costume)
Snake: That, and he's a lazy bastard.
Shade: You know Snake? You of course can go fuck yourself.
(cut to everyone)
Ronin: Yep, that was another self-referential piece of shit used to fill in space.
Battleshield: AHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! (bashes Ronin over the head with a baseball bat)
Ronin: Damn you Darkness In The Light! (runs away)
Ocelot: (smoking a cigarette) Dear God, the authour needs help.
Raiden: Like a cameo from another author, who we proceed to insult and hopefully make out with?
Ocelot: Hmm... yes.
Fatman: Remember that time when we made fun of, like, every reviewer we have?
Raiden: All I can remember is Mike Meechans soft, moist lips caressing my own, my sweet vanilla breath mixed with his tangy odour. Oh, I remember that night we spent together in Morocco, not a care in the world, where we made love under the moonlight and wrote sonnets to each other under the gaze of the evil hamster overlords.
(long silence)
Solidus: So, uh, has anyone here though about, you know, if aliens existed, could humans have sex with 'em?
Snake: WHAT?! The Galgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth! Do you really expect us to have sex with that?!
(long silence number three)
Snake: You guys suck.
Narrator: But not all of it was about insulting Mike Meechan. Some was about... insulting another authour.
(cut to Shade)
Shade: Well, as most fanfiction does, it's time to read out a review. Here's an edited one from Pablosky *ahem*... 'Great chapter Shade. I want you to put me in as a cameo, as you did with Blackraven.' And who am I to object?
(camera pans to Pablosky tied up to a chair, a bag over his head)
Shade: Well it's your lucky day, Pablosky! We've gotten some of the best hired goo- Er... I mean, welcome crew to bring you here with us.
Pablosky: (gun beside his head) What the hell?! Where am I?! What are you poking me with?!
Shade: Now today you'll be starring alongside a new character around here. Meet Major Payne!
(a huge man wearing a gimps outfit walks onstage)
Payne: Mrrrr...
Pablosky: WHAT?! WHO'S TALKING?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!
Shade: Relax, I'm just kidding Pablosky. He's not really a major. No, I think they kicked him out of the army for various reasons. Something about being a masochist. I'm a little fuzzy on the details...
Payne: (looks down at Pablosky) MMMMM!
Pablosky: WHAT?!?
Shade: Now you two have fun in rehearsal! (turns to camera and points at the readers) So, ANYONE ELSE WANT A CAMEO?!
TheFluffyOne: Well, I was going to ask, but I think I'll pass.
Pablosky O/C: Oh God what are you DOING?! THAT DOESN'T FIT THERE!!! YEEEARGH!!! Oooh... a little to the left, oh yeah...
Payne O/C: Mmmmm...
(cut to everyone)
Vamp: Ah, classic.
Raiden: Guys, did you read that bit at the start about this possibly being the very last episode of this show?!
Liquid: Yeah. Seeing this show go brings that feeling into me. Know what I mean?
Snake: Yeah, it's that feeling you get when you see this really hot chick naked and up close, and you don't exactly get with her, but have her watch while you whack off.
(long silence numero four)
Liquid: Actually, I'm ready to leave this show after that little comment.
Snake: And now for a skit about Satan. Exxxcellent. Yet again, I'm very overused.
(cut to the kitchen. Fatman and Emma are talking)
Emma: Can I ask you a personal question?
Fatman: Ja.
Emma: How did you lose your hair?
Fatman: Well, if you must know, I lost them in a card game.
Emma: What?
Fatman: I bet all my hair on a pair of fours.
Emma: Jesus. What kind of degenerate card player would call in a bet like that?
(Snake wanders in)
Snake: Er... That would be me.
Emma: Snake?
Snake: What?
Emma: You are a complete bastard.
Snake: Oh. Thanks very much.
Emma: Don't mention it.
Fatman: Anyone fancy a game of strip poker?
(fade out; fade in to see Snake walking around in circles while Otacon tries to read a book)
Snake: "Amen ever and ever for glory the and… amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."
(Otacon glances up at Snake)
Otacon: Excuse me… What are you doing?
Snake: What does it sound like? I am reciting the Lord's prayer backwards in order to conjure up the devil.
Otacon: Oh good, because for a moment I thought you might be doing something incredibly stupid…
Snake: I'm bored. "Amen ever and ever..."
Otacon: Stop it!
Snake: What?
Otacon: For fuck's sake stop it! Have you any idea what will happen if you conjure up Satan?
Snake: No. That's why I'm doing it. . "Amen ever and ever..."
