Title: To Dream These Dreams
Author: DragonLight
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Pre-slash, Drama
Pairings: HP/HG, HP/SS (Pre-slash)
Summary: Harry comes to terms with what he has learned about his father and Snape - MAJOR OotP Spoilers
Author's Notes: Part of the Post OotP FQF -- After Class Mailing List -- GROUPS YAHOO COM / GROUP / AFTER _ CLASS Challenges: A3- Harry goes to Snape to talk about his father(James) B2- Snape finally becomes the new DADA professor C2- Snape notices the scar on Harry's hand from his detentions with Umbridge and confronts him about it
Special Thanks to my Beta, Isis.
---
"Look, Harry, I found your dad's name."
Harry put down the book he was looking through for his next Defense essay. Getting up, he walked over to Ron, looking at the parchment he was reading over his shoulder. "What is it?"
"'Most Charismatic: James Potter.' It's an old copy of some unofficial school paper. Pretty cool, huh?"
Harry looked at the grinning face of his father from the front page. For some reason it reminded him of the scene in Snape's Pensieve, the friendly smile morphing into the malicious grin that he had when tormenting Snape. It was almost like Dudley's, right before he would slam his fist into Harry's stomach. Harry turned away, sickened.
"What's wrong, mate?"
Harry rubbed at his forehead. "Nothing. Just a little tired, I guess."
"But it's your dad's picture!"
"Sirius showed me the original." He was shocked at how easily the lie slipped off his tongue.
"Didn't know. Hey, look at this. 'Snape voted most vile, disgusting miscreant third year running.' The Marauders must have done this. It's all about how greasy that bastard is and how he always attacks people without provocation with the Dark Arts spells he's learned. Sounds just like him, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, Ron. Just like him." Harry picked up the book he had been reading. "I'm feeling worse. I think that I'm just going to go and rest."
"All right, mate. I'm just going to stay here and keep reading this." Ron glanced at him on his way out. "If you see Hermione, you are not – under any circumstances – to tell her I'm in the library."
"Okay." When Harry last looked at Ron before leaving the library he was silently chuckling to himself. Probably over that article about Snape.
---
Halfway to Gryffindor Tower he changed his mind and turned toward the dungeons and Snape's office.
"What do you want, Potter?"
Harry stepped into the room, trying not to flinch at as the memories from the last time he had been in this office flooded his mind. He purposely kept his eyes from straying to the place where Snape had pulled the jar of roaches from. He stopped in front of the desk and looked at his professor, and Harry got the impression that Snape would have preferred to ignore him; he had yet to look up and was apparently concentration rather hard on the essay in front of him.
"Why did you put up with it?"
Snape slammed down his quill. "What are you babbling about now?"
"My father, the Marauders. Why did you let them treat you like that?"
"This is not something that I want to talk about, Potter. Leave."
"I need to know."
"You need no such thing."
"Please!"
They stared at each other for a minute, neither moving, trying to determine when the other would give. Snape closed his eyes and sighed. "I didn't *let* them do anything."
"But you knew curses and—"
"Don't believe everything you hear. Your godfather had quite the imagination."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't come to school knowing every Dark Arts curse there was. I doubt I knew any, and if I did... it's not important."
"So they made up a reason?"
"They didn't need to." Snape waved his hand in a vague gesture. "You've seen the type. People who find the one person that they don't think will fight back."
"The one person that they can get away with hurting."
Snape stared. It was quiet and then, "If that is all, Potter. This little trip down memory lane isn't at all pleasant, as I'm sure you can imagine."
Harry nodded. He didn't know what to say, but couldn't just walk out of the office without saying anything. "Thank you, Professor." The last thing he expected was an answer.
"Thank the Headmaster. It's only at his insistence that I answer your questions."
Harry rushed out of the room, his footfalls echoing off the stone walls all the way into the upper portions of the castle.
---
Harry was in the Pensieve again. He couldn't remember how he had got in there. He hadn't had any meetings with Snape, and he hadn't seen it at his last session with Dumbledore. Somehow he had fallen in and was looking at his father and Snape outside after their O.W.L.s.
His father had his wand raised and was pointing it at Snape, who wasn't looking at him, just making his way across the grounds toward the castle. And then there was the moment of realization when Snape looked up and saw James Potter pointing a wand at him.
Harry blinked, and when he opened his eyes he was no longer standing off to the side, as a silent observer. He was in Snape's place, his father pointing a wand at him. But it changed, and he watched as James Potter slowly transformed into his cousin Dudley, his wand getting longer and thicker until it turned into his Smelting Stick. But it didn't stay a 'Smelting stick' for long. Within moments it had changed back into a wand, and one look into Dudley's face told Harry that he knew how to use it.
"Stupid, Potter. Do you think that if we had these freak powers we'd let you alone? You've always been a pathetic weakling,"
Harry started backing away, but it was no use. "*Expelliarmus!*" Harry flew up in the air for a brief moment before crashing down to the ground. He could already feel the bruises forming.
From his place on the ground, Harry watched as Sirius walked toward him and Dudley. He was sure that he would help him. There was no doubt that Sirius would, until he changed into Piers. Using his arms and legs in mimicry of a spider he scrambled backwards. He had only managed to get a few feet away before Sirius -- no Piers -- hit him with the Impediment Jinx.
Then the pounding in his ears began, but it wasn't pounding at all. It was laughter. All around him faces were pressing, in laughing. Harry squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the sound, focusing on getting out of the hex and not on his taunting classmates.
He knew the moment that his arms could move again, and grabbed for his wand. It wasn't where it usually was and Harry struggled trying to find it, then finally he pulled it out and aimed at his cousin, one of the curses he had learned on his tongue. Not quick enough. Dudley -- no, his father -- no, it was Dudley, with darker hair, cast a spell flipping him upside down. The robes fell around his face, blocking his vision, but he could feel the overly large clothes bunching up.
"Harry Potter doesn't even have clothes that fit!"
"His muggle cousin can kick his arse."
"This pathetic excuse for a wizard is supposed to save us?"
Each statement was greeted with a burst of laughter from the crowd he knew was gathered around him.
"So, who wants to see Potter's pants? They don't fit right, either." And Harry couldn't tell if it was Dudley's or his father's voice that he heard...
