Title: In the Absence of Memory
Author: Yih
Disclaimer: All characters are JK Rowling.
Beta: The magnificent Serra.
~
8: Inventing (October 12, 2003 to October 13, 2003)
He rocked back and forth. He rocked forth and back. He shivered and he shuddered. He shuddered and he shivered. What was he going to do? Locked with his mind, his memories had to be there, yet he knew nothing of his past. He didn't even remember doing magic, something he had to have been doing for most of his life. Nothing. He was nothing without Voldemort.
It was intensely frightening. Thank Merlin his bond-mate was nothing like Bellatrix Lestrange. That witch was unstable and insane. He knew that she was trying to be nice to him, but forcing herself to be only made the madness in her eyes glow more brightly. He was glad that his bond-mate wasn't going to force him to be instructed by her anymore. He far preferred Lucius.
Was it so bad that he didn't remember? He glanced down at his bond-mate, and he wasn't certain. He wasn't unhappy, and yet he didn't feel like he could truly be happy unless he remembered fully what he was missing. It wasn't like he was really himself. He didn't know how to separate what he knew of Voldemort from what he knew was of himself.
Where did he begin and where did Voldemort end?
He didn't know. The answer eluded him just like the memories of who he had been escaped him. Tears filled his eyes and trailed down his cheeks. There were times when he felt absolutely alone; there were times when all he wanted to do was to let go of life. How could he live when he didn't know who he was?
At least tomorrow Voldemort had promised to spend time with him. If there was one person he could trust to cling to, it was his bond-mate. It wasn't that he knew his bond-mate was a good person, he was almost entirely sure that Voldemort wasn't. But that didn't mean that his bond-mate wasn't a good person to him. So far, he'd shown nothing but consideration. Nothing but consideration.
What more could he ask for? Not much more, he thought passively as he rested his head back down next to Voldemort's side. His bond-mate was being infinitely patient with him, even if it was obvious that he wanted to do other activities with him. He considered himself lucky that Voldemort was willing to wait until he was ready. He wasn't ready to take the next step. Not yet.
He pressed a feather light kiss against Voldemort's neck. He didn't mean for the delicate movement to disturb his bond-mate, but he should have guessed that Voldemort was a light sleeper. "What is it, pet?"
"I didn't mean to disturb you," Harry murmured softly, placing his arms around Voldemort's waist in a trusting gesture. "I couldn't sleep."
His bond-mate's arms tightened around him. "You should have informed me," Voldemort remarked sharply, his crimson eyes quite visible despite the darkness in the room. "You know that I can have Severus make you a sleeping potion if you are having trouble sleeping."
"It's fine," Harry responded. "It's not like anything I do is strenuous."
"You still need your sleep, Harry," Voldemort chided, but the edge in his voice was gone.
Harry smiled sweetly and kissed the corner of Voldemort's mouth. "I know, you worry about me too much."
"Go to sleep," Voldemort commanded. "You need your rest. I don't want you yawning through my spell creation session or I won't allow you to come to another one. I don't need any unnecessary distractions."
For a moment, he regretted the harshness of his words when he saw Harry's face fill with anxiety at having his privileged revoked. But the cruel part in him wondered why he even cared? It wasn't like Harry meant anything to him other than a source of magical energy in which he could use whenever he needed it. It wasn't like Harry was important to him as a person.
Yet, there was the growing nagging suspicion that Harry did mean something to him. That worried him, somewhat. What worried him more was if the others knew that. It could be seen as a weakness to be used against him. He frowned and tightened his hold on his pet. Weaknesses were what worried him more than anything. It'd be too ironic if his greatest strength was his greatest weakness.
He felt Harry's fingers trying to smooth out the wrinkles that creased his forehead. "You shouldn't frown," Harry whispered. "It makes you look like what you looked like before."
That particular reminder was more than enough to cause him to stop frowning. Voldemort knew he was vain, but why not be vain when he was as good looking as he knew that he was? He almost regretted the fact that he hadn't been able to keep his green eyes, but that had been a necessary sacrifice to attain the control he wielded over the dark arts. It had been well worth the additional powers he'd gained.