Otacon: You are tampering with dark forces that are way beyond your understanding. You are dealing with Beelzebub! The Beast! The Horned Son of The Jackal. The Anti-Christ! You are unleashing evil on a scale that is unimaginable!
(pause)
Snake: "Amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."
Otacon: Stop it! For God's sake stop it!
Snake: Will you fuck off! You never want me to have any fun. And would you mind moving over there.
Otacon: Why?
Snake: You're in my pentangle.
Otacon: Oh, sorry. Trevor, don't you realise that you may be condemning yourself to an eternity burning in the fiery furnaces of Hell?
Snake: Not necessarily.
Otacon: What do you mean?
(Snake reveals a crude diagram from under the table)
Snake: Well, I have here a flow-chart showing the various levels of Hell. Think of it as a sort of run-down Trust House Forte Hotel.
Otacon: Hotel…
Snake: Up here on the second floor you've got yer un-baptized, enjoying natural bliss, undercooked junk food and the occasional Jacuzzi.
Otacon: Yes...
Snake: Here on the first floor you've got yer "in limbo" brigade: those who died before the birth of Christ, those awaiting redemption, oh and independent financial advisors. In the ground floor lobby and bar you've got yer minor offences. Aggravated burglary, parking tickets, that sort of thing.
Otacon: Uh huh?
Snake: And down here in the basement you've got yer place of agonising punishment for all mortals who die unrepentant of serious sin... Oh, and for people who work in HR departments.
Otacon: I see.
Snake: Now, you will notice that I do not qualify for any of these categories.
Otacon: Not technically, no. But that doesn't mean that you will escape purgatory.
Snake: Well, according to the Second Council of Constantinople in 553AD, I think you'll find it does!
Otacon: But what about the more radical thinkers of the Renaissance?
Snake: Fuck 'em!
(Raiden bounces in)
Raiden: Hey guys! What's happening?
Otacon: Trevor seems intent on inviting Satan The Prince of Darkness into our home.
(pause)
Raiden: Well, it'll be nice to have a new face around here. Shall I set another place for dinner?
Snake: Good idea!
(fade out; fade in to see Emma sitting on a toilet)
Emma: I've had another letter from my boyfriend Vince. He stowed away on the overnight steam packet to Marseilles a couple of weeks ago. Now he's living in a smoked-filled attic room above a commune of alcoholic post-impressionists in Montmartre. Last time he did this he was away for 4 years. He came back with 53 giant canvasses of Sacre Coeur, an articulated lorry full of Boursin and a lifetime addiction to Beaujolais Nouveau. When Vince comes back I'm going to kill him by feeding him with moule, dredged from the Thames next to the raw sewage pipes at Chatham Docks…
(fade out; fade in to see Snake walking up to Emma)
Snake: Excuse me…
Emma: What?
Snake: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?
Emma: How?
Snake: Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.
Emma: Go on...
Snake: Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?
Emma: Can I have a few moments to think about it?
Snake: Sure. Take as long as you like.
Emma: Hmmmmm. No.
Snake: Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?
Emma: Yes.
Snake: Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.
Emma: Don't mention it.
(Snake begins to exit, then...)
Snake: I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?
Emma: What on earth for?
Snake: I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...
(A/N: Yes, this bit was in The League. It's all part of a lil' script I wrote for drama.)
(fade out; fade in to see Solidus and Mantis talking)
Solidus: ...and of course Alice Cooper used to bite the heads off live chickens.
Mantis: Ugh! That's revolting!
Solidus: Britney Spears nicked the idea.
Mantis: Really?
Solidus: Yes. She'd been doing the chicken eating thing in her act since she was eleven.
Mantis: Britney Spears doesn't really bite the heads off chickens, does she?
Solidus: No, not really.
(pause)
Solidus: She uses pigeons.
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Otacon standing in the kitchen. The kitchen itself is filled with candles)
Snake: I don't understand it. I've said the Lord's Prayer backwards about fifty times now, and The Devil hasn't shown up yet.
Otacon: (humouring Snake) Perhaps you're missing something.
Snake: Like what?
Otacon: Sufficient brain activity to power a forty watt bulb?
Snake: I've sworn homage and obedience to Satan. I've got me candles. I've anointed myself with magical oil... And I've got the number 666 tattooed on the back of my head!
Otacon: Let me see.
(Otacon stares at the back of Snakes head)
Otacon: You cocksucker, it doesn't say 666. It says 999.
Snake: Fuck.
Otacon: You've got more chance of summoning a British paramedic than The Lord of Darkness...
Snake: I'll murder that tattooist.
Otacon: So, what do you plan to do now?
Snake: Well, according to Ezekiel 38, we must now await the arrival of Gog and Magog.