---
Harry woke up. He was lying perfectly still in his bed at Hogwarts, he was not outside, and Dudley didn't have a wand. He swiped at his upper lip with his tongue, licking at the cool sweat gathered there. Turning on his side, he drew his legs up against his chest, wrapping his arms around them, and concentrated on his breathing.
It was a long while before he was able to fall back asleep.
---
Christmas holidays found Harry at 12 Grimmauld Place, helping Remus to finish the cleaning and the few renovations Dumbledore had asked for since Sirius had left the old house to the Order. The first thing they did was coat the portrait of Sirius' mother with a paint removing potion.
"Never did like that woman."
Harry hid a chuckle. Remus looked much too pleased staring at the blank canvas.
"And I think that will do it for the night. Don't forget the Weasleys will be stopping by tomorrow to help with the upstairs."
Harry nodded and started to his room. The light-hearted mood of the evening disappeared the closer he got to it. As much as his dreams of the cemetery and Voldemort frightened him, these new dreams of Snape's Pensieve disturbed him.
He knew this wasn't Voldemort's doing; it was some twisted portion of his own brain that was creating these scenes. Everyone he knew had a place. At times Ron would take Pettigrew's place, staring at his tormenters in awe. And then Hermione would be in Remus' place, not doing anything to stop them, her nose stuck in a book.
And Harry knew that neither of those things would happen. Hermione and Ron were his friends; he knew they would always stand by him. At least he thought so. It was just a dream, and he would keep telling himself that.
But no matter how many times he told himself, it never stopped him waking up and shaking with the sound of laughter reverberating around his head.
---
"Remus, what was school like, for you and..."
"And the rest of the Marauders?"
Harry nodded.
Remus smiled slightly before putting his book down and turning to Harry. "Well, we used to play pranks on the students and teachers. They were harmless, really. And James and Sirius used to have to fight off the girls, which always annoyed your father no end. He used to do things to get your mother's attention and she would just scoff at him." He laughed quietly. "Your father and Sirius were best friends, Harry. They did so much together. I remember once they even started a school paper before bringing Peter and me in on it. And they wouldn't have, if they hadn't needed help."
Harry stared at the wall. Remus made it sound so normal. Like they never did anything wrong. "It's surprising with all that stuff that they found the time to make poor Snivellus' life hell isn't it? That's what's they called Snape, wasn't it?"
Remus stopped and looked at him, really looked at him. "Harry, you aren't still on about that Pensieve incident, are you? We told you that we were just kids."
"That's not an excuse." Harry swallowed. "Do you realize that that's what Dudley used to do to me? He used to chase me around the school yard, and no one would help because they didn't want to get Dudley mad at them. He was the popular one, you realize. Mostly because people were scared of him. It got to the point that I would just stop running, because if I ran and he caught me, he'd punch me all the harder."
Remus looked as if he was going to go straight to the Dursleys and do something rash, but that wasn't what Harry wanted. "The only thing that keeps him away from me now is that fact that I have a wand. There are times that I really want to use it on him too."
"Harry, why didn't you tell me this? I could have done something."
"It doesn't matter. They've mostly let me alone since I started Hogwarts. Afraid my freak nature might rub off on them or something. But that's not the point." Harry paused to take a breath. "You see, the way I see things is that Snape learned to curse first, just so the damn Marauders wouldn't torture him. There's an old Muggle saying. 'What goes around, comes around.' What sucks is that I got what was coming to my father." Harry stood. "'Night, Remus."
---
Harry stared at his porridge the next morning, his eyes wide and bloodshot. Sleep hadn't come to him; instead the conversation with Remus had played through his head until he passed out from sheer exhaustion.
"Harry?" Remus stepped through the kitchen door, but didn't come close to the table.
"I'm sorry about last night, Remus. I didn't mean to get upset at you, it's just that-"
But Remus cut him off. "That you aren't your father. I know. Harry, I always told Sirius that he shouldn't mix you up with him, but it seems that I've been doing the same thing. I just never realized how different from him you really are."
Harry let his head slip down to rest on his outstretched arm. "I'm not James Potter. I don't think I'm anything like him, and I don't want to be." He sighed. "And the more I think about it, the more it seems that if I'm like anyone, I'm like Snape."
"Don't say that."
"Why, because you don't like him? He hated Sirius, he hated my father. He's never once denied those two facts. He doesn't particularly like you, either. And I can understand that. Who wouldn't hate the people that make living hard? I hate Dudley, and he knows it, and I would gladly curse him stupid if it wouldn't get me expelled. But I won't because Hogwarts is all I have. Not that it's always a better place. When people found out I was a Parselmouth the first thing they assumed was that I was Heir to Slytherin. When my name came out of the Goblet the first thing anyone thought was that I was an attention seeker and I had to be chosen. I hated it, I really did. But I would rather put up with that than having no magic while living with my relatives."
Remus sat down near him, but didn't say anything.
"So many people think they are better than other people, so they set out to prove it, any way they can. Sirius thought he was better than the rest of his family, so he went and found the first person around his age that came from a similar family that he could beat up and picked on him to prove he was better. And then that person had to deal with being humiliated in front of most of his school just because of some berk. I'd go and join the first group of people who didn't treat me like shite too. In fact, I did. I chose the Wizarding world."
Remus' hand stroked up and down his back. "I know it's hard, Harry."
"It's not. I should have expected to find out that the people I look up to were idiots."
"Why is that?"
"Because Snape's the only person that has never lied to me. I should have believed him when he said that my father strutted, and when he said everything else, because it was all true." Harry pushed his bowl away with his other hand. "I don't think I'm very hungry."
"No, I wouldn't imagine so."
---
"I'm telling you, the man's a poof!" Harry froze at Ron's words. It had taken him all over Christmas holidays and quite a few conversations with Remus to come to terms with the fact that he liked men as well as women.
"Ron!"
Ron sat down on the couch next to Hermione. "Well, it's true."
"Who are you talking about?"
"Snape, of course."
Harry released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.
"And how would you know that?"
Ron turned slightly so he could look at Hermione. "Over the holidays, I spent some time with the twins, and they had this muggle contraption that played mideos."
"Videos." Harry corrected him.
"Isn't that what I said?" Harry shook his head, and Ron shrugged. "Well, anyway, these mideos had a gay man as one of the characters and he kept sweeping his arms and hands about when he'd talk, just like Snape."
