Everyone Knows

::hits head:: Well, this is a repost of the chapter and a change of author's notes. (The original ones were full of apologies for the lateness of this) WHY am I reposting this? Well… I'll tell you…

S.P.E.W. = Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare, right? WELL, in the original post I wrote:

S.P.E.W. = Society for the Promotion of Elvish Warfare. Isn't that lovely? X.x If anyone noticed, they didn't point it out, so I blissfully left it up there until my friend read this over. So thanks, firewrath, for noticing that no, in fact, Hermione doesn't want the elves to go to war. … but in later books, who knows?? ^__^

*~*~*

"Splendid!" Albus said, clapping his hands together. When they hit, the entire faculty looked up in shock, and Narcissa felt the presence of her Fascination Spell vanish. How did he do that?

Fudge stood in shock, swiveling to see the complete mess of the Great Hall. "What?… what on earth is going on here?"

Harry felt a tug on his leg. Pretending he was invisible, he slid down under the table. "Wanna shag?" Draco whispered.

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Draco, there's a time for everything. There are times you should shag. There are times you shouldn't shag. And there are times it would probably be fatal to shag. We shag anyway through the first two, but I think shagging now would be going overboard."

"But you just used the word shag like five times in a row!" Draco whined. "How am I supposed to be not turned on?"

Harry grinned. "Hey, how'd you get over here, anyway?"

"Crawled," he said simply.

"You've got mashed potatoes on your ass," Harry said, reaching around to wipe them off.

"Are you saying my ass is a big target, Potter?" Draco growled playfully.

"Only for some things," Harry said slyly, pulling Draco closer. The blonde boy moaned slightly.

"Harry? Can we shag now anyway? It's supposed to be a great tension reliever."

"So is eating chocolate," Harry commented, cocking his head. "Come to think of it, I'm in the mood for chocolate."

"I'm in the mood for you," Draco said. "Hey…" he eyed Harry. "We could always try combining the two."

They stared at each other, considering. "Let's crawl," Harry said finally.

*~*~*

"Splendid, Dumbledore?" Fudge whined, his voice becoming very high pitched. "Look at what your students have done!"

"Yes, I see they've already started work on our latest school project," Dumbledore said calmly. His eyes were glittering madly behind his spectacles, and Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick exchanged apprehensive looks. When Albus's eyes were like that… well, the last time they had ended up watching Professor Sprout try to dance with a large Venus Fly trap. Albus was a great wizard, but his ideas could sometimes be just a little bit eccentric.

"He's completely mad," Flitwick whispered, and Minerva McGonagall nodded her head quickly in agreement.

"School project?" Fudge asked suspiciously.

"Yes, our life-sized painting: Students in Food Fight. Are you not a patron of the arts, Cornelius?"

Had Cornelius Fudge been a better speaker, or indeed had any social skills at all, he might have found a door in the wall Albus Dumbledore backed him up against. As it was, he found himself curled up in the fetus position in the corner. He mumbled something indistinguishable and looked away.

No one noticed Harry and Draco crawl out the door except for Dennis Creevey, and it was thanks to him no one else noticed. He stood up on the chair to watch them, but ended up performing a lovely swan dive into the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Perfect, Dennis!" Dumbledore chortled. He glanced around with a look in his eye that the other teachers found slightly menacing. "Hermione Granger!"

The bushy-haired prefect froze. She considered protesting that she had tried to stop this, but no one would listen… but that would blow their cover, wouldn't it? "Yes?" she asked meekly.

Dumbledore grinned at her. "Will you please show Minister Fudge around? The rest of the school and I will continue with this lovely… mural."

She nearly eep-ed in relief and dashed out of the door without responding. Fudge followed, seemingly just as eager to get out of the room.

"Thank goodness," McGonagall sighed, standing up in relief. "I was worried for a second there; if Fudge thought we were acting so irresponsibly in school…" she was cut off as Dumbledore waved his wand and a turkey appeared in her hand.

