Epilogue
The knocking on the door wouldn't stop. Jack had been fast asleep when the disturbance started and he did his best to ignore it, but his molester was relentless.
"Okay, okay! I'm coming, I'm coming... "
Sure, he knew who it was - who else could it have been? - and even though he didn't feel he was ready for the big confrontation yet, he couldn't resist the temptation of answering.
"What do you want?" Jack asked coldly and watched Daniel's gaze drop down to his feet.
"To talk," the man said, raising his eyes to meet Jack's and experiencing a sudden weakness in his knees as he saw the messy grey hair sticking straight up the way Daniel knew and loved. "Can I come in?"
"Why?" Jack asked, doing his best to keep the tone of his voice as icy as he possibly could to hide the fact that Daniel's visit and its purpose was not all that unexpected.
"You really want your entire neighbourhood to hear what I have to say?"
"No, why would there be anything for us to talk about?"
Daniel looked baffled.
"Uh... because," he managed to murmur.
Taking a look around, Jack decided this discussion would indeed be better taken indoors.
"Oh, well, in that case..." he said, making an exaggerated gesture with his hand and a mock bow to show Daniel in. "Be my guest."
Out of old habit, Daniel chose the left end of the couch and sunk deep into the soft cushions.
"Mind if I don't sit down?" Jack asked, not expecting an answer. "These days I can only lie on my face or stand, so..."
Standing was unquestionably the only thinkable option.
Daniel sat staring blindly at the table, not seeing the coffee cup stains, nor the months-old magazines. For, where is one to start when the mind runs simultaneously on several separate tracks? Where's the point of origin when the thoughts form a closed circle, blend the beginning into the end? How is one to translate the cyclical into the linear, melt the ring of emotion and forge it into the line of logic?
"So...?" Jack asked, breaking down the suffocating silence.
"So..." Daniel was stalling, as he had no idea where to start this inevitably laborious journey.
"So, what?"
"So, you're just going to leave it like this?"
"As far as I'm concerned, there never was any... 'it'."
"Jack, you can't simply deny the last two months ever happened."
"You just watch me!" Jack said smilingly.
"Deny everything... Oh, that's clever."
"No-o," Jack said, stretching the word to make it seem like he needed to think it through before answering. "No, I'm not feeling too clever right now, not at all."
"Don't do this, Jack, don't..." Daniel said, shaking his head.
"And why not? *You* broke up with me and *you* went to bed with another man."
"And that is what I'm here to talk about. But we can't have a serious discussion if you take on that, that... that martyr's outfit."
"Hey, I'm the one that got screwed - oops! - wait, that's *you*," Jack said, giving Daniel the warmest of his smiles. "So, bring me the matches, 'cos I'm ready for the stake!"
But one cold look was enough to freeze the smile.
"This is not how I pictured this, not even close," Daniel sighed, resting his head against his hands and rubbing his eyes behind the glasses. "There's so much I have to explain to you. And even more I need you to explain."
"Look, I really don't care..." Jack started, but was cut off by Daniel, suddenly raising his voice and jumping up from the couch.
"You're damn well going to listen to me, Jack!"
"Okay, okay..." Jack tried to calm down the man's unexpected outburst. "Anywhere in particular you'd like to start?"
Daniel gave him an angry glance, then, clearly holding himself back, he walked to the other side of the room to get some distance from the key figure in the tangle of thoughts he was about to launch out into the ether.
"I... I feel like I'm trapped inside this giant pinball-machine, that I'm banging my head against every single wall and bouncing back and forth between dream and reality, and yet the score isn't getting any bigger."
"So, you thought you'd score with someone else instead."
Jack's remark stopped his word flow and Daniel had to pause to swallow down the lump in his throat.
"You really want to know why I slept with Jarkof?"
"Jarkof..." Jack said, tasting the name of that lucky bastard. "No, please, spare me the details. I had eggs for breakfast and it tastes like hell the second time around."
"Jack..."
"Honestly, Daniel. Your little orgies were left out of the mission report and I'd really like to keep them way," - Jack made an illustrative gesture with his hand - "*way* out there."
"It wasn't an..." Daniel began but couldn't bring himself to say the word. "I didn't know Tulia was going to be there, it wasn't planned!"
"But as she happened to be passing by and wouldn't take no for an answer, that kinda settled it, right?"
Frustrated by the pathetic failure his attempts to make Jack listen had proved to be, Daniel was pacing the room, keeping his distance from the man so as not to let his packed feelings get the upper hand. As painful as it was, this would have to be done now; there could be no more time-outs, no more delays.
"Daniel..." Jack said in a temperate tone, as if stressing his desire for reconciliation. "We were broken up at the time, so what do I care if you fuck half the galaxy? As far as I'm concerned, that has nothing to do with me."
"And exactly how far are you concerned?" Daniel asked, catching Jack's repetition of the same phrase, while burning with anger for his cheap shots. "How far, Jack?"
"Oh, I dunno... eight or nine inches, maybe..." he muttered, looking down as if measuring the distance. "On a good day."
"I knew it, I knew it..." Daniel sighed as he leant against the window sill. The day was absolutely gorgeous and under different circumstances the sight of the bright green leaves, as the sunlight filtered through them, would have captured his eye, but the dark and depressing atmosphere of the room was enough to obstruct such a beautiful view from entering the minds of those caught inside of it. "I knew it was all about sex. I knew it."
"So, now that you know everything, are we done?" Jack asked, at the same time hoping and fearing a negative answer.