Harry bit his tongue and decided against telling Ron that he was emphasizing his points with sharp movements of his hands.
"There just aren't words for you." Hermione was staring at Ron.
"What did I say?"
Harry sighed and closed the book he had resting on his lap. "Why does it matter, because you can't prove anything with that nonsense you just spouted, if Snape is gay or not?"
"Because that means he likes men."
Hermione threw her hands up in exasperation. "So what? Some of my muggle friends came out to me this past summer. It's just a preference, Ron."
"And you still talk to them?"
"Of course she still talks to them. Why wouldn't she?"
Ron blinked in confusion a couple of times. "It's wrong."
Harry swallowed, this wasn't a good sign. "Is this a wizarding thing that I'm unaware of?"
"No, Ron's just being a prat."
"You don't know anyone who's gay, do you, Harry?"
"Actually, I do."
Hermione came over to sit on the arm of his chair. "Who?"
"I won't say."
"Why not?"
"Because Ron knows them."
Hermione nodded in understanding before pushing a strand of hair out of Harry's face and behind his ear.
"Would you stop that?!"
Hermione looked over at Ron. "Why are you jealous?"
"No. You're my best friends, and I don't want to see that. Besides, Harry needs to tell me why he won't tell me."
Harry leaned away from Hermione. "What would you do if you knew?"
"I don't know."
"That's why. If I told you and you changed the way you behaved around them, I'd have to hit you."
Ron threw his hands up. "Fine. Why don't the two of you tell me what I've got wrong?"
Harry groaned. "This is going to take all night."
"But we should amuse him, don't you think? How often does Ron tell us to give him a detailed list of all the things he got wrong?"
"Can't argue with that."
Ron looked positively indignant.
---
Harry had just gotten started reading again when Hermione accosted him. "So who is it?"
"Between you and Ron, I'm never going to be allowed to finish this, am I?"
"I've never seen you take reading so seriously before, Harry. What is that anyway?"
"A book on the theory behind Occlumency; Dumbledore wanted me to read it. It's helped a lot."
"Well, it's good that you're taking your lessons seriously this year. Do you think I can take a look at it when you're done?"
"If Dumbledore says you can." Harry went back to reading.
"You know, Ron's gone down to the kitchen to get a snack. You can tell me."
"Don't you have homework to do?"
"No." Hermione settled on his armrest again. "I finished it all last night, as you know. You and Ron teased me for an hour."
"Have it your way." Harry brought one hand to the side of Hermione's face so he could pull her ear down near his mouth. "Remus."
She turned her face to look at him. There was barely an inch between them, and Harry swallowed. "And Sirius?"
He inclined his head just a bit.
"You?" Hermione bit her lip. It had always been one of her more endearing qualities.
"Not totally."
"Well, that's good." She closed the distance between them and pressed her lips against his.
---
It was exceedingly hard to avoid someone who was in all his classes but one. Harry was only able to avoid Hermione until their next Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
"Harry, I'm sorry."
He just shook his head. "You just caught me off guard, that's all." It hadn't been a chore to kiss Hermione; it had been much nicer than kissing Cho. It had just been hard for him to realize that his best friend was very much a girl.
Before Hermione could say anything else, the door banged open, and Snape made his way to the front of the class, a slight awkwardness to his gait as if his muscles were too stiff. "There has been a slight change in our schedule for today. Today will be the practical lesson on the Litumarus Shield. We will cover the theory on Wednesday." He slammed the books he was carrying down onto his desk, making a good portion of the class jump. "Get to work!"
Malfoy raised his hand. "Sir, you didn't tell us the incantation or wand motion."
"It was in your reading." Snape sank down into his chair. "Potter!"
Harry turned to face the desk. It was then that he noticed the deep shadows under his eyes, and the strain at the corners of his mouth. "Yes, sir?"
"I believe that you've cast this shield charm multiple times. Make sure no one blunders too badly."
His eyes widened, it was a minute before he could stammer out his response. "Yes, Professor Snape."
Five minutes before the end of class, Snape went around the room handing out small slips of paper. Harry didn't open his immediately, knowing it was probably their grade for the day and that Snape had most likely found his performance lacking because he didn't cast the charm more than five times. Not that it had been his fault. After Malfoy had almost taken out one whole wall of the classroom with a mispronunciation, Harry had made sure to check on everyone like he did during the DA meetings. Snape's eyes had been closed most of the lesson, and hadn't seen him. Hermione nudged him in the side to get him to open it.
*//Grade: O
-Stay after class.//*
On her way out the door, Hermione stopped by where he was sitting at his desk. "I'll wait for you outside." Harry nodded distractedly and waited for the class to clear before he approached Snape.
"Professor Snape?"
"The Headmaster wishes that I test your progress in Occlumency. You are to report to my office at 8 pm tonight. If there are any questions as to your whereabouts you are to tell the interested parties that you are helping me in lieu of a detention with Filch. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"You can go now, Potter."
"Are you all right, sir?"
"That is none of your bloody business. Out."
Harry turned and left, pausing outside of the door only long enough to grab Hermione's books from her before heading off in the direction of the Charms corridor.
"Harry?"
He shook his head. "I'll tell you later, Hermione. We're going to be late for Charms."
---
It was one thing to stand outside the Headmaster's office waiting for an Occlumency lesson. Dumbledore was always patient with Harry when he failed to throw off the spell, always went over what Harry needed to know in order to do what was expected of him. And if he didn't always succeed, that was all right, because there was always the next time.
Snape was a whole other story. His lessons with Snape had always been harder, partially because he was a more demanding taskmaster. He expected Harry to handle the things thrown at him, and if it happened to be something that most qualified wizards never managed, that was just too bad. He never paused to explain things, and he demanded that everything be perfect the first time.
Harry sighed before knocking on the office door. This was going to be awful, he just knew it. And Dumbledore would see that he was really horrid at this and that they should just give up trying to protect him.
He couldn't start that again. He didn't need another lecture on his defeatist attitude from the Headmaster. The first three had been quite enough.
"Enter."
Harry opened the door and stepped through. The room was still dim - as it had always been - the walls were still lined with the disgusting jars full of floating, dead animals, and Snape was standing off in the dimmest corner looking at him through shadowed eyes.
"Sit. We will begin once the Headmaster arrives."