"Go to sleep, my pet. Tomorrow's a long day."
It took Harry a while, but eventually he fell back to sleep. It wasn't until he was positive that the rhythmic breathing from Harry came from sleep and not from Harry trying to fool him did he allow himself to relax. Once he relaxed, he let Harry's soft breathing lull him to sleep. And as he was falling to sleep, the part of him that only wanted to be loved taunted him that Harry meant something to him--- as a person.
~
Normally he would be having a session with Lucius, but today was different. Today he was going to get to spend time with his bond-mate! Harry's enthusiasm throughout the morning had been climbing, especially when Voldemort had told him that they would begin after lunch. But the closer it got, the more apprehensive he got. He didn't want to disappoint Voldemort, and he was a bit afraid that the volatile side that he knew was in his bond-mate would explode if he didn't meet up to expectations.
"I've arranged for you to start you relearning potions with Severus in a special laboratory I've prepared for you in the dungeons," Voldemort informed him as he sat down across from Harry at the elegantly prepared table. "You will meet Severus in the mornings, and continue with your sessions with Lucius in the afternoons. Bellatrix will foresee your lessons with Severus though."
"Will she for Lucius?" Harry asked softly.
"Do you want her to?" Voldemort countered instead.
Harry shook his head. She made him uncomfortable, the less he had to be around her the more comfortable he would be. "No, I would prefer not to be around her. The way she looks at me, it looks like she would rather I be dead than alive," he admitted to Voldemort honestly. "She tries to hide it in her mannerisms, but her eyes betray her."
"Then she will not be there," Voldemort replied reassuringly. But inwardly he recoiled at this keen observation from Harry. He had seen the venom in Bella's eyes, but he hadn't suspected that his pet had. That was a mild cause for concern. He'd have to be more careful about not having anyone slip up and reveal anything to Harry. He couldn't have Harry not trusting him, could he? Not when it'd be so much easier if Harry trusted him.
Smiling, Harry dug into the meal that was magically enchanted before him. It was all his favorites, well at least, he thought they were his favorites. His taste buds seemed to enjoy the flavors, even though he couldn't remember if they were his favorites or not. If he thought too much on this, he'd depress himself again with what he couldn't remember. It was better not to think too hard regarding anything about his past.
What did the past matter anyway? The future was what was important. But his being was wrapped in the past. He didn't have an identity without his past, even if he tried to tell himself it didn't matter--- it did. He didn't want to think about it, not now, at least not when he was awake and had something to look forward to today. He was actually spending time with his bond-mate when they weren't cooped up in the bedroom.
It'd be a nice atmospheric change. "I'm done," Harry declared, placing his eating utensils neatly on the plate and watching it disappear in much the same way it had appeared. "Ready?"
"Anxious, my pet?"
"A little."
"You should always tell me the truth, Harry."
He almost disliked how well his bond-mate knew him. There was no hiding anything from him. "Yes, I'm anxious," Harry grumbled. "And I wasn't lying to you."
"You weren't telling me the full truth though," Voldemort admonished, his hand reaching across the table to cup Harry's chin and lifting it up so those emerald eyes could meet his dead on. "And I want the full truth from you, my pet. Especially from you. I will not tolerate anything less."
Harry had no choice but to look into the severity that made those crimson eyes all that much more harsher. Reluctantly, he nodded that he understood. What other option did he have? None, he had no say in anything unless Voldemort gave him the choice. And he knew that his bond-mate liked absolute power and control.
Once Voldemort was sure that his pet understood, he relaxed his hold on Harry's chin and let his fingers caress Harry's cheeks gently. "That's a good pet," Voldemort remarked condescendingly. "Follow me, and don't be slow. I hate wasting time."
Obediently, Harry followed Voldemort behind him. His anticipation continued to build until they reached the room at the far end of the hallway. The portrait that guarded the doorway was a portrait of Voldemort himself, a regal Voldemort at the height of his powers. The older Voldemort stared down at the younger looking though much older Voldemort and smiled.
