See previous chapters for disclaimer and important information; see bottom for author's notes; see the text immediately below for what I assume you actually want to read!
*~*~*
Lucius was asleep. Moaning something about Severus, but Narcissa ignored that as she carefully moved her wand to his scalp. She considered just killing him then, but discarded that idea. He was awfully fun to shag, she'd feel guilty for completely destroying his hopes with Severus (being dead didn't usually attract people to you), and she wasn't sure she was capable of killing anyway. Of course, Lucius might insist that being dead was better than the spell she was about to put on him.
First, she used a spell to remove all the substances he'd put on his head. She also made a mental note to tell Draco how to prevent that spell being used on him. Lucius's hair suddenly became a lot thinner, a bit more gray, and less… less luxurious. Not as appealing. Ah, well, she could live with that. Seeing his face when he woke up would be worth the loss of sexiness.
His hair was already damaged, and she made sure to go the extra mile by singeing the ends. As an afterthought, she made his hair extremely bushy. It went along nicely with the remarkable thinning.
The gray hair was really starting to disturb her, so she decided to be kind and dye it blonde. It turned out blue. She considered him, wondered what went wrong, and decided she shouldn't have tried to be nice and left it like that.
She peacefully went to sleep, but not before casting a silencing charm around her half of the bed. The last thing she needed was to be woken up by his shrieking when he discovered what she'd done. Her last thought as she drifted off was that she couldn't keep relying on the crazy kids. She had to start attacking him in earnest. She'd hit him where it hurt… Severus Snape.
*~*~*
Lucius stormed into the Great Hall for breakfast in fine dress robes, sleek dress shoes, and a Quirrel-esque turban on his head. For a few minutes, Ron flipped out, claiming that he had Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of it.
Eventually, Neville calmed him down by saying that Lord Voldemort had a body of his own, that he was probably just covering up the job Narcissa had done, and when that didn't work, planting a kiss on his lips. When that only made Ron try and rape him in the Great Hall, Colin helpfully dumped a jug of pumpkin juice on his head.
"Right," Ron said, trying to look businesslike despite his stickiness, "we can move onto the next Mexican goal, I suppose." He unrolled the now-familiar scroll of parchment.
*~*~*
Mexican Goal
To tie the shoelaces of one Lucius Great Snake Malfoy together.
*~*~*
"I wish I had a life," Neville said out loud. Ron looked vaguely hurt. ("What, is my sex not good enough?" "Not that kind of life, Ron.")
"We can sneak up on him by crawling under the Gryffindor table to close to the Staff table," Dennis said aloud, mapping the route. "Then one of us can cause a distraction while the other four dash under the Staff table, and we can tie his shoelaces together there."
"Luna should cause the distraction," Colin said, nodding.
"Why Luna?" Dennis whined.
"Because I have a funny feeling that Luna doesn't want to spend any more time around you than necessary, especially not under the dark, deserted table!"
Dennis got a funny look in his eyes, convincing Colin that he was right.
So the four Mexicans dropped to their knees and began crawling. Luckily, the Gryffindor table was next to the Ravenclaw one.
"Luna!" Ron whispered loudly. "Aaah!"
When she bent over, her long hair hit him in the face. He brushed at it frantically, trying to banish images of scary big spiders and cobwebs from his mind.
Neville placed a hand on his back, wondering why he had to date the freaky one. "Hey, Luna! About a minute after we leave, start a distraction. We don't care what kind, just get people to look at you and not us. We have to crawl from under the Gryffindor table to the staff table."
"The next Mexican goal?" she whispered, and Neville nodded. "Okay, then, I'll start counting."
It took them about ten seconds to crawl to the end of the table, which meant that they were sitting there for about fifty seconds. This was harder than it first seemed, because Dennis was sure he saw a bug running around the floor and wanted to catch it. Colin claimed that Dennis wanted to eat it (Ron sure hoped he was joking), and Dennis grew angry. He snaked a hand up onto the table and grabbed the first thing he touched to fling at Colin, which happened to be a stack of pancakes. He missed completely and the pancakes landed on Ron. The Head Mexican grew angry at first, for the syrup was dripping down his face, but decided he could use Neville to wash him. After Neville licked his right cheek clean, and said that the maple syrup was a new flavor, Dennis decided he wanted to try it. Ron was immensely pleased, for he had his eyes closed and merely thought that Neville had grown two tongues. When the little voice in his head, which sounded oddly like Hermione, told him crossly that Neville did not have two tongues, made him open his eyes, he jumped backward and smacked his skull against Colin's.
It was this point that Luna chose to begin her distraction. "Oh my gosh!" she shrieked, jumping up. "Dennis Creevey is running past the open doors naked!"
"I am?" Dennis asked curiously.
