Chapter 7

Buffy placed the kettle on the stove, her back turned to her company sitting at the island. Spike watched her and smirked. He couldn't help it. She couldn't have been more obvious. His leg was shaking out of nervousness and he mused that never before had a nervous tick. He assumed they were going to talk as soon as she stopped fussing over the stove. He wasn't sure, though, as she had only taken his hand and led him back into her house. They went into the kitchen and she grabbed the kettle and filled it with water.

"What are we doing?" he asked, breaking the silence.

He could hear her breath in heavily and then watched her turn slowly. "Well, I know that I've been...distant...this last week. Since our date. And I want to-"

"No, right now. What are you making?" He nodded his head towards the stove.

Buffy flushed. "Oh, hot chocolate. Mom said you liked hot chocolate. I don't know how she knows that but I love chocolate in any form and if you like it, too, well, I thought it would, you know, make things more comfortable."

"Your mom knows I like hot chocolate from that freak snowstorm we had last winter. I shoveled and she made me a cuppa."

"Yeah, that was weird. You shoveled for us?"

"See how well you pay attention?" Buffy rolled her eyes, but smiled before turning around again. "So what were you saying before?"

"Oh, you want to do that right now?"

"You started it."

"Only because I misunderstood what you meant. I'd rather wait until I have chocolate-y goodness. Is that okay?"

"Sure."

"How was your week?" She cringed at her lame attempt to make conversation. She could feel him watching her as she took the two mugs out of the cabinet and pour the hot chocolate mix into them. "You like marshmallows, right?"

"Only if they're little," he answered. She turned to look at him, an eyebrow quirked in amusement before she grabbed the bag and threw them in front of him.

"You can put in how many you want."

"Thanks ever so." He opened the bag and popped one into his mouth.

"So, your week. How was it?"

"Lonely."

Buffy's mouth formed an 'o' shape before she decided, not surprisingly to Spike, to brush right past his admission. "How did you like that English test, huh? I swear Mrs. Hennings has it out for anyone below the age of eighty."

"She's not so bad..."

"Spike, she's bald." He gave her an amused look and she shrugged before placing his hot chocolate in front of him. "Well, she is. I think I counted fifty hairs on her head one day. That's how much she bores me."

"She has tenure. She's not going anywhere anytime soon so get used to her, pet."

"The great thing about being seniors is I don't have to get used to her. I only have to deal with her for another," Buffy counted the months on her fingers, "nine months! That's nothing."

"No, it's nine months. A lot can happen in that time."

"Are you trying to destroy my not-often-used optimism? Because I have to tell you, it's the only thing that's getting me through English this year."

Spike held up in his hands in supplication and shook his head, smiling. "No, no. Wouldn't dream of it."

Buffy smiled and picked up her mug. "Let's go in the other room." She walked out of the kitchen and turned her head slightly to see him following her. She sat on the couch and curled her legs under her. She watched him sit on the opposite end of the couch and she frowned at how far he was from her. When he looked at her, she quickly smiled, not wanting him to be aware of her disappointment.

"You have plans for the weekend?" Buffy asked, trying to keep the hopefulness out of her voice. She knew he heard it when he quirked his brow and a small smirk appeared. She really needed a lesson on how to start a conversation properly.

"You asking me out, Summers?"

Her eyes went wide and she began to stutter. "Uh, oh, I didn't mean with me, I was just-"

"No, no plans. I wouldn't object to someone offering, however." He slid closer to her and she felt her skin start to burn.

"Dinner and a movie after I get out of work tomorrow?" she asked quickly.

He smiled briefly before nodding. "That wasn't too difficult, was it?"

"And I'll try really hard to not freak out afterwards."

"Are we going to discuss that or merely pretend it never happened?" he asked.

"We should."

"Yes, we should."

"But I really don't want to," Buffy said softly.

"I'm of the opinion that if we don't, it could keep happening," Spike told her. She nodded her head in agreement but remained quiet. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to delay time before he spoke again. He was growing a tad weary of always being the one to initiate everything between them but if he wanted answers, he was going to have to do just that once again.

"Spike, I like you."

Or not, he thought.

"Which, I guess, is not a big revelation," she continued. "Or maybe it is, I don't know."

