A/N: This chappie's got a diary entry feel to it, sorry if that's not your thing!
Welcome to My World
Kayo
Chapter XIX: Herbal Essence Is the Best
If it hadn't been for Shawn's desperate need for sleep, as well as Jared's, they might've heard the people entering the Star residence. Unfortunately, neither son nor Istari heard or smelt the older man. And that was the way Mr. Star liked it. The two girls he brought with him were both donned in very tight clothes, implanted breasts practically falling out of their respective place. Loads of makeup was overdone on their eyes and overall face. How they came to be with the grease ball that was Mr. Jacob Star, only the bar tender will know.
As they stumbled into the house, one woman tripped on the rug, and proceeded to give off a hideous and drunken laugh. The other woman giggled and held onto Mr. Star for dear life, both of them almost falling from his clutches. He lifted them onto his broad shoulders, causing even more laughter. "Put us down!" They giggled and kicked their feet in front of his face.
"QUIET!" He practically yelled. "Me boy's asheep, do't wake 'im up!" Apparently, he hadn't noticed the other body on the other couch. If he did, he had dismissed it. They proceeded to Mr. Star's door, also the location of a certain Elf's dwelling.
~*~
Legolas woke even before the man got to the door. Having learned from before that answering the door while naked was a bad idea (what could Legolas say? He liked the feel of blankets touching his skin!), he let his senses pound in his head. Jared would surely wake up from all the noise the intruders were making. Shawn wouldn't let some stranger in, would he? He heard several women laughing, and a man shouting. Now that would wake up the two thick-skulled boys, wouldn't it?
The door opened, and Jared and Shawn were no where in sight.
Legolas held his breath. Maybe if he slowly edged his way off the bed before the people noticed him, he could slither out the door, now wide open. Clutching the blanket, he peered over at the new occupants. A man was blocking his view of those in front of him. The man himself was rather big, and Legolas could smell cheap alcohol radiating from the sweaty and stinky body. There was a faint odor of some kind of smoke, one that Legolas couldn't recognize.
Legolas realized a tad too late that the man seemed to be stripping down, discarding his clothes wherever they happened to fall. Legolas wanted to shield his eyes from the rolls of fat that seemed to envelope the man, but the sudden movements allowed him sight of the two women accompanying him. Legolas could do nothing but gawk. Was it even possible?? Could humans have such…enormous breasts?!? They were so firm and bouncy; unreal! It took Legolas a moment to realize their faces were painted as his was when Chloe and Nina disguised him as a gothic punk thing. Only theirs were as hot pink as Chloe's head. He inched further and further into the covers.
Legolas was a proud warrior, no doubt about that. But when three nude people stood before him, laughing and giggling, and no doubt about to do something that NO Elf in Middle Earth would ever want to witness (other than the perverted ones ::coughElrohircough::), Legolas laid still in pure mortification of what was about to happen…with him in the room. If he jumped up taking all three people by surprise, something bad was bound to happen. If he laid in the bed, they would surely sit/pounce/do naughty things to him. If he slowly got up and went under the bed or in the closet, he would be subject to the act of human reproduction…
As if Fate wanted Legolas to embark on some predetermined destiny, Legolas was flung from the bed as the fat man jumped on, dragging both girls with him. He landed on the floor, and immediately looked up to see if the people had noticed. And they had. Three pairs of eyes stared at the naked Elven form, all in a drunken stupor and very…horny to put it lightly.
"Anada gurl to joeen us! 'M like Jamess Bund!" squealed Mr. Star. He jumped from the bed, the two women bouncing around with their hair flipping wildly. He landed on top of the frightened Elf, who was scrambling to escape from the compounds of the blasted blanket.
"TAMPA, tiuka!!" (STOP, fatty!) Legolas managed to squirm away from the grasp of the greasy man. "Ya raika o lle???" (What is wrong with you???) Legolas backed up to the corner of the room…still naked.