"Move!" Ron said, shoving Colin forward. The four Mexicans stumbled clumsily to the cover of the Staff table. No one saw them. They all had their hands over their eyes.
"Oh, never mind," they heard Luna say clearly. "It was actually Draco Malfoy."
This got about half the Hogwarts population up and out of their chairs, running down to try and see Draco. So great was their excitement that no one stopped to wonder how Luna could possibly confuse Draco with Dennis Creevey. And the Mexicans were so busy wiping the sweat from their suspenseful run that they didn't stop to wonder where Draco actually was.
"He's not wearing laces," whispered Colin, who was in front.
Ron groaned and sat on the floor (then quickly scooted away as McGonagall crossed her legs and nearly took his ear off. Honestly, what was with girls and pointy heels?). "Bloody hell. What do we do now?"
"We could spell laces on," Dennis suggested, trying to look over Colin's shoulder. Colin shifted slightly. Dennis frowned and tried to peek around his other side. This time it was obvious that Colin was trying to block Dennis's view of something. "Let me see!" Dennis cried shrilly, whacking Colin on the head.
"Ow!"
"Sssssh!" Ron and Neville hissed.
"Oh, wow. What do you call that?"
Ron looked nervously. Neville looked nervously.
"Oh, disgusting!"
"Perverted."
"Lucius stroking Snape."
"Snape not enjoying it."
"Lucius obviously enjoying it."
"Really disturbing."
"Kind of… erotic."
"Actually… yeah. Bit of a turn on."
"Inspiration."
Where Dennis got the quill, neither of them knew, but he was frantically scribbling down everything they were saying. Colin got a rather horrified look in his eyes, but Ron and Neville didn't really notice. Neville was currently being pushed backwards by Ron, whose lips came closer and closer to his…
"Lucius, enough is enough!" Snape hissed. Neville's eyes snapped open. His hair was brushing Snape's leg now, and apparently the Potions Master thought Lucius was doing this too.
"Let's move to the Gryffindor table," Ron suggested hoarsely. Neville was unable to speak- this was probably with fear of being caught, but try telling that to Ron's highly excitable body- but he nodded desperately.
They sort of forgot about the large space they had to cover to get to the Gryffindor table, but neither of them noticed anyway. There were some disbelieving stares, some eye rolls, some cries of "Weasley and Longbottom?", but made it to the safety of the underside of the Gryffindor table fairly quickly.
They lost track of Colin and Dennis- they lost track of almost anything, until Ron pushed Neville back with his tongue so far that his now-bare back (God knows where he lost the shirt) brushed against more uncovered skin.
Neville shrieked. Again, Ron thought triumphantly that this was due to his marvelous sexual expertise, but when he moved his hand around Neville's back he too encountered this new person.
Maybe new person was a bit off, though, because when Ron protectively pulled Neville back towards him he saw his best friend's startled emerald eyes.
Don't worry; Harry wasn't being a pervert. Or maybe that depends on your definition of pervert. Draco was with him, and he crawled forward. "Hey, Weasley. Hi, Longbottom. Guess you two have discovered the boundless sexual pleasures shagging under the table can produce?"
"More like Ron got turned on and couldn't wait," Neville muttered. Harry nodded understandingly.
"Yeah, that's what happened our first time too. But you'll find that once you start, it's really fun and you'll want to do it again. Draco and I are going to rotate tables, tomorrow's Ravenclaw. After we get the hang of this, we'll start using the food…" Harry's eyes glazed over, and Draco playfully tugged on his hair.
Ron and Neville sat there, gaping, until they heard sounds of crawling behind them. Dennis was coming up, scowling, and Colin followed him lecturing. "I told you! You can't do what Snape and Malfoy were doing to Luna. You can't do it to McGonagall, you… ugh. You can't do it to anyone! Just lay off the sex, at least until you're…" his voice trailed off as he and Dennis caught sight of Ron, Neville, Harry, and Draco, all half-naked and sitting next to each other.
"So this is an orgy!" Dennis said, delighted.
*~*~*
"Mister Potter!" Professor Malfoy barked.
Harry jerked his head off his desk, wondering what he'd done this time. It could be a lot of things… sleeping in class, shagging Draco under the Great Hall tables, causing Voldemort's downfall when he was a baby…
Or probably that detention he'd earned earlier. "Five o'clock tonight?" he guessed.
Malfoy smirked. "Good to know you're on top of things, Potter," he drawled.
"Naah, Draco usually tops."
Hermione closed her eyes, briefly wishing she'd decided to befriend Parvati and Lavendar.
*~*~*
"Draco, if I die… if your father kills me… and my dead body is intact, I want you to have… well, you know."
"Harry, that's disgusting."
"It is not!"