"I like you, too, Buffy. It isn't about that."

"No, you're wrong. It is about liking each other. That is the basis of everything. Maybe if this was only about kissing, I wouldn't..." She took a sip of her drink before placing the mug on the table. She adjusted her legs so she was kneeling on the couch, her arm draped over the back, her fingers lightly brushing against his arm.

"Buffy?"

"How much truth do you want?"

"I want all of it."

"But-"

"Nothing. I want all of it," he stressed.

"You fill me with utter dread."

His eyes bugged out and his brow furrowed in his confusion. "Wow...didn't expect that."

A small laugh escaped her, which caused him to smile, as well. "I probably could have been more tactful." She moved towards him until they were only a few inches apart. "I'm scared of you or more specifically, us...the idea of us, I guess. You, personally, don't scare me."

"Thanks for clarifying."

"I had a talk with Xander today and it had me thinking about things. I wasn't scared with Riley. I don't know why that is and I'm not about to examine it but I just wasn't. But you...you're different. It's all or nothing with you-"

"That isn't true," he interrupted.

"Yes, it is. That day when you said we should go out and I didn't answer right away, you threw me out. You said you wanted all of me or none of me. You remember that, right?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, that's all or nothing, Spike."

"I don't mean to push you."

"No, that isn't..." She sighed and closed her eyes briefly, trying to collect her thoughts. "We've only been doing this for a little while but I know already that I never want to hurt you. That wigs me out because I'm bound to do just that."

"You don't know-"

"I do. I do, Spike. I know. I know how I am and what a freak of nature I am when it comes to relationships." She paused, thinking. "Or maybe I'm a freak of nature due to my past relationships...whatever, the point is I will hurt you somehow and I don't want to do that."

"Do you think you don't scare me? Dru invaded me in such a short time and she tore me apart. I've known you a lot longer and if you think the idea of us doesn't have me as on edge as it has you, you're quite daft."

"We've only been doing this for a little over a month, Spike-"

"And I've liked you far longer than that," he admitted quietly.

"Oh." How she wished she had something better to say than that. She had known, though. She just never allowed herself to acknowledge his feelings because then she would have to admit to hers, as well. Knowledge was a bitch.

"So, yeah, I see exactly where you're coming from."

"I know you think I like you now because you changed your look."

"Can you blame a bloke?"

"No, I can't, but you need to know that it's not true." He looked at her, surprise in his eyes. "It's like...you know how when you were a kid and say you wanted a big wheel, right? And everyone else had a big wheel but you couldn't afford one and all the kids laughed at you because you were the only one without the big wheel. So then you had to pretend that you hated big wheels so no one would be the wiser but secretly you always wanted the big wheel."

"I'm a big wheel?" he asked, his voice full of amusement.

She laughed. "Yeah, pretty much." She gingerly touched his face and sighed again. "You are the equivalent of the big wheel I never got as a kid. I wanted that big wheel so much but Mom and Dad kept insisting it was too dangerous and too expensive. I'd have to listen to everyone go on and on about the god damn big wheel and I eventually started to hate it, as well. It represented everything I wanted and couldn't have."

"You could have-"

"No, I couldn't. You barely spoke to me, Spike, and when you did, it was just to get on my nerves."

"That's because I liked you." He ducked his head down, away from her fingers. "So, are you saying you've liked me all this time, too?"

"Yes."

"I'm not really sure what to say to that," Spike said honestly. "Forgive me in being hesitant to believe you."

"If I were you, I'd feel the same way. Look, there's no excuse that I can give that will make everything better or any different than it was. I was with Angel, anyway, and so the idea of you and I...that was never there. I just thought you were cute and infuriating...wondered what it'd be like to kiss you. I guess it was a crush or something idiotic like that."

"Did Willow know about your...crush?"

"I never told her but she's a wily one, our Willow. She knows what's up long before anyone else figures it out."

"And Angel?"

"I've told you about him, about our relationship. I'm not proud of this but sometimes it was just easier to pretend he was someone else or more to the point, acted like someone else. It made things easier to disregard the bad and only focus on the good. Even now, I sometimes forget what was real and what I made up in my head."

"I don't think I'll ever understand why you put up with his behavior. You're a smarter woman than that, Buffy."

