This is disturbing, you know that? This fic isn't that old, and it already has way more reviews than my other one. So, if you don't mind, could someone run off to Traitors, Trickery, And Truth? Cause the lack of reviews is depressing and I write very slowly when I'm miserable. ~Giggles~ I don't care what you say, go ahead and flame it. I just want to know if anyone's reading it. Actually, flaming is good, cause it's the only way I can get my friends to read my fics. They're all crazy and enjoy reading stuff about what an awful writer I am. ~Rolls eyes~
Hmm…and you could also visit my new fic. It's a Harry Potter magazine. It's cynical and slashy. It only has 4 reviews, it's depressing. *cries*
Neways, after the unfortunate incident with my brother deleting my hard work, I've been working between HW assignments. This isn't nearly as nice as the first copy. I'm really sorry. There's got to be about a hundred typos. Blame "the boy". Damn him, damn them all! (All refers to 16-year-old ass-wholes)
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I'm restarting finally! Btw, this one may be slightly different. I tend to switch styles pretty often. This one isn't fairy tale style. But you did ask to make sure this one was original too, correct? I certainly made it different. Some things are the same obviously. The humor's all mine…
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Diclaimer (I keep on forgetting to put this at the top): I don't own the stuff you recognize. Only…you might not recognize some people…they act a little different in this chapter…oh well.
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Note to PurpleEyes1: I changed some things about your character. Your magic isn't new; instead it's a myth. Some other stuff is a little off; forgive this humble servant who thinks themselves worthy of mutilating your fantastic ideas! ~Snort~ j/k
The Thief's Gift
A tribute to Purple Eyes1"Ah, yes, the Thief's Gift. A strange and miraculous thing it is." The old man nodded sagely.
"What is it, grandfather?" The girl sat at her grandfather's feet, her green eyes round. He smiled at her gravely.
"Merely a fairy story." He shook his head sadly. "A gift, they told me, from the Crooked God. Magic that aides thieves, more so than the Sight even." He sighed, his voice full of longing.
"You have the sight, don't you?"
"Yes," he agreed. "But the thief's gift is so much more. It makes you swifter and quieter, the ones who have it are the best. And they can sometimes see who to steal from, and who not to. They know who will catch them." The girl nodded.
"Doesn't seem so great. Anyone with a strong enough gift would know you were there anyway," she said indifferently. Her grandfather snorted.
"Go ahead and think that, my dear. But you'd do well to remember, in the stories it was your great, great, great grandfather who had this gift."
****************************10 Years Later****************************
"Where's my magic! I can't find it!" The girl collapsed in tears, forgetting momentarily that she was in someone else's home, taking something that didn't belong to her, and hoping not to get caught.
She gasped when she heard a creak on the stair, and half stood quickly and silently. Or it would have been silent if she hadn't banged her head on a shelf.
"Damn it all," she cursed, loudly this time. There seemed no point in whispering since she'd already been caught. (Hehe, I love the word damn…)
"Scuse me? Um…oh dear, who are you?" The voice came from the stairs, more precisely from a young lady of around her own age. The young thief knew her by name only, Lady Iblis of something. Iblis had warm brown eyes and blonde hair and a complexion to envy the Queen's. And a fine voice to go with. From what the thief had heard she was also a sugar coated bitch, but then what could you expect from a noble?
"No one," Jamie answered bitterly. "Absolutely no one."
"Oh. Well, you have an ugly dress, and an ugly face," Iblis said superciliously.
"Well, dear, you have an ugly name, but I wasn't going to comment." Jamie smiled sympathetically. Iblis's eyes flashed angrily.
"Excuse me, but,"
"You're excused," the thief interrupted.
"You are incessantly rude!"
"Bad me, bad. I'm just dying of guilt!" Jamie sniggered, feeling quite pleased with herself.
"You should be," Iblis cried. "Coming into my house just to insult me!"
"I don't believe that was the only reason," the thief murmured.
"Then why are you here?"
"I'm selling cookies, want any?"
"I know what you are!" Jamie grinned as comprehension dawned on the young noble's face.
"You're a Girl Scout!"
"Huh?" Well, I was expecting thief, burglar, pickpocket, or something, she thought.