Mr. Star squinted at the strange-talking person before him. Was she Spanish? Maybe French? With a blood alcohol level that would put any man into a coma, Mr. Star couldn't even begin to realize who he had stumbled upon, nevertheless notice that "she" was a "he." The two women on the bed, however, did.
"Ohmygod! That's so a guy!" exclaimed one. The other nodded her head furiously and pointed at Legolas.
"And he's ::hiccup:: naked!"
To thank Elbereth wouldn't nearly show Legolas's devotion to his savior as Shawn and Jared walked/limped into the room.
"AHH! DAD!!" Shawn blocked his eyes. "Put some clothes on! All of you!!"
Whoa Legolas. Naked much? The Istari stared at the two women in the room.
I wasn't expecting a drunken man to try to rape me!!! Legolas defended himself while grabbing the discarded blanket from the floor.
"Hello ladies. Might I say that it's a fine night? Now would you please either sleep with me or leave the house." They grabbed their clothes and cold shouldered Jared. "Ya, I know. You have to force yourself to resist."
Shawn punched Jared in the arm. "Dad…what are you doing home…and with two women…and trying to…ahh…feel up my friend?" He wasn't quite comfortable discussing his father's "relationships." Mr. Star stood up.
"Well I shaw yur friend ther an' tought e was a gurl. Tought e'd like ta joeen us!" He threw his pants on. "Why 'r y'all 'ere?"
"'Cause I live here Dad, and I invited some friends over. Where were you all weekend?" Though I guess I already know.
"I washat dat new club down ther. Got a lil dr'nk I s'pose." He threw on the shirt he had just been wearing. "Guess'll go fine me ladies 'gin." He looked at Legolas. "You'da been a hot gurl!" And with that last comment, Mr. Star was never to be seen again. At least until the next time he tried to pick up some hookers.
I don't suppose I'll ever have a pleasant night again, will I? Legolas asked no one in particular. Jared threw an arm around the Elf.
Of course not! Welcome to Edison, my friend!
~*~
The course of the next few days was rather boring compared to the utter insanity of the weekend. Seeing as how school was officially closed, giving our beloved hero and Elf the chance to "bond," the group of misfits returned to their daily routine…which was not so daily anymore. Nina and Chloe returned home so that their parents wouldn't suspect anything suspicious or start calling each other's houses. Megan was as cute as ever, hugging Legolas whenever the opportunity presented itself. Shawn would head up to the high school and scope out how many people were around as they waited for a chance to send Legolas home. And Jared, Jared was assigned the task of teaching Legolas English. Why Chloe and Nina were so persistent? Because neither Shawn nor Nina knew Sindarin, as well as Megan.
Shawn, being a manly-man (Jared scoffed at this), kept a journal, NOT A DIARY, and proceeded to write the course of the week following the weekend, with the occasional intruders who had to write an entry as well.
Monday – Shawn
Thank god Nina and Chloe are gone. Don't know if I'd be able to put up with them any longer. Nina in "Legolas is my GOD" mode is not something I can stand for so long. Luckily, the only times it's happened was when the first two movies were released…and of course now. Though I guess I can't blame her. If I were a girl, I'm sure I'd love Legolas. WHOA NOT GOING THERE!
Jared's been having a ball with teaching Legolas English. Once again, the "English for Dummies" cd comes into play. Oh look, he can understand parts of what I'm writing. Ya, he's looking over my shoulder right now. Please get off. Thank you. Anyway, Legolas told us he feels like he's in class with Thaniel again. Thaniel?? Whatever. I'm sure he/she's a lovely teacher. Just lovely. He said something about Thaniel wanting to kick his ass when he returns to Middle-Earth though. Wonder what that's about?
Meg's been practicing several different hair styles, on Legolas of course. Let's see, I've seen a French braid (wow a five year old can do that!), fishtail, and several kinds of knots. I don't think I ever want to witness Legolas with knots again. He's very protective of his hair. The only reason he lets Meg even play with it is because she's cute, and because something like he has a niece? Once again, he doesn't tell us anything. Stupid Elf.