Harry looked between the seat in front of Snape's desk and the chair leaning against the wall off to the side. He chose the latter. It wasn't a detention, and he didn't want to feel like it was one.
Snape didn't say anything about his choice. "Did you finish the book the Headmaster assigned you?"
"Yes, sir." Harry fell easily into the role of forced civility from the previous year. It helped that he didn't mindlessly hate Snape either.
"And have you been clearing your mind every night before sleep? I know how dreadful you were with following those orders last year, Potter. Don't think that I won't know if you lie."
"I haven't been doing them as often as I should, Professor."
"How many times a week?"
"Well, I start to taper off mid week. Friday through Tuesday I always remember, but on Wednesday and Thursday nights I forget at times."
"It is not something you can forget. If the Dark Lord wanted to he could get inside your head. And don't think for one moment that because he hasn't recently he isn't planning on it."
"Yes, sir."
Snape's office door opened, and the Headmaster came through. "Are you ready, my boys?"
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. He didn't think that the Headmaster would accept a negative response.
"I don't suppose that you'd listen to me if I said 'no', would you?" Harry snapped his head around at Snape's answer to the question. It was the last thing that he expected.
"Now, Severus-"
"Yes, Headmaster. I'm ready."
"Very good. Begin."
Harry went to stand across from Snape after Dumbledore had gone to sit at Snape's desk. He tried to prepare himself for the attack that he knew was coming, but when it did, he was nowhere near ready enough.
"*Legilimens!*"
Harry saw the grounds, the tree, and his father standing there pointing a wand at him. It switched to the cemetery and he saw Cedric staring at him with wide empty eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn't get rid of the picture. Pettigrew was coming at him with a knife. He concentrated on the first spell that came to him and willed Snape out of his mind.
New memories flooded into his head. Snape's father hitting him across the face and he crashed into the wall. Snape suspended upside down while all the students laughed and James Potter cast a vanishing spell on his pants. A shadow crossing a pale arm as a wand lowered and touched its tip to the skin.
Harry felt as if he was being jerked back by the collar of his shirt before his own memories filled his head, once again. Dudley was on top of him, slamming his fists into his stomach. His aunt chasing him, a frying pan raised in one hand after he had broken a window. Snape, his face contorted with rage, as he threw a jar of dead roaches at him. He willed these thoughts to stop going through his head. He felt his mouth move, chanting a spell, but he couldn't recall what it was.
A young girl lying in a puddle of blood, a house burning, a wolf coming at him.
And then everything went black.
When Harry opened his eyes, he found himself on his knees, breathing in the cold dungeon air in large gulps. Looking across from him, he saw Snape crouched on the floor, his hands covering his face.
"Congratulations, Harry. You've successfully cast the Legilimens spell for the first time." Dumbledore was sitting at the desk, his hands folded primly on top of it.
For some reason, Harry didn't think it was something to be immensely proud of.
"Again."
---
Harry collapsed into the overstuffed chair by the fire in the Gryffindor common room; leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. They felt dry and they burned, but he couldn't keep them open any longer.
"Are you all right?"
Harry opened one eye. Hermione was standing in front of him clutching something in her hands. "Depends on what you have."
She held out a chocolate frog. "I swiped it from Ron's stash."
He took it out of her hands, setting the card to one side; he bit off the head. "We really are a bad influence on you."
She smiled and sat down on the corner of his chair. Harry scooted over to make more room for her. "I finished the reading for tomorrow's Transfiguration lecture. Want a summary?"
Harry closed his eyes. "That would be great."
Hermione leaned back so her head was resting on his shoulder, and he tried not to squirm. And as she talked he tried to pay attention, but the picture of Snape on the floor of his office, his face buried in his hands, wouldn't go away.
---
Nothing this book said made any sense. It might as well be in another language. He hadn't had this much trouble with the Occlumency book, so why should the companion piece on Legilimency be so difficult? Maybe, he decided after a moment's thought, because this delved into Arithmancy and the probability of how often the human mind could be interpreted properly by a Legilimens.
It still sounded like mind reading to him.
"Professor?"
"What is it, Potter?"
"I realize the reason for Occlumency, but why does the Headmaster want you to teach me Legilimency?"
"Do not question the Headmaster, Potter. It is a fruitless endeavor."
Well that made more sense than the book did. "But why you, sir?"
"As good a Legilimens as I am, the Headmaster is better. Tell me, did you once see into the Headmaster's memories when you were learning Occlumency from him?"
"No, sir."
"That is why."
Harry went back to the book, but looked up again when he recalled the exact reason he had stopped reading in the first place. "Professor?"
"What now?"
"What is Dra-" Harry sighed in frustration before trying again. "Draededus'--"
"Dradelaeus' Supposition of the Four Principles?"
"Yeah, that."
"Do you take Arithmancy, Potter?"
"No, sir. I completely wasted my time up in the North Tower with an old bat." Harry bit his tongue until it hurt. He didn't just say that, he didn't.
"Ah yes, Trelawney and her so-called Inner Eye." For once Snape's derision hadn't been aimed at him. "It's one of the necessary concepts if someone is going into certain fields. I found it helpful in many cases when working with Potions." Snape motioned him over. "I will explain it to you, Potter."
Harry went through his bag and collected a quill and parchment - it wouldn't do to forget what Snape told him - before picking up the book and heading over to sit at Snape's desk.
An hour later found him going back through the sections that he hadn't understood. They were making more sense after they had been explained to him.
"Potter." Harry looked up, but Snape wasn't looking at him. "Your... girlfriend," Harry shivered at the contempt in his voice, "has come to fetch you." He turned to look at Hermione who was standing in the doorway.
To her credit, she didn't flinch when Snape glared at her. "It's time for supper, Harry. You stayed down here longer than usual."
Harry nodded and started shoving his stuff back into his bag.
"Leave the book, Potter." Snape leaned in, his voice a harsh whisper. "We don't need careless students wondering what our boy wonder is doing studying Legilimency."
"Yes, Professor. Will we be seeing you at supper?"
"Out, Potter."
"Yes, sir."
On their way up to the Great Hall, Hermione grabbed Harry's hand. "Honestly, Harry, I don't know why you bother being nice to him. Ron's right, he's a git."
Harry just shrugged. He doubted that she'd understand.