"Can you honestly say it meant nothing to you?" Daniel asked with an uncharacteristic sting in his voice. "It was *nothing* to see me go down on someone else? 'Cos you definitely didn't sound like it."
"Yeah, it was nothing. Just wanted to kill that bastard in an excruciating way."
"Why?" Daniel asked, leaving the window and walking towards Jack, who was standing on the other side of the room. "Because you thought he was hurting me? Or because he gave me something you couldn't?"
"He was sitting on your arms, for cryin' out loud! Of course I thought he was hurting you!" Jack shouted, ignoring how much of it was carried out through the open window and into his neighbours' ears. "And is that it? None of this would ever have happened if I'd just let you... you know..."
"No, that is not the point! God, Jack! You think that I'm that... that, that...."
"That big a slut?"
The word came as a total surprise to both of them. Daniel's body was shaking all over with humiliation and anger as he pushed his way past Jack and headed for the front door.
Only at the door did he turn to take one last look of the man that had insulted him in the worst way imaginable and found Jack lying on the floor, cursing silently as the waves of pain rushed through him. Daniel's push had thrown him off balance and back against the wall, the wounds now opening again and staining his white T-shirt in blood.
"I... I'm sorry..." Daniel muttered as he stormed over to him. The draught slammed the door shut behind him, the loud bang of it making him skip and lose his own balance, finally landing down on his hands and knees on the floor. "I'm sorry, Jack... I didn't mean to..."
"I deserved that. Now, would you please leave."
"Jack..."
"Get out of my house!"
But Daniel was in no condition to move; all he could do was sit there on his knees and watch the red stains grow bigger on Jack's back.
"I'm sorry..." he mumbled.
"Don't be." Jack's voice was cold and indifferent. "Like I said, I deserved it. Now, leave me alone."
"At least let me do something for those wounds," Daniel said desperately. "You're bleeding, Jack..."
"All you can do is leave!" Jack managed to get up on his feet and started limping towards the bedroom, hoping Daniel would obey his order, and yet at the same time praying he would do the honourable thing and defy it.
And for Daniel there was no question of which. Watching Jack fall face down onto the bed, he tried to catch his runaway thoughts, keep his temper under control in order to get his point through to Jack.
"You have trouble hearing?" Jack asked seemingly annoyed, as he noticed the man standing in the doorway with his hands folded on his chest, the all too familiar stubbornness written over his face.
"Nothing wrong with my ears. I heard you perfectly."
Both knew the one particular word he was referring to.
"Daniel, I said I was sorry and I think I already paid for it," Jack muttered, pressing his face against the pillow.
"And when is my mistake paid for?" Daniel's question came with such determination and demand, that Jack was forced to lift his head up to take a look at the man behind the words.
"I couldn't give you... something. So, you went out and got it somewhere else. I fail to see the problem here."
"This is the problem!" Daniel's voice rose, making his whole body tremble as it grew louder. "You jump straight into the conclusion that it was all to do with sex!"
"I'm not jumping - I'm being pushed!"
"Well, not by me you are!" Daniel exclaimed, painfully aware of the reference to the earlier incident. "For your information, there's much more to it than that!"
"Then enlighten me," Jack hissed between his clenched teeth.
"First let me do something for that back of yours."
"As long as it doesn't involve a whip."
"Just shut up, Jack." Daniel's words came with such a coldness as to make Jack shiver in the warm afternoon-sun, streaming in through the window. "Stay still. I'll go get a bandage for you."
It didn't take Daniel long to find the supplies needed to dress the opened wounds and carefully pulling up Jack's shirt, he started the painful but inevitable task.
"So, while you're hurting me," Jack muttered against the pillow, "mind letting me in on this little adventure of yours?"
Daniel ignored the implied insult and decided to dignify him with an undeserved answer, in a way pleased that Jack showed some interest in the matter, after all.
"I slept with Jarkof because I wanted to have sex with someone without any emotional baggage breathing down my neck, to do the same thing you were doing," he blurted out in one single breath. "I wanted to feel free."
"Free? And how was I tying you down? Apart from those couple of times..."
Daniel shook his head to himself, lowering his gaze to his hands that were now stained with Jack's blood, as if to find there the way to make the owner of that substance understand the point he was so desperately trying to make.
Hearing no reply and not even expecting to receive one, Jack pushed himself up from the bed and started pacing around the bedroom.
"H-hey, wait! Your back..."
"You wanted to be free," he repeated to himself, coldly ignoring Daniel's worry about the undressed wounds. "Well, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I couldn't give you your 'freedom', I'm sorry I couldn't let you touch me and I'm sorry... I'm just sorry, okay?!"
"I don't want apologies!"
"What then? What do you want me to say?" Jack demanded, turning around to face his former lover. "Tell me, what do you want?"
"You have no idea what I want, do you, Jack?" Daniel asked quietly.
"Oh, I think I have a perfect idea! You-you-you don't want to be a 'plaything' - whatever that means - and you don't want to have a relationship with me and you don't..."
"We have no relationship, Jack."
"Don't interrupt me. Now, where was I...?"
"No, Jack, those are all don'ts. What *do* I want?"
"Well, you sure the hell seem to like sucking cocks!"
Daniel got up from the bed and throwing the bandages on the floor, he headed straight out of the room, without turning to look back this time. He knew he was the guilty one, but there were guidelines for punishments, too, some common courtesy and humanity that could be applied even in as unusual a case as theirs, and this was clearly going far beyond those limits.
"Wait! Daniel! I didn't..." Jack shouted as he hurried into the hall to catch up with him, grabbing him by the sleeve. "You know I didn't mean that. I'm just no good at this..."