Otacon: Gog?
Snake: Two great hostile powers controlled by Satan that will appear just before the end of the world.
Otacon: What form do these two demons Gog and Magog take?
Snake: Well, I'm not absolutely sure, but I think Magog manifests himself in the form of a dense, eerie mist.
Otacon: A fog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Magog is a fog.
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: And Gog?
Snake: Gog appears as the Hound of Satan.
Otacon: A dog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Gog is a dog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Gog is a fog, and Magog is a dog.
Snake: No. Magog is a fog, and Gog is a dog. Revelation Verse 103. In later Rabbinic literature, Gog is also identified as "The Sow of Beelzebub".
Otacon: In other words, a hog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Gog is a hog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: But you said Gog was a dog. Is Gog a hog or a dog?
Snake: Now I'm confused.
Otacon: Magog is a fog, and Gog is either a hog or a dog? And where do these accursed creatures live?
Snake: L.A.
Otacon: *sigh* So, when do you expect the devil to turn up?
Snake: Should be any minute now...
(fade out; fade in to see all of the candles pretty much burned to nothing.)
Snake: Well, I expect he's got a lot of things to do a Friday night.
Otacon: Like what?
Snake: Well, like plotting the downfall of Western civilisation?
Otacon: Yes...
Snake: Vandalising a cemetery, communing with a thousand angry demons? I believe he has been known to "copulate with a hyena"?
Otacon: On the other hand, he might have just popped down the bar to pick up some cheap slut.
(fade out; fade in on Raiden sitting on the couch)
Raiden: Beelzebub is a welcome guest in the homes of many top celebrities. Film actor Tom Cruise, for example, regularly makes human sacrifices on a specially built alter at his beach house. Leonardo Di Caprio feasts on the blood of young Filipino virgins, and Cher has a vast bottomless pit of fire in her guest bedroom. No-one really knows what The Devil looks like. Some say that he has the upper torso of a man, and the legs and genitalia of a hideous and deformed goat. Others say he looks like John Travolta. I think I once saw Satan buying a copy of FHM at a local newstand. But I might have been mistaken. It could have been Playboy... I think there's a little bit of the devil living inside all of us. At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me. They also tell me to drink my own urine?
(fade out; fade in on Emma and Raiden standing next to a fishbowl. The fish itself is very dead, though Raiden seems oblivious to this)
Raiden: I've been thinking.
Emma: Mm?
Raiden: About our little fishy friend.
Emma: Hmm?
Raiden: Well, I was wondering if we should get him baptised?
Emma: Baptised?
Raiden: Ja. In order to protect his little soul from the forces of evil.
(pause)
Emma: Are you sure it isn't a little late for that?
Raiden: What do you mean?
Emma: Well, I haven't seen him move for about six weeks now.
(pause)
Raiden: Sssssshhhhhh! He's asleep.
Emma: (humouring Raiden) Yes of course he is. (pause) I wonder how we might go about baptising a goldfish?
Raiden: I'll go look it up on the internet...
(fade out; fade in to hear the sound of a low growling mixed with the speeded-up voices of a million tortured souls. Snakes head is revolving at a very high speed)
Otacon: Will you stop doing that!
(Snake stops)
Snake: Sorry.
(there is a crash of thunder. Snake and Otacon look up and begin trembling with fear)
Otacon: Well, I hope you are pleased with yourself! You have conjured up the Dark Lord.
Snake: I thought he'd be taller.
Otacon: What was the missing ingredient in your spell?
Snake: A turnip.
Otacon: A turnip? A TURNIP??? You are saying that Satan is attracted by certain root vegetables?
Snake: Particularly turnips, yeah. It goes back to the Middle Ages apparently.
Otacon: And what do you suggest we do now?
Snake: Well, I suggest that you wait in here and keep an eye on Beelzebub.
Otacon: And where will you be?
Snake: I'll be in the kitchen...
Otacon: Doing what?
Snake: Copulating with a hyena...
(fade out; fade in on Raiden standing over the dead fish bowl)
Raiden: We thank you for the water of baptism, which refreshes and cleanses the goldfish bowl of life... Through water you led the little fishes from captivity to freedom in the promised land. Therefore, I baptise you, little fishy friend in the name of the Father, the son and-
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(cut to Shade on a couch, surrounded by hot scantily-clad women)
Shade: Yep, that's it, I believe. In the famous words of some guy I never really liked, 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' Now it's time for me to have my daily all over body rub.
