She was gone. In one instance, Tim's entire life changed. He changed.
He tried to see her at first. He'd wait by her patrol car in the morning or late in the afternoon. Sometimes, she'd get to the door, see him, turn around and go back upstairs. Other times he was sure someone had tipped her off he was there. Either way, she wouldn't leave the building until he'd given up and gone back inside. He'd go by John's apartment, hoping to catch just her in the parking lot.
He stopped shaving. He lost weight. He grew more short-tempered and sarcastic with each passing day and just generally angry at the world. He began spending very long hours at the lab - anything to keep him from going home. Horatio quietly sympathized with him, keeping him off any of John Hagen's cases. Eric tried to keep Speed's mind occupied with other things, and Calleigh tried desperately not to get in his way.
Then he began avoiding her. He would catch a glimpse of her and walk the other way. He parked his bike on a different lot. He convinced himself that she didn't love him enough - at least not enough to fight for what they had. But in reality, he knew if he saw her, if he spoke to her, even for a second, he'd never be able to move on with his life. He'd cleaned Jennifer Hagen out of the apartment, but he couldn't clean her out of his heart.
Losing his best friend was the only thing that even remotely came close to losing her. Tim had packed up and moved from Syracuse after that. He ended up in Miami, living with his friend's uncle, who happened to work at the crime lab. He'd started a whole new life.
I could do it again, he thought. Pack up and leave, get a fresh start somewhere. But just when he'd made up his mind to leave, he'd been shot in the chest during dispo-day. His Kevlar vest caught the bullet, but the officer driving the van hadn't been so lucky. When he'd gotten home that evening, he checked the caller ID. One of the screens read, Hagen, J - her cell phone number. He checked the answering machine. Her message was short and simple: "I'm really glad you're okay."
"Tim!" the voice startled him and brought him back to reality. He turned and faced the door. It was Delko.
"Hey, man, you okay? I've been calling your name for, like, two minutes and you keep ignoring me." Eric looked very concerned about his best friend.
"Fine. We got anything critical going on right now?"
"No, why?" Eric eyes Tim suspiciously.
"Cause I'm gonna get out of here for a while. You can page me if anything comes up." Tim took his lab coat off and hung it near the door.
Before Delko could say another word, Tim left the lab, grabbed his helmet out of his locker, and exited the building. He walked to his bike and got on, not exactly sure where he was going, but knowing he needed to ride.
The bike seemed to steer itself. Thirty minutes later, he arrived at his destination, not totally conscious of how he'd gotten there. He didn't notice the red roadster parked across from him.
In the six weeks after they'd lost Emily, Tim and Jennifer had contacted the cemetery where Jennifer's father was buried about planting a tree in their daughter's honor. Jennifer thought it would help them heal. The owners agreed and the couple planted the tree right across from Mr. Hagen's headstone, near a bench and facing the pond. They never told anyone about the tree.
As he neared the tree, he noticed someone sitting on the bench, gazing out at the pond. It was Jennifer. Now, he had a decision to make. He could turn and walk away, leaving her here, or he could face her, and maybe put all these feelings to rest, finally.
"Hey." He stepped up behind her, but she didn't turn around to face him. He could tell she'd been crying.
"Hey." She wiped her face, and continued to stare at the pond, but didn't sound surprised to hear his voice.
"Can I sit down?"
"Sure." She still would not look at him. Tim sat down on the bench beside her. They sat quietly for several moments before she finally broke the silence.
"Emily would be a year old this month." Her voice broke as she said it and tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and swollen. She'd been here a while.
"Yeah." It was the only reply he could think of. "Jen, how'd we let it get like this?"
"I don't know, Tim, I honestly don't know."
"When you left, I thought you'd take a few days, cool off, and then you'd be home. I thought we'd work it out. But you never came home, and we never worked it out." Tim took a ragged breath and looked at the woman he'd loved for six years.
"I never wanted to be pregnant. I definitely never counted on getting so attached to her. When she was gone, I had this huge nothingness in my soul. I couldn't get whole again. We named her, I thought that would help. We planted this tree, I thought that would help - but nothing helped, Tim, nothing. I was so depressed. I'd let her down, I'd let you down. And then, you go and." she let her voice trail off and took a deep breath.
"Ask you to marry me." He finished the sentence for her.
"Actually, I don't think I let you get that far." She finally turned and looked at him with a half-smile.
"I never once pitied you. I loved you more than anything in the world. I just thought I was doing the right thing, for both of us."
"I know that now. But then, all I could feel was pity. I thought you pitied me, my family pitied me, my co-workers pitied me. I was so sick and tired of people feeling sorry for me. When I looked at that ring, Tim, it occurred to me that I never once thought about how losing Emily made you feel. And I realized how horrible that was." She paused and wiped her eyes again. "You don't deserve to be with someone who didn't consider your feelings. In a split second, I made up my mind. I knew I was hurting you, but I thought it'd be better to do it then than to make you suffer for a lifetime." She reached over and took his hand.
"Jen." He started, but she cut him off.
She started to cry again. "In my dreams, I did things differently. I told you how beautiful the ring was and how much I love you. I told you that I would love to marry you. That's what I wanted to do, but I was too ashamed."
"I miss you." He squeezed her hand and gazed into the beautiful jade green eyes he still saw in his dreams.
"I miss you too." He wiped away the tear streaming down her cheek. She smiled.
"Can we fix it?" He asked hopefully, turning his gaze to the pond.
She leaned into him and sighed. "You hungry?"
"Starving." He put his arm around her and hugged her gently.
"I hear Pino's has pretty good food." She tilted her head up to him and flashed the bright smile he'd fallen in love with.
"Back to where it all started, huh?" He smiled back.
"Seems like a good place to start."
As he held her tight, he thought maybe this day isn't turning out to be so bad after all.