"Good afternoon," the portrait Voldemort greeted.
"Good afternoon, I trust you will let my pet in?"
The portrait Voldemort's eyes shifted to where Harry was standing behind his bond-mate and studied the young man appreciatively. "You have chosen yourself a very pleasing pet. I commend you."
Voldemort chuckled darkly. "Was there any doubt in our taste?"
The portrait Voldemort arched his eyebrow up, but said nothing more before letting the door swing open to Voldemort's private studio. He trusted no portrait but himself to guard the secrets within this room zealously. No one other than himself had ever stepped into it, not until Harry that was.
A part of himself found it ironic that his greatest enemy was now his greatest ally, and that Harry Potter was the one that would have the honor of stepping into this particular room. But no matter, Harry was loyal to him, and from all that he did know--- the only one Harry depended on and relied on and trusted was himself. To impart a little of his own trust on the young innocent would only entrench those feelings further.
He coveted having Harry depend entirely on him and only him. No one else. No one.
"I have been working on this spell that involves being able to hear the inner workings of a person's mind without actually having to cast a spell vocally in their presence, which defeats the purpose of such a spell," Voldemort began. "It only works when their mind is unguarded, and as long as they don't know that you know what they're consciousness is saying to them--- they will continue on unaware that you are listening in.
"If you are not a legilimens, this spell proves most useful. Very few people are legilimens, and though my followers in general believe that I am one--- I am not," he confessed. "But I have allowed them to think that since it has made them truthful to the most to me, with the exception of Severus who contributed it to his own skills at Occlumency rather than any displease I was not exactly what I said I was. Foolish Slytherin, his attachment to the Gryffindor Dumbledore has lowered his awareness. A pity for himself, a boon for myself.
"Most of the spell has been satisfactorily worked out," he continued. "But I still need your help in working out the rest of it. To a degree this spell will not work unless I have the power to cast it before I try to read someone's mind, and the power it requires is like that of a Forbidden spell. Do you understand, pet, what I require of you?"
"My power?"
"Yes," Voldemort affirmed, "I need your power. I do not need to drain you entirely, only a little, enough to boost me. I also need to let your mind think as it normally would after I cast the spell. I will need to test it on you."
Harry nodded and went over to his bond-mate and offered what his bond-mate could have easily taken without asking him. Voldemort smiled inside at the way his pet was giving himself, he much preferred that to having to force it out of Harry. When Harry was close enough, he took his pet into his arms and pressed his lips on the scar.
From that scar, he drew power from the young man in an intoxicating wave that he almost didn't want to pull out of the embrace. But he knew he had to, unless he wanted Harry to end up in a coma like he had last time. Once he felt he had drawn enough power, he released Harry and let his pet stumble out of his hold. His weakened Harry could scarcely stand up, despite he took only what he needed.
Voldemort felt the additional power throbbing through his veins. He had more than enough to cast the spell, which he did so quickly underneath his breath. Unlike a good majority of spells, this one required a full incantation. He rapidly spoke the necessary Latin phrases, and when he was done turned his attention to where Harry was lying in an exhausted heap.
"How do you feel, my pet?"
"I am all right," came Harry's weary reply. I do not think I can get up. I am exhausted.
"Do not lie to me, Harry," Voldemort remarked with amused instead of the anger earlier. "You are tired and weary. You cannot even rise to your feet by yourself."
He is reading my mind, Harry thought. The spell worked.
"Yes, it worked," Voldemort confirmed. "It worked quite better than I expected."
I am glad.
"I am glad too."
~
Outside of the Voldemort's private studio, Bellatrix was pacing aggressively. She couldn't believe that her Master had allowed that awful Harry Potter into his sanctuary when he had never allowed her! She couldn't believe that he'd give the honor to his greatest enemy and deny the very same privilege to her, his most loyal Death Eater!