(Shade gets up and pulls a random book of a huge bookshelf. The book is entitled 'A History Of Porn, Volume 1')
Shade: (to camera) But is this really the end of Behind The Game? At my current rate, yes. But with enough support, perhaps I can pump this crap out more often. But this one has more or less lost it's touch, so I'm looking for new ideas.
(Shade shoves the book down his pants and proceeds to walk past 'Asian Porn Film Studios')
Shade: And what happens now? As I stated at the start of the episode, I really want to do a shared fic with someone. Anyone. I'd do a fic with Princess Serenity if I had to!
(horde of fanfiction writers appear)
Horde Member 1: BURN THE BLASPHEMER!
Horde Member 2: HE SPEAKS IN UNHOLY TONGUES!!!
Shade: I was kidding. Really. But seirously, if you want to do anything with me, apart from sex, unless you're really hot, and a female, drop me a line. Ok? Thanks.
Anyway, I've had many a sleepless night lately, so I realized this episode would be nothing but purely improvised crap. Then I remembered that that perfectly describes this shit.
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(we fade into Shade Wolf, the author, tied to a chair in front of masked members of the Metal Gear Solid Fanfiction community)
Shade: So, masked strangers, why am I here?
Masked #4: You're here because you're a lazy bastard who prefers to work on sprite comics then fanfiction.
Shade: Why are you here?
Masked #1: We're here because of your refusal to continue work on Behind The Game.
Shade: And...?
Masked #2: We're giving you an offer.
Shade: Oh? How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.
Masked #3: We have no time for Matrix parodies, Mr. Wolf. Your choice is this. Either continue work on Behind The Game...
Shade: Yes...?
Masked #4: (beckons at a baseball bat) Or we go inform the police about the tragic incident whereupon you had this baseball bat lodged in your scrotum.
Shade: Hmm...
Masked #1: Well?
Shade: Well, I do value my scrotum.
Masked #2: So, it's a deal.
Shade: Sure. Bring me a laptop.
(Masked #3 brings a laptop over, Notepad already running)
Shade: Good. But, show me your faces.
Masked #4: Right then.
(as they tear off their masks...)
WELCOME TO SIMON WOLFS COMPUTER
C:\Documents and Settings\wolfs\My Documents\Almost Nothing But Porn\Stuff That Isn't Porn\Stuff That Isn't Plans For Getting Some Action With A Porn Star\Metal Gear Solid Stuff\Crappy Fanfiction That Isn't Mei Ling Hentai\Behind The Game\Chapter 10\Run_Credits.exe
'Run Credits.exe' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
Blasted machine!
'Blasted Machine!' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file.
Urge to kill... rising...
Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
Part X
Narrator: Welcome to the tenth episode of Behind The Game MGS2, and possibly the last, as 21st Century Fox has cut our funding. In this episode, we present to you some failed 'spin-offs' on the series, with discussions about them by the cast. First up, the failed 'Vital Information with Solid Snake'...
(fade out; fade in on Solid Snake)
Snake: Welcome to Vital Information. Y'know, there are hundreds of times during the day when you should be playing Sons Of Liberty. Like red lights. Those things are red for at least a minute, there's one strut already!
(cut to Otacon playing on a computer)
Snake V/O: And when you're respawning in CounterStrike...
Otacon: (to computer) Alright, dead again! (reaches over and grabs his PS2 controller)
(cut to Snake and Sephiroth-02-01)
Snake V/O: And when you talk to someone REALLY boring.
Sephiroth-02-01: Well, I'm 15, Canadian, and an author on fanfiction.net.
Snake: (playing Sons Of Liberty, and ignoring Sephiroth-02-01) Yeah yeah, that's FASCINATING. Now where's that ration...
(cut to Snake)
Snake: There you have it. Three times you really should be playing Sons Of Liberty. Next weeks Vital Information is on things you really should be doing instead of talking to fanfiction writers.
(fade out; fade in on everyone)
Liquid: Heh heh heh, that was a total rip of something.
Raiden: Everything in Shade Wolf fics are ripped off something. Except that girl.
(cut to Blackraven)
Blackraven: (singing to a picture of Snakes wang) Did you ever know that you're my hero?
(A/N: Wang means penis.)
(cut back to everyone)
Solidus: Yep. That was not ripped.
Snake: My wang!
Otacon: Shut up about your wang.
Mei Ling: Remember ancient Chinese quote! "If you pull your wang out in public, make sure that it's warm."
Ocelot: What has to be warm?
Mei Ling: Uh... Ignorant gaijin! Do not ask the meaning of such quotes!
Ocelot: But I-
Mei Ling: Ancient secret!
Snake: Yeah. My wang does rock.
Narrator: But not everything was crap and about wangs. Some was aboot... the other part of the male genitalia. And leprechauns.