"Talking, you mean? Never were and never will be."
"Well, I don't recall you going on about anything outside the field of archaeology, either... Please." Jack's voice was nearly begging. "Don't go. We'll talk. For once."
"No more jokes?"
"Cross my heart and all that."
Their eyes locked and for a moment Daniel was sure this was the man he had lost that first night they had slept together. This was Jack, his best friend.
"Dammit, Daniel," Jack sighed, and on pure impulse his hand reached out to cup Daniel's head. "Why the hell d'you have to be so beautiful? It would make things a whole lot easier if you weren't, you know."
"What things?" Daniel asked, though fearing the answer in advance. He was very well aware of how close Jack's face was to his and how incapable he was of resisting the temptation to explore the promises the brown eyes seemed to be making.
"This breaking-up thing. You're just too damn good to let go."
As the last word had passed Jack's lips, they were already half-way over Daniel's and, to his surprise, received with an eagerness he had only dared to dream of. Jack decided to live the moment to the full and forcefully he pushed Daniel against the wall, smiling as he heard the tacky ornament plate, the gift from his old and bad-tempered spinster aunt which he had never had the courage to get rid of, drop to the floor and shatter into pieces. But along with the plate, something else was likewise broken.
"No, Jack!" Daniel exclaimed and tore himself free from Jack's hold. "No!"
"No, what? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seemed to like that, so why not?"
"This doesn't solve anything," he muttered and staggered past Jack back into the bedroom. "What did you mean by breaking-up?"
"I meant exactly what I said. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Making a clean break?" Jack asked, avoiding to look at the breaker.
There was nothing else left for Daniel to do but to shake his head in disbelief as he paced the room, running his fingers through his hair and tearing off bits of it in his frustration.
"I'm really not getting through to you, am I, Jack?."
"Then spit it out!" Jack's patience was hovering right on the edge of a very dark and deep ravine, and only the slightest push would be needed to plunge that patience permanently out of reach. This endless wavering and circumventing was proving too much for him. "You came here to talk, right? Came all this way to say *nothing*? You could have just as well done that when I was in the infirmary, but no, not one visit from you!"
"I did go to see you!" Daniel shouted back.
"Oh, and when was this?!"
"When you were sleeping."
"And what good did that do?!"
"I don't know!" Daniel's face had turned to a shade of red Jack didn't know existed.
Calming down, Jack fell down on the bed again, tired of the constant back and forth motion they appeared to be stuck in.
"Okay," he started, letting his lungs be filled with air before blowing it all out along with the rest of his words. "What you want is obviously not here, so, say what you came here to say and leave."
"Not before I get that dressing fixed," Daniel said obstinately and picked up the bandages from the floor, thankful that they were in sterilised packs and hadn't been harmed by his childish fit of anger. Without waiting for an approval, he pulled Jack's shirt up again, though considerably harsher this time, and started to dress the still slowly bleeding wounds, careful to avoid all unnecessary tenderness.
"That first aid course you took really paid off," Jack said, grinning as he tried his best not to let Daniel hear how effective his attempts to hurt him actually were. "Thought you wanted to talk."
"I did. I do."
"So, let's hear it and then we can both move on."
"Is that what you want, Jack? To move on?"
"Well, isn't that what this is all about? We'll forget everything and move on. Simple."
"Glad this is all so simple for you!" Certain that Jack had heard him swallow down the enormous lump in his throat, Daniel hesitated for a moment before letting the words come out as they were. "It was just sex, wasn't it, Jack? Great sex, granted, but still just sex."
"If you say so."
"No, I want you to say so! Say anything!"
Jack buried his face deeper into the pillow, attempting the good old ostrich escape and failing miserably.
"Why are you telling me this?" he asked, his voice coming muffled through the fabric. "What's the point of repeating it over and over?"
"Because I'm stupid enough to hope you might interrupt me and tell me otherwise, that you might care about me after all and might even --"
"A lot of 'might's you've got there," Jack cut in, lifting his head up again but not turning to face Daniel. The white wall was a much safer target to aim his words at. "But you *might* not be all wrong."
"I might not?"
Jack's lips refused to move, but his neck gave in and made a nearly undetectable nod.
Pausing for while, though thinking hours must have passed in silence, Daniel finally gathered his voice, putting new firmness into it, and uttered: "Jack, I'm in love with you."
As Jack said nothing, Daniel decided to continue venturing this sudden wave of confidence.
"And that is why I had no choice but to end it."
"Am I the only one seeing a component of weirdness in that sentence?" was all Jack could get out of his mouth while fighting back the burning tingle in his stomach
Daniel's hands had finished their work with the dressings and feeling him pull back, Jack found the courage to roll onto his side and take a look at the man behind him.
"You ended it because you... you..." He couldn't repeat Daniel's words further.
"I know it was stupid and childish, not to mention risky, to make such an ultimatum, but I really wasn't thinking straight at the time and --"
"Whoa, Daniel! Slow down, will ya?" Jack interrupted, as he pushed himself up and reached out his hand to turn Daniel's face to him. "An ultimatum?"
"I think that's what it was."
"You wanted me to...?"
"I wanted you to say something! Tell me what I needed to hear!"
"And I didn't," Jack said quietly, his hold of Daniel's chin suddenly weakening and his hand dropping down numb and lifeless. "I said nothing."
"Well, you got your wish. I'm leaving now, " Daniel said, getting up. "I just made a complete idiot out of myself for the second time and I think that's enough for one lifetime."