---
TBC
Author: DragonLight
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Pre-slash, Drama
Pairings: HP/HG, HP/SS (Pre-slash)
Summary: Harry comes to terms with what he has learned about his father and Snape - MAJOR OotP Spoilers
Author's Notes: Part of the Post OotP FQF -- After Class Mailing List -- GROUPS YAHOO COM / GROUP / AFTER _ CLASS Challenges: A3- Harry goes to Snape to talk about his father(James) B2- Snape finally becomes the new DADA professor C2- Snape notices the scar on Harry's hand from his detentions with Umbridge and confronts him about it
Special Thanks to my Beta, Isis.
---
"Look, Harry, I found your dad's name."
Harry put down the book he was looking through for his next Defense essay. Getting up, he walked over to Ron, looking at the parchment he was reading over his shoulder. "What is it?"
"'Most Charismatic: James Potter.' It's an old copy of some unofficial school paper. Pretty cool, huh?"
Harry looked at the grinning face of his father from the front page. For some reason it reminded him of the scene in Snape's Pensieve, the friendly smile morphing into the malicious grin that he had when tormenting Snape. It was almost like Dudley's, right before he would slam his fist into Harry's stomach. Harry turned away, sickened.
"What's wrong, mate?"
Harry rubbed at his forehead. "Nothing. Just a little tired, I guess."
"But it's your dad's picture!"
"Sirius showed me the original." He was shocked at how easily the lie slipped off his tongue.
"Didn't know. Hey, look at this. 'Snape voted most vile, disgusting miscreant third year running.' The Marauders must have done this. It's all about how greasy that bastard is and how he always attacks people without provocation with the Dark Arts spells he's learned. Sounds just like him, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, Ron. Just like him." Harry picked up the book he had been reading. "I'm feeling worse. I think that I'm just going to go and rest."
"All right, mate. I'm just going to stay here and keep reading this." Ron glanced at him on his way out. "If you see Hermione, you are not – under any circumstances – to tell her I'm in the library."
"Okay." When Harry last looked at Ron before leaving the library he was silently chuckling to himself. Probably over that article about Snape.
---
Halfway to Gryffindor Tower he changed his mind and turned toward the dungeons and Snape's office.
"What do you want, Potter?"
Harry stepped into the room, trying not to flinch at as the memories from the last time he had been in this office flooded his mind. He purposely kept his eyes from straying to the place where Snape had pulled the jar of roaches from. He stopped in front of the desk and looked at his professor, and Harry got the impression that Snape would have preferred to ignore him; he had yet to look up and was apparently concentration rather hard on the essay in front of him.
"Why did you put up with it?"
Snape slammed down his quill. "What are you babbling about now?"
"My father, the Marauders. Why did you let them treat you like that?"
"This is not something that I want to talk about, Potter. Leave."
"I need to know."
"You need no such thing."
"Please!"
They stared at each other for a minute, neither moving, trying to determine when the other would give. Snape closed his eyes and sighed. "I didn't *let* them do anything."
"But you knew curses and—"
"Don't believe everything you hear. Your godfather had quite the imagination."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't come to school knowing every Dark Arts curse there was. I doubt I knew any, and if I did... it's not important."
"So they made up a reason?"
"They didn't need to." Snape waved his hand in a vague gesture. "You've seen the type. People who find the one person that they don't think will fight back."
"The one person that they can get away with hurting."
Snape stared. It was quiet and then, "If that is all, Potter. This little trip down memory lane isn't at all pleasant, as I'm sure you can imagine."
Harry nodded. He didn't know what to say, but couldn't just walk out of the office without saying anything. "Thank you, Professor." The last thing he expected was an answer.
"Thank the Headmaster. It's only at his insistence that I answer your questions."
Harry rushed out of the room, his footfalls echoing off the stone walls all the way into the upper portions of the castle.
---
Harry was in the Pensieve again. He couldn't remember how he had got in there. He hadn't had any meetings with Snape, and he hadn't seen it at his last session with Dumbledore. Somehow he had fallen in and was looking at his father and Snape outside after their O.W.L.s.
His father had his wand raised and was pointing it at Snape, who wasn't looking at him, just making his way across the grounds toward the castle. And then there was the moment of realization when Snape looked up and saw James Potter pointing a wand at him.
Harry blinked, and when he opened his eyes he was no longer standing off to the side, as a silent observer. He was in Snape's place, his father pointing a wand at him. But it changed, and he watched as James Potter slowly transformed into his cousin Dudley, his wand getting longer and thicker until it turned into his Smelting Stick. But it didn't stay a 'Smelting stick' for long. Within moments it had changed back into a wand, and one look into Dudley's face told Harry that he knew how to use it.
"Stupid, Potter. Do you think that if we had these freak powers we'd let you alone? You've always been a pathetic weakling,"
Harry started backing away, but it was no use. "*Expelliarmus!*" Harry flew up in the air for a brief moment before crashing down to the ground. He could already feel the bruises forming.
From his place on the ground, Harry watched as Sirius walked toward him and Dudley. He was sure that he would help him. There was no doubt that Sirius would, until he changed into Piers. Using his arms and legs in mimicry of a spider he scrambled backwards. He had only managed to get a few feet away before Sirius -- no Piers -- hit him with the Impediment Jinx.
Then the pounding in his ears began, but it wasn't pounding at all. It was laughter. All around him faces were pressing, in laughing. Harry squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the sound, focusing on getting out of the hex and not on his taunting classmates.
He knew the moment that his arms could move again, and grabbed for his wand. It wasn't where it usually was and Harry struggled trying to find it, then finally he pulled it out and aimed at his cousin, one of the curses he had learned on his tongue. Not quick enough. Dudley -- no, his father -- no, it was Dudley, with darker hair, cast a spell flipping him upside down. The robes fell around his face, blocking his vision, but he could feel the overly large clothes bunching up.
"Harry Potter doesn't even have clothes that fit!"
"His muggle cousin can kick his arse."
"This pathetic excuse for a wizard is supposed to save us?"
Each statement was greeted with a burst of laughter from the crowd he knew was gathered around him.
"So, who wants to see Potter's pants? They don't fit right, either." And Harry couldn't tell if it was Dudley's or his father's voice that he heard...