He tried to see her at first. He'd wait by her patrol car in the morning or late in the afternoon. Sometimes, she'd get to the door, see him, turn around and go back upstairs. Other times he was sure someone had tipped her off he was there. Either way, she wouldn't leave the building until he'd given up and gone back inside. He'd go by John's apartment, hoping to catch just her in the parking lot.
He stopped shaving. He lost weight. He grew more short-tempered and sarcastic with each passing day and just generally angry at the world. He began spending very long hours at the lab - anything to keep him from going home. Horatio quietly sympathized with him, keeping him off any of John Hagen's cases. Eric tried to keep Speed's mind occupied with other things, and Calleigh tried desperately not to get in his way.
Then he began avoiding her. He would catch a glimpse of her and walk the other way. He parked his bike on a different lot. He convinced himself that she didn't love him enough - at least not enough to fight for what they had. But in reality, he knew if he saw her, if he spoke to her, even for a second, he'd never be able to move on with his life. He'd cleaned Jennifer Hagen out of the apartment, but he couldn't clean her out of his heart.
Losing his best friend was the only thing that even remotely came close to losing her. Tim had packed up and moved from Syracuse after that. He ended up in Miami, living with his friend's uncle, who happened to work at the crime lab. He'd started a whole new life.
I could do it again, he thought. Pack up and leave, get a fresh start somewhere. But just when he'd made up his mind to leave, he'd been shot in the chest during dispo-day. His Kevlar vest caught the bullet, but the officer driving the van hadn't been so lucky. When he'd gotten home that evening, he checked the caller ID. One of the screens read, Hagen, J - her cell phone number. He checked the answering machine. Her message was short and simple: "I'm really glad you're okay."
"Tim!" the voice startled him and brought him back to reality. He turned and faced the door. It was Delko.
"Hey, man, you okay? I've been calling your name for, like, two minutes and you keep ignoring me." Eric looked very concerned about his best friend.
"Fine. We got anything critical going on right now?"
"No, why?" Eric eyes Tim suspiciously.
"Cause I'm gonna get out of here for a while. You can page me if anything comes up." Tim took his lab coat off and hung it near the door.
Before Delko could say another word, Tim left the lab, grabbed his helmet out of his locker, and exited the building. He walked to his bike and got on, not exactly sure where he was going, but knowing he needed to ride.
The bike seemed to steer itself. Thirty minutes later, he arrived at his destination, not totally conscious of how he'd gotten there. He didn't notice the red roadster parked across from him.
In the six weeks after they'd lost Emily, Tim and Jennifer had contacted the cemetery where Jennifer's father was buried about planting a tree in their daughter's honor. Jennifer thought it would help them heal. The owners agreed and the couple planted the tree right across from Mr. Hagen's headstone, near a bench and facing the pond. They never told anyone about the tree.
As he neared the tree, he noticed someone sitting on the bench, gazing out at the pond. It was Jennifer. Now, he had a decision to make. He could turn and walk away, leaving her here, or he could face her, and maybe put all these feelings to rest, finally.
"Hey." He stepped up behind her, but she didn't turn around to face him. He could tell she'd been crying.
"Hey." She wiped her face, and continued to stare at the pond, but didn't sound surprised to hear his voice.
"Can I sit down?"
"Sure." She still would not look at him. Tim sat down on the bench beside her. They sat quietly for several moments before she finally broke the silence.
"Emily would be a year old this month." Her voice broke as she said it and tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and swollen. She'd been here a while.
"Yeah." It was the only reply he could think of. "Jen, how'd we let it get like this?"
"I don't know, Tim, I honestly don't know."
"When you left, I thought you'd take a few days, cool off, and then you'd be home. I thought we'd work it out. But you never came home, and we never worked it out." Tim took a ragged breath and looked at the woman he'd loved for six years.
"I never wanted to be pregnant. I definitely never counted on getting so attached to her. When she was gone, I had this huge nothingness in my soul. I couldn't get whole again. We named her, I thought that would help. We planted this tree, I thought that would help - but nothing helped, Tim, nothing. I was so depressed. I'd let her down, I'd let you down. And then, you go and." she let her voice trail off and took a deep breath.
"Ask you to marry me." He finished the sentence for her.
"Actually, I don't think I let you get that far." She finally turned and looked at him with a half-smile.
"I never once pitied you. I loved you more than anything in the world. I just thought I was doing the right thing, for both of us."
"I know that now. But then, all I could feel was pity. I thought you pitied me, my family pitied me, my co-workers pitied me. I was so sick and tired of people feeling sorry for me. When I looked at that ring, Tim, it occurred to me that I never once thought about how losing Emily made you feel. And I realized how horrible that was." She paused and wiped her eyes again. "You don't deserve to be with someone who didn't consider your feelings. In a split second, I made up my mind. I knew I was hurting you, but I thought it'd be better to do it then than to make you suffer for a lifetime." She reached over and took his hand.
"Jen." He started, but she cut him off.
She started to cry again. "In my dreams, I did things differently. I told you how beautiful the ring was and how much I love you. I told you that I would love to marry you. That's what I wanted to do, but I was too ashamed."
"I miss you." He squeezed her hand and gazed into the beautiful jade green eyes he still saw in his dreams.
"I miss you too." He wiped away the tear streaming down her cheek. She smiled.
"Can we fix it?" He asked hopefully, turning his gaze to the pond.
She leaned into him and sighed. "You hungry?"
"Starving." He put his arm around her and hugged her gently.
"I hear Pino's has pretty good food." She tilted her head up to him and flashed the bright smile he'd fallen in love with.
"Back to where it all started, huh?" He smiled back.
"Seems like a good place to start."
As he held her tight, he thought maybe this day isn't turning out to be so bad after all.