"Yeah. You know, those girls who run around helping people. Totally beneath a lady of my standing of course." Jamie stared at her, awed by her stupidity.
"Right. That's me," she said impishly. It wasn't like some noble brat could hurt her. Even without her magic, she could still use her knives. And she was carrying hundreds of them given as she was sooooo gifted. (yeah, I've never understood that in people's fics. How many freaking knives can you fit on your body? 20 at the most, and you'd have to put the knives in some very uncomfortable places…)
"So, what were you saying about magic?" The noble took a step closer. It seemed that now she thought Jamie was a model citizen, despite her unsightly clothing.
"Oh. You heard that?" The noble nodded.
"How ever did you manage to lose your magic?"
"Well…it, uh, happens a lot."
"Could I help look for it?"
"Well, you cant's see it. It's invisible." Iblis blinked.
"That's awfully silly. How can you use it?"
"Sometimes I can find it," Jamie said in defense of her magic.
"And it makes me the best…Girl Scout…around."
"Oh. Well, I know how you can find it." Jamie blinked.
"How?" How could some noble brat figure something out that Jamie didn't know?
"Go ask one of the mages up at the castle. They are the friendliest people." It figures, Jamie thought, biting back laughter. "Come on, I'll help you." The noble grabbed Jamie's hand and led her to a door at the end of the room.
"It's locked, I tried."
"Why were you trying to open it?" Iblis asked, suddenly suspicious.
"Um. I was looking for people to help," Jamie lied.
"Oh. All right then." She shrugged. "I can open this door, no problem." She leaned up against the door and whispered, "King Jonathan is a woman."
The door creaked open, and a bright light shone through it. As the light faded, Jamie caught a glimpse of a long road made of a long strip of stone, with noisy little boxes whirring up and down. Different shaped boxes, and different colors. She peered in to see closer, blinking at the bright yellow and red lights. She slipped, and fell forward through the air and towards the road. Terror surged through her, and she gasped in hope as she jerked to a stop.
"That was idiotic," Iblis's voice squeaked above her. Jamie could have hugged the girl, noble or not, who'd caught her just in time. Only, how was she going to pull her up?
But for now she was mostly safe, so she studied the road below her. On either side giant buildings had been constructed of stone. One was shiny, like metal, only who would be stupid enough to make a building that could rust? Another of the constructions had a giant, yellow M on top. How odd. She sighed.
"Can you pull me up?"
"I can barely hold you, you fat ass!" Iblis screamed politely.
"You're going to wake someone up," Jamie warned.
"Great idea," Iblis said, she of course was unaware that Jamie was really a thief.
"NO! Don't, I can get up." Jamie bit her lip uncertainly. "I can get up," she assured herself. "I can't get up…"
"Yes you can," Iblis urged her. "Just grab onto that flying thingy."
"What?" She looked around. Sure enough, a flying…thing…was coming towards her. It was noisy, and wind slashed into her face. 4 sticks whirred around and around at the top of the flying thingy, and a ladder dangled below it. "Oh. Well, all right."
(Btw, shrewd people know that this is a helicopter by now. And shrewd people ((though actually you don't have to be shrewd to know this)) know that helicopters make a lot of noise. I dunno why Jamie didn't hear the helicopter until Iblis mentioned it. Give me a break, I'm not creative or anything.)
So, Iblis swung her back and forth (surprisingly strong for a noble), and Jamie (suddenly with all the skills of a trapeze artist person) flew at the ladder and caught hold up the lowest rung. And that sounded really gross. This chapter sounds really perverted. I'm sorry!
"Ok, you're going to be all right, just hold on!" a deep voice shouted from inside the flying thing.
Jamie gasped in surprise and nearly let go. What was…that voice? And where was it coming from? Iblis motioned to her from the doorway, which Jamie now saw was hanging in midair.
"Come on," she hissed. Jamie nodded and swung herself on the ladder, again like a trapezist, and flung herself into the doorway. The girls toppled over, and behind them they heard the loud voice going,
"Damn it! She dropped! I don't see her!"
And the next morning in that world, Headlines read:
Girl Falls to her Death! Witnesses say a girl in an ugly dress with too many freckles (the girl not the dress) was seen suspended in the sky. A nearby Helicopter rushed to the rescue, but was to late. The girl's body has yet to be found.