(cut to Snake and Otacon)
Snake: Man, I sure love St. Patricks day.
(Otacon, who is wearing a green labcoat, pinches Snake)
Snake: What was that for?!
Otacon: It's St. Patricks day. And you ain't wearing green.
Snake: My socks, genius. (pulls up leggings of suit to show green socks)
Otacon: Oh, ok. What does this mean?
(a leprechaun holding a pair of rusty hedge clippers pops up)
Leprechaun: Eet means I'm goin' to be needin' yer balls, me good lad.
(fade out; fade in to see Snake wearing a green sneaking suit, and Otacon wearing normal clothes)
Snake: Oh Otacon...
(Snake pinches Otacon)
Otacon: You shouldn't have done that... (pulls down pants to reveal green boxer shorts)
Snake: Oh.
(the leprechaun pops up, holding the hedgeclippers)
Snake: Aww, nuts.
Voice Over: That ends todays episode of 'Us And The Leprechauns'. Stay tuned for the terrible TV version of 'The Mis-Adventures Of Unit Foxhound'.
(cut to everyone)
Otacon: Did I even get paid for that?
Snake: Wasn't getting your balls back payment enough?
Otacon: Hold on... you got your balls back?
(long silence)
Fortune: So, what made up crap is on next?
Liquid: (reads a piece of paper) Uh, a parody of 'jackass' entitled 'lameass'.
Fortune: Lameass?
(cut to a black screen with 'lameass' in white printed on it. Then it cuts to Snake wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans)
Snake: Lameass, yeah!
(fade to everyone in an underground carpark)
Solidus: Yeah, I know Snake has only two fears. The first is going inside a garbage bin and being rolled down a huge incline inside an underground carpark. The second fear is having a midget shoved up his arse. So when we all came up to him and said he'd be going inside a garbage can and rolled down a carpark, it was like Liquid had come over with a midget and said "Hey, me and dwarfy here are going to have some fun."
(Snake, with a helmet on his head, is shoved inside a garbage can)
Snake: Woo, doing this for lameass!
V/O: But something has gone terribly wrong.
Snake: (writhing in pain on the ground) Oh god, guys, it's my funny bone, ow, it hurts! (tears streaming from his eyes)
(everyone else is backing away)
Snake: Oh man, it hurts, it hurts!
(cut to everyone)
Vamp: Heh heh heh... I enjoy pain.
Liquid: Yeah. But why'd they bring dwarfy into this?
Solidus: No idea.
Raiden: LAMEASS! WOO!
Rose: Uh, what's next?
Olga: Something like the first bit, except it explains things out.
Emma: Damn.
Snake: My line!
(cut to Snake in front of a pie chart)
Snake: Hi there. I'm that guy who's being over-used in this episode. Now then, welcome to 'Why Is That So?', a show where we answer various questions. First question comes from Kat UK who asks, "Dear Shade Wolf, why don't you update your fics more often?" An excellent question, Kat.
(points at pie chart)
Snake: The main reason is time. Shade's life is filled with all sorts of crap, as shown on this sophisticated chart here. As you can see, 5% of his time is taken up by school, 5% is eating and going poopies, and 80% is taken up by looking for asian porn. The other 10% is spent spending money he steals from old women.
(fade to Shade sleeping on his laptop)
Snake V/O: All of this leaves him very tired when it comes time to write some fanfiction for the hungry masses. But he also has a second job. For he is...
(fade to Shade standing on a rooftop, his silhouette against the moon. We zoom in, and we see him wearing a ninja suit)
Snake V/O: IPPIKIOOKAMI! Defender of the poor, attacker of the masses and preserver of insanity. If he was writing fanfiction all the time, who would defend us from evil? The Swiss Navy? I think not.
(fade to Snake standing next to Shade in his ninja costume)
Snake: That, and he's a lazy bastard.
Shade: You know Snake? You of course can go fuck yourself.
(cut to everyone)
Ronin: Yep, that was another self-referential piece of shit used to fill in space.
Battleshield: AHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! (bashes Ronin over the head with a baseball bat)
Ronin: Damn you Darkness In The Light! (runs away)
Ocelot: (smoking a cigarette) Dear God, the authour needs help.
Raiden: Like a cameo from another author, who we proceed to insult and hopefully make out with?
Ocelot: Hmm... yes.
Fatman: Remember that time when we made fun of, like, every reviewer we have?
Raiden: All I can remember is Mike Meechans soft, moist lips caressing my own, my sweet vanilla breath mixed with his tangy odour. Oh, I remember that night we spent together in Morocco, not a care in the world, where we made love under the moonlight and wrote sonnets to each other under the gaze of the evil hamster overlords.