"Just place that in your hair, Minerva," he said cheerfully. "Colin, would you come up and join me? I'll pay you to be our official photographer!"

And so the school found themselves in shock, being moved around and dirtied and covered in food, much to the delight of Dumbledore and a few of the males.

The teachers had eyed all possible means of exiting the room, but to no avail. Narcissa, however, had no intention of letting Dumbledore toss food on her perfectly manicured body, so she dragged Severus to the front of the room. Albus didn't look over at them, but she was positive he saw her. And just before she started to march out the door, she hesitated and glanced over her shoulder…

He winked at her. Maybe today would be the day her husband was exposed…

*~*~*

Five minutes ago, Narcissa had dragged Snape out of the room to do Merlin-knows what. His Snape!

Lucius was in a rage. And when he was in a rage, he tended to do stupid things.

So he carefully covered himself in food from head to foot. Camouflage, you see. And unconsciously following the path of his son and Draco's lover, he crawled under the tables and out the door.

No one noticed but Dumbledore.

No one stopped him.

*~*~*

"S.P.E.W. Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare," Hermione explained. "You see, house-elves are overworked and underappreciated. I feel that it is important to make sure our fellow magical creatures are protected! You wouldn't want to see other wizards exploited for all the physical labor they are capable of in return for no pay and harsh treatment, would you? No! Then tell me, why should we allow such things to happen to our fellow magical creatures! Elves are… uh, living too!"

Cornelius Fudge was completely lost. What was this girl talking about? Freeing elves? Was she insane? And where was she taking them??

"These are the kitchens," Hermione said proudly, stopping in front of a painting of a bowl of fruit. "I'm confident that, once you see the abuse the poor house-elves are put through, you'll take immediate action!"

*~*~*

Harry and Draco had crawled out of the Great Hall, through the doors, down the hallways, up and down a few flights of stairs (they'd gotten lost; perspective changes when you're on your knees), and finally arrived at the kitchens. Finally, they'd decided to get up. At that point, Harry had thought to ask why they had crawled all the way, and Draco responded that it was a front-row view of his lover's ass.

They entered the kitchen and gone for the melted chocolate. Somewhere along the way, they'd both gotten naked and sticky. The house-elves huddled in a corner, trying not to look and still clean the mess, although after a while they'd given that up.

It was at this point that Hermione pushed the painting forward with a dramatic, "See what goes on in these kitchens?"

*~*~*

Narcissa led Severus into the bathroom. She knew her husband; he wouldn't be able to leave them alone for long. "Strip," she ordered, filling the large tub with opaque bubbles. There was only so far she was willing to go, and thought Snape would be willing to go…

It was a sign of the stress of the last few days that Snape didn't even argue with her. Instead, as she turned her back, he obediently stripped and climbed into the water. She began massaging his shoulders, starting to feel bad for him.

They began chatting lightly, though they carefully avoided mentioning the extremely odd circumstances present. Narcissa compulsively glanced at her watch, until finally the door burst open.

A very angry Lucius stood, glaring at them, breathing so heavily that he couldn't enunciate the spell. He simply kept jabbing his wand at them ferociously.

"Run," Narcissa yelled over her shoulder, already halfway out the back exit. She heard Snape hastily jump from the water – making her thankful she'd used magical bubbles; these should shield him somewhat – and follow her through the spare rooms and into the hallways.

They bolted, intending to go to the Great Hall… but they got lost.

They ended up near the kitchens.

*~*~*

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Cornelius Fudge shrieked.

"EEEEEEEEEGGGGH!" Hermione Granger shrieked.

"CRAAAAAAAAAP!" Draco Malfoy shrieked.

"Mmmmm," Harry sighed, relaxing after the latest orgasm. He slowly cracked an eye open. "What is it, Dra- AAAAAAHHHH!"

