Go get those knives everyone (and the needles, hot pokers, irons, spongebob squarepants reruns, ect.) Not really, it's not so bad, only odd…very odd…I hope you like it!
The Floundering Foal (Or Fowl)
A tribute to Drowning Rooster
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a little centaur. The land was called Tortall. The centaur was called numerous things. One name for it was the Floundering Foal. "Why was it called that?" you ask. Well, you'll find out in just a moment…
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Btw, I forgot a disclaimer, so here it is! Disclaimer: This is TP's idea, sort of. Well, it's her world and mostly her characters. I'm just, uh, changing it a bit. But I don't claim to own it, or think I own it, ect.
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Now this centaur was called Floundering Foal cause her dad was a freak who forced POOR INNOCENT LITTLE HORSES to sleep with him. And her mom was that horse (duh). And the dad didn't care, and the horse couldn't talk, so she was nameless. And no one really cared.
That is not until she turned 479!
"I don't have name," the centaur sighed for the fourth time that day. Apart from yipping a lot this was what she said all of the time. (Not that anyone cared, or listened). As I was saying, she said that.
"Yes you do!" A voice exclaimed. The nameless centaur looked around curiously. No one ever talked to her unless they had too. But no one was there. She sighed.
"Maybe it was the wind," she murmured. Now, most people can tell the difference between a voice and the wind, but the centaur wasn't really that smart. So she was much more surprised then I would be when she heard the voice again.
"Of course I'm not wind, you silly twit. Have you ever heard wind talk?" the voice snapped. The centaur shook her head silently. "Well, then why'd you think I was wind?"
"I couldn't see you."
"You still can't see me."
"No, I can't."
"But I'm not wind."
"You could be," the centaur said, bristling at the imperious tone the voice had taken.
"You ever had an argument with the wind before?" the voice asked skeptically.
"No. But it could happen."
"I don't doubt it could," the voice agreed. "But the wind has better things to do than to talk to idiots."
"And you don't?" the centaur asked curiously.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do!" the voice retorted. "So, let's hurry this along!"
"Fine with me, ugly butt!"
"You can't even see me!"
"Yeah, so?"
"Oh, never mind." The voice sighed. "Anyway, yes, you do have name."
"No, I haven't!"
"Oh, drat you! Yes, you have got a name!"
"I'm not listening!" The centaur put her fingers in her ears and hummed a nonsense song about slaughtering two-leggers. She was a centaur after all. The voice scowled (um, yes it did, don't ask).
"Stop being immature!"
"I'm not!"
"YournameisFinderskeepers," the voice yelled quickly, and fell silent. A sheet of lightning rolled across the sky, and then all fell silent.
"My name is Find Skeepers?" the centaur asked, since that was all she'd heard. This is why you should never yell thinks quickly. It makes your words very hard to understand. But the centaur didn't think she'd misheard. And she was happy to have a name. So, she named herself Find Skeepers.
Now, there are a couple things you should understand about Find Skeepers.
1) She's not very intelligent.
2) She is unremarkable. Not ugly really. It's just that after you meet her you can never quite remember what she looks like.
3) Up to the point where she met the Voice she only ever said, "I have no name," and "Yip, yip."
All right then, we can go on.
So Find Skeepers ran off to her herd. Her father had been culled by a bunch of knights. Her mother was one of the slaves, but Skeep didn't know which. So she mooched food off those who could spare it, or stole it from those who couldn't. Because of her evil ways, no one really liked her very much when they deigned to notice her at all (which was rare because they were used to her being pretty quiet).
So they were shocked when she came in yelling, "I've got a name, I've got a name!" And they found it hysterically funny. Except one. His name was Saddlebum, and he was lazy, impractical, but kind when he felt exerting the extra effort.
So, very kindly, he thought, he stood from watching pro-wrestling ~that would be two centaurs pretending to kill each other only unlike in our world, one of them actually dies~ and walked over to her, still munching on his never ending supply of snacks. ~Yep, this guy has it all. Alfalfa chips, straw bars, oatcakes…~
"So, what's your name?" he drawled. A nauseatingly stinky odor came from his mouth into her face. Understandably she choked, barely managing to cough out, "Fond Slippers." He stared at her for a moment.
"Oh…well, all right then." He paused and shrugged. "Her name's Found Slippers." He was also sort of dumb.
The other centaurs nodded vainly smothering giggles.
"Oh…that's not…not at all," Slipper's protested, but her new champion quickly interrupted her.
"No need to thank me, anything for the lovely centauress." He gave an odd little bow. Slipper's blushed. Apart from his nasty B.O., he was rather hot. Saddlebum blushed. Apart from her unremarkability she was rather lovely. It was love at first sight.
As it happens, Saddlebum was one of the few male centaurs that didn't mind mating another centaur. The other young stallions were more into the slaves (less excitable I think). All the centaur ladies were after him. They figured after a while you wouldn't even notice the unique aroma he carried. They were very envious of Slipper's. And so the decided to call her Founder's Floppers. Why? I've got no idea. Stupidity? Delirium? Too much alfalfa? Your guess is as good as mine.
So Slippers decided that since everyone liked that name, why not keep it? So she did. And after that the stupid women centaurs gave up. Good thing for them too, because by and by, Floppers (a.k.a Slippers) picked up Saddlebum's stench. At least she no longer noticed him smelling like rotten food.
Unfortunately he noticed. Now, you can say whatever you want about Saddlebum, but I tell you, he never noticed that he himself stunk. NEVER. So you can hardly blame him for being disgusted when his true love reeked of…him?