She smiled and blushed a bit at his compliment. "If someone tells you you're not good enough for x amount of time, you start to believe it. I didn't think I was going to do any better or any worse than him. He wasn't bad all the time. Sometimes he was downright sweet and romantic and I don't want to talk about Angel."

She took the mug from his hand and placed it on the table. She took note of his fingers, which weren't shaking, exactly, but fidgeting and she felt that pesky pride flow through her again. She never thought about the effect she had on a boy, probably due to the fact that she didn't think she had any effect, but with Spike it was very clear what she could do to him. She liked it. She decided to embrace it.

As she reached for his hand, the thought that she was still going to hurt him flashed through her mind. She pushed it down. She wanted him. He wanted her. Now was what mattered. She would worry about the future later when it was time. She was going to take Xander's advice.

Buffy was going to fall.

The landing could be rough and she knew the both of them could end up battered and bruised as it so often goes. Right now, though, it didn't matter. Like Xander said, take the moment and try not to let the other shoe drop. Yeah, it was extremely optimistic. Not her usual style but damn if she didn't want this.

She felt his fingers curl over hers and it snapped her out of her reverie. When she looked up, she found his eyes burning into hers and her mouth went dry. There was no explanation for it, really. She tried to justify the tingling sensation in her fingers, the rapid beating of her heart, the shallow breaths she was inhaling but she couldn't think of one good reason other than the obvious.

It was Spike.

She wondered why she needed to have another explanation besides that; wondered why her feeling this way scared her when she only had the one answer. She smiled when she finally realized it was normal to feel like she did. The boy beside her made her dizzy and it was perfectly normal. There was nothing wrong about being scared. There was no point in worrying about what might happen. The here and now is all that mattered.

And right now, she was going to kiss him and she was going to keep kissing him until he made her stop.

And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike watched her as she put his mug on the table and saw that she noticed his twitching fingers. He cursed his nerves for making him shake. Why couldn't he just act cool and indifferent? Why did he revert back to his old self when it was just the two of them? How did she have the ability to get under his skin so quickly?

He didn't want to be vulnerable. That way led to sudden pain. A pain he knew all too well thanks to Drusilla. What had happened to that commitment he made after they split? It wasn't supposed to go this way. He was supposed to be in charge of this. He didn't want to be dragged around by his heart again. But he knew as clear as day that as long as the girl was Buffy, he would allow her to.

There was a large part of him that resented her for it. He knew that for however long this went on between them, she would be the leader and he would follow without question. He shook his head, trying to negate his own thoughts. No, they would be equals in this. He would just have to make her realize that. He would not, could not, allow himself to be another girl's puppet. He had more self-pride than that...didn't he?

She told him that it wasn't this new him that caused all this but he was still having trouble believing it. Despite what she said, her actions then spoke volumes to him. She treated him like dirt on her shoe. The girl couldn't even be civil to him most days and that only egged him on further to be as horrible to her as she was to him. He shrugged internally. Maybe she had a point with her big wheel analogy. Maybe it's easier to pretend you don't want something when it's all you really want.

Isn't that exactly what he did for the last two years?

Her fingers brushed against his and he looked at her, seeing that she was staring unseeing at their hands. He suddenly didn't know why he felt so vulnerable when she looked to be just as, if not more so, than he thought he did. He watched the internal debate play out on her features and he wanted more than anything for her to tell him. She didn't want to talk about Angel anymore, which was more than fine with him, but he still wanted to suss this all out before they started up again.

He needed to know everything, well, maybe not every single thing...a person still needed some mystery, but he needed her to let him in. He feared that if she didn't, they would only continue on this path of getting along, fooling around and running away. He felt a sudden surge of confidence and he knew he had to get her attention. He didn't think they were done talking this out.

He wrapped his fingers around hers and gripped them lightly. She looked up at him, startled at first before she seemed to just give over. He didn't understand that but it was there, staring him right in the face. There was a realization spreading over her, a light shining in her eyes and a smile so full of feminine charm and mystique playing across her lips that could easily drive him to the brink of disaster and he wouldn't care in the least.