---
Harry woke up. He was lying perfectly still in his bed at Hogwarts, he was not outside, and Dudley didn't have a wand. He swiped at his upper lip with his tongue, licking at the cool sweat gathered there. Turning on his side, he drew his legs up against his chest, wrapping his arms around them, and concentrated on his breathing.
It was a long while before he was able to fall back asleep.
---
Christmas holidays found Harry at 12 Grimmauld Place, helping Remus to finish the cleaning and the few renovations Dumbledore had asked for since Sirius had left the old house to the Order. The first thing they did was coat the portrait of Sirius' mother with a paint removing potion.
"Never did like that woman."
Harry hid a chuckle. Remus looked much too pleased staring at the blank canvas.
"And I think that will do it for the night. Don't forget the Weasleys will be stopping by tomorrow to help with the upstairs."
Harry nodded and started to his room. The light-hearted mood of the evening disappeared the closer he got to it. As much as his dreams of the cemetery and Voldemort frightened him, these new dreams of Snape's Pensieve disturbed him.
He knew this wasn't Voldemort's doing; it was some twisted portion of his own brain that was creating these scenes. Everyone he knew had a place. At times Ron would take Pettigrew's place, staring at his tormenters in awe. And then Hermione would be in Remus' place, not doing anything to stop them, her nose stuck in a book.
And Harry knew that neither of those things would happen. Hermione and Ron were his friends; he knew they would always stand by him. At least he thought so. It was just a dream, and he would keep telling himself that.
But no matter how many times he told himself, it never stopped him waking up and shaking with the sound of laughter reverberating around his head.
---
"Remus, what was school like, for you and..."
"And the rest of the Marauders?"
Harry nodded.
Remus smiled slightly before putting his book down and turning to Harry. "Well, we used to play pranks on the students and teachers. They were harmless, really. And James and Sirius used to have to fight off the girls, which always annoyed your father no end. He used to do things to get your mother's attention and she would just scoff at him." He laughed quietly. "Your father and Sirius were best friends, Harry. They did so much together. I remember once they even started a school paper before bringing Peter and me in on it. And they wouldn't have, if they hadn't needed help."
Harry stared at the wall. Remus made it sound so normal. Like they never did anything wrong. "It's surprising with all that stuff that they found the time to make poor Snivellus' life hell isn't it? That's what's they called Snape, wasn't it?"
Remus stopped and looked at him, really looked at him. "Harry, you aren't still on about that Pensieve incident, are you? We told you that we were just kids."
"That's not an excuse." Harry swallowed. "Do you realize that that's what Dudley used to do to me? He used to chase me around the school yard, and no one would help because they didn't want to get Dudley mad at them. He was the popular one, you realize. Mostly because people were scared of him. It got to the point that I would just stop running, because if I ran and he caught me, he'd punch me all the harder."
Remus looked as if he was going to go straight to the Dursleys and do something rash, but that wasn't what Harry wanted. "The only thing that keeps him away from me now is that fact that I have a wand. There are times that I really want to use it on him too."
"Harry, why didn't you tell me this? I could have done something."
"It doesn't matter. They've mostly let me alone since I started Hogwarts. Afraid my freak nature might rub off on them or something. But that's not the point." Harry paused to take a breath. "You see, the way I see things is that Snape learned to curse first, just so the damn Marauders wouldn't torture him. There's an old Muggle saying. 'What goes around, comes around.' What sucks is that I got what was coming to my father." Harry stood. "'Night, Remus."
---
Harry stared at his porridge the next morning, his eyes wide and bloodshot. Sleep hadn't come to him; instead the conversation with Remus had played through his head until he passed out from sheer exhaustion.
"Harry?" Remus stepped through the kitchen door, but didn't come close to the table.
"I'm sorry about last night, Remus. I didn't mean to get upset at you, it's just that-"
But Remus cut him off. "That you aren't your father. I know. Harry, I always told Sirius that he shouldn't mix you up with him, but it seems that I've been doing the same thing. I just never realized how different from him you really are."
Harry let his head slip down to rest on his outstretched arm. "I'm not James Potter. I don't think I'm anything like him, and I don't want to be." He sighed. "And the more I think about it, the more it seems that if I'm like anyone, I'm like Snape."
"Don't say that."
"Why, because you don't like him? He hated Sirius, he hated my father. He's never once denied those two facts. He doesn't particularly like you, either. And I can understand that. Who wouldn't hate the people that make living hard? I hate Dudley, and he knows it, and I would gladly curse him stupid if it wouldn't get me expelled. But I won't because Hogwarts is all I have. Not that it's always a better place. When people found out I was a Parselmouth the first thing they assumed was that I was Heir to Slytherin. When my name came out of the Goblet the first thing anyone thought was that I was an attention seeker and I had to be chosen. I hated it, I really did. But I would rather put up with that than having no magic while living with my relatives."
Remus sat down near him, but didn't say anything.
"So many people think they are better than other people, so they set out to prove it, any way they can. Sirius thought he was better than the rest of his family, so he went and found the first person around his age that came from a similar family that he could beat up and picked on him to prove he was better. And then that person had to deal with being humiliated in front of most of his school just because of some berk. I'd go and join the first group of people who didn't treat me like shite too. In fact, I did. I chose the Wizarding world."
Remus' hand stroked up and down his back. "I know it's hard, Harry."
"It's not. I should have expected to find out that the people I look up to were idiots."
"Why is that?"
"Because Snape's the only person that has never lied to me. I should have believed him when he said that my father strutted, and when he said everything else, because it was all true." Harry pushed his bowl away with his other hand. "I don't think I'm very hungry."
"No, I wouldn't imagine so."
---
"I'm telling you, the man's a poof!" Harry froze at Ron's words. It had taken him all over Christmas holidays and quite a few conversations with Remus to come to terms with the fact that he liked men as well as women.
"Ron!"
Ron sat down on the couch next to Hermione. "Well, it's true."
"Who are you talking about?"
"Snape, of course."
Harry released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.
"And how would you know that?"
Ron turned slightly so he could look at Hermione. "Over the holidays, I spent some time with the twins, and they had this muggle contraption that played mideos."
"Videos." Harry corrected him.
"Isn't that what I said?" Harry shook his head, and Ron shrugged. "Well, anyway, these mideos had a gay man as one of the characters and he kept sweeping his arms and hands about when he'd talk, just like Snape."