But there's still a lot left to say about Jamie, and this chapter is already way to long. No time to tell you all the trouble she caused in that world.
I hate long chappies…
Anyways, so Iblis slammed the door closed.
"I guess that was the wrong one," she said, shamefacedly.
"No, ya think?" Jamie rolled her eyes. "How did this happen? I'm a good girl scout!"
"Do you have many badges?"
"Huh? Um…yeah." Jamie nodded.
"I think it's this one," Iblis said hopefully, pointing towards a smaller door that Jamie hadn't even noticed. It had been made to look like the wall, and there was no doorknob, or even any hinge, Jamie noted.
"How do you open it?"
"The same way I opened that last one." Iblis stared at her. "Duh."
"Whatever."
"King Jonathan masturbates." The door swung forward. Through it, Jamie could glimpse horses, and something shiny…"Aren't you going?" Iblis sighed. "Commoners are just sooooo stupid." She shoved Jamie, and miraculously, the thief fit through the minute door. She fell, and cursed the noble silently. And to think, she'd almost started to like the brat (who did saved her life after all).
She landed in hay, prickly hay, which scratched into her arms and legs. That was why she stood up so quickly, though she knew that lofts weren't that tall. And she slammed her head into a low rafter. She fell again, dizzily, and toppled off the ledge and into an empty stall…
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Was saying the word masturbation ok? It is rated G, maybe I should move it up? But, it's not my fault if little kids know what masturbation is; it's their parents/friends/siblings faults.
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Some Hours Later"Who's that?"
"What?"
"There's someone in my stall!"
"Hey, that reminds me of a story! You know?"
"Yeah, me to!"
"What story?"
"It goes like this! Once upon a time, there were three bears. The went out to get high while they waited for their porridge to cool. A weird little girl came into their house. She tried one bowl of porridge, but it was too hot. Another one was too cold. The last one was just right." The boys sniggered.
"It was just right, huh?"
"Well, that's the story."
"I'm not done yet! Anyway, so she went and sat down in one chair. But it was too hard." The boys laughed again. "The next was too soft. But that last one was just right."
"Goldilocks is a picky little wench."
"How'd you know her name?"
"You said it."
"Did not."
"Oh well, whatever. So, she decided to go to sleep…"
"Um, you guys? SOMEONE INSIDE MY STALL!"
"Oh, right."
"Sorry, forgot about that."
Yeah, that's not good."
"Is it a stable hand?"
"Nah, I know all the stable hands."
"Only cause you've bedded them," a drawling voice drawled. Laughter followed, and a few shouts, but no one thought to see if the person in the stall was all right until minutes later.
"That's not the point, Neal," the first voice said sullenly. "And it's none of your business how I know all the girls who work in the palace."
"No, what we should be doing is finding out why some girl is in your stall," Neal agreed.
Jamie cracked open her eyes and gritted her teeth as her head spun.
"Would you mind shutting up? Your voices, they could drive someone near deaf!" she said loudly, sitting up. A blonde, girlish boy stood in front of her, glaring. Another, older looking, boy stood to her left, laughing silently about something.
"Your face could drive someone near blind," the blonde said snidely.
"Is that your best? You just repeated me, with one thing changed." Jamie rolled her eyes. "Nobles, I thought they were supposed to have a better vocabulary then commoners."
"We do, Joren just isn't really a noble," the tall boy, probably Neal, said. "He's a cross breed of a donkey and a pig." Jamie smiled at him, and stood. She ignored that fact that Neal's insult had been worse then Joren's.
Joren studied the girl in disgust. She was freckly, with brown and gold hair. It might have been pretty even, if she wasn't a commoner. A rude commoner.
Neal also looked at her, but less obviously. She had green eyes that matched his own. He liked freckles. She was pretty. He began composing a love poem. But he needed to know her name to write a good poem.
"I'm Neal of Queenscove," he said.
"I'm Jamie." He nodded. Stuff rhymed with Jamie. Me, we, see, tree…When I see you Jamie, I see a tree? No…that was weird. She lifted an eyebrow appraisingly.
He was cute enough as nobles went. But obviously insane.