So today was rather quiet. Wake up, eat, battle orcs, save the world from a platypus bent on world domination and the end to the discrimination of platypi, teach Legolas English, host a party where everyone got drunk and the cops showed up, saw Legolas and arrested him for having illegal ears, and went to bed.
Tuesday – Legolas/Shawn
I am writing this as a – ai! – AN exercise for Jared. I do not like English. I hope Merry and Pippin are okay. I fear they might be harmed with the uruk-hai. Shawn went up to the school today and there were not as many people as the previous day. Jared has told me to write this: I use Herbal Essence and that is OKAY. Shawn uses Herbal Essence and that is okay TOO. I do not understand this world. I cannot wait for this to be over. Battling orcs and uruk-hai is much easier than this.
~Later on that night~
Hm, looks like Jared made Legolas type today. He told me it took him something like an hour to do that itty-bitty paragraph. How sad. My typing skillz far surpass that untalented fairy tale creature! Hm, don't know who's going to read this though. Probably shouldn't make fun of him at all. Anyway, in retrospect today, Nina came over for a visit. She taught Legolas Egyptian Rat Trap (also know by many other names such as Atomic War, Rat Screw, and that's all I can think of). She put Chloe on speaker phone so they could all understand each other. Though I must say, Jared does have a way with teaching. If he wasn't an Istari and if he didn't have to return to Middle-Earth some day, I would expect him to become a foreign language teacher.
Meg and Legolas went out to pick flowers in the forest after Nina left. Jared was taking a break from staring at the computer screen all day. I don't blame him. Though I suppose looking through a pair of binoculars at the football field isn't all that great either. Yep, that's right. They (meaning Nina and Chloe) exiled my from my house to watch for when everyone up there leaves. Legolas has them wrapped around his pinky about this whole "I want to go home" thing. With I had a girl wrapped around my pinky…
As a side note, Legolas now has a thing for cards and pizza. Amazing, we should bring him to an Italian restaurant. If only he wouldn't mind going incognito again. Though this time I think I'd just give him something to wear. Heh heh. Ghetto Legolas with bandana and all! Oh, the possibilities. Well, I'm off. I think Meg wanted Legolas to read her a bed time story (since he can read now). Damn he's a fast learner.
Wednesday – Jared
Reporting that all is well and Shawn is a flaming homosexual. Haha, ya. Then I could get Nina for sure. Reminds me of when he voluntarily hugged Legolas to escape the guards at the high school. English lessons go quite well. They don't call me an Istari for nothing. My secret: since Legolas can use his own power and Shawn's to get home, I've been using mine to speed up his learning. Hey, maybe then when I go back me and Leg can have some "secret discussions" when everyone is around and no one will know what we're saying. Though I don't know if I'm going to give up this personality. Too much fun. I'll just tell them this place corrupted me to the point where I know who and what I am but it's been altered to a state of no return. That should be fine.
And for my next trick: TA DA! We found Legolas tied up in the basement this morning. Nina and Chloe had some…kinky fun with him. I don't think the Elf had ever been so happy to see another human. Legolas: Please don't leave me alone with these…these…things again! Me and Shawn: Okay, no more whips and hand cuffs for those two!
I have this feeling. Something is going to happen when we send Legolas home. My thoughts on this matter: I can see Chloe and/or Nina trying to tie themselves to Legolas and return to Middle-Earth with him. Oh man, that'd be like bringing back two new sources of Evil to Middle-Earth. Forget Sauron, fangirls will rule Mordor. Ai Elbereth!
Thursday – Nina/Chloe
Heya! Nina here! And Chloe here! Mhm, I'm writing without italics! And I'm writing WITH them so no one will get confuzzled. Today was a great day. We're sleeping over again tonight and have set up a full-proof trap on how to get Legolas in leather pants. It was in a fanfic we read once. "How To Get Legolas into Leather Pants" by Kitty Meian. That was an excellent essay if I do say so myself. I must concur. First, we made some Lembas bread, thanks to a recipe we found online. We also found some Herbal Essence shampoo, since Legolas seems to have taken a liking to it (note: he's so taking that back to Middle-Earth with him).