"The hell you are!" Jack's furious voice stopped Daniel better than a brick wall. "Get your ass back here! I've lost too much blood to keep running after you."
Although taking orders was strongly against his convictions, Daniel sat down on the bed next to Jack, his heart racing from the adrenaline that hope had started to pump into his veins.
"So...?" Daniel asked uncertainly, staring at the opposite wall, afraid of getting a glimpse of the look in Jack's eyes.
"So... Goddamnit, Daniel! You mean a lot to me, a hell of a lot," Jack blurted, burying his face in his hands, avoiding eye-contact as much as Daniel.
"I do?"
"Oh, yes," Jack sighed, as if accomplishing an enormous task.
"O-kay..." Daniel said hesitantly, still not turning his eyes from the wall.
"No, it's not okay, nothing's okay..." Jack said as the guilt began to get the best of him. "I hurt you... bad. That morning in the store room, I... I thought you liked it rough, so I... Hell, I didn't even bother to ask you and I just went and took..."
There was no denying Daniel had felt abused after that, but hearing the pain in Jack's voice, he would have been ready to forgive him for blowing up half the planet.
"I do like it rough."
"Daniel, I know I've treated you like shit, but if you can give me another try, I'm sure I'll do better."
"You want *me* to give *you* a second chance?" Daniel asked, finally turning to face Jack, his finger swinging back and forth in the air between them. "W-when did the world turn upside down?"
"The day I met you," Jack said with a most adorable smile as his hand slid over Daniel's and squeezed it firmly.
"So, you think you can ever forgive me for all the stupid things I did?" Daniel asked, trying hard to keep his spirits down, not wanting to have to deal with more disappointments.
"Look, I think the stupidity award will go to me this year." Despite the light tone of it, there was that same touch of guilt in his voice. "You'll have to wait for your turn."
"Jack, you didn't--"
"No," Jack continued, pressing his finger on Daniel's lips to silence him. "I didn't do lots of things. I couldn't."
Again, Daniel made an effort to speak, but his lips were sealed.
"Look, I hate this psychobabble," Jack started with a frown on his face and a sudden dryness in his mouth. "All I know is that I have some... issues to work on, concerning you and me and... you know... what we do and... what we... are."
"Jack." The seal had been broken and speech was free again, Jack's hand being now held tight in Daniel's. "If this is about that, that... that touching thing, it's really not that big a deal. Really. It's not why I... with Jarkof..."
"Now, why would you assume that I was talking about sex?" Jack asked with an evil grin dancing on his lips.
Daniel's effort to give him the meanest of his looks soon melted into a smile.
"So, you mean this, uh, unwillingness of yours to let me, uh..." Daniel's search for the right way to express his thoughts proved unfruitful. "It had something to do with admitting that--"
"No, stop it right there. I don't wanna hear it."
"Hear what?"
"That word. I know you're a linguist and all, but do we have to define everything and give it a name?" Jack asked, obviously embarrassed by this direction the discussion had taken. "Can't we just... be?"
"Yes... Yes, we can," Daniel said, tasting the proposition and endorsing it instantly. "No names."
"No names," Jack repeated, his hand sweating in Daniel's hold, his senses sharpening in the presence of the most sensual.
Slowly, he leaned closer, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Daniel's. All he wanted was to enjoy that scent again, to feel the warmth of Daniel's breath as it hit his own sunburned skin, to know Daniel was his again. And as he heard the man let out a deep, contented sigh, there was no doubt in his mind.
"Come on, Jack," Daniel said softly, fighting back the urge to kiss Jack, telling himself they would have all the time in the world for that. "You need to rest for a while to let those wounds heal."
Obediently Jack let Daniel press him down on his side and place a pillow under his head.
"Comfortable?" Daniel asked as he got up with the thought of making a cup of coffee on his mind.
"No. Not yet." Jack stretched out to grab Daniel's hand and pulled him back. "Don't go."
Caffeine instantly took the second place, allowing Daniel to make them both feel more comfortable and sit down on the bed, leaning his back against the wall.
"Uh... Does this mean that we're back together?" Daniel asked, wanting to avoid making any assumptions this time.
"Let's say we're starting fresh."
"And taking it slower this time," he added, and received an approving nod from Jack.
"But I must warn you," Jack said seriously, tilting his head back to get a better look of Daniel. "This was your last chance of getting rid of me."
"Oh, I don't think we'll have to worry about that any time soon," Daniel whispered, reaching to wipe the grin off of his face.
And as Daniel pulled Jack's head into his lap and started stroking the man's silver hair, his mind drifted to a similar moment months back. Although the parts were reversed and practically every single thing had changed between them, the feel of it had stayed intact.
"No back-rubs this time, okay?" Jack mumbled, wrapping his arms around Daniel's waist and resting his head on his stomach, listening to the sounds of life running through the veins of his loved one.
The exchanged smile and the light kiss Daniel bent down to place on his forehead were all that was needed to seal the shared memory of their first night together.
"There's something I think you should know," Daniel said softly. "You see, once upon a time, there was this girl, living in a place called Vun'tah..."
His hand never stopping its tender movement, Daniel began to tell the tale in a low, soothing tone, giving it the atmosphere it needed to be understood. This was the story left untold in the debriefing, the oldest story there was, the story of one person in love with another. Their love had been pure enough to break the walls of society and surpass the needs of the flesh, transcend to a level only few were fortunate enough to know existed. Imaginary or real - it mattered not.
The End.
