"Why are you doing this to me!" she yelled louder and louder each time
someone took a breath. "WHY!"
Susan took a step forward, resting a hand on her shoulder."Abby?"
Abby shrug off the kind gesture, running out into the ambulance bay.
Carter just leaned against the desk.
************************************
************************************
i feel like a pain
it draws me in again
sqaushes all my worst of me
darkness in my veins
I never could explain
and i wonder if you have ever seen
and still believe
*************************************
*************************************
The words echoed in her head, over and over.
"They said someone died. A Kovac?"
Over and over. Abby knelt down in front of the hospital, hands on her
ears. Making the voice quiet. Her shoulders, her back, her body shook
with sobs.
"Did you know him? Was he a good man?"
She made herself vomit, wretching in her head, in ears, anything to
block the voices. Abby threw up till her throat was raw, her eyes were
burning, and she weaved back and forth like she was drunk."Who needs help..
with a patient? Anyone?"
"Go home, Abby" Gallant stepped forward. She recognized his face. That was
Gallant's big boy face. Trying to be the brave one military man face.
And she challenged him.
**************************************
**************************************
am I that strong
to carry on
have i changed your life
have i changed my world
could you save me ahhhhha
*************************************
*************************************
No matter how hard she stared, Carter kept dancing circles around her.
When she finally gathered up the courage to talk to him, he was gone.
Gone. Not even a shadow, haunting the corners of her brain, of her heart.
"He..went after Luka" Randi bit her bottom lip, eyes darting away from
Abby's piercing eyes."He said to give you this". She handed Abby the carefully
creased and delicately closed envelope.
"Fuck it" Abby muttered, shredding the letter in her hands.
"I was lost, now I'm found"
No one stopped her from running out of the hospital. No one moved. They
stood and watched. Watched and just waited for her to leave before
the whispering started. Abby knew. She had done it herself.
Talked about the person with the broken heart behind their backs. Made
their life more sensational than it was, anything for a thrill.
She hated herself then.
**********************************
**********************************
You see me hanging round
starting to swear about this black hole of a dark field
and silently within hands touchin skin sharp
breaks my disease and i can breath
*************************************
*************************************
Abby sat. Sat and shivered, arms hugging herself,clinging hard to any warmth
that was left.
It was like the cement steps leading up to Luka's apartment were sponges,
sucking the life and heat from her body. Taking her away, too, just like
his passion and drive had taken him away from her.
She sat and waited.
************************************
************************************
and all of your ways
and all that you dream
falls on me
it falls on me
***********************************
***********************************
No one flipped the calendar to the new page. The new month. No one bothered
to answer the phones.
People walked back and forth past Abby. Sometimes they spoke to her. They asked
for her kind words, compassion, they asked her to heal them. She nodded. She
bandaged. And she waited.
Her mother would have told her her eyes were dead. She was cold to the world.
There was no life there anymore. And Abby had set up her answer already.
There was no reason to be alive. There was no reason to stay in this gray, dark,
wet hell, and wait to die.
"Abby! Phone! It's Carter!"
someone took a breath. "WHY!"
Susan took a step forward, resting a hand on her shoulder."Abby?"
Abby shrug off the kind gesture, running out into the ambulance bay.
Carter just leaned against the desk.
************************************
************************************
i feel like a pain
it draws me in again
sqaushes all my worst of me
darkness in my veins
I never could explain
and i wonder if you have ever seen
and still believe
*************************************
*************************************
The words echoed in her head, over and over.
"They said someone died. A Kovac?"
Over and over. Abby knelt down in front of the hospital, hands on her
ears. Making the voice quiet. Her shoulders, her back, her body shook
with sobs.
"Did you know him? Was he a good man?"
She made herself vomit, wretching in her head, in ears, anything to
block the voices. Abby threw up till her throat was raw, her eyes were
burning, and she weaved back and forth like she was drunk."Who needs help..
with a patient? Anyone?"
"Go home, Abby" Gallant stepped forward. She recognized his face. That was
Gallant's big boy face. Trying to be the brave one military man face.
And she challenged him.
**************************************
**************************************
am I that strong
to carry on
have i changed your life
have i changed my world
could you save me ahhhhha
*************************************
*************************************
No matter how hard she stared, Carter kept dancing circles around her.
When she finally gathered up the courage to talk to him, he was gone.
Gone. Not even a shadow, haunting the corners of her brain, of her heart.
"He..went after Luka" Randi bit her bottom lip, eyes darting away from
Abby's piercing eyes."He said to give you this". She handed Abby the carefully
creased and delicately closed envelope.
"Fuck it" Abby muttered, shredding the letter in her hands.
"I was lost, now I'm found"
No one stopped her from running out of the hospital. No one moved. They
stood and watched. Watched and just waited for her to leave before
the whispering started. Abby knew. She had done it herself.
Talked about the person with the broken heart behind their backs. Made
their life more sensational than it was, anything for a thrill.
She hated herself then.
**********************************
**********************************
You see me hanging round
starting to swear about this black hole of a dark field
and silently within hands touchin skin sharp
breaks my disease and i can breath
*************************************
*************************************
Abby sat. Sat and shivered, arms hugging herself,clinging hard to any warmth
that was left.
It was like the cement steps leading up to Luka's apartment were sponges,
sucking the life and heat from her body. Taking her away, too, just like
his passion and drive had taken him away from her.
She sat and waited.
************************************
************************************
and all of your ways
and all that you dream
falls on me
it falls on me
***********************************
***********************************
No one flipped the calendar to the new page. The new month. No one bothered
to answer the phones.
People walked back and forth past Abby. Sometimes they spoke to her. They asked
for her kind words, compassion, they asked her to heal them. She nodded. She
bandaged. And she waited.
Her mother would have told her her eyes were dead. She was cold to the world.
There was no life there anymore. And Abby had set up her answer already.
There was no reason to be alive. There was no reason to stay in this gray, dark,
wet hell, and wait to die.
"Abby! Phone! It's Carter!"