His head jerked a bit when her thumb brushed lightly against his bottom lip and guilt clutched him when he saw the confusion on her face. He smiled shyly and she returned it, her thumb returning to its previous endeavor. The way she was looking at him did nothing short but set him on fire. They weren't going to talk anymore and he was, not so surprisingly, fine with that. Any man who had this girl kneeling beside him, tracing her thumb along his lips and looking the way she was looking and told her to stop was a right fool.

They could always talk tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. But now, he was going to kiss her and keep kissing her until they couldn't stand it anymore.

And there wasn't a damn thing that she could do about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy wasn't sure who started the kissing. She wasn't even sure how long they had been kissing or how they got into the position they were currently in. However, she was sure that she wanted to stay here for a lot longer. Nestled down into the couch, half her body lying on his, his hand under her shirt and stroking her back lightly, her arm under his neck, her fingers massaging him, her other hand under his shirt and drawing circles along his stomach and chest as they went on and on. They were moving together, rocking against each other, kissing, nipping and touching. She had never, in her young eighteen years, ever wanted anything so much in her life.

Not even that blasted big wheel.

God, this was good. This is what passion meant, she was sure of it now. This undulating of bodies, the touching, his tongue doing those delicious things to her lips, neck, fingers. How did he know? She hadn't even known what was good and yet every little thing he did set her ablaze. A realization hit her hard.

Her first time with Spike would be her first time.

She smiled against his neck as she continued to kiss along the length of it. Sex with two people and she was ultimately as much a virgin as he was. She had only done it with Angel because she thought she was supposed to and he had grown restless. That had only served to make everything worse. With Riley, it was more to prove to herself that she could be desirable, although looking back on it now compared to what Spike was doing, the noises he made when she kissed him...she didn't feel any more wanted with Riley than she did with Angel.

For the first time, she understood what desire meant. What she thought was passion was anything but. Spike was drawing out her inner vixen which she always felt the need to keep hidden as to not scare anyone off. She could tell that she was doing the same with him, as well. She wasn't sure if he felt the same way as her, this sudden understanding of what real passion was like, but she didn't care. He was teaching her; they were learning together.

Just like he said they would.

She remembered that he told her that he and Dru had done everything but have sex. She felt a bit sickened at the thought as most of this stuff was new to her where it wouldn't be to him. The idea of him experiencing certain things with that girl wrenched her stomach and she tried to regain her focus and concentrate on the feeling of his mouth on her collarbone. He wasn't as inexperienced as he proclaimed to be; he knew what to do, how to touch and she was fumbling around like a kid in a closet playing seven minutes in heaven.

What did he expect from her? How long can a guy kiss a girl before he wants it to progress? Isn't that what she wanted? Sure, now she did but she knew come the time, it would be an entirely different story. There were so many things she wanted to do to him and have him do to her but what if she screwed it all up? What if it wasn't as good as the crazy girl did it? How could she live with that?

"Buffy..." he moaned out and she suddenly didn't care about his ex-bitch because that sound went straight to her sex.

Feeling emboldened, she let her hand stray down his stomach to the hardness in his jeans. She cupped her hand over the bulge and his hips bucked in response.

"Christ, luv."

She quickly removed her hand. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's good..." His hands went to her hips and he moved her on top of him. He stayed his hand at the small of her back and pushed slightly causing them to press into each other.

"Oh!" Buffy exclaimed before feeling embarrassed by her reaction.

"It's okay?"

"Oh, yeah, it's...okay," she whispered before attacking his mouth. She moved her hips against his and she couldn't stop the continuous groans that escaped her. And she loved and stored to memory all of his. There was only one thought running through her head now. Oh God, oh God, oh God over and over again.

If she had even the slightest clue as to what this was all like, she would have gotten over herself a long time ago and thrown him to the ground. She was burning from the inside out.

And she loved every minute of it.

"Spike?"

"Mmm?"

Could his voice be any sexier? "Is this...um..."

He stopped kissing her neck and looked at her quizzically. "What?"

"Is this hurting you?"

"It's fine. Good," he said quickly, before going for her neck again. She rolled off him and he looked surprised. "I said I was fine. Come back." He tried to pull her over but she shook her head.

She didn't say anything as her hand went to the button on his jeans and undid them. She heard his deep intake of breath and she hid her smile. She pulled down the zipper and reached her hand inside only to squeak in surprise when she didn't encounter underwear, just him.