(long silence)
Solidus: So, uh, has anyone here though about, you know, if aliens existed, could humans have sex with 'em?
Snake: WHAT?! The Galgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth! Do you really expect us to have sex with that?!
(long silence number three)
Snake: You guys suck.
Narrator: But not all of it was about insulting Mike Meechan. Some was about... insulting another authour.
(cut to Shade)
Shade: Well, as most fanfiction does, it's time to read out a review. Here's an edited one from Pablosky *ahem*... 'Great chapter Shade. I want you to put me in as a cameo, as you did with Blackraven.' And who am I to object?
(camera pans to Pablosky tied up to a chair, a bag over his head)
Shade: Well it's your lucky day, Pablosky! We've gotten some of the best hired goo- Er... I mean, welcome crew to bring you here with us.
Pablosky: (gun beside his head) What the hell?! Where am I?! What are you poking me with?!
Shade: Now today you'll be starring alongside a new character around here. Meet Major Payne!
(a huge man wearing a gimps outfit walks onstage)
Payne: Mrrrr...
Pablosky: WHAT?! WHO'S TALKING?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!
Shade: Relax, I'm just kidding Pablosky. He's not really a major. No, I think they kicked him out of the army for various reasons. Something about being a masochist. I'm a little fuzzy on the details...
Payne: (looks down at Pablosky) MMMMM!
Pablosky: WHAT?!?
Shade: Now you two have fun in rehearsal! (turns to camera and points at the readers) So, ANYONE ELSE WANT A CAMEO?!
TheFluffyOne: Well, I was going to ask, but I think I'll pass.
Pablosky O/C: Oh God what are you DOING?! THAT DOESN'T FIT THERE!!! YEEEARGH!!! Oooh... a little to the left, oh yeah...
Payne O/C: Mmmmm...
(cut to everyone)
Vamp: Ah, classic.
Raiden: Guys, did you read that bit at the start about this possibly being the very last episode of this show?!
Liquid: Yeah. Seeing this show go brings that feeling into me. Know what I mean?
Snake: Yeah, it's that feeling you get when you see this really hot chick naked and up close, and you don't exactly get with her, but have her watch while you whack off.
(long silence numero four)
Liquid: Actually, I'm ready to leave this show after that little comment.
Snake: And now for a skit about Satan. Exxxcellent. Yet again, I'm very overused.
(cut to the kitchen. Fatman and Emma are talking)
Emma: Can I ask you a personal question?
Fatman: Ja.
Emma: How did you lose your hair?
Fatman: Well, if you must know, I lost them in a card game.
Emma: What?
Fatman: I bet all my hair on a pair of fours.
Emma: Jesus. What kind of degenerate card player would call in a bet like that?
(Snake wanders in)
Snake: Er... That would be me.
Emma: Snake?
Snake: What?
Emma: You are a complete bastard.
Snake: Oh. Thanks very much.
Emma: Don't mention it.
Fatman: Anyone fancy a game of strip poker?
(fade out; fade in to see Snake walking around in circles while Otacon tries to read a book)
Snake: "Amen ever and ever for glory the and… amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."
(Otacon glances up at Snake)
Otacon: Excuse me… What are you doing?
Snake: What does it sound like? I am reciting the Lord's prayer backwards in order to conjure up the devil.
Otacon: Oh good, because for a moment I thought you might be doing something incredibly stupid…
Snake: I'm bored. "Amen ever and ever..."
Otacon: Stop it!
Snake: What?
Otacon: For fuck's sake stop it! Have you any idea what will happen if you conjure up Satan?
Snake: No. That's why I'm doing it. . "Amen ever and ever..."
Otacon: You are tampering with dark forces that are way beyond your understanding. You are dealing with Beelzebub! The Beast! The Horned Son of The Jackal. The Anti-Christ! You are unleashing evil on a scale that is unimaginable!
(pause)
Snake: "Amen ever and ever for glory the and power..."
Otacon: Stop it! For God's sake stop it!
Snake: Will you fuck off! You never want me to have any fun. And would you mind moving over there.
Otacon: Why?
Snake: You're in my pentangle.
Otacon: Oh, sorry. Trevor, don't you realise that you may be condemning yourself to an eternity burning in the fiery furnaces of Hell?
Snake: Not necessarily.
Otacon: What do you mean?
(Snake reveals a crude diagram from under the table)
Snake: Well, I have here a flow-chart showing the various levels of Hell. Think of it as a sort of run-down Trust House Forte Hotel.