(If you made it this far, please review! All comments are more than welcome:)
The knocking on the door wouldn't stop. Jack had been fast asleep when the disturbance started and he did his best to ignore it, but his molester was relentless.
"Okay, okay! I'm coming, I'm coming... "
Sure, he knew who it was - who else could it have been? - and even though he didn't feel he was ready for the big confrontation yet, he couldn't resist the temptation of answering.
"What do you want?" Jack asked coldly and watched Daniel's gaze drop down to his feet.
"To talk," the man said, raising his eyes to meet Jack's and experiencing a sudden weakness in his knees as he saw the messy grey hair sticking straight up the way Daniel knew and loved. "Can I come in?"
"Why?" Jack asked, doing his best to keep the tone of his voice as icy as he possibly could to hide the fact that Daniel's visit and its purpose was not all that unexpected.
"You really want your entire neighbourhood to hear what I have to say?"
"No, why would there be anything for us to talk about?"
Daniel looked baffled.
"Uh... because," he managed to murmur.
Taking a look around, Jack decided this discussion would indeed be better taken indoors.
"Oh, well, in that case..." he said, making an exaggerated gesture with his hand and a mock bow to show Daniel in. "Be my guest."
Out of old habit, Daniel chose the left end of the couch and sunk deep into the soft cushions.
"Mind if I don't sit down?" Jack asked, not expecting an answer. "These days I can only lie on my face or stand, so..."
Standing was unquestionably the only thinkable option.
Daniel sat staring blindly at the table, not seeing the coffee cup stains, nor the months-old magazines. For, where is one to start when the mind runs simultaneously on several separate tracks? Where's the point of origin when the thoughts form a closed circle, blend the beginning into the end? How is one to translate the cyclical into the linear, melt the ring of emotion and forge it into the line of logic?
"So...?" Jack asked, breaking down the suffocating silence.
"So..." Daniel was stalling, as he had no idea where to start this inevitably laborious journey.
"So, what?"
"So, you're just going to leave it like this?"
"As far as I'm concerned, there never was any... 'it'."
"Jack, you can't simply deny the last two months ever happened."
"You just watch me!" Jack said smilingly.
"Deny everything... Oh, that's clever."
"No-o," Jack said, stretching the word to make it seem like he needed to think it through before answering. "No, I'm not feeling too clever right now, not at all."
"Don't do this, Jack, don't..." Daniel said, shaking his head.
"And why not? *You* broke up with me and *you* went to bed with another man."
"And that is what I'm here to talk about. But we can't have a serious discussion if you take on that, that... that martyr's outfit."
"Hey, I'm the one that got screwed - oops! - wait, that's *you*," Jack said, giving Daniel the warmest of his smiles. "So, bring me the matches, 'cos I'm ready for the stake!"
But one cold look was enough to freeze the smile.
"This is not how I pictured this, not even close," Daniel sighed, resting his head against his hands and rubbing his eyes behind the glasses. "There's so much I have to explain to you. And even more I need you to explain."
"Look, I really don't care..." Jack started, but was cut off by Daniel, suddenly raising his voice and jumping up from the couch.
"You're damn well going to listen to me, Jack!"
"Okay, okay..." Jack tried to calm down the man's unexpected outburst. "Anywhere in particular you'd like to start?"
Daniel gave him an angry glance, then, clearly holding himself back, he walked to the other side of the room to get some distance from the key figure in the tangle of thoughts he was about to launch out into the ether.
"I... I feel like I'm trapped inside this giant pinball-machine, that I'm banging my head against every single wall and bouncing back and forth between dream and reality, and yet the score isn't getting any bigger."
"So, you thought you'd score with someone else instead."
Jack's remark stopped his word flow and Daniel had to pause to swallow down the lump in his throat.
"You really want to know why I slept with Jarkof?"
"Jarkof..." Jack said, tasting the name of that lucky bastard. "No, please, spare me the details. I had eggs for breakfast and it tastes like hell the second time around."
"Jack..."
"Honestly, Daniel. Your little orgies were left out of the mission report and I'd really like to keep them way," - Jack made an illustrative gesture with his hand - "*way* out there."
"It wasn't an..." Daniel began but couldn't bring himself to say the word. "I didn't know Tulia was going to be there, it wasn't planned!"
"But as she happened to be passing by and wouldn't take no for an answer, that kinda settled it, right?"
Frustrated by the pathetic failure his attempts to make Jack listen had proved to be, Daniel was pacing the room, keeping his distance from the man so as not to let his packed feelings get the upper hand. As painful as it was, this would have to be done now; there could be no more time-outs, no more delays.
"Daniel..." Jack said in a temperate tone, as if stressing his desire for reconciliation. "We were broken up at the time, so what do I care if you fuck half the galaxy? As far as I'm concerned, that has nothing to do with me."
"And exactly how far are you concerned?" Daniel asked, catching Jack's repetition of the same phrase, while burning with anger for his cheap shots. "How far, Jack?"
"Oh, I dunno... eight or nine inches, maybe..." he muttered, looking down as if measuring the distance. "On a good day."
"I knew it, I knew it..." Daniel sighed as he leant against the window sill. The day was absolutely gorgeous and under different circumstances the sight of the bright green leaves, as the sunlight filtered through them, would have captured his eye, but the dark and depressing atmosphere of the room was enough to obstruct such a beautiful view from entering the minds of those caught inside of it. "I knew it was all about sex. I knew it."
"So, now that you know everything, are we done?" Jack asked, at the same time hoping and fearing a negative answer.