"My, my," Lucius drawled, draping his elegant body on a marbled pillar, "you do look quite peeved, Bellatrix. Has our Master shown his displeasure in your blatant inability to control the poison spitting from your eyes?"
"I would not be so sure of yourself if I were you, Lucius," Bellatrix spat. "My Master knows of your cunning ways. He would be foolish to rest his trust in you ever again, lest you turn into another Igor Karkaroff."
Lucius chuckled lightly, not at all perturbed by what Bellatrix was staying. "But Igor's idiocy is his own and neither mine nor yours, as much as you wish it on me. You have pointed out my cunning ways, and it was in my cunning that I bided my time and made it possible to serve my Lord in the best way--- outside of Azkaban. Your excessive loyalty cost us your strength in our side, Bellatrix. And you wasted away with the Dementers in such a way, it has affected your mind."
"It has affected nothing!" she shouted at him, her dark eyes filled with the rage of a terrible storm. "I am still the same Bellatrix that I have always been! You on the other hand, have weakened serving in the ministry, saving your own skin! A weakling in the Malfoy family, I never thought I'd see the day. If only your father could have seen you now, Lucius, how disappointed he would be."
Damn Bellatrix, she always did know exactly the right way to push the wrong buttons. His father was a sore topic with him. He had never quite lived up to the Malfoy name, according to his father, then again how could he when his father was better than him at everything? And no matter what he'd done, it was never enough for that sadistic bastard! Never!
And he knew quite well that his father would have preferred him to marry Bellatrix Black rather than her younger more amiable sister, Narcissa. But he had had his way and had chosen Narcissa, and thank goodness he had. Stuck with Bellatrix as his spouse would have driven him madder than even being in the constant company of Dementers.
Despite all her faults, Narcissa had provided him with the one thing that he was proud of--- his beautiful son, Draco. "I do not think he would be disappointed in me," Lucius sneered, all the arrogance that was Malfoy behind him. "I think he would be proud to know that I have the trust of the Dark Lord in my favor, and that our Lord trusts me to instruct his bond-mate without supervision."
"What?!" Bellatrix cried out, astonished. She had not been informed of this! Lucius must be lying. "You must be lying! You know how he despises falsehoods!"
"No falsehood," Lucius responded with sickening sweetness. "He told me that you would watch over Harry when he was in his session with Severus, but that your services would not be required when he is brought for his instruction from me. He may trust you to supervise Harry in the presence of Severus, but it is a pity he doesn't trust you enough to instruct his bond-mate himself. He would prefer a traitor teach Harry than yourself."
He turned his face away from the rage that was running rampant over Bellatrix's over expressive face. Toying with her, he indeed enjoyed. It was far too easy now. It was true that Azkaban had weakened her. What adaptation she had had before was totally gone now. Much to his benefit, the Bellatrix of before would have been a formidable opponent. As fun as a challenge would have been, it was best to be uncontested in the Dark Lord's favor.
Licking his lips delicately, with Bellatrix suitably indisposed in her anger he might as well pay Severus a visit in the dungeons. Torturing Bellatrix with Severus had been enjoyable, but torturing Severus with Bellatrix--- now that was true pleasure.
~
Author's Note: Yes, my muse came back briefly to write 3 chapters. Well, will write 3 chapters if I get nice reviews that makes my muse happy. I already have another chapter waiting to be released. So click the little box and you'll get it soon, all right?
Thanks to chriswiz, Eaiva le Fay (Voldemort thinks Lucius wouldn't dare touch what's his), redredredred (changed the "my lover bit" I had a plot inconsistency), minnamo, Hanakai (thanks, there is Sev/Harry interaction planned), Hyperbole, Yueh Kitsune, Goldengirl2, Lexxie, Leah, Yxonomei, Malakai (I try not to go for clichés), Tempest8 (or a vivid imagination), sdmilkyway, abraxis (I explained it somewhat, it was a plot inconsistency I had to fix. There are small changes in the chapter that had the problem. Well LV doesn't think that Lucius would dare to do anything, while Sev as a traitor would.)