According to the essay, we set up a snare trap with Lembas bread in the middle of it in the hallway which leads to the bathroom, where the Herbal Essence shampoo is located. Legolas is sure to want to take a shower before he goes to bed and will be burnt out from another Jared/English session. Since there are two of us, and since Shawn and Jared took our whips and hand cuffs away, we're both going to subdue Legolas once his ankle is caught in the snare. Then we're going to take out a pair of black leather pants that I bought yesterday and carefully put them on our lil Elfling. And see full frontal presenting! (We also have a sock to put in his mouth if he screams!)
This should be most interesting. We'll get back to you little journal once our plan is complete.
~Later that night~
He has his knives on him. Which means he cut the snare. And when we pinned him down…He easily got up and ran away…This is the saddest day of my life.
Friday – Shawn
It's morning right now. I walked down to the bakery and bought some doughnuts for everyone, though Legolas didn't like them too much. I sent Jared out to look at the football field. It's been slowly but surely getting better. Our chances are rising everyday! And Legolas can speak English really good. And yes, I did read Jared's entry here and saw that he's been interfering with Legolas's brain. Heh heh, in a way that's kind of funny. I found a pair of leather pants in the hallway last night. When I asked about them to Nina and Chloe, they ran away. I'll have to read their entry later. Huh? Oh, looks like Jared's back…
NO ONE'S UP THERE! Time for Legolas to return! And I'm being kicked off.
::Signed off::
tbc…
Sorry to leave you guys there! But yes, sadly the next chapter is the last! And sorry if you didn't like the diary thing or if it wasn't all that funny, but I wanted to go through a week without having to actually go through the week, if you know what I mean, and a diary sort of thing was the best way to do that. So give me your opinion on that.
Responses to Reviews:
Dreamstrifer: Woo! Drivers licensees are FUN! I have my permit and must schedule road lessons ::ICK:: I love Legolas. Lol, though I think that's apparent since I'm writing a fic to him. And ya, you must update. ::glares::
lotrgirls: girls…does that mean there's more than one of you? Lol, just wondering. This chapter took a while on cos I was having difficulties figuring out HOW to write it. Hope you liked it though!
AraelMoonChild: ^_^ Yay! People laugh at things that I write! It's an accomplishment! Next chapter should be fun! ^_^ I'm going to try to make it funny and sad at the same time.
Lindiel Eryn: Shawn's dad is…drunk…lol. I had to have a cameo by him. And so if any of you want to know, Shawn's dad did not return once at all the rest of the week. Why? Cos I said so. Or he died. Whichever you want, lol.
Nina: Shawn's always in trouble. He's going to be in more trouble. Look at the trouble he causes! Bad Shawn BAD! And ya, I never saw Space Jam. Sorry!
Das Blume: hahaha, don't we all want to be the tree that always gets to feel up Legolas? That's a good quote! ^_^ I'm putting that in my binder! Shawn's dad tried to rape Legolas, ::laughs:: Legolas is such a girl. Look! Now it's been a week with Legolas! So does that make it a living hell or heaven?
SilverLady04: Legolas's reaction to being almost raped: I shall never touch another human again for the rest of my life.
Lolly: Nina and Chloe's attempts never work. Which in actuality is good for Legolas. We gotta keep him in the V club. I salute Megan's attempts at braiding hair. Have you ever let little kids play with your hair before?? OUCH
lolly pop: Lolly, and lolly pop. Two names that are so similar. Coincidence? Probably, but hey, I thought it was funny. ^_^ Now I want candy…
Vaniwen Calenlas: hahahaha, Legolas is the kind of guy you want to dress up and hang on your wall and admire and touch and rape and do nasty things to kind of Elf. ^_^ I like Elves.
And so concludes the chapter. A note to Josh: if you don't review soon, I'm stealing your hat. No, not the new one, but the old one that's broken in. And I'll kill of Jared. Cos I have the power, and it's called the IownakeyboardandaweirdmindandthisismyficsoIcandowhateverIwant power. Don't forget to review!