"Can you honestly say it meant nothing to you?" Daniel asked with an uncharacteristic sting in his voice. "It was *nothing* to see me go down on someone else? 'Cos you definitely didn't sound like it."
"Yeah, it was nothing. Just wanted to kill that bastard in an excruciating way."
"Why?" Daniel asked, leaving the window and walking towards Jack, who was standing on the other side of the room. "Because you thought he was hurting me? Or because he gave me something you couldn't?"
"He was sitting on your arms, for cryin' out loud! Of course I thought he was hurting you!" Jack shouted, ignoring how much of it was carried out through the open window and into his neighbours' ears. "And is that it? None of this would ever have happened if I'd just let you... you know..."
"No, that is not the point! God, Jack! You think that I'm that... that, that...."
"That big a slut?"
The word came as a total surprise to both of them. Daniel's body was shaking all over with humiliation and anger as he pushed his way past Jack and headed for the front door.
Only at the door did he turn to take one last look of the man that had insulted him in the worst way imaginable and found Jack lying on the floor, cursing silently as the waves of pain rushed through him. Daniel's push had thrown him off balance and back against the wall, the wounds now opening again and staining his white T-shirt in blood.
"I... I'm sorry..." Daniel muttered as he stormed over to him. The draught slammed the door shut behind him, the loud bang of it making him skip and lose his own balance, finally landing down on his hands and knees on the floor. "I'm sorry, Jack... I didn't mean to..."
"I deserved that. Now, would you please leave."
"Jack..."
"Get out of my house!"
But Daniel was in no condition to move; all he could do was sit there on his knees and watch the red stains grow bigger on Jack's back.
"I'm sorry..." he mumbled.
"Don't be." Jack's voice was cold and indifferent. "Like I said, I deserved it. Now, leave me alone."
"At least let me do something for those wounds," Daniel said desperately. "You're bleeding, Jack..."
"All you can do is leave!" Jack managed to get up on his feet and started limping towards the bedroom, hoping Daniel would obey his order, and yet at the same time praying he would do the honourable thing and defy it.
And for Daniel there was no question of which. Watching Jack fall face down onto the bed, he tried to catch his runaway thoughts, keep his temper under control in order to get his point through to Jack.
"You have trouble hearing?" Jack asked seemingly annoyed, as he noticed the man standing in the doorway with his hands folded on his chest, the all too familiar stubbornness written over his face.
"Nothing wrong with my ears. I heard you perfectly."
Both knew the one particular word he was referring to.
"Daniel, I said I was sorry and I think I already paid for it," Jack muttered, pressing his face against the pillow.
"And when is my mistake paid for?" Daniel's question came with such determination and demand, that Jack was forced to lift his head up to take a look at the man behind the words.
"I couldn't give you... something. So, you went out and got it somewhere else. I fail to see the problem here."
"This is the problem!" Daniel's voice rose, making his whole body tremble as it grew louder. "You jump straight into the conclusion that it was all to do with sex!"
"I'm not jumping - I'm being pushed!"
"Well, not by me you are!" Daniel exclaimed, painfully aware of the reference to the earlier incident. "For your information, there's much more to it than that!"
"Then enlighten me," Jack hissed between his clenched teeth.
"First let me do something for that back of yours."
"As long as it doesn't involve a whip."
"Just shut up, Jack." Daniel's words came with such a coldness as to make Jack shiver in the warm afternoon-sun, streaming in through the window. "Stay still. I'll go get a bandage for you."
It didn't take Daniel long to find the supplies needed to dress the opened wounds and carefully pulling up Jack's shirt, he started the painful but inevitable task.
"So, while you're hurting me," Jack muttered against the pillow, "mind letting me in on this little adventure of yours?"
Daniel ignored the implied insult and decided to dignify him with an undeserved answer, in a way pleased that Jack showed some interest in the matter, after all.
"I slept with Jarkof because I wanted to have sex with someone without any emotional baggage breathing down my neck, to do the same thing you were doing," he blurted out in one single breath. "I wanted to feel free."
"Free? And how was I tying you down? Apart from those couple of times..."
Daniel shook his head to himself, lowering his gaze to his hands that were now stained with Jack's blood, as if to find there the way to make the owner of that substance understand the point he was so desperately trying to make.
Hearing no reply and not even expecting to receive one, Jack pushed himself up from the bed and started pacing around the bedroom.
"H-hey, wait! Your back..."
"You wanted to be free," he repeated to himself, coldly ignoring Daniel's worry about the undressed wounds. "Well, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I couldn't give you your 'freedom', I'm sorry I couldn't let you touch me and I'm sorry... I'm just sorry, okay?!"
"I don't want apologies!"
"What then? What do you want me to say?" Jack demanded, turning around to face his former lover. "Tell me, what do you want?"
"You have no idea what I want, do you, Jack?" Daniel asked quietly.
"Oh, I think I have a perfect idea! You-you-you don't want to be a 'plaything' - whatever that means - and you don't want to have a relationship with me and you don't..."
"We have no relationship, Jack."
"Don't interrupt me. Now, where was I...?"
"No, Jack, those are all don'ts. What *do* I want?"
"Well, you sure the hell seem to like sucking cocks!"
Daniel got up from the bed and throwing the bandages on the floor, he headed straight out of the room, without turning to look back this time. He knew he was the guilty one, but there were guidelines for punishments, too, some common courtesy and humanity that could be applied even in as unusual a case as theirs, and this was clearly going far beyond those limits.
"Wait! Daniel! I didn't..." Jack shouted as he hurried into the hall to catch up with him, grabbing him by the sleeve. "You know I didn't mean that. I'm just no good at this..."