Otacon: Hotel…
Snake: Up here on the second floor you've got yer un-baptized, enjoying natural bliss, undercooked junk food and the occasional Jacuzzi.
Otacon: Yes...
Snake: Here on the first floor you've got yer "in limbo" brigade: those who died before the birth of Christ, those awaiting redemption, oh and independent financial advisors. In the ground floor lobby and bar you've got yer minor offences. Aggravated burglary, parking tickets, that sort of thing.
Otacon: Uh huh?
Snake: And down here in the basement you've got yer place of agonising punishment for all mortals who die unrepentant of serious sin... Oh, and for people who work in HR departments.
Otacon: I see.
Snake: Now, you will notice that I do not qualify for any of these categories.
Otacon: Not technically, no. But that doesn't mean that you will escape purgatory.
Snake: Well, according to the Second Council of Constantinople in 553AD, I think you'll find it does!
Otacon: But what about the more radical thinkers of the Renaissance?
Snake: Fuck 'em!
(Raiden bounces in)
Raiden: Hey guys! What's happening?
Otacon: Trevor seems intent on inviting Satan The Prince of Darkness into our home.
(pause)
Raiden: Well, it'll be nice to have a new face around here. Shall I set another place for dinner?
Snake: Good idea!
(fade out; fade in to see Emma sitting on a toilet)
Emma: I've had another letter from my boyfriend Vince. He stowed away on the overnight steam packet to Marseilles a couple of weeks ago. Now he's living in a smoked-filled attic room above a commune of alcoholic post-impressionists in Montmartre. Last time he did this he was away for 4 years. He came back with 53 giant canvasses of Sacre Coeur, an articulated lorry full of Boursin and a lifetime addiction to Beaujolais Nouveau. When Vince comes back I'm going to kill him by feeding him with moule, dredged from the Thames next to the raw sewage pipes at Chatham Docks…
(fade out; fade in to see Snake walking up to Emma)
Snake: Excuse me…
Emma: What?
Snake: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?
Emma: How?
Snake: Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.
Emma: Go on...
Snake: Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?
Emma: Can I have a few moments to think about it?
Snake: Sure. Take as long as you like.
Emma: Hmmmmm. No.
Snake: Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?
Emma: Yes.
Snake: Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.
Emma: Don't mention it.
(Snake begins to exit, then...)
Snake: I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?
Emma: What on earth for?
Snake: I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...
(A/N: Yes, this bit was in The League. It's all part of a lil' script I wrote for drama.)
(fade out; fade in to see Solidus and Mantis talking)
Solidus: ...and of course Alice Cooper used to bite the heads off live chickens.
Mantis: Ugh! That's revolting!
Solidus: Britney Spears nicked the idea.
Mantis: Really?
Solidus: Yes. She'd been doing the chicken eating thing in her act since she was eleven.
Mantis: Britney Spears doesn't really bite the heads off chickens, does she?
Solidus: No, not really.
(pause)
Solidus: She uses pigeons.
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Otacon standing in the kitchen. The kitchen itself is filled with candles)
Snake: I don't understand it. I've said the Lord's Prayer backwards about fifty times now, and The Devil hasn't shown up yet.
Otacon: (humouring Snake) Perhaps you're missing something.
Snake: Like what?
Otacon: Sufficient brain activity to power a forty watt bulb?
Snake: I've sworn homage and obedience to Satan. I've got me candles. I've anointed myself with magical oil... And I've got the number 666 tattooed on the back of my head!
Otacon: Let me see.
(Otacon stares at the back of Snakes head)
Otacon: You cocksucker, it doesn't say 666. It says 999.
Snake: Fuck.
Otacon: You've got more chance of summoning a British paramedic than The Lord of Darkness...
Snake: I'll murder that tattooist.
Otacon: So, what do you plan to do now?
Snake: Well, according to Ezekiel 38, we must now await the arrival of Gog and Magog.
Otacon: Gog?
Snake: Two great hostile powers controlled by Satan that will appear just before the end of the world.
Otacon: What form do these two demons Gog and Magog take?
Snake: Well, I'm not absolutely sure, but I think Magog manifests himself in the form of a dense, eerie mist.
Otacon: A fog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Magog is a fog.
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: And Gog?
Snake: Gog appears as the Hound of Satan.
Otacon: A dog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Gog is a dog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Gog is a fog, and Magog is a dog.
Snake: No. Magog is a fog, and Gog is a dog. Revelation Verse 103. In later Rabbinic literature, Gog is also identified as "The Sow of Beelzebub".
Otacon: In other words, a hog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: Gog is a hog?
Snake: Yeah.
Otacon: But you said Gog was a dog. Is Gog a hog or a dog?