Harry bit his tongue and decided against telling Ron that he was emphasizing his points with sharp movements of his hands.
"There just aren't words for you." Hermione was staring at Ron.
"What did I say?"
Harry sighed and closed the book he had resting on his lap. "Why does it matter, because you can't prove anything with that nonsense you just spouted, if Snape is gay or not?"
"Because that means he likes men."
Hermione threw her hands up in exasperation. "So what? Some of my muggle friends came out to me this past summer. It's just a preference, Ron."
"And you still talk to them?"
"Of course she still talks to them. Why wouldn't she?"
Ron blinked in confusion a couple of times. "It's wrong."
Harry swallowed, this wasn't a good sign. "Is this a wizarding thing that I'm unaware of?"
"No, Ron's just being a prat."
"You don't know anyone who's gay, do you, Harry?"
"Actually, I do."
Hermione came over to sit on the arm of his chair. "Who?"
"I won't say."
"Why not?"
"Because Ron knows them."
Hermione nodded in understanding before pushing a strand of hair out of Harry's face and behind his ear.
"Would you stop that?!"
Hermione looked over at Ron. "Why are you jealous?"
"No. You're my best friends, and I don't want to see that. Besides, Harry needs to tell me why he won't tell me."
Harry leaned away from Hermione. "What would you do if you knew?"
"I don't know."
"That's why. If I told you and you changed the way you behaved around them, I'd have to hit you."
Ron threw his hands up. "Fine. Why don't the two of you tell me what I've got wrong?"
Harry groaned. "This is going to take all night."
"But we should amuse him, don't you think? How often does Ron tell us to give him a detailed list of all the things he got wrong?"
"Can't argue with that."
Ron looked positively indignant.
---
Harry had just gotten started reading again when Hermione accosted him. "So who is it?"
"Between you and Ron, I'm never going to be allowed to finish this, am I?"
"I've never seen you take reading so seriously before, Harry. What is that anyway?"
"A book on the theory behind Occlumency; Dumbledore wanted me to read it. It's helped a lot."
"Well, it's good that you're taking your lessons seriously this year. Do you think I can take a look at it when you're done?"
"If Dumbledore says you can." Harry went back to reading.
"You know, Ron's gone down to the kitchen to get a snack. You can tell me."
"Don't you have homework to do?"
"No." Hermione settled on his armrest again. "I finished it all last night, as you know. You and Ron teased me for an hour."
"Have it your way." Harry brought one hand to the side of Hermione's face so he could pull her ear down near his mouth. "Remus."
She turned her face to look at him. There was barely an inch between them, and Harry swallowed. "And Sirius?"
He inclined his head just a bit.
"You?" Hermione bit her lip. It had always been one of her more endearing qualities.
"Not totally."
"Well, that's good." She closed the distance between them and pressed her lips against his.
---
It was exceedingly hard to avoid someone who was in all his classes but one. Harry was only able to avoid Hermione until their next Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
"Harry, I'm sorry."
He just shook his head. "You just caught me off guard, that's all." It hadn't been a chore to kiss Hermione; it had been much nicer than kissing Cho. It had just been hard for him to realize that his best friend was very much a girl.
Before Hermione could say anything else, the door banged open, and Snape made his way to the front of the class, a slight awkwardness to his gait as if his muscles were too stiff. "There has been a slight change in our schedule for today. Today will be the practical lesson on the Litumarus Shield. We will cover the theory on Wednesday." He slammed the books he was carrying down onto his desk, making a good portion of the class jump. "Get to work!"
Malfoy raised his hand. "Sir, you didn't tell us the incantation or wand motion."
"It was in your reading." Snape sank down into his chair. "Potter!"
Harry turned to face the desk. It was then that he noticed the deep shadows under his eyes, and the strain at the corners of his mouth. "Yes, sir?"
"I believe that you've cast this shield charm multiple times. Make sure no one blunders too badly."
His eyes widened, it was a minute before he could stammer out his response. "Yes, Professor Snape."
Five minutes before the end of class, Snape went around the room handing out small slips of paper. Harry didn't open his immediately, knowing it was probably their grade for the day and that Snape had most likely found his performance lacking because he didn't cast the charm more than five times. Not that it had been his fault. After Malfoy had almost taken out one whole wall of the classroom with a mispronunciation, Harry had made sure to check on everyone like he did during the DA meetings. Snape's eyes had been closed most of the lesson, and hadn't seen him. Hermione nudged him in the side to get him to open it.
*//Grade: O
-Stay after class.//*
On her way out the door, Hermione stopped by where he was sitting at his desk. "I'll wait for you outside." Harry nodded distractedly and waited for the class to clear before he approached Snape.
"Professor Snape?"
"The Headmaster wishes that I test your progress in Occlumency. You are to report to my office at 8 pm tonight. If there are any questions as to your whereabouts you are to tell the interested parties that you are helping me in lieu of a detention with Filch. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"You can go now, Potter."
"Are you all right, sir?"
"That is none of your bloody business. Out."
Harry turned and left, pausing outside of the door only long enough to grab Hermione's books from her before heading off in the direction of the Charms corridor.
"Harry?"
He shook his head. "I'll tell you later, Hermione. We're going to be late for Charms."
---
It was one thing to stand outside the Headmaster's office waiting for an Occlumency lesson. Dumbledore was always patient with Harry when he failed to throw off the spell, always went over what Harry needed to know in order to do what was expected of him. And if he didn't always succeed, that was all right, because there was always the next time.
Snape was a whole other story. His lessons with Snape had always been harder, partially because he was a more demanding taskmaster. He expected Harry to handle the things thrown at him, and if it happened to be something that most qualified wizards never managed, that was just too bad. He never paused to explain things, and he demanded that everything be perfect the first time.
Harry sighed before knocking on the office door. This was going to be awful, he just knew it. And Dumbledore would see that he was really horrid at this and that they should just give up trying to protect him.
He couldn't start that again. He didn't need another lecture on his defeatist attitude from the Headmaster. The first three had been quite enough.
"Enter."
Harry opened the door and stepped through. The room was still dim - as it had always been - the walls were still lined with the disgusting jars full of floating, dead animals, and Snape was standing off in the dimmest corner looking at him through shadowed eyes.
"Sit. We will begin once the Headmaster arrives."