"Talking, you mean? Never were and never will be."
"Well, I don't recall you going on about anything outside the field of archaeology, either... Please." Jack's voice was nearly begging. "Don't go. We'll talk. For once."
"No more jokes?"
"Cross my heart and all that."
Their eyes locked and for a moment Daniel was sure this was the man he had lost that first night they had slept together. This was Jack, his best friend.
"Dammit, Daniel," Jack sighed, and on pure impulse his hand reached out to cup Daniel's head. "Why the hell d'you have to be so beautiful? It would make things a whole lot easier if you weren't, you know."
"What things?" Daniel asked, though fearing the answer in advance. He was very well aware of how close Jack's face was to his and how incapable he was of resisting the temptation to explore the promises the brown eyes seemed to be making.
"This breaking-up thing. You're just too damn good to let go."
As the last word had passed Jack's lips, they were already half-way over Daniel's and, to his surprise, received with an eagerness he had only dared to dream of. Jack decided to live the moment to the full and forcefully he pushed Daniel against the wall, smiling as he heard the tacky ornament plate, the gift from his old and bad-tempered spinster aunt which he had never had the courage to get rid of, drop to the floor and shatter into pieces. But along with the plate, something else was likewise broken.
"No, Jack!" Daniel exclaimed and tore himself free from Jack's hold. "No!"
"No, what? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seemed to like that, so why not?"
"This doesn't solve anything," he muttered and staggered past Jack back into the bedroom. "What did you mean by breaking-up?"
"I meant exactly what I said. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Making a clean break?" Jack asked, avoiding to look at the breaker.
There was nothing else left for Daniel to do but to shake his head in disbelief as he paced the room, running his fingers through his hair and tearing off bits of it in his frustration.
"I'm really not getting through to you, am I, Jack?."
"Then spit it out!" Jack's patience was hovering right on the edge of a very dark and deep ravine, and only the slightest push would be needed to plunge that patience permanently out of reach. This endless wavering and circumventing was proving too much for him. "You came here to talk, right? Came all this way to say *nothing*? You could have just as well done that when I was in the infirmary, but no, not one visit from you!"
"I did go to see you!" Daniel shouted back.
"Oh, and when was this?!"
"When you were sleeping."
"And what good did that do?!"
"I don't know!" Daniel's face had turned to a shade of red Jack didn't know existed.
Calming down, Jack fell down on the bed again, tired of the constant back and forth motion they appeared to be stuck in.
"Okay," he started, letting his lungs be filled with air before blowing it all out along with the rest of his words. "What you want is obviously not here, so, say what you came here to say and leave."
"Not before I get that dressing fixed," Daniel said obstinately and picked up the bandages from the floor, thankful that they were in sterilised packs and hadn't been harmed by his childish fit of anger. Without waiting for an approval, he pulled Jack's shirt up again, though considerably harsher this time, and started to dress the still slowly bleeding wounds, careful to avoid all unnecessary tenderness.
"That first aid course you took really paid off," Jack said, grinning as he tried his best not to let Daniel hear how effective his attempts to hurt him actually were. "Thought you wanted to talk."
"I did. I do."
"So, let's hear it and then we can both move on."
"Is that what you want, Jack? To move on?"
"Well, isn't that what this is all about? We'll forget everything and move on. Simple."
"Glad this is all so simple for you!" Certain that Jack had heard him swallow down the enormous lump in his throat, Daniel hesitated for a moment before letting the words come out as they were. "It was just sex, wasn't it, Jack? Great sex, granted, but still just sex."
"If you say so."
"No, I want you to say so! Say anything!"
Jack buried his face deeper into the pillow, attempting the good old ostrich escape and failing miserably.
"Why are you telling me this?" he asked, his voice coming muffled through the fabric. "What's the point of repeating it over and over?"
"Because I'm stupid enough to hope you might interrupt me and tell me otherwise, that you might care about me after all and might even --"
"A lot of 'might's you've got there," Jack cut in, lifting his head up again but not turning to face Daniel. The white wall was a much safer target to aim his words at. "But you *might* not be all wrong."
"I might not?"
Jack's lips refused to move, but his neck gave in and made a nearly undetectable nod.
Pausing for while, though thinking hours must have passed in silence, Daniel finally gathered his voice, putting new firmness into it, and uttered: "Jack, I'm in love with you."
As Jack said nothing, Daniel decided to continue venturing this sudden wave of confidence.
"And that is why I had no choice but to end it."
"Am I the only one seeing a component of weirdness in that sentence?" was all Jack could get out of his mouth while fighting back the burning tingle in his stomach
Daniel's hands had finished their work with the dressings and feeling him pull back, Jack found the courage to roll onto his side and take a look at the man behind him.
"You ended it because you... you..." He couldn't repeat Daniel's words further.
"I know it was stupid and childish, not to mention risky, to make such an ultimatum, but I really wasn't thinking straight at the time and --"
"Whoa, Daniel! Slow down, will ya?" Jack interrupted, as he pushed himself up and reached out his hand to turn Daniel's face to him. "An ultimatum?"
"I think that's what it was."
"You wanted me to...?"
"I wanted you to say something! Tell me what I needed to hear!"
"And I didn't," Jack said quietly, his hold of Daniel's chin suddenly weakening and his hand dropping down numb and lifeless. "I said nothing."
"Well, you got your wish. I'm leaving now, " Daniel said, getting up. "I just made a complete idiot out of myself for the second time and I think that's enough for one lifetime."