Snake: Now I'm confused.
Otacon: Magog is a fog, and Gog is either a hog or a dog? And where do these accursed creatures live?
Snake: L.A.
Otacon: *sigh* So, when do you expect the devil to turn up?
Snake: Should be any minute now...
(fade out; fade in to see all of the candles pretty much burned to nothing.)
Snake: Well, I expect he's got a lot of things to do a Friday night.
Otacon: Like what?
Snake: Well, like plotting the downfall of Western civilisation?
Otacon: Yes...
Snake: Vandalising a cemetery, communing with a thousand angry demons? I believe he has been known to "copulate with a hyena"?
Otacon: On the other hand, he might have just popped down the bar to pick up some cheap slut.
(fade out; fade in on Raiden sitting on the couch)
Raiden: Beelzebub is a welcome guest in the homes of many top celebrities. Film actor Tom Cruise, for example, regularly makes human sacrifices on a specially built alter at his beach house. Leonardo Di Caprio feasts on the blood of young Filipino virgins, and Cher has a vast bottomless pit of fire in her guest bedroom. No-one really knows what The Devil looks like. Some say that he has the upper torso of a man, and the legs and genitalia of a hideous and deformed goat. Others say he looks like John Travolta. I think I once saw Satan buying a copy of FHM at a local newstand. But I might have been mistaken. It could have been Playboy... I think there's a little bit of the devil living inside all of us. At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me. They also tell me to drink my own urine?
(fade out; fade in on Emma and Raiden standing next to a fishbowl. The fish itself is very dead, though Raiden seems oblivious to this)
Raiden: I've been thinking.
Emma: Mm?
Raiden: About our little fishy friend.
Emma: Hmm?
Raiden: Well, I was wondering if we should get him baptised?
Emma: Baptised?
Raiden: Ja. In order to protect his little soul from the forces of evil.
(pause)
Emma: Are you sure it isn't a little late for that?
Raiden: What do you mean?
Emma: Well, I haven't seen him move for about six weeks now.
(pause)
Raiden: Sssssshhhhhh! He's asleep.
Emma: (humouring Raiden) Yes of course he is. (pause) I wonder how we might go about baptising a goldfish?
Raiden: I'll go look it up on the internet...
(fade out; fade in to hear the sound of a low growling mixed with the speeded-up voices of a million tortured souls. Snakes head is revolving at a very high speed)
Otacon: Will you stop doing that!
(Snake stops)
Snake: Sorry.
(there is a crash of thunder. Snake and Otacon look up and begin trembling with fear)
Otacon: Well, I hope you are pleased with yourself! You have conjured up the Dark Lord.
Snake: I thought he'd be taller.
Otacon: What was the missing ingredient in your spell?
Snake: A turnip.
Otacon: A turnip? A TURNIP??? You are saying that Satan is attracted by certain root vegetables?
Snake: Particularly turnips, yeah. It goes back to the Middle Ages apparently.
Otacon: And what do you suggest we do now?
Snake: Well, I suggest that you wait in here and keep an eye on Beelzebub.
Otacon: And where will you be?
Snake: I'll be in the kitchen...
Otacon: Doing what?
Snake: Copulating with a hyena...
(fade out; fade in on Raiden standing over the dead fish bowl)
Raiden: We thank you for the water of baptism, which refreshes and cleanses the goldfish bowl of life... Through water you led the little fishes from captivity to freedom in the promised land. Therefore, I baptise you, little fishy friend in the name of the Father, the son and-
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(cut to Shade on a couch, surrounded by hot scantily-clad women)
Shade: Yep, that's it, I believe. In the famous words of some guy I never really liked, 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' Now it's time for me to have my daily all over body rub.
(Shade gets up and pulls a random book of a huge bookshelf. The book is entitled 'A History Of Porn, Volume 1')
Shade: (to camera) But is this really the end of Behind The Game? At my current rate, yes. But with enough support, perhaps I can pump this crap out more often. But this one has more or less lost it's touch, so I'm looking for new ideas.
(Shade shoves the book down his pants and proceeds to walk past 'Asian Porn Film Studios')
Shade: And what happens now? As I stated at the start of the episode, I really want to do a shared fic with someone. Anyone. I'd do a fic with Princess Serenity if I had to!
(horde of fanfiction writers appear)
Horde Member 1: BURN THE BLASPHEMER!
Horde Member 2: HE SPEAKS IN UNHOLY TONGUES!!!
Shade: I was kidding. Really. But seirously, if you want to do anything with me, apart from sex, unless you're really hot, and a female, drop me a line. Ok? Thanks.