Harry looked between the seat in front of Snape's desk and the chair leaning against the wall off to the side. He chose the latter. It wasn't a detention, and he didn't want to feel like it was one.
Snape didn't say anything about his choice. "Did you finish the book the Headmaster assigned you?"
"Yes, sir." Harry fell easily into the role of forced civility from the previous year. It helped that he didn't mindlessly hate Snape either.
"And have you been clearing your mind every night before sleep? I know how dreadful you were with following those orders last year, Potter. Don't think that I won't know if you lie."
"I haven't been doing them as often as I should, Professor."
"How many times a week?"
"Well, I start to taper off mid week. Friday through Tuesday I always remember, but on Wednesday and Thursday nights I forget at times."
"It is not something you can forget. If the Dark Lord wanted to he could get inside your head. And don't think for one moment that because he hasn't recently he isn't planning on it."
"Yes, sir."
Snape's office door opened, and the Headmaster came through. "Are you ready, my boys?"
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. He didn't think that the Headmaster would accept a negative response.
"I don't suppose that you'd listen to me if I said 'no', would you?" Harry snapped his head around at Snape's answer to the question. It was the last thing that he expected.
"Now, Severus-"
"Yes, Headmaster. I'm ready."
"Very good. Begin."
Harry went to stand across from Snape after Dumbledore had gone to sit at Snape's desk. He tried to prepare himself for the attack that he knew was coming, but when it did, he was nowhere near ready enough.
"*Legilimens!*"
Harry saw the grounds, the tree, and his father standing there pointing a wand at him. It switched to the cemetery and he saw Cedric staring at him with wide empty eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn't get rid of the picture. Pettigrew was coming at him with a knife. He concentrated on the first spell that came to him and willed Snape out of his mind.
New memories flooded into his head. Snape's father hitting him across the face and he crashed into the wall. Snape suspended upside down while all the students laughed and James Potter cast a vanishing spell on his pants. A shadow crossing a pale arm as a wand lowered and touched its tip to the skin.
Harry felt as if he was being jerked back by the collar of his shirt before his own memories filled his head, once again. Dudley was on top of him, slamming his fists into his stomach. His aunt chasing him, a frying pan raised in one hand after he had broken a window. Snape, his face contorted with rage, as he threw a jar of dead roaches at him. He willed these thoughts to stop going through his head. He felt his mouth move, chanting a spell, but he couldn't recall what it was.
A young girl lying in a puddle of blood, a house burning, a wolf coming at him.
And then everything went black.
When Harry opened his eyes, he found himself on his knees, breathing in the cold dungeon air in large gulps. Looking across from him, he saw Snape crouched on the floor, his hands covering his face.
"Congratulations, Harry. You've successfully cast the Legilimens spell for the first time." Dumbledore was sitting at the desk, his hands folded primly on top of it.
For some reason, Harry didn't think it was something to be immensely proud of.
"Again."
---
Harry collapsed into the overstuffed chair by the fire in the Gryffindor common room; leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. They felt dry and they burned, but he couldn't keep them open any longer.
"Are you all right?"
Harry opened one eye. Hermione was standing in front of him clutching something in her hands. "Depends on what you have."
She held out a chocolate frog. "I swiped it from Ron's stash."
He took it out of her hands, setting the card to one side; he bit off the head. "We really are a bad influence on you."
She smiled and sat down on the corner of his chair. Harry scooted over to make more room for her. "I finished the reading for tomorrow's Transfiguration lecture. Want a summary?"
Harry closed his eyes. "That would be great."
Hermione leaned back so her head was resting on his shoulder, and he tried not to squirm. And as she talked he tried to pay attention, but the picture of Snape on the floor of his office, his face buried in his hands, wouldn't go away.
---
Nothing this book said made any sense. It might as well be in another language. He hadn't had this much trouble with the Occlumency book, so why should the companion piece on Legilimency be so difficult? Maybe, he decided after a moment's thought, because this delved into Arithmancy and the probability of how often the human mind could be interpreted properly by a Legilimens.
It still sounded like mind reading to him.
"Professor?"
"What is it, Potter?"
"I realize the reason for Occlumency, but why does the Headmaster want you to teach me Legilimency?"
"Do not question the Headmaster, Potter. It is a fruitless endeavor."
Well that made more sense than the book did. "But why you, sir?"
"As good a Legilimens as I am, the Headmaster is better. Tell me, did you once see into the Headmaster's memories when you were learning Occlumency from him?"
"No, sir."
"That is why."
Harry went back to the book, but looked up again when he recalled the exact reason he had stopped reading in the first place. "Professor?"
"What now?"
"What is Dra-" Harry sighed in frustration before trying again. "Draededus'--"
"Dradelaeus' Supposition of the Four Principles?"
"Yeah, that."
"Do you take Arithmancy, Potter?"
"No, sir. I completely wasted my time up in the North Tower with an old bat." Harry bit his tongue until it hurt. He didn't just say that, he didn't.
"Ah yes, Trelawney and her so-called Inner Eye." For once Snape's derision hadn't been aimed at him. "It's one of the necessary concepts if someone is going into certain fields. I found it helpful in many cases when working with Potions." Snape motioned him over. "I will explain it to you, Potter."
Harry went through his bag and collected a quill and parchment - it wouldn't do to forget what Snape told him - before picking up the book and heading over to sit at Snape's desk.
An hour later found him going back through the sections that he hadn't understood. They were making more sense after they had been explained to him.
"Potter." Harry looked up, but Snape wasn't looking at him. "Your... girlfriend," Harry shivered at the contempt in his voice, "has come to fetch you." He turned to look at Hermione who was standing in the doorway.
To her credit, she didn't flinch when Snape glared at her. "It's time for supper, Harry. You stayed down here longer than usual."
Harry nodded and started shoving his stuff back into his bag.
"Leave the book, Potter." Snape leaned in, his voice a harsh whisper. "We don't need careless students wondering what our boy wonder is doing studying Legilimency."
"Yes, Professor. Will we be seeing you at supper?"
"Out, Potter."
"Yes, sir."
On their way up to the Great Hall, Hermione grabbed Harry's hand. "Honestly, Harry, I don't know why you bother being nice to him. Ron's right, he's a git."
Harry just shrugged. He doubted that she'd understand.
---
TBC