"Well, I wouldn't take it. Because I'd try to blow it about every hour, and since it would be dead and unattached to you anyway, that just wouldn't do."
Harry pouted. "You don't love it."
"Of course I do!" Draco protested. "I just love you more. And if you died, I'd go and kill myself!"
"Don't do that!"
"Well, don't die."
"Well, thanks for the good advice… Malfoy."
Draco stuck his tongue out at Harry, who promptly crushed his mouth to his boyfriend's. "Love you."
"Love you too," Harry said lazily. "I have to go to detention now."
Draco gripped Harry's hand. "Let's run away to France!" he declared.
"You can't speak French."
"Bonjour! I can so!"
Harry burst out laughing. "Draco, I love you. But I don't want to run away to France with you. I'll survive detention… I've been in it enough."
"Yeah, but most teachers don't want to kill you!"
Harry shrugged helplessly. "What do you want me to do?"
"Give me your invisibility cloak."
Harry thought a minute. "Actually, I think it says in my will that Ron gets it if I die. And it's a bit late to change it; I'm due in detention in five minutes. But I bet you could buy it off of him."
"Potter!" Draco affectionately cuffed his ear. "Give me your invisibility cloak now, so I can follow you into detention."
"I'm not sleeping with you while I'm supposed to be cleaning something."
Draco scowled. "You're deliberately making this hard."
Harry smiled brightly and nodded.
"Go get the invisibility cloak."
"I'll be late for detention!"
"I'll distract my dad. Ask him what's the deal with his turban."
Harry rolled his eyes and heaved a dramatic sigh. And reached into his pack and pulled out the Invisibility Cloak. "I'm glad you asked. I would have been mad at you otherwise. What a loving boyfriend!"
Draco took the cloak, grinning. "I love you, Harry. Even if you expect a lot of me."
"You love me because I'm always prepared," Harry teased.
"True. Now we have about three minutes to make out frantically before you need to go to detention."
*~*~*
"Hello, Severus," Narcissa purred.
Snape's eyes darted from side to side. He was trapped. Lucius on his right, trying to convince him to do God-knows-what, and now Narcissa closed in on his left, swaying her hips and batting her eyes. Were they working together to try and seduce him? Probably not, judging by the deadly look Lucius was giving his wife. "Hello, Lucius," she said distantly. "Don't you go have to monitor Harry's detention?"
He was trapped and he knew it. After all the fuss he'd put up over getting Potter's detention… Lucius shot his wife a glare and vowed to HURT SOMEONE if she seduced Severus before he did. He stalked out of the room, giving his ass a little shake in case Severus could peal his eyes away from Narcissa's chest.
Severus backed up a few steps from Narcissa when she moaned his name in pleasure. Even though they weren't touching. He heard Lucius's footsteps falter outside before speeding away. He eyed the blonde woman with trepidation as she began… counting under her breath?
When she reached sixty and judged that Lucius had gotten far enough away, she gave Snape a wink and sped out of the room, leaving him standing in utter confusion. What on earth had he done to deserve this, anyway? Was this his punishment for joining Voldemort?
*~*~*
Lucius entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts room in a foul mood, seeing Harry sitting patiently, and apparently alone, at his usual desk. He grinned in a predatory way. Time for detention for his master's greatest adversary…
*~*~*
Eek! Lucius, don't hurt Harry! -_-() Oh yeah, this is my story. Well, Lucius won't hurt Harry.
Thanks to my wonderful beta, Dragon's 1 Girl, because I literally gave her about an hour to do this before Tuesday. Okay, I was a little slow this week. But I made my self-imposed deadline, and I rather like the way the chapter came out. Did I satisfy all you D/H maniacs? (no offense intended) ^_^ For some reason, my favorite line in this chapter is Draco protesting, "Bonjour! I can so!" ^_^ Don't ask why. I don't know why. I just get a really funny mental image… ::ahem:: Anyway.
To the reviewers that read all of last chapter's author's notes: Hell, you get a whole plate of cookies. ^_^ Either that or a bowl of cookie dough, not sure which you'd prefer. I'd personally go with the dough. ^___^ Mmmm, I'm making myself hungry. But now I get to go eat synthesized macaroni and cheese! Yay! And no sarcasm intended, synthesized-mac'n'cheese-in-a-box is the best kind. But I'm sure you don't care what my dinner menu looks like… ^.^()
Okay, I got a couple suggestions, and even if I haven't used them yet doesn't mean I'm not planning to. I just don't actually know where my fic is going. (STILL, I know, I know.) I do, however, know the ending, it's just the stuff in between I'm working on. Still don't know how long this will be either. So… yeah. Anyway.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed! You guys are the best. Albeit, most of you are total strangers to me, but you're the best total strangers EVER! Please keep on reviewing, rock on! ~_^