"Should have warned...fuck," he grounded out as her small hand enveloped him and she slowly moved her hand up and down. His mind was a blur. This was the last thing he had expected her to do.

"Is this okay?" She couldn't believe this was her voice. It was just as low and husky as his was. Apparently this is how she sounded in this situation. Color her surprised.

"It's bloody fantastic. You are..."

She hated that he didn't finish his sentence. She wanted to know what she was.

"You have too many clothes on, pet." He moved his hand to her tank top and tried in vain to push it up.

"I'll get it," she offered and he put his hand over hers.

"Don't stop."

She nodded silently, her eyes wide at the naked lust on his face and in his voice. She'd never heard a guy plead for her to not stop.

It was an amazing feeling.

"Oh," she moaned as she felt his tongue lick up her cleavage. She really needed to find a synonym for 'oh' she thought absently as his hand moved to lightly grope her breast, his thumb circling her nipple. She couldn't help but smile at just how clever he could be. He couldn't pull the top off her but he could pull it down and stretch the hell out of it. Buffy couldn't have cared less.

He loved that she had a simple, cotton black bra on. Dru had always been wearing something extravagant, which was nice enough in its own right, but Buffy didn't seem like a corset girl. This fit his whole ideal of her and all he wanted to do was rip it off and taste what he had gotten a quick peek of the previous week. He was a gentleman, but he was still a man, and there had been a naked Buffy drying herself off with his t-shirt. He didn't know of anyone that wouldn't have looked.

Spike couldn't stop his hips from moving in sync with her hand. He didn't want to scare her again and if she stopped now...he didn't even want to think about that. Her leg was still lying over his and her pelvis was rocking against his outer thigh in time with his own movements. He wanted to touch her in the way she was touching him. He wanted to feel her surrounding his fingers. He wanted to give her what she was giving him.

He tried to move her leg off of by moving his own leg over but that didn't work. She clamped down harder, her movements intensifying. In trying to move, he had opened his legs more and she decided take advantage of it. That hadn't been the plan but he certainly wasn't going to complain.

Buffy moved her head from his shoulder and strained her ears. "Did you hear that?"

"It was me. Jesus, you're..."

"What? What am I?" She couldn't let this one go.

"Wonderful," he breathed out.

"Take this off," she demanded, removing her hand from him for a minute and sitting up. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and yanked it over his head before tossing it onto the floor.

"You, too," he said as he quickly pulled the tank off and threw it behind him. "You're so warm, luv."

Her hand went back to work and he clenched his jaw. They moved faster together, their bodies continuing on as if they had never stopped.

"Buffy?"

Oh, shit. She quickly removed her hand and sat up. In her haste, she accidentally kneed Spike in the groin and he instantly doubled over in pain.

"Holy fucking hell!"

"Oh, God! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" He only looked at her, not able to say anything. "Stupid question. I'm sorry." She looked to the room's entrance and grimaced. "Hey, Dawn."

Dawn smirked before grabbing their shirts and throwing them over. "You better put these on quick. Mom will be inside in about ten seconds."

She quickly threw on her top and helped Spike put his t-shirt over his head.

Buffy looked at her sister and gave her an embarrassed smile. "Please, Dawn. I'm begging you. Don't say anything. Please."

"You owe me."

"I owe you big time. Huge. Anything you want or need with no arguments what-so-ever," Buffy promised.

"Me, too, Bit," Spike grunted out, still bent over and clutching his stomach.

"And I thought today was going to suck," Dawn mused.

"Hi, honey," Joyce greeted as she walked into the house. "Spike..." She studied the two of them and they both averted their eyes. It wasn't hard to miss the swollen lips, the messy heads of hair, and the obvious breathing issues the two were having. "I think it's time for Spike to leave."

"Right. I'll see you tomorrow," Spike said quickly, getting up from the couch slowly. He glanced at Buffy and smiled softly, which she returned.

As he was walking to the door, Joyce stepped in front of him and opened it for him. She smiled warmly as he nodded his goodbye and stepped onto the porch.

"Spike, just so you know, your t-shirt is on inside out." He looked at her, aghast, and she grinned knowingly and only like a mother could before shutting the door.

"Bloody hell," he mumbled before making his way home.

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to be continued