At any rate, it was out the door for Floppers. And as she left, tears dripping from her eyes, he called,
"And don't you ever come back, Flounder's Floppers!" This made Flopper cry awfully for many nights and as many days. It struck her as odd that her own true love didn't know her name. It would strike her as odder when many years later she met him again and he didn't know who she was. But as I said, she was entirely unremarkable. So, we can't blame him for forgetting her.
But that hasn't happened yet; many years haven't passed. Once she finally stops crying she trots off to the palace. After all, why live in Tortall if you never see the sights?
~Course, I lived in New Jersey 5 years ago and never went to the beach and I go to NYC every weekend but haven't been to the Statue Of Liberty since I was 3~
Now, she'd never found out if she had magic. Obviously all centaurs have magic, but the rare few have the Gift. Well, Floppers (Only now she goes by Flounder) had Wild Magic. Only she doesn't know. And NO it hasn't ever gotten out of control, because she only just became a semi-interesting person. Before that she never even lost her temper, so her magic didn't have a chance. Right…
After a lot of traveling she entered Corus, the capital of Tortall. The people gave her suspicious looks. Centaurs were in a shaky alliance with Tortallans. There was no telling when it might fall apart. Unfortunately, Flounder was from a Hillbilly-type herd. She didn't know about the treaty. So she felt that the people of the city were extremely rude. And perhaps she was right. They really could have restrained themselves from throwing salt at her. After all, centaurs like sugar, NOT salt.
She got angry.
Angry centaurs are always dangerous. It gets worse when the angry centaur can control "slaves" (that would be horses). She did so.
It doesn't take much, she thought scornfully, to frighten these worthless two-leggers. She watched with some amusement as her slaves gnawed on the pedestrians and stampeded the street rats.
But all good things come to an end. Sooner or later
~Some say it was later because the Kings Own was a bit busy cackling with laughter. Admit it, you'd love to see a bunch of ponies biting the butts of people you don't like very much, yeah?~
Sadly the Own did show up. They beat Flounder up pretty bad. At any rate, that was when she found out she had wild magic. Regrettably this discovery cost her an extremely swollen face and a broken leg. Everyone knows that centaurs need their legs, and well, Flounder gave herself up for dead. But the King Jonathan was in a good mood from watching his people get beaten up, so he felt generous. Healers came and treated Flounder, but her jaw was still pretty beaten up, so when they asked her name, she could only answer—
"Flounder Flope," before she passed out in pain. So they shrugged. After all, centaurs always have odd names. This was the strangest they'd heard, but they were just stupid Tortallans, right?
And of course, being stupid and slightly racist towards centaurs, the decided to call her Floundering Flope. And, well, Floppers decided Flope was a better name.
For those slower than most, that would mean her new name is Flope. Yep, she's wacked…
This part of her life is boring. She goes to balls and such after she heals completely. Of course, all the young nobles are smitten with her and chase her around. One day she loses it again, and calls in a horse to attack a particularly annoying you man.
Coincidently, the horse was named Peachblossom. The boy was called Neal. Peachblossom happily bit Neal's arm and dragged him around the palace. But, like I said, all good things end. And eventually a girl named Kel showed up.
"What the…?" She frowned in puzzlement. Despite what others might say, the fantastically hot Joren only called her the lump because of BAB POSTURE! He wasn't being rude; it was constructive criticism. Not his fault she took it the wrong way!
~Joking, I love Neal and Joren, and all the other guys, except Jonathan and Roger (cause Roger's such a cocky freak)~
Flope was one of those people who hated slouching, absolutely hated it. She told Peachblossom to let go of Neal, which the horse reluctantly agreed too. But her balked when she ordered it too bite Kel.
"I can't do that," he told her.
"And why not exactly?"
"She's…she's nice."
"Does she let you bite people?"
"Not usually."
"Than consider it punishment. Besides, she doesn't ride very well at all if she walks around half bent like that."
Peachblossom horse-grinned and trotted up to Kel who put her hand out. An open invitation to bite, really. So he did. Kel screeched, an awful high-pitched sound.
"That hurt you, you stupid horse! I'll tell Stefan! Of worse, I'll chop you up and feed you to jump!" After saying this, the squire turned into a wicked witch and tried to kill the gelding.
But that's the most interesting thing that happened while she was at the palace, not really worth mentioning.
Anyway, so she left after a while because Neal still hadn't figured out that she hated poetry. As she left, Neal (this time the guy's in tears) yelled after her,
"You're just a damn pony! You're the Floundering Foal!"
She forgave him because he was heartbroken after all. She'd be surprised when she next met him because then he'll be chasing after some ugly Yamani girl. But that hasn't happened yet.
Our story is now almost at an end. Floundering Flope loved this new name, because finally it truly fit her. So she became Floundering Foal, or just Foal. She bumped into Saddlebum one day much later.
"Saddlebum!" she'd shouted happily.
"Who are you?" he asked, terribly shocked that someone knew him.
"Oh…I'm…I'm Floundering Foal." She blinked the tears out of her eyes. She couldn't believe he didn't recognize her.
"I…knew someone like that once." He blinked. She blushed. He was still very good looking. He blushed. She was pretty good looking, too.
It was true love at second sight. And, best of all, Saddlebum had learned that baths were a great excuse to sit around and do nothing! So he no longer smelled! And they lived happily ever after…
Hope you liked it, hope it isn't too odd. Hope you'll read the next one. Also hope you'll review this, even if you hated it. Feel free to flame, I need a good laugh.