Fee, tea, gee, knee…
He shook his head.
Samie, Famie, Lamie, Gamie, Damie…
"That's nice," Joren said abruptly. "Really, I cared what your stupid name was."
"I wasn't introducing myself to you," Jamie said in surprise. She had forgotten the blondie was there.
"Well, I'm Joren," he said with a smirk.
"That's nice," she said dismissively. "Why don't you run off and rape someone?"
"How did…but how did you know?"
"Oh…um, no one found out about that yet, huh?" Joren nodded. "Sorry then. You just look like that type of guy, you know?"
"Um…right," Neal said awkwardly as Joren left. "Should I just forget that?" Jamie nodded. "Ok then."
"Good boy."
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Neal proceeded to give Jamie a tour of the palace, and they laughed and joked. Jamie had forgotten why she'd come to the palace at all, if not to be with Neal. In case you've also forgotten, she's trying to get someone to help her find her magic.
When dinner came around, Neal brought her to the dining hall. He introduced her to his friends. Kel, Owen, Cleon, and Prince Roald. Jamie tried to show disdain towards then (hey, they are nobles), but she couldn't help laughing at the outrageous nicknames Cleon had for Kel. Jamie found herself disliking Kel; she seemed so…boring. Not boring exactly. She seemed very simple minded. In fact, when Joren showed up to insult the girl page, she found herself agreeing with him silently. She did look like a lump. A big ,ugly girl. I hope Neal doesn't like her as more than just a friend, Jamie thought suspiciously. Kel raised an eyebrow at the older girl.
"You're staring," she muttered.
"Sorry," Jamie apologized sarcastically but quietly. She didn't want Neal to notice that she didn't like Kel. Not that there was any chance of that. Neal and the others were arguing over the color of their tunics ("Red!" "No, they're pink!" "They're sort of a jolly color." "It's crimson you idiots." "Shut-up Joren.")
"You don't like me," Kel said calmly. (Warning: This is NOT slash ((that comes later)). Kel isn't being gay; she's just being obtuse).
"No, really?"
"Why not?"
"Does it hurt your feelings?" Jamie crooned (also not slash, just weird). "Poor lady page." Kel nodded. "If you insist. I don't like you because I like Neal, and it is sooooo obvious that you like him too."
"You just met him!" Kel said angrily.
"At least I'm attractive!" Jamie hissed. Kel giggled.
"Forget it, will you? Neal's nice, but I don't like him as more than a friend. Besides, he's still pining over that centaur who just left."
"A centaur?" Jamie asked, scandalized.
"Yep. Floundering something or another. At least," Kel said mischievously, "he was pining after her yesterday." She nodded in the boy's direction. Neal was gazing at Jamie and her jerked away when she glanced over her shoulder at him. Both girl's collapsed into giggles. And they were friends, after that. People are weird that way, especially in fictional stories.
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I'm NOT done yet. This story will be continued, along with the next person's, in the next chapter. I just want to get this posted finally. I hope you like it. Really, I do. Sorry if it seems to nasty for you, or too rushed. I did this in about 1 hour (over several days).
Purple Eyes: I hope you like it, if not feel free to flame me! Or (since I like flames), you can me nauseatingly friendly, but then I'll never manage to post another fic in my life. I get traumatized if people act too nice.
Other people: I'm going to keep going with this, so please don't stop reviewing. Sorry for that wait.
I LOVE FLAMERS! XOXO to anyone nice enough to flame me. That's COHERENT flames by the way. That means no "Your fic is bad". That's not a flame, sweetie. That's stupidity. That's like trying to show off how stupid you are. Don't do it. Please. I'm might take drastic action.
~Kat~
p.s. "Good Flames" don't have to have an actual thing that they complain about. Choose anything! Insult my stupid last name! Tell me "damn" is a stupid word. Even falme me saying that coke is bad.
Actually, don't. If you tell me coke is bad, I'll track you down and kill you.
I like coke…
But anything else is ok.
Really.
Rubric for a good flame: Is readable and comprehensible. Insults are insulting. Doesn't repeat what other flamers have said. Doesn't compliment and flame at the same time. And (most importantly) does not cause Kat to sigh and wonder what the fuck is wrong with these people…