Fudge bolted. Hermione bolted. Completely confused, Harry and Draco chased after them, wearing only a dripping layer of chocolate and… ahem, certain bodily fluids.

And Fudge, Hermione, Harry, Draco, Narcissa, and Snape all collided. Half of them stark naked, they stared determinedly at each other's heads.

Then Lucius ran up behind them.

"Kill you!" he muttered insanely. "Must kill, must wound, must kill Potter boy! Must KILL WIFE! Must kill son, must kill Snape, must kill all! All who dare cross me must die! You die too, Mudblood! Die, all! I'll kill you all! I'll murder you all in your sleep! DIE DIE DIE!!!" He raised his wand, but Dumbledore was too quick. Also, Dumbledore wasn't slowly being deprived of an object of lust, which tended to lower anyone's dueling skills. The elderly wizard had somehow creeped up behind Malfoy and, with a simple flick of his wand, disarmed the younger Death Eater.

"You see?" Nearly everyone crowed triumphantly at Fudge. "The poor house-elves," Hermione added despondently, casting a sternly disapproving look at Harry and Draco.

"Now, now," Cornelius said, startled, holding up his arms. "I'm sure Mister Malfoy didn't mean anything…"

Draco's shoulder's sagged. He put an arm around Harry. Dumbledore looked dangerously close to attacking the Minister. Hermione and Narcissa groaned loudly. Snape looked down and realized exactly how much he was wearing.

And Lucius screamed, "SHUT UP, INCOMPETENT MINISTER OF PATHETIC F-ING MAGIC!"

Cornelius Fudge drew himself up to his full height… which wasn't very tall, puffed out his chest, straightened his robes and said in a scalding voice, "Mister Malfoy! You are under arrest!"

*~*~*

"I never want to look at you again," Narcissa announced to Snape. "I love you and all, just not in that way, but I never want to see anyone here again!" She started to flounce away, then hesitated. "Oh, all right… I'll be visiting you, Harry, Draco and the Mexicans in a week!"

It was six days after Malfoy's little incident… and he was locked back in Azkaban. The real Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had finally returned, Harry and Draco had bathed (and shagged at least eight times), Snape got clothes, and Narcissa had packed to return to Malfoy Manner.

Colin and Luna were doing fine, Ron and Neville were doing more than fine, and Dennis had been knocked out twice to prevent the little bugger from molesting any girls.

"Awwww," Harry said, grinning, arms firmly around Draco's neck. "Group hug!"

The occupants of the room, which included the above-mentioned as well as Albus Dumbledore, enthusiastically embraced. Some were more enthusiastic than others, of course, but that could hardly be helped.

As they all hugged each other fondly, they happened to glance up and one point or another. Most of the school except for them was displayed on a gleaming picture on the wall. These pictures had been strategically placed about the school. After all, it wasn't every day you got to see the entire school covered in their dinner. Ron turned out to be very proud of his "Mexican Agenda" idea.

Forgetting that they were in such close proximity with others, Draco whispered in Harry's ear: "Let's shag after this."

"Now that my idiot husband is gone, you can actually do it in public!" Narcissa beamed.

Of course, everyone knew immediately that she should absolutely not have said that.

*~*~*

Yeah, cutting it off there. ^_^() Um, sorry to all those that asked for more explicit scenes, but that's not my alley. Oh, and thanks to those that offered to help me, but I feel odd enough writing what's already here! ::sigh::

Okay, and once again, sorry this chapter's so late. And it's a bit short. X_x Ugh. Anyway, the last thing I'll be doing with this story will be the epilogue! That's going to be up at no specific date… and be warned, there will be two versions. The Snape/Lucius/random version, and the one I probably should write. @.@

Thanks everyone for reading this! ::blows kisses:: You all rock. Oh, and please tell me if this chapter doesn't flow with the rest of the story. I tried to make it, but I switched over to writing anime for so long I'm afraid I screwed something up. X.x Well, whether I did or didn't, please review!