"The hell you are!" Jack's furious voice stopped Daniel better than a brick wall. "Get your ass back here! I've lost too much blood to keep running after you."
Although taking orders was strongly against his convictions, Daniel sat down on the bed next to Jack, his heart racing from the adrenaline that hope had started to pump into his veins.
"So...?" Daniel asked uncertainly, staring at the opposite wall, afraid of getting a glimpse of the look in Jack's eyes.
"So... Goddamnit, Daniel! You mean a lot to me, a hell of a lot," Jack blurted, burying his face in his hands, avoiding eye-contact as much as Daniel.
"I do?"
"Oh, yes," Jack sighed, as if accomplishing an enormous task.
"O-kay..." Daniel said hesitantly, still not turning his eyes from the wall.
"No, it's not okay, nothing's okay..." Jack said as the guilt began to get the best of him. "I hurt you... bad. That morning in the store room, I... I thought you liked it rough, so I... Hell, I didn't even bother to ask you and I just went and took..."
There was no denying Daniel had felt abused after that, but hearing the pain in Jack's voice, he would have been ready to forgive him for blowing up half the planet.
"I do like it rough."
"Daniel, I know I've treated you like shit, but if you can give me another try, I'm sure I'll do better."
"You want *me* to give *you* a second chance?" Daniel asked, finally turning to face Jack, his finger swinging back and forth in the air between them. "W-when did the world turn upside down?"
"The day I met you," Jack said with a most adorable smile as his hand slid over Daniel's and squeezed it firmly.
"So, you think you can ever forgive me for all the stupid things I did?" Daniel asked, trying hard to keep his spirits down, not wanting to have to deal with more disappointments.
"Look, I think the stupidity award will go to me this year." Despite the light tone of it, there was that same touch of guilt in his voice. "You'll have to wait for your turn."
"Jack, you didn't--"
"No," Jack continued, pressing his finger on Daniel's lips to silence him. "I didn't do lots of things. I couldn't."
Again, Daniel made an effort to speak, but his lips were sealed.
"Look, I hate this psychobabble," Jack started with a frown on his face and a sudden dryness in his mouth. "All I know is that I have some... issues to work on, concerning you and me and... you know... what we do and... what we... are."
"Jack." The seal had been broken and speech was free again, Jack's hand being now held tight in Daniel's. "If this is about that, that... that touching thing, it's really not that big a deal. Really. It's not why I... with Jarkof..."
"Now, why would you assume that I was talking about sex?" Jack asked with an evil grin dancing on his lips.
Daniel's effort to give him the meanest of his looks soon melted into a smile.
"So, you mean this, uh, unwillingness of yours to let me, uh..." Daniel's search for the right way to express his thoughts proved unfruitful. "It had something to do with admitting that--"
"No, stop it right there. I don't wanna hear it."
"Hear what?"
"That word. I know you're a linguist and all, but do we have to define everything and give it a name?" Jack asked, obviously embarrassed by this direction the discussion had taken. "Can't we just... be?"
"Yes... Yes, we can," Daniel said, tasting the proposition and endorsing it instantly. "No names."
"No names," Jack repeated, his hand sweating in Daniel's hold, his senses sharpening in the presence of the most sensual.
Slowly, he leaned closer, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Daniel's. All he wanted was to enjoy that scent again, to feel the warmth of Daniel's breath as it hit his own sunburned skin, to know Daniel was his again. And as he heard the man let out a deep, contented sigh, there was no doubt in his mind.
"Come on, Jack," Daniel said softly, fighting back the urge to kiss Jack, telling himself they would have all the time in the world for that. "You need to rest for a while to let those wounds heal."
Obediently Jack let Daniel press him down on his side and place a pillow under his head.
"Comfortable?" Daniel asked as he got up with the thought of making a cup of coffee on his mind.
"No. Not yet." Jack stretched out to grab Daniel's hand and pulled him back. "Don't go."
Caffeine instantly took the second place, allowing Daniel to make them both feel more comfortable and sit down on the bed, leaning his back against the wall.
"Uh... Does this mean that we're back together?" Daniel asked, wanting to avoid making any assumptions this time.
"Let's say we're starting fresh."
"And taking it slower this time," he added, and received an approving nod from Jack.
"But I must warn you," Jack said seriously, tilting his head back to get a better look of Daniel. "This was your last chance of getting rid of me."
"Oh, I don't think we'll have to worry about that any time soon," Daniel whispered, reaching to wipe the grin off of his face.
And as Daniel pulled Jack's head into his lap and started stroking the man's silver hair, his mind drifted to a similar moment months back. Although the parts were reversed and practically every single thing had changed between them, the feel of it had stayed intact.
"No back-rubs this time, okay?" Jack mumbled, wrapping his arms around Daniel's waist and resting his head on his stomach, listening to the sounds of life running through the veins of his loved one.
The exchanged smile and the light kiss Daniel bent down to place on his forehead were all that was needed to seal the shared memory of their first night together.
"There's something I think you should know," Daniel said softly. "You see, once upon a time, there was this girl, living in a place called Vun'tah..."
His hand never stopping its tender movement, Daniel began to tell the tale in a low, soothing tone, giving it the atmosphere it needed to be understood. This was the story left untold in the debriefing, the oldest story there was, the story of one person in love with another. Their love had been pure enough to break the walls of society and surpass the needs of the flesh, transcend to a level only few were fortunate enough to know existed. Imaginary or real - it mattered not.
The End.
(If you made it this far, please review! All comments are more than welcome:)